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I had made a mistake.

This was all a mistake.

I looked in the mirror, seeing the sad attempt I had made to salvage myself staring back at me. My stomach was in knots, and more than anything I just wanted to go back in time and stop myself from doing what I did.

But it was too late for that. It was too late to do anything but accept the choices I had made, and where that left me.

But I really didn't want to.

"Todd? You know you can't hide in there forever."

Probably for a few days though, if I tried really hard. I could drink from the sink, and I probably wouldn't starve for a few more days. I wondered if starving to death was painful.

"Todd?"

"...I'm coming," I called back. Reluctantly. I knew I had to come out eventually, even if I dreaded having to face them. I took one last look in the mirror. A Fox with a really miserable expression looked back at me. Now or never, I guess. With a deep breath, I undid the lock and opened the door.

Yeah, there was Max, with that big stupid cat grin on his face. He was taking in my appearance. It wasn't anything special, a long sleeve and black jeans, just the fancy jacket I was borrowing from him. I needed one since it was raining, but Cynthia had insisted I use this one instead of mine. It had been raining for days now, maybe that's why I wasn't feeling so optimistic.

I'd asked about canceling, obviously, but he said the rain wouldn't bother him if it didn't bother me. But taking the bus was out, since neither Max nor Cynthia wanted me to stand out in the cold. Part of me wish they had though. It would have given me extra time to mentally prepare myself.

Did I mention I wasn't ready to do this?

"Looking good Todd," he said.

"Shut up," I mumbled, pushing past him back into my room.

Cynthia was sitting on my bed, and the moment I walked in she started taking in my appearance. Which was annoying because it wasn't like I was actually dressed up. And even more annoying because I was still hoping she would approve.

"...Yes," she said. I let out an involuntarily held breath. "You look good Todd. Short hair's working out for you."

Max's sister had returned home for the weekend, and with I imagine some begging from Max, although he denied it, she agreed to finally fix the mess I had made on my head. I even managed not to try and knock the scissors out of her hand. And to her credit, it did actually look mostly normal now, although much shorter than I would have wanted it. But that was my fault.

"Thanks," I mumbled. My insides were all twitchy, and my nerves were fidgety.

"You know you're supposed to happy about going on a date, right?" she asked. Her smile was too much like Max's.

"I am," I replied automatically. My voice wasn't very convincing. I didn't know if I was excited or not. The only thing I was aware of was my anxiety.

Her face changed a bit. "You're not still...upset, are you?"

I had started acting up in my sleep again. I only woke up screaming those first two nights, but that was already more than I had ever done when I was little. After that, so I'm told, I had just been fidgeting and whimpering in my sleep. But then, I had already been having dreaming issues. I even jumped out of bed already once before. So maybe it had been building up for a while, and the screaming had just been the wakeup call. Literally.

But I was fine, mostly. It wasn't like I was having nightmares. At least, not that I could remember. Just more forest, more running.

"No," I answered. "It's not that."

"It's just nerves," Max said, leaning on the wall beside me. Then he stretched out his arms and yawned loudly. He hadn't slept well, he'd said. I knew the feeling.

"Yeah," I agreed, still without much conviction. I wanted to believe it was just nerves, but part of me wasn't so sure.

"So then are you ready?" he asked. I grabbed my hat from my bed and put it on. The jacket I was borrowing from Max didn't even have a hood, but I had lost my new one, and Cynthia insisted that this one looked good on me.

"Yeah," I answered. I wasn't though.

Of course leaving meant passing through the living room, where my entire family was practically waiting for me.

"Are you going?" asked my mother. She and Leah were sitting on the couch while my dad sat at the kitchen table with his laptop.

"Yeah."

Leah had a grin on her face, like Max's earlier, but she didn't say anything. Neither did my dad, watching me from the kitchen. He especially seemed unsure of how to be reacting. This was uncharted territory. No one was sure how I was going to react. And with my sleep symptoms on top of that...

"Alright, be safe," said my mother.

How did normal families act, when their gay son was going out on a date for the first time? Mine just seemed so unsure, keeping a safe distance. Or, respectful distance, I mean.

"I will," I answered. Then we were out of the house and climbing into Max's car. At least it was probably just as awkward as other families. The car growled to life and we started driving away.

"So Todd," started Max "You ready?"

"...No."

"No?" he laughed. "You'll be fine. Just relax and try to have fun."

"...He doesn't even know my real name. How am I supposed to explain that?" Giving someone a fake name was definitely a weird way to start.

"Just be honest," he said. Honest. But I couldn't be honest about everything up front, could I? "You'll be fine."

I made a non-committal sighing sound. Times like these I was more of a sit in silent dread kind of person, but they wouldn't have it.

"You just got to be yourself," said Cynthia. "If it works it works, and if it doesn't it doesn't."

She was right, I knew she was. But I guess that was part of what I was afraid of. What if it didn't work? How would I know if it was because we weren't right for each other, or because I had too many issues to be right for anyone? Of course I couldn't say that out loud. There was nothing to say to someone who was just going to be feeling sorry for himself all the time.

"Yeah. I just...I don't know which one I'm worried about."

Max laughed, but Cynthia continued. "Just remember, you can take it as slow as you want."

"Right." So no chopping my hair off again. Why did I ever think that was a smart idea? Well actually I guess it was a lack of thinking entirely.

"Come on Todd," Max said. "Your first date. You can't tell me you're not excited."

"I...I don't know." I really wasn't. I was supposed to be. This was my first date ever, with a really cool guy, but I couldn't even make enough sense of what was going on inside my head to be at least a little happy about it.

At least Max didn't think it was such a big issue. "You'll be fine," he said again. "I bet once you start talking he's going to be all over you."

Would he be? When I had first met Joseph at the park, he did seem pretty forward. The Tiger had even reached over and touched my hair, right after calling it pretty. It was a pretty bold move for a stranger, especially since he hadn't even asked anything about my orientation. But maybe I was just obvious.

"Todd doesn't want him all over him Max," Cynthia said insistently. "He wants to take it slow."

He wants to jump out of the vehicle and run back home. But that was another one of those things I shouldn't say out loud. I pulled out my phone and started skimming through the contacts.

"Todd does, but we don't know about Jeremy."

Jeremy. Why did I tell him that was my name? Good thing Max reminded me or I might have forgotten.

"Jeremy can want to take it slow too," said the Snow Leopard.

"Nah, I bet he even makes the first move."

Going through the names on my phone was giving me a sinking feeling in my stomach, so I looked out the window instead. But the grey gloom wasn't much help.

Somehow I was supposed to explain to Joseph why I had cut off all my hair, and why he wouldn't be able to touch me. He had done it last time, but indirectly. What if he tried to touch my arm, or hold my hand, or....something more? No. No that definitely wouldn't end well. It was a first date though, there wasn't really a reason for us to be so physical like that, right? But if he did...oh crudge if he did...

I wanted the weather to slow us down, give me more time to think. But way too soon we were there.

"Alright Todd," said Max. "This is it."

I stared out the window, trying to ignore the sudden queasiness in my stomach as I gripped the door handle "...Yeah."

The rain was loud when I got out of the car. The inside of the little burger place looked full, and oddly bright in all the grey.

"Call me if you need a ride back okay?"

"Yeah."

