FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Leo didn’t usually take the shopping trips on a Saturday. It was infinitely easier to swing around a shopping center after work and head back home. Though with the Missy-ness that happened yesterday... He needed something of a break, to say the least. Was that fair to Missy? Probably not, but he was a person too. Not just a caretaker to make sure she didn’t die of boredom. What better way to unwind than a drive? He considered driving around a little mindlessly, but with an increasingly grey sky, he didn’t want to deal with idiot drivers either. No, just go straight for the store, he figured.

As much as he might’ve enjoyed the exercise, he didn’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the parking lot, groceries in hand. Leo managed to snag a spot around the front, and headed on in.

It was an odd feeling, being tossed right back into a crowd like this. Right in the middle of a busy store, even at this hour. A reminder that people existed outside of television and movies. Also a reminder that his day to day life was a little more weird than the average. How many people here had a Wolficus? Heck, how many people here had seen anything out of the blue like her? He understood there was probably something amazing about it. Something to shake up his life. He didn’t really need that.

Leo retrieved a cart, wiped it down, and headed off to replenish his stock of food. He occasionally glanced at his phone for the list, but by this point he had cemented it in his mind. Vegtables, meats, some cheeses. Bread, of course. Needed some cereal too for those quick mornings. Snacks. Snacks? Right, Missy did ask for something like that. Leo came to a stop, pulling him out of his robotic journey. Missy could probably handle some dairy. A small amount. Yet, what else couldn’t she eat that he didn’t know? How could he even find out without some horrible eating experiment? She would probably love that, but his own stomach would probably protest.

Whenever you’re unsure about something, just look it up, right? Leo pulled out his phone and made sure he was out of the way. What can dogs not eat? No, wait, cat? Leo shook his head. He decided to just go for both. At random he chose a list and read through it. Chocolate, of course, but no doubt Missy chowed on those before. Same with ice cream. Onions? He froze. He had given her onions with a sandwich. “Anemia and collapsing,” he mumbled. No, she definitely hadn’t experienced any of those. Phew. He glanced up at the frozen treats across from him. Vanilla pudding could be something nice for her, or for himself too, really. Knowing Missy, she might want something to sink her teeth into. Tear chunks out of. In a way he could agree, just without the messiness of it.

While he scrolled through all the animal poisons, that thought wondering just what Missy was came back to his thoughts. A pointless endeavor to try and guess, yet he came back to it every time. She’d probably love that fact. A part of him wondered if she was actually some sort of demented form of human. She could be like one of those old myths. Mole people. That only brought up the question of how they split off into a breeding populace and how they’ve survived this long. Better yet, they could be some closely related but separate species to humans. Leo tossed those thoughts out. It wasn’t the proper time to think about speculative evolution. It was snack time. He was about to pocket his phone when he received a call.

Leo looked at the screen. Wait, that was him. The picture was the one Missy— He forced his phone against his chest. She used that goddamn picture for Skype too? He shook his head. Nobody would have noticed the fuzzy arm around his neck. Just relax. He answered the call. “Missy, didn’t I tell you not to call me?” he said.

“Well! Hello to you too!” Missy replied.

“You heard me.” He glanced around the store.

“Yeah, I did. You never told me not to call you, Lion. You only said not to touch your laptop. Lap. Top. Calling is free game.”

“Alright, fine, but did you have to use that picture too?”

“I cropped it, don’t worry. It’s only your pretty face.”

“Fine, I really don’t want to have this conversation right now.” Especially not when he might seem insane for doing so. “What do you want?”

“Just wanted to talk while you were out. It’d be kinda like I was there. Cool, huh? Hey, can you switch on video?”

“I am not doing that.”

“Alright, OK, just thought I’d ask,” she said. “Any good, tasty stuff there?” This might actually be useful.

“Is there anything that didn’t agree with you when you ate it?”

“I feel like we’ve been over this.”

“It’s important, Missy,” Leo replied.

“Aww, my good friend still looking out for me.”

“Right. So, anything?”

“No, not really. Oh, I know, how about you tell me what you see and I’ll give you a Missy seal of approval? Trademark.” Leo supposed that made some sense.

“Alright, how about vanilla?”

