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So much had happened in the last five minutes that I was having difficulty processing it all. It was like, one minute I was just a blissful merry Panther returning home from my football game just like it was any other normal day, and the next I was T-bag WOMBO COMBOed into submission by the God of awkward sitcom-scenarios.

Seriously, in the course of just a few minutes I... wait, *inhales deeply*

I found out that Daren, my super sexy Rottie gay-crush, was invited over to meet my horribly embarrassing family (that I've been trying to spare him from), then as a prank he made out with my FUCKING MOM, which was so fucking disgusting that it caused me to projectile vomit all over my creepy goth sister's boots and then when I tried to confront Daren about making out with my FUCKING MOM, he told me (as a joke??)thathe'dfinallygooutwithmeifIjustcalmedmyassdown,butthenIguessmysisterstabbedavoodoodollofmeinthedickorsomeshitcausingmetokeeloverandDarentookthatasa'no'tohisoffer,andthisisalljusttoomuchohgodwhyme?

*Gasps for air* (I really need to stop doing that)

Just what the hell kind of puke-show shit-show has my life become?

But anyway... after what seemed like an eternity of lumping around in the basement just trying to process all that had happened, to my dismay I heard a call from my Dad telling me that dinner was ready. Oh God...

Maybe it was okay though, maybe as I walked up the stairs I'd just spontaneously combust like in that game The SIMZ. Yeah, wouldn't that just be nice? Come on spontaneous combustion!

...

...

...

I didn't spontaneously combust.

When I shamefully arrived in the dining table by the kitchen (guess my Mom cleaned up my puke from earlier, bullet dodged there, at least), Daren, Mom and Ann were already seated, while Dad was serving his 'extremely well-done' (read: burnt) burgers (Which was *extra* great, because the last burger I had ended up as puke on the floor...). The four of them were caught up in some ridiculous conversation or the other:

"Thanks for cooking, dear. It feels like I've been waiting for these burgers for forever!"

"Yeah Dad, it feels like I've been waiting for a whole three years!"

"Yeah, now that you mention it Ann, I felt like I was cooking for specifically three years too! It's like just a moment ago I was in 2014, and now all of a sudden it's like, 2017!"

"Yeah, know that you mention it, when I was on my computer a moment ago, my Macrosoft Word and Powerpoint programs updated from 2013 to 2016. Isn't that just the strangest thing?"

"Same here! And suddenly there are all these 'filters' on my Snapchatt and Intantgram now, and all my friends are mentioning things being 'extra' and 'savage'. It's like everything that was popular just changed overnight!"

"Oh hey look, we have a new president now, how did that happen?"

Total nonsense.

Uncertain of what to say to Daren (or anyone really), I nervously took my seat at the table sitting across from Daren, Mom on his right, Ann on my left, and Dad's spot on my right. Not a second after sitting down, Dad, wearing his painfully Dad-like "Kiss the Chef" apron, came over to serve me my hamburger patty with his spatula.

"Here you go Rob, sorry about the char," the white Tiger said as he placed what might as well have been a goddamn hockey puck on the opened burger buns on my plate. I eyed the lump of carcinogens suspiciously.

Seemed like a 'poisoned by the Chef' apron would've been more appropriate... "Char? Yeah, Dad, this seems kind of incinerated..."

He just chuckled as he put down the serving plate with the extra hamburgers on the side of the dining table. "Sorry Rob, I wanted to get them to be a nice BURGERndy color, but instead they turned out black, hah!"

I cringed so hard at the bad Dad joke that it felt like my eyelids dislocated.

Are you fucking serious Dad?! Burgerndy? Why are you making me deal with more shitty humor after all that's already happened?!

I shook the thought out of my head. Ahhg, Dad-jokes weren't important; I needed to get Daren's attention! I had so many things to try to explain to the Rottweiler, so many excuses to make. I looked directly at him, eyes wide open, trying to get his attention, but sadly he was engrossed in conversation with Mom, "-I ain't why get why Cincinnati chill is even called 'chilli'; it's freakin' pasta! And tartar sauce on burgers? I mean it's good and all but..."

Well, maybe this isn't the best place to talk about our confusing relationship... Don't need the peanut gallery to eavesdrop, after all.

Seeing as Daren was distracted, I decided instead to seize the opportunity to confront my devil of a sister about her little voodoo stunt earlier. The white Tigress was poking at her patty with her fork, with only a slightly more disgusted expression than usual. "Ann," I called out through clenched teeth, trying not to cause I scene but still convey that I was PISSED.

Her head turned to face me slowly, her stare cold and level. "What doth though inquire, oh Lord of Vomit?"

Oh this bitch...

I had to consciously keep my voice down, "That was an involuntary reaction, and you know it! How could you voodoo-assault me over something that I didn't mean to do!?"

Her eyes narrowed, looking at me like I was the crazy weird one, "A: I thought you didn't believe in my powers. And B: I didn't actually stab an effigy doll of you."

