Spoilers for Deadpool (2016), Now Playing in theatres. Unless you're in China. Sorry.

So, after yet another patented Deadpool disaster area, everyone was in need of a drink.

They went to Wade's favorite bar, where he knew the bartender and also some blind lady who grumbled about who was going to pay the rent, and also she kept asking if anyone knew how to assemble IKEA furniture. Ellie "Negasonic Teenage Warhead" Phimister had smiled - or rather did the specific eyebrow-quirking she used in place of a smile - at the memory of Scott's increasingly desperate attempts to assemble the Bjursta.

And then Logan went "move over, Slim" and things really went to crap. It wasn't often that you saw the Prof reduced to tears of laughter.

No one had batted an eye at a teenage girl in black and yellow bodysuit, or Deadpool, for that matter. Probably figured they were roleplaying. Negasonic had heard some of the things they had been whispering to each other in the cab (which was actually paid for) and it would've made her blush if she were capable of expressing emotion in non-eyebrow-related ways.

Once they had gotten to the bar, Piotr had expressed concern about letting a minor drink. Weasel told him that he was certainly not going to let a minor have any liquor, and then, with a wink, handed Ellie a shot glass of orange juice.

Turned out it was actually just orange juice.

Speaking of age, Ellie was pretty sure it was about time to change her codename. "Negasonic Collegiate Warhead" didn't have the same ring to it.

Wolverine had texted that his anger management meeting would run long, and the party had proceeded until around ten or so. Wade and Vanessa basically glowed in each other's presence, like the sun reflecting off the moon, except the moon was also reflecting off the sun and this was a terrible metaphor and she should scrap it altogether.

She had barely thought about the fact that she had killed people today.

The Professor had once talked to her about operant conditioning, about how most soldiers in WWI never actually fired their guns. Turns out that their training hadn't actually managed to overcome the natural human resistance to killing others, and soldiers since had been conditioned with that in mind. That was why those paper targets at firing ranges often looked like actual people.

Ellie had opined that the soldiers hadn't shot anyone because they had machine guns and artillery and mustard gas and all the other fun little tools of industrial warfare, and said so. And the Prof had looked thoughtful and said she should ask Logan.

But when faced with the choice herself, she had just done it, without hesitation, without blinking. She didn't puke, her hands weren't shaking, and she probably wouldn't have any trouble getting to sleep tonight.

Was that a good thing?

They even bought Bob, who had somehow survived an aircraft carrier falling on him.

"Bob's basically a cockroach," Wade had said, throwing an arm around his friend's neck. "This one time in Dubai -"

Bob had, pointedly, coughed.

"...Right. Still classified. All I can say is that the Dutch would be very surprised to know he still has all his fingers."

It wasn't clear what Bob's prospects were, but at least he wasn't the one person left alive (and in manacles) at the helicarrier collapse. Poor Angel. Couldn't've happened to a nicer girl.

Why didn't Nega have tits like that?

Ellie looked at her bedroom mirror and cupped her chest. She'd even settle for Vanessa's boobs.

At least she had nice hips.

She sighed, changed into her My Little Pony PJs, brushed her teeth, practiced her eyebrowing a little, and went to bed.

And proceeded to not-sleep.

The house was quiet, because everyone had gone to Genosha to look at the Em Sabah Nurr memorial - wasn't the most cheery place for a field trip - leaving only the faint creaks of an old house settling. Well, an old house that had been partially rebuilt twice in the past year.

Good thing they left the backup X-Jet. Without the heated seats.

Ellie rolled over on her side, absently tracing the three balloons on her her hip. It wasn't even the fact that she had pasted those mercs like bugs on a windscreen, it was Wade and Vanessa.

Okay, Vanessa was hot. Big black eyes, nice cheekbones, and a filthy mind that rivaled Wade's. Speaking of which, the Maniac with a Mouth had been pretty nommable himself, before. Had kind of a Ryan Raynolds thing going on. Now he looked like Ryan Reynolds with a horrible skin condition.

He was obviously still fit, judging from his build and the way he backflipped and contorted and stuff. And he probably had ablot of experience with...other stuff.

Her chest tingled. What-

Pinkie Pie's smiling face was pushed out by Ellie's rapidly expanding bust, settling at somewhere between Angel and Wade's girlfriend. She stared at the girls for a second.

"You know," she said to no one in particular, "this is the lamest secondary mutation I've ever-"

She just had to say it.

She hurt, the pain racing up and down from the center of her spine. She arched her back as her coccyx bulged, sprouted into a nubby tail. Which turned into a less hubby greyish tail, which became a midsize dark-grey tail, and then a long, black tail.

Negasonic didn't notice, because she had bonked her head.

It was her fault, really. She should've anticipated her neck swiftly lengthening, black scales spreading up her next with the texture of a phone case she had once. Under ordinary circumstances, she probably could've reacted constructively under normal circumstances, if she hadn't been trying to force her pyjama pants off before whatever she was turning into rent them in twain.

Some of you watching at home may wonder why she was so intent on preserving her sleepwear, given her rather casual disposal of both her smartphone and designer-looking jacket and scarf in that one scene in the film. To which Warhead would've simply responded, "best pony". And then, with a raised eyebrow, "what film?"

