FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Reflections on SuicideLeap of FaithLife is hard. Or was hard, anyway. I can't say life is still hard for me because I am no longer alive. I no longer have a life to live; no longer do I need a body to keep. I am who I am, and that is all there is to it. There was a time, though, that I was alive, and I lived as a man on earth. Those were rough times, but little did I know then how much I should have appreciated it when I had it. Now that is all gone, and I am cursed to live as I am, a wandering soul without a body, without a home. If you care to join me tonight, I can tell you my story of birth and life; and of death and life - for death is another form of birth. Death is a horrible loss to humans, but a beautiful gain for dæmons. And once I had joined the ranks of the dead, well ... how about we start from the beginning, then. Shall we?It was not too long ago I was alive. I was born into the body of a young boy, and grew up and lived. I loved certain things more than others, and often found myself alone. A quirky young fellow, without much friends. I took great pleasures to be with the earth, and to care for the animals of this handsome planet. I took great interest into the birds, which soared high and sang with such grace. I would spend my afternoons in the trees, with the birds, wondering about their nature: where they are going, or from where they came. I never really asked myself these questions though: where am I going, or from where did I come? I just dragged along in life, as usual, as anyone else would.

 I eventually got bored. With school and work, everything seemed drab, grey, and even pointless. I read church pamphlets and stuff, but never took that seriously enough, about life and death and life thereafter. It was all too superficial for me anyway. I couldn't make sense of it, why should I believe in it? I just carried on with my life, no real interest in the things around me, except the birds. Oh, how I wonder what you would see way up there, to live in the skies and sing the songs of grace all day long? That day I decided to go see if I can feed some birds in the park.On my way back though, I don't know if it was curiosity or stupidity or both, but I really thought hard about jumping that bridge I cross over the great river. It was high up, enough to make you dizzy. I guess I thought I would fly like the birds, or something stupid like that. Anyway, I just jumped. I was bored, and didn't really seem to be getting anywhere in life anyway. I was just always so bored.Well, I hit the ground, I think. It didn't really hurt as much as I would have thought it would. I looked up though and thought to myself, "I fell all that way? How did I survive?" "But you didn't!" A deep booming voice startled me from behind, I felt fear in a way I never really felt before. I also noticed something weird about myself. I just couldn't really tell, but I felt really off, out of my skin, so

to speak. "And who are you?" I replied, sounding a little surprised I guess, I didn't expect anyone to be down here. "But you do know me. I've been with you this whole time, getting to know your thoughts and mind, following your every move." What a creeper, I thought to myself, What the hell is this bridge troll freak doing here anyway? He replied with that same creepy deep booming voice, "I've been waiting for you here, just as I thought, you took the opportunity to join me down here. Welcome."

 Okay, so now I am totally freaked out. I feel .. odd, to say the least, but now this weirdo keeps replying to my thoughts as if they were spoken word. So I thought to myself, "Can you hear me?" I swear I didn't speak but he replied in that same voice, "Loud and clear." Okay, now beyond confused, I reached for my pocket, trying to feel for my pants but I just couldn't find the pocket, like some sort of bad dream. I couldn't even find my legs. This strange man began to chuckle in a deep, eerie way. "My son, why do you worry? I am your father now, don't try to stab me. Where is your knife anyway, young man? You don't need those things anymore, you're with me now." And so I barked at him "And just who in the hell are you anyway?" All he could do was laugh. I don't know what was so funny, or punny rather, but he laughed pretty hard at this with cold, deep, booming laughter. He chuckled a bit, smiling at me. His grin sent a shock through my soul. "Son," he said, "you are in hell, and I'm Baal-Berith, prince of the fallen cherubim. I'm glad to finally meet you like this. I've awaited this a long time." He pointed down at something, and I turned, and looked to the ground, and there I was. I could see my own body, with every bone broken, mangled in the river.

 At this point everything stopped. I just stopped and looked and just couldn't think clearly about what was going on just now. What had just happened? How is this possible? No, I must be dreaming. I stopped dead, and listened. I heard a loud ringing, like when there's pain in the ears, but what I heard next made me realize what was truly going on. Or rather what I didn't hear: the sound of songbirds. I looked back at Baal-Berith without any emotion. "You can just call me Baal, son." He grinned at me and took his arm around me. Suddenly, things began to get darker. "Now son," he asked, "what is your name?"Again, I just paused, I couldn't remember my name. I wondered and thought hard but I just couldn't remember. I looked at him in confusion. He replied, "I know what you're thinking son. Let me explain. The name you are trying to remember was the name of your body on earth. That body is now dead, and along with it, that name. That name is material, like your body, but you are not a body. You are a small flame that was grown inside that body, and you have just been liberated from that cage so you can be with me." I began to lose my thoughts, I couldn't come up with words anymore,

I knew what I wanted to say but couldn't remember the words to say it. Somehow though, I still knew what I wanted to say, and somehow Baal still understood me. And so he told me just what I was wondering, "You jumped because I had seeded that thought in your mind. In fact, we had nice lengthy conversations while you were still alive, and you didn't even know I was there. You would wander in thought, or so you would think, but I was always there with you, chatting and keeping you entertained." So how long did this go on? What was I thinking of that was so interesting to Baal? "You would often come to these woods here, and sit in the trees, and let your thoughts wander. What you didn't notice was that most of those thoughts came from me, and we talked and talked (or rather thought and thought) all day long. You really had a lot of fun with me." So you tempted me to jump off that bridge? And he replied, "All I had to do was think about it loud enough for you to hear me, and you fell for it. Literally. Now we no longer have that material boundary between us, it is just you and I now."

