Luca's Story
This is the first chapter of a story I've written that is very personal to me. It's partly documented from the real-life experiences of a beloved person in my life, partly a mixture of other things and situations I've created in my mind and read about. I hope you enjoy. Responses to this will probably dictate if I continue posting Luca's Story.
Chapter I-Facing Facts
Luke is dead.
Sliding on the long skirt, Luca clasped it in front of her carefully. It was black and reached below the knees.
Luke is dead.
Rolling a pair of stockings up her legs, Luca grimaced a bit at the hideous-feeling fabric the girls at her school were forced to wear. They actually called these things stockings? It was still better than suiting up in those awful slacks that emphasized nothing.
Luke is dead.
Sliding on her simple penny loafers, Luca reached for her sweater.
Luke is dead.
Luca finally brought her hair back. It was long, curly, and a little unruly, and one of its auburn strands fell over her forehead. Tying it together, she started walking over to the mirror.
Luke is dead.
Eyes falling on her reflection, Lucas gaze of concentration melted into a warm smile. The image was complete. The Beth'el school uniform was hideous, but it felt so--
Luke is dead.
--right. Biting her lip, Luca bounced in excitement. Her long, hare-like ears bounced with her. The two gray ears had been tied back in a beautiful silver clasp that had a large multi-colored butterfly sticking out from it, as if it were perched right there on the clasp. Her round, cherubic face blended in more perfectly with her dressed as a girl than it ever did when she was a boy.
I never was a boy. This is who I am. I am Luca.
Her brilliant blue eyes were reflecting the light of the room, standing out against the light hint of mascara she had slipped in around her eyelids. Her gray fur was so immaculately groomed it almost gleamed as she turned to keep looking at every part of herself, and her pouty lips were painted to match her hair. A high, light blue collar from her school's assigned button-down shirt for girls uniforms was sticking out above the v-necked sweater. The sweater itself was a navy blue with the school's crest on the left breast. It was baggy and mostly concealed the immaculate work Luca had done to stuff a convincing enough pair of breasts into her older sisters hand-me-down bra. It didnt matter, though. She would have to take the sweater off once the heat of the afternoon annihilated the last of the predawn chill that had enveloped her New England town.
I pray, with all my heart. Let me never again be anyone but who I truly am.
Turning to her bed, Luca picked up a cute small leather bag with arm straps that were zipped together. Throwing it over one shoulder like a purse, she sashayed her way out of her room and down the stairs in the most giddy mood she had ever been in her entire life.
The good times didnt last long. The moment she walked up to the kitchen table, the idle conversation taking place between her parents went dead silent. Randal, her father, simply stared at her. For a long time. He was a slight man, no larger than Luca, who for a boy her age, at least was only a couple inches beyond five feet. He was slim, and wore a large pair of glasses. His coloration matched hers, but his hair was raven black and thinning in spots. The newspaper in front of him slowly curled its way down to the table, no longer held rigid by his firm grip. His face of surprise had melted into stern admonition. "Luke, you know what I told you about this."
"My name is Luca," she whispered. No matter her resolve, it always seemed to abandon her the moment she stood before her father. It was like the whimper of a small child than the defiance of a maturing woman.
"I've let you do what you want during your summer break, provided you kept it out of sight."
"Daddy, I cant deny who I am." Her voice was still barely above a whisper.
"Like hell. This is a phase, Luke. If you keep up with this silly plan, youre going to ruin your career at Beth'el and all your future college opportunities."
"You dont have to fit in to go to college."
"You do if youre going to go to the Wharton Accounting School!" Randal threw the paper aside. It fluttered apart and spread out on the floor. He pointed up at where the approximate location of the top of the staircase was on the other side of the kitchen door, his eyes wide and furious. "Now get your cross-dressing ass up those stairs and change into your proper uniform!"
Luca looked to her mother for support. Apparently the linoleum was more interesting. And she had been the one to encourage Luca to follow what made her happy, no matter what it was. For a long time, her resolve felt like it would break, and she'd simply sulk her way up to her room. But then the prayer touched her heart once again.
I pray, with all my heart. Let me never again be anyone but who I truly am.
