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Winter break was drawing to a close. Christmas was over, an awkward affair for Kevin. The Tangles, Kevin's downstairs neighbors had invited Charlie and himself down to spend the evening with them. They had dutifully trooped down, neither one much in the holiday spirit, their past and present hanging between them like a noose.

The night hadn't been a complete disaster, but to say it was a merry Christmas would be stretching the meaning of the term to the breaking point. Food was eaten, gifts were exchanged, Sheila, as was traditional, got drunk and invited them all to gang bang her and as was traditional, she was turned down. Not to be put off, she began insisting that Kevin and Charlie put on a show for her, after all, she never got to see Kevin and Herbert do the nasty.

After that, any question of a merry Christmas was gone. Everyone gamely trooped on, Sheila didn't even notice what she'd done -- she was so deep into her cups -- and no one wanted to make her feel guilty. She had been trying so hard to be jolly and uplift the drooping spirits of her neighbors.

The next few days, Kevin and Charlie had avoided each other as much as possible. Kevin spent more time in his office, staring at blank space on his computer, while every time he came home, Charlie was conveniently just on his way down to the Tangle's. New Years was right around the corner and again they were going to have to face each other with an inebriated Sheila doing her best to bring life to a dead man's party.

The day before New Years Eve, the routine changed. Kevin returned from his frustration in the office and found Charlie waiting for him on the couch. He motioned the bear to sit across from him. Hesitant, Kevin took the indicated seat. The young man was on edge, sweat beaded on his forehead and he was set in his seat like he expected hurricane force winds to sweep him away at any moment. Kevin braced himself for the worst, whatever that might be.

"I've come to a decision, Kevin," Charlie said once Kevin was seated. "I owe you so much, probably my life. Taking me into this environment, it's been really good for my mental health. I never realizedhow much Trista screwed with my head until she was gone and between you and the Tangles, I really feel like I've come back to myself."

Kevin opened his mouth to speak, but Charlie raised his hand.

"No, let me finish, please. I've been thinking a lot about what I could do to pay you back, or at least to try to pay you back. What I've come up with is this. I know how much you miss Herbert, I understand what he meant to you and how lost you are without him. I know how much I look like him, and I was thinking, maybe, that you could use me as a stand in."

It took a few moments for what he'd heard to sink in to Kevin's head. He sat blinking.

"I'm not sure I follow you," Kevin said from a dry mouth. "Are you suggesting..."

Charlie leaned forward and, without hesitation, planted a kiss on Kevin's lips. Shocked, Kevin pulled back.

"You're not gay," Kevin said.

"Close enough," Charlie said. "Look, you don't need to answer me now. Think about it. Not about what it would meanfor me, don't even think about refusing for my sake. I'm resolved. If you'll have me, I want to do this, for as long as you want me."

"Let's be perfectly clear about this. You are offering yourself to me as some kind of Herbert sex doll?" Kevin said.

"If you like, but I prefer to think of it as being a therapeutic stand in." Charlie shrugged.

"Sheila put you up to this, didn't she?"

"No, though I guess she might have given me the idea, indirectly. I'm going out now to give you a chance to think about my offer. I'll be back in a few hours. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of some way to repay you and this is literally the only thing I can think of. I don't have anything else to offer you."

"You don't owe me anything," Kevin said.

"That's for me to decide," Charlie said as he stood and made for the door. "Really think about it. I am dead serious."

Then he closed the door, leaving Kevin alone with his shock.

The boy had gone insane, that much was clear. Too much pressure from living with Kevin's obvious attraction, too much guilt from the past. He was desperate for anything to assuage his wounded soul. It was so wrong, it didn't even bear consideration. Charlie didn't really want him, he just wanted to relieve the pressure between them. How like the young, to think that sex can solve any problem.

And yet.

The attraction Kevin felt was very real, no matter how twisted and misdirected he knew it was. To his eyes, to his body, Charlie was Herbert, as close a copy as could be without magic or super science. He had a gentle soul like Herbert's and he was older than his years, if not by temperament then by experience. For all Kevin told himself all he felt was fatherly affection, he knew in his heart that he wanted Herbert back and since that was clearly impossible, he was willing to take the next best thing, like a heroin addict offered methadone.

