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James' alarm for morning class went off promptly at 6:55. I let out a small groan and turned over, waiting for James to slam the off button. I waited for what felt like ages until I realized that James wasn't there to turn off the clock radio. I sat up and shook my head until I was able to open my eyes properly. I was too lazy to throw on my glasses and squinted at the device until I found the button that would turn it off rather than put the thing in nap mode.

Once the damn thing was done interrupting my Friday morning lie in, I flopped onto my mattress with a harrumph. I then noticed that my fitted sheet was undone. I must have really tossed and turned last night. I shrugged internally and rolled onto my stomach. It took me longer than normal to fade out. I was feeling a bit hungry, but my laziness outweighed my need for sustenance.

I woke up again and squinted at my own clock. Two pm... that might be a personal best. Or worst, depending on how you looked at it. I rolled over and set up, groping for my glasses. I scanned the room as I got dressed. It was untouched since I went to bed. James must not have returned since I... banished seemed like a good word.

I felt a little guilty about it, in retrospect. That didn't mean I wasn't still angry. That feeling of being used was still there. Our sex felt fake. It was fake, really. I had just convinced myself we had something more because he had asked me, he had trusted me.

But it wasn't because I was special or anything. I was just the readiest gay guy available. He was doing what any other scientist would do when he was left in the dark: ask an expert, form a hypothesis, gather data.

But that made me angry too. Perhaps it was the thing that got under my skin the most. James did all those steps. He asked for testimonies of my accounts. He set up personal experiments. He got firsthand experience. James had certainly gathered a mountain of evidence for himself in the last month, so why was he ignoring it?

"Well, he's a Catholic," said the angry, bitter part of my psyche. I quickly derailed that train of thought. My biases had nothing to with this. Was I any better? I had certainly gone through a long stage of denial. But I was still different. I mean, I told James that the nail in the coffin was sex with another male. And James had certainly had sex with another male.

My thoughts were jarred by a loud scrapping noise. I hadn't realized I was grinding my teeth this whole time. For the sake of my dental bills I decided to brew on this later. I pulled on a trashy t-shirt and went to the Den for a meal exchange. Only after I picked up my burger did I notice how hungry I was.

Everyone else was at classes, but I had my fridays off. I didn't really feel like doing anything in particular today, so I just picked up my gamecube and popped in some nostalgia property.

I looked at my pile of games, stacked next to my cube. And I sat there. I didn't know what I was after. I reached for Windwaker, but after only fifteen minutes I felt burned out. So I went for Fire Emblem. I picked up an old file in the middle of a chapter and just started going through the motions. I had beaten this game plenty of times before, but for some reason it still held some replay value.

I could play the game with my eyes closed by now, and my mind began to wander. And to my annoyance, it couldn't stray to anywhere else but James. I just couldn't comprehend how such a rational person could lie to himself. This whole thing just wasn't like him. James wasn't just rational, he was honest, almost to a fault. Was the only person he could actually lie to was himself?

But was it just him? To use the long overused cliché, it does indeed take two to tango. What was my role in all this. I was a participant in this whole... kerfuffle? Spat? Squabble? No, kerfuffle sounded right. I thought about when I was talking with James over the summer. I don't really know what prompted me to tell him what I was afraid of telling myself.

"James... can you keep a secret?"

"???" His ever present shorthand for "Go on," or "what do you mean," or "elaborate."

"Over the last year... I've been examining my sexuality. And I don't think I'm straight." The moment I typed the words I bit down hard on my lips. I did taste blood that time. I had no idea why I had typed those words. Why was I telling another person what I couldn't even tell myself? But hadn't I just told myself?

Maybe that was it, wasn't it? Even I had to admit it to someone else before I could admit it to me. And I had a mountain of evidence too, in the form of about two gigabytes of gay porn. Never underestimate the powers of denial and self justification. But why was this bothering me so much? What did his denial have anything to do with me? But I knew that answer days ago.

That first night. I was certainly surprised, but I wasn't that slow to say yes when he asked if we could suck each other off. What did that make me? Eager? Slutty?

