FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

One should never look too deeply into a mirror, lest one begin to forget that it is only an image that they see. Something similar can be said of the human heart. Look for too long, and you will begin to see only that which you want to see.

Chapter Thirty Three : Honne and Tatemae

A thousand and one avatars were busy going about their daily lives, performing all of the functions necessary to maintain a living, breathing city. Some, existed for no more than a fraction of a second as their users found whatever information they were searching for and logged off. Others, maintained a semi-permanent presence as they interfaced with people more than half a world away.

For many of them, the tranquil monotony of their repetitious existence was suddenly and irrevocably shattered, when a living ball of fire had gone hurtling past them, and smashed itself into the streets below.

Landing at the edge of a crowd of frightened onlookers, Zane and Kato pushed their way through, only to be forced back as Phoenix let the flames that surrounded her entire body engulf her, effectively shielding her from sight.

Forced to cover his ears as the sorrowful sound of Phoenix's cries seemed to tear their way through his very soul, Kato turned to Zane and asked. “Is she going to be okay?”

“She will be.” Said Zane. “Given enough time, Phoenix's senses will return of their own accord.”

On their own? Staring into the heart of the inferno Kato asked. “Zane, this may not seem like a good time to ask, but . . . is there anything I can do to make her stop hating me?”

Awarding him with a wry smile Zane said in all seriousness. “To do that, you could start by saving her life.”

Stupid Kato. Thought Phoenix. Stupid Zane. Why is it that men are always such . . . such insensitive jerks! Ignoring the fact that she was starting to attract attention Phoenix let out another keening cry.

“He was not trying to be insensitive dear one.” Stepping into the circle of flames she had surrounded herself with, Zane began to reach out to place his hand against her chest. “He was simply being curious. And I suppose, that it is simply in his nature, the way that being protective is in yours.”

“Don't you defend him!” Snapping at Zane's hand Phoenix shouted. “He's nothing but an arrogant, egotistical, self-centered—”

“He is a client.” Said Zane cutting her off. “And no matter what his personal failings may be, he still managed to receive Midnight's recommendation, added to that is the fact that he is paying us to be here, and I see little for you to complain about.”

Shifting from one foot to another, Phoenix said meekly. “I still don't like him.”

“I don't recall anyone ever saying you had too.” Placing his hand against her chest, Zane said. “Now, the sooner we've finished our business here, the sooner it is we can go home.”

“Fine.” Phoenix sighed. “I suppose I'll just have to put up with him until then.” And just as quickly as they had flared to life, the flames surrounding her died down, leaving behind a transformed Phoenix in their wake.

A perfect counterpart to Zane's retro thirties style, Phoenix had shifted the appearance of her avatar to reflect a similar era in style. Dressed in red cocktail dress that had been made of flowing red fabric with solid gold feather trailing from her hair, she ignored the dirtier looks people were giving her as the crowd slowly dispersed.

“Well?” Tapping her foot impatiently She said to Kato. “What are you waiting for? You are the only one who knows where we're going.”

“Right.” Calling up a mental map of SynCity, He pointed to a nearby fountain and said. “Since it looks like we're in the middle of Sector Six. I'd say the way we need to go is—”

“Amateurs.” Shaking her head Phoenix just said. “Do you really think that you can just look around and point to where it is you want to go? What if what you're looking for is in another server, or inside someone's head. Haven't you ever been on-line before?”

“No.” Lowering his hand Kato said. “In fact, the only computer I actually have access to doesn't even connect to the net. When I asked for one that could, I was told that my need for such unnecessary things would only lead me into temptation. And that as a chimera, I should live being satisfied with knowing my place.”

“Unnecessary things?” Phoenix blinked as she tried to process the thought of being told that she couldn't have access to something as simple as the net. “Geez, you must have had it rough growing up. Personally, I don't think I could live without being able to come here at least once in a while. I mean, even if this place does have a habit of screwing with your head every now and again, its not like its always that bad.”

“Screwing with my head?” Kato looked to Zane and said. “Translation please?”

“Despite her, unusual tendencies to explain things in a way that only she can understand, Phoenix actually does have a valid point. Once the system starts to synchronize with your unique neural frequency, the changes will begin to happen automatically. Its a part of what makes Cyberside so unusually addictive. Falling simply, speeds up the process.”

“You mean . . .” Pointing up at the people who seemed to be enjoying the fact they were falling out of the sky, Kato said. “Everyone who comes here goes through that?”

Zane nodded that it was so.

“Damn. And here I was starting to feel . . . special?” Kato looked around. “No, no I don't think I need . . . why would I ever want . . . what would I even do with a . . . oh now that's just wrong.”

“What's the matter pussycat,” Said Phoenix, struggling not to laugh as Kato's face went from mildly disturbed to flat out disgusted. “Never had a voice in your head try to sell you something before?”

“Thankfully I haven't. And despite the fact that, yes, I am suddenly hearing voices inside my head. Most of which are telling me to, 'buy now, pay later,' or that, 'I may already be a winner.' I'm starting to wonder if the sole reason for you coming along was simply to find new ways to insult me, rather then the need to bring along a partner as you claimed.”