I closed the door. Then I just stood there for a second, feeling the rain pouring over and around me. The entire city was wet. Even though it was late the clouds glowed a bright grey, like they were letting you know that the sunlight was still up there if you could just get past them. But down here it was wet and cold. Don't get me wrong, I like the rain, but the past couple of days I could have really used some light and warmth.

I heard people coming out of the restaurant, bringing my attention back to it. Joseph was inside there somewhere, waiting for me, so we could...date. Talk I mean, or whatever. There was nothing to do now but walk forward.

Max didn't drive away until I was right at the door. I hesitated another second before walking in, heart beating fast. Even though no one really paid any attention to me, I felt suddenly over exposed. Because at least one person was going to be paying attention to me.

My eyes searched frantically for a moment, looking through all the faces, until I saw him sitting alone at a table against the wall. But then I kept looking around, for just a second after.

His eyes went wide when he saw me, but he smiled as I approached, and despite the rising panic I managed to smile too.

"Whoa, hey Foxy."

Three words in and I was already turning red.

Jeremy, I reminded myself. "Hi, Joseph."

Crudge, this was really it wasn't it?

I sat down across from him, glad to have a table between us. His eyes were still really blue. He didn't grow his hair out, so all the stripes on his head were visible. His clothes were more casual than mine, which made me worry that the jacket I was wearing was too much. Yet at the same time I was glad I had it.

"You cut your hair," he said, still surprised.

"Oh...yeah."

"Wait, let me see it without the hat."

I reached up and pulled it off my head nervously. Thankfully I hadn't been standing in the rain long enough for it to get really wet, so my hair wasn't a dripping mess or anything.

"Wow. You look good Jeremy."

My ears turned pink, but I relaxed a fraction of an inch. One less worry.

"Kind of miss your pretty hair though. But at least now I can see your pretty face."

Jeez, what was I supposed to say to that? "Um..." So I just smiled and laughed a bit, shaking my head.

"No, come on. You're pretty."

I wasn't though, was I? I mean, my face was pretty average. But then I guess I could end up being somebody's type.

"Thanks," I muttered, embarrassed. I was going to have to keep reminding myself to breathe, wasn't I?

He watched me for a moment. "So?"

"Huh?"

"What about me? Do I got a pretty face?"

My nervousness bubbled out as laughter. "What? Oh, yeah um...your face is great. Your eyes..."

"My eyes?" he grinned.

"...Yeah." I shook my head and shrugged, ears turning red. "You know." And I could tell by his face that he did know. "You know," I accused, "your eyes are..."

"Are...?"

"Pretty," I relented.

"They are, aren't they?" he laughed. I did too. Who knew, this really could be fun. "What made you decide to cut it?" he asked.

Great question. "I just...wanted to try something else for a while."

Thankfully that seemed like enough of a reason for him. "That's cool. Well, it looks nice."

"Thanks," I said again.

"So how have you been?"

"Um," I was supposed to lie wasn't I, keep it positive? "Okay. What about you?"

"Great," he answered. "Was really looking forward to seeing you again."

That got another genuine smile out of me. "Oh," I said quietly.

He smiled at me, his blue eyes almost glowing. He definitely fit the physical description of a dream first date. Now if I could just meet him on the mental part.

"So do you wanna order now?"

"Oh, yeah," I said. "Sure."

"Okay, save the table and I'll order for us," he said as he got up. "What do you want?"

"Uh, just a cheeseburger."

"Alright."

He smiled again, then left to wait in line. I took a breath. This wasn't so bad so far. I mean jeez I was nervous as heck, but nothing I couldn't manage. Just keep trying to have fun, I reminded myself. Maybe this was something I could actually end up enjoying. I pulled my hat back on, and then pulled out my phone and went through the contacts again.

It took him a while, since there was a fairly long line. Apparently the rain really made people crave burgers. I wondered how long he had been saving this table, just sitting here without ordering anything until I got here. Someone must have at least been shooting him dirty looks.

Which made me think, was anyone going to be shooting us dirtylooks?

"Hey, got the food."

"Oh." I put my phone away. "Great."

"I got you fries and a drink too," he said as he placed the tray of food on the table. He handed me an empty cup. "Here, go get yours first."

"Alright."

He had paid even more for me, I realized as I went to fill my cup. I mean, probably not much more, but still. Should I ask to pay him back, or was that rude? I walked back to the table, and then he went to get his drink. Then he returned, and finally we were both settled.

Crudge.

"So what have you been up to?" he asked. He took a big bite of his burger while I reached for a fry.

"Um, just school mostly," I said.

"Hm. So how's that going?"

"Fine, um..." I had been distracted from it recently, but telling him that would invite more questions I didn't want to answer. "You know, it's, school." I made a face for emphasis.

"No kidding," he laughed. "I still got another year till I can even transfer."

"What are you majoring in?" I asked, hoping he hadn't already told me that last time. Jeez, I could barely remember anything we had talked about.

"Engineering," he answered. "There's supposed to be a lot of job openings for that."

No, I don't think he had told me that before. But then I thought about the notebook he had shown me. "What about drawing?"

"Mmm, not really a good way to make money, you know?"

"Oh," I said. "Yeah, I guess."

"Yeah, it's more just something I do for fun."

I took a bite out of my burger, happy that it was pretty warm.

"So do you live around here?" he asked.

"Yeah," I answered. "Um pretty close. You?"

"Sort of. I live in Wellfort, but like kind of close to here. Do you know where that fancy sushi place is at? The one by the gas station and like a flower shop?"

"Uh...I think so."

"Well, yeah, I live like, two blocks away from that."

"Oh. That's kind of far isn't it?" The area around here was densely populated, so you could cross at least five or six different towns in under an hour. But Wellfort was at least a full 20 minute drive from here.

He shrugged. "Not if you have a car. Paying for gas sucks though."

I nodded and looked out the window. The sky was still oddly bright, but gradually it was getting darker. The rain added a dull background noise to everyone's conversations. The longer I looked at it the more it seemed to be falling with some sort of intent.

"You live with your family?" Joseph asked.

My attention snapped back to him. I hoped I hadn't been silent too long. "Yeah. My parents and my sister. What about you?"

"No. My family lives in Berman. I'm sharing an apartment with three of my friends. Needed to get away from my parents, you know?"

I might be leaving my family in the fall, I remembered.

"Is it easier for school?" I asked.

"Yeah, kind of. Not having family breathing down your neck you know?" he laughed.

I put my lips on my straw and drank. Not having my family around was definitely going to be strange. Living in a dorm wasn't going to be fun either. Explaining to a whole new group of people what was wrong with me...

"You're gonna major in Archeology?" he asked.

"Yeah. And hopefully a minor in English too."

He nodded. "What school are you going to?"

"North Dreme. You?"

"Mt. Vernon. Are you going to transfer?"

"Yeah in the fall," I answered.

"Oh cool, do you know which school?"

"I'm not sure yet. Still waiting to hear back from a few of them."

"Any of them really far?" he asked with not quite a smirk. And then I realized what he meant.

Oh.

"Some of them are, kind of," I answered quietly. What if this did work out, but I ended up going away somewhere far? I could try and pick someplace closer, but, no, if I could get into a better school, I couldn't go somewhere else just to stay close to the Tiger. Even Max and I had agreed we wouldn't try and go to the same school just to stick together.

This is the part where he picks up on my worry. "Hey," he says, reaching for my hand. But his voice sounds a little different in my head. "It's fine. We'll figure something out."

This is the part where his not quite smirk turns into a full-fledged one. "Well, good thing I have a car then, right?"

