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[b][u][center]Streams of Confidence

Part 4

For Kacacarrotcake

By Draconicon[/center][/u][/b]

Amelia felt funny after the stream. Not funny like she was high, more like she was a little bit out of it, like the less fun part of being drunk. She decided that it would be better to sleep off the transformations, or at least the effects of doing it live, and laid down to sleep, planning to be unconscious for no more than a couple of hours.

She ended up sleeping through to the next day, and groaned as she woke up with the pounding headache that accompanied an overabundance of sleep. Rubbing her forehead, she looked at her phone, her eyes narrowed to slits in raw hate for the stupid piece of electronics that had failed to wake her up, and then rolled onto her back.

The feeling of her new skin was still there, rubbery and tight around her, almost like she was wearing a full-body latex suit. The sensation was…interesting, to say the least, and it felt rather fun. Almost protective, somehow, in a way that her normal skin had never felt. She reached up to her chest, feeling rather thankful for the new biology pulling her breasts up the way that it did. The tight, slippery skin made her feel like she had a push-up bra there, and it made the weight of her new breasts that much easier to bear.

[i]Can’t believe that we let them get this big…[/i]

Then again, with Recro-TFs, the absurd and the outsized was always in fashion. In some ways, it was a little more surprising that she hadn’t gone as far as some of the hyper-models that went to the point of crushing their desks with their new boobs.

[i]Heh…heh…[/i]

Yeah, no, she wasn’t going to do that. Even as experimental as she was feeling, that didn’t feel right for her. The stingray groaned, rolling herself out of bed and standing up, stretching her arms over her head and –

Again, something not quite right. She rubbed her hands over her scalp, wincing slightly at the lack of hair. It didn’t feel right there, either. Much as she liked the rubber skin of the stingray, she didn’t like the lack of hair. That needed to be fixed, somehow.

[i]Probably a Recro-TF for that, too…[/i]

She really should do a full inventory of that chest at some point. She was just taking stuff at random, and she should really know how much of it she had left, just so she could promise and schedule things properly. The stream stuff had been very lucrative so far, and as long as she kept the crowd to a more respectful bunch, like ServileSerpent, DarkSoles, and DungeonDragon had been, she was pretty sure that it could work out well for her in the long term.

Briefly, she wondered what Damien would say if he could see her now, or what he’d say if he saw the records of the last stream. Probably wonder how he had made such a mistake. She was half-tempted to send it to him, just to see his reaction.

After a moment, she decided against it. He was still on her shit-list, and she didn’t want to give him a ‘reward’ for making this her only real option.

Amelia groaned as she touched her bald head again, pulling her hands away from the empty scalp. No more of that for now. Better not to think about something that was that wrong, and rather enjoy –

She took a step and realized that her morning wood wasn’t there. Looking down, she realized that her cocks were completely gone, probably slurped back into her body during her sleep. It hit her surprisingly hard, and she actually cupped her hands over where the pair of them would have been hanging down.

It was almost disturbing to her how much she found herself missing the pair of them, and it was definitely the pair that she missed rather than just the feeling of having [i]a[/i] cock. It was the pair of them, the two of them. Imagining just one down there felt wrong, like there was something off about that, something freaky. She shook her head, forcing herself to pull her hand back again.

[i]Okay…okay, this is getting weird…[/i]

Amelia had never felt so off about her own body before. She had always been at least mostly comfortable with what she had. Sure, there had been a few insecurities, mostly about the size of her breasts and curves, but that had been the normal thing. She had never imagined herself as this…

[i]Freak?[/i]

She shook her head. That was the wrong word for what she had become, even if there was some accuracy there. She might have been weird as hell with smooth skin like this and no hair and such huge breasts, but that didn’t mean she was a freak. At least, she didn’t feel like a freak.

No, it was more…more a feeling of being incomplete, like she was partway to what she wanted to be, but not quite there.

[i]…I should probably look up the side-effects of this shit. But first, shower.[/i]

#

One shower later, she felt better. Not perfect, but better. Amelia rolled her head around her shoulders, taking in the odd feeling of her skin sucking up the residual water on it. The moisture seemed to pour right into her pores and stay there, filling her skin the way that moisturizer tried to do on human flesh. She was honestly a little afraid of what regular moisturizer would do to such thirsty skin, now that she’d felt that.

