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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. - George Carlin

North sat cross-legged on the sofa with a controller in his paws, relaxing in preparation for an evening of what he called endurance cooking. Considering that he was hammering away at one of the final bosses in Dark Souls, he wasn't engaging in the conventional sort of relaxation. Controller clicking was the only audible thing in the house at the moment. The shower upstairs fell silent some hours ago and North assumed that Michael and Liz went to take a nap. Truth be told, he didn't want to consider the alternative. His excursion to the supermarket wasn't particularly exciting, except for that one guy at an intersection that called him a fuckknuckle for not responding to the light changing in time. On the way back from the supermarket he had an epiphany. Liz loved Michael and there was fuck-all he could do about it. So he just stayed down in the living room, pretending not to know what they had been doing in the shower, just playing his games like he always did. A strange sort of depression hit him when he realized that he had accomplished nothing in his life so far besides getting a menial job and a few thousand videogame achievements. He paused the game and leaned back, taking a sip from his can of Coke. It went sour in his mouth, reminding him that all he ever did was just sit there and drink his stupid fucking Coca Cola. North grabbed the remote and turned the TV off, the console going into standby mode. Feeling as if all his energy had been drained by some evil invisible warlock, he laid down and turned around to face the wall. Sweat dripped from his neck and into his shirt. The heat was un-fucking-bearable.

A knock on the door interrupted his little soliloquy of self-pity. Sitting up, he searched for the source of the knock and slapped himself mentally when he realized that their house had only one door. Drearily he shuffled over to the front door and opened it with a friendly smile on his face. Nothing. Emptiness. The outside world looked abandoned, bushes swaying in the burning breeze. No cars, no signs of life, nothing. The knock echoed through the house once again and North shut the front door, grabbing a carrot from a brown paper bag as a self-defence weapon. He was probably going insane, which was fine. He had been expecting it for a while now. Welcoming his newly-discovered insanity, he shuffled over to a door he hadn't noticed before. It was on the wall opposite the sofa, completely featureless in nature and totally obstructing. The knocking noise emanated from there. North secretly hoped it was a stargate, or a portal to Narnia, or something. More to the point, how hadn't he noticed it before? Maybe it's because a painting hung on it, supported by a nail that was obviously too long and probably penetrated to the other side. North steadied his footing, pointed the carrot at the lock with one paw, and opened it with the other. Pulling on it, it produced an exceptionally loud bang. That meant it wasn't locked, it was just stuck. Yanking on it once again made it come loose in a spectacular way. The knob came off in his paw and he fell back, the open door revealing a disgruntled-looking female coyote with flaming red hair and light brown fur. The visitor looked as if she had just woken up, a pair of sweatpants falling around her bare feet. She looked totally neutral and unimpressed.

"Oh look, just when I hoped that the moron moved in with someone who's actually sane." She said and approached North who waved a carrot at her "And now I'm being threatened by a vegetable. Lovely."

"Hi?" North asked and stood up, unaware whether or not the vegetable comment was aimed at him or his weapon of choice. "Hi. You moved in quite recently, haven't you? I came once before but there was no-one home."

North scratched his head. She was quite attractive in her own right. Her red hair contrasted starkly with her brown eyes. For some reason he found women in their sleepwear or women who look as if they just got out of bed extremely attractive. Something about the idea of seeing them in their least presentable state. It was a state of complete honesty. The glasses that rested on her nose, a pair that vaguely resembled those that Liz wore, only added to the creature that stood in front of him. Not to mention that she was almost as tall as he was. Without even asking to be invited in, she waltzed past him and took the carrot from his paw, their fingers touching. In an instant she became a whole lot more attractive. Remembering that one time he questioned his own sexuality, North saw what had just happened as a confirmation that he was indeed straight. Very straight. Her hips swayed as she walked over to the kitchen. Extremely straight.

Wasting no time at all, North skipped over to her side and put an apron on, grabbing a pan, some oil, and a spatula. "I was just about to cook dinner" He said and poured some oil in the general direction of the pan, not breaking eye contact with his visitor "I'm North. Pleasure to meet you."

"I'm Sarah and you've got oil on your fingers, North." She said and smirked, completely aware of what the bumbling idiot was doing "That's a strange name you've got there."

"Yep, my parents were strange people. Well, one of them was." He replied and wiped his fingers on his apron "I've never met the other. Long story."

