FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Missy lay on her bed, bundled under a cocoon of blankets. Selene remained close to her side, silently providing her own emotional support. In the distance, the TV hummed on from the living room, showing its mind numbing shows to no one in particular.

“I don’t think he’s coming,” Selene said.

“Shh! Shh. I just-- I don’t know that,” Missy said.

“He won’t know what you did. Even if you shouldn’t have done it.”

“I know, I know I shouldn’t have done it. But I had to, and here we are, I’m just gonna sit, and wait, and hope he doesn’t know, but he probably will, and I-- I--”

Missy shot up out of bed to take a breath, heaving.

“You’re going to run out of air like that.”

“I should check, real quick. Really, really quick. Just go in and out.”

Missy stumbled out of bed and ran to the hallway right outside of the forbidden workshop. She gasped and rushed over to the front door, peeking outside. No one was there yet. Check the door lock. OK, better double-check the window. No car. Back to the workshop.

“I don’t see anything out of place,” Selene said.

“Leo always sees the details. Always, always, always,” Missy replied. “I have to check.”

“Or what?”

Those imagined words pressed on her mind. Or what? Leo could do anything. She was a voiceless victim in this scenario. A plague on his life. She knew. He just needed an excuse to do something. The guy who knew how to skin animals and discard all the parts? It’d be like she never existed.

“A lot,” Missy whispered.

“He wouldn’t do that.”

She swallowed, then went over the room again. Briefcase, folder, papers. Missy couldn’t be 100% sure where everything was set, but she placed them in a logical order and tried to lay them as center as possible. Any stray hairs she left were also brushed aside. All she could do now was pray he had no reason to look at the contents of it for a very, very long time.

The rest of the room also got a scrutinized eye. Should she sweep up any fur? Some of it was bound to be there, since she occasionally cleaned in here with his blessing. If it was too clean, he might get suspicious. But, he might also notice a little extra fur. And it could be anywhere. Literally every single object in this room could have a little dusting of Missy on it. Then she’d be fucked.

What about the door? Did she leave any nail marks on it? The knob? Pristine? The floor. Right, the floor, did she drop anything in here? Any crumbs? Oh, God, not crumbs. Not fucking crumbs. Missy crouched down and crept along the floor.

“Little Missy, do you really have to do that?” Selene asked.

“Yes! I--”

Something in the house popped. Missy scrambled to her feet and rushed into the hall, nearly slamming into the wall. Her eyes burned holes in the door. It didn’t budge. She snapped to the television. Another pop, as a character on-screen messed with bubble wrap.

“Stupid fucking…”

“Missy!”

Missy held up Selene. “Yes? What?”

“Relax. You should not have done what you did, but there’s no need to batter yourself over it. Did you do the same for his blankets?”

“Oh, fuck, his blankets!” Missy swung around and opened the hall closet, quickly flipping open the washing machine.

“Stop. He will not hurt you. He will not yell at you. He will not fling you into the street.”

Missy slid down against the wall.

“But what if he does?!” she whined. Missy clutched the toy close. “What if he does? And I can’t go back to those fucking--” She swiped at the air. “Fucking losers! I have to crawl into the woods and die. Or-- Or-- Or go way back home in that creepy little town! All because I couldn’t keep my stupid nose out of some stupid papers and he got mad!”

Missy leaned her head back and let out a low whine. Leo was going to kill her, literally or metaphorically. She shut her eyes. Leo would come home and… He would tell her about his trip, make a dry joke, then ask what she did while he was gone. And she would say how, she was hard at work cleaning, did some walking, and looking up stuff on the computer. He would laugh, a little bit, then maybe ask what she wanted for dinner. Missy sighed. Then he would mention how his mom gave him some treats to take with him, then they’d eat and watch TV. Then maybe…

“Not so bad, is it?” Selene said.

“I dunno yet.”

“Maybe you should at least try and make up for it.”

“You mean tell him?”

“Not necessarily, but just do something nice for him when he comes back.”

“There’s like a saying for that. What do you get a guy who has everything?”

“Yourself?”

Eugh, that was cheesy. Maybe sorta true, though. She was the most special-est in the world, so what better gift than her? Leo would definitely say it like, “the best gift would be the least annoying Missy,” probably.

“You could also make a lovely meal.”

“He’s probably bored’a me feeding him, but I guess.”

“All the time in the world to think of something better.”

“What time is it anyways?”

Missy hefted herself up from the cool ground and walked over to the kitchen.