Was I so concerned about this new development because I cared for my friend? Or was I so into it because I was secretly hoping for something more? Had I crossed a line that I once swore to him I would never cross? I told him I'd never make a move on him the day I came out to him and myself. I promised him that our relationship would be no different just because he would now be living with a gay fur.

But James was the one who made a move. He asked for sex. Twice. Did that make it ok? Was I allowed to think of him as more than a friend now? Had I been crushing on him this whole time?

It all fell into place. It felt like one of those riddles or brain puzzles that seemed impossible to figure out, only to learn that the solution was so painfully simple and obvious you felt like an idiot for not realizing it. I wasn't angry, really. I was disappointed. I had built up a grand cathedral of expectations, aspirations, a hope that I could have found another male that I could call a significant other.

But while I was busy constructing a fantasy, I was racing ahead of what James was ready or willing for. I was his experiment, but this whole time I was convincing myself that I was also his boyfriend without letting him in on my plans.

A cool, wet finger tapped my forearm, jarring me out of my thoughts. I looked up to see James looking back at me. I did a double take. He looked... the only word was terrible. His eyes were gaunt in the back of their sockets, his face was lined under the dark fur, and his lips were forcing themselves not to droop into a frown.

"Sam, can I talk with you?" I just nodded. "Can we talk outside?"

I stood up and turned off the TV. James was wearing a musty red jacket that was a little damp. Had it rained today? I hadn't paid attention to the weather at all, and The Pit had no windows. "Yeah."

Neither of us spoke until we were outside. Time had flown, and it was already close to dark out. I checked my phone's clock to discover it was almost nine already. The clouds were leaking a lazy but consistent drizzle, and my red shirt was slowly being died maroon with each drop.

"Do you want an umbrella, Sam?" James gestured towards the black umbrella at his side. I always got a kick out of that thing. It's handle was shaped like a katana hilt, and the keen metal point on the tip meant that the whole thing was actually almost as dangerous as a real sword. Well, not really. But a good poke from that thing would hurt for days after.

I shook my head and waved the umbrella away with a paw. "I'm okay. I like the rain." There was a pause. We continued to wander through the gently rolling hills of our campus. I had no idea where we were going. The street lights were dieing the ground orange, and no one seemed to be out this Friday night.

"Sam... I'm sorry about last night. I was an idiot."

I didn't contradict him. "It's okay. I know you're in a tough place."

James shook his head. "It's not. It's not okay because I wasn't being honest with you."

"Mmhmm." Again, I didn't contradict him.

James couldn't look at me at this point. He studied the ground as we continued our patrol. "I'm sure you're feeling pretty used right now. And you have a right to. What I did... I didn't treat you like a friend. I just saw you as a testing ground. I was too wrapped up in my own concerns to think about the consequences of my actions."

"You aren't alone there, James. I'm pretty sure part of my brain realized what was going on long before the rest of me caught up. I just enjoyed it too much to care. I knew that I was an experiment. I was just hoping well... that maybe you'd be willing to continue after you were finished testing. I really enjoyed our nights together."

"Sam... there's something else I haven't told you."

"Yes?"

James' voice was a little shaky now. His speech was slow, but evenly paced. "I really enjoyed it too. To be honest, under different circumstances I would be glad to take things further too, but... This is what I was talking about, what I haven't told you."

"What do you mean?"

"Have you met my dad?"

"Yeah, he seemed nice enough. A bit stern, but still pretty decent."

"I don't get along too well with him."

"That's not uncommon."

"Could I provide some context?"

"Sure."

"My dad's the kind of fur who always put masculinity on this sort of... pedestal, I guess. He was the Eagle Scout, the Veteran, the guy who always worked with his hands for a living. And my younger brothers really ate all that up. But me... I was never like that. I liked games and reading and science and all the weird shit we like to do. And he's never liked that. He's always said that I was soft, or 'not a real male." Whatever the fuck that means." His tone slowly grew more and more bitter, and at the end of his last sentence he crossed his arms. His face was drawn into an almost-snarl.

