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From the moment Samel told me about his interest in Alex, I wasn’t sure if I dreaded the day I’d meet him or not. I figured it would’ve been soon, but both he and Samel were busy. They went on dates and I heard all about it, things were definitely moving for them and that excited me.

But after a month and a half of waiting, it happened. I came home from work and Samel was lying on top of him, shirtless on the couch in our living room. I tensed up, though my eyes prowled Alex’s body. He was a young wolf, just a smidge taller than Samel with a fluffy winter coat. His brown fur sheened with health and youth. I felt my body react to the softer fur of his belly, I wanted to flinch away from the arousal.

Samel pulled himself to his feet and giggled nervously. “Hi. Davie, this is Alex.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Think I was less prepared for you to be on top than for him to be here.” I barked a laugh as Samel looked away, flustered. “Nice to meet you.” I nodded and resumed plainly staring at the wolf’s bare chest.

Alex rose to his feet. “You too.” His gaze flicked to where his shirt was crumpled on the floor. “Sorry, thought Samel had let you know we might be here.”

“Nah, you’re good.” I grinned. “Carry on. I’ll go elsewhere.” My heart thumped awkwardly in my chest. “Or watch,” I added with a wink. I regretted it immediately, I had no idea how Alex would react to that sort of banter.

The wolf opened his mouth to reply before he finished processing what I’d said. He paused, made a sound and then laughed awkwardly. “I know something better than watching.” His voice was stronger than I expected. I think I already knew I wanted to shove my cock deep in his ass but couldn’t acknowledge it until he propositioned me.

My cock throbbed in my pants. “Yeah?” I cut my gaze to Samel, the tiger was nodding. I let my hands drift to my belt. “I can drop these right now, but maybe we should talk first?” That took restraint. I wanted to know what his tongue felt like. I was breathing heavy.

Alex nodded, Samel wore the look of overwhelm he reserved for when a situation was beyond him. I hadn’t seen that in a while. I pulled up a chair opposite the couch and watched as they sat like I was about to interview them. I let my gaze rest on Samel, I could already tell he’d intended to lead this but had frozen up at the final hurdle.

I could carry his slack, but I’d do it in my own way.

“How have you found him?” I grinned at Alex.

“Loose, but I see why now,” he shot back. My grin widened, I think that was all I really needed to hear. He had my approval already.

“Does he actually top?” I knew Samel could, but whether or not he did was a very different question.

Alex shrugged. “When he feels like it.”

“Aye, he’s pretty good at it.” I had to stifle a chuckle as Samel fidgeted. I did know a bit about Alex’s sex life already. He was a Fowling business bigwig’s puppy, a point which proved to be the springboard for Samel and Alex’s friendship as they opened up to each other about atypical relationships.

I wasn’t entirely sure what I expected of the wolf, but I liked what I was seeing.

“We should try uh, talk about the three of us.” Samel nudged the conversation on course with the elegance of an injured hawk. “I’d like it if we all got on and felt comfortable doing things together.” He picked up a bit of steam.

“No complaints here,” I replied.

“Same.” Hearing the wolf’s eagerness again felt like crossing a threshold. I saw no reason to beat around the bush.

“Shocker.” I stood, my belt already undone. I kicked out of my pants. “Doubt you’d be here if any of us felt otherwise.”

Alex’s eyes glittered as he sized up the bulge my semi had made in my boxers.

“Wh-” Samel furrowed his brow. “Wait, I want to say something else.” We both waited. “You guys don’t need to y’know, get too acquainted if you don’t want to.”

“I’m not going to argue if someone else wants to suck my cock.” I wondered if I truly meant that as I said it. I wouldn’t protest to either of them, but I would fight myself. A smile flickered on Alex’s face, he did want to suck my cock. I stared him in the eyes as I adjusted my junk. He licked his lips.

I think I’d gotten ahead of myself.

A surge of repulsion rose within me. I shouldn’t welcome this, not again.

“Good.” Samel beamed at me. “I um, really want you both to get along.”

“I’m sure we’ll DP you to your heart’s content.” I waved him off to try disguise the audible grating in my voice. I burned spoons to present a guise of bravado because if I backed out now I’d only distress Samel.

That one seemed to make Alex blush, he tucked away a grin and had to stare at a wall for a moment. It tickled my heart to see how easily I could push their buttons.

Don’t do that.

The thought clattered through my mind. It was laced with such judgement I swear I could’ve heard it in my father’s voice. I took a deep breath. It was just sex. I was doing it for my boyfriend so he could be happy. And I could be… I wasn’t sure. Any suffering I faced now would only feel like atonement for what I’d done.

In my mind’s eye, I could see Samel awkwardly guiding us to initiate things. Instead, Alex sprung to his feet, walked directly over to me and smiled into my eyes as he placed a paw over my crotch. “Yeah?” His eyes twinkled as he rubbed me through my boxers.

I exhaled and stared down at him. Blood rushed to my waist. Samel squeaked and put a hand on the wolf’s back, he was beaming ear to ear and nodding encouragement towards me. I hooded my eyes and wore a stern expression. “Don’t tease me.” I made my voice gruff despite the flittering pleasure in my chest. “You want to suck it, you suck it.”

My cock throbbed as the wolf knelt, his subservience offered without a lick of hesitation. There were pins and needles in my fingertips as Alex nosed at my crotch. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t be allowing this, but it was what Samel wanted and the wolf was eager too. I wasn’t sure if I wanted another 20-something bouncing in my lap.