 I don't know what made me so mad at this moment, but all I remember was the feeling of rage like never before. It didn't feel like it used to, it felt more like a vibration, or an energy. A really dark energy, resonating at a very inharmonious frequency. I felt cold now, everything around me was dark. I could smell sulphur and hear that ringing louder than before. I reached for my head, hoping it would be there, but then I realized, what am I even reaching with? I have no hands, no head, no body. I am now a soul, to live without a body. I can't remember my name, my language, I can't even remember what city I'm from. I am lost, afraid, with this strange devil at my side. As we drift through the darkness, I can see the eyes of other, smaller creatures, evil glares, piercing out of the darkness and into my soul. Their eyes glow like fire and sting like a wasp. I feel hollow, empty, and transparent. They look right through me, they hear my every thought.At that moment I lashed out at Baal, I lunged for him and tried to claw his eyes out. Or at least I tried. He just looked at me, at first with a bit of a smile, but he slowly dropped his smile into an empty, almost apathetic look. I tried to lunge again, but I was being held back. I could feel the claws of the smaller devils in me, holding me back, and dragging me down. The darkness pooled like thick water, black, stinking evil. Pure evil. I could hear the thoughts of some of these devils now, thoughts and memories of murder, of violence, of fighting, and of blasphemies. I tried to hold strong, but I felt overwhelmed. What was at first ten, one hundred devils on me was now tens of thousands and millions, clawing, screeching, and biting. If I could have cried, I would have cried the hardest of all men combined in the worst of times. I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't even cry, I was dead. But why

am I still alive? This wasn't meant to be! It didn't make sense! Those old church pamphlets were nothing but superstition and craziness...

 And at that moment, upon the thought of the church, and the Bible, the devils flinched. But they kept clawing and biting and raping my soul into this filthy sea of black filth and evil. So I thought again, harder and harder each time about the church. I was once inside that church, where people would pray to Jesus Christ. ...And at that moment, the devils screeched a loud painful terror. That name, Jesus Christ, seemed to scare them. If I could just remember how to pray, Jesus, art father in the clouds, thy name is hallowed...I just couldn't get it..Pray for us sinners, when we die, and in our lives, our daily bread of forgiveness...No that just wasn't it, but it was working. Something began to work, because inside that total darkness, that black evil mass of hatred and pain, a small light shone in me, like a dim candle. I prayed more and the flame grew and grew and grew..."Give us this day, our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us..."It was working! The light in me grew stronger! I could feel stronger, I stood up, surrounded by light, but this light was now not just coming from within me anymore. I looked up, into the brightness, which was so bright it dazzled me, and I fell over again.

 "Deliver us from evil!" The voice of a man shouted from the light. I looked again, the light burned my vision, I couldn't see. I needed time to adapt myself after being in this total darkness for so long."FOR THE KINGDOM THE POWER AND THE GLORY ARE THE LORD'S NOW AND FOREVER!"At that moment, a tremendous scream was heard all around, and I looked, and I saw Baal. He was on the ground, weakened, and in pain. I could see his hideous details in this light, his horns and four snouts, and the tail of a serpent. He had four faces and four wings, and stood on four hooves. He was huge, dark coloured, but powerless to this light. As I looked into the light, I saw the appearance of a man, strong and valiant, dressed in white garment. He stood over Baal with a sword which burned with the flames of fire, but gave off no smoke. Baal was blinded by this powerful light, burning from it's divine energy. I noticed the ringing had subsided, and I felt a calmness over me. I stood up, and walked over.The man in white turned to me with a warm smile, and I felt happy, so happy that I cried. I cried and cried, and his garment soaked up all my tears. I cried in his arms uncontrollably. How could this be happening to me? What did I ever do? I looked into his face, to see who had just saved me. Is he Jesus? Is he God?

 "I am Barnabas," he said, "one of the apostles of Jesus the Christ. We have heard your prayers and have come to

your aid."Why me? Why do you come to rescue me? Did I not sin when I jumped that bridge and entertained the likeness of devils?Barnabas replied, "You had asked for our help, and for the forgiveness of your sins. Young lad, what these devils did to you was the sin. You were a man on earth, how could you blame yourself? The world is a dark, confusing place, in a body of limits and ignorance. You only did what you could, you tried as you could, and the succession of fate had brought you to your place. Do not look to the past, my child, but look to the future. Come..." He extended his right arm to me, and I took his hand, and together we ascended. I felt truly happy now, at peace with myself. I no longer felt desires or impulses. I no longer felt scared or angry. I was cleansed of my sins and repented my actions.So there you have it, my journey through the valley of shadow and death. Upon my ascension I met another saint, Francis of Assisi, who happened to be the guardian of animals. I chose to look back to the earth, and help St. Francis watch over the wilderness in the forest: the birds and the squirrels, the foxes and the deer. I made particularly sure Baal-Berith wouldn't come around anymore. And he didn't. He is scared to death of me, and my power. As little as I am, I got some big friends now, and together we watch over the earth.

 Like the birds, I watch over the earth, and forever shall I sing the songs of praise:"Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord. Heaven and Earth are full of your glory!"