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Addiction

Chapter Twenty-seven

Lies

By

Rufus Quentin

May 16 through 19, 1999

Eighteen and a half years is not enough time to give you perspective on things. You think you're a master because you're the oldest of your friends, because you just about scored a high school diploma, because you're going to college, but then you learn that that's all really nothing. You're a pup; inexperienced. Back then calling my brother Nate to tell him I "think" I might be pregnant was the hardest thing I'd ever done. It certainly still ranks up there, but the consequential events quickly dethroned it. I picked up the phone, dialed the number, heard Chloe's voice and asked for Nate. A half hour later it was done. I sat in the breakfast nook of our kitchen. Tears stained my fur. The truth was finally out. Dustin sat across from me, holding my paws. He'd witnessed the whole thing and heard me lie about the parentage of his pup. I felt scared. I'd been running. I needed to stop. The phone call was the first step.

I felt like shit. Nate was already on his way to West Virginia, leaving his pregnant wife and making the six hour drive into the middle of nowhere on my behalf. I had a few hours of limbo left. I spent them sitting on the living room couch, cuddled beside my mate Dustin, feeling as though I'd been run through with a bayonet. I felt nausea that put the morning sickness to shame. Dustin tried to console me, but there was really nothing he could do. We spent those hours together mostly silent, too petrified to do anything but hold one another.

It was getting dark by the time we heard a car crush out driveway's gravel. That's when we needed to let each other go. I looked at Dustin as he stood and helped me too my feet. He looked at me. I could see fear in his eyes, an emotion I seldom saw him harbor. "I'll be fine," I said, trying to be the brave one.

"This needed to happen," he said, caressing my cheek.

"I know," I replied.

"I'll be here," he said.

"Go upstairs. Stay out of this."

"I will. But I want you to know..."

"I already know. Now scat."

"Fuck, I love you," he said.

"Shush."

Dustin reached out to caress my flanks. His paw swept over my distended belly. His head tilted, demanding a final kiss. I indulged him with a short peck on the lips. "Let me know everything," he said. "Tell me about what happens. With Nate and at the doctors. I'm dying here."

"I will," I said and let Dustin slip away. He was out of sight in the nick of time. I'd just barely made it to our foyer when Nate knocked. I took a deep breath and let him in. I closed my eyes and let my world change.

"Holy fuck, sis," Nate said as a greeting. He stood in the doorway with a duffel bag under one arm and a thin plastic bag in his other paw. Nate towered over me. He was taller than Dustin and even had a few inches over our father. I felt like the perpetual cub in his shadow.

"Hi Nate," I said, trying but failing to muster courage. I let myself be gawked with backswept ears, feeling even more diminutive with my overt pregnancy. My paws crossed over my belly. The shame crushed me as if the atmosphere around me had suddenly become as dense as the ocean at the bottom of the Marianas Trench.

"Sis," Nate said. "There's no 'think' about it. I don't have to be a doctor to tell you you're knocked up."

My oldest brother invited himself in, sighing as he walked past me. He dropped his duffel bag at the foot of the stairs. "It looks like you won't need these," he said, handing me the plastic bag. I looked in and saw a box of pregnancy tests along with a receipt.

I wasn't aware of it, but the waterworks had started again. My cheeks burned as fresh hot tears rolled down. A short sniffle became my only reply.

"Hey," Nate said, his voice growing softer. My brother walked up and his paw nudged up my muzzle. His thumb attempted to sweep away the tears. "Since when have you started doing this?" He asked. "Not like you."

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice shuddering.

"Shhh," he said. "We'll figure this out, okay? I'm not mad. How are you feeling? Okay?"

"I'm fine," I said, reaching deep into myself for whatever tendrils of my former defiant and rebellious self remained.

"Getting morning sickness?"

"Not anymore."

"Figures. You look like you're a bit too far along for that," he said. "You did the right thing in telling me first."

"I'm sorry," I said. "You have no idea how hard it was."