But there was satisfaction in watching him rub himself into my boxers anyways. He tugged at my underwear, my fat cock pulsed as he nuzzled it. His breath was warm, his fur was soft and tickled against my tender flesh. I exhaled low and thrust against his face. Why was it so damn appealing to have a younger guy treat me like this? Fuck. I growled as I hardened to full mast.

Alex licked the underside of my cock and I groaned. As a wolf, his tongue was smoother than Samel’s but the difference in texture only excited me further. I could have both. I shouldn’t. But I could. Alex circled his tongue around my tip, I exhaled and rubbed myself into his muzzle. He moaned as he took a few inches of me in his mouth. His snout was longer than Samel’s and all I could think about was tickling his tonsils.

My boyfriend stepped forward to kiss my neck. I made a sound and stared down on the two young guys pleasing me. Maybe I deserved this. My reward for keeping afloat this long in a world that clearly wasn’t made for me.

I tugged Samel by the arm and pulled him behind me. He knew what I needed. His whiskers brushed my asscheeks. A weighty exhalation fell from my lips. “Go on.” I thrust a little further into Alex’s muzzle. The wolf took it with a whimper. Samel’s coarse tongue brushed over my asshole. A shiver went through my entire body as the different pleasures mingled in my belly. “Fuck yeah.”

I dropped a hand on the wolf’s head, his ears twitched and he opened his eyes to stare up at me. “Don’t be so fucking careful.” I pressed on the back of his head, I swear I saw amusement flicker in his stare before he worked himself down on me with brazen intent.

I placed my other hand atop Samel’s head and crammed him into my ass crack as I squeezed Alex into my crotch. My head fell backwards and I moaned loud. “You fucking freaks.”

Samel’s tongue lashed deep inside me, I felt Alex’s throat constrict around my thick cock as he gulped. I jockeyed their heads in a coarse attempt to wring more pleasure out of them. They both grunted and worked harder to please me, the satisfaction of controlling them made my belly glow.

My stomach clenched as I gave into the pleasure and moaned on each coarse exhalation. Samel’s tongue curled deeper into me as Alex gagged himself on me. The warmth of the wolf’s mouth left me trailing pre over his tongue as I thrust into his muzzle.

I exhaled hard. “Fuck.” My cock throbbed deep in Alex’s throat. I nudged him back. Samel paused to look at what I’d done. I took a deep breath as I sat on the couch. Alex wasted no time cosying up beside me, his face in my crotch as he licked his own spit off of my cock.

I shut my eyes and moaned. I heard Samel approach. Arousal flared within me as he lay against me too.

They both licked me. Coarse tiger tongue on the left, firm wolf tongue on the right. I lay there in utter bliss, smiling dreamily down on the two boys. Fuck yeah. I cupped Samel’s balls in one hand and tugged them idly. I stuffed a finger in Alex’s hole. He whimpered and pitched forward to moan into the base of my cock before he started lapping at me again.

They both nosed at me, their tongues slipped around my shaft as they tried to lick each other too. It added both a tenderness and an irregularity to both of their motions that only excited me further. Uneven waves of contact and pleasure rolled through my entire body.

Pre oozed from the tip of my cock, I watched in awe as they discovered it and fought for the right to lick it off of me. Fuck. I made a low sound that brought a grin to Samel’s face. He knew what that meant– I was ready for more, but fuck me was it good to linger over the warm, wet touch of their tongues.

I ground my finger into Alex and set my thoughts on what he’d feel like to fuck. He was some rich cunt’s puppy, so he’d be broken in. He knew his way around a big dick. My breath turned into a primal growl as his tongue curled around the tip of my cock. Samel nosed at the underside of his chin and licked his neck before he circled back to drag his tongue across my nuts and up my shaft.

“Fuck yeah.” I was breathless as I stared at both of them working me. I felt like such a pervert, even adding their ages together they’d be younger than me. I humped at the air and they both adjusted to let me glide evenly across their tongues.

I grunted and jammed a second finger into Alex’s hole. He whimpered and raised his rump to push me in deeper. His voice broke into a drawling moan and as he left my cock to Samel. The tiger shifted to swallow me. I grabbed Alex by the shoulders and yanked him onto my chest. His tail quivered over Samel’s ears as my boyfriend nuzzled my pubes.

My hands cupped the wolf’s ass and spread him, my fingers prowled his crack and circled his hole. “Like that?” I growled into his mouth as I kissed him. Alex shivered and kissed me back, I felt the tight skin of his asshole clench. I bit his muzzle. His eyes flashed open.

Samel purred. Pleasure ricocheted through me in rumbling waves of pleasure that made me gasp. I came close, so, so close to finishing as I stared into Alex’s eyes.

I kneed Samel away and panted. Alex kissed me. Too much stimulation. I pulled him away from my mouth and grinned through heaving breaths. “Nasty boy.” I pulled myself back from the brink of an orgasm and shuffled the wolf down my body so his cheeks rested against my cock.

Alex whimpered and nuzzled my chest. Samel reached between us, his paw wrapped around my cock as he guided it towards the wolf’s quivering hole. I growled low as I felt contact. I pressed my dick into him and gasped over how readily his body accepted me.

Alex’s muzzle twitched, he shut his eyes and made a breathy groan that curled in pleasure as I forced him down by the shoulders. Inch after inch of my cock spread him and despite his wild, jumping moans he stayed relaxed as I forced him to bottom out.

I nudged him forward, fuck I had to see him take me.

My entire body reacted to the sight of my thick cock spreading the wolf’s hole. That boy was not tight. I could feel how much he’d been fucked and the thought of squirting a load to add to the perversion of his body only thrilled me more.

