FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I packed the first bag the day things started to go downhill. The day I noticed he wasn't Riley anymore. Not the Riley I knew anyways. Together for seven years, but it was a slow decline. Or maybe it wasn't. My memory don't serve me so damn good anymore. Everybody says the seven year itch is a bitch, but this ain't it.

When I look back at who we've always been, it's different than living in the moment. In those moments everything was just right. We were kids, still figuring ourselves out, still waiting to take on the world because we had a lot of life left in us. But looking back, there were cracks lingering between us that I wish I had felt back then. You don't always feel it when you should. That's all a part of life, I guess. Or maybe it ain't, maybe I'm just the unlucky bastard who drew the wrong straw and took this path.

It was my birthday when I realized we were done. I said we should eat at the House of Pies, but he didn't want to. Said the food was bland; that he knew I had no taste but to pick the one restaurant because the pies was good was insufferable. I let him choose where we ate that night because ain't that what you're supposed to do? Toss away everything for yourself and ensure your lover's happiness? At least, that's what I thought was right. Or maybe I did it because I was weak. Right now things are just a blur.

It's funny, y'know, trying to look back at an entire lifespan of a relationship and see only fuzzy lines like a tube tv gone bad---like the VCR ain't clean. It's like you live those moments and as you live them they're the best fucking thing every, but then you look back and see all the red flags, the warning signs, the flashing lights that tell you to get as far away as possible, but you don't want to believe them when you're alive. Right then. All you want is for that beautiful disaster to remain whole. Forever. But even forever has cracks in it. Like a car leaking oil, the good bleeds dry.

Riley was a helluva rabbit, the whitest fucking fur you ever seen. It was like snow, just sticking to a body, ears tipped with blue that seemed unnatural. It was like the sky on a fall afternoon in Texas. Just blue, pure fucking blue, same as his eyes. When I married him, I got lost in his ocean.

Though my fur was short, that tight-assed bunny knew how to make it stand on edge. The day we said our "I Do's" he rubbed his paws along my mane, the gold of my hair shivering along the navy waters of my fur. I was the happiest horse that day.

We never left each others arms, cuddling, holding hands at dinner, we were connected by touch the whole day. It was the most contact I had in our whole relationship, and I was happy to get that morsel he tossed at me.

But that was who we were. Together, yet apart because he would get uncomfortable with touching. Even if I brushed his arm he would wince, or push me away. When we slept together in bed, I had one small coffin area I was confined to. Not able to cross the line or get in his area or he couldn't sleep.

I kept to these rules. What else are you to do when you love someone? I kept to them well.

*

The week after my birthday, I was changing the oil on our car. Though it was in my name, I liked to think we owned it. It was ours. Paid off, no car note, just the upkeep. He never drove but it didn't matter. I was happy to spin around town. Driving takes the edge off my shoulders. There's a peace to it all when you're zooming down the freeway, the world a blur and the music blazing through the speakers. It was always a momentary nirvana.

The sun was just above us both as he walked his limber body from the home. He wore the same clothes as he did three days ago. He swore he changed, but he never did. The same cheeto stains on his shirt glowed in the afternoon air.

He tapped me on my thigh and I just about beat my head against the car, but I pushed my body out from underneath the 5K piece of machinery and sat up staring at him. He said, "I wish you had a spine that could carry more than the weight of your gut."

The sun burned into the darkness of my fur. If there were ever a more miserable time to start a fight, right then and there was it. I brusted my hands through the gold strands of my hair and looked up at him, eyes squinted. Confused. Hot. I don't always keep my cool in the worst conditions. So I just spat back, "Yea, well I sometimes wish you weren't a tight assed bitch all the time." He didn't take that too well.

"Goddammit JC, you're fucking pathetic, you know that? You would let the world walk all over you if you let them. And you do, you just don't want to believe it. Barely a man at all if you ask me."

"Yea, well who the fuck is asking you, anyways?" I was pissed by this point. Blood toiled underneath flesh. I took a wrag from my back pocket and started wiping the oil off my hands. You could never tell if it got off though, Navy and Oil are just too intertwined in darkness to stay visible.

He took a sip of his Mt. Dew, well, more of a chug but what do I know. I just remember his throat pulsing as the carbonated liquid slide down. Drops of green oozing down the sides of his mouth and sticking to his white fur. Upon finishing a loud burp erupted from his mouth, the stench of salt and cheetos lingering in the air. He looked me dead in the face, "I was just thinking about it. Just thinking how you're not the man I imagined marrying. Just the shell of what I wanted."