"Yea, I don't. I've just been on the sidelines. I just watched Chloe go through the same. It's no fun, even as just a spectator. Was it bad for you too?"

I nodded.

"How are you emotionally?"

"A wreck," I said.

"Sis, you should have let me know sooner. There is so much we could have done for you."

I felt another wave of emotional overload bare down on me. This time I swallowed back the tears and did my best to weather it, but not without shuddering. "I just didn't know what to do."

"Have you been to a doctor?"

"Not yet."

"Come on Alex, you know better than to wait something like this out."

"I don't want to go to Doctor Hutchinson."

"Oh god, him. Yea. I don't blame you. Forget him. I have a contact up in Huntington. A Doctor Conway. He's OBGYN. We went to grad school together, though he finished way before me. I'll call him. See if he can fit you in ASAP."

"I'm scared," I confessed, eyes averted, not daring to tell my oldest brother that the pup I carried was the product of incest. I was afraid of everything the ultrasound threatened to uncover. Defects and deformities haunted my nightmares. In my ignorance I believed them a certainty.

"I know," Nate said. "Now come sit down. I'll get you some tea or some shit. I'll make a few calls. Then we can talk about it. Tell me everything, or tell me what you want to tell me." Nate pulled me into a hug, and then left for the kitchen. "Do we even have any tea?" He asked from around the corner after I heard a few cupboards open and close.

"Top left, two over from the fridge," I shouted. So that was it. It was out. I felt like collapsing, like sinking to the ground but I stood tall. Nate was the one who took over for my mother. He had the spirit of a caretaker in him and suddenly I felt safe. Before I moved I looked up the stairs. I saw a shadow on the top landing. Dustin had been watching the entire time.

Nate and I talked until late into the night. Nate can be rather authoritarian. He has a temper on him too, and I've seen him flip out about small shit, but he's good at heart. Luckily those parental qualities came into practice that night. Apparently I fucked up so bad that it was beyond anger, beyond harsh words and punishment to deal with. We talked about school and about how I was feeling. We couldn't avoid the elephant in the room. Things eventually moved to how I met the father of my cub.

I stuck to my lie, but borrowed from the truth. I told Nate that the father was some guy from Michigan visiting family that I met after a football game. It was also the first time I'd had moonshine and Mountain Dew. I wasn't blackout drunk but also had no idea of what my limits were. In the end we had what was a very awkward situation in the back of his dad's SUV that wasn't worth the little time it lasted, nor the scare of the broken condom. Neither of us were emotionally prepared to deal with it. I was too afraid to tell anyone because of the drinking, but then of course this catastrophe took top rung of a stupid night. Even more reason not to tell dad.

I wasn't sure if Nate bought the story or not, but I tried to make it as vague as possible with some probably too well rehearsed responses. Nate kept me talking and I kept lying, but my story was consistent enough, mulled over through many dozen nights. In the long run none of it mattered. The future became the topic that dominated the evening. Nate quickly poked holes into my schematic plan. By the end of the night the little house of cards that Dustin and I painstakingly assembled out of the fragments left by the news of my pregnancy once again collapsed in on itself, but sometimes things need to be torn down for more lasting structures to be set up.

Nate called into school for me on Monday morning. We had a noon appointment with his acquaintance, the OBGYN doctor. I packed lunch for Dustin and sent him off to school. We couldn't talk much with Nate around, but the looks we gave each other spoke volumes. It was as if we had an entire conversation there in front of Nate. I knew Dustin was worried about me. He was wishing me well. He told me he was worried about me and that I should sit down with him and debrief at the first opportunity. Most importantly, he told me he loved me as I escorted him to the door. I would need to be certain of his love that day. It would be more difficult than the last.