I wanted to empty myself into him. Repeatedly. I wanted him to lick my cock clean. I wanted to sleep with him and catch the scent and sight and taste of his used hole the morning after. And then I wanted to take him again. I wanted him drenched in my sweat. I wanted to use him in every way I’d used Samel.

The tiger’s coarse tongue lapped at my armpit. Arousal flared through me in volatile plumes of pleasure as Samel drew my awareness back to how sweaty I was. How the scent of me filled the air. I shuddered and moaned. This was my future if I wanted it. Two boys obsessed with my body, who’d please me whatever way I wanted.

I anticipated a reaction of disgust from that thought, instead my entire body bristled. Pleasure amplified in my mind as I grasped just what exactly I was doing.

Samel’s muzzle pressed firmer against my pit as he only licked me more eagerly. I lifted my arm to give him easier access to the stink of my body. Alex stared in wonder. I bucked my hips and he yelped. He was used to taking guys of my size. “Loose.” I snarled the word. “Slut.”

Alex could only moan a response as I started thrusting into him. His body squeezed pleasure into me. I felt Samel’s tongue against my armpit and lost it. I growled as I humped harder into the wolf. His entire body jerked with each thrust. My balls lifted from the couch and patted against the fabric in a ceaseless rhythm.

Samel kissed me, he tasted so intensely of me. And so he should. So should both of them, fuck. I had to shut my eyes, senses boomed through my mind as pleasure crackled through my entire body. Greed capsized my thoughts. I lunged to my feet and held Alex in my arms with ease. Samel yelped and moved out of the way as I stomped towards the bedroom, making distracted thrusts into Alex between steps.

We staggered over to the bed. I lay us both down inelegantly. I know I crushed him under my weight, I felt his body tense, his arms guarded his chest to try make room for him to breathe. And I felt like the nastiest thing alive for how that made my belly glow.

I slammed into him repeatedly, the bed creaked as I pounded his hole. My balls slapped against his ass with each thrust and though the motions were intense and chaotic, my ass was exposed. And my stupid pathetic slut of a boyfriend knew what could bring me completeness in this moment.

Samel lunged forward to lick my sweaty hole. My cock throbbed, I loved my fucking tiger slut. I crashed back against his muzzle with each thrust but he braced his hands against my hips and nuzzled into my crack to lap at my hole.

I paid him no mind, I didn’t slow, I didn’t ease my thrusts to let him eat me out I just kept fucking his crush. My fingers buzzed with energy, my heart thumped in my chest. I bore my entire weight down on Alex and fantasised over how trapped he was. How full of my cock he was. Of how my sweat would be gathering on his fur. How he’d stink of me. Like my property. Like my boyfriend. These two pathetic boys were here for my pleasure alone.

My vocalisations turned to groaning howls as I felt Alex go weak under me. His head fell to one side, his tongue hung loose from his lips and he stared through a creased mask of overwhelm.

Like lightning crashed through my brain I found energy I didn’t know I had. I went harder. My hips and back ached as I worked muscles that needed rest. I pistoned my cock so deep inside of him I wanted his body to never forget the mark I was leaving.

And that was it. That thought. That I could somehow permanently change him by fucking him hard once. That was it. I shouted slurs. I bore my weight even harder down on Alex and my cock throbbed so hard I felt his hole constrict around me.

A jerk went through my entire body. I sprayed cum deep into him. Pleasure ruptured my mind and left me dizzy as I carried forward with momentum that wouldn’t cease. I humped him until I squelched in my own spunk. I came to a ragged, panting stop.

Samel’s coarse tongue still swept over my asshole in uneven, hungry strokes. It was too much. I lay there in a sweaty puddle over Alex’s body. The wolf waited, helpless but spent as I basked in the afterglow. As I rolled off of him, Samel dove into his arms and kissed him eagerly. Alex made weak sounds as he folded into the embrace.

I stared for a time as my boyfriend made out with his lover. Samel shifted to lick Alex’s spunk off of his chest. I hadn’t even noticed he’d finished. Both of them became entangled in each other’s bodies. Samel’s purr almost brought a lick of jealousy out of me. There was satisfaction to be found in witnessing this, but as my passion faded I found harder thoughts.

Should I even be here? Was I selfish to have fucked the wolf? Had I used him? I winced at the thoughts but they kept coming. Samel’s mouth would’ve tasted like my sweat. Alex growled as he thoughtlessly ground his tongue against the tiger’s.

I scowled. I didn’t want to be a part of what they shared. I tried to rise from the bed. Samel broke his kiss and pulled me by the arm into a shared embrace.

Alex kissed my neck, my jaw, my lips. Was I some kind of demon to end up here? No, I wasn’t. I had to chase the thought. I was here for Samel and I knew exactly what he expected of me. It took effort but I forced my tongue into the wolf’s mouth and braced a hand against the back of his head. Alex moaned and ground his naked body against mine with more desire than I’d expect from someone who just got railed.

There was something frustrating about how he reacted to stimulation, he exaggerated everything just a little bit. It was hard to tell at times, but it felt like a performance nonetheless. “You don’t have to do that.” I kept my voice soft as I broke the kiss. Samel tensed, but Alex drew in a steadying breath.

“Good to know.” He flopped back against the pillows. His recognition of what I was pointing out gave proof to the fact he was acting. “Figured you wanted it.”

“Didn’t.” I sounded more tart than I meant to. “I thought you wanted it.” I directed the statement at Samel. The tiger’s lips twitched.

“You two okay?” he asked. I nodded, Alex furrowed his brow. My heart fell. I was an obstacle and I knew it.

“Hard to fight the puppy impulse.” Alex rubbed at his forehead. “I’m sure Samel’s mentioned.”

