Ch. 75
Imported from SF2 with no description.
Belle (OT's Lucario)
How do you ask a man who doesn't know the first thing about you to love you? How would you know if he did? How could you expect him to be true to your heart, if you'd lied to it yourself, every day for years? How do you have faith in someone when you are faithless? I wanted so much to believe. I wanted so much to have anything to believe in.
Those were my dreams, fitful, and fearful. Those were my dreams for the past few days, and each time I awoke, shivering, and scared.
I awoke to him there, as he had been every other fitful moment. There beside me, awake, but only just barely. It took some time to still my heart enough to hear anything but the rush of blood through my head. I reached for his hand, but I faltered. The questions in my heart still weighed heavily. I knew his aura. I knew his measure. Hadn't he proven that already? I doubted what my eyes had told me. I doubted what my heart wanted to believe. Every day I tried to fight against that, and every day so far I had failed.
But I knew I couldn't fail forever. After all; everywhere I looked, it was the same story. His colors in all of their auras. His touch on all of them. His scent in their fur. Warm, earthy, eminently masculine. They were his friends, his companions. His lovers. Even the weavile I hadn't met before carried hints of him, looked to him with a kind of hungry anticipation, teased him, played with him, even now was no more than a moment away. As I sat up, her eyes opened, met mine, and she smirked. She smirked, and I blushed, as if my thoughts had betrayed me. She was the only one it seemed, who was truly wide awake at the hour. But it wasn't hostile. She was watching out for us. That was all her heart said. She'd pretend to be asleep again, and let me take his hand.
It was my own heart I doubted. Hadn't it always been? Stupid of me to think I loved him, when I didn't even know what the word meant.
Stupid of me. Stupid me. Stupid. That's all it was. Just stupid. I reached for his hand, and I felt small, afraid, frail. I faltered again, but this time I'd stirred him. I didn't succeed in taking his hand first this time, either. He took mine, gentle and soft. His words were lost in a sleepy mumble as he pulled me down close, and held me.
I tried to hold back the tears and I couldn't. I stifled the sobs, I was silent, but the tears fell. I didn't want them to, but they fell. I cried into his chest, and he ran his free hand over my back, and I hated it. I hated how much I needed it. I hated how weak I felt. I didn't know if I loved him. Maybe I only loved the idea of him. Maybe I loved how safe he made me feel in his arms, in those moments I let myself forget what he was. Maybe I loved the way he touched me, even when he hugged me like this, because he was careful. He was so careful not to make it anything else. I could feel the caution in his sinew. I could hear it thundering in his chest now. I could sense the worry creeping into his aura, and quietly, he managed to find his feet in the sand, lifted me up as though I were nothing at all, and took me to the shore line, where I could let it go and the ocean would carry it away. I loved the idea of him, but I was also terrified of the reality of him.
He didn't ask. Not a single question. Not a single word, he just let me have it. Everything I felt. Without judgment, without frustration, without anything but his arms around me, and a warmth that welled up from deep inside him. Maybe he didn't know how to. Maybe he knew I couldn't have told him. He didn't ask and I was never more grateful for silence.
I didn't know how to ask him to love me. But I had an answer to the rest. It was who he was. Honest, pure, and plain. The man didn't have an ounce of deceit in him. Not for us, at least. So how could my lies stand up anymore? And if my lies lay dead on my tongue in his embrace, what could I do but have faith in him, even if I didn't have it in me?
I was afraid. Of him. Of me. Of everything. I was afraid of how he'd respond to my touch, to my kiss. How I'd respond to it. I didn't know what to expect. What it should have felt like. But he was gentle with me, let me take the lead, and let me decide when it was done. His forehead resting against mine, waiting for me to make a move. As if I knew what to do next.
I didn't, so we walked along the beach instead. Doubtless the weavile knew our direction and the hour, they could find us if they needed to. It was a beautiful night. The sky had cleared, the moon was high above now. I kept walking, led him along. Further up the coast, to a rocky place, where we sat upon the stones above the water's edge.
I rambled. For what seemed like an eternity. I didn't even know for sure everything I'd said. I told him every stupid thing, some of it was horrible, some of it was just horribly embarrassing, but when my words died, I found myself staring into his eyes, and all I could think, all I had left was...
"I'm sorry. I can't imagine what you think of me now, let alone what use I could be to you."
I'd talked myself hoarse, and I still felt like I hadn't really said anything.
Trainer (OT)
"You're cute." I found myself saying in response, before I kissed the tip of her nose. She laughed at that, more a bark than anything. A lone note drifting into the distance, before she nuzzled into my shoulder, and led my arm around her side.