“Good stuff! Approved.”

“OK.” He retrieved a few packs of pudding. “How about chips?”

“No duh chips are OK. Do they have pretzels? I love those.” Not a bad choice. Been a while since he had some of those. Two big bags of pretzels in the cart.

“You have to make sure you don’t eat all of those, alright?”

“I’m not gonna do that,” Missy said.

“I know you will. Pace yourself.”

“What do you mean ‘you know?’ “

“I know you.” Just as Leo said that, another shopper stopped nearby.

The shopper shook his head with a smile and said, “Wives, eh?”

Leo could only give the man an awkward nod and let him continue on his way. “Is there anything specific you want?” Leo asked Missy.

“It’s no fun if you just ask me.”

“I don’t have time for twenty questions right now.”

“Gotta get back home to see me. I know how it is.” Missy giggled. “How about some crackers?”

“Just crackers? Nothing else?” Leo scanned the aisles.

“Oh, no, no, no. You know what? Lunchables. Get me like, ten of those with the turkey!”

“Alright, fine.” One of the few things he never imagined buying after turning thirteen. He piled some of those prefabricated things into the cart and the crackers as well. It had been a while since he had some. They’d be a good shake up for the inevitable movie and popcorn situation. “I’ll be home soon.”

“Oh, should I get ready or something?”

“Sure. Get ready to put up the groceries.”

“That’s not what I—” Leo hung up and placed the phone back in his pocket. Back to the shopping. All the rest of the essentials. Water, shampoo, some candy, all the condiments he needed, and several other things to get him through the day. Soda caught his eyes as he walked through the store. He supposed one bottle of the sugary drug wouldn’t kill her. Leo pulled out one random soda that was cherry flavored, and one fruit juice for himself as a treat. What was a drink without something to pair it with? Leo pulled into one of the many checkout lines and stared hard at the candy. Chocolate bar or hard candy. The hardest part of shopping. After much deliberation, Leo settled on a chocolate bar and tossed it on the conveyor along with the other items. Oh what the heck, Missy could have some candy too. He tossed a packet of some hard candy on the line.

Leo pulled up to the register. “Hey there, it’s the bi-annual haul, huh?” a vaguely familiar voice said. Leo looked up from the price readout to the employee in front of him. Oh right, her. He looked to her nametag. Maribelle, right. A bagger began quietly loading groceries into his cart.

“Yeah, bi-annual sounds about right,” Leo replied, putting on a smile.

“Got some new stuff in here. Shaking things up?”

“Something like that.” Leo didn’t realize how embarrassing it looked for a grown man to buy ten Lunchables. “Something to snack on between exercising. I’m sure you have some little treat to reward yourself, right?”

“Ooh, no, no, I can’t.” The cashier chuckled. She tilted her head to swing her bangs around. “Self-control isn’t in my vocab, you know?”

“Yeah, I’m sure you can see I’m sort of the same way,” he replied as the candy came down the line.

“You’re looking great, though,” Maribelle said

“Just have to keep working at it.”

“Gonna have to tell me your secret some day.”

Leo shook his head. “Give me a few more years when I’ve bagged myself a wife, then I can start selling it.”

“I’ll start saving up then. There’s your total. See you a few months!”

“Right. Have a good day.” Leo turned to the bagger. “Same to you.” Ugh, he probably would have to come sooner if Missy kept the rate of consumption up. Leo scurried off with his cart before anyone else vaguely recognized him.

_

“I’m home,” Leo said as he trudged through the front door. He set the bundles of groceries down on the floor.

Missy hopped off the couch and said, “Jeez buddy, no need to show off. I know you’re already Mr. Universe.” She picked up some bags. “You looked like a camel carrying that stuff, heh.

“Where are you going with those?”

“Uh, you said to put up groceries, right?”

“Right.” Surprisingly she took that seriously. He hefted some bags up after a short rest and went to work on organizing everything. “You know where stuff goes, right?”

“I only looked into the fridge like, a thousand times.” He should’ve seen that coming. She quickly put everything in the right spot. Not relatively cleanly, but they could work on that. “What about the candy?” She held up the two sugary packages.