“It’s not even eight yet! Ugh!”

_

Missy lay on her bed, head hanging off the edge. She glared out into the living room. How many hours had it been now? She wasn’t even really counting anymore. Too slow, in any case. Way, way too slow. TV had lost its luster, even if it was still blaring out in the living room.

“Why don’t you turn that off?” Selene asked.

“I need the noise. It helps me think,” Missy replied.

“Shouldn’t that be opposite?”

“No. Not for me.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“How to make time go faster.” She started twirling a bit of curly hair in her elongated fingers. “Got any ideas?”

“Productivity?”

“More like pro-dick-tivity.”

Selene didn’t respond.

“Sorry, I’m just bored!”

“You aren’t bored when--”

“Yes, when Knight Snooze-a-lot is around.”

“Shouldn’t that be--”

“I know, that doesn’t make any sense!”

Missy rolled her eyes. What was he doing now? Did he stop for gas? She could call him. Hear his voice. No, he’d get mad, or like, couldn’t pick up. He’s definitely a guy that doesn’t pick up when driving. Like the kind who thinks you’ll get into an accident if you look at your phone for a second.

Then again, he could be waiting in traffic. Then she’d be his hero. Saving him from the tedium of staring at the road.

“Yeah, right, he’d just look at the trees and be fascinated by bark. Wood!” She rocked her head from side to side. “Wood, wood, wood, wood, wood.” C’mon, you have to do something. “Wood, wood, wood.” Doesn’t even sound like a word anymore. Missy clutched at the sheets. Her legs criss-crossed on one another, folding and unfolding. Leo is just dandy driving around in a car for ten hours. He was just great, reclining in his fucking leather seats. Wouldn’t even see it when a semi-truck smashed-- Missy shot right up. She swallowed.

Had to talk to him. Just a little bit. A crumb of his voice. To make sure he was fine. Missy swung around on the bed and stumbled out into the living room, rushing over to the computer. She set Selene down on the desk.

“Maybe relax. Otherwise he might think you’re in trouble,” Selene said.

“Like, trouble-trouble, or ‘I did something bad’ trouble?”

“The first, but I suppose the second isn’t good either.”

“Yeah, OK, OK.” Missy took a deep breath. Somehow it only caused her heart to beat faster. She held it instead. And held. And held.

“You still need to breathe.”

Exhale.

“Alright, I’m good now. Ice cold fearlessness,” Missy said.

“Be polite.”

“Yeah, like I’m gonna be mean right now.”

She opened up that Skype thing and hovered over Leo’s name in its little phonebook. Maybe later. Maybe he was in a gas station bathroom. Maybe he wouldn’t even hear his phone over the music. Maybe he didn’t even want to hear her. Maybe this was his excuse to get away from her. Maybe he wasn’t coming back.

Click.

Missy hissed through her teeth, but didn’t stop it from going through. That insufferable jingle played. She stared at the image of him that came up, the one that had her arm firmly around his shoulder. That was nice, wasn’t it?

“Hello? Missy?” Leo’s voice came through.

“Ah- Uh, hey, how are ya?” Missy said.

“I’m driving, Missy, is everything OK?”

The sprinkling of static over the phone took a bit of the edge off his usual commanding tone. Like this, he almost sounded cute. No, that wasn’t the right word. Maybe it was. Agreeable? Nice. Someone she could imagine being friendly.

“Missy?”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I was checking in. You know. Since you said that you would call me, but you haven’t. So I was thinking I should make sure you’re good and all that.”

“Well, I offered, but you turned it down.”

“Oh. Oh, yeah. I completely forgot. Uhm, you know, let’s just say my past self was dumb and we’ll get back on the calling schedule. So, you doing good?”

“I’m fine. Had a bump in the road, but I’m making good time regardless.” There was a pause. The hum of the road could be heard. “Everything’s alright?”

“Everything’s alright! Cleaning around the house, watching TV, the usual. How about you? Are you doing good on your cruisin’?” She was going to add a joke about “picking up hot chicks” but held her tongue.

“It’s been alright. Some good sights, some bad.”

“Cool, cool, cool… So, uh, yeah, good to hear. That’s all I was wondering.”

“Alright, bye.”

“Bye!”

Missy sighed and leaned back in the chair. What a waste of a call. Cool? Was that all she could say? And stuttering over herself so much.

“He knows what I did,” Missy said.

“I think he was just bored.”

“Didn’t you hear him? He was annoyed. A little bit. I could hear it in the way he said ‘sights’.”

