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The Joy of Giving Written by grrside As commissioned by anonymous

CHAPTER ONE

Tonight, Shawn would lose his virginity. Okay, he had to resort to put an ad in a dating website, so what? After spending all his teenage years in the closet living in a house with an homophobic family, he was finally living in his own apartment. He hadn't wasted all those years browsing gay porn in his computer behind his parents' back to take things slow now...All those endless nights wanking to static images of gay bears making out were about to end. Tonight, he'll have his own manly bear all for him. He was so anxious! He was going to arrive any minute now!...

There was just one problem though...Even though the bear had sent him lots of photos of him posing nude, Shawn had only sent shots of the upper part of his body. He was scared that if he showed him his puny dicklett, the bear would laugh at him and reject him. He was glad he hadn't asked for photos of his cock before accepting his offer to stay the night at his house, but now this meant he would have to reveal his dick to him face-to-face...What if the bear burst out laughing if Shawn said that he wanted to be the one on "top" after seeing his pathetic prick?

But maybe his dick wasn't so small after all. He read that porn tends to give a false impression of the size of the average penis... "I'm sure that it is below average...I can barely reach three inches when erect..." No! He couldn't be so pessimistic! And he surely has measured it wrong!...Probably. Sitting on the sofa, he opened his fly and pulled out his uncut dicklett. "I'm so nervous that it looks like it's even smaller now..." He really needed some words of encouragement right now, if he could ask some helpful, anonymous person for an opinion...Maybe someone on the internet...But he didn't really want to upload his dick to the internet for everyone to see...But while Googling for sexual advice on his phone, he saw a strange ad for a website. "www.generousbastards.com Feeling like your life can't get any worse? Need someone to talk to? Maybe you're having financial trouble? Maybe you want to know why your girl is so mad at you? Whatever your wish, we can help you get rid of your problems! We'll take care of everything! Why? Because we're all a bunch of Generous Bastards! We value your privacy above all. No need to register. Just write or send a photo of what's bugging you in that big-ass blank space and we'll GET RID OF IT!" It looked like a joke website, but he had to admit that it looked like a fun idea. Like one of those suicide hotlines, but for everyday problems and without all the drama. Maybe he could get a quick laugh off it. He tapped on the link. It was a quite simple web page. It looked like it had taken a few design tips from the Google homepage, mostly a blank page with a big rectangle to type in. "Write or just attach a photograph of your problem in the space below, and the moment you click the big red "DEAL WITH IT YOURSELF, BASTARD!" button one of our Generous Bastards will deal with the problem for you!" Shawn jerked his dick until its small head peeked out from its foreskin, snapped a pic of his unimpressive erection with his mobile phone's camera, attached it to the blank space and wrote "What do you think? Would you be willing to take it up your ass?" as he giggled to himself. He pressed the big red button and... "Your request has been sent. Please be patient while we find someone to take care of your problem. In the meantime, take a look at all these incredible offers sponsored by our partners!" said a text dialog while the page filled up with Viagra ads. "Should have guessed it was just another spam site...What a waste of time...", Shawn said to himself in disappointment as he zipped up his fly. "I already knew they were bastards, but they aren't generous at all!" he said jokingly to nobody. But then the ads disappeared and another text dialog showed up. "A generous soul has replied to your inquiry!" What looked like an email message appeared on his phone screen. Weird, the site sent an email? It's not a live chat?

"From: James To: fKvsiPfmAJd3SK@[unknown].com

RE:What do you think? Would you be willi...

Well, with a prick like that, I don't think I'll even be able to feel anything. So no, I don't want to take your cock, in fact, you look like you'd be jumping with joy if I let you borrow mine.

But now, seriously, even if you somehow masked your email address I perfectly know it's you, Charles. For fuck's sake, you know that I'm going back home aboard the train at this hour. Stop sending me random dick pictures from the internet, someone could take the wrong idea! Even when I'm out of the office, I'm still your superior you know. I'll have some serious talk with you at the office tomorrow... And don't even think about calling in sick! I'm not going to go easy on you just because you're a trainee!

-James"

...Okay, that sure was awkward. Did the website just send his dick picture to some random email address? *Ding, Dong!* Damn! With all this weird website's crap, he completely forgot about his "date"! Shawn put his phone away, took a quick look at his hair on the mirror to make sure he was presentable, and opened the door. His "date" wanted to surprise him, so, before he rang the bell he had stripped down to just his leather outfit, his harness emphasizing his muscular and hairy pecs. When the door was opened, the bear patted his beer belly which Shawn had complimented so much when they exchanged photos, and said: "Ready for a night you'll never forget, Shawn?" ... Shawn didn't seem too impressed. "Why the hell are you dressed like that?", Shawn said with disgust. "You don't like leather? It was on your list of "likes" on the website..." "Yeah, I did...I put that on the website..But, now that I've seen it up close for the first time...It's kinda gross. I can practically see all of your body hair...And...God...When was the last time you shaved? Do you think you can go on a date like that?" The bear was stupefied. Shawn must be joking. "Actually I don't know why did I agree for you to come over...Seriously, you're so freaking overweight!" "But...But...You said that you liked my body!" "Yes, I did...And I have no idea why. I guess I must have been drunk or something, why the hell did I even sign up on a gay dating website? Seriously, go away, I don't want everyone in the flat to think that I'm a faggot." And Shawn closed the door. The bear, feeling naked in the doorway, recollected his clothes. "This is the last time I ever try dating online...", he said to himself as he walked away, ashamed and disappointed.

Shawn was very horny, but why did he invite a fag over? He wasn't so desperate. He searched the drawer where he kept all his pervy magazines, but they all featured burly men in the covers! Why did he buy them? Whatever. He just turned on his computer and Googled some big-breasted amateur girls getting fucked. He whipped out his 7.5" inch cock, and began whacking off with his entire fist. Oh...If felt so good, why hadn't he tried to masturbate like this before? Damn, he didn't even remember why he had only been using two fingers to massage his cock until now. He fapped like a madman...Damn, it felt so awesome, he didn't have time to react before he spurted a large quantity of cum all over his computer screen. He looked at his cock with pride, it may not be porn-star sized, but he felt confident he was better endowed than most...Why had he been feeling so inadequate until now? He could get any girl he wanted, he had a lot of friends with whom he could be his true self and his family had always been proud of him. He didn't know why, but he felt like a big weight had just been lifted from his shoulders...