"Yeah," I replied, before I could even process what he was saying. "Oh...yeah." My face was flushing again.

I wouldn't even be leaving until the fall though. But he said it so assuredly. I wasn't really sure what to feel about him seeming so confident that this was going to work out. Wasn't I supposed to be worried about taking it slow?

And yet, I was still kind of um, well I mean it felt...kind of nice. As long as it didn't make me chop my hair off again. Jeez, why had I even done that?

"You said before that you read, right?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah."

"Have you read anything good lately?"

"Um." I racked my brain for the last thing I had read. Lately I'd been too distracted to even try picking up a book. "...I have this one book I've read like billion times. It's called Red and Blue. It has a bunch of short stories about different things."

"Cool," he said.

I thought maybe I should try picking a topic this time. "Um, have you drawn anything new?"

"Yeah. Actually, I have another sketchbook in my car. I'll show you later. I was thinking after this we could go to like a movie or something?"

The first thing my mind thought of was those scenes in movies where the guy tries to hold the girls hand. It would turn out just like that, where the girl moves her hand away before he gets a chance.

"Oh, yeah," I said, already feeling guilty. "That'd be fun."

"Anything you've been wanting to see?"

"No," I answered. "I mean I don't really know what's out right now. Just...school, and stuff."

"Oh, you're one of those hardcore student kind of guys huh?" he smirked. "That's cute."

My ears ducked, turning pink. "I'm really not," I told him. "It's just..." that I was too distracted, even from school, but I couldn't say that. "Finals are coming up, and I missed some classes so I've been trying to catch up."

"That makes sense. Well in that case we could go see Duck Duck Moose. It's supposed to be really funny."

"Oh yeah, the one with..."

The rain outside the window kind of, shifted, making me turn my head. My brain sort of stopped working for a moment as it tried to register the figure standing outside in the rain. He was away on the sidewalk, the hood of his jacket not quite covering up his face. I could just barely make out his features, but from the way he was facing I knew he was looking at the restaurant. And in the pit of my stomach I knew he was also looking right at our window. Right at me.

"What's up?" The Tiger asked. His voice pulled me back for a moment before the rain started dragging my attention away again. He followed my gaze out the window. "Do you know that guy?"

My fingers traced over my side, where underneath my shirt was a patch of bare skin. And no more stitches.

But here was Arnold, ready to give me new ones.

"...Yeah," I said quietly.

Joseph looked over my face. "What's wrong, is he an ex-boyfriend?"

He was trying to make a joke. A small part of me knew I was supposed to laugh or smile or something, but the Ermine out on the sidewalk kept making my mind cloud up. Then he walked forward and I flinched.

"Jeremy? What wrong?"

Get Away.

"...Nothing. No, he's just, someone I know." I managed to pull my eyes away and look at the Tiger again. "No, really he's just...some jerk I run into a lot." That summed it up well. I looked down to see how much food we had left. "Um, do you think we could see the movie a little earlier?"

"Really?" he asked. "That bad?"

My fingers traced over my side again. "...Sometimes."

He looked out the window again at Arnold, who was now definitely close enough that we could tell for sure he was looking right at us. "Shit, is he seriously going to come in here and try and start something?"

"I don't know," I said. "He's kind of..." I remembered the way he led me into the alley that morning, and how he admitted he didn't even know why he hated me, "...crazy."

Not that I was one to talk.

Joseph looked meaningfully at me before speaking. "Alright," he said. "Let's get out of here. Hold on, here, grab the drinks." He handed me the two cups as his eyes followed the Ermine's movements. I started feeling uneasy about how openly he was staring, but then he quickly grabbed the remains of both burgers in one hand and the box of fries in the other. "Let's go." I got up and followed him out the side door, looking back to see Arnold just walking in through the front.

The rain roared around us as we hurried to his car. Thankfully he had managed to park close, which again, looking at the large line in the drive way, made me wonder how long he had been here.

"Oh, uh, can you get my keys?" he asked suddenly. "They're in my jacket pocket."

"Yeah." I moved one of the drinks between my arm and torso so I could reach in. My hand wanted to hesitate, but I was too aware of Arnold being right behind us to think about it. The inside of his pocket was warm, like a heating oven, and I was almost afraid of grabbing the keys. But they were the same temperature, and once they were out they cooled in the rain.

"Press the unlock button twice," he told me. I did it quickly, and then opened the driver-side door for him. He managed to smile a little, like something was funny. "Thank," he said.

I hurried over to the passenger side, looking back just once to see Arnold standing awkwardly in the doorway. It looked like he had given up. I shut the door quickly behind me just in case.

We settled ourselves inside quickly as Joseph turned the car on, thankful we hadn't been out in the rain long enough to really get wet. "Are you sure he isn't an ex?" Joseph asked. "He looks kind of disappointed."

He was right. The look on Arnold's face was different than usual. But past experience made it hard to believe he had peaceful intentions. "Usually he looks angrier," was all I managed to say.

I guess it didn't matter. In a few seconds we were leaving the parking lot, and Arnold was left in the doorway, staring after us.

"So," the Tiger said after a moment, "That was fun."

I looked down at the half eaten burger he had given back to me. "I...I'm really sorry about that."

"No, don't worry about it," he said. He reached for a fry and popped it in his mouth. "So like, what's the deal with you two?"

If only I knew. I took a second to consider what to leave out. "Um, I ran into him once, in an alley. He was with some other people, but he was the only who really started to, try and bug me. Since then I just...have run into him a couple times, and he always tries to, mess with me."

"So, what?" he asked. "He just, saw you and decided he didn't like you?"

"I guess." I tried, once again, to think of anything I might have done. "Maybe he didn't like my hair or something."

"You mean because it was long?"

I wasn't being serious, but when I thought about it, hadn't Arnold mentioned something about my hair?

"Maybe," I shrugged.

It still didn't really make sense though, not until he said, "Maybe he's homophobic."

Oh. Actually, that would kind of make a lot of sense. Why he was always going after me so much without any real reason. Although I guess that would mean my hair had made my orientation obvious.

My eyes peeked over at the Tiger. The arms holding the steering were definitely thicker than mine. And somehow even in the dimness of the inside of the car, Joseph's eyes still had that almost glowing quality. I guess being obvious wasn't a bad thing, if it meant getting noticed by someone like him.

But...Arnold had said he didn't know why he hated me. And he really seemed to mean it. Wouldn't he know if he didn't like me because I was gay, or...

"...I don't know." I shrugged again. "Maybe."

This wasn't at all going the way it was supposed to. We probably weren't even an hour in yet and already my weirdness was catching up to us. I mean, I know it wasn't my fault Arnold had shown up, or at least not directly. But he was part of all the weirdness that had been following me for the last few weeks. I was really hoping I could at least get through my first date ever without it messing things up.

"You okay?"

"Huh?"

"You haven't said anything for a while," Joseph told me.

"Oh. Oh sorry, yeah, no I'm fine. Just...sorry, about all that."

He shook his head. "Like I said, don't worry about it. Still want to go see that movie?"

"Yeah," I replied too loudly. But it was fine, he took it as enthusiasm. It was more a desperation to not have this whole date ruined, but that was probably something else not to say out loud.

"Alright, cool," he smiled. It seemed genuine, like he really wanted to spend more time with me, and was happy I did too. It made a happy little stir in my chest. So maybe this was going better than I thought, and I was just stressing out over it too much. And that wasn't fair. I needed to give Joseph a chance. I wanted to.