I nodded, the motion a bit stiff. Samel’s eyes flicked to me, away, and then back. The double take nearly made me flinch as the slightest frown tugged at the corner of his mouth. He’d seen the stiffness, my mouth went dry.

“Feels like I need to.” Alex bit his lip.

“I don’t want a puppy.” I snorted. “I don’t even want you if this sort of thing doesn’t bring you comfort.” Fuck. Too harsh, too much, shouldn’t have said that now with my load in him.

His eyes widened, then he laughed. “Damn.” His gaze rolled to Samel. “You weren’t kidding.”

“Hm?” I glanced between them.

“I uh, let him know you could be… direct.” The tiger sounded awkward.

“It’s great.” Alex wriggled against my side. “Can you put your arm around my back? And just forget I’m here.” I could hear how touch-starved he was in that moment, my heart panged. Doubtless he had more than enough physical contact in his life, but not the sort he craved. He didn’t need some pervert trying to taste his throat, he needed someone to respect him.

I could do that. I should've been doing that from the start, a lurch of anxiety spiked within me but I stifled it. I would do it now and continue to do it for as long as he needed me to.

I didn’t nod, I didn’t voice my assent. I let my arm cup his back, his body swelled with a deep breath and I could feel his muscles slacken when he exhaled. I turned my gaze on Samel. “I think I like him.” The idea came to me too fast to ignore it. They seemed to click well enough but I could nudge them along. I should nudge them along and once that was done, they wouldn’t want me anymore.

A smitten smile flashed on the tiger’s face. “I’m glad.”

“He’s sweet, he’s cute. Maybe a bit in his head, but who isn’t? I’m happy for you.” I paused. “Oh, I like that he’s assertive. You need that, you’re too much of a little bitch otherwise.” I think I grieved my own relationship as it slid through my fingers but all that mattered to me was that I sounded strong and sincere.

Samel’s jaw dropped for just a moment, his eyes cut to Alex then back to mine. My stupid tiger slut didn’t have the tact to acknowledge the wolf’s request to be forgotten. “Thanks.” I could hear how much his cheeks burned in his voice.

“I don’t even have anything to add or to say. Just go for it, I think he’s as good of a fit for you as you’ll ever find.” I spoke with confidence. Alex twitched, his fingers pressed a little firmer against me. He was excited, his tail patted against the mattress as he wagged it. Still, I ignored him. Samel made a flustered sound. “I want you to be happy with him and I don’t feel like I’ll be bothered by any of it. I want you to have someone you can relate to better. I want you to have someone so sharp and supportive.” It was the brightest green light I could give and also the truest words I’d ever spoken to him.

I knew I was testing both of their limits for restraint, Alex’s ears were poking up like he needed to really listen to every tiny shift in my enunciation. Samel looked like he wanted to gush, but couldn’t bring himself to do it in front of Alex. I smiled to myself, one last piece to it. An affirmation I wouldn’t up and leave, one that’d be easily forgotten. “And maybe I do like having another hole to fill,” I added. Once they were together, once they were settled and happy with each other I’d be free from this noose.

“Alright.” Alex cleared his throat and sat up. He peered down on me, his emotions masked. “Tell me very plainly what you expect of me.”

I looked him in the face, blinked and spoke. “That you be good to Samel. Don’t really give a shit about the rest.” I stretched and clapped Samel on the back. “What I know though, is if you hang around we’ll fuck but that doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to.” I shrugged, words lined up on my tongue before I thought them through. “You should tell me if you want it to mean something.”

Did I want it to mean something? My heart pounded for a moment, the sound roared in my ears. Seriously, did I want it to mean something?

I thought I was setting them up but the prospect suddenly reared before me, what if he did? I could have another… Anxiety blossomed in my skull, but not the sharp kind that sliced my ego to pieces. The exciting kind. The one that tugged at my jaw. The one that wanted me to reach for possibilities I hadn’t yet considered.

Don’t consider them. It was just an obsession. A lone thought that echoed through the nebulous space inside my skull. I knew how to handle them, exposure and response prevention had formed the bedrock of any mental stability I could claim. Walk away. It was one of a million thoughts that could cross my mind and just because it had crossed my mind didn’t mean I needed to consider it further.

I knew I shouldn’t do this again, not with another guy so young. It would be best if I left this situation entirely but I couldn’t now. I glanced at Samel, hoping he’d see my desperation to flee this moment. He didn’t.

Alex furrowed his brow. “I don’t.”

“Good.” I exhaled, relief and regret vied for dominion over my stomach. I rubbed Samel’s shoulder to try to hide the fact that I was starting to shake. “And you?”

“Uhh. Dunno. Whatever works, I guess.”

“Cool.” I swung my head back to Alex, my mask fell back into place. “You get used to him not knowing anything.”

The wolf chuckled. “That’s a shame, he’s meant to be my tutor.”

I snorted. “Short straw, it happens.” It felt like the most natural thing in the world to lift a hand to his chin and scritch the sensitive spot under his jaw. He shuddered, the motion complete with an unforced whimper he tried to stifle. “Ah fuck.” I withdrew my hand and sighed. Alex looked confused, like he longed for more. “I can be pushy. Do you want me to be cute with you or is that too much?”

No wild thoughts heckled me on the heels of that question. I took a deep breath to steady myself.

Alex looked floored by the question. He thought for a moment. “Be cute with me.” He wrinkled his nose. “A lot. Please.” He kept his voice under control but his eyes sparkled.

I pursed my lips. I wanted to give him what he wanted, but could I? That obsession picked at the edges of my thoughts, different this time. Not what if he wanted a meaningful relationship with me, but rather what if one formed anyways?