He didn't have anything to worry about. Everything was perfect. A pop-up appeared on his phone. "Thanks for visiting our website! Don't forget to spread the word around! We'll automatically send a referral link to everyone in your contact list so they can also share all of their problems to the same email address that just helped you get rid of yours...To the generous bastard known as "James"..."

CHAPTER TWO

That damned Charles! He was the young trainee working alongside James at the office and, most probably because of his resentment towards all his actual cash-earning co-workers, he always acted like an annoying brat. Just this morning for example, James left the computer at his desk unattended for just five minutes and when he came back Charles had opened a porn site with it, knowing full well that all the office's computers' web history are tracked by the company. It was so embarrassing when James' boss asked him why had been surfing those indecent sites while on work hours. "It wasn't me! It was Charles! I had left my desk for just for a few minutes when..." "You left your desk? And what did require so much attention as to make you leave it on office hours?" His boss looked at him with eyes that said "And no, "I had to go to the bathroom" is not a valid excuse." And now Charles was pulling pranks on him even beyond office hours! James had already blocked Charles' email address but that didn't seem to work, as Charles had just sent him a photo of an (quite unimpressive, actually) erect male organ through a fake email address. Even worse, he had been sent that obscene photo while he was aboard the train returning from work. He had been lucky nobody had seen his phone's screen, or the other passengers would have thought he was a pervert. Furious, he wrote a reply to that dirty email that would scare that brat off, and tapped "Send". "That'll show him." Almost instantaneously, he received a second email from the same address...

"From: fKvsiPfmAJd3SK@[unknown].com To: James

RE: RE:What do you think? Would you be willi...

We appreciate your help! Our client's demand will be satisfied shortly thanks to your generosity. You'll receive your transfer in just a few minutes. In the meantime, be sure to check out the great offers our partners have to offer just for you!

This message is an automatic response. Please do NOT reply to this email. www.generousbastards.com"

Great, now his email address had been given away to an spambot. He shouldn't have written that reply..."Transfer"? James hoped his bank account details were safe. He'd had to make sure to change all of his passwords when he got home... He switched off his phone's screen. The wagon was practically empty, just a sleepy-eyed elderly passenger or two sitting on the bench in front of him. James was sitting on an identical bench, and damn, it sure was uncomfortable. He wished his driving license hadn't been revoked. He tried to make himself more comfortable by moving his butt a little bit with no success. But as he did so, he felt a pulling sensation on his groin. "That's strange, I went to the bathroom just before boarding the train..." He crossed his legs, surprised by that strange tingling sensation. He felt goosebumps on his crotch, as if he had placed his manhood on the screen of an old analog television set full of static electricity.

"James' penis is 7.5 inches long on its erected state. It's not porn-star sized, but he's better endowed than the average and he can satisfy any girl he would want. Circumcised at birth. Average-sized testicles. Right testicle hangs slightly lower than the left testicle." These vital pieces of information were retrieved by a piece of software that had been installed on James' phone when he replied to the email. This malicious program used its illegitimate access to the reception of WiFi and Bluetooth signals of James' phone in order to scan its surroundings. A piece of software that could create a more accurate recreation of a subject than an X-Ray scan just by using a combination of these two signals could only have been programmed by a computer genius. This impressively accurate description of James' genitals was then uploaded by Peer-2-Peer communication into Shawn's phone.

James really wanted to inspect his penis, he felt like they were being closely observed by an invisible entity, but when he caught a quick glance of the sleepy-eyed old man sitting in front of him he realized he had to contain himself. He just crossed his legs a little bit tighter.

The piece of software decompiled the photograph depicting Shawn's erect penis and began to overwrite it with James' scanned data. As it did, it also replaced James' data with Shawn's as, obviously, the same piece of information can't belong on two different bodies at the same time.

Okay, the strange sensation on his penis was becoming worrisome. It felt like his penis wanted to retract into his body, and it couldn't be the temperature, as the train wasn't even equipped with an AC. That was enough, maybe there was bathroom in one of the other wagons. He left his seat and headed to the... "Oh...FUCK!" James cried out in pain, his hands cupping his crotch as he felt an intense pain for a split second.

The software had just finished switching their testicles.

"Something the matter?" said the surprised old man. "...Uh...No...It was just...A cramp...On my legs...From being seated for so long..." He lied as he unsucessfully tried to contain his pain. It had been just for half-a-second, but he had felt like someone had grabbed him by the balls and squeezed hard, which wasn't surprising considering the insides of his scrotum had been vandalized.. He headed to the bathroom. The bathroom turned out to be three wagons away, but fortunately he didn't feel any more pain in his testicles. In fact, he had put on some briefs one size too small this morning, but he felt very light and loose inside them now. Maybe they had expanded by his use or something. When he arrived to the little stall, he didn't feel anything weird down there any more. False alarm. Thank god! Well, he may as well piss now that he's there. He unzipped his jeans absent-mindedly and the stream of urine started raining down. He felt his jeans becoming wet...Oh, damn! He had missed the bowl and now his jeans were soaked! This hadn't happened in years! How embarrassing...He stepped back...He'll just try to dry them off with some toilet paper, thought James as he zipped up his fly... "YAAAAAARGH!!!" Having your foreskin getting caught up in the zipper of your fly is one of the most painful accidents that can happen to you, every uncircumcised man knows that. The problem is, James had been cut all his life. So how...? After a painful struggle, he liberated his cock from the fierce teeth.of the zipper. He was shocked when he saw his new dick for the first time... "Oh, God! My dickhead has fallen off!" As he inspected the much shorter cock, he found out his dickhead was still there, but tucked inside his foreskin. He pulled his 'skin back, the contact with the outside air making his now much more sensible glans twitch. "How the fuck has my foreskin growed back? Is that supposed to happen?" His cock was very aroused with the attention it was receiving, and erected proudly to its full size. Its "full size" was barely three inches long. "WHAT...THE...HELL...?" That wasn't his cock! He had never seen it like that in his life...Although, he DID saw that cock not too long ago...It was identical to the photo of the small erect prick he had seen on his phone promptly mocked...It was completely crazy, but he had to make sure. He whipped out his phone and opened the email with the photograph again. It was the same email he had already marked as read half-an-hour ago, but something was different. The photo was taken from the same sofa, from the same angle, with the exact same pose, but, instead of a tiny dick, the man's cock now mockingly stood at attention at 7.5 inches long. And how did he figure out its size with so much confidence? Easy, he had measured it lots of times; the penis featured in the email was the same manhood that had been dangling on his crotch all his life...Until now. "W-What's my cock doing in there...?!"