"Um, you said you had another notebook in here, right?"

"Oh," he said. "Yeah. Uh, under the seat."

I reached under and pulled it out. The cover was just as intricately detailed as the first one had been, and I was sure his name was hiding somewhere on it again.

"You like my covers?" he asked, clearly proud of himself.

"Yeah," I answered honestly. "You could probably sell them. Like, people can pay you to put their names on there the way you put yours." Suddenly I got the idea to turn it upside down, and sure enough there it was. "Joseph Aden Nordrake," I read aloud.

"I need to start hiding those better. Give you an actual challenge. Hey, what's your full name? Maybe I can make you one."

Should I tell him? I opened my mouth, but the words got stuck in my throat. "Um, Greytail. That's my last name."

"Jeremy Greytail. No middle name?"

There was an idea. Maybe I could say Jeremy was my middle name. But trying to fix a lie with another one didn't seem like it would really make things much easier. Or maybe it was just that I still couldn't get my real name out. "Nope."

"Alright, cool," he smiled. "Less work for me."

I opened the notebook, and was just as amazed by the drawings as last time. There were figure drawings and scenery, animals and plants and abstract shapes. I flipped through the pages, each one just completely incredible. Even his sketches looked like finished drawings.

"How do you do all this?" I asked.

"Lot of practice." He shrugged, but there was an obvious smile on his face.

"I bet you could make a lot of money doing this if you tried."

"You think so?"

"Definitely," I said. The next page I turned to had a whole scene drawn out. Most of the drawings were in pencil, but this one was colored in with what I had to guess was markers. "These are...amazing."

_This is the part where he smiles and reaches over, taking my hand in his. "You're amazing," he says. His voice is equal parts flirty and sweet, just like the face he makes. The color of his fur mat_ches the...

This is the part where he smiles, keeping his eyes faced forward. "Thanks," he says quietly, and I can almost make out the pink tinge under his fur. It's better somehow, and I feel another happy little stir in my chest. I'm pretty sure my ears turn pink too.

I flipped through each page of his notebook, taking every opportunity to tell him how great I though each drawing was, and he would say something back, either about the drawing or about how nice it felt having someone compliment them. And then eventually subtle and then not so subtle flirts.

Outside the rain fell heavily on every surface it could reach, drenching everything in water. But inside we stayed dry and warm and pink.

So that's what we do for a while. Turn each other pink.

***********

"Here?" I asked over the rain. The umbrella he was holding above us could only stretch so far, so we still had to stand much closer to each other than I thought was safe, but the sound of rain hitting the concrete was still pretty loud.

"Yeah, since our first attempt at eating food together didn't work out."

"Ice-cream isn't really food," I pointed out.

The little corner store he was leading me towards shined almost unbelievably bright and fluorescent, the neon green tiles and the bright pink line along the white walls inside making it stand out to the point where you could almost hear it blaring through all the grey darkness around it.

"No," he agreed. " It's better."

"And isn't it kind of cold for ice-cream?"

"It's not ice-cream," he insisted. "It's frozen yogurt."

"Okay," I smirked. "Still though, isn't it kind of cold for frozen yogurt?"

"Did you want something else?" he asked honestly.

"Oh, no it's fine," I said quickly. "...But, only if you let me pay."

"Let you pay?"

"Yeah, you know..." What was the best way to phrase this? "I mean, I want to, do something too, for you. I don't want it to just be you doing stuff for me."

He smiled at me, and at first I thought it was a smirk before I saw the softness behind it. It made me want to fidget.

"Alright, sure," he said as he opened the door open for me. "You can pay."

I hadn't been to this particular place before, but I knew how it worked. There were multiple dispensers lined up that each gave out a different flavor of ice-cream. Frozen yogurt, sorry. We both grabbed containers and started pulling on the levers to fill them. I had only put two, but he was already mixing in a fourth.

"You're supposed to leave room for toppings," I laughed.

"There's room," he insisted. "See, I left a little space here on the side. Besides, if someone else is paying, might as well take advantage and get as much as I can.

"Hey! What if I don't have enough money for all of that?"

He moved over to the toppings and started piling them on. "Then I'll just have to help you pay."

"No," I said quickly. "You said you'd let me pay. You're not allowed to help."

To poorly make my point, I put even more yogurt into my container, which really did nothing but make it more likely that I'd need his help to pay for it all. But thankfully I did end up having enough, and soon we were sitting at a table with neon-colored plastic spoons.

"Mmmm."

"It's good, right?"

I took another spoonful before answering. "Yeah."

"And you said it was too cold for ice-cream," he smirked.

"Frozen yogurt. And you were right, I was wrong. There is never a bad time for frozen yogurt."

"Nope," he agreed. "Never. Here, try some of mine."

_This is the part where he scoops out a small chunk of yogurt and holds the spoon out to my lips. I blush, opening my mouth slowly and leaning forward. When the yogurt reaches my tongue, it's soft and creamy. His eyes watch me as the sun sh_ines...

This is the part where he pushes his container towards me. But for too long I just stare at it.

"What's wrong?"

"Hu-Oh, nothing, sorry." I dipped my spoon in, stealing one of his gummy bears before trying it. I was surprised when I realized it actually tasted really good. "What flavor is that?"

"Ice-cream Sandwich."

"Don't you mean frozen yogurt sandwich?"

He smiled and rolled his eyes. "No, I don't. It's ice-cream sandwich _flavored_frozen yogurt."

"How do you know it's not just melted down ice-cream sandwiches?"

"The same way I know your strawberry one isn't just melted strawberries."

An idea formed, and my first instinct was to shrink away from it. But the way he treated me, and the way it made me feel, and even just his face kept drawing me in. I had been holding back, hadn't I? There was an urge to reach into my pocket and pull out my phone, but I knew that wouldn't help. What was the point of holding back? It wasn't like...there was a reason to.

Joseph, here, now, was making an effort to reach me. Maybe the first guy to ever really try with me. I mean, it was only fair that I tried too, right? I couldn't just shy away for the rest of my life. I said I was going to try and get better. I needed to stop holding back.

I hoped this didn't make me look stupid.

"Are you sure?" I asked quietly. Then I dipped my own spoon into my container and filled it. The burning in my cheeks let me know I was probably turning red as I lifted it and held it forward to him. "Try it."

Everything depended on him now. I almost panicked when he looked surprised, but then he smiled, and I knew he wasn't going to let me feel stupid. Still, this was so far out of my comfort zone. My heart hammered in my chest as he opened his mouth and leaned forward, letting me feed him the strawberry yogurt.

Heat almost visibly moved from his mouth to the spoon, and I could feel it starting to turn nearly iron hot inside. I kept my fingers carefully on the other end, trying to assure myself the heat wouldn't travel despite the slight tingling my fingers felt from being so close to his face.

Also I was staring at his lips, and the way they ran down the length of the spoon, emptying it while leaving a small line of yogurt along the inner edge. I almost licked my own lip reflexively.

Overall it was a good distraction.

He smiled then, staring at me just a second too long. Then he said, "You're right. That does taste a lot like a real strawberry."

I really don't know why my stomach fluttered.

"Yeah," I said. "It's really good." My voice wasn't completely unaffected. I put the spoon back into the yogurt, expecting it to sizzle and for steam to rise up, but all that happened was me realizing how hard it was going to be to use that spoon now.

