FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

We all want to believe that the world is a safe place. That the strangers we pass by on the street wish us no ill harm, that the motorists whizzing past us are always keeping a vigilant eye out of pedestrians, that help is only a phone call away. Yet the simple fact of the matter is that the world is more dangerous than you or I care to admit. Crooks lurk in the dark corners we often overlook, innocent people go for a walk only to never be seen again, and grifters, conmen, and cryptocurrency enthusiasts seek to lie, trade, and steal the hard earned money money out of your very own pockets. The world is full of dangers, but that thankfully there is one great weapon, one steadfast ally, one impenetrable defense to shield you from the worst of the dangers that threaten the common man. That tool?

Common sense.

To learn how to use common sense let’s take a look at Johnny. Johnny is a young man of nineteen years, nearing the end of his freshman year of college at a local university. He’s bright, peppy, and has a whole life ahead of him. And thankfully Johnny has the greatest weapon against misfortune and untimely fates, a head full of common sense.

All that being said, let’s take a look at how Johnny navigates the many dangers he encounters on a simple walk home. Will he make it to his house safely? Or will he fall prey to some devious plot? Pay attention! As what you are about to see may just save your life.

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The sun is bright and shining, students go about their day in the background, the campus grounds are clean and well maintained. The oaken doors to a building of learning are thrown open and a young man in a university cardigan steps into the sweet outside air. His boyish face is clean shaven and rosy cheeked, without peeking at his drivers license you may think him to be a high school freshman rather than a college freshman. With a bundle of heavy textbooks under his arm he looks around and takes a deep breath.

“Golly, sure is a nice day out!” He says with a smile to no one.

He shuffles the books under his arm and looks behind him to see his professor exit the same building. The professor takes a pipe out of his mouth and waves over.

“Hello Johnny, I hope you’ve been busy with your paper these past couple weeks. It makes up most of your final grade.”

Johnny looks to him with a smile.

“Don’t worry about that Mr. Brand! I finished it yesterday.”

Mr. Brand laughs.

“Already done? But it’s not due for another three weeks!”

“I started work on it as soon as it was assigned, just trying to do my best sir!”

“Well you’re certainly highly motivated. That’s good to see in a student as young as yourself! Out of curiosity, what was your total word count? Remember Johnny, my rubric says you need at least thirty thousand words for full credit.”

“No need to worry Mr. Brand, my first draft is at ninety seven thousand five hundred and twenty one, but that isn’t including references or the glossary.” He cheerfully answers.

The professor’s smile dims.

“I…look forward to grading it.” He looks downward and strokes his chin. “Note to self, put a maximum word limit on the next rubric. And buy another bottle of scotch.” He whispers to himself.

“What was that professor?”

The professor smiles and waves him off.

“It was nothing my boy! Now go on, your mother may get anxious if you aren’t home in time for supper!”

“Oh geez you’re right Mr. Brand, I wouldn’t want to make her worry. I’ll see you on Monday!”

“See you then!” The professor replies.

Johnny awkwardly shuffles the books under his arm and turns to the sidewalk, starting his walk home. With the afternoon sun rapidly dipping below the horizon he makes his way past the edges of campus and onto main street, passing all manner of small businesses and establishments.

Suddenly, there’s a loud roar from behind and a scarlet red muscle car barrels down the street, the deafening rumble from its engine filling the air. As it nears Johnny the driver stomps on the brakes and the hotrod comes to a screeching halt. The heavily tinted window rolls down and Johnny’s met with the face of a leather jacketed German Shepard woman. A large scar goes across her right eye and a cigarette hangs from her muzzle, its cherry red tip pulsating as she breathes. Her lips curl into a smile and she rests an arm on the door.

“Hey pup, wanna take a ride in my car? It’s really fast. I rebuilt the engine yesterday.”

She spits her cigarette on the ground and Johnny flinches in response before quickly extinguishing it with his shoe.

“A-and why would I want to do that?” He asks, lips quivering in fear of the strange woman.

The dog’s smile grows a little darker.

“Don’t you want to live a little? I have some beer in the back. I can speed you over to someplace…intimate…and we can share a few beers. I’ll even let you drive it if you want, I took her past 120 on the highway, you’re going to love the way she roars.”

