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[center][i]“I don’t know how to feel things small It’s a tidal wave or nothing at all”[/i] [b]Soccer Mommy, ‘Still’[/b][/center] Jay’s already in the room by the time we arrive at the hotel, so we go on up like we belong there, like we own the place, heads held high, looking down our snouts like housewives of Beverly Hills until we’re alone in the elevator. Then when we laugh and make out until we reach the right floor. At the room, Jay opens the door in nothing but his underwear and ushers us in with a nod, his wildly wagging tail subverting the pretence of nonchalance. It’s real cute, to be honest. Inside, Feather and I strip in front of one another at the foot of the bed. Jay approaches, he’s all muscle and frizzy fur, eyes alert and darting between us like we’re his prey, his boxers tenting at the sight of us topless. “Good date?” he asks, one paw on each of our backs, claws gently running through our fur, over our skin. Fuck, he’s hot. “Very good,” I say. “Here’s to many more,” says Feather. They hold my hips, pull me in, lock muzzles with me again. We trade saliva while Jay watches, growling in a tone so low it’s barely audible. He removes Feather’s bra while we kiss, and when we pull apart he caresses their tits with his left paw and my chubby chest with his right. In his eyes I find hunger. He notices me noticing, wraps his arms around me, decides it’s his turn to taste my tongue. He pushes his deep into my maw, staking his claim on me. I let it happen, submitting utterly, barely even putting up a fight. And then I’m back up for air, removing my pants while Jay makes out with Feather. It’s a beautiful sight. Feather is less of a pushover than me, wrestling with Jay a while before finally submitting. No wonder, I’m undoubtedly the biggest bitch here, in more ways than one. Still, watching my new partner passionately kiss Jay is a strange feeling, but I’m aware I’d be a hypocrite to make anything of it. I may not be quite there with the whole poly thing, but I’m tipsy and more than horny enough to push through it. Soon we’re all naked, paws grabbing at each other’s butts and shafts, licking, kissing and biting one another in a writhing mass that swiftly finds its way to the bed. I barely know who I’m touching or who’s touching me or who’s pre is matting my fur and I couldn’t care less. There’s barely time or need for air. Somehow, at some point, our muzzles meet all at once, our tongues tangling indiscriminately, our mouths wide open converging in a full-on three-way French kiss. By the time we pull apart we’re all too worked up to do anything other than [i]really[/i] get into it. Feather and I end up on our knees with Jay standing above us. The two of us take turns getting a muzzle full of Jay’s cock, then both lap at it simultaneously, our tongues on either side of his shaft, at times making contact. Jay is practically howling with pleasure. We make a game of it, seeing who can draw the best reaction out of the wolf as we fluff him up, getting rewarded with an extra spurt of his pre when we do particularly well. He pulls both of us off of his dick after an especially unfiltered howl. “Fuck, careful. As much as I love your muzzles, I don’t want to blow my load [i]quite[/i] yet.” “Where [i]do[/i] you want to blow that load of yours anyway?” Feather asks. “In one of your butts,” Jay says, smirking. In the heat of the moment, the lust of it, I almost volunteer. Instead, fear holds my tongue. Not on Marty’s account, on mine. On old hangups, on stale trauma, though I can feel all of it falling away. In spite of everything I almost, [i]almost[/i], break the curse. I almost offer myself. [i]Almost[/i]. Feather summons a warm smile, a gentle, swooping wag of their oversized tail. They read my face, or my hesitation. Either way, they look up at Jay. “Need your squirrel’s ass, huh?” Jay grinds his dick between our muzzles. “You know it.” It doesn’t matter what he says, I know he wants me. I know he’d never take me unless I was absolutely sure. Right now I’m maybe eighty percent sure. That’s good—great even!