FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I tread across the stone pathways of the kitsune home, my breath curling away in wisps as I stare into the empty communal room. A pot hangs above an untended fire. I count only two cushions laid out, so I leave before whoever was cooking comes back. I'd rather not feel like I'm being set up for an ambush after Shizuka and Miki offered themselves to me in the baths.

Walking the grounds and following the paved paths, I look for any sign of someone at work. I keep my senses open, putting everything into listening and feeling the world around me, while I circle around the walls of the home. Yet with so many of the kitsune down at the village, I pass no one. Aside from soothingly placed stones and barren bushes set on the sides of the walking area, I'm alone. The cliff their mountain home is set against looms beside me, and soon I pass by the lone torii standing before the weathered, craggy wall of rock. Something seems off to my instincts, causing me to stop and look around.

Nothing jumps out at me, and I'm about to set off when I notice it. Ice and snow have gathered at the base of the cliff, except it's slightly thinner behind the torii. I stare at that spot, a tingle making the hairs on my neck rise. I've passed the torii many times on my walks, but I hardly gave it a second thought. Now, with my attention on my surroundings, I can tell there's something about it. Either an illusion or some sort of magic. I quickly peel my eyes away, allowing that to stay a mystery. The answers I need are elsewhere.

I hurry around the back of the large main building, my thoughts on Rin and Saki instead of magic. How the two sisters are clearly at odds. Once I'm on the walkways, I go toward the room I first met Rin in, where she, Saki, and I had that disastrous conversation. Standing outside what I think is the correct room, I speak up. "Pardon me. Is anyone in here?"

There's only the sound of my breathing in the hallway of wooden lattice and paper screens. After a count to twenty, I open the door-wall and look inside. The low standing table sits in the center of the room with only a few neatly stacked cushions for company. The lanterns in the corners of the room are dark, but with the sun's light still filtering in I'm not surprised by that. For a moment, I consider going through the room and opening the door-wall behind where Rin always sat, but instead I step back and slide the entrance shut.

Alone in the hall, I harden my resolve. I don't care if I make a fool of myself. Every three door-walls I stop and ask the same question. At each I get the same silence. Until my fifteenth, when it opens up from the inside.

Rin, in a simple brown dress stained with tiny drops of ink on the sleeves, stares slightly down at me, questions in her blue eyes. Relief courses through my veins, then my chest tightens up with worry. I'm no doubt acting impolitely and disrupting important work. Yet I can't give up now that I've found her.

"Egil? Is everything okay?" she asks, not bothering to hide a curious glance into the hallway.

"We need to talk," I say, focusing on her and not the piles of paper, wooden slats, and ink brushes in the room she's half-standing in.

Her hands fold in front of her, measured politeness settling onto her face. "Is it urgent? My work can wait, but I would rather not be delayed with Shizuka taking the day off."

I take half a step forward, Rin's polite mask slipping away as quickly as it appeared. She watches me with interest, but her eyes dull and mouth draws tight in something akin to defeat. Like she knows what I'm about to say. "It's about Saki, and you," I mutter.

Rin nods slowly, a smile forcing her mouth up without conviction. "What is this about, Egil?"

"Saki ended our spar early, and then vanished," I say, cutting right to the heart of the matter.

Gradually, Rin's fake grin fades. Her head shifts back as her expression turns to that of concern, eyes brightening with sisterly care. "Why did she leave?"

Memories of Saki's vulnerable yet completely open expression fill my mind. I have to swallow to mostly dispel the thoughts. "She's been upset for weeks, even I can see it. But she left after," I glance around, hoping Rin understands my concern for anyone listening in, "an accident in our spar."

Rin looks over her shoulder at the room she'd been working in, then to me. "My work can wait. Let us walk and talk in the garden," she says.

I answer by nodding and stepping out of her way.

The nine-tail slides the door-wall shut and leads the way. I keep near her shoulder, knowing the path thanks to the wandering I did while healing. It's not long before we're in the separate, walled off garden we walked in together, and where I saw through some of her illusions. The white hair she has tied back with a simple silk ribbon reminds me I didn't see through all of her glamours. She's got so much of my attention I barely see the thoughtfully placed boulders and swept stone walkways. The large tree with its leafless branches earns a second glance from me, but nothing more.

Rin leads me to the painted bridge over the small pond, stopping in the middle. Gracefully, she turns to face me, making me look up ever so slightly to match her gaze. "We can speak freely here," she says. "So please, tell me what happened."

I breathe out and look up at the sky. "Are you certain you want me to speak freely?"

"Not if this is what I fear it is," Rin admits, her soft truthfulness easing worry in my shoulders. "But I need to know what happened, as well as what is on your mind."

"There's a lot on my mind, Rin. We'd freeze to death out here before I finished."

"You sought me out to talk, so it must be important." Rin is quiet for several heartbeats before adding, "We do not have to talk much. But please, tell me what happened with Saki. Is she hurt?"

I look down at the nine-tail, expecting to see politeness. Instead, there's concern, worry, and fear openly worn in the tilt of her mouth and brow. "Not in body," I say. "Whatever is going on between you two, I think it's making sparring with me agonizing for Saki."

"So I've made a mess again," Rin sighs, sweeping snow off of a rail before leaning over it. Her blue gaze stares at the ice below, her shoulders slumping and tails drooping. Between the way she holds herself and the simpler clothes, she seems more like a tired laborer than the master of this mountain. "Egil," she mutters, "I promise you my questions will have a point. But do you know how long we've been keeping Kenta trapped? How old I am?"

Narrowing my brow, concerned she might be trying to redirect the conversation, I reluctantly say, "A long time. And I won't guess at a woman's age."

"This is the eighty-third winter we've had him trapped," she states. "Mother had passed on only fifteen winters before, but I'd already been acting as the real head of the family for the last four hundred. Around half my life."