It was impossible to look him in the eye now, so instead I looked out the window. Everything was so dark and grey outside, a huge contrast to the light brightness in here. Even just how dry I felt considering we just ran through the all the water pouring outside.

I didn't realize I had zoned out again until I heard his voice.

"You alright?"

"Huh? Oh. Oh sorry," I said quickly. "Sorry, I'm just..."

"It's fine Jeremy," he smiled. Every time he used that name my heart sank. "Do you want to talk about it?"

My fingers spun the spoon around my cup half-heartedly. "It's nothing."

"You sure?"

"Yeah...Just want the rain to finally let up."

"You don't like the rain?" he asked.

"I do," I said. "Usually a lot, but...I don't know. I guess recently it would have been nice to have some sunshine..." My voice died out, but he didn't really notice.

"It'll clear up soon."

"Yeah," I agreed. It was hard to believe though, looking outside and seeing just how strongly the rain continued to fall.

He stared at my face a little while before talking. "At least the theater will keep us away from the weather for a while."

"Yeah." And that was actually a nice thought. "Hopefully it won't be raining in the movie."

"I bet it's going to be pouring," he smirked.

"It probably will, won't it?"

"Yup. Just, nonstop raining. It's not even a movie, it's actually just a documentary about rain."

I laughed, and almost just like that, whatever I had been feeling before slipped into the back of my mind again. "Well, maybe it'll be boring enough to sleep through all the rain."

"I hope so," he agreed, smiling. "But really though, there's probably going to be some sad scene with rain or something. Just, you know, want you to be prepared for that."

"Oh gosh. I'll make sure I close my eyes."

"I'll hold your hand if you want?" He was smiling, but thank goodness it was suggestively because I don't know what I would have done if it had been more sincere.

Still, my mind did a little scramble, and it took me a moment to figure out what to say.

"I don't hold hands 'til the third date."

His smile stretched out into a laugh. "If you wanted a third date, you could just ask. You don't have to force yourself to not hold my hand."

"I'm not forcing myself to not do anything. I was just raised to be classy."

"Oh, excuse me."

"You're excused."

Laughing distracted me enough to use the spoon again. When I remembered, it was already out of my mouth, the heat snapping its teeth at my lips, but no real damage done. The yogurt cooled down any residual heat, and I figured I could keep eating as long as I didn't really let the spoon touch my lips too much.

"So I guess we'll have to go on three more dates."

My brain became too foggy to do anything but math. "Wouldn't it only be two?"

"The third one's on me."

He had such a huge smirk on his face. I guess I walked right into that one. But I smiled too anyway. Until little things started to creep into my mind. Hot things, and imaginary things.

"Yeah?" I asked, still smiling. "Even if, we have to keep running from random guys?"

"Why?" he asked, and suddenly he looked actually worried. "Is there going to be a lot?"

Oh crudge. I just realized what that probably sounded like.

"No! No I didn't mean it like that."

"Oh," he laughed, relieved. "Okay, good. I thought you meant like..."

"No, no," I assured him. "There's just the one guy. And he's really not an ex-boyfriend. Or current boyfriend or wannabe boyfriend or anything like that."

"No, I believe you." But everything in his face jokingly implied that he didn't.

"I mean, maybe five or six more, but that's it."

"Yup." He shook his head. "I knew it. I even said to myself, this guy has at least six ex-boyfriends."

"Give or take, yeah."

He seemed to look at me intently for a moment, so I tried eating another spoonful to distract myself.

"I don't think I'd mind it," he said finally. I looked at him and he shrugged. "Dodging a bunch of guys I mean. If it meant going on more dates with you."

I didn't know what someone was supposed to say to that, but I hoped it included a lot of silly smiling. "More dates?"

"Yeah, if that's okay with you."

I kind of shook my head. Not saying no, just not really believing. "Um...so then, is this one going...okay?"

The Tiger's expression became thoughtful. "I mean, I'm having fun. Are you?"

Crudge, was making him worry? "Yeah," I nodded.

He nodded too. "Okay. 'Cause you've gone silent on me a few times, and I wasn't sure if..."

"No," I said quickly. "That's just...It's just been a, really...weird week."

"Alright," he said, smiling. "Maybe a funny movie's just what you need then."

This is your first date, I told myself again. I needed to not mess this up. Forget about anything that happened before, and let myself have fun.

"Yeah," I agreed. "As long as it doesn't actually turn out to be a documentary on rain."

"Right," he laughed. "But who knows, maybe it'll have a blooper reel."

"Of what, the rain falling in the wrong direction?"

"I've heard rain is really hard to work with."

I looked out the window and sighed, watching it fall endlessly, like there was a whole ocean up in the sky for it to drain.

"It really is," I said, hoping it didn't sounds as serious as it felt.

***************

So somehow the movie turned out great. Not just the movie itself, but us, on a date at the movies.

I had been worried about the whole holding hands thing, but it turned out that little joke I had made earlier really saved me from that one. Early on during the movie he put his hand on the armrest between us. Several thoughts flickered through my mind as I looked at it. But then I decided to resolutely place both my hands in my lap with overemphasis. From the corner of my eye I saw him look over, and from the motion of his head I could tell he was rolling his eyes. I suppressed a smile, which became harder to do when he purposely flipped his hand over, palm up and fingers splayed. He settled as stubbornly into his position as I had.

As the movie went on we'd forget about our hands for a while, until one of us would remember, and then the other would too. He'd always put his hand back the way it was on the armrest. Mine would find different places to hide, in my lap or between or under legs, or crossed over my chest like I was cold. As one point I put both hands on the other armrest, and when he sighed I laughed a little out loud.

At another point, of course, there was a rain scene. He looked at me with a pained expression and lifted his arms as if to say "I'm sorry." I sank into my seat and pretended to bury my face in my hands. It was pretty fun.

When the movie finally ended he got up and actually offered me his hand to me up. It was so sweet I handed him the rest of the popcorn. When we make it outside it seems like the rain only managed to fall even harder.

It was there again, that weird strip of rain that looked like it was falling in a different pattern. It almost made a path, and there was this little tugging urge to follow.

Don't Follow.

It wasn't like I could anyway. Not with Joseph here. But ignoring it left me with that weird little feeling of uncertainty, like I wasn't convinced I was listening to the right part of my mind.

"Wow," the Tiger said with a wry smile. "It's really coming down."

"Yeah," I agreed. And it was so dark too. I knew it must have happened even before we got to the theater, but something in my brain finally registered that the sun must have set. There was a strange sinking feeling, and I pulled out my phone.

"What time is it?" he asked.

"10:42," I said, but I wasn't looking at the time. My fingers brought me back to my contact list.

"Wow, it's late."

"Yeah." But then I really heard him. "Oh, yeah." Now really wasn't the time to be spacing out. I took one final look at the list of names before putting my phone away.

We were standing under an awning right outside the doors of the theater. There weren't many people out this late in this weather, so very quickly the small crowd of moviegoers scattered until it was just us left.

"Should I start thinking about taking you home?"

It would figure that once I finally start to really have fun it's time to end it. But that was a really nice thought. I was having fun.

"I guess you should start thinking about it, yeah."

He opened up his umbrella and lifted it. "Unless there's something else you want to do?"

"Um..." My shoulders shrugged while my arms wrapped around myself to fend off the growing cold. I really did want to think of something, but the only thought that came out was, "Find someplace warm."

