Sam and Max: The case of clothes thieves
This is entirely a work of fiction. None of the characters exist (well, I don't think so). Sam and Max are copyrighted to Steve Purcell. You must be [insert legal age to view pornographic material in your country here] to view this. This work is coded as follows: m/m. You may reproduce and distribute this lemon anywhere, as long as you follow these guidelines:
1) You must keep it intact
2) You must mention me, Bahamut Dragons, as the author.
3) The viewer must not have needed to pay in anyway to access this file.
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Author's Comments:
It's been a while since I wrote a fic of any kind, and I have to say I'm pretty proud of this one. I think from the get-go, writing a Sam and Max fan fiction is hard, just to keep the spirit of the series. For starters, they have a very peculiar way of talking, expressions they use, and have a very visual style which I've tried to mimic, hopefully successfully.
I've been a fan of Sam and Max for a while now, and have wanted to write a fic about them for an equal while. I've been too caught up between other projects and procrastination to do so however. Actually, this story was supposed to be illustrated by a friend of mine, but we broke contact for personal reasons so that's not going to happen. Still, I've enjoyed writing this; it's very different from the style I usually employ. It's less emotional and far goofier. I hope you'll enjoy reading it as I've enjoyed writing it.
And as always, you may contact me by e-mail at [email protected], ICQ: 11722319, Y!: bahamutdragons, MSN: [email protected] (don't use as e-mail) or AIM: BahamutSDragons.
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Sam and Max: The case of clothes thieves
The streets had been very calm since the freelance police, Sam and Max, had put away the devilish Lobster Boy, who had tried to control the city population through his armies of lobsters sent in the streets. Some quick thinking and boiling water however had dispatched the minions, and two large rubber bands had been enough to take care of Lobster Boy himself.
Since the confrontation, Sam and Max had installed a new shower in the corner of their office. As the canine put it, after cleaning up the streets, best clean themselves up. The shower had served its purpose well after a harsh day of fighting crime. In fact, the duo had used it for more then just cleaning themselves up.
"Push harder Sam! I'm almost there!"
Warm water was pouring down on the lagomorph as he leaned against one of the ceramic tiled wall of the shower, his back to his partner Sam who had his cock shoved deep in his tight bunny hole, his legs not even reaching the ground. Sam retracted his hips a little before thrusting harder in his pal, inadvertently smashing Max's head against the wall and creating another crack in the tiles.
"That must feel like being caught between a wall and a hard place," Sam said.
"Not hard enough," Max replied in a daring voice.
"Ok, how about... THIS!"
Sam grabbed his buddy's hips and pounding his doggie cock as fast as he could, in and out of Max's tight hole, feeling the grip of the rabbit's anal ring trying to squeeze his juiced from him.
"Oh yes, YES!" Max responded.
As the pressure increased and their passion became wilder, both heard the phone ring.
"I'LL GET IT!" Max shouted, briefly forgetting that he was tied to Sam's large manhood. He tried to run, but found himself unable to move. In turn, Sam ran out of the shower, bringing his best friend with him, and grabbed the phone as Max found himself against the open window. People on the street looked up as Max cried out in bliss, while on the other end, his pal answered to the commissioner.
"Yes? Uh-huh... Really? Great linguini over a campfire! We're on our way," the dog concluded as he hung up. "Come on little buddy, we've got a new case to solve!"
"What? But what about..."
But Max was unable to finish his sentence as Sam grabbed his mate's hips and started thrusting into him harder then before. Max was only too happy to comply with the ride and cried in glee as his head entered and left the windows, leaving the people on the street confused, and for the few who understood, either amused or disgusted.
Sam gritted his teeth as he felt the pressure building further. He felt the familiar tingle in his stomach, the desire to release his dog love fluids into his partner, friend and mate. On the other side, Max had grabbed a hold of the window edge with hands and feet and was now pumping the dog with his ass, ready to receive the divine juices.
