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The Ballad of Phillip

Chapter 7: March 1996 - December 1996

I ran down the street with tears in my eyes. I finally ended my first relationship and I felt so many conflicting emotions. I was angry at Aaron for treating me the way he did. I was angry at myself for having been with him. I was also sad. Sad because I felt I had failed. Sad because the one thing I wanted so much in this world, a relationship, was over. When I reached my apartment I locked the door and just sat in my room and cried the rest of the night. I even disconnected my phone so he couldn't call me. The pain of separation is a horrible feeling. Separating yourself from the man you once loved when a part of you still loves him while the rest of you hates him. I felt that pain for a very long time and I will never forget it.

I don't know how I summoned up the strength to perform with my band the next night, but somehow I did. Since this was our farewell show, it didn't surprise anyone to see me sad. They all assumed I was sad because the band had broken up and while I still was upset over that, the break up with Aaron felt way worse. At least the audience loved our song. I heard many cheers followed by people begging us to stay together. It was nice to know that so many people gave a damn. But not even the love of the audience could lift my spirits. After the show, I finally decided to tell someone about my breakup with Aaron. I chose Vlad because he was nicer to me than the other guys. I asked to talk to Vlad in private and he gave me a confused look, but obliged anyway.

"Aaron and I broke up", I said.

"I'm sorry to hear that", Vlad said, placing an arm around my shoulder.

I then told him what happened that night and Vlad responded with, "well you're better off without him Phillip."

"But he's the only man who ever loved me. I'll never find love again", I said.

"Sure you will Phillip. It will just take time", Vlad said.

I think I spent the next month or two just moping around. Crying almost everyday and constantly thinking about Aaron. When a relationship dies, the dreams attached to it die also. I had so many dreams of Aaron and I living a long, happy life together and now that was never gonna happen. It's hard to let a dream die. I didn't want to go back to him, though it did cross my mind. I was in a dark place, I felt sad and angry. I hated everything. Occasionally Vlad would visit me, which was nice, but I still had a long way to go before I felt happiness again.

At some point in May, an idea came to me. What if I wrote down my feelings? One night I did just that and I wrote more than I ever did in my life. It started with just words like, "hurt", "pain", etc., but then I started writing lines which became poems. These poems became songs. When I was done writing, I had enough material to make two albums. As I looked at my work, I pondered the idea of making them into one cohesive album. My music up to this point had been happy with only a few sad songs here and there. This album though would be filled with nothing but sad songs, though some could be considered more angry than sad. On top of that though, if I released this album, there was no way I could stay in the closet for much longer. I knew reporters and fans would keep asking me who the album was about and it wouldn't be long before I gave in and told them. Plus, maybe I would feel better to get this secret off my chest. I wrestled with this issue for awhile, but what finally got me to decide was the record execs. You see, the other members of the Travellers were coming out with their own solo records soon and the record company kept pressuring me to release one too. Finally I decided to shut them up and make a new record. I tried to write a happy one, similar to my first solo record, but I couldn't write anything happy. It was as if all of my creative energies were consumed by sadness making it impossible to write anything light and happy. So all I had was my collection of breakup songs.

I went into the studio in June and began recording. As with my previous album I set my keyboard to emulate an electric guitar. I considered hiring an additional guitar player or even a drummer, but I decided against it. I wanted this album to be completely made by me. No guest musicians, no producers, just me. I played the keyboard, sang, mixed, and produced everything on the album. I did this because I knew this record was vastly different than what the record company wanted from me and the less input I had from others the better. Plus, I didn't want the album to sound polished. I wanted it to sound raw just like the lyrics. Yet the hardest thing about the album wasn't mixing or producing it myself with no outside help, it was naming it. I called it many different names during the summer of '96: "Aaron Broke My Heart", "Phillip Torrence 2", and "Love is a Lie" just to name a few. The name I ended up choosing was inspired by a conversation I had with Vlad. It was a hot August day in the city and we were eating ice cream at a local creamery on 12th street. Vlad was talking about his new album with Ritchie and I talked a little bit about my album. I noticed that everytime Vlad talked about Ritchie, he got this happy look on his face and would let out a murr.

"You're murring over Ritchie again", I said.

"Oh. Sorry", Vlad said blushing.

"So are you in love with him?", I asked.

"I think I am, but were just friends with benefits. We want to keep things casual", Vlad said, though I wasn't exactly convinced he wanted things to be so casual.

"I see. Best not to get into any serious relationship. They all fail", I said.

"Phillip, that's not true. There's tons of happy couples in this world", Vlad said.

"Bullshit. Love is a fucking lie", I said.

