To the day you made me see.
#4 of If I could be your chew-toy: Based on a True Story.
***Stupid Disclaimer Thingy***
Everything you see here, came from my brain. The characters, the scenery, the situations... Everything. Any coincidences like character similarities, name usages, or scenes are utterly just that. Coincidence. Nobody likes getting ripped off.
Also, this story contains romance, love, and graphic interaction between members of the same sex. not your bag? I request you leave. Nobody likes hate-spam.
Otherwise Enjoy It^^
PS- Please forgive the choppiness in the lines... i don't exactly know how to fix it...
***
There was something I've always wanted to ask you...
I never really had the chance before, seeing as you were sort of on a whole ‘nother level.
Or maybe because I was just blinded by the light...
Your light.
Your fake fucking light...
"Do you think I need a therapist?" I said, doubled over in those uncomfortable plastic chairs they gave us in
the kitchen of our dorm room. Alex was force feeding me chocolate ice cream that had little marshmellows and frost stuck into it, all the while stroking my back and calling me retarded.
"No you don't need a therapist..." He sighed as if he'd answered that question fifty times already. Maybe he
had and I wasn't paying attention. All I knew was that my world felt like it was shifting to the point where I didn't want to live in it anymore.
Like the stuff I knew was melting in acid and all I could do was watch it while I ate this shitty-tasting ice
cream...
"This shouldn't be happening..." I sighed, trying to fight off another urge to scream. "I shouldn't care if this
whole thing didn't work out. I shouldn't feel this horrid just because..." And then I realized I couldn't say it out
loud.
*Just because he didn't feel the same way...*
"Just because what?" Alex asked me, sticking the spoon back in the carton before shoving another freezer
burned scoop into my muzzle.
"Nevermind..." I said with my mouth full, following up with an unplanned sigh that sent small frozen pellets
everywhere. "I think I need to go to bed now..."
"You sure?" Alex said. He rubbed my back again, telling me he was there, but for some reason there was
next to zero comfort in it. I guess it's because all I could think about was how torn I was... And how I didn't
understand why.
So I nodded and got up, feeling my legs to see if they could carry me the few feet it would take to land on my
unmade bed. And to think, just that morning, I was so willing to leave everything behind for someone who was
willing to break everything I had without knowing it...
Each step felt worthless, each stride felt unneeded. I had to face the fact that nothing felt like it used to now.
Everything's changed again, this time for the worse.
***
I didn't exactly know what I was thinking... Surely I couldn't have expected to get a second of sleep that night.
My imagination was bursting the limit I didn't think it had just trying to compute how I was supposed to function for the Monday ahead...
I rolled over for the bazillionth time that night, hoping that I would get into some sacred position that would align my body and tell it "Hey. Dumbass body! It's time to f-ing sleep! KAY?!". But that never came. Only night sweats and headaches filled the dark heat of my room as I tried my best to keep sight of the ceiling. But my vision kept vibrating as I tried my best to hold down whatever was left in my stomach.
And suddenly it all came spewing out. Heinous liquid poured from my muzzled in a vomit-fall of regret right onto the week-old clean sheets beside me. I felt unashamed of it all until the smell hit, a combination of stomach acid, freezer-burn, and heated new car smell. Maybe because I somehow miraculously made it to some "half-asleep" stage, but when it all rushed into my nose at once my stomach heaved out another puddle that splashed and spilled onto my blanket, running in with the first.
It suddenly occurred to me that my puke was running down the crevice of my side, cooling slowly as it
slurped its way through impressions of fur in my back. And as I felt it move, all I could muster was a shrug of
my shoulders and an attempt at a roll-over before my overhead light turned on.
"Holy shit..." Was all I heard before my vision blurred again. The outline of my best friend coming to my
rescue made my lips curl into a smile before the light and everything went out.
***
It was Monday, 11:00 in the morning. Life was a busy as usual and I awoke with the biggest boner I would
have ever thought I could wake up with... But what made it worse was the fact that I wasn't in my bed anymore.
And that I was naked...
My first class didn't start for another hour, but it still annoyed me that I slept in, cutting it this close.
And then the night before came rushing back, suddenly making me realize where I was.
I was curled up in Alex's blankets, laying in his bed. Naked...
My mind raced to try to remember, but all I could recall was the smell, and as I checked my fur for any crusty
remnants I pushed myself to think back that far.
But nothing.