With a howl, Sam gave one final thrust, the hardest, which buried his cock and semen deep within the lagomorph. Awaiting the moment with glee, Max released himself at the same moment, shooting wave after wave of cum out the window and on to unsuspecting bystanders. On the street, a lady felt something in her hair. She put a hand to it and verified the texture.
"Gel!" he said, surprised, as she rubbed it in her hair to aid her style, before continuing on her way. Mary would later be hired to make a comedy movie.
Back at the office, Sam was now on one knee, a hand on the edge of the window, panting with Max under him.
"Looks like we'll need another shower!" Max said.
"No time for that little buddy," his pal replied while getting up. "We have a case to break."
"Goody! I always wanted to be a dirty cop! We're bad! We're bad!" He added with a small dance.
"You crack me up little buddy. Now let me just get my uniform and we'll be on our way." Sam let his friend finish his dance while he went to the closet.
"Great trousers in a Chinese press!" Sam exclaimed as he looked at his series of grey suits.
"There's a spaghetti stain on my favourite suit!"
Max stopped his dancing and walked over to his friend. He put out his finger to the sauce and tasted it.
"Meatballs, pastrami, green peppers, parmesan... garlic!" The rabbit exhaled to illustrate his point, a green skull shaped puff of smoke escaping his mouth.
"Holy mother of sweet pumpkin pie! That can only mean one thing!"
"That the culprit is a giant mutant meat monster?"
"No Max, we've already dealt with him. There's only one restaurant in town which serves meatball, pastrami, green pepper, parmesan and garlic sauce on their spaghetti: The Super Mario Brothers Spaghetti Emporium!"
"You mean the Italian restaurant which very obviously ripped off Nintendo's franchise just as we are now?"
"The very same! Come on Max, we have some racial stereotyping to do!"
"My favourite kind of stereotyping!" Max answered as he ran after his naked buddy. Sam grabbed his large gun before leaving the office. After all, he just felt naked without his revolver. The pair ran downstairs and swiftly exiting the building, before jumping into their trusty Desoto parked at it's usual space: over a bent parking meter.
"Can I drive?" Max called out. "Please?! I promise not to run over so many pedestrians this time!"
"Sorry Max, but we're in a hurry. There's no saying what those Italians can do. Remember last time a radical racial stereotype group went on a rampage?"
"Yeah, the Swiss started pacifying everyone and taking all of their money, supposedly to 'put it in a bank'. "
"We have to stop them before they stain the whole city's clothes!" Sam said as he put the pedal to the metal and made his car storm out into the streets and alleys. The tires squealed as he took tight turns and shortcuts, burned red lights and even hit an old lady's walker, all for the sake of justice.
Max had already been sitting for more then half a minute and was getting quite bored. He usually enjoyed random acts of vandalism, but Sam had taken away his paint gun since last time. He rummaged in the dashboard, trying to find something fun to play with, but only found debts, bills, lawsuits, and cease and desist papers which all flew away as he checked them out. He then turned to his doggie friend and decided it had been far too long since they'd had carsex.
Oblivious as always to his partner's actions, Sam extended his arm and grabbed a map just as it was flying out of the dashboard. He spread it over the wheel as he tried to figure out what was the best way to get to Mario's.
"Now if I make a left turn here..." he mused as he turned the wheel almost unconsciously, directing the Desoto into the opposite lane. Cars horned as they moved out of the way of the freelance police car. An 18 wheeler truck honked louder as he saw the approaching vehicle, and as he tried to move out of the way jackknifed while pursuing its course towards the unsuspecting crime fighters.
"Ah no, I need to make a right in this alley," Sam said as he turned right on another main street. The truck passed near them without the canine driver noticing. Later in the news, there would be a report of an explosion, with crumbling buildings and hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage.
Meanwhile, Max had slipped out of his seat and over to the driver's side, between the canine's legs. Although Sam was not erect, the lagomorph could smell a familiar but faint odor of pheromones. The musk delighted him and if there had ever been a doubt in his mind that he should pursue his perverted goals, which there had not been, the odor had entranced him enough to forget all else. Hypnotic spirals appeared in his eyes as he approached the doggie threat, mouth wide open and large tongue hanging out of it.
