FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Melias awoke to the dim orange sunlight peeking through the living room blinds, his arms still wrapped around his blanket. His first thought of the day was Ro. He smiled and squeezed the blanket tighter. It was so warm. It was so soft. Just like Ro.

Melias' second thought was, He's in your house right now. Go see him.

He threw the blanket aside and rolled to his feet, then tiptoed to his room. He pressed his ear against the door. Silence. Was Ro still asleep? Maybe he should leave him alone.

But then he remembered how angelic Ro looked when he was sleeping. He grasped the doorknob, turned it, then slowly pushed. He winced as the hinges groaned, and held his breath as his bed creaked on the other side. Oh no, had he woken up Ro? Should he just close the door and walk away? He'd get up when he got up, and—

“Hello? C-come in?"

Melias paused, then opened the door enough to peek in. Sitting against the bed's headboard, phone in hand, was Ro, beaming like the sun itself.

“Good morning!" said Ro. “Did you sleep well?"

The tiniest part of Melias lamented not being able to watch Ro sleep again, but getting to see the human's beautiful smile more than made up for it. “I did. How about you?"

“I haven't slept that well in forever!"

Melias shuddered, and the skin under his feathers heated up. Ro's best rest 'in forever' was… in his bed? “How is your chest feeling?" he asked as he stepped into the room.

Ro rubbed his bruise. “It's alright. Was kind of sore when I woke up, but I took a painkiller, so it's not so bad."

“Oh, good." Wait. How did Ro know where the painkillers were? Did he find them on his own? Dad and Pop always slept in on weekends, so did he wake up and explore the house?

…Did he watch Melias sleep like Melias watched him sleep? The prickling in his feathers grew sharper. He turned toward his computer and let his beak hang open, trying to cool himself off without the human seeing.

“Hey, umm, is it okay if I took a shower?" Ro asked with a nervous laugh.

Oh, Melias could not handle this. Now Ro wants to get naked?

“Melias? You okay?"

Melias closed his beak, then turned around. “S-sorry. Still waking up. Yes, that's fine."

Ro hopped off the bed. “Thanks!"

“Do you need some clothes? It's not like you haven't worn mine before," Melias said, before turning away and grimacing. Did he seriously just say that? The heat must have been getting to his head.

The human giggled as he walked to his backpack, brushing Melias as he passed by. “Thank you, but I brought some."

“You did?"

“Yep! Just in case. I brought some pajamas too, but I never got a chance to change before I fell asleep." He pulled out a change of clothes, then walked to the door. “Okay, I won't take too long. Oh… wait. Uh, do birds use shampoo?"

“No. It's bad for our feathers."

“Oh… that would explain—er, I guess I'll just have to wash with water."

Melias' brain overheated. “Explain?"

Ro sped out of the room. “Never mind!"

The door closed behind Melias, leaving him alone with what passed for thoughts. A moment later, the hiss of the shower hit his ears. He tried not to think about the fact that a few thin pieces of wood separated him from Ro's naked body. Tried, and failed.

He spun and looked at his bed. Ro had slept there. A whole night for his friend's body to rub up against his blankets and leave a bit of himself behind. Melias fell into the sheets, rubbed his face against the pillow, and took a deep breath. The subtle scent of the human filled his nostrils, and he gasped wildly, both to cool his sizzling body, and to draw in as much of the human's aroma as he could. The scent was gentle, hardly even there, but that made it more alluring, more enthralling.

Melias slipped a hand into his pants and swirled his finger around his cloaca's edge. As he teased his sensitive opening, he slid down his bed, dragging his face along his mattress as he snuffled the sheets. The scent down there was different—stronger, sharper, but just as much Ro as what was on the pillow. He stuck the tip of his finger into his cloaca and pushed the walls, groaning from that wonderful stretch. He pulled his pants down to his knees, arched his back, and he stuck his ass into the air, spreading his tail feathers wide. How he wished he could stay like that until Ro finished his shower. The human would walk back into his room, dripping water all over the floor, and see the white crow wiggling his hips back and forth. Ro wouldn't be able to resist. He'd… he'd…

Melias groaned and rolled onto the floor; his fingers weren't enough. He reached under his bed, pulled out a sheet-wrapped box wrapped, and threw it open. Empty. Fuck! Did he really bring all his toys to college? With a half-moan, half-growl, he shoved the box back into its hiding place and rolled onto the bed, rubbing his cloaca with more vigor than usual. But it just wasn't enough. He needed to be filled. He needed to be stuffed.

Melias rubbed his beak where Ro had slept, taking deep breaths. His eyes rolled back in his head as he rubbed circles around his cloaca, the scent and sensation slowly starting to seize his thoughts. He pulled his pants all the way off, then grabbed his blanket and wrapped his legs around it. He rubbed harder and squeezed the blanket with his thighs, his mind aflame with fantasies of Ro burying himself into his groin. Those perfect life-giving spheres, swinging like pendulums every time he thrust deep, smacking against his feathery backside… It was too much. His groin tingled as he huffed the bed sheet, and then…

And then the door swung open. Melias flailed, trying to disentangle his legs from the blanket. Their eyes made contact for just a moment before Ro gasped and ducked out of the room.

