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October 4th, Toru's purple sanctuary

My room has always been a safe space for me... a place where I can be alone without judgment from anyone else. I got a lock for my 13thbirthday which keeps my bedroom safe from nosy family members. My room is also painted entirely in a calming purple (my favorite color), making it the best place in the world where I can truly relax. I also have posters up from all my favorite series to remind me that there is still good in the world: Moulin Rogue, Wonderous Woman, Cents 8, Steven Galaxy... and the only musical I ever convinced Taro to see, Poltergeist of the Opera... *Sighs internally*, would have been nice if my parents let me be a theater kid... I might have been able to make some gay friends then...

It was an ordinary Monday night and I was playing the soundtrack from my new favorite Dizney series, Beauty and the Human, to stay relaxed while I did my homework. I couldn't help but chew on my eraser and tap on the glass of my tiny ant farm as I tried to get all my annoying trig homework out of the way. The reason I say 'tried' is because I was getting all these problematically sexy flashbacks involving Polar Bear...

Okay, problem 2...

~The shock of being drawn in firmly for a deep, sensual kiss~

Angles are 90 _°__ , 52.6_° and 37.4°... short side's length is 16.8... hypotenuse and long side's length are unknown...

~The feeling of his claws brushing against the fur on my back~

What was that dumb trig acronym again? SOH CAH TOA

~The curves on his abs pressing up against my belly~

So Sin (?) = Opposite ÷ Hypotenuse

His tongue ravaging the recess of my mouth...

... Sin (52.6) = 16.8 ÷hypotenuse

"I might be a little bi..."

_ _

Plug Sin(52.6) into my graphing calculator...

_ _

"A cute guy like you..."

That did it... and I'm not referring to the answer to the problem.

"AHHHH stupid sexy Scott!" I shouted out with flushed cheeks before collapsing down on the floor, paws gripping the sides of my muzzle. I started rolling around like I was doing one of those stop drop and roll drills from elementary school. Thankfully nobody was there to see me in my pathetic log-rolling state... Goddamn I'm a wreck...

After a good minute or twelve of whatever secret shameful display I was doing, I finally sat up and sighed, getting lost in my conflicting thoughts on the whole situation. How was I supposed to focus on these useless equations when I had these erotic memories of somebody so perfect like Scott? His body went without saying but he was just so... dreamy. He turned a gut-wrenching disaster into something so nice... accepting me for who I was... calling me cute... *internal whining noises* and my crush had only gotten worse recently. Sometimes I'd go to bed hugging my pillow pretending it was Scott I was cuddling with... his pecs and abs rubbing against my body...

Gah, I'm getting myself all steamed up again!

I shook my head and tugged on both of my ears trying to get a grip on my horny subconscious thoughts that kept popping up. I mean it WAS a nice fantasy, and it DID give me hope for my romantic future, but even when good things occasionally happen to me, trig homework still existed... and now all I wanted to do was think about what it would be like to be boyfriends with that hunky Polar Bear... and also masturbate to him.

God, these erotic and romantic thoughts were stuck in my head worse than when I first heard my favorite Dizney song 'Let it Out' from 'Freezing', I'd probably die of insanity before I had any chance of actualizing anything with Scott... Oh, maybe that was it... this nagging obsessing feeling that has been coming with the memories... it's kind of like how I feel when I put off homework too much or the FOMO I get when I'm not invited to a party that my brother was invited to... I was afraid I was going to let a chance to get together with Scott slip past me, wasn't I?

After all, in the week since the incident I've done nothing and have just been the same nervous mess I've been since I hit puberty... I was probably feeling shitty because I knew that as long as I continue to do nothing besides dream about being Scott... the slightest chance I have to get together with him was going to slip right through my fingers...

I had to at least think of something, right? Some way to make myself seem like an attractive option for Scott if he broke up with Katie... Because... if Scott did break up with Katie anytime soon, I'd have to compete with every girl in school who wanted a piece of the sexy Polar Bear. Maybe even some other guys! I was screwed... As it was now the fantasy of getting Scott as my boyfriend was just that: a fantasy.

But there had to be something I could do to step up my game so I at least had a fighting chance of attracting the Polar Bear's eye... at least so if Scott did end up picking another girl to be his next partner (which was probably the most likely outcome T.T), I could be like, 'good job Toru, you get a gold star for trying!'... *sighs*

But what? What could I do? I really needed some guidance... Somebody who knew 'the game' and Scott personally to give me a few tips on what he might like... Even if the gender confusion with tastes might be an issue. But who did I know that was enough of a player to know how to plot to snatch somebody on a breakup rebound?

...

...

...As if I even needed to ask...