Sam took a quick turn right, which slammed Max's head between his thighs, the cock sliding in his mouth at the same time. Surprised, Sam took a deep breath and looked down as his eyes met with the rabbit's white furry head. He started panting and loosing his already little focus on the road. Soon, he just closed his eyes, spread his legs (although his foot never left the gas pedal) and laid back, a large smile on his open mouth.
Max couldn't ask for a better threat. He slurped the cock head, the shaft, the balls, all in a masterful way. He knew what made his lover tick, and eagerly wanted to set him off like a bomb. He bobbed his head slowly, his tongue tasting the flowing precum.
Now free of a master, the car roamed the streets freely, swirling around, slaloming unwillingly among the traffic, and finally taking a hard left on a road in construction. The Desoto now hit bumps, avoided metal pipes and even entered one, swirling around in it before exiting through the air.
For Max, few things could compare with the pleasure of rampage during crime busting. The laugh of a child. A blossoming flower. And being force fed large doggy cock while driving on a dirt road, on the brink of death. Aroused like never before, Max pumped rapidly on the cock, using the bumpy terrain to his advantage. He could feel his mate's pleasure building rapidly and impatiently awaited the warm gooey juices.
With an "ooohhhh" and an "arrgh", Sam released in his friend's mouth, who backed out a little and accepted it all over his face. It felt like a warm fountain from which to drink, and drink he did.
Finally, the pressure was off. Max went up and looked at his friend.
"You came, I conquered!" he said with an intense cheerful tome.
"You said it little buddy," the dog replied as he recovered. After looking at where they had crashed, he added "Great Bonkers on a treadmill! We've managed to park exactly in front of The Super Mario Bros Spaghetti Emporium!"
"What are the odds I wonder?"
"Well, we just avoided a potentially long and tedious segue. Come on, we've got some crime to bust!" He jumped out of the Desoto, his gun loaded and ready for action.
Sam and Max ran to the restaurant entrance, trying to avoid being seen through the windows. As they stood on either side of the door, Max started getting jumpy, waiting for the final go. Sam then nodded to his partner.
"Freezo Mario Brotheros!" the dog shouted as he kicked the door in, with the smaller lagomorph entering at high speed before him, gun drawn.
The clientele was stunned to find a large nude anthropomorphic dog, wielding a gigantic gun and with his still cum dribbling cock spilling over his rabbit partner's head, who was smiling like there was no tomorrow.
An Italian man dressed in a formal suit stormed out of the kitchen. His tie leaned to the left and represented the tower of Pisa. He waved his arms in confusion, shouting "What-a is-a the meaning of-a this?"
"Mr. Mario, we're here to close down your scheme. We know that you've come to stain our clothes with your delicious spaghetti sauce."
"I-a... I-a do not-a know what-a you mean!"
"Don't try to confuse us with your phoney accent!" Max shouted as he bounced on a table, gun pointed towards Mario. "The gig is up!" He looked down and found himself standing on a plate of spaghetti. The rabbit wiggled his toes and added "I love spaghetti between my toes."
"You crack me up little buddy," Sam responded. "Are you going to come with us nice and quiet or do we have to use legal brutality on you?"
"Oh! Oh!" Max said as he jumped gleefully in his plate of spaghetti, spraying the customers around him. "Please choose legal brutality! It's been a while since I got to use my flame throwing taser!"
"I give-a you fair warning," Mario replied instead, taking a step back. "Catch-a them!"
The clients all got up as one and within a few seconds jumped the unsuspecting Sam and Max. The dog tried to fend them off but was quickly restrained by large bodied but short legged men with long thin moustaches. On the other side, Max slipped in the spaghetti and rolled as men also grabbed him by the legs. He tried to kick them away but their grips were too strong for him
"Men always find a way to get the best of me," he said as the henchmen dragged him next to his pal.