Sarah dropped her gaze and coughed, feeling an uncomfortable sensation rising in her stomach. She shouldn't have brought that up. Then again, how could she have known? It's not like everyone who hailed from a broken home had that fact written on their forehead. Leaning back against the worktop, she looked him over. He hummed to himself as he cooked, occasionally grabbing the odd vial of spices from the overhead cupboard. The urgency and deftness with which he did his job astounded Sarah. From a distance he seemed like someone who wouldn't be able to tie his own shoes without accidentally setting them on fire. His blonde hair, a strand of which fell over his left eye, and unshaven stubble juxtaposed with his black fur made Sarah wonder if he was attractive in this weird, eccentric way. Not to mention that he was exceptionally tall and slender. Dispelling such thoughts from her mind Sarah watched him as he grabbed a plate, slid the still-sizzling steak out of the pan and cut a piece of it off, smelling it as he dangled to fork in front of his nose.

"Seems good so far, but needs more pepper." He said to no-one in particular and put it in his mouth. Instantly he started gagging and coughing, spitting the piece out of the open window above the sink. Sarah put one of her paws against her mouth and tried her best not to burst out laughing. "Oh my god." She said in between fits of manic laughter and watched him as he downed an entire glass of water in record time "You just took that off the fire. What made you think that tasting it now would be a good idea?"

"I don't know!" He replied and joined in with Sarah, tears streaming from his eyes "But holy shit, does it need more pepper!"

"Wait, you still managed to discern exactly what's wrong with it?" She asked, raising an eyebrow. "Sure I did. I do this all the time." He replied and smiled upon realizing what he just suggested "Well, maybe not exactly this, but you get the idea. But at least I know how to tell the guests where to park tonight. In the driveway that has a small chunk of partially-eaten steak on it."

Sarah giggled and North took his apron off, surveying the damage of his first tryout for tonight's dinner. Pepper and salt lay strewn on the stovetop, small grounds of the substance caught in the cracks, the scene further amplified by the drops of oil that hit everything in sight, including his apron.

"So, you're having a party?" Sarah asked and took the apron from him, throwing it nonchalantly over the empty countertop. "Sure. You're invited, obviously." He said and wondered briefly if that was a good idea "It's a housewarming party and I'm in charge of the cooking."

Sarah nodded and watched in slight shock as North took the steak and threw it right in the bin. He put the remaining steaks back into the fridge. "Why'd you throw the steak away?" Sarah asked. North turned around, surprised by the question. "Because I was beta-testing it." he replied matter-of-factly.

"Next time, I won't even bother asking."

***

Liz leaned against the bedroom window and dialed the number from the business card she was given on the evening when they drove Michael to the ER. It rang three times. A voice she heard before answered.

"Dr. Hampton speaking, how can I help you?" Said the voice. Liz fumbled with the card before finally speaking. "Dr. Hampton, we're having a housewarming party tonight and I was wondering if you were available." The voice on the other side laughed warmly.

"Liz dear, I didn't think I'd hear back from you. Of course I'll be there." He paused briefly and the sound of pages being flipped crackled through the speaker "I just checked my schedule and I am indeed free for tonight. When would this little shindig start?"

"Seven o'clock. Michael's woken up, by the way. If you could just give him a shot check-up when you get here..." She paused, looking for the right words "I'd appreciate it very much."

"Of course. I was about to ask you how he was doing." Hampton fell silent for a moment before continuing "We'll talk in more detail tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Bye for now. "

"Goodbye, Dr. Hampton." Liz said and closed the phone, putting it down on the nightstand beside her. She sat on the edge of the bed and threw herself back, her shirt falling by her sides, unbuttoned. Michael entered the room a moment later with an untied bowtie around his neck and crisp white shirt on his chest.

"So, who's coming?" He asked and walked over to her, tying his bowtie in the mirror by the bed "Did you call your cousin?". Liz said nothing, opting to stare at the ceiling instead, one of her claws picking away at one of her buttons. Perhaps having two guests and just two was good. If there were any more she'd probably go straight into perfectionist mode and then no one would be able to put a stop to her. Not even Michael. Well, perhaps he could, providing her straight-up swept her off her feet and dragged her upstairs. Liz shook these thoughts off and turned her attention to the eagle who was busily straightening his sleeves out.