I rest against the railing and stare at the ice below. I suspected the kitsune were old, but the way she casually speaks of such a large passing of time has me uneasy. Mighty trees, ancient stone forts, and even ancient monuments I've seen are probably younger than Rin. It unsettles me, but far less than it should. I've seen things and killed creatures that were probably older than her. The faeries, with all their laughter and stretched grins, had a timeless feel to them, from the way they ate to how their cloven feet would leave no footprints. But the kitsune, they've felt of this world despite the magic. I've seen their mistakes, been involved with the misunderstandings, and shared meals with them. They're closer to what I think of as people than truly magical beings, though that could be nothing more than my own ignorance, as I know they're something more than merely mortal. Yet the natural unease I feel at the revelation of such a long time is easy to accept, as she's still Rin. The same kitsune I've shared many evening meals with and who came to me in drunken despair.

"But," Rin continues, drawing me from my thoughts, "as much experience as I have, as much as my sisters have looked up to me, I am still nothing more than a woman who lost one of her sisters to an oni. A woman who makes many mistakes. Saki should blame me for what happened to Meiko. Instead, she tries to give up on what her heart wants. Even when I have told her, again and again, that I was wrong. That I was cruel to her, and to you."

"What?" I mutter, looking sharply at Rin for any hint of a lie or word game.

Glacier blue eyes, weary from too many burdens, meet my stare. "Saki and I are indeed fighting, Egil. But it's not as you might think. We're concerned for one another, as we always have been. I'm convinced she's making a mistake by ignoring her heart, and she..." Rin exhales painfully, her gaze falling back to the icy pond below us. "Saki thinks she has to protect me before herself."

"Rin, that doesn't explain what I've seen. You two are clearly at odds. Even Shizuka said she's never seen you two like this."

"Do you mean the dresses at dinner? My harsh words? Saki trying to hide her heart?" Rin asks, her tired gaze flicking to me for a moment. "Egil, we're not fighting for your attention, if you can believe me. She wore her dress to dinner to force me to do the same, not to slight me, because we disagree on who has the right to step away from our duties. I think it's her, and she thinks it's me."

"You are speaking more freely than I expected," I say, watching her closely for deceit.

"I still have my secrets," she says, ear twitching as a smile drifts onto her mouth. "Perhaps I speak too freely, but you are easy to confide in." That smile fades into somberness. "It doesn't help that I swore to Saki I would speak honestly, should you approach me."

"Are you..." I hold my tongue for a moment, working over exactly what to ask. What Rin is implying doesn't make much sense. It sounds like she and Saki are arguing over which one of them should be allowed to get near me, but they're trying to push the other into it instead of acting on their own desires. "Rin," I say, starting over, focusing on a different, less confusing question. "Why did you give your sisters permission to try and court me? If you or Saki still feel for me, why?"

A sad smile twists her mouth, and she gives me a knowing, practically longing look. Only for her to hang her head a moment later, her tied back hair swinging down and hiding half of her face. She speaks quietly. "What was I supposed to do? It's cruel and harsh, but I saw no other way. I acted entirely out of turn, trying to keep you from them and even asking you not to marry any of my sisters. All because of my pathetic," her fingers curl tightly against the railing, "miserable jealousy. So I had to correct that, even if the outcome is cruel to everyone."

Some part of me is angry that she'd do this, but the rest of me understands she's being crushed by her responsibility. I keep that fleeting anger out of my voice. "You could have warned me."

"I should have. I'm sorry, Egil," she says, dipping her head and hunching over the rail. "If you haven't noticed, I've done nothing but make terrible decisions since coming back up the mountain. I like to think shutting myself away and making talismans will keep me from causing more problems, but that's all I do to you, isn't it?"

"That's not true, Rin." I have to squeeze the railing myself to keep from reaching out and patting her on the shoulder. That might be what she wants, what some part of me thinks she needs, but it's not what the situation needs. It would be making a decision that would hurt the other kitsune on my mind.

"It is true. I've wronged my sisters, Saki especially, and you," Rin says, voice tightening.

"Even if you have wronged me, I forgive you," I say, keeping my hands on the rail. "I'm sorry for our misunderstandings, and if I've hurt your heart. But I'm worried about you and Saki. You two have known each other far longer than me, so seeing you two like this over the last few weeks has been worrying."

"Sometimes I wish you would stop surprising me with your wisdom," she sighs. "But that would be asking you to act as you aren't. And," she smiles sadly, wide enough I can see it, "I quite like it when you speak your mind to me. I've missed it."

"I've missed talking with you," I admit. "I hate to ruin that, but I need to ask another question."

"Go ahead," Rin says. "I'll be certain to ask questions of my own this time."

She's still sore with herself about the misunderstanding. Anything I could do or say to soothe her would only make my own situation worse, so I work my tongue around the question. "Why did you send the tonjiki to Saki's training hall?"

"Saki adores tonjiki filled with pickled plums," Rin murmurs. "I would always send her some whenever she was feeling down. I hoped it would be seen as a peace offering."

"She didn't take it that way," I say, thinking back to the night before. The meal left for me, and how there might be a connection. The thoughts tickle in my head, but no insight or wisdom reveals itself. Only a gut feeling urging me on.

"I certainly did not ease her mind if she ran out," Rin says, tails slowing their subtle swaying. "I do not think I have the right to ask, but I think I must. What happened in the spar?"

My jaw rolls as I try to find the right words, this test of speaking nearly as difficult as being polite to faeries. I don't want to betray Saki's trust, whatever little I have, or make things worse between the sisters. "A test of strength didn't go how either of us expected, but we weren't hurt. Which is lucky since we fell rather hard."

"I see," the nine-tail says, eyes on the pond. "I doubt that is all, but I will not ask further. What happens between the two of you is not for me to interfere in, but I am glad no one was injured."

"Why won't you interfere?" I rudely ask.

"I definitely deserve that question," she sighs. "Whether it has magic or not, that custom you brought into my home seems to have stuck. I swore to Saki, three times, that I wouldn't interfere with you two. It was all I could give her after she did it to me first."

If she's being honest, then it looks like the master of house hasn't been acting as harshly as I feared. Perhaps that misery between Rin and I jumped to her and Saki? "Maybe," I begin, "Saki thought you were interfering. Or insulting her."