—the best it’s been since that week with Kale, but it’s not one-hundred. I wish it were, but it’s not. Fuck it. “Let’s spitroast the slut,” I say. Jay’s cock twitches, dripping pre across the hotel carpet. “Fuck yeah.” Next thing I know we’ve got a squirrel between us. Feather’s on all fours on the bed, facing me, with Jay behind them. “Hey, Ash,” they say, staring into my eyes as my dick travels the length of their snout. “This doesn’t mean you’re not my puppy plaything.” “Oh, sure, of course. You’re taking two dicks in a [i]dommy[/i] way. “[i]Exactly[/i]. So be a good boy and fuck my throat real good, okay?” I run my tip along their lips, their tongue follows in its wake. “Easiest deal I’ve ever made.” “Ready, honey?” Jay asks, setting the lube down beside him. The words strike a strange chord in me, like one conjured by a made-up instrument. My lover is his lover is my lover too… “Don’t hold back,” Feather commands. I obey, discordance be damned. I shove my dick into their waiting maw and let their tongue take care of my uncertainty. They work my shaft without delay. Jay sinking his dick into their ass barely seems to faze them at all. Well, other than the occasional shudder of delight that ripples through their body, massaging my dick. Every motion is a tease, and I don’t have to take it. I grab the back of their head and ride their face like a sex toy. Watching Jay hilt Feather’s plush butt while I fuck their maw is both surreal and hot as hell. That’s my partner he’s boning. What is there to do but hilt them too? Taking dick at both ends, Feather’s in their happy place. Their throat opens wide to accommodate my whole shaft with seeming ease. Considering they’ve taken Jay’s titan length many times, it only makes sense. Still, it feels good to press my sheath against their lips, and even better when their tongue snakes its way inside to stimulate my half-formed knot. “It’s nice to finally shut them up, isn’t it?” Jay asks with a wink, settling into a steady thrusting rhythm. Although Feather’s teasing tongue begs me to speed up, I match Jay’s pace. “Best thing to do with a brat,” I say. “I would know.” Jay laughs and drags Feather against their hips, leaving me room to edge closer and grind my way back into the depths of the squirrel’s maw. Jay runs a paw up and down Feather’s lower back. “If you stick around, I’ll make sure to shut you up too.” Jay grunts, gives Feather a sudden spank—at which they let out a spluttering squeak around my length—then ratchets up his thrusting speed. He must be going pretty hard on Feather judging by how their body jolts with every impact, and the [i]thwap, thwap[/i] of his balls slapping up against their ass… It’s hypnotic. He’s panting now, speaking between breaths. “You could do with a, [i]hff[/i], real muzzlefucking, Ash.” My cheeks go hot, my ears flatten in instinctive embarrassment. I realize I’m picturing myself in Feather’s place, even as I ride their face: that’s me there, taking dick at both ends, Feather in my mouth, Jay pounding my fat butt, making it bounce, the slap of his balls louder than ever with so much ass to clap. [i]Fuck[/i]. Always the fantasizing, never the doing. But I fuck Feather like it’s real, like it’s me down there. I look to the ceiling, let my vision blur and my tongue loll and just exist in the moment. Not this moment, exactly, but an alternate moment. A moment in which I finally let go of my fears, all my knotted up issues about every little thing, all that trauma Marty gave me, all the paranoia about my now, about the wedding, everything. A moment in which I am taken and love it. A moment in which I stop worrying for once. Stop holding on to the razorblade. Let my paws run clean. My history recede. A moment in which I cut through this facade of living and actually go and do it. God, I want to get railed. It brings me close, but that closeness reminds me of where I really am, what I’m actually doing. I’m brought back to reality. Feather, my sweet Feather, skewered on both my cock and Jay’s. They’re so pretty. So eager. My heart hammers with a new thought: how long has it been since I’ve had sex with somebody I was dating? Even longer since it’s been somebody I love. And I do love them. I’m ready to give up the swaddling comfort of uncertainty. When I think of us I see two birds embracing in the air, phoenixes swerving around each other, rising and falling, but never