But it was a good restorative. It added to the good rested feeling that she had, and she felt like she had the energy to take on the world. She went to her computer and started searching down all public records of what Recro-TFs actually did, going from scientific articles to testimonials to interviews, all to see just what there was out there on this stuff.

It turned out that, really, there wasn’t that much released to the public about the actual science of the stuff. In hindsight, that made some kind of business sense. It meant that the public couldn’t try and retro-engineer this stuff, taking profits out of the hands of big business. She understood it, even if she didn’t like it.

The interviews, however, were rather interesting.

Admittedly, most of them were posted by either professional actors or porn stars, people that had the biggest reason to be flexible in their bodies, but it was always rather interesting to see what they were saying after the more extreme transformations. They weren’t going through the ‘useful’ ones that the more minor Recro-TFs tended to target. Rather than building up muscles for labor work or other things that had multiple applications, these actors were shifting themselves completely for sci-fi work or fantasies of the public, and that meant that they had to deal with huge changes to their bodies that didn’t always line up with their past selves.

She had expected there to be a divide between those that enjoyed it and those that wanted nothing more than to go back to their old bodies, but she hadn’t expected it to be like this. She stared at the screen, her eyes going wide as she saw just how few actually liked what they did. The interviews regularly went negative with their responses.

[i]I honestly hated seeing myself in the mirror every day. Seeing myself with a shark fin, with such ugly skin…it wasn’t me. It made me hate myself to the point of needing therapy.

I almost wished I could die. I almost got stabbed in one action scene, just because I hated being this dragon-beast. I wanted my old body back more than I could say.

I got fucked by fourteen horses in a row. Do you think I ever want to go back to those mare days?[/i]

There were more and more responses from more and more people saying how much it hurt them to be in a different body for that long. In all, she believed that she spotted over fifty negative responses to the Recro-TF stuff for every one positive response. But for all that, the positive responses were insanely positive.

It felt like they were speaking for her when she found the rare person that posted how much different they felt when they were in a different body, and how the Recro-TFs might have been a bit frustrating to work with in combinations as they experimented to find the perfect body, but it had been worth it. The ones that had gone further than any of the others, those that had remained in their mutated bodies after their contract was over, made it clear that this was their new baseline, and they were happy with it even if the public wasn’t.

Having been on camera changing for her audience, she realized how much courage it took to say something like that. When people wanted to see something different, when the means were there to turn you into whatever the public [i]wanted[/i] to see, having the courage to stay someone that you liked to be was something rare. Amelia leaned back in her chair, rather shocked at just how powerfully out these people were.

[i]I wonder…[/i]

She did another search. Of the various people that did change and stay that way, she found that their job offerings tended to go down, but the quality of the work they did went up. Something to be said for being happy with yourself, she supposed.

[i]And…what am I going for?[/i] she wondered, looking at the faint reflection of herself in the computer screen. [i]What do I want to be?[/i]

That was a question she didn’t have the answer to. But she did have solutions.

Many solutions, as a matter of fact, in the chest right to her side. She looked at it, half-tempted to start experimenting there and there, but she knew that it would be better to take inventory first, or take some time to start thinking about herself. Experimenting too much would run through her supply, and she didn’t know how the stuff in the chest would react to her aquatic self at the moment.

[i]Maybe…maybe some fresh air would be good…[/i]

Amelia nodded to herself. That was probably the best idea she’d had since waking up. She got up from her computer, got dressed properly, and then left the apartment.

#

She’d only had cocks for a few days, but now that she didn’t have them anymore, she just felt wrong. There had been something kinda hot about having them down there, even though she’d needed new underwear to be completely comfortable with them. The fact that she’d had dicks swinging around had given her a different sort of energy, a different sort of presence, and she missed that feeling of…

Well, big-dick energy, she supposed. Weird to think of that as a woman, she supposed, but that had been what she’d had, and she missed having it.

Shaking her head, she walked down the street. It didn’t take long for the normal people going from bus-stop to bus-stop and from shop to shop to see her, and it didn’t take long for the stares to start mounting up as they spotted her different colorations, her bald head, the way that her breasts were all but bouncing out of her t-shirt with every step she took.