"What do you mean?" Rin asks, head twisting and snout slipping past her bundled up hair.

"It's nothing but a guess from my gut," I say, shaking my head and leaning on the rail, "but when I returned from my interrupted bath last night, there was tonjiki with plums waiting for me in my room. The same as what was sent to the hall. And you mentioned having Saki told about the plums. I have this feeling it's connected."

Her brows knit together, edge of her mouth tilting slightly. "I dislike the dread that stirs in me. I have been letting my tongue work too sharply this winter."

"Did you send that tray to me last night?" I ask, trying to make sense of my instincts.

"I was making talismans from dawn to the dark of night yesterday, I barely had the time to eat, let alone cook," she answers. "I left everything up to Saki and Shizuka. They'd know for certain who left the meal for you."

"Rin," I begin, seeing the nine-tail's ears twitch nervously, "is it possible that Saki made the food? That she then thought you were mocking her with the tonjiki you sent?"

Rin's blue eyes face me, a sharp breath widening her eyes. A moment later she speaks. "I will answer your question, but I must ask my own first. Who interrupted your bath?"

"Shizuka and Miki. They were very talkative until I turned them down," I answer, the cold and my short beard helping hide the embarrassingly flush feeling in my cheeks.

"I doubt they would have had the time to cook if they were watching you for a chance like that. Saki, Tsubame, and Mariko could have, but Tsubame hates cooking and Mariko is too timid. Which..." Rin lets out a ragged breath. "What have I done?" she mutters, pushing away from the railing. She holds the sides of her head and turns away from me.

I don't have an answer to her question. Like an annoying priest or monk, all I can do is ask a question she doesn't want to hear. Even if it's one she needs to hear. "What is it, Rin?"

"Something about a dear little sister of mine," she answers miserably. "Telling you, I fear, would be interfering. I am so sorry, Egil. To you and her. Even trying to avoid causing problems, I still create them."

I offer a silent apology to the kitsune's back before I speak, trying to ask a question she might be able to answer. "Do you think Saki knew that Shizuka and Miki would offer themselves to me?"

"Yes," Rin whispers. "She's been furious at me for giving our sisters permission. Saki argued against it, but I made my decision two days ago."

There's more Rin isn't saying, but I leave it alone. I've got more questions now that I know some of the timeline. "Did Saki guess that I'd turn them down, or get offended by their offer? Would she have left me a meal that night, something that had always cheered her up, in the hopes of silently supporting me?"

Tails swirl and circle slowly, tracing meaningless patterns as Rin rubs the sides of her head. "I can see her doing that, yes. She's watched those two sharply since they spiked our wine. Thought they were taking the punishments too easily."

Maybe Shizuka and Miki had been working together longer than last night, or perhaps Rin putting Shizuka in charge of the two-tail caused their cooperation. I don't say that though. There's already too much for Rin to consider and regret. And if I'm thinking it, I have no doubt the nine-tail is as well. She might make mistakes, but after the village was slaughtered, I can't imagine the pressure she must feel.

"Inari," Rin mumbles, adding something else I don't catch. A few nearly silent words later and she speaks back up. "If Saki did as you say, my gesture could be seen as an insult if she thought I'd been watching over you. That her gesture was over the line, if she thinks I would be keeping an eye on you or our other sisters and..."

I let her fade into silence, giving her a chance to think. As much as I want to ask how it's an insult to show you care for someone, I can't. She and Saki are siblings, their long history no doubt complicated. I've seen one wrong word or misinterpreted favor between siblings and cousins lead to lifelong hatred or vicious fights. I had my own share of scrapes with family long ago. One of my cousins wouldn't have lost his life to another if he'd only apologized, or took the woman seriously, but that's the wisdom of time.

With her back and tails to me, Rin doesn't say anything for a long time, and I continue to hold my tongue. A light dusting of snow starts to fall, the white flakes tumbling through the air softly. It sticks to my beard and hair, while none of it touches her fur. As if a gentle wind is guiding the snow away from her orange and white fluff. Eventually, she lowers her hands from her head and speaks with her back to me. "I am so sorry, Egil," she says quietly. "I have put you in a terrible situation. How can I call myself your friend when I would unleash my sisters on you without so much as a warning?"

"I'm not upset, Rin. I only have-"

"Egil," the nine-tail says, stopping me from explaining that my thoughts keep returning to her and Saki, and no one else. "I can't stop my sisters. Not without upsetting them greatly."

It's good she interrupted me. I have to tell the two of them at the same time, so there's no chance for misunderstandings. Even if it hurts me to keep what I know about myself now a secret, I'd be making a terrible mistake to not tell them at the same time. "Then I'll be turning a lot of them down," I answer softly. "I know you're trying to balance your duties, Rin. I won't be upset at you for that."

"You don't have to turn anyone down if you don't want to," she says dutifully.

"The only two kitsune I trust to sit beside me are you and Saki," I say, watching as her tails suddenly stop. "Both of you have seen what I'm like. What I might do if I lose myself in a fit of terror. Why I tense and flinch whenever I think about claws coming near me."

"You're in control of your fear," she says, easy as breathing. I don't say anything back, unnerved about her faith in me. "Egil," she continues, "I know some of what I must do now. How to apologize and properly make amends with Saki. Yet," she looks over her shoulder, an admirable resolve in her eye, "I do not know how to apologize to you. Or make it up to you after continuing to disturb your stay."

"Any of your sisters who choose to sneak in instead of approaching me openly, they're the ones that bother me," I say, serious as can be. "Rin, I ask only two things of you. Let me help free Meiko and put an end to Kenta, and I beg of you to try and mend things with Saki before it is too late."

Her brow tilts inward and she turns to face me completely. "That is no apology. Not to a guest, or a man I have..." she hesitates, the slip making her eyes wavering as she swallows. "Befriended," she says, the word not at all what she wants to say, fear on her face from how poorly she hid the slip up.