He ached for that boar. He dreamed of him, felt him through the fog of sleep and the infinite distance of time. When he awoke in the morning, he still expected him to be there. Despite all his efforts to train himself not to expect Herbert's weight on the other side of the bed, he was surprised to find there was no one there to spoon with during those delicious moments before wakefulness truly sets in and the world of dreams is still strong.

Couldn't Charlie help with that? Was it really so impossible? No, don't start, Kevin. Stop trying to weasel your way into doing something you know is wrong. You've got a brain, use it. Your body is stupid, all it knows is chemicals stimulation. It has no use for morality. You are better than your instincts, damn it.

The pep talk should have been the last word, but Kevin could not let it rest. Charlie was offering a dream come true, even if it was a lie. All dreams are lies, so what's wrong with this one? It's not just a dream. You're talking about actions in the real world. Can you really look at yourself in the mirror after taking advantage of the kid? Wouldn't it be a form of rape? To play on the boy's guilt for sex.

God damn it, Kevin, you haven't played on anything. You've done everything you can to reassure him that you don't want anything from him, that he's forgiven. This is something he wants to do. You'll be doing more harm than good by turning him away. After all, what's the worst thing that could happen? It wouldn't work, it'd fall flat and it'd just be another experience to dump in the failure bin, just like all the others. At best? It could mean finally being free of the past. Wasn't that worth trying for?

The worst thing that could happen is that it could make everything worse. This was not a decision to rest on the rosy view of things. They could both be hurt. Hell, he might fall in love with the boy, but it wouldn't be Charlie, it would be some warped image of Herbert and that wouldn't be fair to either of them. No. It was too risky. Forget all about it, tell him no.

But of course, it wasn't so simple. For every reason he found to say no, he found a reason to say yes.

"Damn it Charlie, what the fuck are you trying to do to me," he said. Standing, he began to pace while moving his internal dialogue external. Maybe the sound of his voice would help. It didn't, but at least it felt like progress.

Eventually, his stomach growled and refused to be quiet. Finding himself right at square one, he decided that his problem was probably an empty stomach interfering with his thinking. Choosing a recipe complicated enough to keep his attention off his problem for a while, he got down to cooking. He made enough for two, but when it came time to eat, he found himself so hungry that he ate it all.

During his meal, he'd managed to keep his mind free of Charlie's proposition, but as he washed his culinary tools, it came back to the foreand he wrestled with it a while more with no more success than he had enjoyed before.

The front door opened while Kevin was in the bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror in vague hopes that having someone to talk to, even if it was only his reflection, would help. The idea of talking to either of the Tangles was completely out of the question. Sheila would tell him to go for it without reservation and George would, at best, urge caution if he didn't straight up refuse to give advice.

Kevin abandoned the bathroom and went to greet Charlie, still not knowing if he should refuse or accept. As he neared the doorway, he heard two voices, Charlie's and another he didn't recognize, but that seemed familiar.

"Chair?" the stranger voice said as Kevin reached the room. It was the badger, Anthony Barrow. He looked much the same as he had when he'd come to apologize for throwing Kevin into a panic attack. The stripe on his face was even more hazy than it had been before, touring with Spade's Diamond-Heart Club had apparently taken it's toll. He wore a leather jacket and jeans and the fur on his head was spiked up. Glancing over his shoulder, he tossed his head in greeting before leaning over to help Charlie sit down. Kevin, despite himself, took note of how nicely his wide ass stretched his jeans.

Over his shoulder, Kevin caught sight of Charlie's face, which was becoming quite swollen. His left eye was nearly shut and blood crusted under his nose.

"Thanks, Ant," he said. His teeth were stained red with his blood.

"What the hell happened?" Kevin asked, crossing the floor to get a better look. On closer examination, he saw that Anthony had a fat lip, but that seemed to be the extent of his injuries, not that his concerns rested on the badger. Charlie looked even worse, his face was covered in dark purple bruises.

"Bar fight," Anthony said, "some punk bison and his bitch decided they needed to get their asses kicked."

"Trista," Charlie added quietly, though Kevin thought he saw the gleam of triumph in his eyes.