Most of them didn’t look at her the way that the chat did. Most of them looked at her with shock, some of the walkers moving from one side of the street to the other to avoid her. Some of them stared at her with undisguised lust, and she knew that if she was in a less public area, she’d need to be afraid of what some of the men and women would do to her. The sheer invasion of her personal space that such a stare filled her with left her shaking just a bit.

She hadn’t expected this. Hadn’t expected it at all. She had just meant to get some fresh air, not put herself on display in real life.

[i]That…that doesn’t feel good…[/i]

Exhibiting herself on camera was one thing. Being out in public, out where people could actually hurt her if they wanted to and didn’t care about other people catching them, that was a different feeling. Amelia picked up her pace, the high-heeled shoes she wore – the only thing to fit her digitigrade feet – clicking as she moved a little faster down the sidewalk.

The park had always been a good place for her to catch her breath and collect her thoughts, but with the eyes that followed her down the street, she didn’t trust the private paths. Instead, she kept walking, making her way further and further downtown, trying to put distance between her and the leering, sneering, judging people.

It took her almost half an hour to feel like she’d left them behind, and by then, her legs [i]hurt.[/i] She wasn’t used to wearing high-heeled shoes, and she definitely wasn’t used to her new body and its need to be hydrated so often. The wetness that her skin had picked up from the shower had long since dried out, and she felt like she was drifting through a desert. Her coat, long enough to cover her shirt and her upper legs, felt like it was creating a sweltering sauna inside of it.

[i]God…damn…[/i]

Amelia managed to stumble along until she found a bench at the edge of a shopping plaza. She all but threw herself into it, panting for breath as she rubbed sweat off her face. She wanted to rip her coat off and cool down, but considering that she felt this damp just sitting there, she was all but convinced that she’d look like a competitor from a white t-shirt competition if she took it off now. Considering the eyes that she already had on her from people going in and out of the stores, she didn’t dare.

Instead, she leaned her head back and took a few deep gulps of air, just sucking it down and holding it in her lungs for a few seconds before pushing it back out. She was slowly cooling down, which was a plus. Groaning, she slid her tender feet out of the high-heels, rubbing her toes slowly as she did her best to ignore the stares she kept getting.

There really was a serious difference between showing off on camera and showing off in public. She still felt…better, she supposed, in this skin than she had in her own, but the incongruities compared to what she felt she needed – her missing hair, her missing cocks – and the way that people judged her just for looking different really did make her feel like shit. It made her want to run home and hide, to stuff herself back into her apartment and not leave for another few days. Hell, maybe not for the whole month, considering how long it would take for the aqua-skin to disappear.

Amelia was just about ready to call a cab and take a fast ride home when she spotted something out of the corner of her eye. It was nothing more than a blur of motion on a billboard, but it was an inhuman blur of motion, and anything like her, even something that was digitized and just an ad, was something that made her feel better right then. She turned to watch, leaning back and just taking it in.

It wasn’t anything special. It was just someone that had gone from human to dog, a dog-woman that was helping sell some dog food, treats, and harnesses for those that had bigger animals. Hell, it probably worked for those that had gone full-dog with their Recro-TFs, as well, but that was part of what made it good. The woman just…indulged herself there, showing herself without shame, just being herself.

Amelia watched, unable to look away. It was just a trite, over-emotional, over-happy thing that showed what kind of good quality the product had, and the dog-woman made it look good. But despite the fact that it was unfettered capitalism, product placement, and absolutely nothing to do with herself, Amelia still stared.

[i]She looks…so happy.[/i]

And that was the difference. The dog-woman looked like she felt good being who she was. There wasn’t that feeling of just earning a paycheck that she had seen from so many actors in commercials. That was a woman that was good in her fur.

[i]She has…she has something good.[/i]

And she was successful.

She was out there.

She was even flaunting herself a bit, showing off as she walked around, shaking her hips in a way that was completely off for a public commercial, but fit with her being a dog. It was just…wholesome.

And it made her feel like she needed that more than ever. The fact that someone else had gone that far and obviously didn’t regret it made her feel like there was some space for her out there. At least, if she was willing to go that far, if she was willing to embrace the possibility of being mocked and made fun of.