"This-a is-a the first and last-a time you meddle in-a my plans, Freelance-a Police!"
Sam was about to reply something witty when something hit him from behind, sending him into the pleasant but very dark world of unconsciousness. When he woke up, he found himself tied and hanging over a large boiling cauldron of spaghetti sauce, with Max also tied right in front of him who was also regaining consciousness. At the base of the cauldron, Mario was looking at him, a sadistic smile on his lips.
"You won't get away with this Mario!" Sam said.
"Yeah, we still have about four story pages to get you!"
"Four pages to describe your pain I am sure! This is a perfect plot! After I have stained all of the formal suits, I will open my chain of Wang Chinese Laundry! That's right!" he cut off the dog. "I am not only Italian, but also Chinese. Chu Wang Mario, the greatest criminal mastermind this city has ever seen. My plan is perfect!"
"You know, " Sam said, "you don't have to be Italian to own a spaghetti restaurant, nor Chinese to own a..."
"I just happen to be Chinese Italian! Don't judge me!"
"We wouldn't judge you. Psychopathic killers are out of our league!" Max replied.
"Perhaps, but now you will die."
Mario Wang then lit two candles over two ropes. Sam followed them with his eyes to realise that they were what was holding them over the delectable sauce.
"You have about two minutes to live! I suggest you use them well. Joi gin, Sam and Max!"
The criminal laughed as he left the room and the freelance police. Sam wanted to swing to safety, but looking at the slowly burning rope, he was afraid that it would snap and send him to a tasty but boiling doom. He looked at his pal and would have had fear in his eyes if only he has regular eyes rather then check thingies... not to mention that neither Sam nor Max truly knew fear.
"Well little buddy, looks like this is the end of the line."
"But why Sam? WHY? I have so much to do! People to see! Orgasms to have! I want to cum Sam! Won't you make me cum?!"
"Hey, that gives me an idea! Hold still..."
Luckily, Sam was dotted with surprising lower body strength. He managed to lift his legs and keep them stable with relative ease. At this distance, he was able to touch his friend. He started rubbing Max with his feet, starting with the hips, and rapidly descending to the inner and outer thighs. Max enjoyed the treatment and moaned a little as he felt the toes touch his ball sack and rapidly growing cock.
In a way, it was like torture. Sam only managed to delicately massage him, and each touch made the lagomorph crave for more. He started swinging towards Sam.
"Don't move Max," Sam warned. He was afraid that Max's rope could break as well. "Just let me pleasure you."
"But Sam, this isn't like our regular tie up games. You're usually much more brutal with me."
Sam didn't reply as he continued rubbing his friend in the right way. He managed to catch Max's cock between the big toe and the one next to it. With a firm grasp, he started stroking Max's penis, enjoying the sensation almost as much as his mate did. He moved his foot up and down, making precum dribble and fall into the cauldron under them. With his other foot, he rubbed the ball sack, playing with it with his toes, and rubbing the area between the rabbit's legs.
Despite the earlier complaints, Max was now up to full arousal and although he didn't swing anymore, he still tried to thrust his hips onto the dog's foot.
"Both..." he whispered. "Use both feet."
Sam was only happy to oblige. Removing the cock between the toes, he placed it between the feet instead, rubbing the skin up and down, sometimes slow and sometimes as fast as he could. Despite the situation, he enjoyed teasing Max, and knew that his partner enjoyed it as well.
Max was now thrusting into the feet as fast as his hanging butt enabled him to. He wanted to grab those feet and just pound them as hard as he could. And finally, he felt his orgasm hit him, with the cum shot firing into the air like fireworks of pleasure. The first hit Sam in the face and the second directly on his own erect cock. He reoriented Max's cock and managed to make his plan succeed, extinguishing both candles with the third cum shot.
The danger had been averted, and he was no longer afraid to swing. Within a minute, the dog had managed to swing himself strong enough to make the rope snap and he was projected out of harm's way. Moments later, Max was also back on firm ground. He had completely recovered from his orgasm.