I didn’t even have a chance to respond before Samel dove on me. He planted a dozen kisses across my face. “This is amazing,” he whispered in my ear. I rubbed at his back, a golden glow wreathed my chest. It thrilled me to make him happy, I’d spent years hoping this moment would come eventually.

I had to be careful, and for once that meant honest. “Just so you know.” I kept my gaze on the wolf. “I’m no good at giving affection without all the rest.” No matter what he said, I was glad I’d set his expectations.

He tilted his head. “Maybe I’m less bothered by that than I thought I’d be.”

Uhoh. I blinked. He wasn’t- he’d just said he didn’t want something meaningful. He wasn’t meant to say that. The obsession thundered through my mind and burst into a nauseating lump of anxiety which threatened to unbalance me entirely. I had to turn it away.

There existed in my mind a set of acrid, rotten memories I’d remembered and re-remembered so many times to scald my thoughts when they went too far astray.

I remembered sitting on my bed at 4am, my father stood in the doorway to my room with disapproval burned into his features. I could feel the dirty shame of a hookup like a layer of grease across my skin, I hated that he’d seen me then. I was so utterly disgusted with myself for being like that.

I remembered Borris tightening a rope around my wrists before he read to me an excerpt from one of his taboo novels while idly jerking me off with his free hand.

I remembered staring into the eyes of a lynx in an alleyway outside of a bar, so lost in lustful imaginings that I knew it in my heart that my boyfriend at the time was fully in the right for breaking up with me. My weakness revolted me, knowing how I spent the months that followed that lost in the throes of a hypomanic crush.

I remembered texting a different ex exposing pictures Samel had sent me in the idiotic confidence only someone who hadn’t been hurt could so shamelessly present to a stranger. I burned in that memory. Samel claimed to have forgiven me, I was never convinced that was entirely true. It was proof I deserved all of the guilt I’d ever carried.

Other, smaller moments flickered before my mind’s eye. In an instant two things happen.

The first, was that I’d succeeded in replacing the obsession and all of its anxiety-inducing potential with self-hatred, guilt and shame. The second, was that I jolted myself entirely out of the moment.

I felt like a ghost between them. The moment stretched, I knew I was meant to say something. I cut my eyes away and grunted. Samel’s demeanour changed in an instant, he knew that grunt. He stopped nuzzling my neck and instead he sat upright.

“How are you feeling?“ He asked Alex with the subtlety of a fence post. I wanted to groan.

“Bit shaky.” Alex raised a hand. “Good.” He blinked, then his eyes were on me. “Alarmed.”

“Oh.” Samel’s dread was palpable. Nobody else had ever acknowledged me like that. I grit my teeth, I was ruining things again.

“Is this one of the things you warn-” Samel flapped a hand in a desperate bid for Alex to shut up.

Warning. I wanted to laugh. Of course Samel would have to warn him about me. There was comfort in being seen for what I was, a danger. A predator. A threat. A poison. A cancer. No different to Borris really.

Alex’s eyes didn’t leave my face, he placed a paw on my shoulder. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Samel’s ears twitched in a tell of anxiety, but he didn’t interfere. There was trust between them.

With a hefty sigh, I opened up. “I’m a fucking monster who-”

“Doubt.”

“-can’t ever…” I gawked at Alex. That word was like a barricade to the rant I’d been about to spew. “What?”

“Doubt. I doubt you’re a monster.” He raised an eyebrow. He spoke it clearly, he spoke it bravely. I scowled.

“I’m the worst thing to happen to Samel.” I huffed. “I’ll be the worst thing to ever happen to you.” My words only brought a rueful grin to Alex’s face. I could hear the word even if he didn’t say it outloud. Doubt. There was a sense of certainty about him that startled me.

“Eh.” My boyfriend clicked his tongue. “I wouldn’t say that.” He crawled over the sheets to lean against my side, he lifted my arm with his muzzle and cuddled against me. It wasn’t a firm denial because he knew that’d make me spiral like nothing else. I wanted to take comfort in his touch but instead I felt nauseous.

Alex tilted his head. “Doesn’t seem like he agrees.”

I seethed, if that logic was meant to prove anything it’d only prove that I was unreasonable. “Don’t care.” I snorted. “I should’ve had the shit beaten out of me the moment I made a move on him.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Because it’s wrong.” My voice burned with anger. “I’m older than his fucking dad.”

“I think he finds that hot.” Alex chuckled. “I do too.”

“Well I find it repulsive.” I spat the words.

“Doubt.”

“Shut up.” I growled. “This shit should hurt, not feel good.”

“Should it?”

“Yes!” I raised my voice. “If you want to know what’s fucking wrong it’s that this shit hasn’t nearly hurt enough.”

“Right.”

“So if you wanna fucking help, hurt me.” I glared at him with vehement fury. I knew he’d fold, I knew he’d scare off. I no longer cared if it fucked everything up I needed him to learn his fucking place.

“Alright.”

He leant forward, stretched his jaws and then he snapped down on my forearm without hesitation. It was so unexpected I stiffened. I hissed a ragged breath as I bore it, his bite tightened as he snarled and worried my flesh.

“Alex, I don’t think…” Samel put a hand on the wolf’s shoulder to try to tug him back. “Come on, Alex.” He shook Alex more firmly, the wolf’s fangs gouged into my skin. It hurt more and more until my hand, wrist and arm throbbed in agony. The kid’s jaw was a death trap, I felt pressure against bone. “You need to tell him to stop.” Samel’s ears fell as he looked at me.