losing track of one another. Two traumatized queers, obsessed with the arts as outlet and escapism, introspective yet flirty. Both a little overserious, both a little too loose. We are so much the same, and so different, too. Their resolute self-determination and assuredness–I could never–and their independence, their fierce and informed politics, not to mention the obvious, their gender expression and unique profession and… the polycule. Fuck it, I love them, and they give one hell of a blowjob. I tighten my grip on their head and repeatedly ram my sheathed knot against their lips. “[i]Mff[/i]. Think this fucktoy deserves their treat yet, Jay?” Feather’s practically making out with my sheath as I raw their face. Their tongue causes an electric jolt to run down my spine to the tip of my tail. I lift it high as I grind my hips against their muzzle. Between the percussion of slapping balls and the occasional bassy grunt, Jay agrees. “Let’s fill ‘em up.” “Let’s knot ‘em at both ends.” “[i]Fuck[/i] yes.” It’s all the permission I need. No matter which other desires persist in me, knotting Feather’s muzzle sounds incredible right now. Watching Jay go at them–in spite of the partner-sharing weirdness–is delicious too. The [i]slap, slap, slap,[/i] the jiggling cheeks, the reverberations of his thrusts through Feather’s frame… My thoughts devolve into the crude simplifications of sex: [i]Fuck yes. Pound that bubble butt, Jay. Fill my bottom bitch partner up. Fuck. I want to cum in their mouth, to splash the back of their throat with seed.[/i] Picturing it, my head tilts back, my panting grows heavier. Orgasm approaches as I brutally mash my knot against their maw, barely registering the occasional slight scrape of their teeth on my dick as my thrusts become rougher and more erratic. “G-gonna [i]fucking[/i] cum in that throat, Feather.” But it’s Jay’s shuddering moan that comes first, the wolf shaking as his own orgasm wrests away control of his body. In an instant I’m jealous of Feather, then protective, then turned the [i]fuck[/i] on. My hammering knot pops into their mouth. Their tongue works it, frenzied. I’m pushed over the edge. I jet off a supersized load, barely even conscious of myself or my surroundings as all of my thoughts and feelings become concentrated in the white spray splattering the back of my squirrel’s throat. I am the throbbing, spouting cock, spilling my desire into my partner’s maw, giving them taste after taste of my love, my devotion, my sex. It’s a miracle they’re able to swallow it all. The haze lasts I don’t know how long. By the time I’m more than my groin again, I’m laying down, legs awkwardly bent under me, with Feathe—detached from my knot—holding me in their arms. They kiss me, with tongue, offering the aftertaste of my cock and cum. I readily accept. Go back for seconds. I notice Jay behind them, nibbling their neck, knot still in their ass. Compared to the muzzle it’s not as easy to remove a knot from there before it deflates. Doesn’t stop my pang of jealousy, a brief wish that I were in either of their positions. “That was fucking amazing,” Feather says, their eyes closed as they squeeze me tight against them. Jay does the same to Feather from behind. “You guys are so hot.” “Right back at you, sweetie,” Jay says. “Love you.” I don’t have time to work through the weirdness of Jay saying that to my partner before Feather responds. “Love you too, my big jock boyfriend.” Their eyes flick open, stare into mine. “And you, my even bigger puppy boyfriend.” They kiss my nose. My mind whirls. [i]Wow[/i]. Just like that. Wait? Just like that? Was I making so much out of so little? Or is this as big of a deal as it feels? “Love you too, Feather.” I must be beaming. Jay giggles, says: “Welcome to the ‘cule, Ash.” “What? No cute nickname?” Feather asks. Their confession of love, however casual, brings new fire to my loins. I grind my dick against their leg. “Cumdump.” Feather scoffs. “Wow. Give a pup a blowjob and suddenly he thinks he’s boss.” We’re kissing again. Jay watches, head propped up on one paw, wearing an expression of beatific calm. I’m so happy, and so horny and, still, so confused. A nagging voice in the back of my head tells me Jay shouldn’t be here, that this should