Melias wanted to shriek. He wanted his bed to swallow him. He wanted to invite Ro in to hammer him. But most of all: he wanted to fucking die. His heart, pounding like Ro in his fantasy, tried to arrange that. He pulled his legs the rest of the way under the blanket, then slid his whole body under and curled into a ball. Ro had seen him masturbating. Ro had seen him masturbating! God, what else did he see? Surely the blanket kept his secret. But what if it didn't? What if Ro had actually seen his cloaca? What if he had seen that he was some weird freak with the wrong genitals? Maybe he ran to the toilet to throw up. Why did Melias always fuck up? Why couldn't he control himself? Why was he always just—

Three knocks. The door creaked. “Um, sorry, is it okay to come in?"

Melias took a very deep breath—getting a touch more of the human's scent—and poked his head out from under the blankets. “Y-yes." As the door pushed the rest of the way open, he realized that he had, in fact, fucked up again. “W-w-wait. Sorry, uh, one sec."

“Oh, oops!" Ro said, sliding backwards and slamming the door. “Sorry! Didn't mean to slam it!"

Melias leaned over the side of his bed. As he moved, a wetness slipped from his cloaca. He rubbed his crotch again, then looked at his hand. A strand of cum bridged two fingers—proof of his failed orgasm. He stepped toward his desk and reached for his tissue box, but like his dildos, it was also gone. With nothing to clean it, he licked the cum off, wriggled back into his pants, and fell back on his bed. His whole body burned, and ached, and shook. He wanted to call Ro back into the room, but the thought of facing him made Melias dizzy.

Man, how did Xaza take getting walked in on so well?

After steeling himself, Melias cleared his throat. “O-okay. Come in."

The door opened again, and Ro stepped into the room, looking at the floor. His skin looked hot to the touch. He walked over to his bag and stuffed yesterday's clothes into it. After sitting in Melias' chair, he grunted a few times, as though trying to say something.

“Sorry," Melias said. What else could he say?

“No, no, I didn't knock!" Ro said, his voice squeakier than usual. “Uh… uh… do you… need some more time, or—"

“I'm fine," the liar lied. The only way he'd be fine right now is if he were out cold.

“G-good. Uh, what were you doing exactly?" Ro grabbed his damp fur with both hands and shook his head. “I mean—ugh, fuck—did I really just blurt that out? Sorry, never mind. Oh my god. Fuck."

Melias shifted in place. His body burned again, but in a very different way this time. “W-what do you think?" Oh god, just drop it, Melias!

Ro spun the chair toward Melias, but didn't look at him. “You know…" He closed his hand into a fist and shook his wrist up and down.

The crow should have been humiliated, but the question was actually a big relief. Ro wouldn't have made that gesture if he had seen his cloaca, would he? No. It was fine. He was okay. Melias cleared his throat. “I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me."

Ro exhaled shakily. Melias swore he even heard a hint of a moan in there. “No, I… I get it. Don't worry about it." He turned toward the desk and began digging through his backpack."

The response stuck in Melias' mind. It wasn't the words themselves, but the fact that Ro sounded… excited. Aroused, even. A part of him wanted to pry into it, but… no. What Melias fantasized about just a few minutes ago now terrified him. What if he completely misread the situation? What if it wasn't lust he heard in Ro's voice, but disgust?

But if he were right, he could lose his virginity, right here and now.

“Well, uh, anyway," Ro said, still sounding strange. He placed the FPGA box on the desk. “Did you want to try to figure out that cube?"

Melias smiled, grateful for the distraction. “Sure."

They fiddled with the device for much of the morning. Awkwardness still hung in the air, but working on computers was meditative for Melias, and before long, thoughts of algorithms replaced thoughts of sex.

After his parents woke up, they all had breakfast together, then Cielan examined Ro again. Melias, still not trusting his libido, opted to help Pop with cleanup. When the blue jay was satisfied that Ro was okay, he offered to drive them back to the college.

“O-oh, okay," Ro said. “I'll go get my bag."

Cielan clicked his beak. “If you'd like to stay, you're more than welcome to stay until tomorrow."

Ro sighed. “No. I really want to stay longer, but I have to… work on an important assignment."

Melias cocked his head. Ro hadn't mentioned an assignment, but he wasn't going to ask; it's not like he was obligated to tell him every detail of his life.

Cielan nodded. “I understand. Let me know when you're ready, and we can be on our way.“

Ro smiled. “Okay. Thank you, Cielan."

“Of course."

Melias and Ro returned to the bedroom, and Ro packed his stuff.

“Man… I spent half a day here and I'm already sad about leaving."

It made Melias sad, too. He didn't want to go back to his normal life, where he wasn't really safe, and no one really cared for him. He never wanted to spend a single moment away from Ro. He looked down and sighed. “Yes, I really enjoyed it."

“Even if the reasons we came here weren't so happy."

“Well…"

Ro's voice dropped to a mumble. “And even if I did walk in…" The rest of the sentence trailed off as he turned away.

Melias knew what he said. “Pardon?"

“Nothing, nothing." Ro zipped up his backpack.