Comprehension dawned on me in one fell swoop. "Has he ever spoken his mind on, well, furs like me?"

"How'd you guess?" James tried to smile, but he didn't seem to be able to manage it. "I mean, he's not a complete homophobe. He's just... I'd call him a 'choicer.'"

The rain began to pick up, going from a sporadic drizzle to a steady but gentle shower. I felt the chill of the night begin to creep through my fur with each drop, but I ignored it. I liked being cold anyway. "Ahh..."

"So when I said last night that I can't be gay, I wasn't denying that I'm not straight. I'm pretty damn sure I like males, perhaps even more than females. But what I meant was that I can't let myself be gay or bi or anything that isn't straight."

"Because you're afraid of what your dad will say?"

"Well, yeah. If he's unhappy just because I'm into science, I can't imagine what he'd say if I told him I'm attracted to other males."

"Well, I know it's your dad, so that makes things harder, but... have you ever tried doing what I do?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't really give much of a damn about what people think. You should give it a try." I smiled, and I got James to grin for a brief moment.

"It's different when it's your dad."

"I get that." We walked in silence for a few minutes. "Can I tell you a story?"

"Mmm?"

"When I said that sex with another guy sealed the deal with me, I wasn't being very clear there. I figured out I was gay a long long time before I made that booty call. But the thing was, I was afraid of what people would say. I have some aunts and uncles, some who live close by, who I knew wouldn't be happy if I came out. So I decided to stay locked in the closet. It was, in my mind, the easier option. There'd be less conflict, and it wasn't like I was actively looking for a boyfriend."

James looked at me. He looked confused by the light of the street lamps. "Then why'd you say sex with Zach sealed the deal?"

"It did seal the deal, just not the whole 'this is hardcore evidence that I like dudes' way. What it did was get me comfortable with the idea of sex with another male. Or sex in general for that matter. It was the first time I had enjoyed the sex I partook in."

"Ahh..." James just nodded.

"But I digress. I hid myself in the closet, and life went on. I went to school, I hung out with friends, I spent time with my family at the holidays, and there weren't any big problems. Just like I planned. But their certainly wasn't conflict. It was just all in my head. Every conversation felt like a trap: what if I let something slip? What would people say? I had this big, heavy weight on my shoulders, and the only way I could get it off was to just nut up and say that I was gay. But even though I knew this I was still too scared."

"So what changed your mind then?"

"When I realized that anyone's problem with who I was shouldn't be my problem."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, the relatives that I already knew were homophobes, you could imagine I didn't have that high of an opinion of them."

"Yeah, I can imagine."

"It sort of came to me all at once, completely out of nowhere. I woke up and the thought hit me like a ton of bricks. Why should the problems of people I didn't give a damn about be my problems too? Their problem, their disapproval, was making me miserable."

"Yeah, but-"

I cut James off. "I know it's your dad, I get that. But why should his beef be your concern? You can either hide yourself and be miserable or you can just be who you are and let him figure out how to deal with it himself. Do what makes you feel good."

There was a rustle of wet fabric, and out of nowhere James flung his arms around me and kissed me. My mind went completely blank, partly from bliss, but more from sheer shock. Before I had the chance to reciprocate, James broke away. He turned his back to me and dropped to the ground, almost as if he fell. He was crouching on his feet, his back was arched inward as he held his head in his hands, and his fingers were pulling at his shoulder length hair. The noise of distress that came from his was like nothing I'd ever heard before, and could only be described as alarming.

James' eyes were clenched shut, and I couldn't tell if rain or tears were running down his face. "God damn it," he moaned. His voice was strained and painful, as if he had just spent the last hour shouting at the top of his lungs. "I'm such a piece of shit."

I was nonplussed, even more by this than his kiss out of nowhere. Wordlessly I coaxed him up and held him in my arms. Sometimes it didn't matter who you were or what was going on; a hug could help a lot of things. James didn't do anything to stop me, and I squeezed him tight.

"I'm such a piece of shit," repeated James. His voice was diminished now, and I strained to hear him over the sound of the quickening drops of the impending rainstorm.

"What do you mean?"