The Joy of Giving Written by grrside As commissioned by anonymous

<14176110, 14163230, 14194256>

CHAPTER THREE

The walk back home was dreadful. Every single time James made eye contact with anyone on the street they smiled back at him with courtesy, but it felt as if they were able to see through his jeans and were actually laughing at his ridiculous predicament. How the hell that had been possible? HIs cock had been switched with the one in the photograph, for fuck's sake! He couldn't find any other explanation, so it had to be "magic"...But "magic" doesn't exist! The photo could have easily been just a prank but that doesn't explain how his penis got robbed! And even if it all turned out to be just shrinkage there's also the fact that his foreskin has regrown...

After pondering about this all the way home, he finally arrived to the flat where he lived. He entered the elevator and pressed the button to get to the loft but, just when the doors of the elevator were about to close, a strong arm appeared between them, forcing them to automatically open once again. "Puff...Hehe, that was a close one!" The strong and quite hairy arm belonged to one of his neighbours, although James had never seen him before. Judging by the construction worker uniform he was wearing James guessed that he was a,,,Well, a blue-collar construction worker. Like James this man had just returned from work, but rather than spending all the day in an air conditioned office this man had been pulling heavy weights in the hot sun. God, this guy was sweating like a pig and irradiating an awful smell, and he was about to ride the elevator alongside him! James had no choice but to step back as the big man entered the elevator and James swore that he had felt the elevator fall down a few inches when the stinky man did so. "You live here?" the man asked as the doors closed. "Well, yes I..." "I'm Rodney" the man impolitely interrupted, "but you can call me Rod, I just moved to the fourth floor...Damn, why doesn't this elevator have AC installed on it? I'm getting fucking roasted!" Said the man as his excretion of bodily fluids increased exponentially. To James' horror, this disgusting blue-collar worker removed his fluorescent security jacket and his shirt and began rinse off the sweat on his face and his body fat on it.. "And what's your name, boy?" "I'm James and..." The hairy man dried off the hidden pieces of flesh that were hidden below his manboobs, "Nice to meet ya, James. I hope you're enjoying the show, haha." said the man referring to his exhibition of partial nudity sarcastically. This horrific scene was fucking disgusting, but James couldn't take his eyes off the hairy and manly chest. "Just like when you can't help but stare at an horrible car accident", thought James to himself. Then James felt something on his crotch. "Crap! Don't tell me it's changing again!" But his cock didn't suffer any more inexplicable changes. Well, it DID change. James' soft little nub became a rock hard three-incher, but there's nothing inexplicable or unnatural about an erection. "What the fuck?! Not now!" For better or for worse, James' rock hard erection didn't even produce any noticeable bulge inside his pants. "The hell is wrong with my dick today?!" There are certain unexpected side effects that may occur when exchanging body parts with a stranger. Shawn was a strictly homosexual man and as such, his genitals only showed signs of arousal when faced with a man, specifically hairy and manly men in Shawn's case. If someone or something where to inexplicably take Shawn's genitalia and place it on another person's body instantaneously, its natural reflexes would still be the ones of the original owner's. Even though James' brain was still completely straight and found the scene disgusting, Shawn's penis will still expect to be jerked violently by his owner at that instant, so it did what it thought what was expected from it to do and promptly produced its pathetic attempt of an erection. James breathed a sigh of relief when Rodney said "Fourth floor, this is where I get off. Nice to meet ya, James" and got out of the elevator, leaving James alone with his boner. When the doors closed, James felt the urge to give it a felt strokes, but when a pretty young woman got up on the elevator at the next floor his cock went completely limp.

The over one hundred gigabytes of porn stored on James' computer now felt worryingly unsatisfying. James' brain thought that the women looked hot, but his cock couldn't help but wonder why the cameramen couldn't get a better close-up of the guy fucking her. "My penis getting shrunk and uncut, my penis only reacting to gay porn...All in the same day...These events have to be related somehow to the email I received...But it's still hard to believe that my cock got stolen over the internet..." It all made his head hurt. He gave up on his futile masturbation session and went to his "gym room" to work out instead, maybe the exercise would help him relax. He changed into more comfortable clothes and began lifting some weights...

The screen on James' phone lit up, but James had left it on the dining table while he was exercising, so he couldn't read that it said...

"From: ifDkogFSkmfjs6e@[unknown].com To: James

I'm not very sure I understood what that email you sent me said, but, here's the deal anyway. Look at the attached file. No, that's not a pink Swiss ball, that's my belly. I'm sick of everyone joking around about my so-called "beer gut" when I don't even drink beer or eat fast food. I exercise daily but it just keeps getting bigger everyday! I paid a fortune to dietists and personal coaches but it was all just a waste of money. If you can really get rid of anyone's problems as your ad said, then you can take all my body fat, I don't want to deal with it anymore!"