No, it was definitely something. The cogs in Melias' head whirred as he tried to put it together. Ever since Ro interrupted him, he had been acting… different. Melias cursed himself, wishing he were better at social cues. Was Ro put off by what he saw, or was Melias imagining things? His mind screamed at him, suggesting everything from abandonment to marriage proposal. Just what was it?

“Okay… let's get going." Ro began lifting the backpack. As the barest hint of a grimace appeared on his face, Melias' priorities shifted in an instant.

“Let me get that for you."

Ro hefted the bag onto his shoulders. “No, no, no, it's fine."

Melias stepped forward and reached out. “But—"

Ro's hand shot up and grabbed Melias' wrist. Panic pulsed through the crow before the human's soft, calming voice set him at ease. “Melias… I really appreciate it… but I'm okay, thanks to you."

There was a strange twinkle in the human's eye as they looked at each other. Something clicked, and Cielan's voice replayed in his mind.

“He's crazy about you."

Oh god. Dad was right.

No, it couldn't be true.

But it was.

Ro let go. “Alright… anything you need?"

You. “No. I didn't bring anything."

“Oh, right. Well, let's go.“ After looking around the room one last time, Ro turned and walked toward the door, and Melias stared at the indented feathers on his wrist. His heart throbbed. Oh god. Oh god. He… oh god. When he looked up, Ro was gone, and he skipped to catch up.

When they reached the living room, Lairo, sitting on the couch next to Cielan, shot up. He looked at Melias, then at the human. “Hey, man! Heading out now?"

“Yep," Ro said, his voice flat.

The cardinal extended a hand. “Well, it was great meeting you, Ro!"

Ro reached for Lairo's hand, but then stepped forward and gave him a hug.

“Oh! Well, this works too." Lairo wrapped his arms around the human.

“Sorry," Ro said. “I should have asked."

Lairo snorted. “I'll never turn down a good hug. Hey, listen, if you have any questions about your Halberd, just send me a message, alright? I'm always happy to help out. Come visit again. That's not a request, by the way."

Ro laughed. “What are you gonna do? Drive to Rozen U and abduct me?"

“I just might!"

The laughter grew from a solo performance to an ensemble, but underneath his smile, Melias' sadness grew. He never wanted to part from Ro. He wanted to just take Ro's hand, drag him back into his room, and cuddle under the blankets until the universe ended. Why couldn't they stay like this? Why did they have to go back to normal? Why did he have to be ripped away from his perfect life?

“Melias?"

The crow looked at Cielan. “Hm?"

“I asked if you're ready."

“Oh, y-yes, I am." He looked at the cardinal. “Bye, Pop."

“See ya, Mel!"

They left the house, and the boys hopped into the back seat of Cielan's car. As they drove through the city, Melias' suspicions—and anxiety—grew. Everything Ro said, every motion he made, every smile and giggle… it all made sense. This is how someone in love would act. Was he doing these things himself and not even noticing?

Melias barely held it together. He wanted to touch Ro's soft hand and rub his fuzzy cheek. Wait, fuzzy? Ro's entire face seemed to have a thin layer of red fur growing on it. How had he never noticed this before? Was it there before? No, it definitely wasn't there last night… or was—

“What are you looking at?" Ro asked, giggling.

“Oh, uh, your fur. It's… on your face."

Ro rubbed his cheek. “Yeah… I couldn't shave this morning."

“Shave? You shave your face? As in, with a shear?"

“Mmhmm. If I don't, it gets all itchy."

“And you don't cut yourself?"

Ro smirked. “Not anymore, but it took some practice." He turned his head and looked out the window. “You don't think it's weird, do you? Most humans do it."

Now that Ro mentioned it, the humans in the few photos Melias had seen also had smooth faces. What did they look like when they let it grow? “No, that's not weird. Do what makes you comfortable."

Ro took a few breaths, but said nothing.

“Sorry, did I say something wrong?" Melias asked, his anxiety creeping up again.

“No, it's just, well… do you like it?"

“Like it?"

Ro looked back at Melias and rubbed his cheek again. “Yeah. If you like it, I could let it grow a little more…"

A loud sniff came from the front seat. Melias looked at his father, and saw him smirking even from behind. He turned back to Ro. “Well, didn't you just say it was itchy?"

Ro hummed. “It's not that bad. I mean, look at you guys. You have feathers on your whole body, and they don't seem to bug you! I was thinking about seeing how I look if I let it grow, anyway."

But you were waiting for my approval…? “Well, uh… I don't have a problem with it." You're beautiful without. I'm sure you're beautiful with.

Ro smiled, and then his eyes widened. “Oh, we're here!"

Melias looked out the window at the college campus. His heart sank. It was almost over. He tried to enjoy the last few moments in the car with Ro, but moments later, the car stopped in front of the human's dorm.

“Thank you again, Cielan," Ro said. “For everything. For saving my family from homelessness, for making sure I was healthy, for…" He looked back at Melias and smiled. “For giving me my b-best friend."

Melias' stomach did a flip. He returned Ro's gaze, staring into the human's beautiful eyes. Best friend… that was close to boyfriend… is that what Ro wanted to say?

Cielan chirped. “You have become such a sweetheart, Guurolk. I'll see you soon."