I packed more bags that night.

*

I had just gotten off of work. Un-tucked my shirt, my belly bulging a bit from being stuffed underneath the tightness of a button down and slacks that I've worn for a few days. Normally I don't reuse them, but the laundry wasn't done and god help asking for help.

I tossed my clothes and just meandered around the house in a pair of black briefs. Riley always hated that. If I could get away with it, I'd wander nude, but he hated the sight of a naked body on a good day. The days have been bad and I'm not ready to see what that would look like.

He had already started on the whiskey. Full this morning, he had torn through most of the bottle as he lounged in the same clothes as yesterday, and the day before, and the day before. It was weird. The house was silent. It was as if our power went out, yet all the lights worked. There was no screaming at the game console, no clicking of the mouse or furious typing. Even his breathing was quiet.

I stepped into the living room, the dim lights enlivening the darkened blue of my fur. What night sky should I have become that night? When I think back to it, I wished I were empty. Yet my fur carried a small flurry of stars at its edges, like atlantean tears. Pleiades escaped, I found Riley sitting in his office chair, downing a glass of Jameson. His chair squealed like a pig up for slaughter; as if our neighbor were lying in our living room waiting for him to drive the knife in his protruding belly so that he may eat of him. And when I looked into his eyes, there was nothing.

They were a metaphor for emptiness; a symbol of vacancy that is beyond any description I could muster. I just know it was cold, so goddamn cold. "I want you to fuck me." The words were as cold as the rest of him. Normally, you wouldn't have to tell me twice to stick my dick in you, but there was something different about this. Something not right. And before I could even force a syllable from my lips he started again, "I want you to rape me. Beat me. I want you to make me worthless, cause I am worthless. I am an impossible disaster. Just like my father always told me."

What the fuck was he asking? We had talked about getting rougher in bed before. He wanted light punching, and maybe finally some anal since that had been lacking for years, but what the fuck was he setting before me? I stood before him, dumbfounded. "No." It was all I could utter. I couldn't fathom anything at that moment. I couldn't bring my stars to align and say anything other than "no."

And I saw it. Every inch of glass that made his body just shatter. Riley started shaking, a tear streaming down from his face as he lifted his fist and start ramming it into his face. Over, and over, just pummeling himself. Bits of white fur flung through the air as his thin arms wailed into whatever part of his body he could manage to find.

I shot in to grab his arm, but the moment I touched him, his fist rammed right into my chest and I was thrown to the floor. He beat himself for seemed like hours. He pummeled his belly, his balls, face, everything he could reach until he finally calmed down. Then he spoke, and whatever pain I felt in my body just intensified, as if a bad toothache flourished to my hooves. "A real man would have stopped me. But you're just a shell. A spineless being with a cock that's incompatible with my body. Why the fuck do you even love me?" He squatted down and placed his hand on my shoulder as I pulled myself up. "Some days, I just wish you'd kill yourself."

*

"You know, I worry you'll leave me." he lie on my lap, his hand brushing my leg as we watch TV in the living room. His fingers teased the shortness of my dark fur then moved to connecting dots that were strung along my body. A week since he threw me to the floor, he clung to me as if I were his last chance at life. As if he needed me to keep him alive, else what would the world do to him if I were gone? But that was him, knowing exactly what buttons to push to keep me safe. To make me feel as if everything that had happened was just a one time deal and that it'd never happen again.

I sipped my evening coffee, something he even made. Granted he didn't get it right, but who was I to ignore the gesture. "I ain't left you yet, have I?" I say that, yet I've been packing my bags with every incident that happens. Little by little, taking them to a storage unit, planning what escape I could while he slept. Whatever ride we were on was ending, and ending soon.

There was something bitter about this coffee. I know. All coffee is bitter, but this was different. This was powdery, as if something was mixed in but not well. I shrugged it off to just powdered creamer, but the texture seemed more aspirin than cream. It didn't take long for me to feel it. An overwhelming sense of exhaustion curling over my bones. My body sinking into the couch, muscles relaxed to the point of numb and calm. My fingers let go of my cup, coffee spilling over me and the rabbit. He jumped up and said something, but my brain couldn't quite comprehend what was going on. Slowly, everything went black.

*

I can tell I'm dreaming. Though the sun is warm across my body, and the sand feels good on my feet I know my brain is bringing up desires to soothe my slumber. He lies on the beach, a pair of trunks. The waves flow seamlessly onto the shore as we relax.

