Father's Day
Father's Day
-A grrside story-
Father's Day, 11:04 AM
"What the hell? Are you seriously suggesting that you don't want to refund me? I told you three times already! There's something terribly wrong about this skin lotion!"
"It's not that I don't want to..." Said Mr. Turk to the overweight vixen causing a racket at his shop. "It's just that our policies won't let me refund you for hygiene products once they are opened because-"
"Aren't you the owner of this locale? "Our policies" my ass! And how was I supposed to know that it was going to irritate my skin before opening it? And I've been applying this lotion for years and I've never had any sort of allergic reaction before, so don't even bother about bringing bullshit like that up, lizard!"
"Lizard"? Why did that woman had to resort to such a nasty word? Everybody who stepped into this shop knew what they were going to deal with in any case. It was right in the shop's name: "Turk's Imported Derived Products", so it was clear from the get-go that all the items sold here were cheap imitations...Whoops, I mean, completely reliable "substitutes" at a very competitive price.
"Enough with this shit! I'm going to sue your shitty shop until you're forced to close it down! You're going to shit your pants when you see the damages!"
The words of the enraged lady stopped making sense in Turk's head just when she mentioned the word "shit" for the first time. Actually, this Mediterranean house gecko had been suffering from a stomach ache for the last thirty minutes. But no matter how many toilet breaks he took, the pain never ceased...What could have caused it? He had barely eaten anything that morning...Oh! Except for the breakfast that his son had prepared with so much enthusiasm all night long just for him...
Father's Day, 7:46 AM
"Dear Dad:
I've been up all night making your breakfast. I wanted to give you a pleasant surprise, as today's Father's Day and I'm supposed to surprise mine with something or so I heard. So...Well...Everything's on the table. I'm very tired and I barely have enough strength to write this letter. I hope you excuse me for not being beside you to see the look on your face.
Your beloved son Joseph.
P.S. I overheard your conversation with my tutor. Don't worry about what that fucker said. You'll always be my father to me."
It was the third time Turk had read that letter. He almost cried the first time he read it. But then he found himself with the sight (and the smell) of that plate full of disgusting, slimy, beige-colored porridge. He bravely took a spoonful of the smelly slime, exploding a few air bubbles in the process.
What sort of ingredients had his son used to make this "dish"?...But after reading that note, he couldn't call himself a father if he didn't even try sipping a bit. So, holding his breath with his fingers, he put the spoonful of porridge inside his mouth...
"..."
And swallowed.
"Mmm...Not bad."
And before he realized, he had already finished the entire plate. Yes, it did smell horrible, but the slimy texture had an addicting salty taste. It was like licking the greasy fat of a piece of veal meat. Turk loved veal. He still remembers the first day he tried it for the first time. It was one of his most precious memories.
23 years ago, 9:28 PM
"Son, are you aware of how much difficulties you'll face later in life with an IQ below 75?" Said Turk's father with a serious expression on his face.
"What's an IQ? Is it tasty?"
"...Well, I'll just explain it to you once you're older and ready to face the facts. Oh, look! Your mother has prepared veal for dinner! You haven't tried it before, didn't you?"
3 days ago, 11:31 AM
"I'm very sorry you had to take your day off, Mr. Turk. I'm sure you're of a vital importance on your workplace."
Was that last bit a jab at him? You know, irony? No, surely not. In any case, Turk didn't mind taking a day off now and then. Joseph's teacher was a quite aged dog who couldn't see crap without his glasses. His clothes were quite aged as well, they looked like they had been taken straight out of one of those black-and-white movies...Well, what I mean is that they looked old-fashioned, not that they were grayscale. His suit was brown.
"I'd like to introduce you to someone" The old dog said.
And as if she was waiting behind the door to make her grand entrance, a young poodle entered the teacher's lounge. She was dressed in a white robe, the kind doctors wear.
"Good morning, Mr. Turk. I'm doctor Charles. Although looking at the clock, we almost could say good afternoon already, don't you think?"
"Ha, ha, ha!"
"Uh...Excuse me? Is it something I said?" The poodle was perplexed by the Mediterranean gecko's reaction.
"Oh, I thought you were trying to make a joke. It wasn't funny at all, but I laughed anyway so you wouldn't be embarrassed." Said Turk with a warm smile.