“Bye!" Ro opened the car door and flashed Melias one last smile as he stepped out. They would see each other soon. They would talk even sooner. But soon was not now, and each step Ro took tugged at Melias' heart. As the car pulled away, he craned his head to keep the human in sight, but he disappeared through the dorm's front door.

“That was so cute."

Melias groaned. “What was?"

“All of it. Ahh, he wants to change his style, but he also wants to make sure his crush likes it…" Cielan said, his voice taking on a songlike quality.

Melias groaned again. “Dad… you're sounding like Pop."

Cielan chuckled. “Oh no. A fate worse than death." He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. “I assume you didn't tell Ro this morning?"

“Tell him what?"

“Your feelings."

“No, I didn't."

The blue jay shook his head. “He's more in love with you than you are with him."

Melias sighed. Just twelve hours ago, that would have sounded preposterous. Now, he was willing to believe it.

“Mel, if I'm being honest, you're adorable together. You'd make such a cute couple."

The crow scoffed. Maybe just because Ro would provide all the cuteness. Still, the thought warmed his heart. Being around Ro made him feel alive, but he wanted—needed—more. He needed to hold him, to nuzzle him, to kiss him, to love him. Could he handle spending time with Ro if he couldn't do those things?

The car pulled up to Melias' building, and Cielan turned toward Melias. “I know you know, but whatever happens, Pop and I will always be here for you. Love you, Mel."

“Love you, Dad."

Melias got out of the car and trudged back to his dorm. Though his legs felt leaden, he arrived at his room instantly, his mind completely distracted from the outside world. After a few knocks, he entered his room and flopped onto his bed. Back to being alone…

After taking a shower—and cursing himself for not doing so before leaving his house—Melias spent most of the day in a funk, just playing video games. He chatted with Ro online, of course, but it wasn't the same. You couldn't smell a message. You couldn't feel an emoji. He had to tell him how he felt. But how? He workshopped several scenarios in his head, but none seemed right. They were too unrealistic, too fanciful, too optimistic. When the sun had set and Melias crawled under his blankets, he was no closer to an answer.

Sunday was no better, but Monday provided an opportunity: the library. All weekend, he wanted to ask Ro over, but he didn't want to distract him from his assignment.. But the library was routine. From there, perhaps he could invite the human to his room. Or maybe go to Ro's. Melias didn't care. He just wanted to be with him again.

And so, as he sat at his usual table in the library with his beautiful human friend sitting across from him, words did laps around his mind once more. A simple, Hey, want to go back to my room? was all he needed. And yet a vise clamped his beak. Why was it so hard? Why couldn't he just say it?

…And why did Ro look so uncomfortable?

“Are you okay?" Melias asked.

Ro leaned back and forth in his chair. “I'm fine. I'm… I was just wondering…"

Did Melias have room in his body for more anxiety? “Yes?"

“Well, were you d-doing anything this afternoon?"

“No," Melias said, then immediately cringed. Did he sound too eager? Too excited? Was that a normal thing to say?

Whatever Melias was obsessing about, Ro didn't seem to notice as his face erupted into a smile. “Oh! Well, um, I was just thinking… I have my FPGA on me… do you wanna go work on it somewhere?"

“Sure!" Melias said, his heart pounding. “How about my room?"

“Okay!" Ro rocketed to his feet and grabbed his bag. Melias jumped as Ro's chair crashed to the ground. The human leaned over and picked it up. “Eheh, oops…"

Okay, that was looking too excited.

“He's more in love with you than you are with him."

How did Dad always know?

The two set off for Melias' room. Ro didn't so much walk as bounce, and he spoke faster than usual. When they got to his room, Melias knocked on the door a few times, then reached down. Before he could grab the handle, the door opened.

“Hey, Melias!" Xaza's eyes flicked to Ro. “Oh, hi. You Melias' bud?"

Ro took a step behind Melias. “Y-yes, I am. My name is Ro."

“Hey, man," Xaza said, his voice softening. “My name's Xaza. I ain't gonna hurtcha."

Ro stepped next to Melias. “S-sorry. I didn't mean to—"

“I'm not offended. I get it, man." He stepped back into the room. “Don't think ya showed up to chat in the hall. C'mon in."

Melias stepped in, with Ro following close—really close—behind. “You have a game tonight, right?"

“Yep. I'll be outta your feathers in a sec." Xaza looked at Ro. “Outta your… skin? Uhhh, fur? Oh man, speaking of fur…" He stepped toward Ro and raised his arm, then froze as the human recoiled. “Sorry. I just wanted to compare. I won't touch ya."

“Compare what?" Ro asked.

“Our fur colours!"

“Huh? Well, okay…"

Xaza slowly raised his arm next to Ro's head, then whistled. “Whoa! Your fur's oranger than mine! Don't most humans have like, brown or black fur?"

Ro fidgeted and looked away. “Yes, they do…"

The cat slouched. “Aw, sorry, man, I didn't mean to make ya feel bad."

“No, no. It's fine."

“You sure? You can smack me if you want."

Ro looked up, his mouth ajar. “What? No!"