Damn, the weight-lifting felt great, but the sit-ups he made afterwards really made him work out a sweat...Now it's the perfect time to have a relaxing bath. In the bathroom, James got rid of his clothes while the water flowed into the bathtub. When the bath was ready, and James sat down into the hot water...Weird, he swore the bath looked smaller. He felt quite uncomfortable...Oh! That's it! He's finally bulking up! All those hours locked up in his personal gym room weren't such a waste after all! At long last, an unexpected change today that isn't paranormal or humiliating in anyway. He even felt his penis becoming fatter under the hot water, maybe it was just shrinkage after all! In fact, all of his thigh felt fatter! And his arms, and his legs, and his stomach... Wait...That doesn't sound right... Alone in the living room, James' phone lit up once again, showing another important message that nobody would be able to read...

"From: ioJIhyuf8dsif@[unknown].com To: James

LOL! Seriously?! You can get rid of everything that annoys me? Then get rid of my manboobs XP Here's a photo of them. Yes, I have gynecosmastia...Or just really fat boobs or whatever XD The other guys at high school are constantly teasing me about them. They twist my nipples very hard and I told them to stop but then they say "Hey, we're both guys, so it's okay...Unless you want to admit that you're a gurl" and then I say to them that "No I'm not a girl! D:" But then they say "then it's okay" and twist even harder and I yell at them but they don't stop >.< I guess it's not so bad though, I'm quite slim so the girls say I'm cute, not like that loser Robin that's also in my class and he's SOO Faaat :D roflmao Soooooo what do you think I should do? Are there like, exercises or meds or something to make my boobs smaller? How does this thing work anyway? Anyways I expect your replies very soon, generous bastard! (hey, that's your nickname, I'm not actually insulting you XDDD)"

Okay, so the bulking up thing turned out to be yet another weird change. He had become obese...After working out! Worst of all, he realized that with the expansion of fat on his arms and torso he had become stuck! He struggled in the bathtub, causing his new body fat to jiggle in an humorous manner, to no avail. As he observed almost in an hypnotized state the movement of his own body mass, he noticed his chest hair had grown back. Weird, he shaved his body hair regularly, and he swore he didn't have his chest hair that long a few minutes ago...Or ever for that matter, as his chest hair was even spreading over his nipples and over his back, and he had never thought of himself as a hirsute man, exactly. "At least I DO look bulkier and stronger now...", he thought. ...But that thought was short-lived, as to his horror his plain chest began to develop flabby body fat on his hairy nipples, making him feel officially obese. His nipples spread out, pointing straight into the air, becoming big and sensitive. He tried to touch one of them with one of his trapped hands, and the sensation he felt when he caressed them was very sensual. In fact his short dick tried to get erect again, but it was an impossible task as it was trapped between James' fat, meaty thighs.

Most of the water had splashed out from the bathroom, the bath now clogged with a morbid amount body fat. James struggled in the now too small bathtub but it was no use, the only thing he achieved was to throw all the bottles of slippery shower gel on top of him. But this little accident gave him an idea: he poured the contents of all the shower gel bottles all over his massive body. His lubricated fat was much easier to move around and with a big push, James managed to stand up from his prison.

He had to use two towels to be able to dry off his whole body and he couldn't stop staring incredulously at his huge form in the mirror during the process. It had to be that email again, he was sure. Wrapping himself with a towel he went to the living room and unsurprisingly its green notification light was blinking. He had received two emails since he last checked. The most recent one was apparently written by a teenage boy judging by the horrendous grammar and the typical bare-chested photograph attached to show off his pecs...Damn, that kid had to work out very hard, those pecs look like they were taken straight out of a bodybuilder. Before he even realized it, he was once again sporting his underwhelming boner. "You're acting funny again?" But seriously, the muscled, slightly tanned pecs looked out of place on his skinny and pale body. Looking at them James had a déjà-vu: those were his pecs! One of his body parts had been robbed once again! The other email would surely have something to do with his new weight... He checked it out and he wasn't wrong in his assumption: It showed a photo of a flat belly, and the rest of the body was almost hairless. But why did this happen? He hadn't replied to the emails this time. Did that mean he would swap body parts no matter what he did? How could he opt-out of this thing?...Maybe if he blocked the address...No, that wouldn't work, the emails' addresses were masked...Or he could delete his email address altogether...But the emails were sent to his business' email address, he would have to contact the IT department to be able to change it...Arrgh! He couldn't show up like this at work! How could he explain all the weight he had gained in just one afternoon? They'll think he's an imposter! Oh...He wished he never had to set foot in the office again. He felt so dizzy and confused because of all these changes (or maybe it was just the workout) he just wanted to plop himself on the bad and sleep, hoping that by the next morning all the events of that day will turn out to be just a bad dream. James went to his bedroom and threw the towel away. He opened his wardrobe and he was greeted by the sight of his same old clothes, which was a completely natural occurrence. But this was unfortunate, because now none of his old clothes were going to fit him. James just groaned in annoyance and jumped into bed stark naked. "This is just a bad dream...When I wake up, I'll be my regular old self, with my fit body and my completely heterosexual seven inch dick between my legs..."

CHAPTER FOUR

A squashed erect phallus arose from between the mounds of fat that now constituted James' thighs. That little bugger had been messing with his dreams all night long, giving him what a gay man would consider the most erotic wet dreams but to James were the most horrible nightmares. The fat man's meaty hand smashed the noisy alarm clock's button to stop the incessant beeping as he struggled to get up. He wasn't thrilled to find his fat moobs staring back at him when he lifted the covers. His mobile phone's notification light was blinking once again, but he felt exactly the same as yesterday night...Maybe it's just regular spam this time. A prudent person would have checked his phone for more strange emails right away, but James' small morning wood was more urgent to him. He strolled with his hairy ass bare towards the bathroom, but someone started pounding his front door. "Damn!...Give me five minutes, geez...!" Who could it be this early in the morning? Whatever. James had to stare at his hairy gut as he emptied his bladder's contents, barely missing the bowl, and then went back to the bedroom. He opened the wardrobe's clothes, prepared to be disappointed by all the clothing that would no longer fit him, but something was different. His suit was missing. In its place, there were an orange-colored fluorescent jacket, a tight white shirt, and an oversized pair of jeans. The bright jacket seemed out of place, but the shirt and the jeans seemed to fit his huge frame, so he put them on to cover up his shameful body. Before going into the hallway to open the door to the stranger, he took a quick glance on his phone...

