Internals (Poem)
#4 of Standalone Stories and Poems
Going through... a lot right now. With transitioning, my ex moving out and being transphobic towards me, lack of money, needing my parent's help until I get my job back, but knowing if I tell them or they find out I'll lose all support and never get to see them or my sisters again, and this god-awful, debilitating dysphoria, I needed... I didn't even know what.
But that thing is here, right when they're needed. Feeling hopeful for the first time in awhile. Feeling loved for the first time, ever, because its the first time someone loves ME and the love isn't built on lies about who I am.
My mind is a formless cavern
I wander through it, lost, curious
But through the black, I sense a pattern
And the thoughts press outward, furious
Stress, anxiety, loathing, trepidation
I look upon the shifting axons, nausea
Images and memories vex me, provocation
One word at the forefront: dysphoria
I am not who I am that I should be
I feel an emptiness in me, disconnected
Like my innermost soul is a stranger
When in the mirror my face I see, inspect it
And inside she cries out, freedom, don't change her!
On the outside of this maestrom conflict
The waves of dissonant judgments erode me
Other loves in my life turn away, leave it
And their toxin words burn at resolve, corroding
Then a light whisks it all away...
The fury in my conscious disintegrates
In its place remains the quietest calm
And as I feel the anxious sate, disseminate
I wonder at how this strength has fallen on
Then I feel them, not uncertain, confident
Arms wrapped closely, keeping me fighting
I let their warmth wash over, then hesitent
Begin the battle, resolve return, softly inciting:
"I'll give you love back doubly..."