He laughed. "Well, it could be warm in my car once we get the heater going. After that...we can figure it out from there I guess."

"Alright," I agreed. Warmth sounded great right now.

"Of course, your hands could have been warm already..."

"If I was a guy with no morals, sure."

He sighed exaggeratedly as we started walking to his car. "I just had to date a guy with morals."

"And at least six ex-boyfriends," I reminded him.

"Jeez."

We only made it halfway to his car before someone yelled, "Hey!"

This is the part when I turn and see...

This is the part when I turn and see him again. His jacket is soaked through to his fur. He must be freezing, but he's walking towards us like he doesn't even notice. All I can think is no, no damn it not now.

"The hell?" I heard Joseph say.

It didn't make sense to me either. There was no way he could have known where we were going to be. But here he was, right when we had gotten out, and right after I was finally letting myself relax and have fun.

Of all the horrible things that could have happened tonight, what were the chances?

I felt a tense knot build up in my stomach. I was angry, and frustrated. It took me a moment longer than it should have to realize he wasn't slowing down. Even longer to think of what do, knowing Joseph was right there.

"Joseph let's..."

It was too late.

"I need to talk to you," he said. But he kept walking forward, and it really gave off the impression that he wanted to do more than talk. I saw his arm twitch, and I knew he was going to grab me. I tensed, so miserably upset about him showing up that I was almost eager to fight with him, but then Joseph was moving in front of me, bringing the Ermine up short.

"Hey! What's your problem?"

This is the part when he takes a stance, defending me from the Ermine. He is like a knight in shining armor, hand drawing forward as it pulls out...

This is the part where Arnold says, "I wasn't talking to you, faggot," and the effect is immediate.

Joseph's fur bristled. "The fuck did you say?" He stepped dangerously forward, but Arnold met him head on.

"I said I wasn't talking to you. Faggot."

Joseph's hand shot out, grabbing the Ermine by the collar, but Arnold was ready for it. His arm shot out straight, connecting with the Tiger's chest with a hard pumf sound, and for once sickening second I thought, what if he has his knife?

"Stop!"

I move myself between them, pushing Arnold away as I pull the Tiger back. It's the first time I've touched him today. It stings worse than the one I feel from Arnold.

"Stop it!" The pain makes it sound angrier. My hands pull back fast from both of them. I'm not under the umbrella anymore so I try to force my palms open to catch as much of the rain as I can. Joseph looked at me like he was a little embarrassed. Arnold glared at me, which I was used to. I glared back.

"What?" I shout over the rain. I want to be even angrier, louder, but knowing Joseph was there made me want to not completely lose it. But the pain in my hands doesn't let me pull back completely. "What do you want?"

It's almost familiar, the way his face loses some of its anger as it's replaced with uncertainty. He glances over at Joseph. "I need to talk to you...Alone."

This is the part where he steps forward again. "No," he says. "Absolutely not." Then he turns to me. "I'm not leaving you here with him...

This is the part where Joseph looks at the Ermine, and then me. He's hesitant, obviously, but he'll do it if I ask. I don't really want to, but I also don't want him to notice my hands.

"...Joseph..."

"...I'll wait by the car."

I tried to read something from his voice, but all I could make out was reluctance. But then he held out the umbrella to me. "Here."

My anger went out like a candle. The pain almost does too, but the handle of the umbrella is almost uncomfortably warm.

But it's a sweet gesture. "...Thanks." I tried to smile, and he smiled back, so maybe this whole thing wasn't shot to hell. But he gave Arnold one last dirty look before hurrying over toward his car. I faced the Ermine again. "What?"

"Is he your boyfriend or something?" he asked.

"Why, are you jealous?" It was a half-hearted attempt to bother him. His face contorted, so I guess it worked.

Then he sort of shifted, and wiped at his eyes. "...Can we stand somewhere else?"

"You should have brought an umbrella."

He gave me an ugly look, but it was undermined by the helplessness on his face, like he really wished he had brought one.

Maybe it's because I am not used to being so spiteful, or maybe it's because I really just want him to get on with it. I'm almost ashamed to admit which one probably played the bigger role.

"Here," I said, lifting the umbrella higher for him. He just looked at me like I was offering him a plate of worms. "It's that or keep standing in the rain."

He let out an unhappy huff, and wiped more water out of his eyes. "Do we..." His voiced died out. I lowered the umbrella again while I waited, trying not to sigh or groan in frustration. Couldn't he ever just know why he was so intent on ruining my life? I was getting tired of him just hating me without even being able to tell me the reason. When he finally figured out his words, they didn't help. "What school did you go to?"

"...What?"

"When you were younger," he said, "what school did you go to?"

"Why?"

"Why do you always have to ask why?" he growled.

"Fine," I said, turning away. "Forget it."

I should have known better by now.

"Wait!" he shouted. His fingers squeezed hard on my arm, and it felt like hot irons burning through my sleeve.

"Aaah!"

I jerked away hard, dropping the umbrella as my other hand clutched the spot he touched, trying to squeeze the fire out. Rain poured over it, and I couldn't understand why it didn't fizzle.

He looked at me for a second like I was the crazy one. "What happened?"

Anger spiked back through my brain for just a moment. "None of your business!" I shouted, which probably sounded stupid. "What do you want Arnold?"

I saw resentment and frustration flash over his face, but it gave way to that helpless look again. "I...Just tell me what school you went to."

"Why?" I was breathing too hard. My hand rubbed up and down, trying to soak as much rain in my sleeve as I could.

His eyes watched it, refusing to meet mine. "...What's wrong with your arm?"

I made a frustrated sound, but I knew it wasn't going to help, so I tried to just breathe through it. "I don't like being touched."

He considered it for a moment. Then longer, until I started to think he was just staring at me. The umbrella was still on the floor, but the cold rain felt too good to try and pick it up yet. Finally, he said. "...I think I know you."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said. "But I..." His face scrunched up and he rubbed as his face some more. "I don't know. Maybe we went to the same school or something."

I searched my head for some memory of a younger, ill-tempered Ermine boy, but all I found was a sudden headache.

Leave.

"Rio Mar Elementary," I said, trying to get this over with. "That's the school I went to."

His face sort of fell, and he shook his head, though more to himself then me. "What about..."

"Then El Verde High School."

I didn't like telling him all this, and if he asked about where I was going now I already knew I would lie. The pain had almost vanished now, so I picked the umbrella back up, shaking off the water that fell on its inside.

"Maybe..."

Maybe this, maybe that, maybe he was just crazy. I didn't feel like hanging around while he tried to figure it out.

"Jeremy?" I turned, and saw Joseph back again, looking worried. He was almost going to each out and put his hands on me, but I quickly lifted the umbrella back up between us to cut him off. "Are you okay? I thought I heard you yell." Then he shifted his gaze and stared at Arnold, and it definitely wasn't friendly.

"I'm fine," I told him. "It was nothing." I looked back to Arnold. "Is that it?"

Oh.

He was looking, glaring at me, something dangerous starting to burn up in his eyes. "Why did he call you Jeremy?"

"I..." Oh. Oh crudge. "It's..."

"You told me your name was Alex." His voice sent a cold chill down my back. I took a step back. "You lied to me." He was angry, but he also wasn't ballistic, which was starting to scare me even more.

My eyes moved to Joseph, who looked back at me. I could see it in his face. Why had I told the Ermine my name was Alex?

Alex.