“He probably meant literal sights. Things you see. What would he gain from not chastising you now?”

“Not give me time to run?”

“I think it’s about time you drop that line of thinking.”

“I guess.”

“Shouldn’t you be happy that he’s OK, regardless?”

“Yeah, yeah. I am. Didn’t seem too happy that I was OK.”

“You did call him quite suddenly. If anything, he trusted you enough not to call you.”

“Leo trusts me, yeah.” Missy began clicking away at the Internet. “I’m someone he trusts.”

“You are in his house. Alone. Rummaging around in his stuff.”

“I’ve got you here.”

Selene did not reply. Missy looked back to the screen. Here she was, talking to herself because her pseudo-boyfriend went out of the house. She might’ve called it a cage if it weren’t for the best. Loneliness was her prerogative. Grabbing Selene, she stood up and returned to her room, where she had hung up her little corkboard of photos.

A Halloween every day would have set her free. Would she want to, though? Missy looked at all the images of her and other people. It was like it never really happened. She was there, but now she wasn’t, and she might never be again. It wasn’t fair. How come someone like Leo got to just hang out around other people and hate it? They should swap places.

Missy began to meander around the house. Leo should be the one cooped up in here. “Bet by now he’d have a hundred chairs and a whole crafted piano,” she said. Leo didn’t deserve to be out there being all blank faced and stoic. Everyone deserved to see a little bit of her. Not just because she was cool, but because she wanted to see a little bit of them, too.

Though, it wouldn’t be fair to rob Leo of that, either, and it’s not like he wanted her to be stuck inside all day.

“He doesn’t want you gone, though,” Selene would say.

Missy looked out of the living room window. Nature peered back. Wavering trees and wistful leaves. That was where she really belonged, foraging for food, fighting for her life. If anything, she was blessed. With a friend, with a warm home, and with a cozy life. Life wasn’t fair, but considering what others had to go through, it was possible that she didn’t have it so bad. Whatever Mom was thinking of, raising her like a regular little kid, that was for the best.

“Spirit of the land. Yeah, right. I might as well be the patron saint of the couch,” Missy said. It was cool when she said it back then in the woods, but now it just seemed ridiculous.

“You could go out there, couldn’t you?” Selene asked.

Missy looked hard into the foliage, where any number of things could lurk. The road was that perfect barrier between a little slice of civilization and unruly, chaotic woods. Anything could happen in there, especially since it felt like everything was watching her.

“And get eaten? I’d rather have lunch first.”

Wasn’t fair that Selene couldn’t see, so Missy held her up to the window.

“Pretty outside, isn’t it?” Selene said.

“Still not going out there.”

“Aren’t you scarier than the bears?”

“Not right now.” Maybe some day. Missy tilted her head.

“So you will be, then. At some later point.”

It was possible. She always felt like she was changing. Getting better. Worse. Parts of her body could shift and morph into things she could never even imagine. Missy waddled back over to the couch and sat down.

“I dunno. I might be.” She adjusted herself on the couch.

“You were made for greater things, after all.”

“When are they gonna get here?”

“Patience is a virtue.”

“Patience never got me anything.”

Missy sat there, waiting for some sudden sensation to burst its way through her. Silly, but anything could happen. She was the most special creature in the whole planet. Still in her 20’s, too.

“You think I’m gonna get horns at 30?”

“Do you want horns?”

Missy rubbed her forehead. “I’d have to file them down or something.”

“Why?”

“Leo wouldn’t like ‘em.”

“Have you asked his opinion on horns, lately?”

“No, but I bet he wouldn’t like them.”

“He likes the rest of you.”

“No, he doesn’t.”

“I think he would like you less if you were a regular person.”

“So you’re telling me that if I were more of a monster, things would be better?”

“Not exactly what I said.”

Maybe that was true. Think about it. Leo never ever talked about finding other ladies hot. He still routinely touched her. He still got a little excited during those times. Missy hopped off the couch and rushed over to the bathroom mirror. Horns? Wings? A tail? She tapped the side of her head. Maybe an elaborate inner psychic brain part.

“I guess I should be happy I’m not a cyclops. Or that I have a third eye. A literal one, not a mind one. I could have a mind one.”

“A spiritual side.”

“Right.”

Spirit of the land couldn’t be far off. She wasn’t one now, but she could be one soon. A powerful woodland creature that could bend the very will of the forest to her whim. Something truly in-tune with nature. The heart of the wild given its purest form.