I wanted to snap back with something bitter, but there was distress written all over his face. It was like a punch to the nuts. I didn’t care what existed between me and Alex, but I did care about every other edge of this triangle and I wasn’t going to distress Samel further.

I pried Alex’s jaws off of me, he let me go as I grabbed his snout. His teeth left marks in my flesh, a few pinpricks of blood started to ooze into the depressions. Samel wore a look of pure uncertainty.

Alex wiped spit from his lips and panted. “Better?”

Samel sat back on his heels and sighed.

I stared at the teeth marks on my arm, the pain had supplanted the anxiety. I took a steadying breath. It was a start. “A bit,” I muttered. I shot Samel an apologetic look, his gaze slipped away. I frowned, I didn’t entirely deserve the blame for that.

The wolf wrinkled his nose. “I don’t even have to know your past to know you’re far from the worst thing to happen to anyone.” He squinted at me. “So what? You can be a dick. You can be inappropriate. It’s not ideal but it’s not monstrous.” He folded his arms. I scowled at him but he didn’t back down.

“Piss off.” Anger burned in my voice. “You don’t know half the shit I’ve done.”

“Yeah?” He cocked his head. “Tell me then.”

My brow furrowed, not what I expected. I took a breath to start speaking, but failed to produce words. What was I meant to tell him? That I’d had a stupid, damaging sex life at 19? Fuck knows he’d give me a run for my money there. Was I meant to rant that I’d almost cheated on someone years ago? Those weren’t things I could voice with the same intensity with which I felt them, it was why I’d always kept my mouth shut about them.

But there was one thing that he should care about.

“I shared Samel’s nudes without permission.” I spoke it like it was some grand revelation, like it’d piss him off to know I’d betrayed the tiger’s trust.

Alex only shook his head. “He’s already told me all about that. It sounded like it really hurt you.”

I scoffed. “It hurt him more.”

Samel made a hesitant sound. “It scared me and I don’t like the idea of measuring how much either of us hurt over it, but.” He bit his lip. “I’m not the one torturing myself over it these days.”

Again I opened my mouth, words failed me. Alex was such a cunt. I huffed and seethed. Trouble was, I’d seen enough shrinks in my life to have words to match what they were pointing at. They were words I knew Samel knew too, and he relished an opportunity to share his knowledge.

“The worst parts of yourself are ego dystonic, they’re not you and you know they’re not you. That’s why it hurts you so bad.” He cleared his throat. “And I recognised that, made peace with that a long time ago.” He brushed a paw through my bristly mohawk. “You need understanding, not judgement.”

I grunted, but it was a different grunt. Instead of having my words clogged up by negative emotions, I was entirely out of words. My head twitched in the briefest nod I could manage. It was something therapists and psychologists had pressed into me a hundred times but I’d never truly wrangled it inside my own head.

I had self destructive thoughts and behaviours. The fact that they were self destructive was meant to be proof I wasn’t actually like that, but how could I believe it when my actions spoke for me? My compulsions entered territory which was unforgivable.

Or at least, I thought they had. The logic reached me now that my emotions were calmer - how could I feel this way when Samel had forgiven me? Did it matter what my dad thought of me? I wasn’t like Borris. I hadn’t actually cheated on Liko.

I’d grown too used to tearing myself down over those memories, I knew it was destructive. I craved that because I felt I deserved to be destroyed, but both Alex and Samel were offering a firm rejection to that viewpoint.

Fuck me, I told Alex to hurt me to help me and he didn’t hesitate. What more did I need to believe they wanted to support me?

“Sorry,” I muttered. Suck it up. Be an adult, I was like twice their age. “You didn’t need to see me like that.” Shame coated my words.

Alex shrugged. “You feel what you feel, it doesn’t trouble me. Just know I’m not one to let issues lie. So.” He pointed to the marks he’d left on my arm. “I can bite you whenever, but I doubt that’s fixing anything. But if you need it, I’ll do it.”

Samel’s paw brushed down my neck, he rubbed me affectionately. “He’s better at this than I could ever be.”

I clapped a hand over his paw and sighed. “You’ve always done more for me than you needed to.” I glanced at Alex. “And you didn’t even need to do anything at all.” I raised my arm to stare at the indentation his teeth left in my flesh, pain still radiated from it. Even I thought it seemed stupid, but it did shield me from further anxiety. Compulsions worked. I just had to make sure they were healthy ones.

“Mhm.” Alex stretched. “I think a lot worse of someone who has no mind for what they’ve done than someone who fears themselves. You’re an asshole, maybe,” he said with a smile. “But not a monster.”

His words were the burning lance to a boil. Like a bursting of pus and fluid, I felt a rush of relief as I centred myself. It hurt to bleed, but it was necessary. I drew in a deep breath. I could see the logic, I appreciated the emotional weight of what he said. The people I truly held contempt for were the former but for too long I’d thought that the things I’d done meant I should be grouped with them.

Professionals had always challenged those thoughts, but they could never succeed as isolated doctors that passed down guidance upon me in hour-long doses. I needed people in my life who could reinforce the things they said every moment of every day.

Alex lay down beside me. “Could you hold me again?” he asked. I just stared at him, he’d asked without skipping a beat. For all my bluffing and huffing and puffing, I don’t think I fazed him. I wrinkled my nose. I feared this might come up a lot between the three of us, I could try control my circular anxieties but they always came back.

My thoughts raced but I found no reason to deny him that request. I snorted and found some vestige of strength. “You don’t need to ask. Just take what you want from me.” That way I could know for sure anything he did was of his own volition. He nodded and draped himself across my chest, his arms wrapped around Samel as I embraced them both.

