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Arh was staring off into the sky. Nestled as I was in his arm with my head on his shoulder, we lay together while the high of the best sex either of us have had in years faded from heaving embraces to tender stroking. This moment in calm silence, relishing the feel of his scales under my fingers as they grazed along his flesh, we watched the clouds lazily cross the sky.

He lay back, cradling his head with one arm and the other holding me close. The sun beaming down set forth upon his skin a glimmering twilight. I was naked and defenseless in his embrace. Were he a genuine predator, as the legends about dragons state he would be, it would have been folly to remain where I was.

But despite the calm, in my belly the familiar monster of anxiety was growing restless. It had questions it wanted answered, questions that it knew would cut deep if I didn't know the answers to them.

“Arh." I murmured. “Am…" my throat seized from a stammer threatening to intrude. Taking a breath in an attempt to calm my mind I tried again. “Am I your first?"

He tilted his head so he could turn his eye to meet mine. The gold of his eyes, inhuman and predatory as they may have been, offered a tenderness that quelled the beast in my belly. “What do you mean?"

“Am I your first sexual experience?" I nervously trailed off. “Your first partner? First love?"

He chuckled softly, his lips pulled into a smile. “No. No." He said, then after kissing the top of my forehead, continued. “And yes."

Taking this as its cue, my monster welled up. I knew I could sometimes be envious of others, as I had often felt when seeing images of other people experiencing things that my personal history tried to insist couldn't be legitimate. It leapt at the chance to make me fear that he would leave me, or love me less than I needed him to.

“Can you tell me about them?" I said with a throat becoming drier the longer I thought on the question.

He looked at me curiously, then rested his head back with a gentle sigh. “If you are concerned that this was my first experience, you can ease your mind," He said. “Being virginal is not a concern for me. Is it for you?"

“No. I mean, well… No, I guess it isn't important."

“Surely there is there a reason for your inquiry," he said. “Are you harboring doubts?" He shifted up, turning towards me.

In that moment I regretted asking, but as it had already been said, there was nothing that could be done other than following it through to it's eventual conclusion.

“I… I don't know. It seems silly now, to be honest. But…" my insecurities took this as a chance to devour what confidence I had. But I couldn't leave him hanging like this. “I worry if I'll measure up to them."

He smiled.

“I mean…" there was little I could do to stop the anxiety now. I knew the only way out of it was through. “I'm not used to being wanted like this, and I'm worried that I'll never be able to be for you what you need me to be."

Seeing the fear in my face, his gaze softened. “You have nothing to worry about, little one," he said as he placed a kiss on my head. “When I went to find you, I did not harbour any expectations. I did not suspect you would be hyoom, nor that you would be male," he stared off into the sky. “And when I saw you, I was afraid you would not find me desirable, or worthy of courting."

What he said managed to make the fears trip in their stride. How could a strong, majestic creature like him have such doubts about himself? Though this served as a potent reminder that the stories I grew up with that talked about dragons were not accurate.

“I can say that when you arrived, what I saw was a beautiful creature walking out of the tree-line to stand in front of me in a way that few had ever done. I saw in your eyes a life not unlike mine and hoped there was a deeper bond that could be nurtured if given the chance."

I didn't know what to say. I had never viewed myself as he seemed to, and if it were anyone else telling me this, I would have doubted them. But with him, reading the sincerity in his eyes, I knew he was speaking truth, even if it was only his.

And of course I blushed. But something else reared up…

“A life not unlike mine?"

“Yes. I noticed the scars of despair in the way you held yourself, and in your expression. You had a face that seemed to be more familiar with sadness than with joy."

“And you seemed to be this bastion of confidence."

He laughed. “I was terrified."

“Of me?"

“Well, yes, I was scared of you," he tried to continue speaking through the grin adhered to his face, but that faltered when he took a breath to continue. “I was afraid that you would not want me, or the love I could give you… and that you would see me only as a mere monster."

“You didn't have much to say about love when we talked."

“True. That was a topic I was unsure was wise to broach."

“Afraid I would walk away?"

“Yes. I was afraid you would." He said stroking my cheek. “One cannot force love to blossom; It either blooms, or it does not."

“I," I froze up. I understood enough about the ritual to know there needed to be a connection, and I also had worries about myself, but most of those worries were set aside in the rush of anticipation that I would soon be a dragon like him.

I had to say something to say. It felt like I had an onus to respond, so as to give him some comfort in knowing that I wasn't so single-minded that I only wanted to be a dragon.

So I went with the first thought that entered my mind. “I'm sorry. I guess I just want to know more about you, and why you sought me out in the first place."