What would she look like then, though? She glanced to the living room. Would all of this be gone? Being a whole spirit of the forest seemed like hard work. Endless work. Spirits don’t just disappear. They linger, don’t they? Forever? Could she live forever? Without ever keeping friends? She couldn’t bring Leo along. Rather, even if she could, he wouldn’t want to.

Who didn’t want to live forever?

Leo, that’s who. He said as much, but why not? Why wouldn’t he want to do all the things he wants to do forever? Missy furrowed her brow. What if he was already going to live forever?

“He’s a very hidden person, after all,” Selene said.

“Running away to the woods, hiding away from everyone, pretending to be a normal guy in public. He could be like me.”

Or what she was meant to grow into? That silent, observant sentry ready to step in when needed and not a moment sooner. No, they weren’t that similar. They were both weirdos who belonged in the woods, but whatever Leo was, he wasn’t a wolficus. But. The way he made her hair stand on end sometimes, just with a look or a word. Through all that distaste, Leo might’ve really liked having someone like her around. Someone to mingle in the oddities with.

“He’s connected to you, isn’t he?”

“I guess he is.”

OK, gotta stop staring at the mirror. Missy walked out of the bathroom and stopped by his doorway. There was a hint of his scent on the air. A sort of outdoors-y, shave cream-y, leather chair-y mix with his own human touch to it. She walked into his room and bumbled over to his bed, sitting down, and then plopping her head on his pillow. There it was, imbued in this fluffy thing, Leo.

“Yeah, we really do have a connection.” Her mind felt warm. “Like, I just know where he should be, and how he is.”

“It would explain how you found him, wouldn’t it?”

“Sorta, yeah.” Yeah! “It’s like finding my way back home.” Not quite like that. “To track him down all these years later and just hang out with him. How many people get to do that?”

“There are plenty of movies like that.”

“You think people would ever make a movie about us? That would be so cool.”

Interviews, biographies, movies, TV shows, books. All sorts of stuff, jotting down the epic that was Missy and Leo reuniting as distant friends. Hollywood magic. Oh, but Leo probably wouldn’t like that. The limelight is practically acidic to him. A shame, really. Then again, it made their little reunion all the more special. Just them, shielded from the world in this strange hovel.

Still, it would be sad to let that magic go to waste. The warmth in her head slid down into her body. Wouldn’t people love their wondrous story? Literally once in a millennia. Or whatever. Missy hugged Selene close.

“Your destined lover, hm?” Selene said.

“Shhhhhhhhut up,” Missy replied, digging her nose into the pillow.

Solitary friends, away from the prying eyes of the world. Getting so close. Missy’s legs crossed. Brought together by fate after being apart so long. They should have been… something. The word “love” simmered on her thoughts. Tantalizing, but painful. Leo didn’t know the definition, or if he did, it was for some very specific kind of girl that was straight out of the 50’s. Guys didn’t really know what love meant anyways.

To Leo, love probably meant something like standing by the door waiting for him, making him dinner, listening to all his demands, and shutting up. Didn’t she already do three out of four? Not like they were demands, really. He had become a little pliable. Missy giggled. Just a little begging and pleading and he would sometimes budge. Just like right here.

Leo would reach out and give her the lightest touches, slowly working them into deep movements. He had gotten better at it over time, too. His fingers knew every right motion to bring her closer to the end. No matter how much Missy wanted to hang on, he had ushered her to the end.

And then he started liking it, too. Missy sighed. A firm notice that he was getting all riled up over her. Nonetheless, he held back. Leo held some kind of sense of duty. Would it be like, he was taking advantage of her? Was that it? He didn’t want to abuse her? It’s not like he was disgusted, certainly. How would it be OK to let him know that they could do that?

Missy looked down at Selene and sighed. The warmth fizzled out as she stared into those beady toy eyes. She pulled herself back upright. Now’s not the time to let the burning sink in. Not in front of the Orca.

“Is it chores time, yet?” Selene asked. “Something more productive, at the very least?”

“You can’t judge me. Who’s going to move you around, huh?”

“Perhaps I could ask Sir Snooze-a-lot when he returns?”

“I’d like to see you try. Leo doesn’t get along with sea-bound mammals.”

“A good thing you aren’t a mermaid, then.”

“Being in a kiddie pool all the time would definitely kill the fun.”

“Are you sure? You seem like you would enjoy that.”

“It would get old pretty quick, buuuuut an in-door pool party does sound fun.”

“Better not.”