Gripping the leather strap tightly enough for it to give that familiar creaking sound only real leather could make, Luca turned her back on her father and strode for the side house door that led out of the kitchen and into the bright, sunny day. Looking around, Luca had a wide grin on her face. She had finally done it. She escaped. As she walked to the road, her father came rushing out after her, only to stop right on the stoop at the side of the house. "Luke, you get your ass in this house right now!" He screamed. He looked about ready to drop from a heart attack, his eyes were so bulged with fury. Still, he did not move much further than the door. Perhaps, Luca realized, he was more terrified of being seen in public with his transgender daughter than he was of actually having one. At least he could live in denial like this.
It was right then, as if by the mercy of God, the school bus pulled up. The door opened, and Luca stepped inside, smiling warmly at the bus driver. "Hello," she said in a soft, lilting tone. It was uncanny just how well she'd trained herself over the summer. If it werent for the fact that just about everyone on the bus was familiar with Lucas house and who they were supposed to be picking up, the entire load of students would probably have never so much as looked at the new girl. Instead, every head turned towards her, every jaw slackened, every voice ceased.
Just another test of my resolve.
Luca made her way down the center aisle of the bus. It felt much like the same sensation one gets when they're naked in front of everyone they know. And yet, there was a certain level of pride deep in the back of her mind. She had faced her father. She would face her peers in kind.
Most of them could do nothing but stare in shock. There was, however, one face that stood out the most amongst them. It was Ronnies. His face wasnt painted with shock. In his face there was outright hatred. Ronnie was a rabbit just like Luca. In fact, just like nearly the entire population at the school, considering it was based on the Jewish faith. Ronnie was all black but had a lean, angular face. Every so often he got teased that he had rat blood in him. Ronnie and Luke had been inseparable friends since birth. Their families were close with each other, since Luke's father and Ronnie's father had started their forensic accounting firm together.
But Luke is dead now.
Luke and Ronnie had joined track together. Their birthdays being almost exactly at the same time, Luke and Ronnie always shared their birthday parties. At school, nobody even thought of having one without the other. They were always a pair.
But Luke is dead now.
Finally, Luca came up alongside Ronnie. "H-hey Ronnie," she said with a friendly, familiar smile. She got nothing in return. The black-furred best friend of Luke Reingold shifted towards the aisle part of the bus seat, blocking Luca from sitting beside him, and his gaze turned towards the back of the driver's head. That was the end.
Biting her lip, Luca looked around her, trying to find a seat that might be open. The bus was already moving, and the driver was shouting back for Luca to get herself seated. Slowly, other students began to shift towards the aisle, if they werent already paired up with friends. Seemed nobody wanted to be seen beside the freak.
Then there was the slightest glimmer of hope. In the back, on the last seat--which had been cut to ribbons by students and cast off as the reject seat--there sat a young female lapine of almost pure white fur. A stud had been pierced through her right eyebrow, and several more ring piercings ran along the length of each ear. Her soft face belied the hardened expression, but then again she always had that scowl on her face. Nobody really liked her. But as Luca approached, Robin was the only one not to waste the energy to block her from sitting down.
Robin did not so much as think of turning her head from where it leaned against the side paneling of the bus, her eyes on the passing scenery. Luca shifted into the seat, trying to get comfortable on the lumpy, shredded padding. All around, conversation picked up grudgingly, and never got above a whisper.
Just as Luca was turning towards Robin to thank her, the other lapine spoke first. "Dont talk to me. You and your friends made life hell for me before you came out; dont think Ive forgotten just because youve become part of the freak crowd. Consider it an act of pity more than anything else."
Luca turned away, trying to take slow, deep breaths to try to suppress the clenching in her chest. Maybe this was a mistake? She thought to herself. It took the entire bus ride to school before she could calm herself down enough to not cry. It was bad enough, trying to come out and open up about who she really was. She didnt need to do it with running makeup.
After what seemed an eternity, Luca was stepping off of the bus at her private school. While the riders on her bus recognized who she was instantly simply because of the stop, not everyone knew quite who she was at the school yet. But thanks to the miracle that was cell phone technology, there were enough that did to make a very noticeable shift in the register of conversations being had by the students hanging around the front entrance.
It was bizarre for Luca, striding through the crowd of students at the front of the school. Some glared, some stared with dumbfounded expressions, some whispered to each other, and there were many who were carrying on conversation, oblivious to what was going on. For Luca, they were her saving grace. Particularly the ones that let their gaze wander to her and, instead of looking at her like a freak, would give little smirks and admiring eyes. At least she knew she was pretty when others didnt know what she had tucked away. That wouldnt last.