Amelia sighed, leaning back on the bench, rubbing her face. She could still feel the dryness that came from exerting herself too much, her smooth skin unable to hold onto moisture for long when she was pushing herself too hard. The sweat didn’t want to go back in the way that the fresh water did. Ironic, considering the fact that she had injected herself with stingray stuff and those tended to be salt-water things.

[i]God…what am I doing with myself?[/i]

She knew the answer to that already. She was scared. She’d been pushed into a realm of work that she didn’t understand, that she still didn’t feel entirely comfortable with. The group had been helpful to her, had given her something to lean on, but she didn’t [i]feel[/i] like she was worth it. Even now, even after she’d had enough donations to live on for over a month – hell, several months – she didn’t know if she could actually be worth it. She didn’t know if she could be good enough to be worthy of their attention.

It made her want to cry. Here she was, with all the tools that she could need to be successful, and she was the one that was making it harder on herself. Nobody else. Just her.

Leaning forward, still hiding her face behind her hands, she could feel the differences in her appearance to other humans. Her face was pulled out in some ways, and rather than nostril holes like humans, she had little slits over her mouth, flaring out from time to time and then closing again. She had smooth skin without the freckles or hairs that others had, and her eyes were pushed into a vaguely different shape, just a little too far apart for the average person to be comfortable with.

In the eyes of any human, she would be a freak. In the eyes of her chat, she was someone enjoyable.

What was she to herself?

What did she want to be?

[i]God, they keep asking you that when you’re a kid, but they never teach you how to answer it, do they?[/i]

She groaned under her breath, huffing hard through her fingers before she managed to sit up straight again. The breakdown had passed, not quite settling on her shoulders the way that it wanted to, but she still felt the aftershocks running through her, threatening to send her right back down if she let it.

It was time to go home. She pulled out her phone, dialed a taxi, and waited for it to come. All the while, she was all too aware of what didn’t feel good with her, how much she was missing, and how much she needed.

#

As soon as she stepped out of the taxi, she ran for the front door. The app on her phone had already paid the driver, so she didn’t feel too guilty as she ran up the steps to her apartment.

Once inside, she ran to the chest. She flung it open, looking inside, pulling out the vials and distributing them to three different categories. One for animal modifications, one for growth, and one for general features that would change. It turned out that there were less of the first than she thought, all things told.

[i]Almost all aquatic,[/i] she thought, save for one set of vials that looked like they were for vipers and other serpents. [i]Much less variety than I thought…[/i]

That was something that she’d need to keep in mind for the future streams, she supposed, but why would someone send her just the one variety of animals? That seemed almost targeted in this case, and she didn’t know why that was…

Shaking her head, she put it out of her mind. She looked at the other ones, the vials for growth. There were a few overall categories, from breast growth to ass growth, and a simple booster that would apparently grow whatever it was stuck to. She kept that one off to the side, knowing that she’d need to experiment with it in a bit, just to see if it did what she thought it did.

Then, she looked at the general features. There were vials to give her cocks. Vials to give her tails. Vials to add other features that might or might not go with what she was transforming into. She rolled through them to see if there was a – yes, there was a vial for growing more hair, which made her feel better.

[i]Someone…did someone put this together with the idea that I’d…[/i]

It almost felt like it was gift-wrapped to make her into a certain type of person, someone well-endowed in various areas, more aquatic than not, smooth and supple. What did this person want from her? Who had sent her this chest?

Who thought that she needed to be someone else this badly…and how had they been so right?

She leaned back from the chest, shaking her head as she wrapped her arms around herself. She had never felt this…this off about her own body. She had never felt so wrong in her own skin.

[i]Why…why can’t I be happy with what I was?[/i]

Amelia didn’t know, but she suddenly understood why people said ignorance was bliss. Once you had the knowledge of what possibilities existed, you quite quickly became aware of what you were settling for…and it was that much harder to settle for it again. It wasn’t fair, but that was life, wasn’t it?

She groaned under her breath, kicking the chair back from the wall and rolling away from the chest. She wanted to go back to sleep. She wanted to forget about things for a bit, but she knew that she would just wake up miserable again. The mood swings were familiar enough for her to know that they would keep swinging towards the bad until she did something about them. She could make the decision to stop the transformations, or…

Or, she could go back to the transformation chest and see what she could do to make herself more comfortable.