be between me and Feather. But, it doesn’t matter. I’m so happy. And so horny. I carry on grinding. “Sorry Ash, but you’ve got my jaw aching, and Jay got my ass sore. It’s been a big night, I don’t have another round in me.” Despite my arousal, I’m only a little disappointed. I assure them it’s okay. Feather disentangles from Jay and I—the wolf’s knot having gone down enough in the interim—stands and pats down their mussed fur. “As for me, Ash, I’m up for more,” Jay says, one paw wrapped around his huge cock. I replace that paw with my own without thinking. All my high-minded monogamous ideals apparently out of my head the instant Feather got out of bed. The wolf grunts, rubs my belly and squeezes my love handles. I enjoy the fat-worship a little more every time he does it. Even with a paw on Jay’s cock and my own dick standing to attention, I say: “I suppose I should get going too. It [i]has[/i] been a big night for us.” “Ash, I’m going to collapse into bed the moment I get home. You two wore me out. If you’ve got the energy, babe, stay here with Jay.” “I [i]do[/i] have this room for the night either way,” Jay says. “See?” Half of me wants to decline, but seeing as I’m already stroking Jay’s dick, I can’t exactly pretend the offer isn’t tempting. “You sure?” I ask. “I’m sure.” A couple minutes later, with their Uber ordered, I see Feather out at the hotel room door, careful not to let my naked body be spotted by any lucky late-night passersby. Jay remains in bed, playing with his sheath, awaiting my return. “Great first date, pup. You did well.” “You’re just glad I made your jaw ache.” “I’ll make your jaw ache next time, slut.” “Love you, brat.” The words tumble out unguarded. I stiffen. This isn’t the same as saying it back in the afterglow of sex. “Tshh.” Feather taps my nose. “I say something once and my excited pet gets all wrapped up in it.” “Sorry, I-” They kiss me. “Shut up.” My cheeks are warm, my tail’s rapid swishing is audible. “You’re glowing,” they say. “Cute. Look, things are still new between us, I-” “I know, I know. You just make me so excited, I-” “Don’t apologize. It’s just, if I say it again I don’t want you losing yourself in those words. Yes, I have feelings. Yes, we’ve known each other for months. But this was our first official date, and your first time trying poly. Don’t get ahead of yourself, alright?” “I… I… Okay.” “And, I love you too, brat.” I can’t stop a joyous bark from escaping me. Everything else they said melts away in the light of those magical words. They love me. They really love me. I haven’t felt this giddy in longer than I can remember. Sure they don’t want me to skip ahead but… they love me! Feather laughs, checks their phone, turns away like it’s nothing. “Later Ash, ride’s here. See you soon Jay! Have fun guys. I can’t wait to hear what my boyfriends get up to while I’m away.” Once Feather’s out of eyesight I return to Jay with a wagging tail and love on the mind. He’s eyeing up my body and stroking his dick. I don’t know how either of us have another load in us, but we do. “So, sexy, what are you in the mood for?” he asks. Joining him on the bed I grab his dick and give it a squeeze, coaxing out a fresh dribble of pre. My heart is thumping hard. Blood rushes through my ears. “I want you to knot my fat butt.” All this lust, all this joy, all this love. If not now, when? The words alone earn another dribble. Jay jerks up to sitting. “You’re serious.” I nod. “But wait, wait. You were drinking earlier. I don’t want to- I couldn’t live with myself if-” “The buzz is gone. I didn’t drink that much anyway. I’m sober now. Sober as I can be.” “Are you absolutely certain you’re sober [i]enough[/i]?” “Jay. Look into my eyes. I’m serious, look. I’m sober enough, I promise. I [i]want[/i] this.” “You mean it. Holy fuck.” Jay’s grinning wide, wagging alongside me, his paws running down my sides with a gentleness uncommon to him. “After all you’ve been through, you’re sure? With me?” “You’ve never been anything less than kind to me. You’re sexy, you’re sweet, you make me feel comfortable and, as difficult as it has been for me, I trust you.” And then he’s all over me. I’m on my back, his tongue in my throat, his dick throbbing between my thighs, mine throbbing against