"You know," the lagomorph said, "we never tried something like this. I'm ready to do it again!"
"No time for that Max, we have to stop Chu Wang Mario before he executes his master plan!"
And with that, the still nude Sam and Max dashed out of the kitchen and into the now cleared dining room. From the window, Sam could see that the sun was setting and before long, it would be night. They ran out of the restaurant and to their Desoto parked across the street, only to find that the tires had been shot.
"Since when do villains plan for the failures their traps?" Max asked.
"Don't you remember Max? We received a resume of the Villains United for Crime Convention, where they tried to educate evildoers about the potentiality of failure."
"Didn't they also tell them to not reveal their master plans?"
"Crime still has a long way to go little buddy."
Sam knew that the cleaning district was quite a distance from where they were, meaning that they only had one choice: they had to requisition a civil car. They looked around for anything which could go do the mileage fast, but was disappointed with the selection of parked cars.
"You know, for an Italian district, there really is a cruel lack of Italian cars." Sam commented.
"Well they were part Chinese."
Finally, Sam saw a slick design in the distance and knew better then to let it go.
"Ok Max, fetch!"
The lagomorph had just been waiting for the cue and he ran dog like a dog with rabies. The car driver was very unaware of the incoming threat however and was driving off nonchalantly. When he heard what could be best described at demented barking behind him, he quickly looked to find the rabbit running on all fours, saliva flowing from its wide mouth. Terrorised, the driver put the pedal to the metal, but too late as Max leapt into the convertible luxury car and onto the steering wheel. The driver lifted his arms over his face, screaming in fear.
"Sam and Max, Freelance Police!" Max said as he showed his badge. "We're taking control of this puppy!" The driver couldn't hear anything anymore however, petrified with fear. Grabbing the wheel, he approached his face from the driver's. "Beat it!" he shouted in a terrifying voice, making the driver jump out of the car in mid drive. He would later be found in the corner of an alley by a couple of bums, who would offer him a drink and a place to stay near a burning banister.
Moments later, Max had driven the car back to his partner, who took up the driver's seat.
"Alright," Sam said as he slid behind the wheel. "Let's see what this... Raicchini? I thought this would be a Lamborghini."
"Well this is a..."
"Italian Chinese district, yes, I know." By now, Sam was turning corners at high speed and slaloming dangerously between traffic."
"Hey Sam!" Max wondered. "Why is it called Sam and Max instead of Max and Sam?"
"That's because I always come first little buddy." The thought of cum started to make the short rabbit horny again. Even at high speed in a convertible, he could smell the pheromones emanating from his friend and all he wanted to do was leap from his seat to suck him right off. The dog started panting heavily and Max smiled, knowing what it announced.
"We... need to save energy for the last fight," Sam said, his voice uncertain. Hearing it made his buddy frown.
"Awww...."
"Besides, we already had a car sex scene, so it would only be redundant."
"But Sam, porn is redundant! And very pleasurable."
"Tell you what little buddy: when we're done with all of this, I'll do that thing with the tongue you like so much." He wiggled his tongue in the air to illustrate his statement.
"Goody!" Max replied, feeling hornier then ever but willing to keep himself in check... barely
Minutes later, the freelance police had reached the Chinese neighbourhood and were actively searching for the right cleaners among a sea of other cleaners. Sam drove slowly, trying to make out the English names.
"There it is," he finally said as he stopped to park the car.
"Wash your Wang," Max read out loud. "Catchy! I like it!"
"They probably meant..."
"No! No! Don't spoil it!"
Instead, Sam reached for his weapon, but remembered that he had not recovered it since being captured.
"You know, I really feel naked without my gun."
"Tell me about it!"
Still, they knew they had to take care of business so they approached the cleaners and again, kicked the door open before leaping inside. To their surprise, Chu Wang Mario was ready for them, standing at the counter with his trademark smile. All around the room stood his henchmen dressed in traditional Chinese clothes.