There was no question which one she was going to do, and she groaned under her breath as she rolled back to the chest of drugs. She knew that she needed her cocks back, that much was non-negotiable. She needed that feeling of reassurance down there, to know that she was going to be a good, big-dick girl that could handle herself. If she’d had those down there while taking a walk earlier, she was sure that she wouldn’t have felt half so afraid while making her way downtown.

She pulled that vial out, as well as one for the growth of hair. The growth stuff she left alone; that was better suited to the streams, particularly with the sort of things that DungeonDragon wanted, and what DarkSole wanted, too. Everyone liked to see her grow into a bigger, more powerful woman.

[i]But will they want…[/i]

Amelia stopped that thought in its tracks. They wanted her. They had made that clear, both with their wallets and their words. Today, it was about what she wanted for a change. She deserved to have some happiness, too.

And if she needed something that was less selfish to motivate herself, she had to be at the top of her game to be worth all the attention and money that they were sending her. If she wasn’t happy, they’d be able to tell, and then they wouldn’t want to watch her shows anymore, and then the whole thing would dry up.

Be happy. Take care of herself. Then she would put on the best show in the world.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled out the hair-growth vial. Sucking some of the solution into a syringe, she pressed the needle to the side of her head. After a moment’s hesitation, she pushed it in just beneath the skin, and depressed the plunger.

It stung a little more than the other injections, though not as much as the one that went right between her legs and made her cocks before. This was a different thing, more like a hot headache that ran around her temples and over her forehead before spreading down the middle of her head and down her neck. It felt like some fluffy cap had been put on in the middle of summer, ragged and rough and rubbing her skull the wrong way. Not comfortable, rather disturbing, but not actually painful.

More to the point, it worked. Even as she turned to a mirror hanging nearby, she could see little strands starting to push out of her scalp. She almost went misty-eyed at that, running her hand over her head, feeling the little soft spots. Of all the things that she thought she’d miss, it had been her hair that surprised her most.

Yet, rather than the black strands that she was used to, white ones started pushing free. She stared at them, her mouth hanging open as she ran her fingers through the locks that were popping out of her scalp, running her fingers through them and shaking her head slowly in awe.

“Wow…”

It was such a different color on her, but the white hair actually worked with her purple skin, something that she hadn’t expected in the slightest. She was so used to her dark hair that she thought she’d be mortified if it ever went gray or white, but here she was with bone-white hair, and it [i]worked.[/i]

As it grew longer and longer, running down the back of her head and along her shoulders, she half-expected it to stop. Yet, it kept going. It went past her shoulders, past her breasts, and it didn’t stop until it reached the small of her back. The sheer length of it was going to be a little hard to manage, but at the same time, it felt…luxurious, like some great mane of hair that showed off just how majestic she could be.

[i]Wow…just…fucking wow…[/i]

Amelia kept smiling like an idiot, running her fingers through her hair, petting it almost like she had a new cat. There was something so comforting about not being bald anymore, and it got rid of so many bad feelings.

[i]Is this how people feel when they go through transition?[/i]

Maybe. Maybe that was even better. If it was, she suddenly understood why someone going through that could smile so much just by changing their clothes, and how that would lead to them needing the rest of it. It just…validated you, and this was doing so much for her already.

What would the rest of it do?

She didn’t even hesitate as she grabbed the needle for cock growth, jabbing herself twice. She didn’t care that it was going to give her two cocks. She didn’t even care about the pain of the needle so close to her clit. What mattered was getting those back and feeling –

“Mmmmmph…”

There it was. That heat, that warmth, that [i]stretching[/i] feeling as things started growing down there. She shifted her hips back and forth, getting more comfortable as she felt that slippery, warm feeling that she remembered from last time. That slippery feeling started turning more stiff, more hard, focused right under the hood for her clit. Oh, there was more than just clit growth this time. This was…this was something…mmmph. It was growing inside of her, two things growing, no, more. Four things. Not four cocks, but two cocks and –

[i]Internal balls…internal…[/i]

She could feel the bulges that were forming just over her clit, two swelling spots that rolled upwards a little on either side. A new slit was forming just over her clit, too, something that would contain her cocks. It must have been a result of being part stingray, having them internal now rather than external. They were probably a different shape, too.