his tummy. He’s so eager that his tongue darts all around when it makes its way inside my maw, it’s cute. He’s as puppy-dog excited as I am. Apart, we’re both panting, done with words. No time for them, no breath. He’s scrambling for the lube like it’s life-giving oxygen, then he’s got it. Then it’s all over his dick, then his fingers run cold across my tailhole as he slicks it with the stuff. God, even that is enough to make me moan. It’s been so long since I’ve let someone touch me there, so long since I let myself have the kind of sex I want more than anything. He tugs my legs up against him, looks into my eyes. He’s breathing heavy as he pokes his dick between my cheeks. There’s a singular instant of fear, then it’s gone. Then an instant of anger, which lingers only long enough to think: [i]Fuck you Kale, you’re not the only one any more[/i]. I am capable of enabling my own joy. Feather loves me. Jay is going to fuck my thick ass. I’m a submissive bitch on top of the world who needs pounding into the fucking ground for all those years of missing out. Jay hesitates, his tips resting against my hole. His eyes ask the question one more time. The answer is obvious, it’s necessary. I need his huge cock inside of me more than I need breathing. I nod. He growls. I’m his. He sinks his length into my desperate asshole, inch by steady inch, the both of us moaning as I clench around his prodigious rod. I’m tighter than I used to be, I grit my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut whenever the stretching grows painful. It’s exactly what I want. I’m living the dream I’ve been having for years. I exist to be fucked, I am a needy hole on legs, I was born to be a toy for any dick that needs a tight space, any balls that need emptying. These three years of avoidance and for what? For denying myself this? His pace picks up, his balls slap loud against my butt. The repetitive sound is a song unto itself. This is what I always should’ve been, always should be: a warm, tight and willing pocket for dick. I’m clawing into the bed, doing my best to make myself immovable. Body acclimatizing to his size, I match his gaze. His eyes are all hunger, his open maw panting, tongue out, all but drooling. I am the object of his desire. I am an object, a toy, less than a toy, a tool, a sex-aid. I want to live this moment never-ending, to be railed by every dick in a ten-mile radius, I want to be gaped and fucked beyond sore without being asked and forgotten about in thirty seconds by men who don’t care about any aspect of me apart from my fat ass. Jay’s ramming knot teases my hole with every thrust, I want it inside. He’s growling again. I’m moaning, ascending to a higher plane. I could seriously cry. It’s been so long. He’s somebody new. [i]Marty, fuck you.[/i] All that matters is the [i]thwack, thwack, thwack[/i] of him against me. His big dick held tight by my inner walls. His fat knot. His fat [i]fucking[/i] knot. I need it. I gyrate my hips in time with his, making his thrusts impact harder, his knot stretch me further. The end is inevitable, and approaching. Each of us needs it with our entire being. The sex from earlier was foreplay in comparison. In a cacophony of growls and pants and slapping balls and moans and grunts and ragged breaths, it comes. His huge knot forces its way into my hole, it brings pain, I welcome it. And then the pain is gone, and then euphoria. I’m clenching around him as he reaches climax, as he fills me up like the cumdump I am, his dick twitching, his shoulders shaking as he holds himself up above me, staring into my eyes, the hunger gone, sated. And then we’re kissing again, his dick still spouting into my hole, my cock pressed between us. I didn’t cum, I didn’t want to. I am an object. I am the object of his desire. We make out until his balls are well and truly empty. Then we come apart, touch noses, smile. A laugh escapes me unplanned, it elicits another from him. Once we’ve both started it’s hard to stop. Soon we’re laughing uproariously, rolling on the bed and radiant in one another’s arms. I laugh so hard I cry. I did it. Jay wipes the tears from my eyes. “You’re amazing,” he says. “My ass was worth the wait, huh?” “Your ass is divine, Ash. But I meant