James looked up into my eyes. His gorgeous blue eyes were watery, and the light of the street lamps made them look gilded. In another context he would have looked absolutely beautiful. "Sam...what I've been doing to you..." He stopped to sniff and catch his breath. "You're my friend and I've been using you. I've been treating you like... like a book or something that I could use for research. But you're not a test. You're not an experiment. I figured all this out weeks ago, but I lied to you instead. I lied to myself because I knew what my dad would think. I lied to you because I had been thinking about my sexuality months before we talked in April. And I lied because I wanted the sex, I wanted to be close to you. I lied because I wanted to trick myself into thinking we could have a relationship that was more than friends. I was able to keep lying because it felt too good to stop."

Slowly, I stroked his long hair in my hands. My fingers ran through the soft, wet locks, and I let my claws catch and automatically straighten the knots and tangles. "James... I honestly could have guessed most of that. But I still went along with it because I enjoyed the sex, the closeness, too. And even after we had sex the first time, I kept telling myself that I wouldn't let our relationship change, that I wouldn't get attached or make it weird. But as much as I told myself that, part of me knew that a not small part of me was falling for you."

James placed his head on my chest. "What can I do?"

"Do what makes you feel best."

James shifted in my arms, and I found our lips pressed together again. His hands slid up to cradle my face, and my own hands ran through his hair over and over again. Our kissing seemed to pick up speed in time with the rain, and out of nowhere, we found ourselves furiously pressing our faces together for long, blissful seconds before breaking apart for hasty gasps of breath while water dripped from our saturated fur.

When we broke apart for the last time, James was grinning tooth to tooth. He looked like he was almost ready to burst out laughing.

"What's up?"

"Look at us," laughed James. "Making out in the middle of a downpour. I feel like we're in the middle of a shitty story by some Nicholas Sparks wannabe."

I covered my mouth as I stifled something between a splutter and a laugh before kissing him again. "Maybe the story is less shitty when you're living in it." I held him against my body for a minute, heedless of how soaked we were. "James... does this mean you're willing to..."

"Yes, if you'd let me."

"Of course." James took my hand and tugged it, slowly leading us back to the dorms.

"James, what do you think you'll do?"

"About my dad?"

"Sort of. I mean, being 'out' in general, I guess. I'd never out you, on purpose or by accident. Do you want me to keep it a secret? Just between us?"

James looked away from me, his brow furrowed in thought. "I think... I think I might come out at school. But just at school, if that makes sense."

"Call it a trial run?" I asked with a smile.

"Yeah, something like that."

As we approached the front door to our dorm, I noticed a group of furs opening umbrellas or shrugging on jackets in preparation for a journey into the downpour. I made to let go of James' hand, but he just gripped it tighter. We walked inside together without a care in the world, and we climbed the stairs to our room.

I felt damp hands begin to undress me once the door shut behind us, and we soon divested each other of our soaked clothes. We pushed out beds together and fell into them. I felt a firm, damp body snuggling up against my back, and we laid on our sides with our bare bodies under the blankets. I let out a growl of pleasure when I felt hands running across my belly and chest. My cheeks warmed when a pair of lips brushed lightly against them, and I laid a hand across where he kissed me.

"Sam... I'm sorry I lied to you."

My hand strayed to where James was holding me, and I pressed his hand into my body. "Well... I'm not exactly innocent either. I wouldn't suggest making us making a habit of it, but I think this time, things worked out pretty well."

James let out a small bark of a laugh before resting his muzzle between my neck and right shoulder. "I guess you're right there. G'night, hon."

The use of the pet name was pleasantly surprising, and I felt my insides do a little swoop of delight as I felt on last kiss on the side of my cheek. I smiled and closed my eyes as I listened to James' breathing slow down as we laid together in our beds. I realized I hadn't popped my night pills, but I didn't want to leave the arms of the wolf who I could now call a boyfriend without guilt. Even though I knew my meds weren't in my system, I found myself drifting towards unconsciousness to my mild surprise. The last coherent thought that I could grasp before I fell asleep was the euphoria of realizing that this definitely was not a dream.