I rose off the sheets, which were somewhat softer then mine, which annoyed me, and I opened the door to the kitchen. The cool linoleum kept the place frigid, making walking across it seem like a trek through Antarctica for your foot-paws. Luckily my room was basically 2 feet away and as I hopped I could feel my cock bobbing...
I twisted my doorknob, only to be assaulted with a smell that made me dry heave. Vomit smell always does
that to me, and I'm pretty sure if I hadn't emptied out my stomach last night I would have thrown another episode on the kitchen floor. Thankfully though, my sheets were taken, hopefully already in the process of de-pukeization.
"But how the hell..." I found myself saying out loud, pointing to my bed. "Did I get from there," and I looked
back to Alex's mess of sheets. "To thereâ€"" And before my brain put it together the front door opened behind
me.
Alex walked in listening to his iPod, barely giving me a glace before he grew a smile on that bat-face of his.
"Dreaming of me?" He said, bouncing his brows before putting his bag on the floor. He quickly shut the door
behind him with his foot and smiled. I looked down at my erection as a muffled "Hey!!" came from outside as
Lindsay pounded on the door. "Hush now, baby." He said. "Men are talking, kay?"
"That's it," She screamed as she slammed, what sounded like, her whole body against our door. "I'm cutting
your balls off. And making you eat them. Then I'm gonnaâ€""
Alex then opened it, giving Lindsay a glorious first-paw view of what I look like naked with a semi-hard-on,
standing there like a douchebag with my foot-paws burning of freezing. He gave a crack smile as her mouth
dropped open and shut the door in her face. Needless to say... She now understands what it means when "Men
are talking".
"How did you sleep?" He asked me as he walked over to open the door to my room. I braced for impact as
my ears fell to my head as he turned the door handle.
"What do you mean how did I sleep?!" I sarcastically asked him through clenched teeth as his nose wrinkled
of the stench.
"Looks like you were either pawing off just now, or you had a pre~tty nice dream about whats-his-face...?" He
gave a coy grin as he slammed my door.
"His NAME is Aiden," I retaliated with for some reason. "And for your informationâ€"" Suddenly the fact that I
was slightly aroused in front of my best friend disturbed me on some shallow level as I moved to cover myself.
Alex put up his wing. "It's nothing I haven't seen before," He said before going into his room and jumping on his bed. "You didn't seed anywhere on here did you?"
"No?!" I shouted. My mind felt like it was failing me. "I haven't done THAT in my sleep since like..." I thought
about it. "Grade 10! And WHATTAYA MEAN IT'S NOTHING YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE?!"
Alex whipped out his phone, and smirked as he texted. "Who do you think showered you last night? That puke was caked into your fur ya know?"
"Butâ€""
"Yes," He cut me off. "I even had to wash your business, so you better fucking thank me."
I blushed and felt my heart beat for a second. I never thought anyone would do that for me... "I... I don't know
what to say..." I stuttered as the front door burst open again.
Lindsay had one arm over her eyes, her other thrown out in front, and was walking unsteadily towards either
me or Alex's room shouting "I'm not looking Felix! Kay?! Just going toâ€" SHIT!" And on that final note she
slipped over Alex's bag he left in the kitchen and fell face down on the ice, like a hockey player checked for
good. "Alex!! I fell!"
"It's okay," I said, going to help her up. "I don't care if you look I guess... I mean you've alreadyâ€""
"What's that smell," She said, still covering her eyes. "Oh my godâ€"" She started gagging before I ran for cover in the bathroom. My clothes were thrown about from when Alex must have undressed me, still smothered in puke, and all I could do was smile. It smelt just as bad in there as it did in my room, but the aura of friendship made that seem okay for a few seconds.
***
"What a fucking douche!" Jenna screamed, almost throwing her Chai latte across our favorite Star Bucks. It wouldn't have been the first time, either, which sort of makes me wonder who's in more need: Me for therapy or Jenna for anger management.
"Yeah," I said, stirring bubbles into my hot chocolate. Cocoa was my safety drink when I was depressed, just
because it was the perfect price for melted chocolate mixed with milk. Cheap with a promised endorphin
release. My hero. "I don't exactly know... what I did..."
It bummed me out that I was depressed in front of Jenna. And it bummed me out that I was more
embarrassed about crying in front of her as apposed to a whole slew of fur at Star Bucks that night. Most of
which knew either me or her directly anyway, but that's besides the point.