We lay there for a time. I could feel Samel’s heart pounding against mine, but Alex was calm.

With a sigh I accepted my fate, I’d do my best to make sure they were happy together before I bailed. Samel needed this and maybe the most responsible thing I could ever do would be to hold my word. He could have a boyfriend he wasn’t ashamed of, and I could find the right moment to break away. It would hurt, but it was better to leave them to their happiness than drag my mess along behind them.

My train of thought crashed to a halt as Samel started kissing Alex, they were inches from my face. I wanted to ruminate more on the things in my head, but it was hard to ignore what was happening. I wanted them to have this, and some part of me wanted to share it with them.

Maybe my mess wouldn’t matter if they were stable? A new wave of fear broke in my mind. What if me leaving caused enough distress to break that stability? Samel certainly would be beside himself. I wouldn’t risk that. But maybe I was just reaching for an excuse not to cut myself off from the only person who’d ever truly loved me as I was.

I stared the thought down as Samel and Alex made out over my chest.

Unfortunately, I was a pervert and it didn’t take long until I was rock hard over them canoodling. Alex noticed and took initiative. I didn’t say a word but I convulsed in the sheets all the same, he wanted me to feel that. As I cradled him through the afterglow, I felt a door open within me.

I made a decision that seemed impossible moments before. I stepped through that door with intent. No more blundering. I was prepared enough to know what I was getting into, and this time I wouldn’t fuck it up.

Epilogue:

Had someone told me I’d live ‘til 50 I might’ve laughed in their face years ago. I held in my mind a number of proofs that presumed my life would’ve ended well before this milestone. But I couldn’t deny the march of time, nor could I keep affirming to myself the myriad reasons I believed I would’ve been killed or found the motivation to take matters into my own hands.

My 50th birthday felt mostly unremarkable. Samel kissed me on his way to work. He was a research assistant and he babbled eagerly about his cell cultures and other shit I’d never understand. Alex made me coffee before I left for the day, he sat with me in respectful, trusting silence that filled me with confidence. Work was uneventful. When I came home, Samel and Alex were making dinner. There was music, wine and laughter. Following dinner they both made no subtle attempt to get me out of my clothes.

It was nice. Less of a moment and more of a perfect day. I stayed up later than usual with a bottle of bourbon to keep me company. Samel was asleep, Alex pottered about cleaning before bed. I sighed to myself as I sipped my bourbon. I felt content in a way I still wasn’t used to. There was no guilt, I felt solid and steady and stable.

I’d enjoyed myself without feeling that I deserved to have that joy balanced by negativity. I was lost in circular appreciation for the day when Alex dropped into the chair beside me. He poured himself some bourbon and clinked his glass against mine.

“Good day?” he asked.

I nodded. “Great day. Just been thinking about life and all that shit.”

He snickered. “All that shit’s what makes it all worth it.” He took a lengthy sip and sighed. I scoffed and followed suit.

“Just hard to believe things actually get better,” I mumbled, he nodded in agreement. “50’s more of a life than I thought I’d have.” I swirled my glass. “Doesn’t haunt me that I have at least one boyfriend half my age.”

He smirked. ‘At least one boyfriend’ was a long-standing joke the three of us shared after Alex and Samel got together. Alex and I had no interest in putting a label on what was between us, but I felt for him in ways that were stronger than most partners I’d had throughout my life. The joke acknowledged how mutual of an understanding that was. We could label it, but we had no need to.

We didn’t set out to grow these feelings for each other, but it felt impossible to avoid once our lives became enmeshed. Once, I might’ve hid from them. I might’ve torn myself to pieces in a desperate attempt to avoid them but I knew I could manage now. What had surprised me was how eagerly I embraced a positive change.

He was the great balancer, the one who made me feel less like a monster. His presence denied my feelings that I was hogging Samel for myself in a way that would only hurt the tiger. His involvement in our arrangement was a shield from judgement too. I didn’t have to say or hide anything, Alex and Samel had a better relationship than I had with either of them and that spoke for itself to any onlookers. It didn’t bother me either, I felt like I was at the correct distance from both of them and I found so much joy in what they had between them too.

Truthfully, I was so grateful he and Samel found each other. All the guilt and shame I used to suffer became substantially easier to manage as soon as that happened.

But Alex was also quick to pick up on my avoidance and he crushed it eagerly, I wasn’t going anywhere now. The wolf had been through a lot in his young life, but it gave him a mind for shared comfort. He was a true advocate for community and he’d made me believe the three of us could be our own village.

I thought I had been in good hands when it was just Samel, but now Alex’s sensitivity helped guide the tiger’s compassion. The two of them had done for me what therapy and medication couldn’t do on its own. The strength they’d given me I mirrored back to them twofold. They relied on me for advice, for direction, for a kick up the ass when they needed one and the certainty that someone would protect them.

Truly knowing I could give that to others made me whole in a way I hadn’t believed was possible.

I blinked and found moisture in my eyes, I must’ve been drinking too much. I exhaled heavily as the first tear tracked down my cheek. I blinked again and wasn’t sure if I was about to laugh or bawl. Alex’s gaze whipped to my face, a smile cracked his lips. I laughed. He put his glass on the table and slipped into my lap. I wrapped my arms around him, buried my face against his neck and sobbed until I was silent.

He kissed my neck, my jaw, my lips. Each press of his lips sent tingles cascading through me and brought a soulful sense of contentment to every fibre of my being. “We should get to bed,” he whispered in my ear.

I stood with a grunt and kept him bundled in my arms. I carried him straight to bed, Samel sleepily snuggled up against my side and I felt like sobbing all over again.

