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Benedict Spenser, Personal Notes Re: Zachary Parker Session 1 (Tuesday)

Mr. Parker made his appearance at the Dean's office yesterday, as requested. After a remarkably brief bit of finagling, I managed to get him to agree to two sessions per week, Tuesday and Friday, to begin with. Although he continues to behave reluctantly toward therapy, his body language and some few verbal cues tell me otherwise.

I was able to get some general background information on him, despite overt resistance. He was in foster care (multiple families) after an orphan's home upbringing. No details on why he was never formally adopted, but the older the child gets, the more difficult adoption becomes. Generalized lack of stability can account for PTSD symptoms, although whatever official records exist on the pup show him to be quite mild-mannered since his middle high-school years - kept out of trouble, good student, full ride to university. (Note to self - he said "I'm taken care of," back in hospital. ???)

He spoke briefly of early high-school summers working on a horse ranch, said he couldn't remember who owned the place (bloody unlikely). His memories are vague, and he became agitated speaking of them. Changed the subject to his college career; nothing remarkable. He asked about "lost time," a term he'd heard from a television movie or some such. He denied that it's ever happened to him. No mention of the results of our brief hypnotic session in hospital, nor of the "room" that he was in. Konstantin's verbal key took us directly to the construct that he had created to hold the pup's mind prisoner. He seems to visualize it as a small white room with three doors. One of them must hold the truth. I left a trigger phrase with Parker that he'll use to signal when his subconscious is finally too tired to fight against the cracks in those walls.

I do so hate having to open old wounds. They usually bleed the most profusely before they're stanched.

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FROM: [email protected] <Malcolm Lamar> TO:[email protected] <Lisa Lamar> SUBJECT: Something Wonderful

Dear Mom...

I remember what you told me about how people say, "If something is too good to be true, it probably isn't true." You told me that's a pretty pessimistic thing to believe, and that there's a difference between being gullible and taking a positive risk. I wanted to tell you just how much I love you for that advice, because something really good is happening which - oh, I hope, I hope, I hope - really is true.

I've met a really amazing guy. He's a lion, a junior I've been tutoring since school began. He's on athletic scholarship, and if I'm telling all of the truth, I've had something of a crush on him from the beginning. The amazing part, though, is that he's come out to me, and we spent the weekend together. He's very bright, even though he claims he's not. I don't think anyone's wanted to believe in his intellect before I came along, sad as that sounds. He's strong and gentle and affectionate and all of that Magic Checklist that I try so hard not to have but we all do.

Only two things that might be at issue. This is all new to him; he's only just discovered that he's gay, so he's got a lot of thinking and adjusting to do. The other is that he's... well, let's say "high profile" and can't risk coming out without knowing what he's letting himself in for. That's why I'm being cagy about telling you his name. You might have heard of him, and I'm pretty sure Duncan and Daniel have. He trusts me to keep it quiet, but he also has told me that he doesn't like the idea of having to sneak around just to see each other. It's part of why I feel so strongly about him - he knows how his actions are going to affect me too, and he doesn't want to see me hurt. I think we both know it's far too early in this relationship to talk about The Future, but he said that he wants to keep it in mind, for both our sakes.

I'm kind of giddy, Mom, as you've probably figured out by now. I had to share this with someone, and you've always been my best friend about "matters of the heart." I know this may still be only a crush, but it really feels like so much more, and I'm hoping that it's what it seems... too good not to be true.

I'll keep you posted.

Love you, Malcolm

P.S. - He nicknamed me "browncoat," because of Nathan Fillion's character in_Firefly_ being named "Mal." At least we know he's got great taste in sci-fi.

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MEMO FROM: Jacqueline Epperson, MD, Director of Campus Medical Services TO: Nelson Williamson, Dean of Students RE: Priscilla Perrin, SID P72331

Dean Williamson:

This memo is to inform you that student Priscilla Perrin has been withdrawn from university for medical reasons. Her parents have informed me that she has experienced what they called "a complete breakdown," which I took to mean emotional and psychological stress, over recent events involving Zachary Parker. I have asked them to put me in touch with her Principal Care Physician so that s/he might provide a more complete report, or at least a "doctor letter" describing what information they feel is appropriate to release. This letter should satisfy the requirements of university policy to give Ms. Perrin "Incomplete" status in all of her courses, should she wish to return to university before the end of the next semester. Please let me know if you require anything further.

Also, please remind Professor Spenser that we would like to have regular updates regarding Mr. Parker's therapy.