"Okay," She said holding her paws out in front, looking me hard in the eye. "I want you to tell me EXACTLY
what happenedâ€""
"I've already told you what happened, okay?" I sort of snapped at her. Not on purpose, but her needing me to
tell her the story for what? The third time? It seemed absurd to me, not to mention the fact that every time I
thought about it a new piece of my heart broke off, settling in dust at the bottom of my feet.
"No need to get bitchy..." She scoffed. "I just want to make sure it's totally not your fault, that'sâ€""
"Wait a second," I stopped, feeling a lump of "OMGWTFGRRR" in my throat. "You want to repeat that...?"
"Well ya know," She chuckled a bit in between her words, which meant she was stalling for what to say. An
unexpected high ground I didn't expect to achieve which made me want to engage fully in this argument she
was about to bring up. "You sort of..."
The few seconds it took for her to realize there was no recover to that mistake felt like rainy-day-hours in the
pit of my stomach. Another glance and a crooked smile that landed dead in the middle of my brain showed it all to me.
"You expected this... Didn't you...?" I said, with more defense then I meant, but thinking back now, it was like
icing sugar on the cake of the moment. The look in her eyes gave it all away. A simple pathetic "Yes" trickled
out in glints and glares. She might as well have been crying out words onto paper. "...Howâ€""
"You can't expect to be surprised," She whispered more then spoke. "It's not like you've never fucked things
up before."
"Excuse me?" Was all I could come out with, and suddenly I realized I'd take Alex washing puke out of my
ball-fur over this any day...
"Oh come on Felix," She rolled her eyes, placing in chuckles here and there to make it seem like she found
the whole situation hysterical. "You always do this. You get all hyped up, show your feelings too soon, and then
BAM!" She banged her fist on the table. "You scare them away before you can land a kiss on them."
I was dumbfounded. Her I was, taking metal lashings from someone who apparently thought the whole thing
was my fault. And then... it sort of dawned on me.
*What if it is... my fault...?*
I sat there, going over the situation in my head over and over again, faster and faster then usual, picking out
every single detail that I must have fucked up on.
"Felix?" Jenna apparently hadn't expected her words to hit home. I hardly doubt it would have changed the
outcome of the conversation in the long run anyway, but when I came back into reality after what seemed like
only seconds of fast-forward and rewind, the clock on the wall had ticked a half hour away.
"I have to go," I suddenly said, sliding my arms through my sweater sleeves.
"What?" She looked like she just won the lottery, then lost the ticket. "Felix?" She put her paw on my arm,
trying to hold me there as long as she could. "Felix I didn'tâ€""
"Stop," I said, pulling away, trying my best to keep the tears from leaking. "I'm tired of listening to you talk." My
brain seemed to be functioning on autopilot, as if I had somewhere else to be.
"Felix!" Jenna pushed her chair out from under her as hard as she could, standing with an aura of rage that
guided her screaming behind me. "You NEED to hear me talk! You NEED to listen! He's TOXIC you know that!?
TOâ€""
Her mouth was still open when I turned around. I didn't know it, but my teeth where bare. An act I hadn't done
since my father took away my Gameboy for a month when I was nine. An act he had slapped so hard out of
me, that it almost hurt to do it again. But I couldn't help it. I couldn't even fathom how angry I was. Everything
seemed animated from that point on, slowly stopping and going again as they started to outline in black.
"Then I guess I'm in love with the Toxins..."
She didn't follow me after that. I could envision her standing there, watching me walk away. Looking for some
sort of sign, maybe a glance behind me, to show I wanted her to pursue me.
But this time I didn't. I really... really didn't.
She had shown my something that night. Something she was the last girl I'd expect to see it out of.
It was then, and then on, that I had begun to hate her.
***
"Yo, check your phone," Alex called to me, no doubt in his 360 world. The shouts of "God Damnit!" and "Fuck-
cakes!" could be heard as the round of fire ceased with an agonizing scream every time he lost a life.
Before I walked in my room I knocked on his door. "Can you turn it down..." It surprised me how hoarse my
voice was. "I think I'm just gonnaâ€""
"WHAT?!" He shouted over the noise.
"Can youâ€""
"I CAN'T HEAR YA, LIX!?" He cut me off again, which made me give up and pad into my cave.
The smell of puke had faded away, much to my relief, and a new set of sheets lay waiting for me. My cell lay
on the bedside table buzzing next to the opposite edge that I put it on.
I picked it up, flipped it open, only to find that I had 7 new messages. 2 from Alex saying he loved me, 3 from Jenna asking where I was and that she was going to be late, 1 from an automated message system asking me how my car insurance was, and one from a number I didn't recognize.