"I'm going to need more detail than that," Kevin said, "Don't move, I'll get you ice and ibuprofen. When I get back, you'd better be ready to tell me everything."

"You have any beer?" Anthony asked as he sank into a chair with a slowness that spoke of aching muscles.

"No. You'll have to make do with aspirin."

"You have any liquor?"

"No. I do have some rubbing alcohol if you're that desperate."

Anthony sighed. "I guess I can wait. Your buddy here owes me a binge for saving his bacon anyway, if you'll excuse the pun."

Kevin made up a few ice packs and passed them out before fetching pain killers and doling them out as well. Once the pills were swallowed and ice packs properly applied, Anthony began telling his story with occasional input from Charlie when he wandered too far off track.

I was sitting in Lefty's, that school pub down on Main, rubbing elbows with the students that hadn't gone down to see their families. Usually it makes me feel young, but it didn't seem to be working tonight. I guess I just couldn't get myself into the groove. I was checking out a couple of very nice specimens, a big muscly fox and his date, a cute little round raccoon, thinking that maybe a threesome would be just the thing, when I noticed Charlie here.

He was sitting all by himself at a table, nursing some light piss beer that probably cost the bar a quarter a gallon, looking lonely. At least, I thought he looked lonely, maybe he was just thinking. Either way, I figured nothing cheers a guy up more than cheering up another guy and hopefully getting a nice warm load for your trouble. What? I was horny and feeling my age, don't look at me like that. I was still trying to make up my mind when he got joined by this cute little she-bear. She seemed to know him, she acted all friendly, sat all close and snuggled her head into his shoulder.

I gave him up as a lost cause and went over to romance the couple. I bought them drinks and turned on the charm and it wasn't long before I had them eating out of my hands, literally in the case of the raccoon, who it turns out was a tanuki Japanese exchange student into submission.

It was about the time the tanuki, whose name was Hideki, if you're curious, was climbing under the table to help his boyfriend and I settle a bet, when the first little commotion started. Charlie pushed the girl away and stood up and said something. It was too loud in the bar to hear what he was saying, but it was pretty clear it wasn't 'come back to my place'. She looked like she was about to go for his throat when she suddenly got sly. A cute little shrug of her shoulders and a toss of her head seemed to get her self control back and she said something and left.

I lost the bet, by the way. That kid did suck my cock right there under the table and damn, he had talent. He did this thing where he-- what? It's part of the story. No really, it's important. Oh, fine, just the facts, Detective Friday.

Anyway, after Hideki finished helping me clean out my pipe, I started in negotiating with his boyfriend, name of Francis, the cause of all those muscles, no doubt, for the pleasure of their company for the rest of the night. It seems they'd had plans to attend a party that night and he thought they'd have more fun there than with me. I wasn't planning on letting that go, once I set my mind on a good fuck, it's set. Well, not completely set, but they were obviously into me, not like how it was with you and me, Kevin, I learned my lesson. Or at least, I wasn't that drunk yet.

Anyway, I was just about to clinch the deal when the chick came back, only this time, she had a big meat head bison dude with her. The guy didn't rely on his natural physique, he looked like he worked out like a fiend Probably making up for something, he didn't come across as a genius when I got into a deep philosophical conversation with him later. Anyway, he was almost as tall as you and probably as wide, but without the padding.

Knowing trouble brewing when I see it, and being a guy who hates to see a serious cutey get the bad end of it, I excused myself from the dream team and made my way through the crowd. By the time I got there, their new relationship had hit a bit of a bump and the meat head was hauling Charlie here out of his seat by his shirt front.

He said something like, "This is for trying to take what's mine," I was close enough to hear by then, and tried to fit one of those big fists into his eye socket. By the time I got my arms around him, he had got a few more shots in. I tried to tell him he got it all wrong while I was pulling him back, but the asshole was as strong as he looked. He shrugged me off like I was a toddler and went back to mashing in Charlie's face.

That bitch was standing there like a little kid at Christmastime. I mean, she was practically jumping for joy and clapping her hands. I'm not the kind that hits a lady, no sir, but I was thinking about making an exception. Just as soon as I got the bison to mind his manners.