I found myself in a patient room at the outpatient clinic his friend worked at in Huntington. I wore one of those hospital gowns, the ones that cover you up while still making you feel as naked as possible. I sat, eyeing the room's gynecological chair with the stirrups the nurse had instructed me to use. To me it seemed like something out of some BDSM porn fantasy. Needless to say I hated hospitals, doctors, BDSM: All that shit was the same to me. They'd drawn blood from me, which was bad enough. I felt green as fuck and my anxiety made it worse. What if they found something? What if there was something wrong with my pup? What if they somehow figured out the parentage?

After an interminable wait in which every passing minute fueled my fantasies of the worst case scenario, this cervine obstetrician entered the room. He was tall, even taller than Nate. His proud sixteen points nearly scraped the doorframe. I was already on the verge of panic or passing out, whichever got me first. Luckily this doctor didn't seem to fit my expectations of how normal doctors tend to act. He was polite, referring to me at first as Mrs., before I corrected him. The first thing he did was pull out the results of my blood tests. It confirmed, as if I needed confirmation, that I was a mother to be. The doctor treated me like an adult, and congratulated me on my blessing. He seemed surprised when I told him the cub was unexpected and told me he lost count of patients he had that were younger than me. Sixteen and fourteen were common. He'd even had a twelve year old who gave birth at thirteen. You see a lot, he said, when you deliver hundreds of children a year. Not all of it is as easy as an intelligent, young adult, college bound woman, he said.

None of that assuaged my concerns. Only after the technicians wheeled in the ultrasound and began to scope my belly, could I get any peace of mind. Watching the gray swirl on the screen, I was reminded of the photo album Dustin and I found back in September, the one with all the pictures of Nate, Danny, and Brandon. I remember the only appearance of my brother and I, the grayscale ultrasound at the back. I felt small witnessing the first stirrings of the life inside me on the screen, a mere eighteen years after I'd been that unrecognizable image on screen huddled beside the one I now called my life mate.

"Is there anything wrong with it?" I asked the technician.

The equine technician simply hummed and continued her work. "Heartbeat," she said, "head, arms, legs, oh and do you want to know the gender?" She continued. "You're far enough along, it seems."

I nodded.

"Looks like you're gonna have a boy," she smiled. "And yes, it's all developing normally on the outside. No cause for alarm."

Only then did I close my eyes and take a deeply needed sigh of relief. I cared for him. I really did. I wanted him to be all right with all of my heart. Time would tell, the technician said to me, but first glance gave me hope. Unfortunately since so much time had passed, it ruled out the possibility of "taking care of it," an idea I was never particularly keen on. It still set in stone what I had ahead of me. The doctor gave me vitamins, a number of pamphlets and a due date. I may not start school on time, but it would be close enough for me not to miss too much. I hugged my brother Nate, who met me in the waiting room and told him he would be the uncle of a boy.

"Do you want to know?" I asked Dustin after he came home from work. We were standing in the garage, away from Nate, seeking out a moment of privacy. We whispered, though there was nothing wrong about a brother and sister talking. We still didn't want to be overheard.

"Tell me," Dustin said, pulling a number of gun parts scheduled for cleaning out of his backpack. His ears perked my direction.

"It's a boy," I said.

Dustin smiled. "Alright."

"I knew you wanted a boy," I said more mouthing the words than speaking.

"I'd be cool either way. I'd like a girl, but I'd prefer her to be a fierce heavy metal warrior goddess like you," he said, "but yea, I'm happy it's a boy."

"Fierce heavy metal warrior goddess?" I asked, my skepticism apparent in every feature and tone of voice.

"That's how I see you." He said, lips curling into a smile.

"Really? The kind with the skimpy less-than-functional armor?"

"Fuck yea."

"Okay, I don't know whether to slap you for sexualizing me in a weird way that plays into questionable fantasies of me, I don't know, humping orcs, or whether to twist your arm around your back, drag you to the bathroom, and give you a swirly for being a nerd."

"See, classic heavy metal warrior goddess behavior," he said.

I immediately began to grab my brother. He tried to put up some resistance, but either out of willingness, or general caution, he let me pin him to the nearest wall. "Fucker," I whispered into his back-swept ear.