Her first period was much like her sixth, and each one in between. Teachers for their sophomore-division classes stood at the head of the class and called on Luke Reingold, at which point Luca had to stand and explain her transition. Each time it was awkward, each time it was like she was speaking Japanese to a classroom of dumbfounded foreigners. All they seemed to hear in each of her words was, "Im a freak."
Lunch hour was no better. The social outcasts had yet to accept her, and the social majority had fully shunned her. Luca sat alone outside the cafeteria along one of the walkway barriers. It was a concrete piece wide enough to sit on, but not comfortably. Thankfully, it was still too early in her transition for anyone to even think of retaliation for her trying to be who she really was. But the peace wouldnt last long, she knew.
Final period was gym class. All day Luca had debated what she should do. Would she be allowed in the girls locker room? Would the boys in the boys locker room accept her if she wasn't? Would they simply give her a pass from gym? She still wanted to run and be active in gym class, but she feared that it was not going to happen. At least not this day.
Walking towards the hall that split the boys and girls locker rooms, Luca found herself staring down the coach that was teaching this years phys ed. class. Of course, it had to be the track coach himself, Mr. Hoffstetter. He was a cheetah (go figure) that towered over much of the student body at six foot five inches tall. He had been hired on by the school for the simple task of whipping every track member into top shape.
"I had to see it to believe it," the coach said, his baritone voice seeming far more sinister than it did last year. "What the hell are you doing to yourself Luke?"
"Luke is gone. I am Luca. I have always been Luca," she said, hands clasped in front of her.
"And I suppose you think youre just going to be accepted that way? What about the team? Youre the best JV runner I have. Youre going to get varsity this year! Youre just going to throw that out?"
"Ill still run, if youll let me. But Im not going to stop being who I am. Ive been doing that for fifteen years of my life, coach."
"Oh how inspirational for you, Im sure," the coach replied sarcastically, then dropped his head into his hand, rubbing at his temples. Finally he lifted his gaze to her. "Listen Luke--Luca, whatever your name is now. You are treading dangerous waters." His voice got lower, so that nobody else could hear, and he came in closer to Luca. It wasnt until he was mere inches from her, eyes locked into hers, that he actually spoke again, his face softening significantly, his eyes taking on a confiding look to them. "Look, I cant tell you to stop being who you are. Coming out to my parents with boyfriend in tow was, to say the least, traumatizing, and I dont want to be the one to make this any harder for you. But at the moment, I dont think there's anything I can do but let you go from the team. Its nothing personal, Luca, but gender issues are always touchy when it comes to organized sporting events."
Luca was more surprised about hearing the coach's admission of being gay than she was at being let go from the team. "Coach, I had no idea you were--"
"Gay?" Coach Hoffstetter nodded. "I have an idea of what youre going though. But its not quite as bad, I think. I dont exactly go walking around with 'homo' tattooed across my forehead, whereas you have to go out every day dressed like something everyone else believes youre not."
"I had no idea but thank you, Coach. I thought, of all the people Id have to confront today, youd be the least understanding."
"Comes with the territory, I suppose," he replied, then stood more erect again, pulling back from their private conversation. "Now get on into the locker rooms and get changed," he said in a harsher, more direct tone, pointing at the men's locker room. Lucas heart dropped a little, but she understood. She still had the parts of a boy, no matter how much of a girl she felt herself to be.
Sliding into the men's locker room quietly, Luca dashed to the last row of lockers to pick her own. All the lockers that had not been chosen were still left open, and out on this row, they were almost all open. Picking a locker, Luca quickly put her stuff down inside of it. Glancing around, she clumsily tried to remove her clothes from the bag as fast as she could.
It wasnt long before Luca heard footsteps coming her way. Turning, she found herself face to face with the entire JV track team. All of them, that is, except for Ronnie. The school always tried to keep team members together during gym class. It allowed them to get extra practice in while they were still getting their phys ed. credits. Where he was, she couldn't tell. In fact, she hadn't seen him all day.
"Well, look at the little bitch that wandered into the boys locker room," Malcolm said. He was always second to Luke on the team, and always had a bad temperament about it. His fur was a blonde color, and his physique was much more built than Luke's ever was, making him the team heartthrob to the females at the school, even if he wasnt the captain of the team. His nastiness was only outmatched by his inflated ego.
As Malcolm spoke, the other boys moved to stand all around Luca. She backed up against the lockers, fear plain in her eyes.