It was a genuine statement, but the circumstances of how it came out threw me into a panic inside as I was petrified I was being manipulative.

… Sadly, when the truth resists, sometimes it's easier to find a half-truth to stand in its stead.

Though his face was still, his eyes betrayed a conflict running in his mind.

“I don't need to hear it, I guess," I said.

“No, you do have a right to know. We are keo'vah now so I must trust that hearing about my past will help alleviate what doubts you may have about the two of us."

He took a measured breath, held on to it for a moment, then started talking.

“It happened long ago. After my childhood was behind me, and after recently discovering my name, I was, according to our culture, a grown adult ready to seek a mate."

“There was someone in my life at the time that I thought the gods intended me to bed. We had known one another for most of our lives, were kind and friendly to one another, and she was a rather striking dragoness."

“She?" I blurted.

“Yes. Little one," he cooed. “This was before I realized the language my heart spoke. I did not know, at the time, that it desired the comfort of another male.

“However, our bond was deep and she always treated me with kindness. We entered adulthood at the same time, and had long been friends such that we felt the gods had intended us to come together.

“But despite what we had in common, I did not see her in the way she seemed to want me to.

“At the time I was blithly ignorant to her courtship. I had mistaken her attention as gestures of friendship, and nothing more. In hindsight I know now that she was courting me quite heavily," he smiled. “A fact that delighted our parents, of course. They often found themselves talking endlessly about how majestic our whelplings would be, and how we would be lovely parents to them." He sighed, idly scratching his chin. “The usual things parents often desire when envisioning the future of their offspring."

A pang of envy welled up inside, but I managed to fight it down so I could give him my fullest attention.

“At first I thought my lack of interest in her sex was because I was inexperienced and did not know how to pleasure a dragoness. Though I understood the mechanics of insemination, as every dragon is taught before their maturation. But despite my attempts to admire her in the way it seemed I ought to, the idea of intercourse never crossed my mind, and I balked at the thought of mounting her.

“More the pity too because she had no eyes for the endless suitors that tried to capture her interest. Dragons that were far more virile and strong. I believed I should consider myself fortunate to have her at my side… and she was certainly winsome. Her deep amber scales were striking, especially when the light landed on them. I likened it to the fire of the setting sun itself… high flattery which she no doubt appreciated.

“But after a time I started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. All of my peers that wanted to sire a clutch of whelplings certainly had no difficulty with it." He smiled as he looked hungrily at me. He had certainly proven his ability to breed a lover, and I still felt the slickness from earlier between my legs. But his moment of hunger being sated, he let his head fall back on his arm folded behind his head.

“Ignorant as I may have been, we still continued to play together. Tussling and chasing one another almost like whelplings. Despite the absence of my arousal, I still enjoyed her company.

“But." He paused, joy slipping from his face. “My apparent lack of interest did not sit well with her, and the way she would play slowly became more assertive."

I felt something change in him as if a cold wind had decided to blow through the clearing.

“I mistook her advances at first, assuming that this was how play as adults was different than play as youths." His tone grew cold. “It left me feeling quite uncomfortable.

“But as I did not know how to broach the subject without appearing to demean her, I allowed it to continue.

“Then, after spending the day together hunting, our bellies full and the exhaustion of the day creeping up on us, she announced that I would be the one to sire her first clutch.

“It was a shock to hear, and that sense of dread that took root in my mind fueled my mind to think I had betrayed what it meant to be a proud and virile dragon.

“But beyond that there was confusion… at myself. I berated myself in my mind. Clearly she was willing, and I was certain she would be a wonderful mother to our children," his eyes, steely as they were in that moment, looked like they were fighting back the emotions running in his mind. “But I just could not bring myself to conquer her in that manner… so she conquered me."

“I'm sorry. If this is too much for you…" I was now convinced I had made a mistake by asking, and the regret that came with it was painful.

“I appreciate the concern, keo'vah, but there may come a time when you meet my children and their mother." He looked at me with a reluctant gaze. “I would not want you to think that any tension that could be present may be because of you."

He took a few moments to clear his mind. “I remember the day leading up to it rather vividly. The skies were somber and pregnant with rain. I was lulled from the feast we just had when she came over to me and pressed me against the floor. As I was already on my side, it took little effort on her part to turn me on to my back.

“I was stunned from her assertiveness. She had never been this forceful with me before, and I was unsure if I had any right to fight her off. In truth, I was afraid of her in that moment. The way she looked at me was different than before. Gone was the look of care and concern that often graced her eyes when she looked at me, and in their place was a look I could only describe as anger.