"You pulled me into an alleyway! What was I supposed to do, give you my actual name?" I think I managed to sound so much more confident then I felt.

"I didn't pull you in," he said, voice getting louder. "You walked in yourself." Which was technically true. He just left a trail I was stupid enough to follow.

"He did what?"

Arnold glanced at Joseph, and suddenly I wanted to pull him out of here. Every moment the Ermine didn't explode with rage made him seem more and more dangerous. "Your name isn't even Jeremy, is it?"

A moment of panic. My eyes reflexively looked at Joseph, and he looked back. He must have seen something on my face, because for just a moment he looked unsure.

"Is that why you were crying in the park? One of your little faggot boyfriends found out you were lying-"

"Hey!" Joseph shouted suddenly. "You watch your fucking mouth."

"The fuck are you-"

"Crying in the park?"

They both looked at me.

"Don't fucking play dumb," Arnold said. "Last week you were running to the park, and when I found you you were standing out in the rain crying."

My head started to hurt a little again. Was I in the park last week? Last week was...I mean, I'm always at the park. In the rain though...?

"What are you talking about?"

"I said don't fucking play stupid." But his face flickered, and for a second he looked almost, unsure. And I was remembering how sure I was that he was crazy.

"...Are you sure you didn't...dream it, or something?"

Something flashed over his face, surprise or clarity or something else, but then it flooded over, and he was angry.

"I didn't dream it!" he shouted.

Joseph reflexively took a step back. And put a hand on my arm, to pull me back too.

I made a breathy pained sound and jerked away. He looked at me, suddenly looking worried that he had hurt me or something. Arnold looked at me too.

"You did that before too," he said, voice quiet again for a moment.

"What did you do to him?" Joseph yelled, whirling to face him.

"He doesn't like to be touched."

It happened too fast to react. Arnold's arm shot out and grabbed mine, squeezing his fingers into it. The umbrella fell out of my hand. I cried out, and Joseph went almost livid, yanking his arm off and pushing the Ermine away. They started to go at each other, but all I could focus on was how much my arm burned. I hunched over in the rain, hugging it against my chest while trying to let as much rain fall on it as I could.

"Look!" I heard Arnold shout.

And suddenly they were both looking at me. "Jeremy?" He ignored the Ermine completely then and hurried over to me. I knew what was coming, and I had to stop him.

"Wait!"

He stopped, crouching next to me, hovering. "What? What's wrong?"

"You weren't lying about that part were you?" Arnold said above us. Joseph almost looked ready to attack him again, but the Ermine didn't seem to care. "You don't like being touched."

Joseph looked at me, and I could feel everything starting to unravel. Maybe it hadn't started out so perfectly, but it was my first date ever. And I had finally started to have fun, and everything had started to feel right. Until Arnold showed up and started pulling it all apart.

"What do you want from me?" I shouted, picking myself up and facing him.

"Just tell me the fucking truth!"

"I don't know who you are! You just keep showing up and acting crazy!"

Crudge.

"I'm not crazy!"

He shoved me, hard, and the floor was wet so I slipped and fell on my back.

"Shit!" Joseph's hands were on me again.

"Let go!" I shouted, because his still hurt more than the burning spot on my chest. I rolled onto my stomach, pressing it and my arm into the cold concrete.

"Jeremy what's wrong?"

"I'm not crazy," Arnold said again. "I didn't dream it or..."

Dream.

I lifted my torso with my arms and turned back over. The Ermine had that helpless look on his face again. Our eyes met. I had had dreams about running through a forest in the rain. There was no way Arnold could know that, was there? Or...

"I'm not crazy," he said again, more resolutely.

I hated the Ermine, for all of this. All I wanted to do was throw myself at him, punch and kick and claw and bite until he never bothered me again. From where I was I could probably kick him hard in the leg, hard enough to bring him down and let it all out.

I wanted to hurt him. And it almost scared me. This wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be.

"Just leave me alone Arnold," I pleaded.

He was breathing hard. Joseph stood up next to me, tensed and ready to attack. The Ermine just looked menacingly for a moment. But then he turned, just liked he always did, and walked away.

"Jeremy? Are you alright?" I looked up. He looked down at me briefly before quickly offering me his hand. "Here, come on."

"I..." He was still being so sweet. I felt my heart sink as I picked myself up. I had called Arnold crazy, but I was the one with imaginary scorch marks all over my body. "I can't touch people, Joseph."

He tried to process that for a while, eventually saying, "...what do you mean?"

"...I mean...I have..." There was a word, from a long a time ago, a different life, that I used to use because I thought it was easier to give people a word for what was wrong with me. It took my mind a second to find it. "...Haphephobia. It's...a phobia of being touched."

It wasn't quite what I had, so I stopped using it. There was too much insinuation in the specifics of it, like that it often developed from some traumatic experience like being molested or raped. And besides that, it wasn't really touching that I was afraid of. I wanted to be able to touch people. I just couldn't, not without burning up.

But usually people didn't know the specifics, so it usually worked just fine. "...You're, afraid of people touching you?" he asked.

I couldn't look him in the eye. "Yeah," I nodded. "I don't know why. I..."

Why not just show him? I lifted my hand up, and signaled for him to do the same. I brought my fingers in close, slowly, and then took a deep breath. I touched the tip of my three middles fingers to his, holding it as long as I could. One second, two, three, four.

This is the part where the numbers keep going higher. Before I can stop myself I try pressing our hands closer. It stings, but the rain keeps it cool. By the minute our fingers are almost interlaced.

This is the part where the numbers keep going higher. Five, six, seven. It stings, but the rain takes the edge off. But by the ten second count it's too much and I pull my hand away, trying to shake the mini-fires out.

"...Does it hurt?" he asked.

"Yeah... it burns. Like touching something really hot."

But of all the things he could have said right then, he probably picked the best one. "I am pretty hot."

I felt so crumby, I was surprised I could still laugh. I sniffed too though, and suddenly I wasn't so sure how much of the water in my eyes was just rain.

"Come on Jeremy," he said. "I'll take you home."

Nothing in his voice even hinted that he thought maybe I had given him a fake name too. It was more then I deserved. I felt better, but also even more crumby.

I nodded.

***************

"Hold on," he said as he turned the car off in front of my apartment building. He grabbed the umbrella and got out, running around to open the door for me.

"Thanks," I told him, happy my voice was finally steady again.

Careful to keep a distance between us, he walked me up the steps to the front door of the building. The porch light was on, as well as all the street lights, and the whole thing was almost romantic.

This is the part where we look into each other's eyes, knowing it's almost time to say goodbye.

"I had a really great time," he says.

"Sorry about-"

But he cuts me off. "None of that bothered me Jeremy."

"Really?

I don't notice him leaning in until he's almost there. "Don't you remember? I said I don't care if I had to fight off a hundred ex-boyfriends. As long as I get to spend more time with you."

"He's not my ex," I begin to say, but then I can't because our lips...

This is the part where we are almost avoiding each other's eyes, neither of us really sure what to say.

So eventually I decided to just apologize. "I'm sorry Joseph. About...everything."

He starts to shake his head. "No, Jeremy. Don't be. I don't hold any of that against you. It's wasn't your fault."

"I just...I guess I just really hoped this would turn out better."

"Jeremy." He shifted, and I think if I was someone else he might have lifted my chin. But instead he lowered his head until I looked up at him. "I mean, I had fun," he shrugged. "Mostly. I liked hanging out with you. I know you kind of got quite a few times, and I don't know if you were, bored or something, but..."