A few weeks ago, or maybe even a few days ago, I would have willfully dismissed her pause as guilt for not being able to properly repay me. Now, I know and accept that she meant to say something about how she still feels love for me.

Against my mind's judgment, my body steps closer to her, until we're half an arm's length apart. For the second time today, a woman looks at me with everything in her heart exposed. Longing stares into me, wishing I'd get only a little closer. To this weary woman who I can spend an entire evening talking to about nothing and enjoy every moment of it, who isn't afraid of me, and who brightens at my presence. It's as if she's waiting for me to reach out and accept her, and I'd be lying if I dared to say I didn't want to do just that. For a moment, I want to let myself be a fool and throw aside my responsibilities and walk an easier path. I want to move forward and find solace in her arms, give her whatever strength I can offer. She's flawed, certainly, but so am I.

A flurry of snow against my back makes me shiver, breaking the chance before I can do anything I'll regret. Rin finds enough of her responsibility to speak up again, her face stiffening to hide what she feels about that moment.

"I will not turn away your help, Egil. I know it means too much to you. But," she pauses, tails fanning in the snowfall, "I promise you: I will find a way to not only properly apologize but to repay you, for everything."

"It's not necessary, Rin," I whisper, voice a ragged rumble in my throat. I could add that it's because we're friends, but would that be an insult when she clearly wants more, and when in my heart I'm torn apart with the thoughts of not only Rin?

"It is important to me," she says, before tilting her head back slightly. The noble presence of the lord of this home falls back over her, her poise making the simple and ink stained dress look like the richest finery. "Let's go inside. I need to find Saki, which might take some time if she's still avoiding me. And you should warm yourself by a fire before you catch a cold."

"No," I say, causing Rin to look down her nose at me.

"No?" she repeats evenly.

"I'm not going to sit around. I need to speak with both of you, together, even if I might only make things worse."

Snowflakes keep twirling down, drifting away from Rin and getting stuck in my short beard or melting against my cold ears.

"If that is what you need," she says, wearing the mask of duty perfectly. "I must look for Saki alone, however. If you would go warm yourself, then come to the room you and I shared dinner in several times. If we're not there, wait for us."

I nod, relieved I didn't start an argument. "Thank you, Rin. And I'm sorry for causing so much strife for your family."

"You have done no such thing," she says, voice sorrowful, even if her face remains unchanging. She starts walking, so I follow her roiling tails.

All I can do for the time being is trust the history between the sisters will let them overcome this rift. That and pray to any gods who might listen that I haven't ruined everything, and that whatever I end up saying to them doesn't hurt. I have to tell them how I feel, that's all I know. If I think too deeply about it now then I won't be able to speak my heart when I see them both. I have to cling to the hope that I can help mend their sisterly relationship and not ruin everything. Or if I do cause damage, it's only in how they see me. My life must be a fleeting speck compared to theirs, they'll move on from me if I accidentally offend them.

At least, I try to convince myself of that as Rin goes down a different hallway than me. I stand there watching her leave, remembering how, despite the discomfort of how improper it was, waking up beside her had me at peace. Once she disappears around a corner, I'm left with only my thoughts for company.

I close my eyes and fight off a sigh, then head toward the baths to clean myself off and enjoy the heat of the building. A burrowed idea tries to surface, about how Miki and Shizuka offered themselves together, but I shove it away with a scowl. My heart may not want to make a choice, but I couldn't ask Rin or Saki to do something like that when they've been at odds with one another. If it were so simple, wouldn't they have worked together already? They might be dutiful to one another, but that doesn't mean they could ever share the subject of their love. Even in lands where men take multiple wives, it's never as simple as it looks, judging from the complaining I've heard.

Entering the baths and shutting the door behind me, I find I'm alone. Not wanting to make myself vulnerable as the day before, I keep my eyes on the door as I wash off with warm water and an old cloth. The rough sensation helps me banish most of the thoughts that followed me in, but a few still linger.

Will I be able to fix anything? Or am I going to make it worse by telling them my thoughts?

---

My eyes open, body curling tightly as I wake, a forgotten dream bringing the thunder of my heart to my ears. There's nothing in the baths but me, my back to the wall. I rub my eyes, crawling up from my position against the wall. An empty, steamy room greets me. With only my loincloth keeping me decent, I hurry to get myself dressed, eyes on the door the entire time.

Falling asleep like that is an ill omen, to say nothing of how late it must be with only the lanterns dimly lighting the room. With all of the sparring and restless nights, the fatigue I've tried to ignore must be catching up to me. I stand, fully dressed, and start rolling some stiffness out of my back and shoulders. If I don't do something about my sleep soon then this spring is going to be dangerous with my wits dulled from creeping exhaustion. But there's nothing I can do other than go see if Rin found Saki yet.

Stepping outside into a cold, shallow winter wind, I see the sky is nearly black, the brightest of the stars shining through the night's veil. I was against that wall for far too long. I might have missed the meeting because I foolishly let myself relax. Grinding my teeth, I hurry my steps, going along a raised walkway and into the main building where dimly lit halls wait. There are lanterns every eight of my paces, not casting nearly enough light for me to safely hurry along. I have to walk slowly, one careful step at a time, for fear of running into a kitsune waiting for me. Tsubame and Mariko have me worried, but with any luck, Miki and Shizuka have given up.

My footsteps silent, I hear voices ahead. The murmuring grows stronger as I walk toward the illuminated screen of the door-wall. When I'm five paces from the entryway, I hear Saki's sharp tone rise, her voice stopping me where I stand. "... didn't know that you loved him, Rin. You told me again and again that part of you had withered."

Overhearing that squeezes something in my throat.

"Saki," Rin says, voice strained, "I wanted to believe that it had. That doesn't mean you have to sacrifice what you feel-"

"I swore an oath," Saki says. "For you. For our family. I will uphold that duty to protect everyone."

"Little sister, please. I was wrong to act as I did, you don't have to discard your chances."

"Your insult said otherwise."

"Sister," Rin's voice grows quieter, as if her head is against the floor, "I am sorry. That wasn't an insult. I wanted to cheer you up as I used to, try to begin apologizing for what I've done to you, not wound you."