“I did not realize she was serious in her intent until she had her haunches pressed against mine, coaxing my phallus out of my vent and into hers."

“Didn't you fight back?" I blurted out, and instantly regretted letting it slip.

“In hindsight I knew I should have. But you have to understand, little one, that at the time I believed the problem was with me. And I was stronger than she was. I was paralyzed with the fear that if I tried to fight back, she would be injured, and I would be branded as a monster for daring to harm her.

“Before I knew it I was trapped within her and my phallus was giving her my fullest seed."

He lay there as a battle of emotions played out on his eyes.

“It is a strange feeling to endure the visceral pleasures of an orgasm conflicting with the horror of knowing how that pleasure came about. But that paled compared to the words of encouragement she said that slithered into my ear like poison; how I was doing so well; how I was a good dragon; that I was fulfilling my purpose as a male.

“I still have trouble hearing words like that said towards me.

“There was little I could have done at that point. When a male is locked within another, they are robbed of being able to do much else but letting their climax run its course."

“So that's why you collapsed?" I asked, recalling the way he lay over me while his bulb was inside me.

He nodded. “It takes courage for a male to lock with another. In that moment we are at our most vulnerable."

The air became still as the silence that gathered was so thick that not even the birds in the trees dared fight it.

“The night after we mated, we were sharing a nest. As much as I did not want to, there was nowhere else I could go, and the deed had already been done.

“She would tell me that it would be good to have whelplings around. How it would show me the true meaning of being a male. But those words brought little comfort, and the intimacy we shared went from comforting, to revolting.

“After a time she eventually laid her eggs, and she became more territorial than before. I was thinking that I should have left, but then I was brought to the thought of our soon-to-hatch children; They would need their father.

“Even though I felt like I was a failure, both as a male, and as a dragon, the eggs soon hatched. Our children had found their way to life and in that moment, after seeing how small and helpless they were, especially after they had spent all of their energy freeing themselves of their eggs, my heart was filled with the joy I thought had abandoned me.

“They grew, as all whelplings do, and in no time at all they were climbing over us, riding on my back as I flew, stretching their wings to feel the air as whelplings are wont to do. They had a thirst within them for flight that I knew was my gift to them and I was proud to have given it.

“However, between their mother and I, our lives were growing difficult. She became cold towards me, her temper flaring when I tried to have a conversation with her. But I assumed it was because she was exhausted. Our whelplings were my only joy, but they were still whelplings… and that meant they had an almost endless energy inside of them.

“I did all I could to ensure they knew they were loved, despite the nature of their conception. I was always willing to play with them, acting as the castle for them to scale and proclaim themselves monarch of, chasing them down as they hid… which was not difficult as their laughs always revealed their locations. Their gift to me was distracting me from the fears that remained in the back of my mind. And for a time, they were successful at keeping my growing darkness from consuming me.

“But that joy never lasted. Soon my dreams became as polluted as I was and I could no longer rely on them as a refuge."

“As much as I knew they were innocent, I had to fight to remind myself of it.

“Eventually, there were days when I was unable to fight even that off, and the thoughts that filled my head were getting darker and darker. I started resenting them because of how they were conceived, and thoughts circled in my mind that I should correct the mistake of their stolen life.

“I knew that if I stayed I would seek to cause them harm. So I left.

“Their mother had found a more willing partner by this time, and he was eager to help raise our children, so I believed that they did not need me anymore. And this male helped alleviate the anger she held towards me. He was the voice of reason when her voice spewed nothing but venom and hatred towards me.

I felt my anger rise up in me at hearing how he was treated. I knew it wasn't my place to make his pain my own, but hearing what he endured set off the impulse in me to lash out at whomever dared to hurt him.

“The night I left was the most difficult night of my life. I was brought to tears which I could not stop from falling. I came to believe what she said of me, that I was lesser, and I felt had no other choice available to me. I had to go, and I had to stop myself from truly becoming the monster I believed myself to be.

“But my children must have sensed something was wrong because when I was about to leave, they came out and clung to me. The sadness in their eyes gouged into me deeply, and made the anguish running circles in my mind worse than before.

“But, they knew what was happening. They knew I was falling, and as much as they wanted me to stay they knew I could not.

“I kissed them, told them I loved them, and was about to leap when I heard them say they did as well.

“Their words, albeit coming from a place of deep care, cut the deepest. I knew in that moment that I was abandoning my children, and that this was the surest sign that I was the monster I believed myself to be. How could a father turn their back on their own children like that? How could I live with myself, knowing that I had left them when I knew they needed me?