“Ooh, ooh,” Said Phoenix. “My personal favorite, is the one were they offer to sell you penis extensions! Have you heard that one yet?”

Horrified by the hundreds of offers he was suddenly hearing about enhanced performance and guaranteed satisfaction, Kato shouted. “Zane, what the hell just happened!”

“You're officially a part of the system now.” Said Zane by way of explanation. “So if you want them to stop, then all you have to do is close your eyes and visualize the word 'no.'”

Wanting the voices out of his head, Kato couldn't close his eyes fast enough. Breathing a sigh of relief the moment they stopped he said. “It worked.”

“Course it did.” Said Phoenix. “Now, if you want them back. Then all you have to do is visualize your bank account number.”

Kato's eyes snapped open. “No, no I don't think I'll be doing that any time soon.”

“Damn.” Muttered Phoenix under her breath. “Almost had him.”

“Yeah, you wish.” Said Kato before he emptied his mind of all unnecessary thoughts.

It started off as a simple enough task. All he'd had to do was visualize the path that would lead him where he wanted to go and to what he wanted to find, but the moment he closed his eyes, it was like being swept away.

Moving at a speed faster then he could follow, it seemed as if all around him, a constant stream of information was steadily flowing between people, changing hands as quickly as it changed minds.

Staring into the mouth of a river formed from the thoughts of others, Kato felt a moment of trepidation take hold of him. What if I lose sight of myself? He thought. What if I can't find my way back? Opening his eyes for a brief instant, Kato let the familiar sight of both Phoenix and Zane reassure him. That's why they're here with me. He reminded himself. To catch me if I start to fall.

Stepping into the flow, Kato found that it really was as simple as wanting, since, once the system understood what he wanted, it was more then eager to give it to him. But there was a danger in that too, because the more he ignored the temptation to lose himself in the flow of useless data and tried to focus solely on making his way through the endless whirlpools and eddies that seemed intent on dragging him into the depths of an almost endless sea of consciousness safely, the more it was beginning to feel as if someone had taken an interest in watching him.

“What the hell!” Shouted Kato. Dragging his mind back from the brink of the abyss that had threatened to open up and swallow him whole. “There are people watching us!”

“Of course there are.” Said Phoenix in patronizingly sweet tones. “This is the net. What else are they supposed to do with their free time. Mind their own business?”

“She isn't serious is she?”

Zane nodded that she was.

“That is just sick!” Unsheathing his claws as the very thought of having his entire life put on display for the entertainment of others made his fur stand on end Kato said. “What kind of twisted maniacs would get their kicks from watching a bunch of other people talk about nothing all day!”

“Don't knock it till you've tried it,” Said Phoenix. “Because you might find you actually like it. Besides,” She said with a shrug. “Now that your a part of the system, you can do it too. And best of all, its guilt free.”

Even though He hated to admit it, in the end Phoenix was right. The absolute anonymity provided by the net proved there were temptations even he could ill afford to indulge in, and with the potential to experience life in its infinite variety, there really was a undeniable sense of freedom. Even the simple act of having been able to fly, to have felt the wind as it wrapped itself around him, and welcomed him into the sky was an indescribable sensation.

And yet, something about it still felt wrong.

Watching as others walked past them, dragons and elves, humans and not, and all of them setting off to live out their own fantasies while seeking to carve out their own little corners of a world created entirely in cyberspace. Kato was reminded that no matter how much the world around him might have seemed like a suitable substitute for reality, in the end it was nothing more than an escape into fantasy, and no matter how satisfying such an experience might seem to be, when the novelty wore off, and reality once more encroached upon the dream, then they would awaken to find that that was all it had ever been.

But that's only what would happen if I tried to hide here. Said a voice in the back of his mind. What I want is different. What I want is . . .

A room slowly began to take shape around him. A room that was both alien and familiar at the same time.

Trying not to fall as a wave of disorientation washed over him, Kato forced himself to blink. Somehow, he had suddenly found himself standing in the middle of his bedroom.

I'm home but . . . how did I get here? I didn't visualize this, I couldn't have. Kato looked around. For one thing, my room has never been this clean, and . . . Kato growled low in his throat. “Real funny Phoenix! Jokes over Zane!” Ripping open the door to his closet He shouted. “Somebody, answer me!”

Only, there was no pile of dirty laundry mouldering on the floor, no secret compartment hidden inside the bed. There was even a photograph waiting for him on the dresser he had never seen before.

“This, this isn't real.” Said Kato, his mind trying desperately to make sense of what he was seeing. “It has to be some kind of mistake.” Reaching out with trembling hands, he lifted the photo tentatively. “It has to be.”

There's me, and mom . . . and, Staring at the third person in the photograph, at the face he knew as well as his own, Kato knew who it was. He was older, and the fur was a different color, but the markings, even the eyes were the same. Is that, my father?