"Hot," he said, clearly enjoying my roughness too much.

I let him go. "Perv," I said, slightly disgusted in myself.

"Is it healthy?" Dustin asked, turning back around and rubbing his wrists.

I nodded. "They seem to think so, at least that's what the ultrasound shows. I'll get the blood test results soon, and then there are routine screening tests down the road."

"When do we know for sure?"

"Probably won't know about developmental issues until after they're born. At least he's got all his parts, and no trisomy."

Dustin nodded. "And how are you."

"Fine," I said. "Tired."

"When are you gonna tell dad?"

"Soon," I said. "Nate's making me. Either I do, or he will, and you know what's always the best policy."

"I'll be there, if you want me to."

"It's best you stay in the shadows, for now."

"Fuck, I hate this shit."

"What?"

"Not doing my job."

"Just wait it out Dusty."

"No choice," he said. He paused and walked over to me. We hugged briefly in the garage, ears perked to perceive any sounds in the house. Dustin kissed me. I let him, but made it a quick superficial one.

"I love you," he said, gazing down my muzzle.

"I love you too," I replied and smiled.

Then I was away.

"I think I know someone you can talk to," said Nate, "can you come down to the kitchen?"

I wordlessly followed my oldest brother down stairs. I'd assumed we had company, and I more than dreaded parading around in front of someone pregnant, even if it was someone we trusted. Thankfully the kitchen was empty. I saw the phone off the hook on the breakfast nook table. Nate gestured I should pick it up. I sighed deep, and picked it up, expecting my father's stern voice on the other end. No, a female voice replied to my "Hi."

"This Alex?" Said Chloe on the other end. I'd barely talked to her since Christmas, but it felt good to hear her again.

"Yea, it's me," I said.

"How you feeling?" She asked.

"Fine now. Peace of mind I guess. So you know?"

"Of course. Nate told me before he left."

I sighed.

"Nothing to be ashamed of," she said and chuckled. "Oh god, I really feel sorry for you though. To think, nothing but guys around. It must be awful. They try, bless their hearts, but they're clueless."

"Yea, it's kind of rough," I said, sitting down at the breakfast table.

"I wish I could have come, but I need to get the hours in before I start maternity leave."

"How are you coming along?" I asked.

"Just fine, all things considered. It's not that bad just yet. I'm only in my fifth month, I know things will get worse."

"Me too," I said.

"Nate told me. We must have conceived around the same time. Looks like we're in a race to make your dad a grandpa, right?"

I half-heartedly chucked.

"It's not so bad," she told me.

"That's what I hear everyone telling me," I said.

"Have you told your dad yet?"

"No. Nate wants me to. Soon."

"Have you figured out what you're gonna say?"

"I haven't the slightest clue," I said.

"I like your dad," she said. "Don't talk as much as I should, but I've always gotten the vibe that he's a pretty deep guy. He's a gentle giant. Nate seems to admire him. All the stories I heard about him were pretty positive."

"I guess that's true. Never hit any of us, even when we deserved it. We were such assholes, especially Dustin and I." I said and felt like I gave away too much.

"Go on," Chloe said.

I sighed. "He has this way of really turning it around on you. He kind of knows something is wrong just by looking at you, like ESP or something. Then it doesn't matter what you did, whatever happened, it's like you hurt him directly. I could have gotten into a fight at school, or given one of my brothers a bloody nose, but as soon as he hears about it, he acts as if he's the one that got punched. Then it's just cold shoulder treatment until you apologize, and even then it's damage control until the next time."

"It sounds like you really admire him," she said.

"I do."

"My dad was like that too. This one time, I think I was 17, I was out drinking with friends and got into a car I shouldn't have. My friend was driving, too drunk of course. Plowed into a stop sign. None of us were hurt, and we all made it home. Somehow what happened made it to the great parental conspiracy including my dad. No shouting. No grounding. Just disappointment. I felt like I was in the doghouse for months after that. I learned my lesson, but it hurt. Made me really terrified of him."