"Phillip, I'm sure you'll find love again. Aaron just wasn't the right guy", Vlad said.

"I don't love him anymore, and I don't care about him either! I don't love anyone anymore. My heart feels...dead", I said.

"I'm sorry you feel that way Phillip", Vlad said.

"It is what it is", I said. Then it hit me. I finally knew what to call my new album. The next day I went into the studio and recorded a song by the name of "My Heart is Dead" and decided to give the album the same name. Of all the songs I created for the album this is my most favorite because while it has a dark, melancholy sound to it, it is also a hard rocking anthem. An anthem for all of those who've ever had their hearts broken. Once I finished mixing and producing, I sent a copy of the album to Fred, who really liked it. Unfortunately, the other execs had mixed views on it. Some thought it was too sad, others liked it. I was invited to listen in on one of their meetings and hear their thoughts on my work.

"Phillip, why can't you write something happy?", a husky by the name of Vance said.

"Yeah, something we can dance too", a red fox named Victoria said.

"No, I think it's great as it is", A wolf named Virginia said.

"Listen guys. Breakup albums sell. They cause a stir and people want to know who the album is about. It will give Phillip a lot of attention. This will be a success, I know it", Fred said confidently. They all debated back and forth for a bit before finally deciding to release "My Heart is Dead." The release was scheduled for September 23, 1996 with the first single, which would be the title track, coming out the week before. As the release date drew closer and closer, I grew nervous. What would people think of it? What will their reaction be when I come out? I didn't know the answer to the first question yet, but I decided to leave subtle hints in the album's artwork to make the coming out part less of a surprise. The most obvious clue is on the bottom of the liner notes where I wrote the words "To the man I once loved" in small white letters. I felt these clues would make coming out easier.

When the first single hit the radio, it was a much bigger success than I had ever anticipated and when the album released it was practically flying off the shelves. I had hoped at least some people would like it, but never did I expect it to be loved by so many. The critics called it the best hard rock breakup record of the 1990s and of course, everyone wanted to know who I broke up with. At first I was going to be like Carly Simon when she released "You're So Vain" and never reveal who the song was about, but that didn't last long. A couple days after the album dropped, I was invited to be a guest on "Vulpine Rock Live", a TV show that featured foxes in hard rock bands. I was a little nervous, but I agreed. The interview started off great with just some simple questions before moving into the album.

"So I'm really digging "My Heart is Dead", but I've gotta ask, who's it about?", the host of the show, a black, red, and white fox that went by the stage name "Lonnie Metalfur."

"Well...I was in a relationship with someone and I thought that someone cared about me, but it turned out they didn't. Their own desires were apparently more important than my own", I said.

"I see. Now there's a rumor going around that this person was Aaron Conway. Is that true?", Metalfur said.

I froze unsure how to respond. How did everyone guess that already? "Um...what makes you say that", I said nervously.

"You were seen together a lot", Metalfur said.

"No! We were just friends!", I said, an old knee jerk reaction kicking in.

"Really? Is that all?", Metalfur said in an annoying voice.

"...Okay fine. I'm gay and he and I were boyfriends is that what you wanted to hear?!", I said, tears starting to stream down my face. In a matter of seconds I just came out to the world and there I was crying in front of millions of viewers. You can not imagine how embarrassed I felt. Crying and admitting my deepest secret publicly. Then I felt an arm around my shoulder.

"It's okay Phillip", a familiar voice said.

"Vlad? What are you doing here?", I asked.

"I found out about the interview ahead of time. I had a feeling you would be pressed into coming out", Vlad said, giving Metalfur a dirty look.

"Thanks Vlad", I said.

"You're welcome buddy", Vlad said.

I heard the audience say "Awww" followed by clapping. I had done the one thing Aaron had always wanted me to do, come out. I don't think he had this setting in mind, though. How did it feel to finally come out and get such a nice reaction? I still felt embarrassed, but I felt somewhat relieved. Now that my sexuality was out in the open, there was no reason to hide it anymore.

I performed the song "My Heart is Dead" followed by the ballad, "Where Did All Our Dreams Go?" that night. The audience cheered when I finished the first song and even chanted my name. They loved the second song too and, at least in the front row, it moved them to tears. I loved having such a warm reception to my music and my sexuality. I'm lucky to have had this reaction, there are many gays in this world who are not so lucky and my heart goes out to them.

I toured for the remainder of 1996 and by the end of it I felt a little bit better, but I still felt the pain of going through a breakup. At least I knew I was on the road to recovery and had hope for the future, even if it was one in which I had no boyfriend. I did not have much of a love life for the next ten years, but at least I didn't have any boyfriend issues...yet.