Comfort in Silence
Day in and day out doing the same thing can wear on someone but Irna cannot do anything unless Ander asks for their help. They can only urge Ander to speak to them hoping that he opens up before the burden of day to day life becomes too great.
Time continued to pass with relative calm. Irna had not been bothered by another human since the exorcist departed and that left them with ample time to focus on Ander. The human had gone to college without complaint every single day to continue studying and his parents had left him to his own devices for the most part but they couldn’t help but notice how he came home. His shoulders sagged, his steps always seemed to drag along the floor and if he wore a smile, it never reached his eyes. Questions and concerns typically led to Irna being told everything was fine and that they shouldn’t worry at all and yet, how could they not? Even if Irna became blind they could still feel the pent up negative emotions seeping from the seams of his body. They wanted to trust that he was going to be okay, they wanted to believe that he wasn’t taking too much but it was getting harder and harder to hold their tongue. All they could do was offer succor whenever possible and a listening ear if he would have it. At the moment, Irna laid atop of the couch in the living room of his apartment as a black-furred cat. They had found that it was much easier to remain in his home if they picked a smaller size and there were less curious onlookers who gossiped about strange shadows in the windows. Typically, Ander was the one to visit them or the one to ask for them to come over but Irna felt like being there for him whenever he came home from his classes. At the same time, what else were they going to do? The cathedral was barren of visitors and lately, Irna found themselves craving the feeling of a home. Even if they were the only one there, it felt as if Ander’s energy were sprinkled throughout the house letting them know they weren’t alone. Being alone hadn’t been a problem before but now they had found themselves accustomed to a sweet warmth that kept them smiling despite being enamored with a human of all things. When the door rattled, their tail and ears flicked up as they looked toward it.
It opened and in came Ander wearing a hoodie with a bag over his shoulder. His eyes were half shut as he sagged into the room. When he saw Irna, those amber orbs peered open wide and he straightened up before a small curve touched his lips, “Hello there. I know you said you were going to stop by more often but I’m always surprised to see you here when I get back. Just let me set my bags down and I can offer you something to drink or maybe eat.”
Irna snorted, “Calm yourself and sit for a moment. You look worn out.”
Ander’s smile grew just a bit as he stepped toward the couch, “I’m fine. No need to—”
The rest of his words floated away with a sigh and a grunt as Ander touched his head and stumbled forward, eyes shut tight. Irna melted into a pool of shadows that fell over the couch and curled into the air to assume their bat form clutching onto his body carefully as they spoke in a quickened hush, “Ander?! Are you hurt? Do you need to go to the doctor?”
“What? No. No. I’m fine.” Ander said as he straightened with one hand on theirs, “I just. Got a bit of a headache.”
Irna’s fur bristled as they muttered, “Ander. You nearly fell over before my eyes. Death would be an apt way to describe the way you look and it has been getting worse! And yet, you tell me it is fine? I believe you, I support you with all of my being but I will drag you to the doctor and tell them to look at you from top to bottom, inside and out if you do that again. Or, we could have a conversation.”
Ander looked away, “I’m just a little bit tired. I’ll try to go to sleep a bit earlier today. Is that fine?”
The bat shook their head, “No, that’s not fine. Ander, you were about to pass out. If that happened outside of your apartment or when you’re alone then how would that pan out? Think about it, please, tell me.”
His hand rested at his head now as he muttered, “I’ll be fine Irna. Just leave me alone for a bit. I just need a bit of time to get used to this.”
“What is it that you need to get used to?” Irna asked with a huff.
Ander shut his eyes again as he breathed out, “Nothing. Just. I’m fine, okay? Nothing is wrong. Nothing is ever wrong. I can handle a bit of school work. I can handle going out in crowds full of people possibly staring at me and judging me with their voices creating a static that makes it hard to think. I can handle bad professors that tell me that my work is garbage but then have no choice but to give me good grades since I do my work properly and according to their instructions. I can even handle the fact that I took too many classes this semester. Just, please don’t worry about me.”
By the time he was finished talking, his breathing had picked up, his eyes open again and wide, cheek beaded with sweat. Irna’s expression softened and their words came gently as they reached out, “Ander...If it is too much for you to handle then maybe I could help with something?”
“It isn’t!” He yelled and smacked aside their hand.
Irna’s hand remained frozen as they watched him stare at them with wide eyes, chest heaving up and down. It hadn’t hurt physically but they still felt something deep within ripping at them as the human looked at them for the first time with something like true fear. That energy pouring off of him would have suited their tastes coming from any other human but they didn’t want to scare him, they didn’t want to feel like a villain in the eyes of the one they loved.
Before they could withdraw their hand, Ander grabbed onto it with shaky digits, “Did I hurt you? I didn’t want to do that! I just meant to put my hand out, please don’t hate me.”