"God I'm afraid. This is the worst thing I've ever done."

"No it's not," she said.

"How so?"

"You've got a life inside you. That's good. You're giving him a grand-kid. You know the gender yet?"

"Boy," I said. "Just learned today."

"Me too, but don't tell Nate that. I cheated and had the doc tell me. He wants it to be a surprise."

I chuckled. "Of course," I said.

"Let's take stock. You're grown up. You're done with high school. You got a head on your shoulders and you have us."

"What about college?" I asked.

"I think you should go. Chapel Hill is a great school. I think you'll learn to fly there."

"What about the pup?"

"That's up to you. You keeping or adopting?"

"I donno," I said, "Instincts tell me to keep, but..."

"Adoption is always an option," she said. "And if not, you can always defer enrollment for a year or two, until you're ready."

"I donno if I can bring myself to it."

"Well, if you keep it, I'm sure you're gonna be a good mother."

"How would you know? I haven't the slightest clue of what I'm doing."

"Well, you have an instinct. That's a start."

"I'm scared."

"I know," she said. "I am too."

"But you're ready for this."

Chloe started laughing. "Says who? This is my first too. I'm fucking terrified."

"I figured you wanted this?"

"Of course I do. Doesn't mean I can't be afraid. Doesn't mean I can't admit it. I'm gonna need help. Luckily I have Nate and you have us. You also have your dad."

"It's gonna be hard," I said.

"That's life. Lesson number one about life after high school: everything's hard. Which brings us to lesson number one about being a mother: whatever it is, it needs to be done. Sometimes the hardest things in life are the things most worth doing. I'm assuming you know that already."

"How'd you learn all these things?" I asked.

"My mom. That was the first thing she told me when I told her I was expecting. Got a long shtick about when the going gets tough and tough getting going. That's also how I know you know this, but you didn't have the luxury of knowing yours. You're tough as nails, Alex."

Two fresh tears coursed down on either side of my muzzle. I didn't sob or shudder. I just felt the warmth peel down.

"You okay?" Chloe asked a moment later.

"Yea," I said. "I'll be fine."

"If I were you," Chloe said, "I wouldn't "tell" your dad. I'd start off by asking him for help."

"I understand," I said.

"He's a teddy bear. He'll come running to the rescue."

I jerked with a chuckled mixed with a shudder. My vision blurred the kitchen away. "Thanks," I said composing myself. I wiped my eyes dry on the fur on the back of my paw.

"Oh, and one more thing. Nate and I have been talking. After you walk, we want you to come live with us in Charlotte."

"What?" I asked.

"Let's face it. You're not living in a part of the country known for world class health care. It's ludicrous that you have to drive an hour just to get to the hospital, and then the care is iffy. Nate and I agree. We have a guest room. I've already talked to my doctor. He'll take you on too. Come live with us until you give birth and find your footing."

"Wow," I said, unsure of how to reply.

"It's for the best."

"Okay," I said a moment later. It was the best plan I'd heard yet, but still had to sink in that I would actually be getting my wish and leaving. "What about Dustin?" I said a moment later, flinching at my stupidity.

"Your twin right?"

"Yea, He's been really helpful lately." I said, backtracking. "Ever since this happened, he's been the only one I can talk to. I've helped him get his act together. He's working for this pawn shop and I'm afraid he's gonna get stuck here if he doesn't leave."

"Yea, I heard he got into technical college. I'll keep talking with Nate. I'm sure he'll agree."

"Thanks," I said. "For everything."

"It's too early to thank me. I haven't done anything yet. Chin up, girl. We'll see this through. Can I talk to Nate again?"

"Sure," I said, removing the receiver away from my burning ear. I saw my brother Nate peeking around the corner. He took over for me as I walked away. I quietly excused myself and made my way up to my room. I'd been given quite a bit of new material to think about. I currently caught up on my homework for the missed day, or at least I tried. Most of what I accomplished resembled written formulations of what my sister-in-law advised me to say. "Talked to Chloe," he said, standing in my doorframe. "She likes you, always has."