"Hey how'd ur date go?" I read it outloud. Then suddenly it hit me. "Nameless?"
I typed it in, hit send, then flopped on my bed.
"My heart hurts..." I sighed. Once again finding no comfort in stating the obvious.
I felt like such an idiot, playing with fire when I knew I would have gotten burned. I felt like such a fool for
thinking I could do what I absolutely knew was impossible. I felt like such an ass for putting myself through all of this, let alone my best friend and others behind me.
And above all... I felt helpless because of feeling all of these things. I wanted to be burned, I wanted to do the
impossible. That's what would have made it feel so great.
But that all meant nothing. I was in love with someone who couldn't even say goodbye to me with a smile
before I left... He didn't even care...
"He doesn't care..." I whispered. I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. It all came flooding out on my pillow
case, drenching my face in a stream of self-loathing and pity for not being able to function with something I
couldn't control.
It just spiraled around in my mind as my body writhed and convulsed, for some reason instinctively trying to keep some sort of force back. But it felt like crying wasn't enough. I tried to push it, but it hurt. Everything hurt. It hurt to talk, it hurt to think, it hurt to breathe. My heart was hurting with every beat and I felt like my limbs were falling off.
"Why... is... this... happening...?!" I tried to keep it as a whisper, but it came out as a scream, crushing my
skull under the weight of life.
Then like a flash flood, everything stopped.
It hit me like an assassin's blade, quick and painless, cutting an incision that seemingly let all my emotions out
swift and silent.
And suddenly, all I could feel was nothing. Like I had become a husk of my former self in 3 seconds of pain. A
shell. An inanimate object. A nobody.
"I don't feel alive..." I said, checking my chest. My heart was still beating and I waited for the urge to breathe,
and when it came my body went limp. "It shouldn't be this way... I can't do this anymore..."
I grabbed my cell phone and looked down my contacts list for Aiden's name. It was right where I left it, and
when I highlighted it and thought about pressing send, my mind went blank and my body froze.
Thoughts spun in my brain like another voice. "What is he going to say to me... Will he just hang up... How
can I ever say this to him..."
I then realized my body was actually rejecting the thought of contacting him. Like IT was even telling me "What
the fuck? Stay away dumbshit? You're hurting, can't you see that?"
And I agreed, but I felt like I at least owed him some common ground. Even if he knew, he was going to get
reassurance one way or another... Just in case he felt the same way...
And I decided the best way to convey that message... Is email.
When I opened my laptop and turned it on, I had never realized how utterly slow it was to boot up. I listened as
everything turned on inside it: the fan, the guts, the light bulbs, and when it finally took me to my log in screen
my fingers wouldn't stop shaking enough to put in my password.
So on my, literally, sixteenth attempt I got in, immediately clicking on the msn messenger icon.
The blue box popped up displaying that I already had 16 new emails to check, which I didn't exactly care for. I
was too preoccupied with the fact that as soon as I signed on someone was talking to me...
Aiden || says: Hey :)
I just looked at it for a second, doubting if what I was actually seeing was real.
Feel-Hex says: Hey?
Aiden || says: What's up?
Feel-Hex says: Nothing really...? You?
Aiden || says: Just sitting here. I had fun yesterday :D
"WHAT?!" I shouted at my computer screen. I wanted to throw the damn thing against the wall for playing a
prank like this on me...
Feel-Hex says: What? Really?
Aiden || says: Yeah it was great watching movies!
Feel-Hex says: I enjoyed it too.
"Maybe I was over reacting!" I shouted inside my head. "Everything IS okay! I... Don't exactly know what to
think here!" And I didn't. I mean, could this even be possible?
Aiden || says: He man I have a question to ask you.
Feel-Hex: Sure anything!
My heart had begun to race. Everything was starting to feel good again!
Aiden || says: You know that Jenna girl you hang around with?
Feel-Hex says: Yeah? Why?
Aiden || says: Could I have her email?
Feel-Hex says: Sure?
Aiden || says: Awesome! And could you do me a favour too?
Feel-Hex says: ...sure?
Aiden || says: Put in a good word for me or something cause you guys are close, ya know? I think she's the
hottest thing in this city...
Good feelings gone.
Commence self destruction in:
3
2
1
***
Summer vacation. It's a good thang. Which means writing for MixedUpPup. And folks. That's a happy mutt you have right thar.
But yes. As we can see life has spewn all up in Felix's face. What's a boy to do? Hold your breathe and FIND OUT =D
=Pup