"From: iroghw48y@[unknown].com To: James

I'm sick of having to wear this day after day...I'm so fed up..."

A photo of the old suit James used to wear to work was attached. At least this time the only thing that got swapped were clothes, not body parts. And it turned out to be very convenient: even though the suit was much more expensive than that plain white shirt, now he wouldn't have to answer the door naked! The unending pounding sounds were growing more impatient. James hurried towards the front door and opened it to find out that it was the the burly construction worker from yesterday, Rodney. James was about to ask him why had he come to visit this early, when he said: "Holy fuck, James! You got me here waiting forever and you're not even dressed for work yet?!" "Well, that's because my suit got kind of...Lost. Besides, it didn't fit on my body anymore. I've gained, uh...A "few" pounds since then." Rodney broke out in a hearty laughter. "You sure are funny, James! You're as fit as ever!" "Uh?! Really?" James said looking down with hope at his own belly. "Or...As unfit as ever!" Rodney snickered some more while patting James' belly through his shirt. Did he already forget that James wasn't nearly as obese yesterday? Hell, he was even fatter than Rodney right now! "But seriously...Why are you here?" "You forgot?! It was only yesterday!...Don't you remember our conversation on the elevator?" James tried to reminisce about their conversation, but didn't remember anything other than Rodney showing off his nasty bare torso. "By that look in your eyes, I guess not..." Rodney gave out a sigh. "I offered to give you a ride to work while you try to get your car license back, and you accepted gladly." "Oh, right...I remember now!" Lied James. He didn't remember having such a conversation yesterday. Why would this complete stranger offer himself to do such a thing, anyway? James was so busy pondering about this that he didn't notice Rodney going into his bedroom and searching through his clothes. ""Kind of lost", my ass! It was right there in your wardrobe!" "Seriously, you found my...?" But Rodney hadn't found his suit, he was just carrying that ugly bright-colored jacket. "You can put it on inside the elevator. C'mon, hurry up, we're both going to be late!" James just played along. At least he wouldn't have to waste more money on train tickets this way. As they rode the elevator, James realized he had left his cellphone on his bedside table. "Somethin' the matter?", asked Rodney. "Oh, it's nothing." James said as he put on that ugly work uniform. "Won't I stand out in the office, dressing like this?", he thought. The elevator arrived to their destination, the underground garage, and when they got to Rodney's car, he didn't miss out on his opportunity to brag about his ride. "Ain't she a beauty?" "A Hummer...Rodney's taste is...Unsurprising."

The Hummer roared over the busy streets, Rodney getting drunk with his own testosterone. "Woohoo! When I'm riding this whore, I feel like the manliest man alive. Don't you feel the same way, James?" "Err...Leaving that aside, you just took the wrong turn..." "Haha, no way. I know a shortcut!" "But we're heading towards the completely opposite direction to the office..." *VROOOOOM* "Woah! We almost crashed with that bike! You're driving way too fast!" "No bullshittin'. When you're running late, speed limits can suck it!" James didn't dare to look as the Hummer was on the verge on colliding with every single vehicle, man, or dog that crossed its path. After a few forceful turns James was completely dizzy, but then the roller coaster abruptly ended. "See? I told you this was a shortcut." James was so thankful to get out of the inside of that beast that he almost kissed the ground. But something was wrong. They had arrived to an office building alright. But this wasn't where James worked...In fact, this building wasn't even completely built yet! Rodney got out of the Hummer and hurried into the construction site. "Hey! Wait!", shouted James as he went with him. Rodney took out a card from his jacket's pocket and inserted it into an electronic card reader, which bleeped. "C'mon James! There's only two minutes left! Insert your card, pronto!" "Uh? What card?" Rodney facepalmed. "You sure woke up like a knucklehead today. Didn't you get enough sleep today or what? You always keep it on your jacket." James searched his jacket's pockets and sure enough, his work card was there. "The one on the photo is me alright, but why does it say that I work at a construction company?" "Ehm...Earth to James? You have been working on this company for five years now. You still don't know how those card readers work?" Five years? But James had spent the last five years working at the office...Unless... "Oh, crap, we didn't just switch uniforms, we also switched business cards and therefore our jobs!" James wanted to cry. He had been robbed of his body, his sexual orientation and now of his career! Five years working hard at the office to get that promotion, and now...He's just an ordinary blue-collar worker?! "Well, at least I got rid of Charles..." "Oh, would you look at that! If it isn't my good old friend James! Just a minute short of being late as always!", said a beefed-up version of Charles. "...Fuck."

