Ch. 33
Imported from SF2 with no description.
We sat for a while, Penance and I, and listened to the fire crackle. The cheerful little blaze oblivious to the mood. My hand kept on her, and for a while, she seemed content to just stay that way.
“Hey,” She said, looking up at me from the sand. “What’s it like?” She asked, to my obvious confusion. She laughed at the look I gave her. “Sorry. I mean… what’s it like with all your pokemon vying for your time?”
“I’m not sure what you mean.” I replied, as I sat up, stretching. “Help me understand?” I asked, as my shoulder popped. Penance winced at the sound and nudged me.
“Lay down, fair’s fair. I should be able to help. Wendy gets me to do this all the time.” She said, as she pushed insistently at me until I was lying in the sand. Her weight on my back was oddly comforting, and the kneading of her paws at my back was heavenly.
“I mean… is it difficult? Do they argue a lot? Or ask too much of you?” She asked, as her claws scratched lightly over me. She settled in and started to push, here and there. “It’s always just been me and her, so I don’t know… there’s a lot I don’t know and wish I did, I think.”
I nodded at that. “I think… I’m very lucky. It was Claire and I, for a very long time. I wouldn’t take any other pokemon, because I wanted to make sure she was completely comfortable first. Even before we were that close, I wanted to be sure that she never felt like she had to struggle to get my attention. That she knew I was doing my best to be there for her.”
Penance sighed, and pushed a little harder. “It used to be like that, for Wendy and I. She always had Staccato, and that never bothered me. Most of the time it was her and I. I never had to struggle to get her attention. Sorry.” She apologized, nuzzling into my back. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. When did things change?”
“Well,” I replied, as I stretched my arms out to the side. “She wanted to find a way to help me understand where she was, too. The truth was, she brought Tempest home to me before we even really were able to talk to each other. She needed a way to show me she was okay. That we could move forward together. I guess, thinking about it now, it makes a lot of sense. We were already so much different for each other than I think either of us could have expected.”
Penance paused, but whatever question she had wasn’t forthcoming, as her attention at my back renewed, I continued, but she seemed a little slower, thoughtful in a way she hadn’t been before. “But now there’s four girls to look after. That must take a lot out of you.”
“Oh, definitely. I’m always nursing bruises and cuts from training. I’m pretty tired most of the time. It actually got so bad that Tempest pulled me aside to talk to me about it. They’ve all been worried and need me to slow down a little.” I laughed at that, and shrugged a little, making her wobble on my back, finding her footing and hitting me with a paw.
“Hey, stay still. I’m not done yet.” She scolded, but got back to her work. “So finding you on the road like that… not unusual?”
“Not as unusual as it should be, no.” I admitted. “Still, I recognize how stupid it was. I won’t make the same mistake twice. I know better. There are no shortcuts. Only poor decisions and impatience masquerading as good ideas.”
“I can tell you shoulder most of the burden. If only by how hard your back is to rub. It feels like you’re carved out of bad wood! Nothing but knots!” She said, with a laugh, digging her paws in a little harder at a spot that had honestly been troubling me. “Still, I think… that’s probably how a good trainer should be. Even if you’re pushing yourself too hard, at least you’re not expecting them to carry the weight.”
“It’s going to have to change, at least a little. If Tempest is speaking up to worry after me, I can only imagine what the other three had to say about it beforehand.” I sighed, as she pushed hard, managing to get my back to pop. “Oh that’s the spot…”
“Yeah, I know. Now take a deep breath… let it out…” Again that hard pressure, her whole body moving in concert to make my spine stretch, two more and she hopped off, sitting beside me in the sand, her tail swaying slowly across it. “That’s right. You know you love it. You’re welcome!”
“So … I mean, nobody fights, if that’s what you’re wondering. Not over time with me, at least. We’ve had our ups and downs, all of us. Tempest’s evolution was a difficult time for us, and it took Claire a long time to get over how badly she hurt me. Mira and I used to struggle, and Cocoa definitely had a hard time at first, but… we keep trying.”