"I like her too," I said, turning my brother's direction. "Gave me a lot to think about."

"I suppose you heard the plan from her."

I nodded. "Thanks, I really appreciate the invitation."

"It's a safety thing," he said.

"And Dustin?" I asked.

"We'll find a nook for him. I think it's smart to get him out of here. Not much of a future working at Sam's. Getting him out of the hills is a first step. Then we'll see how he does at school."

"Good," I said. "He's been doing better this year."

"Yea, with your help. At least we can take over a bit, you know, for when things get busy for you," Nate said.

I nodded, knowing Nate meant for when I became a mother.

"Have you thought about what you're gonna tell dad?"

"I have. Chloe gave me some ideas."

"You need to call him tonight, before it gets much later."

"Tonight?" I said with disappointment. "Can't I sleep on it?"

"It's not gonna get easier tomorrow. Trust me," he said.

I nodded.

"When you're ready, come down to the kitchen. I'll be there. You can try what you want to say out on me first, okay?"

"Thanks," I said, and watched my brother disappear down the hall.

Our father respected courage. I would have to muster every ounce of it just to reach for the receiver. I hoped my dad could at least understand that. Calling Nate was hard enough. Sitting in a doctor's office, worrying about the effects of incest was even worse. Taking the funerary march down the hall, the stairs, and into the kitchen where our phone waited, became the worst task of them all. The conversation itself was brief. It was the hardest of my life to date. "Oh Alex," my dad said when I told him with a deep undertone of disappointment.

My dad drove home all the way from Charleston that very evening. I hadn't seen him in weeks, due to the deadlines of his project. I waited for him by the door. This time I wasn't hiding my pregnancy. He could see it clear as day as he walked in. There he was, the old man, answering my call for help like the heroic figure I imagined him as while I was still a pup. He embraced me and told me he loved me. I couldn't help but melt away into my overwhelming emotions. He was my father. I should have never feared him. I knew better. As such I felt undeserving in his arms. Tarnished. Fallen. The angelic wings he may once have imagined sprouting from my shoulders were tattered and broken. In my lie I'd given away my innocence to an insignificant young man. In truth that innocence ended with the love of another of my father's children. Either way, it was gone. My father knew that now.

Nate, my father and I caucused in our living room. Dustin was absent, perhaps listening from the stairs. I told the stories and answered the questions I repeated ad nauseum over the last few days. I kept to my side story to protect Dustin and my son. It was better that way. I believed it would have meant terrible things for the pup if I told them the complete truth. I lied to protect us all and took complete ownership of the situation.

"You're finishing school." My father said deadpan without looking up from the table.

"Yes," I meekly said, my ears swept back and my gaze affixed to the floor.

"That's part of a plan," he said.

"Chloe and I want her to live with us over the summer. Driving an hour to the hospital is ridiculous. Plus we can get her better care in the city," Nate said.

"I don't see a problem with that," our father told Nate. "The other option would be for her to spend the summer with Brandon and me in Charleston, but I'm sure she'd do better with you."

Nate nodded.

"Well, chief, you're finally getting to leave Wayne County," my father said. I felt his gaze on me.

"I'm sorry dad," I said.

"Don't be. You're going to do good things out there. It's a much better place to start a family than here. When I was your age, I didn't have any options. My family was here and my wife's family was here. We needed each other so we got settled in this spot. You've got options now sport. I would have envied you."

"I don't really feel like I have a lot of choices," I said.

"Perspective," our dad said. "I remember a similar situation back when I learned about you Nate. We all saw the mines dry up. It happened in Louisa, Williamson, Red Jacket, but moving was never an option, especially with a pup in tow. Your mother and I talked about moving. She'd talked about California. She wanted to go to the Redwoods. She was disappointed when I took the job with the mine. We needed money. The mines paid. Back then I didn't feel like I had any choices either. You've got a hell of a lot more going for you than I did."