"You don't need to be useful, Belle. You don't need to be 'of use' to me. I mean, sure. I plan on hitting up the local trainer circuit if you want to join in, we could start your training with everyone else, get you up to speed. But that isn't all there is. You don't need to be a part of that if you don't want. I have enough volunteers for a league sanctioned tournament, if you want to sit it out." It was true and then some. I'd have to start making choices about who was going in when.
Tempest of course, was still on the mend. She'd need more time, and she'd tell me when she was ready. Or maybe she'd never be, reserving herself for those moments when choice wasn't a factor. But even with her resting, I'd picked up Sybil and it wasn't as if there weren't islands full of pokemon we might meet along the way. "You're allowed to just exist and be happy."
"No, count me in. I'm going to fight for you. You fought for me, didn't you?" Belle more stated than asked, as she leaned into me. "Besides, that might be the one thing in the world I'm even good at, anyway. The one thing that doesn't need me to think about how I feel, at least." Not quite the answer I was hoping for, but I understood where she was coming from. The noise goes away in the ring. The noise in your own thoughts, at least. It doesn't matter anymore, whatever was going on outside of that moment. How you got there, what you might do after. Those things stop existing.
It gave me the idea. Good or bad, I couldn't say. But I took her back to the sand, away from the rocks and the rough ground, and drew into it roughly a boxing ring. "Come on. Fight me then. Forget everything else. Pretend you couldn't just walk away this time. Fight me."
I thought it would take more convincing, but she stepped in, and I followed. Her paw brushed against my fist, and then she stepped back, before lashing out with a low kick. Kick to counter kick, punch to block, we both tried to gain ground, and both came up short. She slipped free of my grappling, and I danced out of range of her strikes. I scored the first real hit, a solid body blow that winded her, but she came up growling and countered with a sweep that would have been nothing short of vicious on a harder surface, and straddled me before raining down blows from above.
My guard held although it took no small effort to dislodge her, a pair of hard shots to cheek and jaw for my trouble. She'd tried to close the distance with a kick, but in the sand her footing was loose, and my tug of her leg threw her balance off enough that I had time to get up. My next punch landed solid, square in her mouth, and left her sprawling in the sand while I began a ten count. To her credit she was up in five, and resumed by seven.
When all was said and done, I knew she'd got the worse of the bargain, for all I was nursing more than a few cuts and scrapes from teeth and spikes alike. I didn't mind it. Not really. Not the first, and not the worst. It was good to get her measure, anyway. She'd be an asset to the team, if I could teach her some of what I knew. She took me seriously, and didn't hold back. One fighter to another, that respect meant everything to me.
More importantly, though; from the look in her eyes, it was exactly what she needed.
When I sat back down on the sand, she hesitated only a moment before sitting in my lap, straddling me, and wrapping her arms around my shoulders. It was the closest we'd ever been, intimately. Her breath still coming in short, hot panting rhythm against my neck. The feel of her tongue against my skin, a teasing bit of growl in her voice. "So I lost. Does my master want a prize?" She asked.
I had never felt so torn in my life. I wanted to give her time, give her space. Let her decide. Was this her decision? Is this how it was shaped? "Arceus, Belle..." I more groaned than said, one hand slipping to the back of her head, leading her in for a deep, passionate kiss. "Don't tempt me. You know what I want, and I'm afraid to hurt you."
"Which is why I taste copper and can feel the shape of your fist in my stomach." She replied with a playful shove against me. "I don't want you to be afraid. We can wait. It can wait. I just thought maybe you'd want to." She kept a brave face, but I could feel it in her, the way she faltered. I could see it in the subtle way her ears pulled back.
"I do. So much, Belle. You have no idea. But I can show you." She didn't try to stop me as I disentangled her from me. Her ears pinned back for only a moment before perking up with curiosity as I laid her down in the sand. She let me take the lead. Kissing my way up from her sand speckled toes. She trembled, and I watched her gaze drift first toward the high rocks we'd passed along the way, then out to the sea. Anywhere, anywhere but with me.
Every answer was the wrong answer. I just hoped she'd forgive me, and talk to me in the morning.
Helena (OT's Absol, Belle's best friend.)
I'd made sure she saw me, I kept my promise to her. That I'd be there for her, by her side, in case she couldn't. In case she froze up or panicked, or the fear took over. That I'd be there to stop her, to protect him. Protect them both. I made sure she saw me, while he didn't. I had listened in to most of it. What I could hear over the waves at least. Had watched their fight, too. She wasn't afraid of that, at least. She took a few hard shots, and gave a few in turn. I was impressed with master. The fucker wasn't afraid to really lay into her, when it came down to it.