“It must be nice… I … really envy it, you know? Wendy… Never mind. I don’t really want to think about her right now.” Penance said, shaking her head and gazing out towards the sea. “Feel like a swim?”
“You kidding? As good as my back feels right now I feel more like a float.” I smiled at that, and hooked a thumb towards the tent. “I can go get changed though. I don’t mind. I should probably get a real workout in, anyway.”
“Nah, I …” Penance sighed, and shook her head. “It’s a good point. I think maybe you should just relax tonight and enjoy not hurting for a while.”
We spent a while just chatting, about the trip, about Tempest’s evolution, but she didn’t dig too deeply and I glossed over the worst of it. I figured she probably understood a lot of the things that were more understated, and I was grateful to not rehash it.
Conversation seemed to die when Wendy returned, with Staccato in tow. He laid down in the sand, without so much as a greeting, and sighed, as Wendy settled in nearby. I just got to work, and let the two be.
The whole night, I didn’t really say a word. I’d made us a good meal, and feigned tiredness I didn’t feel. I volunteered the tent, but Wendy and Staccato had already found a comfortable place, with her leaning against his side. He barely responded at all, just nuzzled against her and laid his head down in the sand again.
Penance was agitated, I could see her paws digging at the sand again, as she looked away. Looked anywhere but at them. Finally, she looked up at me. “Think I’m going to join you in the tent. These bugs are driving me crazy.”
I relayed it to Wendy, who just nodded, and shifted her shoulders, leaning back on Staccato. The two of us made ourselves scarce early, the sky hadn’t even finished growing dark.
“See what I mean?” She asked me, as I zipped up the tent. “Like I might as well not exist.” She said, through clenched teeth, visibly struggling to avoid digging her claws into the floor of the tent. “As if I didn’t matter at all.”
“Want to go back out and tell them off?” I asked, one hand still on the zipper. “I’ll back you up on it if you want. That was… that hurt me to watch.”
“No.” She sighed, and then stood up, meeting my gaze. “You know what I want?” She asked, a surprising firmness in her voice.
“I’m not sure setting them on fire is the answer you want.” I replied, with a teasing grin.
“Aside from that.” She paused, and grinned. “But I like where your head is at. No. Tonight, I’m going to get what I want, you’re going to give it to me, and tomorrow, I’m going to tell her I want to stay with you.”
“Wait. What? Aside from the obvious problems with spending a night with someone else’s pokemon, taking her away from someone who had done me every kindness isn't okay!” I replied in a hushed tense tone. “Penance, look…” I said, taking a seat next to her and pulling her close. She didn’t fight me, didn’t struggle, just met my gaze, quietly waiting as I pet her.
“I know you’re hurt. I know. I know you’re not happy… but I don’t… I don’t think this is going to fix it.” I said, with a sigh. “And I don’t want to just be some kind of rebound thing. That isn’t going to help anything, either. You know that, right?”
She stared at me, an expression of profound hurt, a quiet moment passing before she found her words. “You aren’t. I know how it looks, but you’re wrong!” She sighed, and shook her head. “Is it so hard to believe I think I’d be happier with you? Is it so hard to believe you make me happy, too?”
“I think you’re really hurt right now, and I don’t know how to help. I don’t want to hurt you worse, and I don’t want you to do something you’ll regret tomorrow.” I replied, pulling her close, to nuzzle against her cheek. An affection she returned, her tears falling against my skin.
“Is it so bad to just want to be happy?” She asked, pulling away to meet my gaze again. “Is it so bad to just want to be loved?” She asked, her quiet tears falling onto my hands. “Please…” She asked, her paw coming up on my chest, leaning in to kiss me. A kiss I didn’t refuse.