Xaza laughed. “I'm kidding! Okay, if I don't get movin', I'll be late. Probably be back in like two hours? Three? See ya, Melias. See ya, Ro." He winked, then jogged out of the room.

“Doesn't even close the door?" Ro asked, scratching the back of his head.

Melias closed it. “He does that sometimes."

“And you have to share this little room with him? He's so… energetic."

“I've gotten used to him… somehow."

“I don't know if I could ever get used to that. So, uh," Ro said, fidgeting his fingers. “W-which bed's yours?"

Melias pointed. “That one."

Ro ambled to the bed and fell backwards onto it. “Oof, that's not as nice as the bed at your house."

Melias looked away. He wasn't falling for this one again. “Be careful. Don't hurt yourself."

“Aw, Melias, I told you. My chest is feeling a lot better today."

“Right."

They didn't say anything for a few moments. As Melias sat at his desk, Ro started mumbling and grunting.

“So, um."

The crow waited for more, but nothing came. “Yes?"

“Well, just… like, I'm curious. Mmm… privacy?"

That wasn't a question. “What do you mean?"

“Like… you know…"

“I don't."

Ro's voice cracked. “Private… time?"

Melias cocked his head, then realization hit him like a speeding car. He tried to control himself, but his mind was invaded by thoughts of Ro, on his back and stroking his cock, and he suddenly felt like he was in front of an open oven. He cleared his throat then let the words out slowly. “Well, you just… wait until the other guy is gone, I guess."

Ro squeaked. “O-oh, I see."

That should have been the end of the conversation. Melias easily could have changed the subject. But something tickled at the back of his mind. Some urge slowly reached in, corrupted his thoughts, and compelled him to keep going. “I actually walked in on Xaza once… that's why I knock before coming in now."

“Oh god," Ro said, pulling Melias' pillow over his head.

“I think I was more embarrassed than he was."

“Y-yeah, I know how that is."

The pause hung in the air for longer than usual. “I'm sorry again about that," Melias said.

“N-no, it's fine. It's just…"

Part of his mind told Melias to bail out, but that urge continued to egg him on. “It's just what?" His voice sounded strange. More raspy. Like it wasn't even his own.

Ro let out a long exhale and put his hand over his eyes. “It's just… ever since then, I haven't been able to…"

The crow's whole body trembled. He wasn't sure whose pants he wanted to stick his hand into more. “Haven't been able to?"

Ro grabbed two fistfuls of his fur and whispered something too quiet for Melias to hear over the blood pumping through his ears.

The crow walked to his bed and sat next to Ro. “P-pardon?" He was shaking so badly that his friend could probably feel it.

“Fucked up, isn't it?" Ro asked.

Melias gulped. “S-sorry, I didn't hear you the first time." He clenched the bed, poking the tip of his talons into the sheets, trying to steady his hand. It didn't work.

“Oh. I said… I said…" Ro rolled onto his side, away from Melias. “I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. About you… you know…"

Melias' trembling turned into jackhammering. It wasn't too late. He could still get out of this. Let it go. Change the subject. Just don't say… don't say… “What… what do you think about it?"

Ro took a sharp breath and said two words that changed Melias' life. “It's hot."

There it was. All of his suspicions, all of his fears, all of his hopes, confirmed in a single breath. His mind shouted commands at him. Run. Stroke his face. Scream. Touch his groin. Pull his pants off. Pull your pants off. Jump out the window. Tell him you love him.

But before Melias could do anything, Ro hurled the pillow off his face and shot to his feet. “Why did I say that? Okay, fuck, I'm just going to—"

Melias grabbed Ro's arm. Tender words of romance and love danced on the tip of his tongue, but what came out sounded nothing like himself. “What's hot about it?"

Ro's forearm tensed, but Melias didn't need to feel that to know that he just leapt off the building and took the human with him. The voice in his head shrieked at him, telling him to do anything to get to safety, but he didn't. Instead, apparently not satisfied with plummeting toward the ground at terminal velocity, he added a rocket boost. “Does it… excite you?"

“Oh my god, Melias… I… I…"

“Yes?" Lust swirled in Melias' stomach, in his chest, through his veins. The rational mind looked on with helpless horror while the primal mind continued its death drive.

“When I opened the door, it was just… I just… I didn't actually see anything. So I've just been… imagining…"

“What do you imagine?"

Ro opened and closed his mouth several times. “I don't… I don't really…" He pushed his fingers into his eyes and let out a very strained breath. “Sorry, Melias. I… I fucked up, didn't I?" Ro said, sounding close to tears.

The part of Melias that had been frantically banging at the window finally broke through and took control. “S-sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what's gotten into me. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Please, don't—"

It was Ro's turn to grab the crow's arm. He looked into Melias' eyes, shaking like an earthquake. “Melias… I imagine… you and I, in bed…" Ro gulped. “And we're… we're…" He slammed his eyes shut and looked away.

Lust prevailed once more, and Melias slid his arm down to Ro's groin.

Ro gasped and shot up straight.

“I'm so sorry," Melias said. “I'm so s—"

“No, it's… you just… I wasn't expecting that."

“I'll stop—"

“No." Ro let out a throaty moan. “I'm just scared."

“Me too."

“Can you promise you won't judge me?"

“Judge?"