Johnny’s timidness dissipates as he straightens his back and reshuffles his textbooks.

“120? There’s no highway in this country where the speed limit is that high! You broke the law!”

The dog’s eyebrows wrinkle in confusion.

“Ya? So? It’s not like I got caught.”

“Whether you got caught or not it’s morally reprehensible to commit a crime.” Johnny leans forward and sticks his head through the window. “And just look at that! You aren’t wearing your safety belt! Everyone needs to wear their safety belt when they’re operating a motor vehicle lady, you ought to know that.” He turns his head to the back seat. “Oh my gosh! And you weren’t joking about the beer either. Have you been drinking and driving lately?”

The dog grabs him by the hair and shoves his head out of her car.

“Get out of my face you jerk!” She yells with a mean snarl. “You’re a total square, you know that? A total fucking narc, no fun at all. Go play chess with all your loser friends ya nerd!”

She flips him the bird as she drives off. Johnny tidies up his hair with a sigh.

“What an unpleasant woman. I hope she makes it to wherever she was going safely.” He says to himself.

Undeterred, Johnny continues his trek through main street. He whistles a whimsical tune as he passes building after building, eventually ending up in a lower income part of town. The sidewalk turns cracked and stained, the walls are littered with graffiti, and dark alleyways filled with unsavory individuals sit between every building. As he passes one such alley a smoky, sultry voice calls for him from the shadows.

“Hey there big man, you looking to have a good time?”

Johnny pauses as a poodle woman emerges from the darkness. Her fur is bone white and poofy, a low cut pink dress covers her body and accentuates her sizable bust. The dress stops at her upper thighs with black fishnet stockings going the rest of the way down to her high heels. Both her wrists bear gaudy golden bracelets, they jingle as she brings her hands to her hips, a smirk on her muzzle.

“I said, you wanna have a good time?” She says, stepping closer.

Johnny steps back and brings his books up to his chest, subconsciously trying to put something in between him and the lustful woman.

“You wanna-you mean-you actually-want to-to do the-you know-the-” He starts and stops, too frazzled from the sight of the barely dressed poodle to get a single sentence out.

She leans down and smiles.

“Ya kid, I'm talking about the down and dirty. Ya know, a little wrestling under the covers? Your parents have given you the talk about the birds and the bees, right?” She cocks an eyebrow, briefly wondering if maybe her target was a little too wet behind the ears for her offer to have any effect.

“You mean s-s-s-sex?” He stammers and takes another step back, averting his gaze in shame.

She slowly nods her head up and down, speaking slowly as if he may be dull.

“Yaaa, sex. You give me some dough and I give you a good time. Anything you want for however long you want, within reason of course. And don’t worry if you got a girlfriend, I'm good at keeping secrets.”

Johnny shakes his head and stares into empty space.

“No offence lady, but I’m not ready for marriage.” He finally says, bringing his eyes up to her own.

The poodle pauses, dumbfounded.

“…what? This some sort of roleplay thing?”

“No I’m being serious, sex before marriage is immoral. I’m saving myself for my true love. I want my first time to be on the wedding bed, me and my beloved wrapped each other as we consummate our marriage and shed our virginities together. I’m sorry, but I believe that sex is something special that should only be shared between two adults who truly love each other. Reducing it to part of a monetary transaction is unethical, sinful even, and I refuse to take part in any such transaction.”

There’s a silence as the poodle takes in this information, then raucous laughter as she realizes he’s being serious. The poodle laughs and laughs, eventually having to put her hands on her knees as she almost doubles over. Eventually her laughing is mixed in with dry coughing as her throat dries out and she falls to the ground, paws held to her stomach as she continues to chortle and whoop at the silly human.

Feeling that he had made his point clear Johnny fast walks away from the alley, the poodle’s laughter fading into the distance as he nears his humble neighborhood. He breathes a sigh of relief as he sees the white picket fences and well-groomed lawns appear in his vision. Yet, there’s something strange up ahead. Parked on a small gravel lot just before the entrance to his neighborhood is a dirty red van with ‘FREE CANDY!’ hand painted on the side. The engine is quiet and the driver’s seat appears to be empty so Johnny hopes he can simply pass by it without incident.