[i]God…why does that make me feel good?[/i]

She didn’t know, but it felt amazing. She rubbed the spot, her fingers teasing the edge of her new cock slit, making it swell on the outside as it started growing more and more real, going from just a hint of swelling and an indentation where the slit would be to a proper hole, and then –

Schlick.

The heads of her cocks started pushing out, getting longer by the second. The tips were more tapered than they had been before, less human, and they were definitely redder. They looked almost more like a dog’s red rocket, except a little more angular, less smooth and pointed than a canine’s cock would be. Lacking a knot, too.

She shivered as they slid forward, pushing out into the open air. It felt like returning to what she was supposed to be, even if it meant that she had both down there. She smiled, rubbing herself slowly, enjoying the feeling of them growing back in. That stiff, hard feeling inside was slowly rolling out, and it meant that she could almost feel the entirety of her cocks at all times, rather than just being aware of the stiffness outside.

As she touched them, rubbing around the shining tips, she felt…happy. It wasn’t complete yet, and she needed more, but…it was something.

[i]Do I want to be…[/i]

The idea of going full stingray, even for a short time, was a heady sort of decision. It was probably influenced by the drugs and the depression that she’d felt out in public, but at the same time, she couldn’t deny that it was a temptation. There was something that was missing in her life, and this offered her the chance to feel happy again.

Happy, wanted, safe, secure…

Strong…

Definitely strong, she realized. She could take the muscle growth stuff to get stronger and stronger until there was nobody that would be able to make her feel afraid out there again. Every shot could take her further down the road to being something bigger, better, stronger, someone that people could like, someone that she…

Someone that she could like again. Someone that she could like more than her old self, now that she realized what she could become.

[i]…Did I really…[/i]

Was that her problem, she wondered? Was that the reason why nothing had ever gone further than just a little bit of support? Was that why the old streaming work had never gotten that far, because she hadn’t had enough confidence and love for herself?

Was that the thing holding her back?

She looked at the chest again. She could become something so very different, something that felt so much better…but it would mean that she’d given up on her old self…Was that worth it? Was it really…

She reached down and touched herself again, holding her cocks in hand, running her fingers over her face, through her hair. It all felt better this way, but Amelia was still torn. The idea of taking that leap, of making it permanent, scared her. It felt like a betrayal, or something very near.

[i]Do I hate the old me that much?[/i]

Or was it that she loved the new her that much? She didn’t know, and the not knowing paralyzed her.

But…there was a solution.

Amelia slowly crept away from the chest, approaching the computer once more. It was still on, still online. After a moment’s hesitation, she forced herself to start typing into the chat for her stream. Specifically, she typed out a message to the group from last time, hoping that they would still be as supportive this time. She muttered under her breath as she typed.

“I’m going to be doing another stream in a week, after I’ve let a couple of things fade out again. I want to see you all there again, and we’ll see how far we can go. I’m tempted to go full stingray next time, maybe permanently…and I’d like you guys there to help encourage me, and help me decide,” she muttered. “Anyone that can make it, whether you want to donate during the stream or not, I’d really appreciate seeing you there. This is a big thing for me, and I want to make sure that I do the right thing. See you in a week.”

She tapped the send button before she could chicken out, and then leaned back. The schedule was set, and now, she would have to follow through. That meant that there was no backing out of this.

Somehow, the inevitability of it made her feel better. There was no stopping herself, now, no holding back, no making it something that she’d do eventually. She couldn’t just disappoint the people that had come out to help her before, and that meant that she would keep herself accountable.

[i]One week…[/i]

One week left, after which she might not be human anymore, or ever again, if she didn’t find a Recro-TF vial that would turn her back. It was something that should have been terrifying. Instead, it felt almost…soothing.

[b][u][center]The End[/center][/u][/b]

Summary: Amelia has an odd coming to terms with herself, learning how much she’s shifting the idea of herself the more that she changes.

Tags: F/solo, H/solo, Transformation, Hair Growth, Stingray, Human, Cock Growth, Double Cocks, Nudity, Embarrassment, Self-Realization, Discomfort, Judgment, Inhuman, Series,