“Penance…” I shook my head as she pulled away, her taste lingering on my tongue, a hint of spice. “It isn’t wrong to want those things. But I … I can’t.” I emphasized, holding her still. “Claire needs me, I need to get her to our destination, no matter what. I can’t betray that. So I can’t tear you three apart.”
“I understand.” She said, with a sigh, as she hopped down from my lap. “I do. I … I wish they were that loyal to me.” She said, gesturing with her nose towards Wendy and Staccato, beyond the confines of the tent. “I’d … I’d give anything to have what your girls have.” She shook her head. “I’d give anything. I’d be anything. Anything it took just to know what that feels like.”
“I don’t ... “ I hesitated, the words died on my tongue, and I knew I couldn’t really refute her. I understood. It hurt me to see all the ways she was left to feel that. It hurt me to know. “I want to believe it isn’t like that. I really do. I don’t think Staccato is like that, and I want to believe Wendy isn’t… heartless. Just… ignorant.”
I sighed, my hands clenched tight, as I paced the tent. “I really want to believe that, and I understand why you don’t right now.” I stared at her for a long moment, my jaw working to form words I didn’t quite have. She didn’t rush me, just waited, while I struggled with it all.
“I understand why you think you’d be happier with me. Damn it all, do I understand… but I don’t... “ I stared to the tent flap and cussed bitterly. “Penance, I appreciate everything you’ve done, and all the care you’ve given. I appreciate your feelings and I understand how much you mean them. I do. But not like this.”
She let out a quiet whimper, and for just a moment, hesitated, looking up at me, before turning toward the tent flap. She took a step towards it, and sighed. “Thank you for your honesty.” She managed to say, her voice tight with frustration. “Thank you for always being honest with me. At least I get that much from you.”
I didn’t let her get away, my hands scooping her up before she could get out of my reach. She didn’t protest as I cuddled her in my arms. “Let me answer my obligation to Claire. Then after we get there, if you still feel this way? I’ll help you tell Wendy. We’ll all sit down and figure out what it means for us.” I leaned in to kiss her again, giving her all the affection I could. All I felt safe to.
Penance turned, meeting my kiss with hers, deep, passionate, her paws kneading at my chest. “I promise you, I will still feel this way. For the rest of my life, I will feel this way. If you’ll let me, I’ll stay with you, forever.”
I smiled at that, and stood up, carrying her to the sleeping bag. She didn’t object as I laid her down, and waited for me to ready myself for bed. She didn’t object to my nakedness, to my bare skin against her. Didn’t object when I gave her one more kiss, and held her in the darkness.
And I didn’t object to waking up the following morning, with her in my arms. She stretched, and yawned, looking up at me with nothing but joy in her eyes. She nuzzled against me as I stirred, and met my lips once more.
“Did you know you snore? It’s kind of cute…” She said, pushing her paw against my chest. “You also smell really… really good…” She whispered, nuzzling a little lower against my stomach. “I know you said no, but … I’d give anything for you to say yes, right now.”
I had never felt more torn in my life, and struggled with it in the silent, semi-dark of the tent. “Penance…” I whispered, even as she moved further still. But my half formed protest died before I needed to truly give it voice. She met my gaze, and nuzzled against my achingly hard length, before moving back up to kiss me.
“I know.” She whispered, her nose touching mine. “I know. But when the time comes… you’ll hold true to your promise? You’ll help me leave, and you’ll let me stay with you? Your partner, your friend, and… and please… everything else, too?”
“I won’t lie, Penance… I don’t really want to say no. But I can’t do it like this. Not as a secret, not as a knife in someone’s back.” I replied, ruffling the fur atop her head. “And I want to believe, even as hurt as you are, you don’t want it like that, either. Whatever happens, however things go, I think we owe it to ourselves, if nothing else, that we face things honestly.”
It was with those thoughts in mind that I dressed, and began to pack up the tent and sleeping bag. Penance left to sit by the fire as if nothing had happened, and even managed to seem cheerful as she greeted Staccato. I wished I could have faked it.