#28 - Intercourse With The Vampire
#28 of The Many Perversions of Romari Susi
Romari Susi is a dirty old wolf, the emperor of a mighty nation, and the joint-CEO of a massive worldwide corporation; he's well respected, and is closeted from the rest of the world, though it's a poorly kept secret at best. He shares his bed with his straight-laced secretary, co-CEO, and mate Neal, who is a flying fox (AKA, a fruit bat). Luckily for their domestic tranquility, Neal is rather open to his mate's wide-ranging romantic exploits.
Joining them in their adventures is the captain of their imperial guard, a raccoon named Taxas.
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INTERCOURSE WITH THE VAMPIRE
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Sir Hans Friedrich Ferdinand III:"Zo, let me zee if I have zhiz right. You, Romari, altered zhe law to allow gay marriagez in zuch a vay zpecifically to zcrew zhe ztraight people."
Imperial Sovereign Romari: *Grumbles* "It's not like I'm going to screw them any other way."
Hans:"And in zo doing, you allow for matrimonialz vith feralz, hmm?"
Romari:"That was a complete accident."
Hans:"But...?"
Romari:"...yes."
Hans:"Due to zhe vording of anozher law, only citizenz are allowed to marry, meaning any zpeciez of feralz vhich do zo are conzidered citizenz of zhe empire vith full legal rightz. Now von of your employeez iz taking advantage of zhe zituation to marry a breeding ztallion you own -- or, razher, owned -- and iz now prezzing chargez againzt you for organized zlavery, among ozher zhingz. If zhingz go badly, you could zerve zeveral lifetimez in prizon. Yez?"
Romari:"Yes."
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Hans: "HAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Imperial Assistant Neal: *Sighs* "Why am I not surprised?"
Captain of the Guard Taxas:"Sir? Is there another lawyer you and His Excellency could use? Maybe?"
Neal:"While I admit that his demeanor is somewhat...peculiar--"
Hans: *Falls out of his chair, gasping for breath*
Neal:"--Sir Hans Friedrich Ferdinand III is marked as the very best lawyer in the empire. Over the course of the last twenty years, he's only lost six cases, which is unprecedented, especially given that many of them were quite difficult. Considering the severity of the crimes we're charged with, I believe we need him, and badly."
Taxas:"Okay, Neal. It's just that...um..."
Neal:"Yes?"
Taxas:"Nothing. Nevermind."
Neal:"Captain, I value your opinion a great deal. If you have reservations about our choice of legal counsel, I want to hear them."
Taxas:"Well, I don't know if it's His Eminence's ranting doing it or what, but Hans really, really creeps me out. He stares at me like he's starving and I'm a seven-course meal--"
Romari: "Oh get a grip on yourself, Hans!"
Taxas:"--at least, when he's not rolling around on the floor and laughing his head off. I've never seen an herbivore look so...predatory. It's scary, and I'm not the kind of man who admits to that kind of thing easily. I'd feel better if His Imperial Highness would at least let me bring along a gun or three."
Neal:"If he bothers you that much, we could bring someone else next time--"
Taxas: "Oh no. I don't think so. I'm one of the best fighters and marksmen in the military, and I have the credentials to prove it. I'm not about to leave you with him without proper protection. You're too important to m... Err... That is, you're important to the empire, and you're innocent, besides."
Romari: "Just yuck it up, Dracula. I hope your sense of humor consoles you when I'm at the mercy of some big beefy Brahma bull named Bubba, and you're wishing it was you impaling me instead of him."
Taxas:"Well, innocent of this, anyway."
Neal:"I don't think anyone who knows His Excellency could describe him as 'innocent' in any other capacity with a straight face. 'Juvenile' certainly, but not 'innocent'."
Taxas:"If this guy really is your best bet... Well, I'll just have to deal with it."
Neal:"Thank you, Captain. That means a great deal to me."
Romari: "Come on, Hans! It's been almost three hours since I got laid! If we don't wrap this up soon I won't be able to make it to the car, and I don't want to pay you for another lawsuit involving sex in public!"
Neal:"And to His Eminence as well, I'm sure."
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For a comprehensive list of all of them, go here: http://www.old.sofurry.com/page/318694/user.