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FROM: [email protected] <Beth Harris> TO:[email protected]<Bobby Harris> SUBJECT: Dad's Nuts (Nothing New)

Hey Bro - wanted to warn you, Dad's going off the deep end again, getting all TeaBagger about what happened up there last weekend. Grousing about "fags in sports" and swearing thirteen kinds of splody-stabbity-death about "any screwed-up queer dog tries to lay a paw on my kit" and so on. You may get your own email from him, although he pretends he doesn't know how to use it. Sure signs enough nutty petitions and forwards 'em on to me. Starting to worry about his IQ points. I tried to remind him that you're JV and not even on the same team. Think he's worried you'll get jumped in the locker room or something.

Most of the news sources have gotten bored with the story by now, but you know Dad. He still hasn't figured out we're in a new millennium.

Heard you're doing good in your English class! You'll have to tell me your secret. Still struggling with senior English down here (remember Mr. Hollingsworth? Ew...). Hope I can get into college next year. Got a good programming degree up there? Think your university would give us a group discount! LOL

Beth

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Benedict's Private Diary Thursday

Nelson tells me that the Quack Shack wants updates and case notes. Given the falderal and flummery surrounding the HIPPA rules these days, I'm not even sure that they're supposed to have them. I'll have to talk to Nelson and the college legal counsel about that. Meanwhile, I would like to think that I've learned from past mistakes. They'll get properly professional reports, formally presented, with as little information as I can get away with. My own "notes" are called my "private diary," just in case some bastard lawyer wants to try to subpoena them. Thank you, Wendell, old love.

After several attempts, I have finally managed to talk with Jerry Bunting. In view of our history, I was only a little surprised that it took so long for him to catch up with me. It would seem that our young otter is having some doubts about his desire to follow in my clawsteps, where young males are concerned. He's had some success in the past, finding (in his case) predominantly straight males and seducing them for brief affairs. In the long run, it's been reasonably effective, at least insofar as it's kept him from feeling like he has to make a commitment to a relationship yet, and the young males he's found thus far seem to have gone on to find their heterosexual happy-ever-afters. Parker, it would seem, was an anomaly.

I had thought that the incident on the football field was the trigger for Parker's breakdown, but it would seem instead to be the tipping point. The actual trigger took place several days prior, when the Akita visited the glory hole in the library basement. I was amused to hear Jerry's reconstruction of the event, as he verbally danced around the details as if I were some old prude. (Had I thought that Jerry wouldn't have minded, I'd just as likely have started stroking myself with the fantasy. A captive canine, all but forced to submit to a rimming? Lovely...) If I take Parker's history at face value, this incident would be his first homosexual encounter... although I'd stake my sainted mother's second-best pendant necklace (as if she'd part with it) that it wasn't his first. There's at least one more encounter in his history, and that is what that block in his mind has shielded him from all this time.

The question is not whether Parker is gay, straight, or in between. That memory fortress was created to make him forget about a homosexual encounter, and his having another such encounter weakened the block. Jerry told me about the lion, Harris, who walked in on the two of them, and who apparently had a talk with Parker as well. The gist of the conversation seemed to be to get the lion - who has a reputation as a bit of a Casanova - to admit that he's actually gay, because he too has had sex with Jerry. Without hearing more about the conversation, I can't say for sure (I'd really like to interview that kit), but it sounds to me as if Parker were trying to patch the cracks in the block without realizing it. He searched for a label to explain himself, his actions, so that he could deny being gay, which would reinforce the block. He wasn't - perhaps still isn't - consciously aware of the block, but subconsciously, he was acting to reinforce the comfort zone. To remember is to cause pain, whether real, imagined, or programmed. (Konstantin was notorious for that. Konstantin was and is more than a bit of a bastard.)

Jerry said Parker wanted to see him after the game, but Jerry was with someone else. He said that Parker sounded agitated. If I have the timeline correct, the call would have been after the alleged fight with the female from Sorority Row. (Nelson tells me that a female named Priscilla Perrin has withdrawn from school, directly citing stress over Parker's actions. We both smell a lawsuit in the making. That won't last long.) My impression of Parker is that he's not the roving type, so it's possible that he was monogamous yet not sexual with the girl. If he was reacting to the unconscious pain that seemed to have no source, he was already on the edge of a psychotic break. Further evidence: When Parker was taken to hospital, the arresting officers were sure he was "high on something," even though his tox report came back clean. The other pup's needling was just enough to make Parker snap.

Much of this is theoretical, but it fits the facts. It's up to Parker now; he has to want to find out what happened and break through the block himself. I can guide him, protect him from actual trauma as best I can, but he'll have to do the work. He's going to have to want to remember... and I honestly don't know if he does.

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FROM: [email protected] <Lisa Lamar> TO:[email protected]<Malcolm Lamar> SUBJECT: Something Wonderful

Malcolm, My Dear...