She trembled as he held himself above her, ears pinned flat as he broke his kiss with her only to move back down yet again. Her whine carried on the wind as the sensations he gave her with his tongue shocked her. I couldn't help but wonder if she'd never felt that before. An embarrassed, shame-faced glance my way before pointedly turning her head away. She didn't want anyone to see her like that, for all she begged me to stay near.
Of all the things I expected to feel, watching my lover with my best friend, hope was the furthest from them. All I had was hope, and love. She deserved so much better, so much more than what life gave her. For the first time, she had a chance to take hold if it. Just like he'd given me. Fucker took his time, too. I would have sworn I could taste his desire on the wind. I could feel it in my horn how much he ached for it, but everything he did, he did for her.
He gave her pleasure, and he held her in his arms, and he cradled her close while he teased her with his fingers, her legs draped over the side of his lap, toes digging into the sand as she whined and begged for more. He wound her up until she couldn't think straight, and then he made love to her. Laid her down in the sand, and coupled with her more gently than I'd ever seen him treat anyone.
I had to watch as she cried. She wept, even as she devoured his kisses. Apologized, between sobs, but begged him not to stop. Begged him to please just love her.
She deserved so much better. She deserved to feel something better, in her heart. Her pain mirrored mine. Her pain broke my heart, and that made me break my promise to just stay near and watch. I couldn't sit off to the side and pretend it was nothing. I couldn't pretend she was nothing.
Belle whimpered as I nuzzled against her cheek, master just ran his hand through my fur, apologized for sneaking off without saying anything, but he didn't stop. Fucker probably knew I'd have bit him, myself. Belle was humiliated, her ears pinned flat to her head, as I laid down beside her. But it didn't last. Not for long. He kissed her. Then I did. Lingered there, our tongues as one. The taste of him on her. But it was hers I sought. The warmth of that moment lingering well beyond any pretense of decency. I didn't know what I was looking for, if it even existed. I just needed her to know I was near. That I was right there with her. For her. Through all of this.
"You're not alone anymore." I said, as she stared, stunned, into my eyes. I could see her trying to decipher me. Shock warring with every other sensation she was feeling at the moment. "I promised I'd be here for you, and I meant it, you irritating bitch." I told her, with a wink and a playful snap of my teeth just beyond her nose. "But I'm not entirely the troublemaker I was before. Because I'm not alone, either. So, I'm gonna be more honest. Fuck. I'll try, at least."
"Tell him what you really feel. You'll feel better. Believe me, I'd know." I whispered, a teasing little brush of my nose against her ear. "You'll feel so much better once you take that chance."
I didn't know whether I hoped he wasn't getting ideas from my kissing her, or if I hoped he was. It wasn't a sex thing. It kind of was. Maybe it could have been. Maybe it was supposed to be. Fuck! I didn't know. I knew she didn't! But we were too much alike for me to ignore anymore. Somewhere between where I was, and where she was, there was somewhere we could have both been happy. Master was the spot the distance between us met. Whatever it took to help her get there, I was ready for it.
Some part of me enjoyed confusing Belle, riling her up. Enjoyed knowing exactly what I made our human lover feel. Seeing that raw, animal ache in him, knowing he'd have probably begged for it. He was mine, in that moment, every bit as much as he was hers, and I was dripping wet for the tug of the leash I had him on.
I savored it every bit as much as I enjoyed the anticipation of him pulling me exactly where he wanted me, later. But right now, the only one of us that mattered was lying beneath him, trembling with every motion he made to claim her as his.
Belle (OT's Lucario, Helena's best friend)
Tell him what I felt? Easier said than done! I wasn't sure how to use my tongue for talking anymore. Between his kiss and hers, I wasn't sure I even knew my own name! I didn't know she... what was I supposed to... I was flustered and I couldn't just shake it off, pretend it was something else. I couldn't pretend it didn't make me tremble every bit as much as my union with master!
I hated that she was there, listening to me whimper, listening to the sound of him buried inside me. I hated that she could see me like this. Troublemaker always knew how to push me off balance, didn't she?
But I didn't want her to leave, either. I wrapped my arms around master as he kissed me again, and I gave him my tongue. I felt ashamed. Used and dirtied like I had been before. But there was something else now. A thrill to it. A delight. A yearning. That was new. He was being gentle, in deference to me. It wasn't ... he wasn't enjoying it. Not like he could have been. Not like he deserved to be!
