Ch. 31
Imported from SF2 with no description.
I fed them, before I locked them away again. I hated doing it. I hated every bit of doing it. But there was no way we could have covered the ground as quickly, and she needed us to be quick. Tempest reassured me, she wasn’t mad anymore. She realized as much as I did how far we’d come, how quickly we did it.
Mira and Cocoa just made me promise to keep finding time to share with them. Even if it was just when we slept. I didn’t want to be apart from them, at all. I was grateful they understood.
Wendy knew I was off when I came out, but she didn’t ask. Didn’t pry. Just took my hand and sat me down at the table. Brought me food, and coffee, and left Penance to keep an eye on me while she talked to the nurse and saw to Staccato.
Penance just stared up at me until I cracked.
“Nightmares. That’s all. Just … horrible, horrible nightmares.” I said, at last. I couldn’t shake it, couldn’t shake the feeling, or ignore the voice. I could hear it, I could hear it in my pulse, in the ringing in my ears. My head was already pounding. I could barely hold the cup, my hands were trembling so badly.
She put a paw on my leg, and whined. So I told her. I told her everything. More than I should have said. More than I wanted to. I told her what happened, the order of events. How worried I was to even let them out of my sight. Mostly, I told her I was afraid. Not of what was at the end of this journey… but what it meant, that I couldn’t keep her safe. Against a person? I could hold my own. I did fine. But I couldn’t protect them from other pokemon. I couldn’t even protect myself.
So what happened… what would happen if they weren’t strong enough to protect me? What would happen if they couldn’t manage to protect each other?
I was terrified. I felt sick. The coffee was on its way back up and all I could do was scramble across the room and all but dive into the trash can. The bitter smell of that coffee, bile, my own sweat, whatever was in the trash before I got there. All I could do was retch, and cling to the sides of the can as my stomach heaved and flopped.
The nurse and Wendy found me like that, Penance sitting by my leg, whining worriedly at them. Begging them through her own tears to hurry up and help me.
As if anyone could.
When I’d calmed down enough to stop heaving, the nurse pulled me into the furthest back room, and sat me down on the bed. Taking my pulse, looking over my wounds again, drawing blood. Everything.
I knew I wasn’t sick. She knew I was. We were at an impasse.
Finally, she sighed, and pulled a clipboard out from a drawer. “You know… I knew the first time I saw you, you were gonna be trouble.” She said, with a gentle pat on my shoulder. “What happens here, what we talk about, it stays here. Okay? I won’t tell anyone. But I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”
I laughed, bitterly. “Wendy found me half dead in the desert. I walked until I dropped. Before that, my best friend was attacked by a nidoking who thought he could just beat her down and take what he wanted. Yeah. Exactly how that sounds. And right before that, I was powerless to stop him. She evolved because I was too weak to protect her. All my training, all those fucking belts, those tournaments, those trophies, and for what? When it really mattered, I was useless.”
She shook her head, and just set the clipboard down. I just sat there. I couldn’t even cry. I wanted to. I just couldn’t. She stared at me as if she wanted to say something, or wanted me to keep going. I felt angry at her eyes fixated on me. It was stupid, and reactionary, but I couldn’t ignore it. I just felt my temper rise and I snapped.
“Oh, and before you ask? Yeah, before that, we were intimate.” I spat. “Every bit her choice, just like it was from the first time. Revoke my license, I don’t even care anymore. I just need to get her to her mother so she can get the help she needs right now.” I said, glaring at the wall, staring away from her. “That’s the only thing I care about. You can take these badges!” I said, plucking them off of my collar, tossing them onto the table in front of me, the metal bouncing and rolling across the hardwood, “You can take the fucking tablet out of my bag! But if it kills me, I’m going to make sure she’s okay. Now, do you have something to settle my stomach so I can get back on the road? Do you have something that’s going to stop me from having nightmares about all the ways I let everyone down? Otherwise, this is a waste of time and they need me to get going!” It was all I could do to not shout it. Half of it I almost growled through clenched teeth, willing myself to look anywhere but at the nurse. It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t her fault and she didn’t deserve my being angry being directed at her.
I don’t know why I said it. I don’t know what I was thinking. There were ten thousand different ways it could have gone wrong. But I meant it. I didn’t care anymore. About the license, about the training, about the badges, any of it. None of it meant a thing without her. We were a broken family. For all the love we might have had, without her there I felt completely lost. I knew we all did.