The doctor decided to ignore that dumb misunderstanding and sat beside Joseph's teacher.
"So...What were you going to tell me regarding Joseph? Has he failed any tests lately or something like that?"
The old dog answered his question. "Nothing like that, Mr. Turk. His son is very intelligent for his age. He's even smarter than you-...I mean...He's even smarter than any of his 19-year-old peers. He even seems to get bored pretty easily during class..."
"I used to get terribly bored at school as well when I was a little boy!" Mr. Turk chimed in. "I never understood anything the teachers were talking about and-"
"I think you got bored for the complete opposite reasons than your son's. Regardless, we don't have any problems with your son's academic performance. But it's a shame we can't say the same thing about your son's behaviour."
"My son's behaviour?"
This time it was the poodle who answered the gecko's question. "Not that we're implying he's always the culprit, but whatever there's a fight among the students, Joseph Turk is always involved in them somehow."
"Seriously? I had no idea at all!...Are you sure we're talking about the same gecko?"
"Haven't you noticed that your son always comes back home with his face full of bruises and lumps?" The teacher asked.
"I just supposed he constantly tripped or bumped into a lamppost. It used to happen to myself constantly when I was a little boy."
"And I don't doubt that." Stated the dog. "I've talked to your son personally in various occasions, but he negated these accusations every single time. According to him, he was just trying to create new friendships."
"That's great! Joseph's always talking about how awesome all of his friends are!"
"But even so, have you ever seen your son hanging out with any of all those "awesome friends"?"
"Well...Actually..."
"Your son seems to have a strongly anti social personality. This is why I'd like the school psychologist to have a talk with him."
"And who's that?"
The teacher pointed to the poodle, who waved and smiled.
"I thought she said she was a doctor, not a psychologist?"
"And because of that..." The dog said dodging the gecko's question. "We are legally required to have Joseph's guardian's written consent before our psychologist can have a chat with him."
"It won't be too long before your son has to go to college..." The poodle began.
"Ha, ha! Now that's a good joke! No way I can't afford Joseph going anywhere, not with the misery I make!" Turk interrupted.
"...What I meant to say is that your son needs to be prepared for his future. You wouldn't want Joseph's intellect going to waste in jail because he got involved in a bar brawl, don't you think?"
"Oh, don't worry about that. You don't need to talk to him. I'll take care of that personally, as his father..."
"Mr. Turk" the dog said calmly.
"What is it?"
"Maybe a man like you wouldn't understand, but your son needs to be examined by an expert. What's more, the simple fact that he doesn't his biological parents with him may be the cause of his attitude..."
"But Joseph has been living with me since he was a little boy, I don't think that would make any difference!...And what do you mean by "a man like you wouldn't understand"?! Are you implying I'm some fucking retard who can take care of his son?!"
The poodle tried to calm him down. "Mr. Turk, nobody is implying anything..."
"Well, then let me "imply" to you that this interview is over!" And the Mediterranean house gecko felt satisfied when he slammed the door closed when he left. He thought he saw a gecko's tail disappearing in the hallway, but probably that was just his imagination.
3 days ago, 1:13 PM
"Psst!"
Oh, no. Joseph Turk had something to say. He hated having to sit beside him on class. That boy was completely nuts.
"What does it mean when a father is not a biological one?"
"It means that his son isn't really his son, he's adopted."
Joseph didn't seem fully satisfied by that answer.
"Didn't you go to Sex Ed? It means that his son didn't came out from his father's testicles, you know!"
"Oh! It all makes sense now!" Exclaimed Joseph, and both him and his classmate were both expelled from class for 10 minutes for making so much noise.
2 days ago, 4:28 PM
"I just saw something very peculiar on TV..." Said a worried Joseph to his father. It was very strange to be him whom started the conversation, so it had to be something very serious.
"Don't worry about that news broadcast, son. I'm sure they'll eventually find that deranged serial kidnapper, however useless may the Snoutville's police forces may be.
"It's not about that. The news bore me. I was watching cartoons. The case is that today's episode's moral was "There's no better friendship than your own family". Isn't that outrageous?"
"Well that isn't exactly false. Even though we are bound by blood, I can be the best friend you can have."
"I see..." Said Joseph, deep in thought. "There's so much things in life I did not know about...I have lots of philosophical stuff I have to meditate about...I'm going into my room."