"I don't know how to feel this other than to be used." It hurt to say that out loud. "You were the only person to ever stop and really think about my feelings in this. You're the only man who was ever honest with me. That night when you held me, you were honest. A little while ago when you punched me in the mouth, you were honest." He flushed at that, a tinge of guilt in his eyes.
"So I hate that you're lying to me right now!" I wasn't sure if I was going to be scolding him, or pleading with him. I could feel his shock mirroring my hurt, my ears falling flat as I stared up at him through my tears. "Your aura gives you away. You're doing this because you're terrified of hurting me. You don't know if it's okay or not. I'm not an idiot! You're afraid that if you said no I'd feel inadequate! You're afraid that by saying yes you're just making me feel like this is all I am! You can't move back, you can't move forward, you're inside me because you're afraid of hurting me, not because you love me!"
He opened his mouth, but I spoke over him. "Stop! It's okay. I'm not angry at you. I'm angry at myself, I know I put you in an impossible place." I said, as I shared the shame and regret permeating his aura. Shared the sour feeling, and the bitterness. "I'm not angry at you, but I need you to know. You're going to hurt me, and it's okay. I'm going to hurt because I'm already hurt. You didn't cause that, so you don't need to apologize for it. You don't need to be afraid of me, or for me. I'm not made of glass, and I'm not stupid. I chose this. As afraid as I was, I chose this. I want this. I want to trust you with this. So I need you to trust me, damn it!"
In the end, I scolded him. I felt bad for it, as if I didn't have the right. But Helena was right. I needed to be honest. If I wanted him to be honest, I had to be honest. "I might not ever heal. It's not like I haven't tried! I might not ever be okay, and we need to learn to live around that, one way or another. We both do, I know. So I need you to accept that I had a choice and I made it. I said yes. You didn't force me. You didn't coerce me. You didn't threaten me. I said yes, and I'm going to say yes again. I'm going to say yes when I'm scared. I'm going to say yes when I'm hurting. I'm going to say yes when it makes me feel like I'm nothing. I'm going to say yes any time I want. I don't want to say no to you, so I'm not going to, unless I really have to. I trust you, so trust me."
"I trust you, too." I said, my attention to Helena now. "I don't know what that kiss was. I can tell you don't either. But I know I want another kiss, sooner or later. I want to know where my best friend's heart lies. I want to know where my own is. We can figure it out. Either way, I'm glad you're here with me, while I'm with him. Thank you for keeping your promise to me."
"It's okay if you want to stop." I said, one hand reaching up to master's chest. A gentle affection brushing away the worst of his feelings. Something soothing to take place of the guilt he still felt. "We can try again later. It's okay if you want to finish, too. I want that, if you want that. Think of this as a first step, either way. But I need you to be honest with me, alright? Whether it hurts or doesn't? That doesn't matter. The only thing I want to know is if you want me as your lover tonight? Do you want to take this step with me? Do you want to enjoy me, and know that right now, I'm enjoying you? That I want you to go further, to really get what you want out of this?"
OT
It was much closer to dawn than it had been to nightfall when we made it back to our little campfire. More than anything else, we'd just talked, the three of us. We played, we even sparred a little more, although I took it a little easier on Belle, focused on grappling over striking which left her strained, rather than battered. She clearly hated that she was that far behind me, but without resorting to real violence, I just had sharper skills. If she'd wanted to do me harm, I knew Belle was capable of it, I went as far as to say so, but she deflected, pointing out that we'd already tried that and I came out on top anyway.
Helena had rested her head in my lap, a teasing little lick at my fingers before she deigned allow me to pet her head, sleep claiming her almost immediately by the fireside. Belle joined in the affections I offered Helena for a time from where she sat beside me, opposite her exhausted friend. A quiet murmur of conversation between us, as I fed the flames just a little more, the chill of the night chased away by the amber glow. She'd confessed to having always felt envy, for how easily Helena had seemed to move past things. Before she understood how much of that was just the absol giving up on anything ever getting better.
I'd pointed out that she wasn't that much different, by our conversation before, but as depressing as it sounded, I could only agree that maybe neither of them were wrong. The things that hurt us, hurt us. The things that happened, happened. Maybe we don't ever heal from it. I'd try to stop worrying about making it worse, but that was all I could do. I didn't know how to make it better. If anyone in the world did, they'd bottle it, and sell it back to us already.
In the end, we could only do our best with it. It wasn't exactly encouraging, but that's just how it was. We'd try again. As many times as it took to get it right. She wasn't giving up, and neither was I. Helena would have killed us both for that.