you. [i]You’re[/i] amazing.” “Says the one who broke my curse.” “You did that. You let me in, and I’m honored.” He speaks with a kind of calm sincerity I'm not used to. “I really am.” “Jay, I- That’s so sweet.” He grins, stares, searching my eyes for something buried deep. I get the impression he has more to say, but he stays quiet. Instead, he hugs me tight. “That was hot as fuck, by the way,” I say. “Like mindblowingly hot. It’s… it’s been a long time.” “[i]You’re[/i] mindblowingly hot.” “Pssh.” He tightens his hold on me, teases my neck with his teeth. I reciprocate. We stay locked in that embrace, nuzzling and nibbling at each other for minutes. Eventually his knot deflates enough to slide out of me. I wish it were back as soon as it's gone, but I’m glad at least not to be scared of it anymore. “Ash, I…” Hesitation. “What’s up?” Jay pulls away just enough that we can see each other’s faces clearly. “I’m [i]so[/i] fucking into you.” “I know. You’re all about objectifying fat boys. I’ll admit, I’m learning to love it.” He laughs. “No, not that. I know we’ve kind of kept things between us unspoken, but I mean it.” My mind stalls. “Mean what?” “I’m serious!” He chuckles. “Ash, you’re funny, and clever, and, yes, sexy as fuck. I think you’re an amazing dog. We have great sex, I love our chats and the stupid memes you send me, and our not-a-date the other night at the restaurant went so perfect, I-” Another laugh, more nervous, almost bashful. “Being around you makes me fluttery. And now, tonight, this… I mean, wow. And you’re in the ‘cule now, and I know that was a huge deal for you, and that you were uncertain about all of this, and it got me so excited, and- Sorry, I know I may be getting ahead of myself, I won’t push anything. I know you’re following Feather’s advice, taking things slow. I know you’re official with them right now, not me, I just… I guess I wanted to say it, instead of leaving it unspoken: I’m [i]so[/i] fucking into you, Ash. When, or, I mean, [i]if[/i] you’re ready, you don’t have to think of me as only your [i]partner’s[/i] boyfriend.” Pins and needles all over. Everything, every word, every motion pierces my body. Every sensation is pain. My eyes are wide, I screw them shut. My breathing goes ragged, then short, and fast. My head is pounding. What the [i]fuck?[/i] “Ash?” Uncertainty. “Ash, I- God.” Fear. “I’m sorry. This has been such a big night for you, this was horrible timing. Let’s forget I said anything, I-” Our [i]not-a-date?[/i] He invited me out for dinner, and it was nice, and he called me princess, and we got on great, but- I push off the bed, come to my feet. I’m dizzy. The room is shaking. Where are my clothes? And sure, we message all the time and have great sex, but- “The sex, Jay. You’re in an open relationship, I-” I’m grabbing for my socks. His face drops, the wide-eyed panic descending into realization. “I- I thought I wasn’t that subtle about liking you.” But he was! He must have been! I- He was always buttering me up, complimenting everything about me, he was always so happy to see me, so ecstatic to spend time with me, I- I didn’t see it. Or, I didn’t let myself. I don’t know which. It’s easier to enjoy the sex and the company and the warmth when it doesn't mean anything. It didn’t mean anything. It was a comfort, that’s all. That’s all it was! To me. “Fuck. Jay, I- I- You’re nice. I-” Underwear on. I’m grabbing my pants. Jay is standing, still nude. “But you stayed. Feather went, and you stayed.” “I was horny.” “You let me fuck you. You haven’t let anyone since- I thought that- I thought that meant something. I-” The polycule? He saw it as a sign, me joining, being so up for tonight. I only joined the polycule for Feather. I only- I only joined for Feather. All I want is them. Everything else is noise. I’m hyperventilating. I shake my head. My breathing is short, everything is still shifting, my head still pounding. “Jay, I-” “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’m so [i]fucking[/i] stupid.” His head is in his paws, his voice is breaking. I can’t do poly. What the fuck was I thinking? Who the fuck did I think I was? “I love Feather. I’m in love with Feather, I-” The buttons on my fucking pants won’t do up. “I read it all wrong. I didn’t explain