"I've never been to a beach before, my family always wanted to take me but we never did. A creek? Yes, but never a beach." he said lifting himself up.

"Well, now you have, babe. It's nice being out for once. The house was getting a little too crowded."

His eyes stared me dead. It was like I said something that set him off. "You don't like being home? You don't like that I'm there?"

"That's not it, babe. It's just nice to get out every once in awhile." I quickly responded.

"Oh yea, I'm sure. Fuck, JC. why can't you just not say whatever's on your mind. You ruin so much just by talking."

Fuck this, I'm out of here." I said walking away. I wandered off into the ocean, the waves encompassing my body. I could see the sky change, but I didn't care. I wanted to be held by something, anything. And these waters welcomed me with open arms. Welcomed me because they have no one else to welcome. I sunk down into its depths, let the blues turn black.

This was not a dream that I wanted to remain in.

*

"I know you're leaving." The words were cold, traveling cold waters as they left his lips. Each letter was a boat that swam around my skull as I started to wake up. My body was relaxed, as if I had never gotten such a good sleep until now. The kind of sleep you have after the best sex in your life. The room a blur still, I tried to sit up but a hand pushed me back down. I could feel our bed under me. I could feel my hands and legs bound together. The rope irritated my short blue fur. I wonder if my stars were shining now, or if they disappeared during my slumber.

"What's going on?" The words were lazy. Limping off my tongue as if they were a midnight drunk wandering home. My mind started to release the anxiety through my body. I could hear my heart beating quicker, my hands struggling against the ropes as my eyes finally saw our room clearly. Dimly lit by the lamp, he stood over me, brushing the gold of my hair.

"I know you're leaving me, JC. I saw you packing your bags the other night." I struggled hard against the bindings but nothing was loosening them.

"I was going to tell you, I just needed..."

"The right time? Fuck there is no right time, you miserable stupid fuck! And honestly, did you think you were just going to leave? I need you, goddammit. You may be the stupidest boy in the world, but I fucking need you." His face was a concoction of fear and anger. Eyes widened, yet the ocean in his eyes looked like they were on the brink of a storm. An ugly storm. His fur looked ragged. I know he hasn't bathed in awhile, but damn was every strand dead set on reaching the sky their own way. His ears were kept down. He was wild as he stood in front of me. The wildest person I'd ever seen. And I had nothing to defend myself, only bindings. To keep me tied down tight.

"Need me? For what? You seem so dead set on making me out to be so worthless. Why would you need someone who means nothing to you?" I don't know if that's really what I wanted to ask, but those are the words that slid out.

"I don't mean it when I call you stupid. It's a joke. I've told you this before, but no you gotta go and be all pansy about it. I love you, JC, yet you just see it as me being 'mean' to you." His arms were flailing around as if the madness was taking him over. I started to wonder if he was always this mad, always this little bit of crazy lingering in his body only to come out in the most urgent of times. I wondered if this was our decline or if he had always had this darkness in his heart. I kept working the ropes, pulling my hands apart, thinking if I could just wear them down then I could get free. I wriggled them around, yet the ropes were strong against me. "I need you, you're the only one who will love me. Who would even consider loving a monster like I am. I need you to stay." I could hear the tears slide down his cheeks. His voice started to break, a giant wail escaping his throat as he threw himself on top of me. My bare chest getting soaked in his tears. His hand moved down and grabbed my bulge, my briefs hugging me tight. His hand slowly massaged away, my cock hardening. What was happening right now? What was I going through? This madness washed over us like lava spewing from a dormant volcano. His desperation, his insanity had started to control us here in this room. I had to get away. Riley was changing right in front of me, various forms of the monster bleeding from his fur. How long did it lie dormant inside him? "Please stay, I'll do anything. I'll let you fuck me more often, see? You like that, right?"

I struggled against him, bucking his hand away. My elbow connected with his face. A sliver of night sky clashed with his face. He was no longer the blue sky I had been in love with. This monster was now different. Desperate. Cold. It was like all his fears and anger just entered into a boiling pot and they just started popping off as they heated up. He let out a harsh, shattering scream and hopped off the bed. As he assessed his face, I wriggled violently, trying to break free from the bed. I needed to get away. I needed to get out. He ran out of the room and came back with a pot, steaming. I fell to the floor in my raging escape and he poured the contents of the pot all over the back of my left legs. He had burned me, I could hear my flesh boil as he poured. I couldn't keep from screaming, what resolve I carried inside me left the moment the water rushed over my limb. My voice erupted in a violence unknown to me before now.