Yet just as he gets close the door slides open and a coyote lady hops out the side. She’s dressed in a bra and shorts and her fur is a splotchy mix of tan, brown, and gray. The coyote grabs a collapsible chair and deploys it next to the van, waving Johnny over.

“Hey! Hey dude! Come over here! I got something you want!”

Johnny pauses, squinting as he looks the coyote over.

“Why? What do you have?” He shouts over.

She points to the inside of the van.

“I’ve got candy in the back of my van here. I accidentally bought too much so I'm giving it away for free. You can have some if you want!”

Johnny begins slowly walking over.

“What do you have? I’m allergic to peanuts so my options are kind of limited.”

She hops in the van and waves him closer.

“Oh man I got so many varieties I'm sure you’ll find something you’ll like! Just come in here take a look!”

He stops a few feet from the van.

“I-I don’t think that’s a good idea. I'm not supposed to get into vehicles with strangers.”

She reappears in front of the door and puts her arms on her hips.

“Come on! Just hop up here and see what I got! I’m not going to stand here for the next ten minutes listing off all the stuff I have when you can just hop in the back and look for yourself.”

He shakes his head and takes a step back.

“But, like, why do you have so much candy in the first place? How do you accidentally buy so much?”

She scratches an ear in thought.

“Uhhh, I run a business. I sell candy out of my van. It’s real profitable too, all those young guys like you just love buying the stuff. I accidentally added an extra zero when I ordered my newest shipment so that’s why I have so much candy, ya, that’s it.”

“That’s no way to run a business!” He looks over her van. “You don’t even have any advertisements on your vehicle aside from that hand painted sign. What’s your business called anyway?”

“It’s, uhh, The…Coyote…Candy…Company.” She ends with a quickly added smile.

“Then shouldn’t you put that on your van?”

“I’ve been busy you little jerk, haven’t had any time to.”

“Has your van been inspected by the health department? I don’t see any stickers. And did you get your business permit? Do you do all your accounting yourself or do you hire someone for that? Who are your suppliers? Maybe they would be willing to buy back some of your excess inventory.”

The coyote huffs in frustration and stomps a paw on the floor, her van rocking from the impact.

“Stop asking so many damn questions! It’s a perfectly legitimate business okay? That’s all you need to know. Now get in here and help me clear out some of this candy before it all goes bad!”

Johnny recoils at her sudden outburst before regaining his bearings.

“Well…do you have twizzlers?”

“Of course I do!” She fires back.

He begins to move towards her van as the coyote licks her lips.

“Well why didn’t you say so! I love twizz-“

*VRRRRRR SCREEEEEEECH*

Both of them look at the loud sound to see a scarlet red muscle car come to a sudden stop near the van. The door slams open and the German Shepard from before steps out. She spits her cigarette out on the gravel and stomps up to the van.

“Hey! Do you know that guy? What do you think you’re trying to do you little thieving yote!”

“He came up to me fair and square!” The coyote shouts back. “If he wants to get inside my creepy van then that’s his decision. Now get back into your rust bucket and go find your own humie to diddle!”

“Rust bucket?! I ought to pull your ears off for that!”

“Wha-“ Says Johnny, stepping back as the two canines get into a heated shouting match.

He turns around only to come face to breast with the poodle woman from the alley. She leans down and strokes his chin.

“Look at those uncivilized mongrels arguing over there. Why don’t you come with me and we can have some alone time together. I’ll even give you a discounted rate sweetie, my special treat.”

She gives him a toothy smile and Johnny begins walking backwards, only to trip on a rock and fall. His books hit the ground and the other two canines look over, newfound scowls on their faces.

“Hey! What are you doing over here you poofy haired whore?” Shouts the Shepard. “Trying to slink away with him behind our backs? He’s mine!”

“Ya you hussy! You weren’t even smart enough to lure him in with candy! You don’t deserve him!” Says the coyote.

The three canines begin arguing over poor Johnny, the air filled with growls, barks, and spit. Johnny closes his eyes and curls up into the fetal position, wishing this was all a bad dream. Suddenly the air grows quiet and Johnny looks up. The three canine women have their ears perked up and turned to the street, hearing something that his human ears have yet to pick up.