I hardly slept that night. Thoughts ricocheted off of each other at a rapid pace. My life had been a mess. But it was the ‘had’ that clarified so much to me. What I had now was more than just good, but that was a little tricky to square away with all the rest. I’d made so much turmoil inside my own head, one of the things I still struggled with was trying to account for it all. It took effort to prove to myself I wasn’t so bad and I had to affirm that over and over for each of my misdeeds.

I thought of past lovers, of forgotten friends, of acquaintances and people who’d passed me by.

I thought of my father, of all he suffered to try to support me. It couldn’t be helped that I was a little shit, but he’d practically raised me on his own and couldn’t contend with the mental conditions I literally fought him not to investigate.

Not long ago, Alex had attempted to reconnect with his parents. He didn’t have many positive things to say about that experience, but he did insist it was important. There weren’t any more questions or uncertainties in his head, and that was valuable. Truthfully, that advice stuck with me.

I could still recall how intensely I felt about Dad, all that rage and anger was at my fingertips but I knew now I could acknowledge it without letting it envelop my thoughts. I could comprehend that he was my father but that didn’t mean his judgements on my character were true or even fair.

I sighed.

I think as soon as I thought of him, I knew I couldn’t let my 50th pass without speaking to him. It had been years and years since he’d heard from me. I frowned as I slunk out of bed. He wouldn’t appreciate getting woken up by a call, but he’d also certainly make an exception.

I sat back down next to my bourbon, phone in hand. There was every chance I was tipsier than I realised and this was a terrible idea, but maybe not. I pulled up his contact and didn’t even hesitate. As I listened to it ring, I tensed up. It rang out at first, but when I tried again he answered.

“What is it?” he snapped. He sounded tired, and old.

“Hey Dad.”

He audibly gasped. “Davie? Fuck me.” He snorted.

“Yep.” I drew in a lengthy breath. “Been a bit.”

“Did you want something?” There was a guarded edge in his voice. Years ago, that might’ve pissed me off.

I chuckled. “Just to chat.” I poured myself another jot of bourbon. “I dunno. Been ages.”

Silence followed. “Mhm.” He made a muffled sound like he was rubbing his nose. “Happy birthday,” he mumbled.

I grinned. “Glad you didn’t forget.”

“Couldn’t if I tried to.” He sighed. “Big five-oh.” He whistled. “Are you good?”

“I’m great.” I laughed and sipped at my drink. “The last few years, I dunno. Things panned out.”

“You drinking?” he asked sternly.

“Mhm, wanted the courage.”

“Not about to kill yourself are you?”

I nearly spat whiskey across the table. “No.”

“Right. Good.” He exhaled heavily. “You’ll forgive me for asking, I didn’t expect you to ever call me, and definitely not this late while you’re on the piss.”

“Honestly, fair.” I frowned. “Didn’t give you reason not to worry.”

“I’ll say.” He sighed. “So things are good?”

“Aye. More than good, even. Living up in Fowling actually.” Passing off that tidbit brought a tremendous amount of relief to the guilt I’d sequestered away, hidden from sight until now. I felt I owed it to him to at least let him know where I was, to let him know I was okay.

“Good, good. Change in scenery always seemed like it might’a helped you.” I heard a glass clink through the phone. “Just pouring myself a nightcap since I’m up.” He sipped at it noisily. “I can’t tell you how happy I am to hear you’re alright.”

We talked for hours.

I was bleary-eyed and more than a little drunk by the time we agreed to put the phone down. I told him everything. Where I’d been, why I left. Who I was living with. He had questions, he had doubts, he had every concern I’d ever debated with myself internally but he let it all go because he could tell I was happy.

I told him I finally saw a psychiatrist and his voice got all croaky when I ran him through my diagnoses. I gave him examples from my youth, I told him exactly what I was feeling at the time and paired it with guidance and knowledge I’d gained through therapy. I don’t think he actually believed that I was good until I explained it all to him, but he stopped butting in and started speaking to me with deference. I told him earnestly that I could handle myself and he was speechless for a time.

“Davie,” he said eventually, then he sighed. “Never been prouder of you than I am tonight.”

I nodded, a storm of relief battered at me until tears stung my eyes. “Thanks. I’m just, sorry, I guess, that it took so long.”

He barked a pitiful laugh. “Son that’s an understatement, but if any of what you’ve been through was easy we’d have sorted it long ago.”

Something foundational in our relationship shifted in the course of minutes. He held within him a space of compassion and understanding for me, even after all I’d put him through before I bolted from his life. It ached to know he’d always kept that part of his heart just for me. I could wish all I want that I’d been a better son, but all I could change was what was to come.

It was strange to put the phone down and recognise how different my life could’ve been if I’d gotten on top of all that shit in my youth. But I was only where I was now because of that journey, and I wouldn’t lament it. I had a good thing going, it was irrelevant how long it took me to get here.

And who was I to pretend I had the ability to triumph over my conditions as an overgrown child? Nobody until Samel had actually made me get my shit together, and that took a toll on him too. I was someone who needed a lot of support to get by, but I was also able to pay that back and it was well past time for Dad to be included in that.

I made my way back to bed. Samel had latched onto Alex in my absence. I slotted in behind him and wrapped them both in my arms. Dad had insisted on visiting soon. That was fine, I decided. I felt a moment of anxiety, him knowing I was with two guys half my age was not the same as him meeting them.

But I put it out of mind. Chances were he’d just be glad to see me. But what ultimately disarmed the anxiety was looking forward to giving him a hug without wanting to combust and hurt him. I was going to prove to both him and to myself that I could handle having a father in my life once more.

I smiled at that and found restful sleep.