The nurse shook her head, and put her hands on my shoulders, made me meet her gaze. “They never left your side. Not for a moment. The whole time you were here, they stayed. We tried to coax them out, to get a little fresh air, some exercise. Take your badges? Your license? I’d be the first one speaking up to defend you. They’d have to fight me, first.” She shook her head again, and kissed my forehead. “Your friend, Wendy, too. I imagine. Your pokemon, of course, and probably a whole bunch of other people you wouldn’t have guessed at.”
She held me, and ran a hand over my head, just rocked me back and forth, and it felt like something broke, inside my chest. A few minutes ago, I couldn’t have cried if I wanted to. Suddenly, I couldn’t have stopped for the life of me.
She didn’t say a word, didn’t try and quiet me, just let me cry, just held me and let me cry until there was nothing left to cry. I tried to apologize for the mess I made of her coat, but she just shook her head, and pulled me back.
For the first time since I was knee high to a caterpie, I felt… small. Afraid, and hopeless, I clung to her coat, my hands clutching the fabric so tight I could feel my knuckles strain. I just wanted to be strong enough. To be strong enough to do the things they needed me to do. To protect them. To care for them.
I thought there was nothing left to cry, but somewhere between the broken sobs, and those bitter thoughts running through my head, the heat of my own shame and tears found their way free again.
And the nurse just held me until I calmed down. Didn’t ask anything. Didn’t say a word. Just held me. When I finally had control of my own breathing again, she finally let go, let me sit up, and handed me the badges I’d plucked off of my shirt.
“I promised you what you told me stays in this room. I can’t speak for anyone else. I can’t tell you what they’d think. But you’re a good trainer. They never left your side. Whatever you all are doing, I know how much it means to them to be with you. So it’s between you and them. I know you won’t do anything to hurt them, and I know they’d do anything to keep you safe.” She said, curling my fingers around the badges. For a moment, she was very quiet, then she sighed and met my eyes. "As a doctor, and as an advocate for pokemon the world over, it's my job to protect them when the people who should have, don't. There are health risks and safety risks, and I'm telling you in my professional capacity, you shouldn't. But I know that won't change anything. You love them as much as they love you. Just be careful. For everyone's sake, be careful."
“My medical license says you need to stay, at least one day. Medicine, and bed rest, and a good meal and a hot shower. That you really need to talk to someone. But the mother in me knows you’re strong, and you’ll make it. I won’t force you to stay. Maybe I should, but I won’t. But … you’re welcome here, anytime.” She smiled, and jotted down a few notes on her clipboard, before tearing part of the page off, handing it to me.
“Call me, if you get in a bind. Or if you don’t. I want to know that things are okay.” She said, as she opened the door. “Just… let me know you’re okay. Otherwise I’m going to worry.”
It took me a few minutes to make my way back to the lobby. Wendy took one look at me, and shook her head. “We’re not going anywhere. Not until you get a real meal and actual rest.”
I tried to protest, but Staccato stared me down. “I. Said. No.” He stated sternly, his gaze locked to mine. “Tomorrow, I’ll run until I can’t take another step, if that’s what it takes to convince you. Today, we stay here. Or you’re on your own.” I didn’t need to ask. He absolutely meant it.
Penance whimpered, one paw at my shin, and all I could do was laugh. “Even you?”
“Even me.” She replied, sitting at my foot, staring up at me.
The nurse laughed. “I guess I don’t need to worry about you, after all. I’ll trust you three to take care of him, until he’s got his head on straight. Okay?” She asked, smiling gently at Wendy who nodded in return, taking my arm and nudging me back to the recovery room I slept in the night before.
When I let Tempest out, she took one look at me, and pushed me to the bed, herself, crawling in beside me without a word. She held me, and though I doubt she slept at all, the weight of her arm across me, the warmth of her in my arms, the steady rise and fall of her chest held close to me, it all lulled me to an inky black, dreamless sleep.
When I woke up, Tempest was sitting beside me, holding Claire’s pokeball. She smiled, as I sat up, and took my hand. “No more running yourself ragged.” She said, her crimson-tinged eyes locked to mine. “Not for training, not for travel, not for this. Neither of us want that. None of us do. We’ve been worried, for a long time, Master… We need you to stop this. To stop doing this to yourself.”
