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LAST TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: Albus and Morry got lost, opened up to each other a little, and found a farm, and also a zombie got shot in the dick. Also, I mentioned titty milking.

Albus and Morry started walking through the cornfield. There were still a few zombies, but Albus took them out by either shooting them with his dual pistols or slashing them with the knives attached. "I guess we could stay at that farm for a while. I just hope we don't run into trouble." Morry said, and Albus replied "Trouble usually runs into me. It seems to go out of its way to move from where it usually is to where I'm just trying to have a nice fucking day. It's driving me ape-shit.", eliciting a look of sympathy and empathy from Morry, such looks being rather rare for her when you know her for as short a time as Albus did. Albus understood those looks, seeing people make them in movies, and was somewhat perplexed. He couldn't remember ever getting that look before, as far as he noticed, even when he talked to other people in his town about the more fucked-up parts of what he went through, such as the suffering brought by conversion therapy and bullying. Getting it for just being open about running into trouble often, especially from little miss pointing-a-shotgun-at-your-head-means-"hello", left him feeling like he needed an explanation right away. "I'm not complaining, but why is that enough to get the 'oh poor you' look? I've been through much, much worse without getting that look from anyone I told about such things" he asked, and then Morry straight-up hugged him and said "It's alright now. All that's going to change. Just remember that, at least now, you have me by your side. you don't seem all that eager to complain about that, do you?", making Albus cry a little. Then they got to the farm.

They were first greeted by some characters I don't give any shits about. Those characters are several of the farmhands. One, a bunny named Tom, started by saying "Oh. Why hello. What're y'all doin' here?", and Albus replied "Looking for a home and some food". Another, a cow named Betsy, told them to go talk to the owner of the farm, Silas. "Where is he?" Morry asked. ANOTHER one, a pig named Harley, told them to go to a house that they could get to by simply walking forward. Albus thanked them for their help, and then they got on their way. He walked past crop fields filled with people mostly working (some of them were napping or taking a piss), several barns full of animals, and three grain silos. Eventually, they got to a lovely little ranch house, decorated with a blue-and-green pastel color scheme that was a bit less pleasant to the eye, on account of the bloodstains here and there on the outside walls. They walked up to a door that seemed to once be an ordinary front door, but was now covered in fold-out spikes, a walkie-talkie that was seemingly wired into the house, and had a combination lock that used a Novation Launchpad with the original things printed on it rubbed off. The drum pad buttons on the Launchpad had one hexagon drawn on each, divided into six different triangles. On each hexagon, there was a different combination of filled-in and non-filled-in hexagons. Above it was a custom LCD with 16 hexagons on it.

"OH HOLY SHIT I SEE THE MATHEMATICS BEHIND THAT LOCK!!! There are 64 buttons, and 64 is two to the power of six. Hexagons have six sides, and-" Albus was interrupted by Morry going "Please tell me how that is remotely relevant to getting inside, or why I would give two shits about the math behind a fucking combination lock" Albus then pushed the "talk" button on the walkie-talkie and yelled "UM HELLO IS ANYONE HOME!? WE'RE KIND OF LOOKING FOR FRESH FOOD AND A PLACE TO STAY AND WE CAN BE VERY USEFUL IF YOU WOULD JUST-", and then Morrigan grabbed his snout and held it shut tight. They were given the response "This is Silas Tijuanes. Come inside, and we'll talk about the conditions of whether or not you live here" by the person listening, who sounded like Idris Elba. "Oh, how lovely. Your voice is a major turn-on for me. Were you ever a voice actor? I'm saying that because your voice is FUCKING BADASS!!!" Albus blurted once Morry let go of his snout. Silas replied "Oh, why thank you, sir. I like how your voice sounds boyish enough to be attractive to me, but not enough to make me uncomfortable with wanting to have sex with you", and Albus (it's worth mentioning now that his voice sounds like a slightly more masculine version of Hayden Christiansen's Anakin Skywalker) replied "Are you bi too?" "Pansexual" Silas replied to his reply to Silas's reply to Albus's compliment.