I looked around to see if there was any help incoming. The bartender was on the phone, I could just see him over the crowd that had formed around us. The bouncer was trying to get in, but they were slowing him down. There wasn't enough time for him to arrive before the professor put Charlie in a coma, so it was up to me.

There was a chair within arms reach. It works in the movies, right? Well, I picked that thing up, a surprisingly heavy thing, by the way, maybe the management didn't much like their chairs used as clubs, and gave my best crack at playing wild west bar fight. Let me tell you, the chair did not break. In fact, it came right out of my hands and bounced into the crowd, almost took my head off with it. Mr. Bison didn't go down like a good boy either. Fucker just dropped Charlie like a doll and turned on me.

By this time the bouncer had got through and I was all ready to step aside and let him take over. The only problem is, the bear bitch started screaming about how we'd attacked them. The bouncer apparently wasn't that great a thinker either, because the moron got between us and started pushing me away, as if Charlie and I were really dumb enough to think we were enough of a threat to the meat head.

Meat Head wasn't as dumb as he looked, apparently, because he took the opportunity to finish the job on Charlie. Since there wasn't a lot of time for explanations, I went ahead and reminded the bouncer why football players wear cups. He went down like a glass of milk, real smooth. Then I grabbed the chick, which set her off screaming like I was knifing her. Her prince charming left off Charlie like I'd hoped he would.

She slapped my face real good, so I bopped her upside the head, picked her up like she was a really heavy sack of flour, just like when I was a kid at my first job, and lobbed her into her big lug. It's a good thing she's so small, or it wouldn't have worked.

To his credit, he caught her, but it put him off balance so when I kicked him in the knee, he went right down and clipped his head on a table. It didn't seem to do much more than piss him off though. He got right back up, and I could see he was really seeing red now.

I hoped that I could hear sirens, but even if I wasn't imaging it, I knew they wouldn't get a chance to play cavalry. There was no help in the bar, the bouncer was still making sure his jewels weren't flat, the crowd was too charged at seeing a fight to want it to stop and the bartender seemed to be guarding his bottles.

Then the bison said something clever like, "you're going to regret that," and I said, "Yeah, probably," and he made to give me a bear hug. So I regifted the bouncer's present and raised his voice. Would you believe it just pissed him off more? He roared like a, well, like a wounded buffalo and swung one of those big fists at me. I managed to duck it, I credit all the bottles I've dodged in bars behind the set.

Obviously, given my physique, he didn't expect me to do that and he over committed.I kicked him in the shin as hard as I could. Luckily for me, he wasn't planted properly because of his over-punching and he made like an oil spill. I sat on his back while he was picking himself up, grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, and started hammering imaginary nails into the floor with his head. It took a really long time for him to stop fighting.

The bouncer finally put two and two together, two being the size of the guy and the other two being Charlie's hamburger face, and let me alone, but I saw that bitch trying to sneak out through the crowd. I wasn't going to stand for that. So I tackled her. I suppose I could have been gentler, but if you ask me, the bitch had it coming. Anyway, on her way down, she broke her snout on a table.

The cops finally show up now, just in time to see me giving the lady her ticket to dream land. That brought me another round of mistaken identity from the cops, they wound up calling some other cops and finally these two detectives showed up, a wolf and a sheep, I can't remember their names, and hauled the bitch and her boy off in handcuffs and cut me and him loose. Asked Charlie if he was going to press charges like they doubted it, but I set them straight about that.

Anyway, Charlie told me who he was and where he was staying and I brought him to you. And I'd like to point out that I have been a perfect gentleman with him. I haven't even hit on him or anything. I figure he's had enough of that for one night, right?

Kevin listened to the story with no small amount of pleasure, save the part where Charlie got hurt. Trista had shown her face again and tried to get her hooks back into Charlie or maybe the plan had always been to get her new boyfriend to beat him up. Either way, it had seriously backfired. Assault and battery was a big deal, especially when it was obvious that there had been conspiracy behind it. The physical recompense, he found equally as satisfying.