Joseph left the room without showing a hint of emotion on his face.
"Hahaha! The boy sure loves his cartoons!" Turk thought to himself. "And he's so freakin' funny when he says weird words like "philosophical"!"
Father's Day, 11:39 PM
"Arggggh!...Ugh!"
The cramps were getting worse. Turk wasn't too fond of leaving the seventeen-year-old lizard who worked part-time cleaning the hallways in charge of the shop, but he couldn't attend to the customers in his current condition. He'd rather let Joseph take charge, but when he phoned home nobody answered and he promptly remembered that his son must still be at school at this time.
"I'm an idiot, just like everyone says."
Right now Turk's huge body was locked in the small restroom in the back of the store. Mediterranean geckos aren't that tall, but Turk would've loved to exchange some of his weight for his height.
*PUM* *PUM* *PUM*
"Who...Ugh...Is it?" Turk asked with his pants on the floor.
"Mister Turk...A client asked for some dissolvent but the box where it should be it's completely empty..." The teenage lizard's high-pitched voice said.
Turk didn't share any kind of hobby with his son. It was sad to think that eight years after his adoption the fat gecko still haven't managed to really 'connect' with his son. But when Turk's Imported Derived Products opened, just when Joseph was turning 13, a wonderful thing happened. Little Joseph was playing around with some of the merchandise of doubtful quality from the shop and when he mixed up two extremely inflammable cleaning chemicals together he managed to create a small replica of a volcano.
"Wow, you'll be a great scientist when you grow up!" Said his proud father. "You'll be first place in all the science fairs!"
Little Joseph just stared intensely at his father with those adorable blood-colored eyes and, for the first time since he had been adopted, laughed out loud. It was the first time Turk had seen him smile. The red gecko always let his son take away whatever derived products he wanted from the warehouse since then just to help him with his 'scientific experiments'...And to help him smile.
Mysteriously, the pet of one of the customers disappeared the same day Joseph created that melting volcano, but that minor setback didn't ruin Turk's most amazing day of his life.
"Must've been some mix up from the delivery guys, don't worry about that...Ugh!..." Turk lied.
"Are you feeling alright, sir?"
"Yes, of course...It's just some cramps...Nothing to worry about..."
Father's Day, 12:24 PM
Those cramps were starting to worry the fat gecko. Turk had been sitting on the toilet for nearly an hour and he still hadn't managed to 'discharge' anything. His bladder was bursting, but even so, not a single droplet had escaped the tip of his penis...Oh, god...What if this is one of those things you need checked out by an urologist? No way, he was 31 years old, he wasn't an old fart just yet...
Turk's testicles swelled up painfully just at that moment. It was a really strange sensation. It felt like the urine stored in Turk's bursting bladder had ran out from space so the exceeding urine was filling his testicles...Was his body even able to do that? That strange indigestion was touching his balls in an inappropriate way. It was unfair! Not even Turk himself had touched his own genitals in that manner. As his loving father used to say...
22 years ago, 3:56 PM
"Stop touching yourself down there, you retard!"
Father's Day, 12:27 PM
...However that indigestion had never had a loving father to tell it not to touch a retard's reproductive organs. So the indigestion decided to tear apart the contents of both of the fat gecko's testicle. How disrespectful.
...Okay, looks like that's enough reason to pay a visit to the urologist. But how could he go to a doctor when he could barely stand up? Wait, the only thing urologist do is to shove their fingers up your ass, right? A comedy sketch he saw on the TV explained that in one of their gags. It doesn't sound that complicated, even an idiot like him could do it. Turk realized that he was starting to sweat profusely because of the pain on his balls. What a bummer, if the pain wasn't enough now his clothes were getting dirty. He'd better take off his shirt as well or else he'd have to do laundry when he got home just because he didn't remember to get completely naked before inserting his fat red finger inside his anus. Even after he took all of his clothes off he still felt strangely hot inside the small bathroom, it was like he had a fever. What's more, just looking at his red fat finger and thinking about how it was going on an expedition inside his anal cavity he got a hard-on. Weird.
Anyway, without giving it much further thought Turk shoved his index finger inside his ass.
...
Nothing.
Maybe he needed to shoved it further?...
Mmm...