“You get the Skittles.” Leo bent down and dug through another bag, pulling free some concentrated caffeine. “And this.”

Missy swiped the bottle from his hand and set down the candy bar. “Yes! That’s what I was talking about. Some good stuff.” Before Leo could interject, she tore open the candy with her teeth and downed a few of them.

“Could you save that until after we’re done putting everything away?” Missy chewed with a happy hum and eventually nodded. She returned to her work, but of course had to pop one more candy first. “Make sure you put the vegetables in the containers down at the bottom.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” She picked up another bag. “Oh man, you got the super huge big bags of pretzels too. What a bro!”

“Again, pace yourself,” Leo replied as he stowed away groceries.

“I know. I know. So d’ya have fun at the store?”

“No? I don’t go to the store to have fun.”

“You sure? You haven’t been going out for walks lately. Thought the store might be for fun.”

“It’s not like you want to go on walks, and I don’t trust you alone.”

“I do wanna go on walks, just uh, haven’t been in the mood, you know? Definitely soon.” Probably something fog related. She stopped and widened her eyes. “I have an idea!”

Leo slowed. “And what would that be?”

“We could get walkie-talkies!”

“You didn’t like the idea when I suggested it.”

“Yeah but when you said it you were being mean.” Missy gave Leo a playful hit on the shoulder.

“Alright, why would you want them now?”

“So I can be with you everywhere you go!”

“Oh yeah, I totally won’t seem insane chattering to you as I walk through the woods.” He placed the last of the food in the fridge and began collecting the plastic bags.

“Yeah, like you really care what other people think of you.”

Leo pursed his lips. “I do when they think I might be dangerous. Imagine what they’ll think if they hear you.”

“They’ll think, ‘gosh, that lady on the radio sure sounds cute, I wanna meet her.’ “

“Or wonder why you’re going on about monster movies with disgusting detail.”

“That would only make them want me more. Guys love girls who are into horror movies.” She looked at Leo. “I guess not you. Starting to wonder if you are human.”

Leo retrieved his treat and ripped it open. “Maybe I’m something scarier than you.”

“No way! Nothing is scarier than Missy.”

“Please, don’t refer to yourself in the third person.”

The woman downed a few more candies. “Missy does what Missy wants or Missy might get angry.”

“Missy might have to do more chores if Missy throws a fit.”

“Fine, fine. I don’t like sounding stupid anyways.”

“You sure about that?”

“Oh, shut up.” She unscrewed the cap on her drink by biting down onto it and turning it.

“Don’t do that either. You don’t know where that’s been.”

“OK, fine, I won’t.” She sighed and fluttered her eyes. “But only because you care.” Leo bit into his candy bar. The first ray of light in his day. Chocolate. “You know, it’s kinda funny.”

Leo swallowed. “What?” Something stupid, no doubt.

“Seeing you eat candy. You’re always about making your own stuff to eat with super duper healthy organic ingredients straight from locally sourced farms.”

“I think you’re giving me too much credit there. Organic stuff isn’t worth the extra cash anyways.” He bit into more of the candy before she tried to take it for herself. It seemed likely.

“Yeah but like, you exercise too.” She wolfed down more Skittles.

“So? You can’t exercise and have a treat too?”

“More like uh, exershishing people alwaysh freak out about that shtuff.”

“Swallow first.”

Missy complied. “You know what I said.”

“I’m not on a diet or anything like that. I only keep myself fit.”

“Just like me!” As if to destroy her point, Missy tilted her head back and poured the last of her candy into her mouth.

“Almost wish I got you the sour kind just to see your face scrunch.”

“Wouldn’t happen, I love the sour ones. The sweet ones taste weird though.”

“The sweet ones are more for variety.” Leo leaned against the kitchen table. “Just to switch it up every now and again. A treat of a treat.”

“You’re a conna-zooer huh?”

“You really need to look up words before you say them.” Leo finished the last of his candy bar and instantly felt disappointed that it was gone.

“Nah, it makes me cute, don’t it?” She smiled and tilted her head in a way that only a twenty something monstress could. “Don’t it?”

“I’m sure someone somewhere on this planet might think that.” He crumpled up the wrapper, trashing it.