"You wanted to silently remind me of our mutual oaths, a way to hurt me without breaking the vow," Saki all but hisses. "So if you're truly sorry, then forget about apologizing to me. Forbid our sisters from trying to court Egil."

"That's not something I can do," Rin says, regret squeezing her words. "Sister, I-"

"You forbade them once," Saki snaps. "Yet you refuse to do it now. For what reason, Rin?" Her sister's name rolls harshly off her tongue, like a thorn she wants to dislodge.

"Saki, please, I am being honest with you. I lost myself in jealousy. I've been nothing but unfair to Egil, and to our sisters when I forbade them from him, so what else am I to do? I have oaths to them and my duty to Egil as a guest and friend."

"If you cared about him then you'd let him have peace!" Saki snaps, the anger in her voice making me blink. This isn't a show they're putting on to trick me. Not if the reserved eight-tail is this angry. "Egil doesn't want any of them and you are too blinded by your duty to see it."

Guts winding around in knots, I start toward the door-wall, legs stiff and uncooperative.

"That's not true," Rin mutters, my ears barely able to hear her, "I-"

My fingertips touch the lattice of the screened door-walls, shaking it ever so slightly, and the occupants within fall silent. I slide the entry with the quiet rattle, wood hissing as I pull open the door. Rin has her back to me, the nine-tail prostrating herself in apology, and Saki is staring at her sister instead of me.

The eight-tail's eyes are cold as she glares at her older sister. "Is this part of your plan as well, Rin?"

"No," I say, boldly stepping in and sliding the door shut. "Rin wanted to apologize to you alone after I spoke with her about you ending our training so suddenly and worryingly, but I insisted on speaking with you both. I am sorry if I am interrupting that apology, but I'm done sitting around."

I walk to a spot two paces from either kitsune, then lower myself to the ground. I don't bother being polite and cross my legs instead of sitting painfully on my knees. With both of them in front of me again and none of their sisters around, I'd hoped I would know what to say. But looking at them, Saki's severity and Rin's contrition for her manipulation, has me gripping my knees. All I know, or what I'm inclined to believe in after overhearing that, is that they each care for me and are doing what they think is best. There is probably more to their conflict, but that's what I see.

"Saki," I begin, my tongue pressing against the roof of my mouth when she turns her brown gaze to me. The harshness in her eyes lessens, but the distance she's put up remains. "You as well, Rin," I say, and a moment later Rin hesitantly raises her head off the floor, regretful blue orbs looking my way. "I overheard some of what was said. So let us speak freely, please."

"Say whatever you need to," Rin nods.

A suspicious glance shifts Saki's attention from me to her sister, but only long enough to get across the eight-tail's suspicion. If it was planned for me to overhear any of this, then I doubt the eight-tail was part of that plot.

Taking a deep breath, I realize I don't care if there is a conspiracy or even a plot. The feeling in my gut says Rin is in over her head, but what do I really know? My tongue works once again, and my burdened mind sees only one way forward, so I speak my thoughts, "I'm weary of all of this. And I've been too much of a reluctant coward to do anything about it. But if I am the source of this sibling argument, I can leave as soon as Meiko is safe and Kenta is dealt with. Or go down to the village and be out of everyone's way until then."

Saki's emotionless mask of an expression cracks, a frown tugging at the edge of her mouth, while Rin's regret carves deeper into her eyes and fox face.

"Egil, that's not what I..." Rin's voice dies in her throat as she looks down at the ground. She swallows and says, "If that is what you want, or if it would put you at peace, then I understand. And you have my blessing."

"It would put me at peace if we could all three work through whatever is going on," I say. "As for what I want, you both know some of it. I want to save Meiko and kill the man-eater Kenta for what he's done. But," my grip tightens on my knees sharply, "I have several things I must say first. Something difficult for me to talk about. So if you would both look at me, I need to speak my mind, even if it's rude and might get me banished from this mountain."

Blue and brown focus on me, each kitsune tense. Saki's shoulders tell me she wants to look away in embarrassment and shame, while for Rin it's sorrow and shame that sag her back and ears. Their gazes urge me on, even if they stay quiet.

Before I lose my nerve, I say, "Before I get to the hard part, I must say Saki was right. I'm not interested in your sisters, not as they hope I will be. But you're also wrong Saki, they aren't tormenting me and Rin wasn't trying to insult you with the tonjiki. She had no idea you left me that very same food, the kind that your caring older sister gave to comfort you, after Miki and Shizuka tried to seduce me. And if you don't believe her, I will cast my runes right now, even if such a question might make them abandon me."

"Is this true?" Saki asks, looking between Rin and I.

We both nod, the eight-tail slumping.

"I didn't know, sister," Rin says softly. "I only learned when Egil told me. He was worried about you."

A new distance works its way into Saki's brown eyes, but they turn back to me instead of looking away. I focus on her, as if she is the only one in the room, or at least I try to. I keep speaking before she completely withdraws, "I don't want to cause anymore strife in your family. I know you each desire me, but I..." I grip my knees so fiercely they ache as my tongue fails me, refusing to let out the simple truth. Keeping me from admitting I came here to tell them I care deeply for both of them and a choice is impossible.

I duck my head, taking a moment to do nothing more than breathe. Memories of Rin being close to me, her tails against my back, the happy laughter, and the life behind her blue eyes squeeze my chest. They conflict with thoughts about Saki's patience, reserved support and tender, hidden heart trying to reach out for me without getting in the way; our bodies learning to move together in sparring, and those brown eyes hoping I'd grasp for more. Unless I am blind they want me, so what am I doing planning to tell them both? Wouldn't that cause more strife, which I want to avoid?

More memories flit through my mind, haunting me with the feelings of their close presence, but I look up before the sensation freezes me in place. I stare at Saki and Rin, both women wearing their concern openly. Saki looks taught as a bowstring, a worried frown on her face as she watches me with tortured patience. Rin's eyes focus on me, her presence caught between wanting to come toward me and staying away out of respect. The nine-tail's hand fidgets, starting to move toward me before she pulls it back against her leg, my eyes catching sight of her claws. My stomach drops, trying to pull my head back down as a fear prickles down my spine.