"So, what do you think?" He said and turned around with his wings spread wide, bouncing slightly in place. Liz stood up and approached him with a devious smirk on her face. Slowly she paced around him in a small circle, running her paw over his back and then down his chest, finally grabbing him by the belt and drawing him in for a kiss. "Should I take that as a 'you look good' or 'I'm kissing you out of pity'?" Michael asked, drawing a stifled giggle out of his girlfriend. Just referring to her like that in his mind made him smile widely.

"You look perfect, Mr. Bond." She said and pulled away, throwing herself on the bed with her arms wide, bouncing a little as she hit the mattress "As for my cousin, no. I haven't called her and I have no intention of doing so. The last thing I need now is for a mosquito cleverly disguised as a Snow Leopard to drink all our good wine."

"Again, who's coming if not her?" Michael asked and lay down beside her, running one of his talons over the light grey of her exposed stomach. "Stop it, you goof. You've had more than one chance to feel me up today" she said through a barrage of ticklish snorts and laughed like a schoolgirl, Michael's smile growing only wider "Just our next-door and a surprise guest."

"Oh lord, it's not a stripper, is it?" Michael said, prompting liz to sit up and raise an eyebrow at him suspiciously "What? It was my sweet sixteen and I was totally wasted."

"Seriously? Oh my life." She blurted out and laughed, rolling over and falling on his chest, his shirt getting crumpled all over again "You'll never convince me that a square like you actually saw a naked woman before me."

"Well, you better believe it. I was quite the playboy, you know." He said in a tone of voice that vaguely reminded Liz of Charlie Sheen "Those sweet honeys were all but fighting over me when this sweet bod was at it's peak."

Liz doubled over from laughter, pounding the mattress with one of her paws as tears rolled down her cheeks. God damn, she loved him. He embraced her and showered her with tiny kisses, her paws trying their best to repel them as he cooed.

"You're adorable when you're in stitches, Liz."

***

At half-past six, everything was ready. All that was needed now were the guests. All two of them. Liz and Michael crept downstairs an hour ago, trying their best to look as if they hadn't spent the whole day in a variety of compromising positions. The couple found North on his knees by a shelf in the living room, trying his best to get the stereo working. A red-haired coyote that Michael had never seen before sat on the couch with her legs crossed, a cocktail dress falling over her knees. But he clearly saw the expression of discomfort that appeared on Liz's face. She glared from behind her glasses. North got up and sat on his knees, looking over the duo that just descended down the stairs. Michael was his usual formal self, the word 'casual' not in his dictionary. Liz wore a dress and blouse that seemed to fit her a lot better than her working clothes. With a few swift pats he shook the dust from his trousers and extended his arm towards the woman on the couch.

"Michael, meet Sarah, our next-door neighbour." he said and stood up, opening the door to the balcony with one swift pull "And this is our balcony. We weren't informed that we even had one. Apparently Sarah here has been using it since Liz all but barricaded it."

"Hi Michael." Sarah said and got up, waltzing over to the kitchen and grabbing a half-empty wine glass that materialized on the worktop "And yes, hi to you too, Liz."

"So, if it isn't little miss precious from next door." Liz replied in a tone that was positively seeped in mockery "Did you manage to dislodge that stick from your ass yet or is a skilled set of surgeons still trying to cement their place in medical history?"

"Whoa." Michael said, both terrified and impressed with the comeback "You two know each other?".

"Of course we do. She's been a blight on this building ever since I moved in." Liz said nonchalantly and sauntered over to the kitchen, standing beside the coyote, airily pouring herself a glass of wine. North swiftly moved to Sarah's side, strategically positioning himself between the two neighbours. "Holy shit Liz, did she kill your dog with a shovel or something?" North asked, his visible eye fully open and a little bloodshot.

"Weren't you supposed to be on kitchen duty, Zombie?" She asked and shot a look at him that said 'back off before I make you'. North stepped aside and opened the fridge. He pretended to be picking out ingredients but his left ear stood to attention. Sarah eyed Liz with contempt and she reciprocated in equal measure. Michael paced over to Liz and tried his best to stick his chest out diplomatically.

"Can you two move a little? I need to prepare the food." North asked and pushed his way between the two with a pack of steaks in his paws "If you're gonna kill each other, do it outside. I cleaned the sofa this morning." Liz stepped out of his way and dragged Michael with her as they made their way to the living room, the expression of distaste on her face anything but mild in nature.

"In vino veritas" Sarah muttered and drank the wine bottoms-up, slamming the empty glass down on the counter. What the fuck did she get herself into?