Wow! Turk would've never guessed anuses could go so deep!
It tickled. But the gecko didn't know what this had to do with the pain on his testicles.
Maybe he should shove it even further? Or maybe try it with two fingers? Wouldn't that be too much?
Suddenly the indigestion grabbed Turk by the balls.
"Okay, okay! I won't touch myself anymore! I'm so sorry, sir!"
Sir Indigestion seemed content with this answer. However the liquid pissed inside of Turk's testicles before returning to his bladder. Wow, looks like this Indigestion guy was someone you'd rather not get on its bad side...Wait, can indigestions even pee?...Damn, the gecko's pain was getting more and more intense, he was sweating all over and it was getting harder and harder to think.
It must've been Indigestion guy. The bastard had traveled up into his brain and took a dump on his brain. The nerve of that guy! Who's going to clean up the messes it was leaving on his brain? It was really hard to reach with your finger! Turk used to shove his finger up his nose a lot when he was young. They even had to take him to the doctor because he wouldn't stop bleeding from his nose. Little Turk was disgusted by the blood that spilled on his face. But when he tasted it with his tongue it tasted sweet. Turk used to eat lots of sweets when he was young. They even had to take him to the doctor because his stomachaches wouldn't stop. Turk was disgusted by stomachaches because..
"Stomachaches is one of the most common symptoms of a bad digestion."
Exactly. That was the problem, his digestion. There was no time to go on endless loops of flashbacks. At last one of his thoughts had made perfect sense. Logical thinking sure is appreciated sometimes. However, Turk had already thought a lot of ideas. He had even inserted his finger up his rectum.
"Shit, you're a real retard after all. Do I have to explain every single fucking thing to you?"
"Well, a little help would come in handy right now" Turk answered to the voice inside his head.
"Think harder, shit-for-brains. If the indigestion is inside your bladder, haven't you been looking at this problem from the wrong angle all this time? Stop trying to take a dump already, I'm getting bored inside here. I'll wait for you down here." And this weird sentient indigestion thingy came back down to Turk's bladder and testicles.
Turk's headaches had dissipated so he could think clearly now, and what he had to do next was obvious.
***
Joseph Turk had always been a gecko with a simple and humble goal: to be happy. But obviously that presents us with a logical question. If Joseph Turk wants Joseph Turk to be happy, doesn't that make him a selfish bastard? Joseph would've never be happy if he knew he lived like a selfish person.
And if Joseph Turk isn't happy being selfish, what could he do in order to be happy? The answer is obvious: he simply needed not to be selfish. However that's where things get complicated. In order to consider yourself a non-selfish person you need to meet a number of requirements, but it can be all summed down in that you need to think of the happiness of others before yours. However, as Joseph found out later on, thinking of their happiness isn't enough: you have to prove it with actions. Joseph needed all of his childhood to take notice of this fact. So, in his teenage years, he redeemed himself by kindly accepting to help anyone in need. And everything worked out perfectly...At first. That time someone needed his help to punch another guy in the face may had been the reason he didn't look as kind to everyone else as he thought. It turns out nothing in life is simple and doing kind favors to the wrong people can mean trouble later on. But then, how do you know which people you need to be kind to? There's no way. You're fucked. But Joseph made an amazing discovery while he read one of his books. Don't tell anyone, but there's a strange power called "Friendship". What is "Friendship"?
Well, it's no wonder you've never heard of it, as it's invisible. A Friendship is created when two people reach a specific level of mutual understanding. Old legends say that, when you create a True Friendship with someone, you'll both achieve happiness. Just what Joseph Turk wanted! What a coincidence! But turns out that the power of Friendship is also very scary, as it can be used as a weapon by selfish people. In this called it's called False Friendship. And this two types of Friendship can be very hard to distinguish at the start, even for Joseph. But it's easy to figure out if a Friendship is True or False if you use a little trick: if a Friendship breaks at the first setback that happens to both of you, then it's a False Friendship.
And after all that happened to Joseph Turk in the past, he isn't going to waste his valuable time creating False Friendships.
So he started perfecting his Friendship-making technique. In the first step, he observes his candidates in silence, discarding everyone who doesn't meet the proper requirements to be able to make a True Friendship. Then, when he's finished selecting his targets, it's all a matter of catching them off-guard and 'testing' them. If after this process the candidate's still open to being his friend, then this person could create a True Friendship with Joseph.