***

Apparently all of James' co-workers had switched jobs, too! But unlike James, they seemed to have no recollection of ever working anywhere else. Their bodies had also changed, they were all much more muscular as if they had been lifting heavy weights for years, which seemed to match the new reality. They also now had the manners fit for burly construction workers...In other words, none at all. None of them shaved or used deodorant no more. Worst of all, now that James was an unfit fatso his chances for a promotion were now far, far away. His humungous mounds of fat didn't let him walk in a straight line without getting tired, much less carry around a heavy cart full of bricks without clumsily dropping all of them into the floor. "Hey, watch it! You fat slob!", said the now much more manly Charles, as the falling pile of bricks almost made him spill his can of beer. Okay, James may be a fat bastard now...But a slob? "Said the sweaty brawn-for-brains...", mumbled James to himself. "C'! The fat dude just called us "shitty bastards"!" "Is that so...?" said Charles as his fist crushed the can of beer. "That's not true!...I actually said..." Well, even if they hadn't heard wrong, it wouldn't have changed his situation much. Charles moved his muscles towards the obese James while pointing to his crushed can of beer. "Look what you've done! I was still itching for a drink!" "But you crushed it yourself!" James protested, but logic wouldn't save him from this one. He relented a bit, but the there was a wall behind his back. Charles clenched his fist and James cowardly closed his eyes, but the fist just hit the wall, making a strong sound, barely missing James' face by a few inches. Then James heard laughs. He opened his eyes, and found the rest of his coworkers mocking his face of terror. "Well, that was very funny. Now, if you excuse me, I have to pick up all those bricks and put them into the..." But James felt himself going up into the air. Charles had grabbed him by the neck of his ugly jacket! He had to be really strong to be able to lift such a heavy weight! Charles grinned. "You still me owe me a drink, fat cow." "W-what...? S-sure, I'll grab my wallet and..." And then one of Charles' friends grabbed James' shirt and lifted it up, exposing James' hairy man-udders to the rest of the crew. "What do you think, guys? Don't they look swollen?" He said taking hold of one enormous hairy breast and pinching its nipple, which to James' horror began to get harder and longer. "A-Aaargh, uff!" groaned James as the sensitive body part was stimulated. Charles laughed at James' involuntary reactions "Oh, I think the cow is pleading to be milked!" "No! This is wrong! You're practically violating me!" "Oh, c'mon. We're all guys here! There's nothing wrong about exposing a man's "pectorals"...Unless you're ready to admit that your breast should be as private as a woman's..." "No! I'm not a girl!" "Then there's nothing wrong about this!" Said Charles as his bearded mouth engulfed the flabby moob and began to suck. The way he was being bullied all seemed ripped straight out from a nightmare! But now that James thought about it, the whole scene kind of reminded him of something, like he had already read about it somewhere before... "Look, his clit is wet!" Said Charles' friend pointing to the stain on James' crotch. Damn, not again that damned useless cock... "Okay, you guys! That's enough!" Who had said that? "Fuck...That damn Rod guy again. Whatever, the cow's already dry, go cry to your husband", said Charles as he dropped the abused James into the floor. The rest of the work crew sensed the fun was over and returned to their tasks. "You okay?" Asked Rodney. "I've never felt so vulnerable in my life..." Said James as he tried to cover up his monstrous hairy gut with his shirt, but realized it had been ripped while he was struggling to not be sucked off. "But, how were you capable of stopping Charles in his tracks so easily?" "We all have our own secrets..." Said Rodney with a mysterious grin. "...And also, he owes me two hundred bucks."

***

Thankfully the ride back home wasn't as bumpy, although a few cats had been traumatized for life when the monstrous Hummer raced through just a few inches away from their whiskers. James thanked Rodney for the ride (and for saving him from Charles) as the strong man left the elevator. The elevator resumed its journey, and as James scratched the back of his head, unbeknown to him a few strings of hair fell down to the floor. When James was once again in the comfort of his bedroom, he just had one thing in mind: recovering his old body. And there was just one way to do that. He opened his laptop and entered the generousbastards.com site. A pop-up message appeared on the website before it fully loaded. He had to squint his eyes to be able to read the text...Damn, maybe he needed to buy glasses. But that wasn't important now. The text read:

"Welcome back, James! Unfortunately, donors are unable to use the services offered by our website as stated by our ToS. Fire up your inbox to check out your incoming requests. Thanks for participating in our program. And don't forget to check out these amazing offers brought to you by..."

Wait, what? He had mistakenly signed up for the program with his phone. How did the website know this was James' laptop? His browser is even set to delete all of his cookies at the end of each browsing session...Speaking of his phone, he forgot to bring it to work...Maybe he should check out his inbox, just in case there's more horrible changes coming up... It turns out that, besides the usual message from Charles forwarding him more obscene videos, there was not one, nor two, but THREE messages from generousbastards.com. He skimmed over all of them.

"I want to be young again. Can you make me 37 years younger? I'd love to be a carefree teenager once again..." "I can't pick up chicks with a bald head, can you make my hair grow back? Or better yet, just make me 25 years younger, that would be even better..." "I'm 65 years old and I regret lots of the mistakes I've committed in my life. I wish I could start over, to be reborn with the knowledge of my past mistakes..."

W-WHAT?! That's 127 years he would have to give up on! He wasn't even sure it would be possible to do that! He would die of old age! James' vision suddenly became a bit blurrier while at the same time the sentence "37 years younger" from the first message became "36 years younger". He realized those three messages had already began draining his years away. It would just be a matter of a few hours at most before he became the oldest man on the planet...Who was he joking...He would die! Okay, no need to panic, surely there's something he could do to stop it!... "35 years younger", said the email as it counted down to his inevitable death. The obese man couldn't restrain himself from freaking out. "AARRGGHH!!! I'M GOING TO DIE!!!"

"The fatso from next door must have ran out of donuts again", joked James' neighbour to his wife.