myself. I jumped to conclusions. I-” “I’m sorry, Jay, I didn’t even think that- I-” There. The button. I grab my shirt, pull it on. Grab my shoes. My heart pounds at my ribcage. I can barely breathe. “I fucked up. I fucked up. I’m sorry, I- I’ll get dressed too. Let’s- let’s talk this out.” I shake my head. I shake my head again. I pull on my shoes. The fucking laces. The [i]fucking[/i] laces. “No, no, I- I can’t. I can’t be here, I- I can’t do this. I can’t do poly, I- I can’t do poly!” “No, no, no, [i]no[/i], Feather’s gonna hate me. Don’t let me ruin that.” He’s crying. Fully crying. “You’ve got a good thing with them. I’ll never- Being poly doesn’t mean I have any claim, I- You don’t have to give up because of m-” But I’m already at the door. “I’m sorry, Jay.” I’m crying too. “I’m sorry.” I speedwalk to the elevator. I have to call it. Its movement is glacial. I’m hyperventilating. Paw on my chest, heart thumping. My phone feels slippy in my other paw. I’m booking an Uber. To Feather’s place. To Feather’s. I need to tell them. I have to. I love them. They love me. Cold breeze, dark of deep night, empty street. My vision so blurred I can barely read the Uber’s numberplate. Driver tries to make conversation. My head is spinning. [i]Fuck.[/i] I led him on? He made up a tale? Both? I can’t stop wiping my eyes. Driver gives up quick. The drive takes long enough that my breathing slows. My mind and heart are still a mess. I’m buzzing Feather’s flat. Again. Come on. Again. Come on. “Are you aware it’s the middle of the fucking night?” Their voice in static, graveled with sleep. “I need to talk to you.” “Ash? What the hell? I told you I was going to bed, I thought you’d stay at the hotel tonight.” “Feather, please.” “Fuck, what happened? I’m buzzing you in. But, Ash, call a-fucking-head next time, okay?” Every second until I’m in their apartment is aching. I’ve caught my breath. I’m coming down from the height of panic, but anxious and scared and certain of only one thing: I need Feather. They open the door in nothing but underwear, gorgeous, and usher me in. Their eyes are all over me, blinking rapidly. They bite their bottom lip. “Something happened,” they say. “Jay’s into me.” I blurt out the words with unnecessary frenetic energy. Feather nods, slow, matching my stare. “You knew,” I say, only realizing as I say it. “Of course. He’s my boyfriend.” Feather takes a seat on their couch and urges me over. I stay standing I’m stammering. Speechless all over again until I’m ranting. “But, but then why didn’t you warn me? Warn [i]him[/i]? You know I’m into you, Feather. [i]You[/i]!” “Honey, excuse me, but I don’t know what’s going on at all times inside your head, or his. I didn’t know he’d bring it up tonight. I didn’t know it would surprise you as much as it clearly has, nor did I know for sure you wouldn’t be interested. You agreed to poly, Ash, I don’t hold your exclusive rights. You spent a lot of time with him, you seemed to get on amazing.” “But you know I l- You knew I was into you, and that I would’ve been with you exclusively if I could’ve.” “Your fear of poly isn’t the same thing as disinterest in other people, Ash.” They sigh, run a paw down their face. “I’ll tell you something for free: there’s millions of monogamous people out there with crushes on a bunch of folk they’ll never let themselves have. That’s not on me.” “But-” They hold out a paw to stop me. “Yes, Ash, I knew there was a good chance you didn’t feel the same way about Jay that he did about you. But that was it, a [i]chance[/i]. The fact that you’re here, like this, tells me things went very badly when he told you. Okay. I’m sorry, Ash. And I’m sorry for Jay, too. But that’s life, right? You don’t want Jay, and you’re having a very awkward, difficult night right now. Poly is new to you. Tonight was a lot. He probably shouldn’t have brought it up so quickly, but he got excited for one reason or another and did. Learn to forgive him, Ash. And don’t you dare come in here blaming [i]me[/i] for somebody else’s feelings.” I deflate, walk over and sit beside them on the couch. “I’m sorry. I was in panic mode. That’s not why I’m here. Not exactly.” “Then… why [i]are[/i] you here?” All of a sudden the self-assuredness of their peacemaking