“Shit! Scram girls!” Shouts the coyote as she runs back to her van.

The Shepard gets back into her muscle car and the engine roars to life. The tires spin against the gravel as she makes a run for it, soon followed by the coyote in her van. The poodle woman jogs away from the scene before settling into a casual saunter, going for the ‘nothing to see here’ approach to stealth.

Johnny leans up as he finally picks up what the three women heard earlier. The sound of a police siren echoes in the distance before its source finally appears from around a corner, the black and white cruiser coming to a stop on the gravel lot. The door is thrown open and a tall wolfess steps out, surveying the scene through her aviator shades. The officer’s uniform is taught against her well-muscled body. She makes her way to Johnny, the mass of gray fur soon towering over him.

“Hey kid, you alright?” She asks, lowering her shades.

“Y-ya.” He shakily responds.

She reaches a paw down and helps him stand up.

“I got a report of a human about to be molested around here. I'm guessing it was you?”

He shakes his head.

“Yes, a coyote, a German Shepard, and a poodle all hassled me on the way home. I thought I was a goner before you showed up!”

She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.

“No need to worry anymore kid, this wolfess has got your back. Would you like a ride home? You never know if those three miscreants could show up again.”

“Absolutely!”

She smiles at his response.

“Good, just hop in the back and we’ll be off.”

Johnny gathers his books and takes a seat in the rear of the cruiser. Once he’s seated she begins driving towards his neighborhood.

“Oh boy am I glad you arrived when you did. Those three mutts were arguing about who should get to molest me first. I don’t even want to think about the terrible things that might have happened if they were allowed to carry out their evil plans.” Says Johnny.

“I'm not surprised. Around this time of the year is when canine anthros enter their heat. Makes ‘em go crazy sometimes with all those hormones flooding their brains. If all three of them took turns with you then you then you might have died from dehydration. Believe me, it’s happened quite a few times to vulnerable young guys like you. They go outside for a walk and bam! They’re never seen again, there one moment and gone the next.”

Johnny gulps.

“B-but thankfully I won’t have to worry about that now that I’m in your care.”

The wolfess chuckles.

“True, you won’t have to worry about getting raped by those mangy mutts now that I'm here.”

She continues to drive through his neighborhood, passing house after house until eventually Johnny sees his own come into view.

“Officer my house if just over there! On the left. You can just drop me off on the-” He cuts himself off as she rolls past his house. “Hey! You missed it!”

“I know.” She coldly replies.

A few houses down she enters a driveway and presses a button clipped to the sunshade. The garage door rattles open and the she rolls into the dim space, pressing the button again to close the door behind them. Johnny looks around in a panic.

“Officer this isn’t my house. I don’t know what you’re doing but-“

The wolfess gets out of the driver’s seat and walks to the rear, sitting in the seat next to Johnny. She clicks the remote to lock the doors then leans over, coming nose to nose with him.

“There’s a few things you should know before I start. First of all, don’t resist. My heat’s coming on really bad and if I get a little too excited I may make some permanent marks on you. Number two, don’t bother screaming. I live alone and nothing’s getting past those garage doors. Number three, do you like cookies?”

Johnny feels his mouth go bone dry as he realizes his folly.

“W-what kind of cookies?”

The officer leans in and licks her lips.

“Wolf cookies!”

She throws herself forward and tackles Johnny in the rear of the cruiser, tearing his clothing off with tooth and claw.

“No! No please! I was saving myself for marriage! That underwear was expensive! No! No! Ahhh!”

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Sorry Johnny, but it looks like instead of your mother’s meatloaf you’ll be having milk and cookies for supper.

Our boy Johnny almost made it home, but in this dangerous world all it can take is one little slip up to cause everything to come crashing down. His mistake? Talking to a police officer without a lawyer present. If Johnny had simply exercised good common sense and remained silent when confronted by the police officer then his forced participation in her cookie eating contest could have been avoided. Remember folks, the fifth amendment protects your right to remain silent. If Johnny had kept his mouth closed then he would be eating a very different dinner tonight.