“It's just… I don't look like others… down there."

Melias' brain went into overdrive. He wanted to tell Ro that he was different too, but fear gripped him. The fear of judgment, the fear of rejection, the fear of being hurt. Was Ro feeling those fears too?

Still, one of them would have to go first. And Melias couldn't bring himself to be the one. What could he say? What could he do?

What would Melias want to hear? “I won't hurt you."

Ro whimpered. “Are… are you sure?"

Melias wasn't sure. Now he had two fears, but they were the same as always: being hurt, and hurting others. But he promised himself that he would overcome those fears. He promised. He stared Ro straight in the eyes. “I promise."

“W-well… okay," Ro said. He grabbed his pants, took a deep breath, and pulled them down to his knees, underwear and all. His cock bounced out, and Melias made several observations about it, but they were shoved aside by what was under the penis. Melias' eyes locked on to Ro's taut, well-rounded scrotum. They were there. Right there. He took a few deep breaths as his heart tried to pound through his ribs.

“Don't laugh…" Ro said, his voice soft.

“I'm not," Melias said. “Can I… touch your balls?"

“M… my balls? I… I mean, if you want. Just… watch the talons…”

Melias pushed Ro's penis out of the way with the back of his hand. With his other hand, he palmed the human's scrotum. He was touching his nuts. He was actually touching someone else's testicles. A strained, wobbly moan escaped his throat as he gently wrapped his talons around those wonderful sperm factories, those perfect breeding orbs, those… those…

How much did humans cum? How thick was their cum? How did it taste? How did it smell? Was it white like everyone else's? He hadn't really thought about it, but now he couldn't think of anything else. And he was going to find out. The crow squeezed and juggled the balls even more, then slid to his knees and stuck his beak between the bed and Ro's scrotum, letting the testicles rest on it. The feeling of those majestic spheres against him was more than he had ever dreamed of. He shuddered, unable to handle the wave of arousal that crashed into him as a faint scent wafted into his nostrils. He took a deep breath, and completely lost it. This was the smell of a man. This was the smell of his lover. This was the smell of a hefty sack hard at work to produce the massive load that would paint his cloaca.

“Are… are you sniffing my balls?"

Melias snorted and shook his head back and forth, letting the balls roll over his beak, letting them mark him, letting them claim him. His mouth opened slightly as he jammed his face against them. He licked the scrotum, completely unbothered by the strands of fur rubbing over his tongue. His jaw quivered as he jammed his face harder into the human's groin.

And then, for reasons he would never understand, he bit down.

It was by no means a chomp, but it was enough that Ro yelped and grabbed the top of Melias' beak. “Ow! What the fuck are you doing?"

“S-sorry," Melias said. He knew testicles were sensitive, but he was surprised at the edge in the human's voice. “I didn't know that would hurt."

“Your beak is sharp! You wouldn't want me biting your nuts, would you?"

It was like someone sucked all the air out of Melias' lungs with a vacuum. Now was the time to tell Ro his secret. His whole body went cold and he pulled his head back. “Um… well." He swallowed and seized up. No more words came out. Even the thoughts stopped.

Ro's brow furrowed as he looked away. “Ah… fuck, sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm sorry!"

Melias couldn't say anything. He felt his expression harden, but he couldn't control his facial muscles.

“It just happened—sorry. Sorry, sorry, I—"

A choked noise came out of the bird's throat. His vision went blurry. Say something…

Ro shot to his feet, yanking his pants up as he rose. “I can't do anything right. Sorry, I shouldn't… I'll just…"

Melias quaked with panic. Yep, it had all gone to shit. Just like it always would. All because he was a fucking coward. Oh, sure, Ro overcame his fear. Ro trusted him. But could Melias do the same in return? Of course not. He was too fucked up and broken. And now he was going to chase Ro away. Just like he chased Chekmak away. Just like he chases everyone away.

The tempest inside of him raged, yet on the outside, he remained motionless. He longed so badly to reach out and pull Ro close, to caress his beautiful orange fur, to nuzzle his rosy cheeks, to tell him how much he cared, and to share the truth of his body with him.

But he couldn't.

Ro looked at him, a tear rolling down the side of his face. “Fuck. Fuck! I'm a piece of shit. I'm sorry… you deserve better than me. I… I…."

Melias just stared. His mind screamed like it was buried alive, but nothing came out of his mouth. He just stared.

The human grabbed his bag and ran out of the room, swinging the door shut behind him. Yet Melias still just stared as the slam rattled through the room. The words echoed in his mind.

I'm a piece of shit.

It wasn't just Ro's voice. It was Chekmak's too. Same words. Same reaction. And the one thing they had in common was the same worthless, useless, hopeless bird.

So much for 'I won't hurt you.' So much for 'I promise.'

Melias stood up and tried to walk to the door. After just a few steps, his legs started wobbling. Then his arms. Then his whole body. His breathing sped up as the room began spinning. He tried to take another step, but his legs buckled, and he dropped into a squat, then fell on his side and curled up into a ball.

Why? Why? Why? Why? He rocked back and forth as he hyperventilated. His beak clacked as he trembled. Whether he screamed at his friends or said nothing at all, they all got chased away in the end. His throat burned and his heart pounded so hard that he could hear it.