"Girls arent allowed in the boys locker room, you know," Malcolm continued. "The only kinds of girls that come into this locker room are the kinds that give out pussy as easily as Mrs. Goldstein gives out detention."
The other boys snicker audibly, continuously moving in on Luca, closing the space around her. She shrinks against the locker, almost wishing it was the old-school kind that one could actually fit inside of. At least that way she could hide until the coach came around to let her out.
"What do you think, boys? Should we show Luca here what we do to girls like her?" The other boys nod slowly, the same stupid grins across their face, even if they only seemed to be acting more out of their fear of their leader than any desire to harm their former team captain.
Luca's heart stopped, her eyes were wide in terror. She hadn't planned this. The thought of what these boys were about to do seemed inconceivable in her mind until now. Malcolm reached up first, groping her fake breast. "Feels decent enough to me," he laughs, tugging at her sweater and trying to get it off of her. Luca fought back, trying to pull away from his grip, only to find herself pressed up against one of the other boys. In kind, he started reaching under Luca's skirt.
"Lets see what you've got under this thing," the boy said, hand sliding up Lucas thighs. The others laughed even more. Luca began trying to slash out at their faces, desperate to escape this at any cost. By chance, her hand connected with Malcolm's right cheek. Instantly, three lines of blood made their appearance known on his cheek. For a brief moment, the fury in his face was terrifying. And yet Luca felt even more afraid as Malcolm's look of anger melted into an impish grin.
The retaliation was so fast that Luca almost didnt realize what happened. The back of her head and her left eye both exploded in pain as Malcolm punched her in the face, slamming her head into a locker in doing so. Luca's head was swimming. "Hold the bitchs arms," he said with a cackle. Two of the boys followed his orders quickly.
The next hit was in Luca's belly. The wind escaped her immediately, and she fought to take a breath. Falling limp, the only way she wasnt falling to the floor were the two others holding her up. Luca just wanted to curl into a ball, and yelped in pain as Malcolm's hand came down hard across her right cheek.
"Hold her down on the bench," he said, lowering the hem of his running shorts. Luca was shoved onto the bench onto her belly. One of the boys sat on her back, holding her arms locked behind her. Another sat on her legs, and the other forced her maw open.
Luca stared in disbelief as her former team mate rubbed his own member to a firm state and approached her. "Let's see how good of a cocksucker you can be, you little bitch," he half-growled at her, stepping so that he was straddled over the bench.
Then, by some miracle, the door to the boys locker room opened and closed. The coach's voice could be heard barking from the door. "Where the hell is my track team? Your asses better be on the track in five, four, three..." The four boys suddenly went dead silent. Malcolm pulled his shorts up, and they bolted towards the back where there was a doorway to the field and school track. Falling to the floor, Luca curled up against the lockers and let out a long series of sobs.
"Luca?" She heard Coach Hoffstetter call out. The tall cheetah ran towards the last row where she sat curled up, sliding to a stop as he saw her on the floor, crying. He rushed up to her and lifted her chin. "Luca, are you aljeez laweez, hun..." he said, his voice dropping to a whisper the moment he saw the hellacious shiner swelling up her left eye. His jaw hardened, and a scowl formed up on his face. "It was Malcolm and the rest of the team, wasnt it?" He asked, looking at the mark under the fur on her right cheek.
Luca shook her head. "Not all of them," she whispered in reply. "Ronnie wasnt with them."
"You dont have to protect him because he was your best friend, hun," the coach replied. Luca simply shook her head.
"No, he really wasnt," she said, stopping the coach from going further. "Malcolm and the rest, but not him."
"Youre sure, honey?"
Luca looked straight at him. Her eye hurt like hell, and her mascara was running down her cheeks, but her face was sincere. "I'm sure."
Only a few minutes later, Luca was sitting in the Rabbi Polirer's office. He was lounging back in his chair, scrutinizing Luca carefully. Her cheeks were blackened with mascara and her left eye was nearly swollen shut. After the clock hanging on the Rabbi's wall had ticked off more than ten minutes of silence, he shifted forward.
"Im very sorry this happened to you, Luke."
"Luca."
Rabbi Polirer raises his eyes to look straight at Luca. "Excuse me?"
"My name, Rabbi. My name is Luca."
The Rabbi didnt say a word in reply. Instead, he continued on his original tangent. "As I was saying, Luke, I am sorry this has happened. Those boys will be properly disciplined, starting with them losing their status as track members, or as members of any other sports club we have here."