He had watched Charlie as Anthony had told his story and the boy seemed more at peace than Kevin could ever remember him being. There was a light in his eye that Kevin couldn't recall ever seeing before, like a spark of life had been imparted to him. Evidently, the events of the night had lifted a great weight off his shoulders. Kevin imagined that he considered a bruised and swollen face a small price to pay, Kevin certainly would. He couldn't help wondering, though, whether it was her arrest that had done the trick, or her injury.

Perhaps now he would drop the idea of his going to bed with Kevin to repay a half-imaginary debt. At the very least, he couldn't expect Kevin to take payment now with Charlie in such a state. Either way, he had won a reprieve and Charlie had won his freedom from the cloud that had been hovering over him.

Kevin felt like bursting into song, but he restrained himself. The quality of his voice did not lend itself to being used outside of a shower. He realized part of the cloud that had been hanging over him was lifted as well. Tristawas finally going to get what she deserved, like the universe had put its foot down. If Kevin weren't such an empiricist, he might have taken it to be so.

"I don't really know what to say, other than, thank you. I don't know how we could repay you," Kevin said.

Anthony waved the words away. "That's not necessary. It's just nice to be able to show that I'm not always a complete fuck up. But you know what, I've actually got a show down at Gobsmack on Friday. It would be nice to know there was actually someone there to see me."

"Your band is back in town?" Kevin asked.

"No, I've actually left Diamond-Heart's Club. We got an offer from a major label, the condition being that I had to leave the band to make room for a younger guy who'd better fit the image of the band."

"That sucks," Charlie mumbled through his aching jaw.

Anthony shrugged, "The boys didn't want to do it, but I outvoted them. I'm to old for that rock and roll shit anyway and I refuse to be the reason they didn't get to fulfill their dream. Now I'm doing a singer-songwriter thing."

"Is that better than drumming?" Kevin asked.

"Not really. It's not as much fun, anyway. But it has its charms. I've had some stuff knocking around in my head for a long time that I'm finally getting out. Still, nothing beats beating the fuck out of a set of skins along to a distorted guitar."

"The extra attention can't hurt," Kevin said.

Anthony laughed, "Actually, I do not get laid as much as I did as a drummer. If I were chasing chicks I might, but in general, my kind of guy doesn't go in for the sensitive thing. They'd rather have that wild rock and roller."

"That's because you're only interested in children," Kevin said and chuckled.

Anthony pretended offense, "I do not! I went after you, didn't I?"

"I think," Charlie said slowly, "that I will go to bed. My face is killing me."

"Take another dose of ibuprofen," Kevin said.

"Yeah." Charlie left them.

"Can I ask you something?" Anthony asked once Charlie was gone.

"Probably," Kevin said.

"What did Charlie do to give that Trista bitch such a hate-on for him?"

Kevin froze for just a second and tried to disguise it by tidying up the small mess on the table. It also made it so he didn't have to look at Anthony. "What did Charlie tell you?" he asked.

"He said I should ask you."

Kevin finished tidying and carried the glasses into the kitchen, furiously thinking all the way on what he should say, how much he should divulge. The badger certainly deserved to know something about what he'd risked himself for. How much did he need to know, though. A lot of it, Kevin found to be very embarrassing. By the time he returned to the badger, he still didn't really know what to say, so he found himself starting at what was to him, the beginning.

"My husband died five years ago..." He went on to tell the whole story, leaving nothing out. He found it very easy to talk to the badger, he even told him things he hadn't told Sheila and George. Ant listened patiently as he detailed his encounters with Wes. He was way past explaining about Trista, now what he was doing was unloading every single thing he had been keeping inside, up to and including Charlie's offer earlier that evening.

"Well," Ant said when Kevin had finally subsided, "that was a very through retelling of the past few months of your life."

Kevin's ears twitched in embarrassment. He had been a little too open. Anthony was practically a stranger, despite the few times they'd met and his saving Charlie. The odds that he could possibly give a damn about the whole thing were slim. Kevin suddenly felt like an ass.

"Don't be embarrassed," Ant said, "my wife always said I should have become a police officer, people just open up to me. It sounds like you've had a real shitty time of it. Knowing all that I feel like I should apologize again for how I acted towards you. I won't though, 'cause I know it just makes you uncomfortable.

"It's really none of my business, you telling me not withstanding, but I think you should do it."