Was this it? Had the world finally decided to put him in the dirt? This was it. He was dying. He was dying. He didn't want to die. He wanted to be happy. He wanted to figure life out. But he was never going to get that chance. Why? Why did it have to be this way? Why couldn't he just be one of the happy ones?

Every thump of his heart felt like someone smashing him with a sledgehammer. He tried to look around, but the world wouldn't sit still. He felt hands sliding up and down his body, under his clothes, in his pants. “Get off me…" he muttered. He had to escape, to get away, but his arms were wrapped around his knees, talons clasped together in a death grip. “Get off me… get off me… get off me…"

He tried to look around, but everything seemed so bright. The hands ignored his pleas, plucking his feathers as they molested him. “Get off me… please… get off me." His guts felt like they were unravelling. He was going to die, and they were going to find his corpse in the middle of the room, covered in his own shit, piss, and vomit. Words didn't make sense anymore. Nothing made sense. Nothing was real. Life was a dream. Life was a nightmare.

“Hey man, are you okay?"

Melias' whipped his head around. Xaza? Ro? Pop? Dad? No… the voice was his own. It spoke to him gently.

“Aw, man. This really sucks, huh?"

Melias slammed his eyes shut. “Why? Why? Why?"

“It's alright. You'll get through this, okay?" The voice speaking to him in his mind was so different from the strained squawks escaping his beak. It was soft, nurturing, comforting. It spoke so freely, so naturally… not at all like the monotone voice he had used all his life.

“Why? Why am I like this? Why? Why am I so different? Why? Why?"

“You're you. Sometimes, that's all you need to be."

“I'm going to die. I'm going to die. No one will miss me. No one will miss me."

“That's not true. Dad loves you. Pop loves you. Ro loves you. I love you."

Melias' spasming muscles unclenched, the shaking went from violent jolting to subtle shivering, and his heart rate gradually fell to the point where he couldn't hear it pounding in his ears anymore. Control returned to his lungs, and he took a deep breath, holding it in and counting to ten before letting it all out. He opened his eyes and looked around the still-blurry but no-longer spinning room. His head hurt so much. His heart hurt so much.

“See? You're still alive. I knew you could do it."

And then, for the first time he could remember, he started crying.

It started as a sob, but quickly erupted into a wail. Tears poured from his eyes, rolling down his beak and dripping onto the rug as the suppressed emotions of nearly two decades, at long last, forced their way out of his body. He retched and heaved and moaned in agony, completely overwhelmed by his shattered emotions. He cried, and cried, and cried.

For how long, he really didn't know. All he knew is that he did eventually stop. He lay on the floor, motionless and thoughtless. Just existing. Just being. He wasn't Melias. He wasn't a crow. He wasn't alive. He wasn't dead. He just was. Time passed. Maybe it was a minute. Maybe it was a millennium. Was there a difference?

“Melias?!"

He opened his eyes as a pair of orange knees hit the floor next to his head.

“Yo, you okay?"

A paw on his shoulder brought the bird back into the world. He was Melias Kova, and he was on the floor of his dorm room at Port Rozen University. His eyes flicked to the figure's face. That was Xaza, his roommate.

Oh, he asked a question, didn't he? “Yes."

Xaza took a huge breath and put his hand on his chest. “Oh, thank god! What happened?"

Did anything really happen? “Nothing."

The cat looked ready to cry. Was he worried? That felt nice. It felt nice to be worried about. Was that true? Was anything true? Or was truth just an invention of finite creatures?

“Well, what's the deal, man? Why are you on the floor? Your eyes are redder than a stop sign. Were you crying?"

“Yes."

“Let's get you off the floor, okay? Can I grab your hands?"

“Sure."

The cat wrapped his hands around Melias' wrists. “Alright, can ya stand?"

Melias, remembering how to use his arms and legs, slowly pushed himself to his feet as the strong tabby pulled him up. The side of his body that was against the floor burned as the pressure released, and he stumbled over to his bed, half-sitting, half-falling on it. Xaza followed, sitting next to him.

“Shit, dude, you scared me."

“Really?" His voice was a hoarse drone, even more monotone than usual.

“Well, yeah! If you walked in on me lookin' dead on the floor, wouldn't you at least be a little worried?"

Melias stared at the cat. Was he real? He was pretty sure Xaza was real, right? He scrunched his eyes shut as his head throbbed.

“What happened, man? You're not hurt, are you?"

“Uh…"

“Did you hit your head?"

“Don't think so."

“You wanna go to the clinic?"

“I'm not injured."

The cat stretched his legs and leaned back. “Fuck, you coulda fooled me. But like, I'm sorry for being pushy and all, but I gotta make sure you're okay."

“Why?"

Xaza stared at the wall and his eyes seemed to lose focus. He took a while to answer. “Because… I gotta."

“Why?"

He swallowed and looked at Melias. “It's… not a big deal. I don't wanna make things about me right now."

“That's alright. I'm curious." He was? Surprising. And yet it was true. He really did want to know.

Xaza chuckled, but it wasn't very happy sounding. “Wait, really? Sure you didn't hit your head?"

“Yes."