The spikes went down, the door made an unlocking sound, the part of the pathway below them sunk into the ground ever so slightly, and the door swung open inwards. They walked in, stepped briefly on another hidden pressure plate that made it swing outward a little, and then stepped off and let the door close. They walked around and saw plenty of luxurious things, from fancy and super-comfy-looking furniture, to nice electronics, to damn fine paintings, to even a marble stairway leading into the basement. They were greeted after a few minutes of looking around by Silas Tijuanes, a bull that was a full head taller than Albus, with wider shoulders, much more muscle mass, and a sizable package, who was shirtless and wearing very tight briefs. Albus started panting, purring, sighing and even moaning a little, before suddenly regaining his composure. "Oh, why hello, good sir. What a lovely everything you have. Would you mind sharing just some of it?" Albus asked, Morrigan then clarifying the obvious elephant in the room-that he was talking about wanting to fuck Silas-and Silas remarking "I might want to have a little time alone with the two of you, if you don't mind. I can guarantee that you'll be able to stay here as long as I get it". Albus then thought Is this just a really long wet dream that's taking too long to get to the part where he fucks me like a pornstar or a whore? Seriously. My day started out with having a shotgun pointed at my face by a stranger, and now it's made its way to a threesome with two sexual fantasies come to life that also probably have lovely personalities beyond just that. "Can we eat first?" Morry asked, and Silas said they can.

They were taken to a massive dinner table, with Silas sitting at the head of the table, someone else noteworthy sitting across from Albus, and a bunch of people not all that worth mentioning right now seated everywhere else at the table. That someone else noteworthy was Chip Flanderson, usually called Chip, the cynical gay raccoon. He had very effeminate looks, and was wearing a cheerleader's outfit with a short skirt and tight undies. "Who are you, and why are you dressed like that?" Albus asked, and then Chip replied "I'm Chip, the cynical gay raccoon, and I'm dressed like this because I look hotter in this outfit. You might, too", pointing towards Albus, who had left pretty much everything he was carrying with him in the room he and Morrigan were to share with Silas, or Si as he was often called, was dressed in the outfit he relaxes in. That outfit is a tight-fitting, ultra-short-sleeved white t-shirt with "IMPEACH PEDRO" on it (you are pure lion awesome incarnate if you instantly guessed what I'm referencing. It's Napoleon "vote for Pedro" Dynamite.); tight-fitting (and revealing as a result) pajama shorts with patterns of pictures of snacks and sweets, with the only original tag that never itched still on it, which said "Proudly made in Zootopia" (It was the only movie this year to be more awesome than the Deadpool one); and bisexual pride color-patterned (vertically; blue, then purple, then dark pink) tube socks, modified to have separate spaces for each individual toe of his foot-paws. Si remarked "I like his outfit. It shows off that body, and it kind of looks like your average Youtuber's.", referring to people like Shane Dawson, Onision, MrRepzion, Bobby Burns from Brand Sins, Tyler Oakley, and so on.

Albus's meal consisted of bread rolls, bacon, a warm glass of milk, sharp yellow cheddar cheese (seeing it and being horny, he thought I wonder if you can make cheese out of breastmilk.), mashed potatoes, butter-soaked corn-on-the-cob, and a bowl of honey, which Morrigan requested that Silas add to his meal just to see what he did with it. He instantly guzzled down the milk, moaned a little, and shouted "OH MY FUCK! THAT WAS DELICIOUS! None of you have any idea how long ago it has been since the last time I drank real fucking milk! Only sometimes could I even get powdered milk! Real milk is so fucking good!" with some people making sound and saying things that indicated confusion, and some outright clapping. Then he ate the bacon, then the bread rolls, then the cheese, then the mashed potatoes, and then the corn-on-the-cob. It's worth noting that the honey bowl did have a honeycomb in it, but Albus gave exactly zero tosses as he guzzled straight from the bowl. After Silas asked, in such a polite manner, "What the fuck did you even DO just now!? There's a honeycomb in there, and you're not supposed to just drink pure honey!" "What's a honeycomb? Is it that thing that looks like a beehive on the end of a stripper pole? Also, who or what exactly is hurt by me when I just drink honey?" Albus inquired in response. In response, Silas said "Yes. Yes it is that thing you just described. As for your second question, it makes people uncomfortable", and in response to that, Albus said "I could just as easily say that your horns make me uncomfortable, and therefore, you shouldn't have horns. Something making you uncomfortable is not a fucking reason to stop it". "You can sit down now, and you'd better be pretty good in bed to make up for humiliating me in front of everybody." Silas said, and, of course, Albus replied "How does just being proven wrong by somebody humiliate you? Also CAN I PLEASE HAVE SECONDS!?" Seconds were given to him, honey included, and he ate them quickly. When the meal was finished, Silas escorted Chip, Albus and Morry off to their new bedroom, and you know exactly where this is going.

NEXT TIME ON ZOMBIES ARE WANKERS: A fuckton of smut, just how I want it to go.