I'm so very happy to hear about your new beau! Or whatever you younguns call it these days. Sounds to me like "hookup" isn't the right term...! *tease*

I'm not going to spill any ice water on this; you sound very happy, and that's what's most important. I do have to tell you though, Malcolm... you're not very good at secret-keeping. At the beginning of the semester, you told me that you're tutoring the quarterback of the JV, and that his name is Bobby Harris - a lion. I think I can piece together the clues from there (Jessica Fletcher and Jane Marple are great inspirations). And yes, your brothers would definitely recognize the name; they follow all the sports these days, and their college and yours are in the same league or whatever it's called. Don't worry, I won't tell them. Too soon for that.

You're right, he's "high-profile." That's an understatement! A genuine football star. Isn't he supposed to have a reputation with the females? Then again, we can't always go with rumors. If half of what gets told about your brothers were true, you'd have been an uncle a dozen times over by now. I've always understood sewing wild oats; I only hope that the loaf isn't leavened and the bread doesn't start to rise. (That's one thing I haven't had to worry about with you...!)

With everything that's been on the news this weekend, your lion is in an even worse situation than he would be otherwise. I'd be very surprised if he'll be able to come out anytime soon. That could be painful for you to go through. I'm glad you're there for him, and I'll be here for you. You deserve the best, my darling kit, and I truly hope he lives up to the image you've painted of him. He's very lucky to have found you, and just maybe you're lucky to have found him too. Wonderful things do happen. Remember how I found your dad!

If Father Aiden were still around, he would probably suggest a few prayers to Saint Valentine and Saint Raphael, to protect the tender relationship of new lovers. Love is strong enough to protect you, as long as you're strong enough to protect each other. May this love be all it seems and more. I won't ask you to pass along my best wishes; might scare him, this early in the game. *lol*

Love you, Mom

P.S. - It's good that he likes Firefly, but I'll reserve judgment until I find out how he feels about_The Man From Earth_.

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FROM: [email protected]<Bobby Harris> TO:[email protected]<Beth Harris> SUBJECT: Dad's Nuts (Nothing New)

Hey Sis -

Thanks for the warning about Dad. He doesn't have to worry about me in the locker room; none of the team is gonna try to jump me. In fact, one of the coaches came by to keep an eye on everything the other night after practice. I'm sure he wouldn't let anyone get hurt.

Yeah, I remember Hollingsworth. He treated us all like we were too stupid to understand literature, so we didn't. That's the trick, Beth - find someone who doesn't treat you like a loser. I'm lucky to have found someone like that. He's a great tutor, and that's why my English grade is as good as it is. If you get accepted up here, you might get to meet him. He's teaching me a lot.

I guess Dad's gonna be Dad, whatever happens. Let's hope for the best.

Bobby

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FROM: [email protected] <Malcolm Lamar> TO:[email protected] <Lisa Lamar> SUBJECT: Something Wonderful

Dear Mom...

Okay, ya got me. Yes, it's Bobby Harris, and not to alarm you, but I think we're getting even closer. You might not believe this, but we actually spent some time studying together. Yes, we were snuggled up together, but we really were reading our textbooks. Since I'm his tutor, it wouldn't do for me to let him miss a paper or fail a test, now would it?

Aristotle tells us that "one swallow does not a summer make, nor one fine day." I suppose that two weekends, like bookends between scattered hours of tutoring, dinners, and exercise during the week (no, Mom, we spotted each other on the weights at the gym... among other things...), does not a relationship make. Perhaps all of our conversation doesn't either, but surely it's a great start. (I know - don't call you Shirley. I'm glad you showed me that movie! Yes, Bobby loves it too. Still don't know about_The Man From Earth._)

You're mentioning how difficult it might be for him to come out was a bit prophetic. He told me about a conversation that he had with some teammates, about whether or not Parker - the Akita that all the controversy is centered on - was actually gay. Bobby got mixed reviews, from "who cares" to "that's scary." Nothing too homophobic, but it's going to be tough for him no matter what happens. We think it might be a good idea to keep quiet at least until after the season is over, so as not to upset the teams. It's not like there's any rush or pressure, at least we hope not.

I wanted to ask... Thanksgiving is approaching, and Bobby's family is in the Florida panhandle - he usually stays on campus until the semester ends. Granted, I'm worried about what Duncan and Daniel will have to say, but I'd really love for you to meet him. May I invite him?

Love, Malcolm

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Benedict's Private Diary Tuesday

Three sessions with young Parker, without much progress. Not wholly unexpected. Managed to get him to admit how and where he met Jerry. A very "surface" conversation covering the simple physiological truths, which apparently Jerry already told him. Parker still seems very concerned about finding the correct label for himself.