We're off to see the Fuckboi The wonderful Fuckboi of Oz We hear he is a ho of a boi If ever a ho there was If ever, oh ever a ho there was

So yeah, I went off to talk to my brother.

Thanks to the loud noises coming from the Western movie my parents were watching from their bedroom, I managed to sneak past without getting asked annoying questions on why I didn't have a girlfriend of if I've tried asking Coach to bump me up to varsity football, or how that diet I was totally doing was going.

I entered Taro's messy red-painted room, which... yuck. It had all sorts of dirty clothes and old school handouts strewn across the floor, not that I was surprised. I hadn't seen his room in a while but his posters were tasteless as ever... they were all poster of violent first person shooters half naked 'babes'. Sometimes I wonder if that's what my tastes would have been if I happened to be born straight.

Taro's impossibly inappropriate homework music was playing on near blast. It was... Oh God, it was 'Booty Wave' by K'ronikka. To make things worse Taro was singing along to it at his desk. Loudly. "BOOTY WAAAAVE~ IT'S LIKE A BOOTY TSUNAMI! NOW GET DOWN ON YO KNEES AND CALL ME YO MOMMY~"

So that's why Mom and Dad soundproofed our bedrooms...

Taro was bobbing his head up and down and pumping his arms up in the air like a total tool, clearly not making any good progress on his Algebra homework...

Two seconds in and I was already reminded of why I avoid him...

It's annoying because Mom and Dad never got mad at him for once for his rambunctious behavior or clearly ineffective studying habits... but apparently staying slim and muscular, having football skills and getting a girlfriend was more important to them than grades. That's Ohio life for you...

"Uh, hey Taro! You got a moment?" I asked. No response, just more loud obnoxious singing, "YOU WANNA RIIIIDE THIS~ YOU CAN'T DENYYYY THIS! COME GET INSIIIIDE THIS~" I shook off the urge to just head back right then and there, basically screaming to get his attention, "TARO! YOU GOTTA MOMENT?"

Taro's ears flicked upwards, and he spun around on his swivel chair, an excited glimmer sparkling in his eye once he saw me. I guess it wasn't for nothing that Taro seemed excited... as much as he annoyed me, he did seem to like me and me seeking him out for conversation was definitely a rare occasion. "Heyo, little bro, wassup?" Taro said after lowering the volume on his Eye-phone stereo; not turning it off mind you, just lowering it down.

I let out a mini sigh under my breath; ten seconds in and already hit me in my inferiority complex by calling me 'little bro' when I was obviously the same age... But I had long since given up on reminding Taro that he was literally only 2 minutes older than me. There wasn't much point in getting him to stop since I did always feel like an inferior little brother anyway...

Taro's smile dropped when he saw me sigh. He got up to straddle his chair in the opposite direction, arms dangling off the back of the chair, "Wait, Samantha didn't slap you, thinking you were me again, did she?"

"No..."

Great, now it was fifteen seconds in and he managed to hit the 'twin misidentification' trigger button too...

It was just shitty because Taro was leaner and definitely looked better than me, but he also had all the same Akita fur, height, clothes and everything else as my twin that people confused us for each other all the time, which poses all sort of problems at school. Heck, it even sort of happened last week when he had ambushed me at lunch and noogied me while saying "Hey little bro, don't go making out with random Polar bears in the locker room, because people might think it was me!" ...How embarrassing. Everyone laughed at me for that... and the explanation... Gah!

I shook the embarrassing memory out of my head, it was just going to keep on happening with this guy unless I took the reins of the conversation, "I just wanted to ask about something... for a friend..."

I had thought of multiple ways to skirt around this being about me having a crush on Scott... I was asking for a nonspecific friend of mine of ambiguous gender that of course Taro probably don't even know: Cameron. There was no actual way in heck I'd let Taro know I wanted to know for me, because I was not coming out to this Dog any time soon.

"Shoot away my man!" he said excitedly, beckoning at me with both hands.

The conversation that followed was... somehow both enlightening and brain rotting.

I started off, "This is for a friend of course... My friend Cameron has this big crush on Scott and is wondering... what they can do to makethemselves seem attractive to him while waiting for him to break up with his current girlfriend. Like, rebound stuff?"

Taro had that smug look people get when they know an answer to something immediately, "Oh, that's easy as ass. She just needs to put on a show of status to get his attention is all. It's all about 'D zai er a bill ih T'."

I cringed at his intentionally butchered pronunciation. It was like he was trying to coin a word that already existed as his own phrase...

He continued, "The more guys who want this girl, the hotter she seems because she becomes a conquest goal, little bro. It's, like, psychological," Taro said, swerving his hands back and forth. He said 'psychological' with so much zing that you'd think he had a PHD on the topic.