“I can’t believe you’re just gonna toss that out.”

“What else am I gonna do with it?”

“You gotta lick the wrapper to get all the goodies off it!”

Leo winced. “That’s for pudding, not chocolate bars. Maybe expensive chocolate, but not shopping mart stuff.”

“That’s ‘cause you don’t have a tongue like mine.” She lolled her tongue out, exposing its full length. Leo had known for a long time how huge her tongue was, but it still sent a shiver down his spine. It punctuated her already demented smile. “Ah? Ah? Beff thung oh wha?”

“Yes, you have the better tongue. You really don’t have to show it off.” Just stop it, please.

Missy closed her mouth and let the fleshy appendage slither back in what looked like a snake. Or maybe more like a noodle of spaghetti. Yeah, that sat a little better with his mind. Fleshy, pink spaghetti. “But I wouldn’t mind super expensive chocolate for my next birthdaaaaay,” she said.

“I’ll consider it.” Mostly for his sake. That didn’t sound like a terrible idea. “European chocolate?”

“Is there a difference? Ah, right, conno-zooer. Forgot.”

“Connoisseur.”

“See, you can just tell me everything. No need to look ‘em up.” She spun around and opened the fridge.

“What are you doing?”

“All this talk about candy’s got me hungry again.”

“None of that stuff is cold yet. Get something from the cupboards.” He opened one and pulled out the pretzels again. Undoing all that hard work already. It was Missy time alright. “These are the best I’ve had in a long time too.”

“I’m too thirsty for salty pretzels.”

“I got you that coke, put it to good use.”

Missy closed the fridge. “Alrighty then, if I gotta. What’re we gonna watch?”

“What?”

“Ya know, we get treats and something to watch with ‘em.”

“I haven’t even had breakfast yet.” Or a shower, for that matter. The feeling of uncleanliness was getting to him.

“Me too.”

“Maybe that’s OK with you, but not me.”

“Alright, alright, why don’t you have breakfast while we watch something?” She held up the bag. “I get the pretzels and the coke.”

“I need to take a shower before I sit on a couch and fester, alright?”

“Fiiine. I need a shower too. We can take one together real quick and then get to our movie.”

“That’s not happening, alright?”

“We’re buddies, compadres, I’ve seen you naked before.”

“When we were children.” He hoped.

“Y’know, it’s a normal thing for people to help bathe each other in other countries.”

“Until this stops being America, I couldn’t care less about what happens in other countries.” Leo took his leave while he could. Straight off to the bathroom.

“OK! Well! I’ll be waiting for you!”

“You don’t have to.”

_

“Let me help you with that,” Missy said.

“How are you going to help with cooking eggs?” Leo replied. He scrambled the yolk in a bowl.

“I’m the lady of the house. It’s my job ain’t it?”

“You sure didn’t think that before.” He sprinkled some salt and pepper in. Not too much. “I’d say you’re more like the dog of the household.”

Missy exaggerated a gasp. “No way. I’m better than some smelly dog. I’m a lady.”

“Really? You seem to either be a scary monster or a very proper lady. Make up your mind.” Leo poured the scrambled yolk into the pan. Perfect.

“There’s nothing saying I can’t be both.”

“Usually monster implies ravenous, feral, and bloodthirsty.” Which made him briefly wonder what Missy might’ve looked like had she not been... adopted in the way she was. How did that happen, anyways? Could be she was left in a little basket at the doorstep of the Swanson’s. Fairy tale indeed.

“I’m not feral. Maybe a little bloodthirsty.” Her tongue darted out with an audible slurp. “Ravenous? I think that means my looks!”

“Ravishing. The word is ravishing.”

“Why, thank you.” Leo rolled his eyes. She had to have done that on purpose. “Just the boost I needed this morning.”

“So have you decided yet? Woman or monster?”

“Well, if it’s just gonna be us. Why can’t I be both?”

“I’d rather not have something bloodthirsty and feral in my home, alright? I like being alive.” He poured out the cooked eggs onto a plate, next to some already cooked bacon. “Not looking to reenact any horror movies here.” Missy added a fork and a knife to the plate. “Thank you.”