My eyebrows raised in disbelief, "What!? Then where did that sharp pain in my dinga-ling come from!?"

She shrugged, "I don't know what happened to your, 'dinga-ling', as you so crudely phrased it. But if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it was your neurotic mind playing tricks on you. Not the first time it's happened, right?"

Just my mind? Rob's Mind is that true?

Heheh, Sorry about that.

...ugh.

She continued, "Plus, I'm sure I've told you about the Three-fold Rule."

Is that some sort of three-way sex position thing?

"...Uhh, what?"

She rolled her eyes at me in exasperation, as if I should understand her made up witch-terms. Feh. "Basically, the Three-fold Rule states that any good or bad you cause with magic will come back to you three-fold. So it would just cause more harm to me long-term if I were to cause you injury with a voodoo doll."

"I bet you just made that up right now!"

She countered with a sharp glower, "You mock my ways one more time, Rob, I swear I'll..."

"Now now, children calm down!" Dad said as he took his spot on my left. "No fighting at the dinner table."

Ann and I muttered a noncommittal 'fine' back to Dad, neither of us satisfied with the result of the conversation. I then realized that Daren had finished talking to Mom and had been listening in on my conversation with Ann, brown eyebrow cocked. I felt my cheeks flush up. I hope he didn't hear too much of that... on our first date he said he liked me for being nice, but I certainly wasn't displaying it tonight, was I? ...Dammit.

I guess Mom noticed the strained atmosphere, because she clapped her paws together and suggested, "I have a great idea! Why don't we let Ann lead us in prayer tonight?" I immediately felt the icy claw of horror tug on my tail, shivers jolting up my spine.

Oh God Mom, no, please, not that...

Daren's eyes widened in surprise. "Oh, y'all religious? I ain't realized," his hazel eyes rounded from Mom to me, my panic escalating to a fast-burn. "Rob never mentioned that."

Smiling, Dad waved his paw in denial. "Oh we're not, but Ann is. She follows a, uh, wicker...?"

"Wiccan," Ann corrected dryly.

"Wiccan! Wiccan religion. So we let her say prayers before meals. But only if she feels like it, of course."

I groaned as I slouched town, my insides feeling as if they were knotting. My eyes turned to my Tigress sister, pleading, desperate, pathetic even! I leaned over close to her, "Ann, please I'm begging you, I know your religion is witch-y and hipster but let's please keep this prayer as normal as possible! Or better yet let's just skip it," I whispered to her.

She looked back at me, terribly offended, as if I had stepped on her tail (or maybe like if I had vomited on her boots again...), "After you just called my religion hipster? I think not."

Straightening her posture, she looked up the center of the table and announced clearly, "Very well, let us be joined in prayer." She cleared her throat, closed her eyes and raised both paws in a meditative posture. My parents followed suit, and Daren imitated uncertainly. Begrudgingly, I did as well, steeling myself for the worse. Although I couldn't possible have steeled myself enough for what was coming. "Today I was going to pray to the spirits of Earth, Wind and Water, but I think it might be more interesting to lead us in prayer to a different, misunderstood deity."

Misunderstood diety? Oh God, she wouldn't...

"Bless us oh Satan,"

NOPE NOPE NOPE

"And bless these thy gifts of charred hamburger, black as the true nature of this world. And though we, thy humble servants, know that disaster strikes amorally and indiscriminately, we still beseech thee to smite wrongdoers, and those who harm in the name of false gods, leaving nothing but their screams of agony and lament in thy wake. Thus, may we receive these thy gifts, through thy hellish bounty, and through the will of Lillith and Belial, amen. Hail Satan."

Oh God, why didn't I spontaneously combust on the way upstairs!?

...Silence. As I just sat paralyzed in embarrassment with a horrified gapping maw, my parents exchanged baffled looks. "Why Ann that was... lovely," my Mom managed with a strained smile.

Dad looked utterly dumbfounded. "Yeah Ann I, uh... liked how you mentioned my burgers in it. I felt like that was a good touch."

I felt the anger slowly creeping up from my gut, mixing in with the embarrassed feel as my paws involuntarily formed a fist. Lovely? Good touch!? Are you freaking kidding me!? How was that in any way appropriate! Mom, Dad, I know you guys pride yourselves on being open-minded, but you have to draw a line in the sand at some point!

To my utter surprise, Daren looked at Ann with a wide grin, rampant amusement spread across his muzzle. "Daaaaamn, girl that was hardcore." It was not the reaction I was expecting.

Ann looked back at Daren with the smuggest goddamn smile I've ever seen. "Oh, thank you, Daren. As an unexpected guest, I originally expected you to completely ruin my spiritual aura, but I'm glad somebody appreciates what I do in this house."

"So you actually worship Satan?" Daren asked with piqued interest.

She swished her long black-dyed hair at the question, "No, not really, I just wanted to see Rob squirm."

