The Blessing and The Curse - Part 12
#12 of The Blessing and the Curse
I couldn't remember the last time I actually looked forward to going to school. Maybe in first or second grade, before everyone started to ostracize me, but even then I wasn't very fond of it. As the years wore on, I looked at the mandatory practice of sitting at a desk for hours at a time with an increasing sense of dread, because of everything else that came with the experience. But that Monday, I couldn't wait.
It's difficult to explain, really. For years, everyone else had their way with me. They had whittled my defenses down, day by day, until I had become so miserable and so submissive that they didn't really need to do much to ruin my spirits; I was already doing it for them. I was putting myself down long before they had a chance. All the other kids did was push me over the edge, confirm my own insecurities and provide the finishing touches that would send me crying into my pillow every day. But now? All the words in the world meant nothing to me. I had something that none of them could ever dream of having, and the person who gave it to me did so out of a love far greater than anything they could ever feel.
I walked into my first class with my head held high, almost as if I expected everyone to give me a standing ovation when I walked into the room. They didn't, of course, but I didn't care.
I sat down for the lecture, and the boy sitting behind didn't even bother trying to talk into my ear anymore. Or maybe he did, and I just never heard him. My concentration was so focused and so sharp that I was able to tune into as much or as little of my surroundings as I wanted. If I wanted to hear the teacher drone on about Glasnost, I could. If I wanted to hear the petulant little teenage girls yipping softly about makeup and earrings, I could. If I wanted to block everything out and daydream about me and Gregory having a romp in the woods that night, I could. It was like being on a higher plane of consciousness.
That's how all of my classes went. English, Geometry, Biology, Spanish... I would sit down at my desk, focus, and comprehend.
Gregory and I ate lunch together that afternoon, and few words were said between us. It took all the restraint in the world not to grab him by the ears and kiss him passionately, and I'm sure he felt the same way. It wasn't that I cared if anyone knew about us - it was fairly obvious by now - but I didn't feel like making everyone else uncomfortable. I wanted to save that for one person in particular. When sixth period arrived, though, I finally had the opportunity to do something I always wished I could've done in the past: turn the tables on the one boy who had always been on top of my list of my biggest offenders.
"Hey, Nicky!" a voice shouted from the other end of the locker room as I got undressed for gym class. "You have any wet dreams about Gregory last night?"
I gave Gregory a quick glance, as if to subliminally ask his permission to go ahead. He gave a subtle nod.
"Who needs wet dreams?" I replied with a smirk. "We're already doing it."
"So you are a fucking fag after all," Robbie blurted out, trying to declare victory over the argument. "Aren't you, Nicky? I always knew you were gonna be a skinny little cocksucker."
"Skinny, maybe. Little, no. You got no idea what I'm packing in these." I pointed lewdly at my boxer shorts.
"Dude, get your ugly little cock out of my face!" Robbie said in revulsion.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you want it in the ass instead?" I quickly snapped back.
The rest of the kids in the room began to laugh. This time, I was the one on the attack, and it was Robbie who was stumbling for the snappy answers.
"Listen, you prick!" Robbie came right up to my face. "Your bedbuddy over there can't protect you forever. You better not let me see you anywhere without him, because I will kick your fucking ass so hard it-"
Robbie didn't get to finish his threat, because I had my lips pressed against his. The entire locker room roared. It wasn't a long kiss - it certainly wasn't done with any of the emotion I reserved for Gregory - but it accomplished exactly what I was aiming for.
Robbie frantically pulled away. "What the fuck was that??" He asked, flustered. "Dude, get the fuck away from me! Fucking freak!"
"What's wrong, Robbie?" I asked, in total control of the situation. "Saving yourself for the right guy?"
"I'm not a fucking queer like you, Nicky!" Robbie began to back away.
I kept moving in closer and closer. "You sure? What if I did this?" With one swift move, my left hand was clutching the crotch of his gym shorts. Beneath the cotton, I could feel his pubescent cock thickening from the contact.
"Stop touching me, fag!" Robbie broke away again, and this time I let him. Baggy as his shorts were, there was no denying the outline of an erection sticking out from the middle.
"Looks like you were enjoying it, Robbie," I said as I walked away nonchalantly. "If you ever want me to finish the job, just gimme a call. Hell, maybe Gregory will join in too - if you like it in both ends, that is."
The whole room was in stitches. Robbie Brooks, the high and mighty superjock, had just had his masculinity bruised by the person who had been the biggest loser in school. No amount of athletic prowess would be able to counteract that. Flustered, Robbie made his way to the blacktop outside, having to deal with the same type of derision that I'd been subjected to for so long. It wasn't even the beginning of any payback for what he'd done to me over the years, but just seeing him so embarrassed was a reward in itself.
When I returned to my locker, Gregory was there with a smirk that showed that he clearly liked how I had just given Robbie a dressing down.
"Well done, Nick," he said softly.
I smiled. "Thanks."
"But do you think he may retaliate in the future?"
"So what if he does," I replied matter-of-factly. "It's like you said before. He knows he isn't dealing with the same Nick Donahue who would let him insult me and get away with it. I'll bet he knows that he can't take me physically either - especially after this weekend."
Gregory smiled. "We aren't trying to hurt anybody, Nick. Remember that. Robbie deserves this humiliation, but don't lower yourself down to his level."
I thought about that for a second and nodded. "I know. It just felt so... so good to finally give back a little bit of the crap he's given me for so long. I'm sorry."
"There's no need to apologize. You never need to apologize when you do what comes naturally. That is how the wolf operates, so you have no reason to act any differently." Gregory finished dressing and went outside, and I soon followed him.
It was funny, watching Robbie during class that day. The way he kept getting bombarded with gay jokes and teased for what had happened in the locker room. I had never seen him so self-conscious, so paranoid. I think I may have touched a nerve with him. Either he was so sexually repressed that what I'd done had completely flustered him, or he was just that homophobic. The way he kissed back, though, I knew it wasn't the first option. In any case, it was clear that I had gotten into his head enough that he couldn't perform to his usual level. Every once in a while I'd glance at the soccer field where Robbie's team was playing, and see him struggle to keep up with the play or let the ball-handler get by him. And every time it happened, I could seem him beat himself up even more.
Meanwhile, Gregory and I were outplaying everyone else in class. Even those who had spent all of their adolescence in one of those banal little soccer leagues that do more to inflate the parents' egos than teach the kids any sort of skills of the game. I was able to react, to comprehend information and respond, far better than I'd ever done before. I could see everything unfold in front of me, like the other team was playing in slow motion, and I would make the right play without even thinking it, dodging defenders who were off-balance, passing the ball off when a teammate was free, taking the open shot when I had the opportunity. No need to think, no need to plan. Just doing what came naturally.
I think that's what they call... instinct.