"What about college?" I asked.

My father looked a Nate, then at me. "You can still go from what I understand."

"How?"

"We're still behind you. I've got a good chunk saved up. Nate will chip in too, enough for housing. We told Danny earlier. Hell cover your meals. Your tuition reduction makes it all possible. We'll still have to take out some loans, but the numbers are there."

"What about the pup?"

"Made some calls," Nate said. "You can defer for up to twelve months without penalty. That will give you a year to adjust. You'll have to juggle a lot, but, well, we think you're up to it. Plus you'll have help."

"From whom?"

"You're only an hour away from us," Nate said. "And Dustin is going to school across town. You two seem to be getting along better. We've talked to him too, and he's ready to work around your schedule."

"Focus on high school first," our father said. "You're almost done."

"Do I really have to go?" I said. "This is really getting embarrassing. I think people already know."

"Yes," both Nate and our father said in near unison.

"This is really where you're on your own. We can do a lot for you, but there are some corners we're not gonna cut for you," said Nate.

"You are going," said our father.

"You dress like a guy anyway. Keep it loose. Wear a hoodie. It's not that obvious."

I nodded. I wasn't in the position to make demands.

"You belong in college," our father said. "If not this year, then next, or down the road."

I sniffled a little bit. I felt too weary to cry. My tears had been exhausted over the course of the last few days.

"You all grew up too fast," our father said. "It doesn't seem like long ago you were this big," he said to Nate, indicating a length with his paws approximately the size of a shoe box. "Your mother," he paused, "She was so happy to have you. I remember when I first got to see you. At the corporate hospital, back when we lived in the trailer. Now you're the doctor. Good lord, I'm lucky."

The younger collie shook his head. "Quit it dad. You know how you get around nostalgia."

"Five kids and they're all going places. There's a lot to be happy about. Just wish your mother had the patience to see what became of you."

Both Nate and I grew quiet at the mention of mom. Dad moved on with the conversation. We spoke for several more hours. Decisions were made, at least some of the more important ones. We made plans, more concrete ones than Dustin and I could make on our own, but things stayed hazy after the end of summer. Despite the encouragements to go to college, the tacit language of our talk made it clear that I'd have other responsibilities come September. We all knew fairly well that the likelihood of ever going diminished the longer I would be raising a child.

Nate packed up and left the next morning. Our father needed to depart as well. He promised to check in more frequently. His words and actions seemed to express some form of culpability, as if his presence during the fall and winter would have made some sort of a difference. It was like the big guy to take the blame. We met in the foyer before his trip back to Charleston. He hugged me tight in his broad furry arms.

"You stay safe, okay?" He said. Gazing down my muzzle.

"I'll be fine," I said, finally mustering the courage to look up into his eyes.

"I know you will. Call me if something changes," he said.

"I know the drill."

"Just a few more weeks, kido."

I smiled. "I know. Counting the days."

"I'm proud of you, Alex."

I swallowed and tried to beam the newfound courage this adventure had given me. It felt hard, but I think it came across. "I love you dad," I said.

"I love you too, pup," he said and squeezed me tight. Then the time came to depart. I watched him leave and drive down the gravel, holding aside the curtain of the window by the door. That impossible exercise was over now. Everyone who needed to know, knew. I wished I felt more relief than I did. My crime was unlike any other I'd committed in life. This was about more than discipline or disappointment. I had no way of knowing if the healing process had begun or not. It would probably take years, and even then, I doubted I'd ever have the trust my family bestowed on me before. I was the black sheep now; the problem child. Worst of all, I knew the most difficult challenges lay ahead. What did I say at the beginning of the semester? Don't despair; the worst is yet to come. I truly understood the meaning of that twisted idiom.

My ears swept back, perceiving the clack of toe-claws on the hardwood floor. Without reacting, I let Dustin approach me. His paws found themselves upon my hips, sweeping around my waist and following the curve of my protruding belly. I felt his warm breath in my mane and his nose nudge me ever so slightly. For a while he remained silent. I wished I could thank him for that. I relished the silence and appreciated the comforting closeness my brother afforded me. It was precisely what I needed.