CHAPTER FIVE

"You know I would do anything to help a fellow neighbour in need, James. But could you at least explain why I have to take you on an over 80 mile ride at this time of the night?" Asked Rodney behind the wheel, the Hummer's lights illuminating the highway. "27 years younger", the email now read. James tucked his phone in his pocket with a sigh, and explained "I just figured out where a certain fucker lives, and believe it or not it's a matter of life and death." For being a computer whiz, the webmaster of generousbastards.com hadn't even bothered to mask his domain's information. It was all just a matter of checking a WHOIS database to figure out that the server's location was just three cities away from James' hometown. Of course, it could be a fake address, but when you just have a few hours of life left, you have to cling onto what you can get. "I understand. I once travelled half a country to punch a nerd in the face. He had insulted me on Xbox Live! Turns out he was just a wimpy teenager!" James hoped Rodney was just joking. "And you should get some sleep on the way there, your face is pale and if you don't get some z's, it's going to start sprouting crow's feet!" "25 years younger" When they arrived to their destination, James' seat had been covered by the hairs that used to reside in his head. He hoped Rodney wouldn't notice the dirty seat, Rodney treated the Hummer like it was his own child. "Are you sure this is the place? It looks abandoned.", asked Rodney. "I hope so, or else I don't think I'll be able to survive the journey back home..." James said to himself. "Haha, I don't drive THAT dangerously!" "I wasn't talking about your driving skills! Anyway, I'm going to get inside that house..." James said pointing to the old bungalow. "...You'll stay in the car. If things gets serious I'll send you a text. And if I'm not back in half-an-hour..." "Then I have your permission to whip out my gun from the glove box and shoot the fucker?" James stared wide-eyed at Rodney. "Hey! I was just joking!...Although it's true that I do have a gun in the glove box...Want to see it?" "I don't really think a gun will be necessary...Life isn't a Hollywood movie! Anyway, wish me luck. I'm going in there." The old bungalow sure gave the impression that nobody had lived in there for decades. If the address was a fake, then that was it, James wouldn't live long enough to be able to see the next sunrise. James clumsily walked through the dried leaves. His weight had been just an ugly annoyance until now, but as his years were quickly slipping away, it was causing him back pain. He knocked on the rusty front door. *Knock* *Kno-PLAF!* The door had fallen to the floor. Its hinges must have been rusted by disuse. Another sign that this place was abandoned...But now at least he could investigate inside the old house. The hall gave way to a big living room bare of any sort of furniture. Not promising. But James could heard a faint noise far away. Where was it coming from? He followed the annoying sound. It was growing stronger. It was the most horrible noise James had ever heard. It sounded like a baby demon crying from inside the depths of hell. "Weird, I think I've heard those horrible noises somewhere else..." The noise seemed to come from behind one of the doors...There was a red light coming from below it... "Yes! There's someone living here after all!" James slowly opened the door, and the demonical crying could be clearly heard now. Behind the door were stairs that supposedly led to the basement, but there was a blinding red light that couldn't let James see what was below. "23 years younger" The little hair left on James' was beginning to turn white. "No time to turn back now..." James began his descent into what seemed to be underworld, and when his eyes adjusted to the blinding red light, he saw a demon jumping straight at him. "WAAAAH!" Oh, wait, it was just a poster. Based on a cover art from a death metal band, no less. Oh! That's why the noise sounded familiar! It was a song from one of those horrible bands those emo kids listen to. The basement was decorated with similar props from various bands, all very dark and gory. There was a stand filled with music CDs and vinyls, (some of them even signed! Those were surely worth a lot!) and a glass cage containing... "Yuck!" ...a Black Widow spider. It was happily eating something...Maybe insects...But James was repulsed by the arachnid and looked away. On the far end was the source of the horrible noise, a desktop PC connected to a huge pair of subwoofers. And sitting in front of the PC, was a young man making air guitar moves to the sound of the nightmarish music. He had long black hair, a nose ring, and dark clothes, his shirt with a skeleton flipping his boney middle finger. "Don't tell me this is the guy who caused all this...He doesn't look like a computer genius." James stood near the man, but he was too busing rocking out to notice James. James coughed. No reaction. James poked the man on his back. "YIKESSS!!! The hell?!" The young man struggled to maintain his composure as he paused the music ("Thank god!") and faced the intruder. "Who the fuck are you...?! What are you doing inside my house?!" "Your house? This abandoned hut? You look more like a runaway kid hiding from his parents." "That's not true! Get away from me, fat pig!...Or I'll..." "You'll what?" "I may not look like it, but I...I am capable of stuff you wouldn't ever believe...!" The young man stood up and started rummaging through his desk searching for something. He didn't look very confident of his own threats, he seemed scared and desperate. "21 years younger" Damn! This was no time for chit-chat! His vision was getting blurry and giving him a headache...James had lost the count of his age long ago...James tried to be more comprehensive with the boy. "Look, kid, I didn't intend to scare you. I just wanted to ask you some questions..." The young gothic man finally found what he had been looking for: his mobile phone. "There's no need to call the police..." James began to say, but the boy just opened the browser and entered generousbastards.com. "Welcome back, Webmaster!" flashed the screen. "W-What?! You really are the webmaster from that damned site?!" "Oh, you know the site. Even better. Then you'd be already aware of how powerful I really am. Let me guess, an unsatisfied customer?" said the Webmaster, much more confident now that he had his powerful weapon on the palm of his hand. "B-but how?! How could you develop such a thing?! It has completely destroyed my life! I was young, fit, had a successful career, and a much bigger...Uh...Quality of life!" "It was darn easy. I just did what true geniuses do." "So you really are a computer genius?" "Hell no. Don't compare me to the nerds. Nerds do the shitty job. As a genius, I just reap the benefits. I couldn't even program a shitty Flappy Bird clone. I have absolutely no idea how this software works. But I know how to manipulate people. "Oh, so you're developing a piece of software that can write its code himself? To make the world a better place? Tell me more about it, it's so interesting. What do I have to do to be a tester?", bleh." "So you just stole it?" "Oh, I didn't steal anything. During the testing period, I told the program I wished I was its creator. So technically, I never stole it from anyone. The code is mine and mine alone. The only thing I ever did was register a domain name and link it to the program." "That explains the childish name of the site, and his inability to mask his domain's address..." "So you stole an experimental piece of software, ruined the lives of who knows so many people, and all just to create mischief and win money from Viagra ads?!" This seemed to make the Webmaster angry. ""Just the create mischief"? "Ruining lives"? What makes you think those damn nerds would have had a better use for it? People sacrificing themselves to make others happy! You can't have a more pure and holy goal than that! It's what Jesus wanted to teach us!" "And now religious motives...This guy's megalomaniac tendencies sure escalated quickly." "Don't be mad just because you were dumb enough to reply to one of the messages, *James*. The program is configured to only allow one change to happen per person except if one of them were to show interest in participating." Said the Webmaster while consulting James' data on his phone. "Hey! That data is supposed to be private! Your Terms of Service were misleading!" "Oh, c'mon, James. Is there really such a thing as a Terms of Service agreement that is not misleading at all?...Oh, what's this? Seems like you're currently undergoing another change right now...Umm..." "Yes! And I don't do anything I'll be dead before sunrise!" "Oh! You should have told me about it sooner! I have to do something about it! Seems like this lunatic wasn't as evil as he first seemed... "It's kind of a nasty loophole, isn't it? If you die before all the requested years are taken from you, the customers won't receive them. And that could produce some nasty bugs in the software..." ...Seems like this lunatic really is a psycho. "Thanks for the warning! Although if I left wishes unfulfilled, the customers would be unhappy...I know! I'll send a random donor request to the nearest person so he can provide the missing years for you!" "No! Don't involve any more people in this!" Protested James.