Cool violet looked into those frightened orbs full of swirling amber warmth as they absorbed his words. Irna waited for a few breaths before sighing, “Scared that you hurt me? Here I was thinking that you were frightened of my retribution. That hurt. Not your hand hitting me. You know what else hurts? Seeing you struggle so much that you are about to break down. Ander. Can we please talk? Can we? I just want to know what’s hurting you so I can help or at least understand. Please?”
Their voice sounded so small, even to them and they had even dropped to one knee to plead with the human. They could not bear to see him like this. Ander soon sighed in response, “Okay...But I have a favor to ask of you. Can we just, not talk.” When he saw the frown on their face, he shook his head, “I mean. Can you hold me? Just a bit. Keep me covered from everything, lie down with me until I’m ready.”
Irna wrapped their wings around the human without delay and brought him close to their body before moving to lie on the couch. They shut their eyes while feeling his shaky breaths slowly become steady against their chest. The energy pouring off of Ander tasted of fear and yet so many other things at the same time that it almost hurt to sense it. That feeling began to die down as they laid there in precious quiet, his breathing steadying as he nestled against their body and kept his eyes closed. Ander had not shared with them the specifics of their upbringing that had brought them such internal strife but Irna did not want to wrench it from them, nor did they want to use their magic to feel it either. They wanted to hear it when Ander was ready to discuss it and the same went for what was happening now. It was troublesome, to think that they had found themselves so enamored for a human that they couldn’t bear the thought of leaving them alone. The worst parts of their mind whispered for them to follow him, to track his every move and to curse those who brought ruin to his mind or body but they knew that Ander wouldn’t want such a thing and so, they remained quiet and allowed the other to remain silent for now.
It felt like an hour before Ander spoke even though it had just been a few minutes, “Okay. I’m ready to talk.”
The bat remained still for just a few more seconds before sitting up, wings opening with Ander on their lap, “Okay, so talk.”
Ander took a deep breath before beginning, “First off, I’m sorry for lashing out like that and secondly, I’m sorry you saw me like that. I’ve just been pushing myself as hard as I can at school even though I don’t really care about it. I keep thinking that I can take whatever they throw at me and most of the time, I can, but I just don’t want to. Going out means going into crowds and hating every second of that just to get to a place where I’m learning something I’m not sure if I can do anything with or even care to learn because if I don’t then my parents will never let me live it down. I could cut them out but then what? What would I do? I don’t even know of any other options because this was what was selected for me! I keep thinking of all of that and keep stressing out about people around me and things that shouldn’t matter and I end up feeling more and more fried by the time I get back home. It’s frustrating and I can’t just lash out like that.”
Irna hummed, “Have you thought about taking fewer classes to give you more time to breathe?”
“Yes but...If I do that then I guess I’d be admitting I’m weak.” Ander said quietly.
They placed their chin on their human’s head while sighing, “If you do that then you’ll be lessening the burden on your shoulders. It is already troublesome for you to go out and already troublesome because you aren’t doing what you really want to do, why make it harder? As for cutting out your parents...Would it truly be that hard?”
Ander looked down and muttered, “I don’t know. All I know is that they would keep calling and might even make the trip to see me. I don’t want any trouble. I just want peace.”
“Well, your Autumn break is coming up, right?” They said with a smile. When Ander nodded, they planted a peck on his head and spoke, “How about I take you to my world for just a little bit? Show you a world of magic and bring you to a place of relaxation?”
He looked up at them with big eyes, “Is that possible?”
“Think of it as a free vacation with maybe just a little bit of danger if we run into anyone who finds humans palatable.” They said with a chuckle.
“That sounds amazing!” Ander said with a big smile.
Irna sighed, “Again you ignore the clear danger but everything should be fine since I’ll be there to protect you. Besides, we’ll be staying someplace safe.”
Ander leaned against them and sighed, “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me just yet. I’m going to be making some changes around here. Namely, I’ll be the one doing the chores while you focus on rest and work. Instead of visiting, I’ll only go back to the cathedral if I sense I am needed that way I can take care of you for the duration of my stay.”
After a few moments of quiet, Ander snickered, “Should I tell my parents my significant other is moving in?”
Irna muttered while bringing a wing around him, “Hush...Let’s stay like this a little bit more before I start on dinner, okay?”
Ander nodded with a small sound of recognition while bringing his face back into their chest. They closed their eyes and brought their other wing around him to squeeze gently. A promise to take a human to another world. Such a deal would have bought them an entire soul or something just as valuable and yet, here they were providing it for free. What did it matter? It wasn’t as if they were under contract. Irna loved Ander and wanted the best for him. The least they could do was take him to someplace magic to give him a new experience and a bit of relaxation. If any creature tried to attack him, well, they wouldn’t be alive for very long now, would they? All they had to do was protect him and everything would be fine. For now, they kept their eyes shut and enjoyed the quiet.