"Oh... I guess... so if they're going around with other guys then... how do they let him know their interested?" I asked.

"What is this, amateur question hour? Har, just kidding!" Now beyond just giving a smug look, Taro pointed at me with both index fingers in one quick motion, as if he was about to bestow upon me the meaning of existence (not42) to me in the most bro-y way possible... "Low key flirting, dude. Enough to signal that she's interested but not thirsty. Maybe give a few backhanded compliments to get him fired up like, 'Yeah, you're cute... but I've seen better'. You know, whet his appetite. It's like an art, you dig? Not just for taken chicks, either but single ones too! That's just how ass is handled and served..."

Raptor Jesus Christ, is this really how straight people think about flirting with each other? It seems so underhanded! But... it doesn't seem like he doesn't know what he's saying, either...

"I guess that makes sense... Uh one more thing!" I added suddenly, a bad sinking feeling pulling down on my gut.

"Your questions are my delight!" Taro chirped back.

Now, I could probably ask Scott at some point for clarification but... Taro had to know something useful, right? He was on varsity football so he got to see Scott at his Scottiest: the Football locker rooms. There had to be something there...

But this was going to be a rough one. I had to tread lightly here. Can't hesitate, can't act suspicious. Act cool and casual about it. "Hey you know how Scott is always slapping Rob's ass and he and Alistair always make jokes about giving each other brojobs and dumping their girlfriends for each other?"

Yep, those were some gay-sounding words flying out of my mouth.

"Heh heh, yeah, hilarious," Taro chuckled with a loud snort, to my irritation.

Of course homoerotic behavior is hilarious to you... but whatever, I have bigger worries, like getting through this without raising suspicion to myself! Here goes!

"Do you think Scott's maybe like..." I felt myself hesitating. The 'afraid of being outed fairy' was dancing around my head, I could feel it. It felt something like standing in public without clothing and shave fur. I never mentioned anything about gay stuff with Taro before because I didn't want him to ever indirectly suspect me. But I had to push on! No turning back! "-bi or something?"

...Raptor Jesus, please guide my closeted self safely back to shore!

Taro's head cocked backwards a bit, he seemed... thankfully not weirded out, but taken off guard, "Quite the strange question you're asking there, little bro."

"So... no?" I asked, sweat beginning to wet my fur. I was already looking for an out to the conversation, typical cowardly me...

Taro let out a slightly uncomfortable-sounding 'hmmmm' before answering, "I mean, that's just male bonding, right? Rob and Alistair are total Alphas with high 'D zai er a bill ih T', so even other dudes would want to get a little feel or joke about brojobs. It's all totally not homo though. But... I guess I can't say he's not bi, either though."

Oh, I was really digging my own grave here... "So this desirability and 'alpha' thing... it works between straight guys? Does it also work between straight and gay guys?" at this point I was sweating bullets.

Maybe I could finally lose some weight from sweating this much! hahahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA AHHHHHHHH WHY AM I DOING THIS?! I WANT THIS CONVERSATION TO END NOW BUT I KEEP GOING WITH IT!

He was looking at me suspiciously... He had an eyebrow cocked up. He wasn't making the connection that I was this friend of mine was he? Twin ESP didn't decide to suddenly be a thing did it? Oh no, I forgot Taro totally knew about the joke-but-not-really-a-joke makeout session I had with Scott in the locker room! He had evidence to link this 'friend of mine' to me being gay!

...please...

"Okay so what I'm reading in to this situation is that this Cameron_friend of yours is a _dood, Toru_._"

Eep!

"Maybe..." I said, feeling like it was the last word I would say before an imminent demise.

He looked at me skeptically for a moment, but then just shrugged, to my infinite relief. "Weird... But yeah like, I dunno, I don't usually think about gay shit... but my 'D zai er a bill ih T' theory is iron-clad science-backed legit sauce, so I guess it should work since Scott isn't homophobic or whatever."

Okay, yes, good, safe!

Realizing that he wasn't going to press the issue felt like Castielan angel had just saved me from falling into the depths of hell. "So, it's possible that Scott might show interest in a gay guy?" I asked, suppressing the hope in my nerve-wracked heart.

Taro, actually forced to think for once, started absentmindedly rapping his fists against the back of his chair, one hand in a quarter note speed and the other in triplets. He had crazy rhythmic skills like that... eventually he came up with an answer, "Yeah, I guess? If Cameron is like some sort of super alpha queer with half the chicks in school obsessing over him and tons of guys pining for his D&A then maybe his 'D zai er a bill ih T' would be enough for a probably straight guy like Scott to want to mess around while drunk or some shit."

It wasn't ideal, but it was something! "So... what can he do to start? To raise his desirability? Like any, specifics?" I asked eagerly.