"Ah, so you have finally arrived to your demise, Sam and Max. Let me present my crew: Fuk Yu Raw, Fat Dik, Long Cok and... Gary."
"Gary? You ran out of sexual Chinese sounding word play for names?"
"What'chou talkin' 'bout?" The police turned to find a small black man under the Chinese robes.
"Gary Coleman?" Sam exclaimed. "What are you doing here?"
"Since that Postal game, I needed a gig. Chu Wang Mario took good care of me."
"I'll bet he did!" Max exclaimed.
"And now Sam and Max, prepare to meet your doom!" Gary Coleman said as he approached with the rest of the henchmen.
"In Chinese!" Wang shouted annoyingly.
"Um, Cho go sen pao mak ta, Sam and Max!" the black henchman said with an uncertain voice.
"Meh, close enough," his leader shrugged.
"Oh no, approaching henchmen. What do we do Sam?"
"I do wish I had my excessively large gun. I'll bet it misses dealing rampaging acts of destruction."
"If only we knew martial arts..."
"Well, we do."
"We do?" Max said as he turned to Sam, incredulous.
"Sure, why not," he replied as he took a generic martial arts stance, legs spread and hands ready to chop. Max immediately followed his pal's lead, and both gave a "oooo...yaaaa!!!!" to emphasize their readiness to battle.
The four henchmen jumped as one into the duo, creating a large puff of smoke clouding them all. Sam and Max fought for their lives, kicking, punching, karate chopping and biting their foes. Wang could hardly contain himself as he imagined the duo getting struck down by his henchmen.
In the end however, as the smoke cloud dying down, the villain realised that in fact, his trusty men had failed in their task and were now laying one on each other on the floor, their eyes in a spinning daze and the freelance police standing proudly over them.
"Wow," Max said, "who would have thought that we could beat men twice our size so easily."
"It just comes to show that it doesn't matter how strong you are..."
"It's all about the reward at the end. I want your doggy cock Sam."
"Soon Max. First we have to put Chu Wang Mario behind bars," he said as he turned towards the half Italian half Chinese man.
"Argh!" Mario screamed as he slammed his fists on the desk before him. "How could you have stopped my perfect plan? It was so... perfect! I refuse to give in!"
"Hey Sam, have you noticed that he lost his accent some time ago?"
"I should have known: he's neither Italian nor Chinese! Come on Max, we have to catch him before he gets away!" he added as Wang ran to the backdoor.
Sam and Max ran to the backroom, where they found piles of clothes all around. Realising that there was no other exit, they started searching around the piles of clothes. Sam threw the clothes all over the place and Max threw himself from pile to pile. Finally, the lagomorph found the culprit. And as Mario tried to escape, Sam tackled him to the floor.
"Allow me to tie you up," the dog said as he grabbed a large tie from a nearby rack and tied Mario. Strangely, the idea of being tied up aroused him slightly. "Well little buddy," the dog said as he turned to his friend. "Another one bites the dust. Let's call the commissioner and release him to the authorities."
"Yeah, and then we can go do some releasing of our own."
"You said it Max, and I haven't forgotten about my promise, with the tongue."
Mere hours later, Max removed a leather mask and uncuffed Sam from his bed restraints. Both were covered in semen, their cocks and asses in particular. Sam still had some dripping from his mouth as well.
"S&M, check," he said as he added the perverted act to an already very full list. "Well, I guess that takes care of all the major sex fetishes."
"All except group sex."
The duo looked at each other, then both turned to the door, half expecting for a crowd of sexy people to arrive, then to the window, and finally to the rat hole, but nothing happened.
"Huh, that's odd," Sam said. "I expected legions of people to come in after saying that."
"I guess it'll have to wait another case!"
"I guess so little buddy. Now let's go take a shower. I feel all dirty, like I haven't showered since yesterday."
"I'm right on your tail!" Max said as he followed his friend to what he knew would be another great adventure.