goes missing. I’ve made them nervous. I suppose they should be. “When he… when Jay told me that he wanted me, I realized two things.” Deep breath. I move to take their paws into mine, they let me. “One is: I can’t do poly.” Their body stiffens. “Two is: I love you, Feather, and I want you. I need you.” They withdraw from me and rise to their feet, stomping forward once. Their large tail lashes, almost knocking over a lamp. “And what the hell am I supposed to do with [i]that[/i], Ash?” They’re angry. It’s my fault. I hate this. I won’t take it back. I stand. “You’ve already admitted you love me too, I-” They turn. Their eyebrows are furrowed. They jab an outstretched finger in my direction. “And I [i]specifically[/i] told you not to take that admission too far. For fuck’s sake, Ash, listen when people tell you what they want. Maybe then you wouldn’t have been so blindsided by Jay.” I screw my eyes shut, the room is spinning again, my head throbbing, I take it into my paws. “Fuck, sorry. No, that wasn’t fair,” they say. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Then there’s a paw on my shoulder, and I can’t help but lean into it. I wrap Feather in a hug without another word. They reciprocate. “You love me,” I say, the words a plea. “Of [i]course[/i] I do,” they say, exasperated, two-thirds of the way to tears. “Then be with me.” “I [i]am[/i] with you.” “You know what I mean.” They pull away again, shake their head. “Ash, I don’t.” “Be with me, exclusively. Only me.” “Ash, you told me you wouldn’t fucking do thi-” “Well, I lied!” I yell. “To myself and to you. I lied. To Jay and to Eve too. I lied to all of your fucking faces. To my mirror. I lied. I lied for [i]you[/i], because I want you, and I love you, and I need you, and I didn’t know how else to have you. I lied. I’m sorry.” Feather’s eyes glisten in the lamplight, they bring the palms of both paws to their face and press. Their shoulders shudder. “I love you,” I say. “Don’t,” they say. “You’re in shock. We moved too fast. Things didn’t go well with Jay, and-” They draw a ragged breath. “You’re not in your right mind, Ash. Everything seems massive to you right now, but-” With an extended exhale, they uncover their face and, with it, the wet fur around their eyes. “Go to bed, get some sleep. We’ll talk tomorrow.” “I know what I’m saying,” I say. “You don’t.” “Listen to me, Feather, I mean it.” “No you fucking don’t. Can you see yourself at all, Ash? You mean so much to me, but you’re a mess. You say you want to go monogamous with me, but you can’t even help yourself from spending half the night flirting with your old flame. Did you think I didn’t notice the way you were talking to Kale? You’re not over [i]him[/i] and he’s getting fucking married. [i]He[/i] hurt you.” “Feather, I-” “No, look, I don’t care if you flirt with him. I can deal with that. I had a good night. [i]And[/i] I was happy for my other boyfriend to ask you out when he felt comfortable. You know why, Ash? Because I’m [i]fucking[/i] poly, like you knew before you even goddamn met me. And maybe you are too, and maybe you’re not, I don’t know. But, right now, neither do you. You need to settle. You need sleep. Go to bed.” I’m out of fight. Fully beat. Still on fire, but not sparking, smouldering internally, burning to dust. One last request. “Can I-? Can I sleep here, with you?” “No, Ash.” A subtle shake of the head, widened eyes, disbelief. “No.” I go limp. One last Uber. I tell Feather I love them one more time before leaving. They tell me to call them in the morning. I ask them if it’s over. They tell me that’s up to me. I replay our conversation over and over and over until I’m at Eve’s. Jay’s car’s not here. Small mercies. I let myself in. I lay in bed, naked, staring at the ceiling. How am I supposed to sleep? I curl up on my side, above the sheets, squeeze my eyes shut. I picture Feather crying themself to sleep because of me. I picture Jay’s panic attack alone in the hotel room, unable to sleep because of me. I picture Eve sleeping peacefully, waking to the news of what I’ve said and done. I’m crying all over again, losing my grip, burying my face in a pillow. Marty curls up against me, lays an arm over my side, becomes my big spoon. He doesn’t have to say a thing.