Obviously not a single candidate has finished this trials successfully, but at least it's fun to see the expressions of pure terror and agony they show whilst the gecko tests those sons of a bitch.
Father's Day, 12:56 PM
Pissing turned out to be harder than he thought, but after a short while a beige-colored concoction started to drop from Turk's urethra. It was this morning's lunch! It barely had been digested, what's more, it looked more solid than before. It took awhile, but after a few minutes he had managed to take out twenty centimeters out of that disgusting slime out of his body. It was kinda yucky how the thing hanged out from the tip of his penis, but his bladder felt so relieved! Turk grabbed the slime and pulled to accelerate the process...But it seemed like the slime wasn't too happy with that, as it slapped the hand of the guy who was giving birth to it.
"What the hell...?"
The next segment was huge bump. Turk couldn't contain his cries of pain.
"Ahhh...Puff...Fresh air. I could barely breathe in there." Said his son's voice.
"Joseph?!"
The bump that his organ had just expelled was shaped like a mouth and, judging by its voice, it was no doubt the mouth of his own son.
"You still hadn't realized it? It was so fucking obvious...Just shut up and keep pushing."
It took a lot of effort, but Turk managed to give birth to the rest of his son's head and his right arm.
"I don't know what's wrong...I'm still squeezing my bladder but nothing's coming out from it..."
"There must be some 'me' left on your testicles...Well, if you can still consider them that..."
Turk looked at his swollen balls.
"Umm...How am I supposed to empty my...Wait, what do you mean by 'if you can still consider them that'...?"
"You're a lost cause, do I really need to do everything myself?...Whatever..."
Joseph used his only available arm to squeeze his foster father's right testicle.
"Arghhh!...Uh? Strange, it doesn't hurt...In fact, it feels kind of nice..."
"Of course doofus. I was quite squashed inside your bladder, so I stored some of my other body parts inside your testicles. Not before reshaping them to my liking and getting rid of all of your useless sperm, of course."
Turk wasn't quite understanding everything he was hearing. "Reshaping them?"
"In other words, your balls are just highly malleable empty shells. They're perfect for storing lots of stuff, so if someday we need...Uh...I don't know, someplace to store the ketchup packets we steal from the fast food restaurant, we can just spill their contents in there." Said Joseph squeezing his father's empty ball. "Good, my other arm has come out as well, this will speed things up."
"But...Joseph...Why?....Why did you do all this?"
"I found out that apparently you're not my real father because I didn't come out from your testicles. Well, that isn't the case anymore. Happy Father's Day, dad. Now shut up, I want my legs back."
It was the most beautiful thing nobody had ever done for Turk. He couldn't stop the tears from flowing as his now completely legitimate son was squeezing his other testicle.
"I feel so happy! Thank you...Uh...Son?..Ah...Ahh...AHHHHH!" Turk noticed a strange ticklish feeling rushing all over his body as the rest of his son's body came out from his genitals. His first orgasm, and it had been all thanks to good ol' Joseph.
"That felt great! I'll squeeze my balls every single day!"
"Actually...Now that your balls are empty, you can forget about eyaculating for the rest of your life." Said Joseph coldly. "But if you want I can fill your balls up with any shit we find anywhere so you can squeeze them out again, you're my friend after all."
"Your...friend?"
"Of course. Family is a truly eternal bond...A True Friendship...However...To tell you the truth, I have been thinking while I was traveling inside your body and...I think that a permanent Friendship can't ever be a True Friendship, as you can't truly trial your bonds."
"I have no idea what you're talking about, but if that makes you happy, I'll help you find that True Friendship you care so much for, whatever it takes."
Joseph couldn't restrain himself from laughing. He couldn't tell if his father's newfound obedience towards him was genuine or because of the dump he had taken on his brain. But one thing was for sure: he had a friend. He felt...happy.
Now that all of his body parts had been properly 'birthed' the nude Mediterranean house gecko hugged his father's corpulent body. In that instant, there was an intimate connection between both sweating and naked geckos. Nothing could have ruined that moment.
"By the way, dad. You have to cleanup the restroom. It looks like shit after all the bodily fluids you've expulsed as you gave birth to me."
THE END