“Guess I can be a woman for a while.” She followed Leo over to the couch with a bowl of pretzels. “Ya know, when they always got those ladies in old movies with the long dresses and they’re baking?”

“Yeah? What about them?” Leo turned on the television. It was habit now.

“That always looked fun. Sorta. I dunno about being all weird and smiley, or like being a house slave.” As if she wasn’t weird and smiley.

“You mean a housewife?”

“Yeah!” She crunched on some pretzels. “Zero cares in the world but you still get to do something.”

“You already do that.” Leo handed the remote off to Missy. “What do you have to worry about?”

“Welllllll, I have to worry about being found out. I have to worry about other people other than you. I have to worry about the woods ‘cause there’s bears.” She held up three spindly fingers. A fourth one started to uncurl but stayed put. “Yeah, just those. Plus I don’t bake.”

“You could bake. I have the oven for it.”

“No, no, no. Then I’ll have to get those weird haircuts and wag fingers at kids and I’d have to stop getting off too ‘cause that’s against the Bible or something.”

“Yeah.” Leo cut into his meal. “Something like that.” He took a bite of bacon. Just what he needed to wash away the idea of Missy starring in a terrible 50’s sitcom. Complete with bobcut. It was probably a little weird how often his mind was willing to indulge those thoughts. “What are we watching?”

“And I’d have to only ever be called by my last name. Can you imagine everyone calling me Ms. Davis?”

“No, I really cannot ever fathom such a situation.” His sanity wouldn’t take it. “Now what are we watching?”

Missy sighed. “I dunno, how about we watch Walker Texas Ranger? Chuck Norris is still relevant, right?” She clicked on the show and started it up. Leo had vaguely recalled seeing this when he was younger, when broadcast television wasn’t a zombie.

“Not really, but sure, go right ahead,” Leo said. Some nostalgia couldn’t hurt, even vaguely muddled nostalgia.

“I think we used to watch this together on one’a those big CRTs. Remember those?”

“I remember the CRTs, sure.”

“And they had wicked static electricity too. New TV’s are all smooth and lame. We used to love putting our hands on the screen and zzzzzzap each other.” She prodded at Leo with a finger. “I miss when you were more fun.”

“I’m still fun, you just don’t realize it.”

“Being mean isn’t fun.”

“Says you.” He looked at the screen. There was a funny sense of familiarity worming its way through him. CRT, couch, stuffy air, munching on breakfast bars, thinking about how cool being an adult would be. A warm blanket of nostalgia. It was a simpler time, but that didn’t mean it was a better time. “I do kinda remember that,” Leo said. It almost felt like he was there for the briefest moment. He snapped back to his food and took a few more bites. No need to dwell on that.

Missy leaned over and rested her arm on Leo’s shoulder. “Good times, huh?” He considered moving away but he didn’t need one of her annoyed whines interrupting his food. “I know I haven’t changed, or more like my life hasn’t changed, but I still kinda miss that stuff.” She looked up at him. “Do you?”

“Maybe a little bit.” Leo shrugged.

“Not gonna say anything other than that?”

“Is there much more to say? I kind of miss it. That’s how I feel.”

“Yeah but you always talk like that unless you wanna be mean. All mysterious and simple. You can talk to me. I’ll listen.”

“Previous experience says otherwise,” Leo replied. He took another bite.

“See, like that. You just can’t say somethin’. Like you’re hiding away behind being all tough and mean.”

“Alright, fine. I miss it a little but I don’t miss being bossed around and told what to do.”

“See? Was that so hard?” Missy put a finger over his lips. “And you don’t need’ta say ‘very,’ OK?”

“Please don’t put your hands on my lips. Especially not while I’m eating.” Leo rubbed his mouth against his sleeve.

“I washed my hands.”

“Still, it’s rude.”

“Whatever. Now that you’re opening out of your mean ol’ shell, is there anything else you wanna say?” She smiled.

“You really need that shower.”

“Maybe I need to get a crowbar and pry you out.” She nuzzled into him, rubbing her head into his neck.

“Easy, Missy, I’m eating. Come on.” The woman pulled away but her arm lingered. “Just watch the show. You’re the one who wanted to.”

“No, I wanted to watch something together. That’s the important part. I can watch whatever whenever.”