"How'd it go?" Dustin eventually said, whispering into my back-swept ears.

I sighed, cast my ears and muzzle down. "It went," I said.

"Hey, at least it's over now. I listened in as well as I could. I'd say it went better than expected."

"Well, maybe from your angle," I said.

"Told you he'd cut you slack."

"At least he doesn't know it was you. I'm not sure how long it'll stay that way."

"I'm okay if you ever chose to tell him."

"We might have to. When he sees he's a pure bred, it might be the puzzle piece he needs. If not that, well, if we live together as planned and try and do this," I said and paused.

"One step at a time," Dustin said.

"We're fucked," I said.

I felt Dustin try and spin me around. I obeyed, slowly raising my muzzle until my whiskers became parallel with his. We looked at each other. I saw my mate and he saw his. I took comfort in his presence, and in the way my body chose to react to the imagery of my senses. Tension abated from my muscles and stomach. Internal warmth, the warmth of being cared for, took its place. The problems remained, as did the lack of answers, but my brother was able to reignite the little ember of hope which had grown cold over the past few days. "Sis," he said. "This year you taught me that if I want it hard enough, and I work hard enough, then things I thought were impossible are suddenly within reach, or at least closer than they were before. It was a weird feeling, you know, to suddenly know what success is made out of, to reap rewards. It helped at school, it helped at work, and it helped to win you. We may be fucked up, but I think what we both want is still there, it may be further away, but it's still within reach. The family might find out about us, but they're not going to do anything. They're not going to separate you from your pup, even if that means begrudgingly leaving me with nothing but a tongue-lashing. I heard what happened. Dad, Nate, they're behind you one-hundred percent. Well, if I enter the picture, it'll hurt, but once they see how we feel about each other, they'll settle in their places."

"This was hard enough," I said, "I don't think I can handle being part of that conversation."

"Give it time," he said. "It might not come up at all. If it does, you won't be alone."

"Life isn't going to be easy."

"Is it for anyone?" Dustin asked.

I shook my head. "At least we get the chance to leave. Anyone else and we'd just have to pull a trailer into the front yard and get a check for each pup I crapped out."

Dustin nudged my chin up with his nose, which began to droop under the weight of the conversation topic. He forced a smile, one I could tell disguised the same troubles I felt. There would be no more answers to my problems today. Only the future could confirm or cancel my prevalent fears. My brother pressed his lips to mine in a short, gentle kiss. I pressed mine to his a moment later, seeking to confess deeper expression of all I felt for him. Our heads tilted, our tongues began to dance. Our paws sought the familiar hand-holds on each other's bodies. The magnetism that caused our innate incest aversion to fail compelled us to step closer and our kiss to intensify. We stood in the foyer of our home, bathed in the afternoon light, left with the solitude that gave our love the room to grow.

We spent the evening on the living room sofa. I lay upon my brother. His son and I played the role of his blanket. His paws held me near, kept me buoyed by his breathing on his slender frame. We kissed when the impulse inspired us to, but for the most part all we craved was the closeness we'd been deprived of since Nate arrived. We let our minds and paws wander, but with no clear telos. Sex wasn't in our immediate thoughts. In an ironic twist of fate, I found myself thinking of the last four weeks of school and dreading the day of graduation. If I could reach out and slow the slip of time in order to delay the arrival of that once anticipated day, I would have. I had four, perhaps five weeks left of the freedom to pursue Dustin and express my love to him as I did in those fleeting moments. Even if he came with me to North Carolina, I probably wouldn't find myself able to recreate instances of tenderness. Then the nebulous horizon and the unseen beyond my due date loomed just beyond. Slowly but surely I found myself sailing in that direction, carried by the torturously mono-directional tide of time as if by the rise and fall of my brother's steady breath.