"Do what?" Kevin asked.

"Go to bed with Charlie. Is it going to be a magic healing experience? Probably not. Is it going to be just like having your husband back again? Definitely not. It could be a disaster, it could break you two apart completely, which might even be good for both of you, who knows? But until you do it, I think you'll always have it hanging between you, just like you have it now. Even I can feel the tension and I'm not always that quick on the uptake. That's the kind of thing that could break you apart regardless.

"Maybe it will be just the thing you need to put the past in the past, shut the door and finally say goodbye to Herbert. My gut tells me that if you ever want anything like the kind of relationship you say you want to have with Charlie, you need to do this and get it out of both of your systems. Prove to yourselves that it's not what you want."

Kevin sat back in his chair and mulled the badger's words over. Anthony stood up and stretchedout hishand for Kevin to take. The bear stood and grasped it firmly.

"Thanks for the advice," he said.

"Hey, no problem. I've got to get going. The night is still young, I might manage to snag a lay before all the good ones are taken." He grinned and headed for the door. "I'll see you Friday, right?"

"Definitely," Kevin said.

Kevin stared at the door a while after Anthony had departed. He had misjudged the badger, he thought. He had considered it after he had apologized but now it was confirmed. For all he pretended to be a teenager trapped in an aging body, in reality he was a deep soul who saw far more than he let on. His advice as to what he should do seemed completely spot on. It seemed to settle every argument Kevin had.

His mind now settled, Kevin headed for the library, which they had converted into a bedroom for Charlie. That meant there was a bed in it now. He knocked quietly, not wanting to wake the young man if he was already asleep. He had been talking to Ant for almost an hour. He listened for a response, but none came. He knocked again, a little bit louder, just in case his first attempt had been too quiet. It too incited no response, so Kevin went on to his own bed.

He awoke after a completely restful sleep. No dreams intruded on him. He felt better than he had any morning in a long time. He went through his morning toilet, threw on his bathrobe, and went out to face Charlie.

Charlie always woke first and today was no exception. He was making himself coffee, his own addition to the kitchen. Kevin didn't drink it, hated the taste, but found the smell pleasant.

"Good morning," Kevin said.

"Morning," Charlie said. Kevin examined him when he turned around, coffee mug in hand. The swelling had mostly gone down in the night, leaving only the bruises to show yesterday's events. He seemed to be working his mouth normally without signs of pain, though Kevin was sure he must still be in quite a bit of pain. A bottle of ibuprofen on the counter supported the idea.

"How are you feeling?"

"Better than I did last night, but my face still feels like an orange after a baseball team used it for batting practice."

"Feel like breakfast?" Kevin asked.

"Only if I don't have to chew it."

"I can manage that."

Kevin went to the pantry and began shuffling through it in search of the creamed wheat he kept for occasions of upset stomach.

"Did you come to a decision about my offer?" Charlie asked just as Kevin pulled the box from the cupboard.

Kevin put the box on the counter and measured some milk into a pot. He put the pot on the stove to heat before turning to address the question. Charlie hadn't moved from where he leaned against the counter, steaming mug in hand, but he was looking directly into Kevin's eyes. It made Kevin uncomfortable, but he didn't look away.

"I don't think that it will help either of us, but I think that not knowing that for sure might be worse. So the answer is yes, I will go to bed with you."

Charlie dropped his eyes to his coffee, suddenly shy. Kevin crossed his arms and leaned against the stove, careful to keep himself away from the hot pot. Was the boar having second thoughts?

"When did you want to do it," Charlie asked quietly.

"Look, if you're not sure--" Kevin started, but Charlie cut him off.

"I am sure, Kevin. I'm not having second thoughts about anything. There's just a difference between offering and being willing to have sex with someone and knowing for certain that it's going to happen. You know, going from an if to a when."

"If you say so," Kevin said. "When your face has healed up some more, that's for sure. No offense, but I don't really find bruises attractive." He remembered the dream he'd had the night he had taken Charlie in.

"I can't say the idea of having sex when you're as sore as I am has much appeal either."

"I suggest we take it one day at a time and see how it goes."

"The milk's boiling."

It was. Kevin swore and put his attention to fixing breakfast.