“I was in the air before I knew it with eyes raw from the tears. I did not know where I was going, and I did not care. I only knew that I needed to be as far away from the only joy I had in life because I believed that they were no longer safe around me.

“The only thought in my head ran around in my mind over and over. I knew that the only way to deal with one as wretched as myself was to do the unthinkable, and extinguish what little light still remained within me so it would not be consumed by my darkness.

“The air was cold, and the rain pelted down against me making the journey quite difficult. It was like the gods themselves were trying to dissuade me, but I had to turn a blind eye to their urging as I did not have it in me to continue as things were.

“I had flown as far as my wings could take me. I lost the last of my strength as I was over a range of mountains in the coldest storm I had ever experienced. There was a cliff that looked like it would be the perfect spot for what I intended.

“It was when I stood there, peering down at the jagged rocks below, that I was certain meeting them at free-fall would bring me some peace. I wanted to make sure that I would not survive because the evil growing inside of me was a burden I knew I could not carry.

“I do not know how long I stood there. But it must have been for quite some time because when I was readying myself to leap I felt a tug on my tail.

“There, standing with an expression of the deepest grief that paled compared to my own, was a kobold. A male kobold, his body shaped by a life of battle. The dark blue of his scales helped him blend into the shadows, but the eyes peering back at me shattered what camouflage his body may have had.

“I tried to shake him off of course. But he had an unnatural quickness to him such that whenever I threw him off, he was back on me within the blink of an eye, clinging to me with that same doleful gaze.

“As much as I may have let my darkness take hold of me, I was not yet so polluted that I would seek to bring another with me.

“I eventually relented and broke down. I had no more strength, and he continued demanding to know why.

“So I told him.

“You are not a monster." Arh said. “Those were his words when I had finished telling him. He had spent much of his life fighting monsters, and never could I claim to take my place among them. I simply did not have it in me to be that way, and he insisted that were I truly a monster, I would not seek to end my life to spare the lives of those I loved.

“By this time the rest of his band had caught up with him, but they did not interfere. They heard my story and had the same sorrow fill their eyes as his did.

“They brought me to their camp and tended to my body. I was taught much about how the love between males can be, and how it is never wrong to understand the calling of your heart.

“But I learned volumes more when the same kobold that had saved my life kissed me. I had been kissed before, but none of them had ever elicited the reaction in me as his did."

“We spent many days together. But as much as our time together was filled with pleasures of the heart, keo'vah we were not… and I knew my children still needed me.

“I felt shame when I thought of them. I know I should not have, but I still felt selfish for running as I had. As much as their new step-father was more than capable to be a father, they needed their father.

“When I returned, they bounded up to me and pressed their faces to mine as they sobbed. They tried to apologize, but they were never to blame. Still, their sorrow felt like daggers and I knew I had to make amends for my selfishness by doing my best to be what they needed me to be.

“For a time, life was better. Their mother was still cold and prone to using cruel words, but their step-father showed me the kindness she lacked.

“He was a true friend, but as he was quite beautiful, fantasies started twirling in my mind about what we could do to have that friendship grow.

“I remember having thoughts in my head about what his haunches would feel like pressed against mine, imagining his wings quivering as I locked with him, and an incessant curiosity about what sounds he would make as I delivered my fullest seed deep into his body.

“Sadly, he was not as I was. There was no desire in him to let me under his tail. But as the months progressed, I was growing more and more insistent until…"

The sounds of the forest beyond took most of my attention during those sobering few seconds in which he paused to reflect on whether he wanted to say what was coming next.

“I stopped myself before anything happened, but I knew at that point that I could not stay. The darkness I thought I had escaped had never left, and it was planting thoughts in my mind to act in ways that still revolt me.

“This time, however, I did not seek to abandon my children, or my life. I found a place to live and made sure that they knew they would never be unwelcome.

“But as the years became decades, and decades became centuries, the loneliness became unbearable. Those same dark thoughts I thought I had shed swirled in my mind as if they had always been there. I knew something had to change, but I did not know what I could do. Though dragons do not tend to view passions like mine as evil, it is still rare to find one to share them with.

“I sought the advice of the queen herself. Surely if there was a dragon that understood loneliness, it would be her.

“I did not expect to be granted an audience. I believed my fears were insignificant compared to the responsibilities she held. But she looked at me, looked into my eyes, and did something that helped me."

“What did she do?" I asked, wanting to know how this sordid chapter in his life would conclude.

He turned his head to meet my eyes with his as a gentle smile warmed his face. “She set me on the path of finding you."