Mac Griffith, over in psych, is developing a theory that Tristan Black Wolf created in the late 70s when still an undergrad. The idea is based first upon the notion that an unexamined life isn't worth living, but takes into account the instant gratification and short attention span trends of the last fifty years or so. No one wants to take time to really know themselves, so they adopt a label, usually starting at the high school level (or even earlier). The Jock, the Band, the Choir, the Drama Club, the Future Farmers, the Cool Kids, Dopers, Geeks, Gamers, Hippies, Christers, whatever. Joining the group comes with its own mores and faux pas, so you don't have to find out for yourself if you like or dislike something. Tristan called it the Pre-Fab Lifestyle, showing its transition into college with such things as Greek society, professional organizations, academic societies, etc. Through socialization norms, they tell you how to dress, how to behave, what to like and dislike, how to vote, what to believe in, who to associate with, who to shun, where to go, what to do... you'll never have to worry that you're not "right."

As the comic strip character Andy Capp once noted, the only thing that fits into a pigeon hole is a pigeon. The fundamental error in the Pre-Fab Lifestyle is that few, if anyone, can be only what their labels tell them to be. Ultimately, some part of the label won't work; gaps begin to show, making you question the label, and making the others so-labeled question you. Ultimately, the label has to peel off, and you feel naked until you can paste something else on yourself. If you haven't learned to think for yourself by this time, you become prey to any passing cult, from religion and politics to beauty products and pyramid schemes.

My impression of Parker is that he's too intelligent - in spite of himself - to accept the labels. He feels compelled to cover himself because of the cracks in the mental prison which, unquestionably, have to do with homosexuality. Konstantin miscalculated on one very important point: Despite - or perhaps even because of - Parker's checkered and traumatic childhood, he's not satisfied with an unexamined life. Ultimately, the walls have to come tumbling down because he's not content to let things be. It's sad that this mental time bomb had to explode in this way, but at least he can get the help he needs. It could only have been worse if it had gone on longer.

Damn you, Konstantin... I know it wasn't personal, but did you have to do this? Perhaps you did. The pup is still alive, after all. Why would anyone...?

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FROM: [email protected]<Beth Harris> TO:[email protected]<Bobby Harris> SUBJECT: Dad's Nuts (Nothing New)

Hey bro - pretty mellow answer there. College must be doing something good for you after all. Guessing you won't be coming home for TG as usual? Gonna miss you, but also hate thinking about you having to eat cafeteria food or something. Will they even be open, or do you have to open a can of SPAM? I'm not supposed to tell you, but I think our oldest brother is finally serious about a female, and he's bringing her home to meet Dad. Feel sorry for her! Wish you could be there to referee. With Roy finding a mate, if she survives Dad, Wally is going to think that the competition is on between you and him. Got a female to bring home yet? You probably have a dozen, lol.

Beth

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FROM: [email protected] <Lisa Lamar> TO:[email protected]<Malcolm Lamar> SUBJECT: Something Wonderful

Malcolm, My Son...

I'm only glad you didn't say "One swallow does not a relationship make." It's so much fun having a gay son; you_do_leave yourself open to these bad jokes! And no, I don't want specifics. I'd like to think I'm a cool mom, but there are some details best left to not imagining. (I invite you to do the same regarding your father and me.)

Bobby is more than welcome to come visit, if he'd like to. I'll talk with your father first, then the two of us will do our best to tame the Terrible Twins. I think we'll just tell them that you're bringing "someone" with you and let surprise work in our favor. Once the novelty of teasing you both silly has worn off, they'll respect the need to keep it quiet. Speaking of which... Bobby's welcome to the guest room, which is at the far end of the house, so just remember that sound carries in the ventilation system, okay? Particularly important if you don't want to be subject to embarrassing pranks. I can only smack your brothers so much. After that, it's your turn. Be sure to tell Bobby that guests also have self-defense privileges.

Malcolm... I really am looking forward to meeting him. Be sure to let him know that this is a visit and a vacation, not an audition. I may be protective of my kitling, but I've not devoured anyone who's treated you right. With your descriptions, I'm feeling a little giddy myself. I love love like Leo Buscaglia, and I think he'd be just as proud of you as I am. Let me know your schedule. I'll see you next week.

Love, Mom

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FROM: [email protected]<Bobby Harris> TO:[email protected]<Beth Harris> SUBJECT: Dad's Nuts (Nothing New)

Hey Sis -

Don't worry about me on TG; I've got a place to go. I've been invited for a real family dinner thing, and it should be good.

Maybe not a dozen females...! Not like I'm notching my belt or something. Do you really think of me that way? Maybe I should rethink my reputation. Anyway, Wally shouldn't worry about competition. I don't think I'll be bringing anyone home for Christmas. Maybe another time. Finding "the right one" isn't exactly easy. I'm learning that the hard way.

Game tonight, next weekend off. Don't let Dad have both drumsticks this year. If you get the wishbone, send me some luck. I got a feeling I'm gonna need it.

Bobby