“You’re sounding like a commercial now.”

Missy sighed and chuckled. “Jeez, why do I even try?” Leo could very much ask himself the same thing. On top of simply being amusing, he supposed it was just an innate reaction to her. The desire to be uninvolved as possible. At this point it was impossible, however, and he knew just how much Missy would hammer him on that. He supposed there should be some credit afforded to her for trying to open him up, as much as he disliked it instinctively. Missy had already barged into his life and become a permanent fixture to his side. Not agonizing as it had once been. Would it have been better or worse if she just silently did as she was told and stayed out of his way? On some level he had to admit that would be worse, much worse, but he certainly craved it at times.

After finishing his breafkast, Leo stood up. “What? You’re going already?” Missy asked.

“I’m done eating.”

“Don’t you wanna finish the episode? It’s not even close to done.”

“Can I at least put up my plate?”

“Oh, well, yeah, I guess you can do that.”

Leo supposed he could stick around for a little bit. He deserved something of a break after going to the store. Admittedly not a good break on the couch, but whatever. He cleaned off his plate and went straight back to the couch. “May I have one of those?” he asked, pointing to the bowl of pretzels.

“You mean ‘can I’-- No wait, you got it right. I’m just never gonna trip you up.” She held up the bowl, allowing Leo to snatch a few pretzels of his own. “You were super right, these are great. You need to pick more yummy foods.”

“I did ask if you wanted something special for your birthday, but no, you just had to go for chicken wings. Over and over.”

“I missed being a slob, OK? Rubbing sauce all over everything is fun.”

“You’re pretty mean too, you know?”

“I learn from the best.”

“Yeah, I can see that.”

There was a pause in the conversation. “You think you could beat Chuck Norris?”

Leo skipped the part where he was baffled. “Nowadays, probably yeah. Back then? No.”

“Well’a course nowadays. He’s a dinosaur now. Why not back then?”

“Because he was a military trained martial artist who worked with Bruce Lee. I’m just a guy who exercises”

“Wow. Didn’t think you’d know all that. You know, I think you could be a cool military guy. You love that ‘yes sir, no sir’ kinda stuff. Why didn’t you go?”

Leo furrowed his brow. “I was going to, but I figured I didn’t want to be shipped off to God knows where fighting for who knows what and dying.”

“Oh.” Missy munched on a pretzel.

“Yeah.”

“Uh, I bet you could do the martial arts stuff at least.”

“Who would I train on, you?”

“You’re gonna break something if you do.”

“And I definitely don’t want to hurt you, so that’s out.”

“Hurt me? No, I would break you.” She curled a hand into a fist as well as she could. That looked painful. For her, that is.

“Then I definitely don’t want to do it. Who’s going to take care of me?”

“Good point. I guess you got guns anyways.”

“It would still be nice to do it. Another way to exercise without just doing repetitive motions.”

“Jazzercise.”

“No.”

“You are so picky, you know that?”

“Jazzercise is for overweight women in their 40’s. I think I have to be picky about something like that.” As Leo said that, the titular Texas Ranger punched someone into a bar table. Ah, there was that dose of masculinity he needed. “You think Norris participated in Jazzercise? I doubt it.”

“Maybe you could just exercise with your guns then.”

Leo tilted his head. “I probably should practice racking them, yeah.” As much as he said it only to tease Missy, that wasn’t a bad idea. Oiling them too, and cleaning them. That would be another good set of things to add to the list.

Missy perked up. “No, that was a joke. Don’t actually do that.”

“Fine.” Maybe he could sneak in some practice when she was listening to her loud, obnoxious music. Who knew that would have a use? He reached for more pretzels, brushing up against her hand in the process. Her fur was soft but it still had something of an unsettling quality to it. That could've been anything from her fur having bizarre properties to him having a spark of discomfort for her. She could use her own bowl too. Alright, that was a bit much. She was going to be living in a different postal code at that rate.

“I bet you could do that,” Missy said, pointing to the screen. A rodeo was going on.

“Sure, before I broke my neck.”

“Hey, didn't say you'd be good at it. Don't worry, I'd nurse you back to health.” She patted his hand and snagged a pretzel.