They're gentle with me, they care for me, and I like them both. But even if they didn't have those claws and teeth, I'm terrified of hurting them. Not because I believe either would try to scare or harm. No, the thought of repeating past mistakes twists my tongue free of its icy prison.

They both stare right at me instead of looking away, patiently waiting for me to say what I need to. I feel drawn toward them even as every part of me knows it would only hurt them.

I close my eyes and sigh out a ragged breath, some part of my heart caving in on itself. I have to keep going. Through the thorns and the briers even as I'm left hollow, I speak while I still can. "I changed for the worse two years ago, when my hate for man-eaters turned to ravenous fear. I barely survived a battle with a tiger headed monster. It tried to rip open my chest and eat my heart, as it had done for everyone else in the hunting party. I killed it only by being more savage than it, ripping its throat out with my teeth as I fought for my life. I was so lost in fear and pain, I couldn't stop hitting it until the beast's head until it was nothing but pulpy, bloody mud."

I swallow back an urge to say more about that battle. That's not why I'm here, I have to remember that. I force more words out, focusing on what I need to say and not the dreamlike feeling of claws ripping my skin. "I've not been the same ever since. Both of you know I fear losing control of myself, but the reason why I do is because I keep slipping back into the horror of that moment. You saw it when I grabbed Rin, I was..." I shake my head, demanding my tongue to continue its work. "I could have seriously hurt or killed you, Rin."

"I'm so sorry you've had to keep this pain hidden away," Rin says, Saki slowly nodding in agreement. "But you didn't hurt me that time, nor do I believe you ever would."

"But I can," I whisper, opening my eyes. "I don't know which one of you stopped me, but if I'd gone any farther, then..." I shake my head. "You've both seen what I do when there are man-eaters around, and that's the fear that grips me, that urges me into violence. When the memories come back and I get lost in a storm of fear about teeth and claws, I'm dangerous. I would never forgive myself if I hurt either of you because of it."

Rin says, "You would never hurt either of us."

"We both believe that," Saki mutters, flicking a glance at Rin that makes one of her tails twitch.

"It would happen because I lose control of myself," I stress, voice strained as I try not to shout. "When I wake up from terrible dreams, my heart is pounding like I'm in battle, and my hands go for a weapon. It's kept me alive, but..." I shake my head, hoping they understand without me needing to say more.

"Egil," the nine-tail says, "have you ever hurt someone because of your waking or sleeping nightmares? Is that why you're so afraid?"

That insightfulness reminds me of why I like being around Rin. But right now, Saki's quiet patience feels more welcome. Before I can find an excuse to avoid the question, I make myself face it. They both deserve to know the answers.

"Yes," I utter, the word heavy on my tongue. "A recently widowed woman was tending to me after the battle that left my mind so wounded. I came to when she was cleaning out the scratches on my chest, and I didn't see her. I saw that tiger-headed beast trying to rip my heart out. I panicked, broke her wrist and nearly choked the life out of her before someone pulled me off of her." My head thrums with heavy heartbeats, and rubbing at my temple doesn't do anything for it. "I couldn't even apologize to her."

"That was an accident," Rin says, her conviction making my head shake.

Of course she thinks it's that simple. Looking at Saki, I see only reserved acceptance on her face and a tiny nod that agrees with her sister. I didn't expect either of them to understand, but the disappointment coursing through me proves I had held out hope.

But I can't get mad at them. Not when they look at me like that, the both of them showing nothing but sympathy and concern for me. I keep speaking, letting my tongue wag through the words. "There were times after that. The worst was when a woman tried to seduce me when we were both deep into drink. One thing led to another, and she thought it would be cute to bite my ear, and I," I swallow, having done my best to forget the memory, "would have stabbed her if I had a knife or sword. I got her by the neck instead and slammed her to the ground to get the teeth away from me. I thought I killed her, but she came to before I could flee from terror. I don't know if she forgave or forgot, but she acted like nothing had happened. But that is," I have to swallow again, my mouth feeling dry, "not something I could ever forget."

"That's the kind of honest, caring man that you are," Rin mutters, trying to catch my eye. "You have a lingering wound to your spirit, but that does not mean you are a monster, Egil. I can hear how much it hurts you to remember all of this, but it is in the past, when the wound was more recent."

Trying to argue that time has helped heal me. I want to argue, but her sister's twitching ear catches my attention.

"Egil," Saki says, shoulders hunching defensively at the sound of her own voice, "I am sorry this happened to you. That you see yourself this way. But I don't fear you, even knowing this. And I've trained with you. I know what you can do."

"And as your friend," Rin says, face too soft and kind for me to look at for more than a moment, "will you believe me when I say I don't fear you either?"

They understand, not completely, but their confidence has me struggling for what to say. "I still reach for a weapon every time I wake up," I say, realizing how unconvincing that must sound. I change to something else. "The instincts and fear that grip me with the memories, they're the same ones that kept me alive. They won't just go away or fade into nothing. They'll always be there."

"You no longer hold yourself like you're going to have to leap into a fight at meals," Saki says, gaze soft as she shifts her hands on top of one another. "I've seen you slowly relax around us as your arm mended, how you're still frightened, but not for your life anymore. I do not believe you'd hurt us or our family, even if you were overcome by memories."

"Trusting you two means I can't stand the idea of hurting you," I say. "The fear and memories, or wound to my spirit, will always be there."

"Is this what you meant when you insisted you were broken?" Rin softly asks, leaning forward and affixing me with eyes desperately offering compassion. "That you fear you'll hurt anyone you let too close? From friends to women to anyone who might nurse you back to health?"

I can't look at her or Saki, but I can still command my tongue. "Yes," I utter, not knowing how to say that includes any possible lovers. Surely Rin has seen through my words and guessed at that, right?