Taro continued his rapping at an impressively faster speed, now seemingly slightly annoyed (at my persistence with the gay shit). The smug look was definitely nowhere to be seen when he replied, but he did come through for me, "Uh... best thing for now is probably to get a really hot date for homecoming, I guess? If your friend gushed over how masculine and manly his date is, that could get Scott feeling jealous for his attention and wanting to assert his alpha status... but this wasn't my idea, okay? If that happens I didn't have anything to do with it."

Considering how bro-y Scott acts, that kinda seems like it could work...

_ _

Well, actually...

_ _

Except...

_ _

Wait...

_ _

Oh...

_ _

Oh no...

"What if he's..." At that moment I had a certain feeling of dread... like when you were about to get passed back a test that you knew you did poorly, or right before getting yelled at by your dentist on why you weren't flossing, "...still in the closet?"

Taro just shrugged and responded nonchalantly, "Then he should

come

_ _

out

_ _

of

_ _

the

_ _

cloooooooset

, duh."

POW! My tail was curling in on itself. I was putting on a plain expression, but my fur felt like it was shrinking into my skin. His words were echoing in my head, laughing at me... why was a hypothetical conversation getting under my skin this much?? This didn't feel right anymore, I needed to back out right then and there, "Okay then, that answers all my questions, thanks Taro..." I said with a suppressed urgency as I began to back the fuck out of his room.

Taro gave me a thumbs up, "Just ask me anything if you need any help, little bro. Always willing to help my brother and his uh... friend Cameron. But hey since you're here, you wanna do some beatboxing?"

I skirted the offer with a noncommittal 'Maybe later... thanks again', and absconded 1 2 3 boom out of his room, with a racing heartbeat and what felt like absolute zero blood sugar level. My body was so stiff as I headed back to my room that I was practically waddling like a feral penguin.

I was so shook I couldn't hear my parents casually call my name as they detected me clumsily walking past my room. Luckily they didn't press it because I probably couldn't hold a conversation in that state. Thoughts were swirling in my head like a vortex. Something was brewing...

...Why did that advice hit me so hard? I just wanted to know if Scott maybe had any other bisexual tendencies... and it wasn't even about me. I think Taro didn't catch on that Cameron wasn't real, but somehow it hit a nerve when he said 'come out of the closet'...

_ _

I froze in place. It hit me light lightning.

_ _

...Was this the missing link? Was that why it sounded like claws scraping on a chalkboard to me? Like there was this thing that I obviously should have been addressing for so long but have just kept on putting off?

Let's entertain the thought for a moment... cons aside, if I were to come out, like really openly come out then... what would that get me?

On one hand there was Scott... he did know I was in the closet... which is like a massive indication that I have no confidence in myself, which definitely couldn't be helping my chances... not to mention how much he insisted our friends at lunch wouldn't care, made it seem like he almost wanted me to tell them...

Plus that homecoming scheme idea was entirely dependent on that premise that Cameron *I* was out of the closet... Sounded like coming out would only benefit me in that regard...

But then there was something else there... confidence... my insecurities... me. I've always thought of open gay guys as flamboyant queens that are super feminine and their only use is as a sass machine for their gal pals... I've been so afraid of that, but with hiding this part of me I've always felt like I lived as a weaker less interesting version of Taro. Like I was being pigeonholed into this mold that I could never fit into... but maybe this was my key to breaking out of that mold. I could be something that Taro never could be... gay... my own person...

...but I'm so scared.

_ _

...If Sean or his friends or the other JV football guys find out...

_ _

...The teasing...

_ _

...The abuse...

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...What would Mom and Dad say?

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...Would they bring up grandpuppies?

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...Could I survive my almost three remaining years of high school as 'out'?

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...What if I get called a fag?

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...What if I get made fun of?

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...What if I get beaten up?

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...

_ _

...

_ _

...

_ _

...But Scott said he would protect me.

And I knew he meant it.

That's just it then, isn't it? If I couldn't do accomplish something like this then... I not only wouldn't get Scott's interest, I wouldn't deserve it.

...This all suddenly started feeling like a lot more than just me having a crush on Scott.

So what did that leave me with? What would be my next move?

I did hear something about the homecoming dance being LGBT themed from Allie's post on Muzzlebook, so, maybe it was fate that that's where I would do it. It would be a safe place to first see what it's like to be out. If I was gonna make a statement, I needed to bring a date to Homecoming then, and, preferably a hot one? Easier said than done...

_ _

I guess I didn't need a date to come out... but it would be nice to have somebody with me who could support me. But that was a stretch. It wasn't like I really had any gay friends, much less a masculine sexy-

_ _

-Wait

I did know somebody...