***

James sure was taking his time. Thank god Rodney had some snacks stashed under the car seats! *BEEP!* *BEEP!* "A text! That means James is in danger!" Rodney opened the glove box and retrieved his gun. "I've waited so long for the day I would finally have an excuse to use you, sweetie..." Rodney rushed inside the bungalow...

***

"There! And I'm so sure this..." The Webmaster glanced over his phone screen. "..."Rodney" guy is as dumb as you, he'll even reply to it!" "You bastard! Leave Rodney out of this!" James had enough of this psycho! If he dared to do something to Rodney...! "Hey, I told you to stay away from me, you fat..." *PLAF!* James had tried to grab the Webmaster's phone, but he was so debilitated from the rapid aging, he tripped and fell, squashing the Webmaster into the floor with all his weight. "Let me go, you big ball of fat!...Ugh...My legs..." The Webmaster's phone had fallen to the floor and slipped towards the other side of the room. James stood up and ran towards it to pick it up.

"Welcome back, Webmaster! What would you like to do today? Your orders will be granted!"

There was no time to type a wish manually, but he could try to take a photo...Maybe he could take a photo of the Webmaster to make him the one getting older or something... "Give me that back!" The Webmaster had silently crawled towards James and pulled him by his pant leg, causing him to yell in surprise and drop the phone. When it dropped to the floor, the camera shutter button was triggered, but the only thing that the camera captured was the caged spider.

"Request made by: Webmaster. Text: None. Photo metadata: Species: Black Widow spider. Sex: Male Position: Inside a glass cage. Interpreting approximate request..."

"Don't worry James! Here's the reinforcements!" Cried out Rodney as he climbed down the stairs. What the hell was Rodney doing here? He was supposed to wait in the car! "AHHH!!! A DEMON! Eat dirt, motherfucker!" *BANG* *BANG* *BANG* Rodney sure was stupid...It was just a poster! He was blinded by the quirky illumination of the basement and started shooting in random directions! "Rodney! Stop! You're going to kill us all!" "James! You alright?" "Yes, and for the love of god, lower that gun!" "Oh, haha, sorry about that. But don't you feel like the manliest man alive when you're holding a gun?...Oops, sorry I think one of the bullets hit the fridge!" "Fridge? What fridge?" Rodney pointed to a broken contraption in the corner of the room. The desktop PC flashed a warning message: "Couldn't connect to server." James checked his phone, the age countdown had stopped! "Rodney! You busted the supercomputer hosting the server!" "You mean that fridge was the server? You mean I've just killed the internet?" "No, only one site. And it was a very horribly twisted website anyway..." "Oh, what a shame, twisted websites are my favorite kind of sites...Hey! Who's that guy and where's he running off to?" James turned to see that the Webmaster was quickly crawling up the stairs. Wow, James' weight sure had broken his legs. "Shall I stop him?", asked Rodney with a tight grip on his gun. "No! Nobody is going to kill anyone! Besides, without his "fridge", he's not a threat to mankind." Rodney, put his hand on James' shoulder. "Look, I'm not very sure what happened tonight, but I'm glad whatever grudge you had with that guy is over. Shall we go home?" Now what the software had been destroyed, James no longer had to worry about any more strange changes, so all was good, right? "...No...I'm still a fat, balding, short-dicked homosexual with a shitty job and I'm no longer sure what age am I anymore...My life is crap..." Rodney stared into James' eyes. "James?" "...Yes?" "Have I ever told you I have the hots for daddies?" James blushed immensely, and his small wiener erected harder than it ever had.

EPILOGUE

Rodney woke up first, as usual. He admired James' naked body wrapped around the bed sheets. He looked like a happy little piglet as he slept. Rodney ran his hands over James' hairy chest, his rotund belly and was about to squeeze him hard in the ass when someone called on the front door. "There's always someone ruining the mood..." Rodney put on a pair of pants and went to open the door. "Hello," said a high school student. "I'm the one who answered your online ad, the one about the..." "Yes, yes..." Said a sleepy-eyed Rodney. "Took you long enough. It's in the living room, on the table..." Rodney showed the kid around. There was a wooden box with a few little holes carved on top of it. "But I'm a bit curious, where did you find it?" "Well, its previous owner disappeared without a trace, and we just couldn't leave the poor thing alone..." "Who is it, Rod?" "Just the student who answered the ad, my chubby piglet!" At seeing the kid's uncomfortable expression, Rodney jokingly added: "Hehe, damn, having my boyfriend at home sure makes me feel like the manliest man around! Anyway, want to see it?" Rodney opened the box, and inside it was a male Black Widow spider which at seeing their faces nervously agitated its legs. "Haha, it's a very funny spider, it always does that whatever we show up. It's almost like it wants to tell us something. What is it young fella? Those dead flies not tasty enough for you?" The spider started running around in circles in desperation. "Is it male? My uncle has a female one in his collection, it would be funny to record their mating ritual and upload it on YouTube." The spider almost fainted when it heard that. "We're not sure. We don't really know that much about spiders. In fact, James is always asking me why we the heck we brought this disgusting thing with us. But it was worth it for the 20$." "Actually, I've only got 8$ on me right now..." "Well, that's fine. I think James would be happy if you just take it away from here as soon as possible." "Will do!" said the boy handing over the money and picking up the box. When the boy left and rode the elevator back down, he looked inside the box again and said: "I really hope you're a guy. I'd love to record that video, you'll probably get eaten, but you'll be famous on the net! Hehe. Don't know what the web is? But you're a spider, it has to ring a bell to you!...That was a good one! How about that, from now on you'll be The WEBmaster! Cool, uh?" The boy closed the lid of the wooden box, leaving the Webmaster pondering about his fate trapped in the darkness.

THE END