“Ah, okay, well… um. A little bit back, me and some buds were playing some fenceball. You know the rules to that?"

“No."

“Actually, whatever. The rules don't really matter. Long story short, two of my buds ran into each other. Totally normal for fenceball, but one of 'em fell over just as another one was running in. Got kneed right between the eyes. Knocked out cold. Came to a few minutes later with a wicked headache. I thought… maybe he should go to the hospital, or something. But… I didn't say anything. Guess I didn't wanna sound weak or worried."

Listening to Xaza talk was strangely grounding. The world was starting to seem real again.

“Um, anyway… when we were done, I drove him home, since his parents were outta town for the weekend. The whole time, he just seemed so fucked up. Like, his words kept coming out kinda wrong, and the headache was getting worse. I asked if he was okay, but he's all like, 'yeah, dude, I'll be fine.' So I dropped him off and went home. The whole time, my head's telling me that something's not right. But I just…" Xaza took a deep breath and scratched his forehead.

Melias looked down. Even now, he could see where this was going.

Xaza closed his eyes and exhaled. “Anyway, I called him the next morning and he didn't answer. Tchlaxo never went anywhere without that phone… and that stupid ringtone… da-bee-doo-ba-deeeeee-baaaa! I just had a real bad feeling, y-you know? So, I drove over there. Door wasn't locked. I went in, and he was just… on the floor. Just like you were." His voice cracked as he spoke the last sentence. He swallowed and took a strained, shaky breath. “He just… he… his nose… his ears… they were so blue… so cold..." The cat's head dropped. “Why didn't I just listen to my gut?"

Melias watched as the cat's chest started heaving, and the guilt crept in. Xaza had walked in on a corpse once before, and he thought he did again. All because of him. And yet, his usual urge to rip himself apart over it just wasn't there. What mattered was making sure Xaza was okay.

“I'm sorry," he said.

“Nah, man…" Xaza said, his voice squeaking. “Nah, I'm being real selfish right now. Just dumpin' my shit on you when you got your own problems." He sniffled. “Just wish I could tell Tchlaxo that I'm sorry…"

Maybe exhaustion had disinhibited him. Maybe his time with Ro left him craving the touch of another. But only one thing felt right, and Melias slid next to the now-weeping cat and pulled him into a tight embrace.

Xaza rested his head against Melias' shoulder and chuckle-cried. “Hugs now? What's gotten into you?"

“I don't know."

The tabby patted Melias' back. “I appreciate it, man. You're a good dude."

Melias let the compliment bounce off. “I'm sorry I scared you."

Xaza pulled away. “I'm just glad you're okay. You are okay, right? You still didn't tell me why you were on the floor."

“I think I had a panic attack."

Xaza cocked his head as he wiped away a tear. “What? Where'd Ro go?"

“We had a misunderstanding, and he left." Melias sighed. Life was definitely feeling real again. “He's my best friend. I don't want to lose him."

The cat looked at the floor. “No, you really don't," he said, his voice frying.

A twinge of guilt jolted Melias. “Sorry. That was insens—"

Xaza raised his hands. “Ahh, nah, nah, nah. Don't wanna hear about it." He put a paw on Melias' shoulder. “I don't know what happened, but you don't wanna have regrets. I don't want you to have regrets. You're buds, right? You can sort it out." He looked away. “Before it's too late."

Melias closed his eyes. Xaza was right. Ro was his friend—more than his friend. It couldn't end like this. He would not let it end like this.

Xaza stared out the window. “There were a lot of things I wanted to tell Tchlaxo. A lot of things I wanted to apologize for. Maybe even a few apologies I wanted outta him. Ya never know when it'll be too late to say what you wanna say."

Melias stared at the orange tabby as he spoke. He was no good at reading other people, but the deep sadness that dripped from every word would be obvious to anyone. “Xaza… how long ago was this?"

“Mmm… about six months."

Melias gasped. He had been assuming these were old wounds, long scarred over. But they weren't. They were practically still bleeding. “I'm so sorry. You're always so upbeat and positive… I had no idea you were going through this."

Xaza shrugged. “Dwelling on it too much won't bring him back, and I ain't gonna let the past steal the future, you know? It's not easy, and sometimes it gets to me, but I'll be okay." He looked at Melias and smiled. “And then I'll be sad again, and then I'll be okay again, and then I'll be sad again, and then I'll be okay again. It gets a little easier each time."

The crow looked away. Xaza kept surprising him. How was he so strong, able to carry on despite his guilt and grief? And yet, Melias didn't feel his usual envy. Why shouldn't he be able handle his own, much smaller problems just as well? What was stopping him?

“Ugh, I'm sorry to just leave you here, but the only reason I came back was to grab something. I gotta head out. You gonna be okay?"

Melias nodded. “Yes. I'm going to call Ro."

“Perfect. I'll leave ya to it, then. Thanks for this."

“Thanks?"

“Yeah… sometimes it helps to just tell someone, ya know? So, thanks for listening, and thanks for sharing. My ears are always open." He flicked them back and forth. “Good luck, man."

“Thank you."

The cat left the room. Melias fell back on his bed and reached for his phone. He was going to do this.

He had to.