He took the pot and shoved it hard into my back, burning what night sky I carried there. I bucked up but he shoved me back down. When I saw my hands in front of my face, I forced my mouth on the ropes and started to gnaw hard, my throat still screaming from the pain. He left the room as my teeth chewed furiously. As I felt the rope loosen he returned, his sewing kit in hand. "I won't hurt you anymore if you say you're not leaving. I will do anything to keep the best relationship I've ever had. You're the only one who'll let me walk all over you."

He started driving his sewing needles along my shoulder blades, sending them in deep yet slow. Though the pain was minimal, he knew of my fear of needles well. He knew the slowness would cause me to shake, cause me to fear him.

As he finished driving what felt like the millionth one in, the rope finally broke around my hands. My body flushed around, punching him in the face. I started to tear my feet, the ropes damaged from his boiling water stunt. Before I could get up, he kicked me hard in the face, a tooth flying off in the madness of the room.

I pulled him to the floor, his body landed in my chest, arms wrapped around my torso, "remember when we first slept together, like this? My arms hugging you tight? You said you could only ever love me, that my ocean eyes held you in place." he stared back at me, his eyes seeming full with something. He was trying to catch me with his gaze as he's done so many times before. When you have the perfect set of eyes, you can do just about anything.

Quickly, I pushed him off, getting up and limping away. My leg hurt but I had to get out, had to leave these walls. I entered the kitchen first, a blue/green glow from the television lighting my path. I limped my way to our living room, the door only feet away. I rush quickly as I saw it hit the door, a bottle of jack daniels flying faster than a baseball at a game. Glass spewed everywhere, cutting my face as I jumped back from the impact. The needles in my back making me uncomfortable, I grabbed the first thing I could find, an umbrella, and swung at him as he approached me.

"You will love me, goddammit." he screamed, the pointed tip of my weapon hitting his face. I jabbed it hard into his chest, knowing it wouldn't penetrate but at least be uncomfortable enough to get way. I grabbed the door handle and yanked it hard my way but the door wouldn't open. The handle had broken off as I tried to get out. I threw the handle at my attacker and limped out of the living room and toward our garage. He ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife as I pushed through the door. I rushed to the car, trying to open the door, but they were locked.

He jangled the keys in front of me and slammed the door behind him. He set the alarm causing red lights from the car to flush on in our darkness. I could see the yellow from the front end. I ran for the garage door, trying to lift it, but seeing it the handle bolted down. How long had he been planning this. I tried furiously again to open the car but to no avail. He slowly walked his way up to me, knife in hand. "You never gave us a chance! You gave up on us years ago, didn't you!" He screamed over and over.

Frustrated I punched through the window of the passenger side and opened the door. Glass embedded in my navy fur. I couldn't see the blood oozing out from it, but I didn't have time to check it. I latched my fists to the car door to bring it my way. Riley got his hands caught in the path. Snow trapped in the cracks, he screamed again and shot back his arms, forcing the door to open slightly. I watched the keys fall from his hand to the floor and I thrust open the ajar door to grab them. Riley shot back up and tried to snatch them away. When I looked him in his eyes, I noticed the ocean was gone now. There was no longer a blue sea waiting for its lover; only a wine dark beast thirsty to kill anyone who was brave to sail his waters.

Though he was white blur, I was faster. I slammed the door shut, jumped into the driver's seat. The moment I started that beast I put it in drive. My hand ached from the glass caught in my fur, but I didn't care. I needed to get out. He latched onto the broken window as I sped out of the house, tires blasting through the garage door. I saw Riley's body pulled away from the car by the impact as I made it outside. I stared for a moment, seeing his body twisted, unsure how damaged, if anything, he could be. The neighbors acres away, we were alone out here. As I was about to pull out of the driveway, I see this white figure burst up. The bitch ran fast towards me, and all I could do was drive. His body flung onto the hood of my car, I reversed quick causing him to hang tight. Under the moonlight, all I could see were the thin white arms attached to his body. Those eyes pierced through the windshield. I didn't want to find out what storms were happening inside.

When I stopped he remained on. Riley was not about to let go. His skeletal claws clung tight to whatever they could find. So I put it in drive, speeding quick, tires screeching as we both move forward. I make it to the edge of our street and stop abruptly, the force finally causing him to let go. Before he could get up I drive over him hearing his bones crack underneath the weight of this beast. I run back, then forward one last time, crushing whatever was left of his body as I sped off to somewhere. Anywhere. Just to get gone.