Or do the kitsune think I only care for them as friends? Have the last few weeks made Rin careful with her judgments when it comes to me? Perhaps my thoughts are only clear to me because I already know them. I struggle against a need to speak my heart and an inability to tell them after admitting I'm terrified of how I could harm them if the memories and fear overtake me again.

I don't fret for long. Rin puts her hands on her knees, starts to rise, but stops herself before she's up. She looks to Saki, who is respectfully staring at the mats on the floor, and sinks back down. The significance isn't lost on me, but Saki doesn't react. Rin breathes out slowly and asks, "Egil, might I ask you something personal?"

The thrum in my head lessens, but the edges of my vision take on a gray tinge unless I move my eyes. It reminds me of how easy it is to put my life on the line, and how horrible it is to speak about matters of my past and heart. But I'm not without a guiding star or rudder, so the pain beneath my ribs is tolerable. "Let me finish telling both of you something," I say.

"Please," Rin begs. “It is an important question."

“Sister," Saki says flatly, emotions hidden. “Let Egil speak."

Heart thumping in my neck, the chance to avoid telling them about my cowardice too tempting, I look to Rin. “No, go ahead," I say, voice scratching the back of my throat. "What I have to say can wait."

"Egil, you don't-" Saki's voice catches in her throat as she stops herself, face turning down.

“Saki, it's okay," I say, hoping to smother any possible conflict between the sisters before it turns into a raging fire. “A question won't change what I need to say."

Rin seems grateful for that, but it's short lived. A resolute expression overtakes her, but there's a gentleness in her voice that tries to soothe me. "I am sorry, I realize I should run this by my sister first."

I raise a brow, but I'm not curious enough to ask why she's apologizing to me when Saki is the one she's trying to be considerate toward. My chest feels too empty to ask questions like that. Instead I rattle out, “I don't want to be causing trouble between you two."

I see one of Saki's ear's twitch before she speaks, her voice barely above a whisper. "You've helped prevent it, Egil. I'm no longer shouting at Rin, and as I've come to understand some of your pain I realized I should have been hearing her first."

"And your arrival kept me from lashing out harshly," Rin says softly. "Thank you for that, Egil."

At a loss for words, I can only nod. I don't know what I should be feeling other than a deeply set frown that stretches into my bones, even as I make myself look at the wall behind the pair. Whether I had that much of an effect or not, it's got them both talking. And I think Rin is trying to be fair to Saki instead of following her heart towards attempting to soothe me.

"Saki," Rin says to her sister, "if I might?"

Rin leans toward her sister, the eight-tail's hesitation to join in obvious with how stiffly her shoulders are set. The two share a few quiet words, covering the sides of their mouths with their sleeves. Either out of courtesy for me or to keep some privacy. Two of Saki's tails fidget, her hand dropping away as she locks eyes with Rin. There's no visible anger, only unyielding focus as the sisters stare one another down. Then, with the barest of nods, Saki turns away, keeping her eyes down.

"Egil," Rin starts, shifting toward me and upsetting a few of her white locks, "I know this is a difficult question. You may not have an answer now, and I fear it may end our friendship, but I must ask: What are we to you? You know we," she glances at Saki who nods so softly I nearly miss it, "love you. Yet your heart is a mystery to us."

Saki's tails shift uncomfortably, from tip to base, but she keeps her expression calm enough to speak. “You do not need to answer, of course."

The best and worst question that could be asked, as it drives at the core of what I've wanted to say. My lips are dry as I open my mouth, no words jumping out right away. I could run, lie, or say what I've avoided this entire time. They've given me that choice. Just as they've tried to give me a choice between the two of them, even though I'm a fool who couldn't make that particular decision.

"I fear I might be growing to love you both," I rasp, words falling from my tongue before I can stop them, but thankfully my throat tightens up at the sound of the truth I've been trying to run from. I shake my head and lean back to stare at the ceiling as the horrifying truth hangs in the air, hoping to escape whatever expressions have crossed their faces. "Which is why I told you both all of that," I force out. "I don't want to hurt either of you. I've already caused enough strife. You two have known each other your entire lives, and I'm nothing more than a fading breeze plagued by nightmares."

Saki stirs, her tails bundling up while her back and neck go rigid. After several moments of staring at me, she says, "You do not need to include me, Egil. I-"

"I wronged you, Saki," I interrupt, too far gone to let silence and assumptions hurt everyone again. "I wronged both of you. Rin when I didn't face her feelings or come talk to her afterward, but I fear I did the worst to you, Saki. You most certainly are a woman to me, not just a warrior. But I was too stubborn and fearful to admit it to even myself at the time."

The eight-tail is frozen in place, her mouth at the edge of opening as brown eyes face me. This is the second time I've seen her so vulnerable, and once again part of me wants to draw closer to her because of it. "Saki, as I've gotten to know you, I realize I care about you in the same way I care about Rin. And I am ashamed to say my heart doesn't favor one of you over the other, so I haven't dared speak this until you were both before me."

Slowly, Saki's shocked expression turns to her sister. They share a look, one that even I can understand. They're trying to check with one another to know if this is truly happening, or if they're in a feverish dream. The confusion fades from Rin's face quickly, but she doesn't say anything. She looks down at her hands, lost in thought.

Saki's mouth is a tight line. "Our fighting is hurting you, Egil," she whispers, but it's not meant for me.

I'm not even sure if it's meant for Rin. It almost sounded like the eight-tail was thinking aloud so a truth couldn't be denied. When I don't rush to deny it, I come to accept that it's true enough. I went from being at odds with Rin, to that mostly clearing up, to the two sisters fighting for reasons I can only guess at. I could argue that it's my fault, but it's two on one. I doubt they'd accept my observations or attempt to take responsibility.

There are many ways this night could have gone, but I didn't think it would be so peaceful. Not after accidentally sneaking up on Saki shouting at her sister. And certainly not after admitting that I've started to fall for them both.

The room is quiet for many long heartbeats. Eventually, Rin cuts through the silence, saying, "Egil, I'm not sure what to say. Other than thank you for being honest with us, and that I am sorry for all of the pain I have surely caused you."