"No," I said quickly. "No I just...I had fun too." He smiled, which made it easier for me to do it too. "It's just...been a long week."

"Okay," he said. "So um...do you think we can do this again?"

Do this...oh. Oh.

My heart beat a little faster.

"Even...after all that?"

He smiled a little wider. "Come on, it's not like it's going to be like that all the time right?"

No, I wanted to say, it wouldn't. But I hesitated. And his face kind of shifted, just millimeters, but enough for me to see. He wasn't so sure anymore.

"I don't know," I answered honestly. "There's a lot of...stuff, to work out."

It took him a few seconds, but he managed to brighten up his face again. "Maybe, I could help?"

He was willing to try, part of me said. He was the first guy I ever went on a date with, and despite all of that horribleness he was still willing to try, still willing to walk you to your door at the end of the day, even if he knew he couldn't touch you.

His eyes watched me, waiting for me to answer, to make a choice. And I knew the choice I wanted to make. The one I'd always wanted, for longer then I could remember. I wanted to at least try. But suddenly, the rain sounded too heavy. And everything that had been happening started sinking in deeper.

"Joseph...I'm..." I took a deep, horrible, almost unwilling breath. "I really...really liked hanging out with you. And I...I want to see you again...but," Jeez saying that one word felt awful, "...I just...I don't think I'm ready to try and, bring someone else into this."

All my life I had been afraid of being on the receiving end of this kind of thing. Now I was the one doing it. It felt awful. But I realized I didn't want to drag someone else into all this craziness, when I couldn't even handle it myself. It just didn't feel right.

"Oh..." he said quietly. "...I...Okay."

"I'm sorry Joseph," I said, hoping he could hear how much I meant it. "I just, I really thought I was ready and..."

"No, Jeremy. You don't have to apologize. Don't worry about me." He had to lower his head to bring my eyes back up again. "Really Jeremy. I'll, get over it, eventually...I mean we had fun anyway, right? Mostly," he ended, with laugh.

He managed to crack a smile on me again. "Yeah. Mostly."

"Really. I'm glad I got to know you better. And if it's not, our time, that's okay.

Wasn't he the one technically being rejected? So why was he talking this so much better than I was?

"Okay," I managed to say, nodding.

"Actually, I remembered something. Wait here?" He handed me the umbrella and hurried back to his car. He pulled out something, a book it looked like, and ran back. When got closer I realized it was a binder. "Um, can we stand inside real quick? I don't want it to get wet."

I opened the door quickly, and we piled into the main hallway. On one side were all the mail boxes for each room, and on the other was the door to my house. I pointed it out to him, letting him now that we should keep our voices down.

"What's that?" I asked as he opened up the binder.

"It's where I keep some of my stuff that aren't in a notebook. Um, here, I drew you this."

I felt my chest tighten up as I looked at the page he handed me. It was drawing of a Fox, just his head, hair still long, before he went crazy and stupid and chopped it all off.

"Joseph, I..."

"I know it's not going to change your mind," he said. "But I really wanted to give it to you anyway."

"...Thank you," I almost whispered. It really looked like me, and it was as detailed and amazing as everything else he drew.

"You're welcome," he smiled. "And Jeremy, if, maybe later, if we're both still single and you...feel like you want to give us another shot, you can call me?"

"Yeah," I smiled, genuinely smiled. "I'd like that."

"Awesome," he said. He reached for the doorknob and turned. "See you around Jeremy."

"Bye. Joseph."

And then he left and closed the door behind him.

Joseph. Maybe the sweetest Tiger in the whole world. He was definitely a prince charming. I just, didn't feel like his.My life right now was too different, crazy, to let someone like him in.

It took, maybe a few minutes to steel myself up until I felt ready to face my family. But surprisingly, I didn't feel so terrible anymore. I didn't feel good, but also not terrible. It hadn't ended well but, with Joseph, at least now I knew, I wasn't incapable of trying to find someone. Maybe even him again, one day. But right now we were in two different worlds and I wasn't ready to be part of his, and I definitely didn't want to drag him into mine.

I needed one more moment to myself. I left the drawing by the door where it'd stay nice and dry, and stepped out into the rain again.

Inside you could almost pretend it wasn't raining that hard, but out here it fell heavy and loud. If I stood out in it too long I'd be drenched, but I didn't plan too. I just wanted to feel it falling over me.

My fingers crept under my clothes, feeling over my scars

The stitches were finally gone.

After all those horrible times spent staring at them in the bathroom mirror, they were finally out. And when I brushed my fur down, in some thinner places you could barely even tell there were lines of furless skin. My hair was short now too. I was like a new person, but, deep down, I was still me. The whole date I had been trying to hide myself. And that was fair, not to me, and definitely not to the Tiger.

But, he had seem me, part of me, right at the end. And, he still wanted to try.

Sort of. But it was, nice.

I'd lost my first date though. One more of those little thing I had to scratch of the list. There had been no life-long friend I'd realize I have feelings for and who'd have them back, no high-school teenage romance, and now no having my first date ever with the one. I didn't feel so bad though, not anymore. Stories had millions of different little cliché's to hope for.

I just hoped I wouldn't have to keep crossing things off for too much longer.

***************

Showered and changed, I let myself fall into the beautiful warmth of my bed. My family seemed relieved that I wasn't a mess. They were surprised when I ended up telling them it hadn't worked out, but I showed them the picture, and I guess it helped them feel okay with it the way it helped me. Now the picture sat on top of my bookshelf, until I could find a better place for it.

I didn't mention what happened in the parking lot, obviously. I didn't tell them specifically why it hadn't worked out, despite Leah making me describe everything else in detail. I think my mother knew I was hiding something, but since I ultimately seemed okay with it, she didn't pry.

On my bed I thought about, of all things, Arnold. My hand reached for my phone and started scrolling through the contacts list again. Could Arnold of somehow known what I had been dreaming about? No one I knew would have told him though, would they?

Maybe I did and just forgot. All of last week was kind of blurry, like I couldn't really remember anything specific. I just knew I hadn't felt so great.

I looked under D, but all I saw was my dad. I tried under W, but the names there were just random people from school projects who's names I hadn't deleted. S had Sam, and a few other random people. Y had nothing.

I read under P, but all that was there was a girl named Patricia from a class I had last year. It seemed empty somehow.

I sat up, trying to relieve a headache I was getting. I scrolled up and down the contacts list, not even sure why.

Who was I even looking for?

I couldn't remember.

***************

I don't know. I don't know if that chapter was worth the wait. But then I never know. But yes, I'll have the next on out before or by December. I'm not sure what songs I listened to to help me get through this chapter. Oh wait yes I do!

Shake Me Down by Cage the Elephant!

For the first half especially, I was listening to that one a lot. Towards the end I'm less sure. Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne made an appearance. The original and a cover done by some chick named Tamara Angel. If you like that song you should listen to it. She has a pretty voice, and an accent.

Aaaaand that's it I guess. You can read my journal if you would like to hear more of me apologizing and excuse making, and also do a journal question thing, that might be fun. Oh yeah, and also an exclusive look into Arnold the Ermine, for those interested.

EDIT: OH! and also All I Want by Kodaline! That song too, how did I forget. XP

Leave comments, starts and faves if you find this chapter worthy enough. All form of support is endlessly appreciated!! <3 <3 <3