Kato touched a clawed finger to the glass. No, its impossible. I've never even met him, so there's no way . . . my mind is only imagining what he looks like. But still . . . genetics like ours don't lie, they can't.

Holding the photo in his still trembling hands Kato had to know. What else was different? What else was the same?

Rushing through the manor in a blind panic, he almost ran straight past her.

“Oh, Kato.” Said a familiar voice. “There you are. Coming out of nowhere like that. You surprised me. Did you just get home? I didn't even hear you come in.”

Staring at the phantom image of his dead mother, for the first time in his life Kato knew what it was like to feel his heart skip a beat. “Mom? But how did . . .” Forgetting himself, forgetting everything, Kato buried his face in the nape of her neck and purred.

“Kato!” Sasha laughed as she returned his affection with a scratch behind the ears. “I'm happy to see you too, but . . . you aren't exactly a kitten anymore.” Seeing the frightened look he was trying to hide she asked him. “What's the matter Kato? You look like you've just seen a ghost.”

He couldn't say it. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to think of her as just another figment of his imagination. “You're alive.”

“Of course I am silly.” Sasha smiled as she indulged him in his fantasy. “Why wouldn't I be?”

“Never mind.” Shaking his head Kato said. “It doesn't matter.”

“Well, if your sure. Oh, that reminds me. I took a message while you were out. Now who was it from again?” Sasha's tail started swaying softly as she thought for a minute. “Lady, that was it. Such a nice girl. She said she was tired of waiting for you to find her, and that she would be coming here instead.” Sasha swelled with pride. “My little Kato's all grown up and looking to get married.”

Lady. He had promised to find her again hadn't he?

Closing his eyes, Kato desperately wanted to believe that everything he'd just heard was real. But he had to know, he had to ask. “The man in the picture.” He said at last. “Who is he? What's his name?”

“Why, he's your father of course. Speaking of which Takato should be getting home from soon. I know, why don't we phone your Lady friend, and invite her over for dinner?”

Takato . . . Morishita said that was his name. “And the song that you used to sing me, my lullaby. What was it called?”

Sasha's pleasant smile faltered. “I . . . I can't remember.”

And there it was, the proof that everything was a lie.

Kato felt his heart begin to break. “You can't remember, or you can't look it up?”

Sasha stepped back. “W-what do you mean?”

“Fur patterns are as distinctive as a fingerprint. Even an amateur like me would be able to find someone whose markings are a match for mine. All I'd need was a computer, and the ability to access Exotica Geno-Works main server.”

“Don't be silly Kato, who would—”

“Sasha Destrov died when I was young, and yet, you look exactly the same as the day I last saw her. If you really were my mother,” Kato clenched his hand into a fist. “Then you would have aged. You would have known the song she used to sing me was called Anata no Kioku!”

Kato, whenever your feeling lost and alone, then all you have to do is sing this song and remember all the good times we've shared. And no matter how far apart we may be, it'll be as if I'm standing right beside you. Anata no Kioku. It means, memories of you.

“This isn't fair.” Said Kato. “All of this is nothing more then an illusion, a lie I that would give anything to believe in.”

“And would that be so terrible? Here, you would never have to worry about feeling pain or sorrow ever again.” Wrapping her arms around him Sasha said. “Welcome home Kato. Welcome home.”

Back in what passed for the real world, both Phoenix and Zane had grabbed Kato by the arms. Using their own code as an anchor they tried to stop his mind from merging with the system completely.

“Dammit Kato. Whatever it is you're seeing . . . it isn't real! Its just a system glitch!”

“You pussy! Is this as far as you go? You really are gonna end up as a ghost!”

Phoenix . . . Zane . . .

They had tried to warn him, but he hadn't listened. And now their voices were simply too distant, too insignificant to compare to the wonders he was seeing now.

A family waiting to welcome him home. A place he could call his own. It was everything he had ever wanted. It was everything he knew he could never have.

Thinking about the all the terrible things he had experienced in the past, and knowing that if he so chose, that he could simply erase those memories, and choose to exist in a perfect world forever, the temptation to surrender to the never ending dream became almost more then his heart could bear.

“No.” Tossing the picture aside Kato raged inside the prison that was his own mind. “I don't want this.”

And yet, he knew that in order for the illusion to exist, some small part of him did.

Is this truly what my heart desires? To watch as my life slowly becomes a lie? To dream endlessly until the only thing left to me are the feelings of pain and regret? Fighting to gain mastery over his own soul Kato shouted the words. “I said I don't want this!” He cried. “I never wanted this.”

The illusion wavered but did not disappear.

Dammit! I won't be beaten here. I refuse! There's still too much for me to do, there are still too many people who are waiting for me! Touching the thread that was tied around his wrist, He felt the familiar weight of the promise he had made settle in around his shoulders as he closed his eyes and said. “Do people, do people ever just, abandon their bodies, and live here?”

Freed from the temptation he felt it was Zane who answered him. “All the time.”

Allowing himself one last glimpse of what could be paradise, before summoning an exit portal, Kato looked to the others and said. “Then let's get the hell out of here, before I too decide to join them.”