I cried again, a little. It wasn’t the deluge it had been before. She just moved close, pulling me into her arms. Strong, and confident, the weight of them around my back. The pinprick of her claws at my shoulder. Her warmth, the softness of her fur. I felt … safe. I felt so safe.
She sighed, and nuzzled against me. “There are four of us. One of you. It’s not fair that you keep trying to keep up with all of us, all the time, every day. It’s not fair that you ignore all of your hurts and fuss at ours. It’s not fair that you pretend you aren’t hurting, aren’t lonely, aren’t afraid. We don’t need you to be perfect. We don't want you to be perfect. Stop doing that, and we’ll all be a lot happier. All we want is for you to trust us.”
With a little laugh, she hopped up from the bed, and walked to the door. “And no more skipping meals. I can tell, master! You’re going to get some food, right now. I’ll be right back.”
It was a lot to think about. To realize the position I had put them in. As much as I asked from them, I demanded even more from myself. It was unhealthy. She was right that I’d been doing a poor job taking care of myself. I couldn’t argue it. Wouldn’t have. She wanted me to slow down, to be gentle with myself. If that’s what they wanted, I’d just have to try.
I had no concept of time until I dug the tablet out of my bag. It was late in the evening. I had slept all day. I couldn’t believe I had slept that long, but I could only imagine how much I needed it. I couldn’t imagine what there’d be to eat at that hour, but when Tempest came back, she had a tray full of food. Fish and rice, and vegetables. Even a big sweet bun and fresh fruit. She sat next to me, and hummed a few notes of the love song I sang to her.
“So…” She trailed off. “That little growlithe seems to have taken to you. The girl, too. As soon as they saw me up and about, they started asking about you.” She said with a laugh. “The rapidash was a little sulky.” She added with a grin.
“I’m not about to step on his…” I paused, thinking about it. “Hooves, I guess. The girl’s off limits.” I said, with a chuckle. “He has a bit of a love/hate thing going on there.”
“That explains it, then.” She said, her heavy claws making short work of the orange peel while I all but inhaled the rice. “Good luck to them. She seems largely oblivious.”
“About a few things. I’ve been trying to help them all understand each other a little better. Least I could do, you know?” I replied, with a chuckle. “I’ve made worse friends, but I can’t help but think they’re in for some rough days before they really figure each other out.”
“As opposed to what, knowing each other and still having a thousand problems?” She teased, pushing my shoulder a little, before feeding me a segment of the orange she’d peeled. “Still… as long as we can face them all together, that’s okay.”
I smiled at that, and reached out, my hand taking hers. “And you say you wouldn’t make a good idol. Put that in a song and you’ll have them fawning over you.” I replied, with a little kiss on her nose.
“I’m serious.” She replied, nuzzling into my shoulder. “I know how hard you took all of this, but you’re not alone. We’re all here waiting for a chance to help. So let us have our chance, whatever it is we can do. Even if it’s just a meal and a hug. Stop trying to do everything on your own.”
I laughed. “Work in progress.” I admitted, but we were both smiling about it, as I finished up the meal, and savored the little bits of fruit she fed me.
She pushed me back, to lay down on the bed, and sat beside me, her heavy hands running over me, a soothing, gentle familiarity shared between us. Long, quiet, happy minutes passing in that loving gesture.
“You know... “ She paused, taking the tray and setting it on the table next to the bed. “I know you just ate, and it’s a little early… but it is just us.” She teased, trailing her hand down my chest. “And it’s been a little while, hasn’t it?”
I laughed at that, but didn’t stop her. “If you can be gentle, and not too loud…” I whispered, pulling her close to kiss her, deep and soft and longing. I wasn't terribly interested in the sex, for its own sake, but feeling her close... feeling her in my arms and knowing she was there, for the sake of being there for me? I needed that. I needed it with all my heart. In that moment, we shared something I knew we both needed, and both understood. It wasn't the kind of passionate lovemaking we had shared so often before, but rather, the touch of love and familiarity that took away the sting from all the other things in the world. Shielding me and being protected in turn from all the ways we were both hurting.
Tempest was surprisingly gentle, and lulled me back to sleep in her warm, slightly damp embrace afterward. For the first time in a while, I felt safe. Happy. The last thing I saw was her contented expression, her eyes sliding closed after looking into mine once more. Her heartbeat in my ears, and the gentle idle stroking of her hand on my head lulling me to sleep.
Things were going to be just fine.