Luca listened on, but couldnt help but feel a discord of insincerity in his tone.
"As far as your current state of mind is concerned," the Rabbi paused, adjusting the large gold-rimmed glasses on his nose and sitting up straighter in his chair. He scratched softly through his salt-and-pepper beard. "I think that either you need to come to terms with whatever conflict is going on in your heart, or we might have to consider your transferring to a school with an atmosphere more conducive to your personal explorations."
Luca couldnt believe her ears. All her life, she had turned to Rabbi Polirer for any serious advice on matters of great importance to her. She trusted his every word and tidbit of wisdom. And now he was essentially telling her she wasnt accepted at his school.
Luca refused to even stick around for any more. She'd had enough of this horrible first day of school. She stood from her chair and rushed from the office.
It wasnt until Luca was outside that she had stopped running. Breathing hard, she walked towards the side of the school, tears rushing down her cheeks. Finally, she came to a stop, falling to her knees. Her arms were tight around her abdomen, and her body heaved and shuddered with her sobs.
Before long, a voice came up behind Luca. "You know, I didnt think youd make it this far."
Luca turned around, looking up at the owner of that voice. It was Robin. Wiping tears from her eyes, Luca glared up at Robin. "Like you would care," she spat, venom thick in her tone.
Robin held out a hand to help Luca up. "I actually do," she said flatly. Luca took the hand grudgingly and let Robin help her up. After getting herself upright, Luca watched as Robin pulled a pack of cigarettes from her pack and pulled one out, placing it between her lips. Lighting it, Robin moved over to the side of the school and leaned against the wall. Luca followed.
"The Rabbi wants me to leave the school," Luca said. She wasnt sure why she did, but somehow she wanted someone to know.
"Doesn't surprise me," Robin replied casually, thick blue smoke forming around her face. "Forcing a religious institution to face the reality that not everyone fits into the status quo is rather difficult."
Luca didnt say a word. Instead, she leaned against the wall alongside Robin. Robin held out the pack to her, opening it up and sliding a single cigarette out to her. Luca accepted it along with a lighter Robin handed her. Luca lit up and drew in tentatively, pulling the smoke into her lungs. The urge to cough up a lung was incredible, but somehow she repressed it and exhaled slowly. The taste was terrible, but the odd little buzz that hit her head made her relax ever so slightly. "Thank you," she whispered.
"No problem. I heard about you getting beat up. They were trying to rape you, weren't they." It was hardly a question, more a statement of fact.
Luca looked up at Robin, fear in her eyes. "How do you know that!?" She said in a loud hiss.
Robin held up a hand. "Don't worry, nobody knows jack, hun. I just know it by what your eyes tell me. It's the same look I had two years ago," she said, voice drifting off, taking a deep drag from her cigarette.
Luca didnt know how to respond or what to say. So instead she took the cigarette that still sit smoldering in her hand and dragged deep. It was much easier this time, handling the cigarette smoke.
"You want my advice?" Robin said, turning to Luca. Luca could only look back at her and nod.
"You keep doing exactly what you're doing. Nobody in this whole fucking school has the balls you do for showing up in a skirt. For some, being themselves would be admitting they like ballet, or that they love going shopping with their mother. And here you are, a girl in a boy's body, and you're the only one to show something real about yourself."
Luca smiled ever so slightly, the corners of her lips turning upwards almost imperceptibly. "Thank you, Robin. Im sorry I ever mistreated you. Youre about the only person who's been real to me."
Robin shrugged, standing upright as she flicked her cigarette butt casually into a grouping of bushes. Luca followed suit, finding she was feeling a little nauseous by now from the cigarette and was glad to be rid of it. Before Luca knew what was happening, Robin took her into a tight hug. Robin kissed Luca on the forehead tenderly, rubbing her back. Luca was surprised but immensely comforted by the gesture. The little display of love made her only long painfully for more, for the deep, intrinsic acceptance of another. The kind you got from the one you love most.
"Listen," Robin said as she pulled back, holding Luca at arm's length. "What you went through today is probably just the beginning, but I think you made the right choice, hun. Wherever you end up, know you at least have one friend rooting for you, ok?"
Biting her lip, Luca nodded to Robin. "Thank you, Robin."
With that, the two girls parted. Robin back into the school, Luca to her home. And that was the end of Luca's first day as a sophomore, and last day as a student at Beth'el.