Unfortunately for Ellie's equine interests, she was unable to force them past her suddenly-widened hips. Of course, she thought, it would be the one part of her that didn't need emphasis.

With a ripping noise, Pinkie's Party PJ pants gave up the ghost. Fine. Fine! She'd just get her top off_what was happening to her fingers come on seriously._

The webbing stretched between her fingers as she spread them out. A dull gold color, and the fingers themselves were lengthening, even as they were themselves darkening.

Ow.

Since when were her teeth so sharp?

Her left elbow clicked unpleasantly as her arm lengthened. Her right, naturally, had decided to get longer first, and then turn into a wing. Her feet were getting in on the action as well, toes stretching into talons. Her stomach and breasts went a slightly brighter gold than her wings, drawing attention to her breasts and face, which suddenly had a muzzle and...much better senses.

She licked her lips, tasted herself, the copper of her blood, in her mouth, on her teeth. The sheets seemed rough, now, the shadows as clear as noonday. She could hear the faint clank of metal as Colossus got in some late night gains, the salt of the sweat dripping off his body-

She could find him. He was right there. Just fly down a level, and tell him what she wanted. Maybe she wouldn't say anything. Maybe she'd just raise an eyebrow and he'd know, and then, and then-

And then he wouldn't lay a finger on her, because that would be taking advantage of her.

Nega shook her head. She needed someone to talk to. After confirming that her new wing-hands could still operate her phone - asking the important questions - she left out the window.

Logan happened to be walking up the drive. She didn't notice.

"Huh," he remarked, to no one in particular. "Haven't seen one of those since Vancouver."

-NTW-

As it turned out, all a man with really, really bad skin needed to do to get sympathetic stares instead of disgusted glances ("look away, children!") was a military uniform and a pair of dog tags.

"The way I see it, I actually am a veteran," Wade explained. "Just not, y'know, for America."

"So where did you get the ID?" Vanessa asked.

"From a Veteran."

Vanessa gave him a Look.

"He was dead already."

"Oh."

"Besides!" He gestured to the bowl in front of him. "We get 15% off chicken wings!"

"Why TGI Fridays?"

"Oh, ruph," Wade said, his mouth full. "I nuhuh toh uh uhbuh Ahhunhille-"

And that was when a dragon landed in the parking lot. It immediately pulled out a cell phone and began texting.

"Wade...there's a dragon outside."

He spared the creature a whole three seconds. "Sexy. She's in the handicapped spot. Nice PJ top, though I'm more partial to Derpy."

"You don't seem surprised."

"A lot of people you wouldn't expect like The Ponies. And not in the bored farmer way either. I have this unicorn-"

Vanessa half-smiled. "I meant the dragon thing."

"I see a lot of weird crap in this line of work. For example, every time I look in the mirror."

Vanessa's phone buzzed.

"...And see Giggles the ghost clown." Wade continued, with a theatrical shudder. "And also my face."

"It's Negasonic."

"Does she want us to bring her a doggie bag?"

"No, it's Negasonic."

"The dragon? Really?" Wade twisted in his seat, took a good, hard stare. "I've never met a dragon before. Are we sure it's her?"

The dragon looked through the window at Wade, raised an eyebrow, and hit send.

"Yeah, that's her," said the Canadian, just as his squeeze said "she says you're a dick."

"Well, yeah, everyone knows that," Deadpool scoffed. "What does she want?"

"Apparently, us."

"Like...wants us, wants us?"

Vanessa nodded. She bit her lip as she looked outside. People were already whipping out their cell phones, capturing her sullen glare in the glare of their flashes. She folded her arms - were her boobs that big before? - and gave Vanessa both eyebrows.

It felt like a bunch of tiny men with little needles working their way down her spine. Which she had tried once, and it wasn't as fun as it sounded.

"She'll just have to keep waiting. I just started on these wings."

"You don't care that she's turned into a dragon?"

"Vanessa. Hot Wings. We'll feed her all the virgins she wants later." Wade sucked some sauce off his finger. "I've always wondered; do the virgins have to be girls?"

"She just sent me a picture-"

Wade craned his head. "Oh."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"Well."

"Check please."

---

"Negasonic Teenage Wyrven"

2016 Nequ This is a fanfic. I don't own Deadpool , any characters in the film, dragons, or Morena Baccarin, more's the pity.

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Confession time : I don't find Negasonic Teenage Warhead sexy. In the comic, she looks like a crack fiend in body paint. In the flick, she's a monochrome bundle of edge and eyebrows, like many teenagers. However, Brianna Hildebrand, who plays her, is as cute as a gosh-darn button. Nice hips on her, and y'all know how I like-

Hey, Nequ! Deadpool had a lot of swearing and dirty jokes! Where are those in this story?

One: different Point Of View character. Two: I want you to go through my entire ten-year body of work and see how often I use any profanity whatsoever.

Go on.

I'll wait.

How old is Nega in this?

19, like her actress-wait, what are you implying? When have I ever used an underage character?

Shifties, the first TF story you wrote.

Well-

And then there was that Twilight Legion story that never went anywhere.

You've got two examples in ten years! That's hardly a trend, the second one was a horror story, and I'm cutting off this sketch, it's become entirely too meta.