"I'm sorry as well," I reply. "To both of you."

Saki, surprising me, speaks up. "Would you accept my apology as well, Egil?"

She did me no wrong, but I know it means something to her. "Of course," I nod. "So long as you know how you've mine as well."

"Thank you," she mutters, the moment awkward for all of us.

"Egil," Rin begins softly, "was there something else you wished to tell us about? Or am I misremembering?"

My throat tightens. She's right, I had intended to say more about my past, and my shameful cowardice. It's getting hard to even look at Saki and Rin, the weight of what I've already admitted to them crashing against my back. They don't seem to believe it, but somewhere deep in my bones I know it's not right for me to get close to them. Even if I want that intimacy, a connection with someone who cares, that's not a place a man like me should go. Not when I've betrayed kin, fled from a situation I was too gutless to face, and become a broken, dangerous man. But who would believe a man saying such a thing?

I chew at my thoughts, the possibilities of what I could say clashing against a past I don't know if I should reveal. I rub at my forehead, sagging forward as I come to wonder if I've already said too much. If I shouldn't find some excuse to flee. Like the coward I am beneath the fear and violence that's kept me alive.

As I struggle to find anything to say, Saki finds it in her to speak up. "Perhaps," she says quietly, "we should finish this talk another time?"

The eight-tail flinches under my stare snapping to her, but she withstands her shock. As if what I've said has given her strength she didn't have before, or perhaps she's finally able to act and think without considering her duty first. "You look exhausted, Egil," she explains, "and I need to have words with Rin, alone, now that I think I can listen to what she has to say instead of losing my composure and shouting at her."

"My little sister speaks wisely," Rin nods. "I haven't wanted to say anything, but you've looked worn down for days, Egil."

"Clearly I am, if I managed to admit all of that without running away," I say, breathing out and hunching forward. "It was rude of me to demand we have this talk, but-"

"Stop, Egil," Rin says. Not a command, but a firm request.

I glance up at her and wonder if she's looked at herself recently. If I'm exhausted, the nine-tail is worn down to the bone, weariness in every part of her eyes and posture. Once she has my attention, she continues. "It wasn't rude. Not to me," she insists.

"Nor to me," Saki says, looking at the mats we sit on. "If anything I am grateful. I let my anger get the better of me and treated Rin poorly because of it."

"You have had good reason to be suspicious of me, little sister," the older kitsune sighs. "And I was about to let my temper sharpen my tongue."

Looking between them and knowing I've already crossed several lines, I decide to cross one more. "That conversation I overheard wasn't planned, was it?"

Rin winces, while Saki breathes out. The eight-tail shakes her head slowly. "No," Saki murmurs. "We try not to let our sisters hear us fight. But I was furious."

"Well," I breathe out, rising to my feet with popping knees, "I appreciate both of you trying to watch out for me. I think I will take your suggestion and try to rest. I fell asleep in the baths before coming here."

I look to the door, then the kitsune. To my surprise, they both stand up and bow politely at me. Saki first, then Rin half a heartbeat later, locks of the nine-tail's hair slipping past her shoulders. I awkwardly return the polite gesture, trying to make certain I only bend at the waist.

Saki's eyes flick to Rin, then to me, before the eight-tail says, "Would you like an escort back to your room?"

"That might give you some privacy from our sisters," Rin says, hiding any embarrassment if she feels it. "If they see both of us guide you back."

Starting to say no, my tongue's resistance breaks slowly. When it finally gives way, I mutter, "I would appreciate that."

Before I can let the weight of my words drive my shoulders down, I turn and go for the door-wall. The two kitsune follow me, swiftly moving to either side of me once one of them shuts the door. The hair on the back of my neck rises, an unwelcome and unfamiliar fear seizing my tongue. I'm fairly certain Saki is still angry at Rin, but the rift between the sisters isn't as great as I feared. It's telling I don't feel any tails on my back, even when we finally reach the room I've been given.

"Good night, Egil," Rin bows.

"If any of our sisters bother you," Saki bows, "please tell me."

"Both of us," Rin adds. "It won't do to have them bothering a guest if he doesn't want it."

Perhaps there is a middle ground to one thing that has caused them strife. Rin can't forbid her sisters from approaching me, but she can forbid them from bothering a guest if he requests it. "Thank you, both of you," I say, hands twitching as they start to rise, wanting to reach out.

But I stop myself, arms hanging limp at my sides.

I'm not sure what my body wanted to do, whether it desired to touch them or pull them closer, but I resist the urge even now. The rift between them isn't as terrible as I thought, but it's still there in the slight tension of Saki's jaw and the stiffness in Rin's back. They're not like Shizuka and Miki, my heart tells me.

"Will I see you both at the morning meal?" I ask.

"I am sorry, I will not be there," Rin says, her smile as sad as it is gentle. "I have to attend the shrine tomorrow."

"I will be joining Rin," Saki says, earning a curious look from her older sister. The eight-tail ignores it and continues talking to me. "And Egil, please rest for a few days. We will resume our training in time."

Nodding to both of them one at a time, I turn and slide open the screened door-wall. I step in and shut it behind me, wondering if I should have done something differently. Or if I've made the worst mistake of my life.

Grinding my teeth, I go to rest against the wall. I try to tell myself that I've stopped a disaster, but I won't know for a while. With nothing else I can do, I close my eyes and wait for fitful sleep. Fears of how I may have ruined the sisters' relationship with one another burn in the back of my throat as I plead for the darkness of sleep to take me. They may have been pushing one another to try and win my affection, but now that they know I desire them equally, what will they do?

If banging my head against the wall wouldn't draw attention, I'd do it in the hopes I knock myself out. Instead, I shuffle away on my knees, grab the blanket from the futon, and go back to the spot I've anchored myself to every night. Swaddling myself in false warmth, it's easier to close my eyes and pretend I can sleep this way. Even if it brings back memories of soft tails and a desire to feel them against my back once more, my arms aching to hold someone who wants me.