Fuck youuuuuuuu

Obviously I wasn't going to try to cause a scene in front of Daren and my parents, so I just shot her a fiery death stare. She returned a content smile at me, the biiiiiiiiiiiiiitch.

Dad seemed relieved though, letting out an audible sigh, "Oh thank God she's not actually a Satanist," he said under his breath.

Ann's ears flicked briefly; she heard Dad's little comment. She confronted him with a sharp, condemning tone, "You know, Father, if you actually _bothered_to know anything about other religions, you'd find that most Satanists are actually fine people."

Ann, where does the freaking rabbit hole end with you?!

Thankfully Mom deflected the conversation before my painful urge to shut my sister the fuck up manifested, "You know, all this talk about Satan is making me hungry, let's eat," she said as she... she was pouring herself another glass of wine.

Oh no, I did _not_need her to get even more sauced up, "Mom, you're drinking more wine? Haven't you had enough?"

She flicked her wrist at me dismissively. "I didn't have that much, just three glasses. You know I just love chatting over wine, And Daren is just so interesting!"

A slight grin crept up on Daren's muzzle (I'd probably be thinking about how nice and sexy his smile is if I weren't so goddamn embarrassed), "Aw, dang Mrs. Hamilton, first time anyone's said that about me." Sadly, his smile was quickly ruined by his gag reflex and a cough as he took a bite of his ultra well-done burger.

I was going to make some innocuous comment or the other to Daren about the burnt burgers, but Mom kept on going, "Did you know that he's from Detroit?"

"Yeah, Mom..."

"And that he's taking four AP classes!" ....And just kept on going.

"Well, yeah, that's one of the first things we talked about..."

"And that he's gay!" ...And going.

Oh boy, do I know about that one, intimately so even, haha!

"Yeah, Mom, just like me, huh? Wow, what a coincidence..."

"And that he's a _really_good kisser?" ...And goin- OH SHIT!

"OKAY NEW TOPIC," I blurted out as Daren started a low-key chuckle fit and Ann said 'disgusting' lightly under her breath.

Dad seemed equally not-thrilled with the statement as me, his ears sagging dejectedly. "Yeah Ellie, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to make me jealous!"

Mom gasped audibly, her mouth open wide. Her left paw was on her heart, as if to gesture that she totally hadn't done that on purpose. "Oh no, I'm sorry! It was just a little prank. You know you're the only one I have eyes for Eddy. Kissies!"

Dad's eyes lit up, "Kissies!"

Reaching across the table Mom and Dad laced their fingers together, then leaned forward across the table for a way too long kiss on the lips, and let me tell you, there is nothing more disgusting in this world than the sight of your parents kissing (Except maybe when your mom kisses your crush, I'm still super salty about that). It's like watching C'thulu and Mothra suck each other off; it tears away at your mind, man.

You know what I need? Some charred-burger induced cardiac arrest so I can pass out and not have to deal with this bullshit anymore.

I slathered my burger with ketchup and mustard to try to cover up the burnt char flavor. It was still pretty bad, which was fine, because it was something to focus on instead of my parents' horrendous display of affection (please stop you guys).

Daren let out a light 'heh', but otherwise didn't seem too disturbed, Ann however, seemed like she had just foretold the date of her own death. Guess we saw eye to eye on at least something...

Mom and Dad EVENTUALLY stopped kissing, thank God. They giggled like school children for a little while after, but for once we finally now had a quiet reprieve where we were able to just eat like normal people. But you know what happens to me when sensory overload is suddenly replaced by silence? My mind gets all paranoid! Oh, boy!

God that was disgusting, but was Daren all that weirded out? He seemed to be doing alright, but maybe it's just an act! How much longer was he planning on staying? If I try to get him to leave early will he be mad at me? But wait, what if he's already mad at me? OH GOD I bet he hates me now! ...Also what if Mom's planning to break out the baby pictures? I'd have to fucking run away to some remote Scandinavian country or somewhere just to escape! Oh wow I forgot how sexy Daren's muscly arms are, but more importantly is he mad at me?

Nothing like a good healthy bout of paranoia!

A minute or two passed, I think anyway. With my stressed tension on high it was hard to tell exactly how much time was passing. Most of us were halfway done with our burgers at this point, except Ann, who was eating her burger with a fork and knife, slow as always with food that might stain her frilly-goth clothes. Finally, Mom was the one to break the silence, and oh boy did she ever break the silence, "So, Dareeeen, between you and Rob..." The Panthress' lips curled up mischievously. "which one of you bottoms?"

Oh fuck me.

As I was utterly blindsided but the sheer horror of the question, it was Ann who cried out in protest, "Mother! I'm trying to eat here!"

Daren gave out a low chuckle, as he played with his left ear. How was he taking such an inappropriate question that well? "Well it was just the one time, but... Yeah, I was on bottom."

Dad gave a vigorous arm pump, mouthing 'Yes!'.

My mortification finally manifested; it was my turn to blurt out in exasperation, my expression contorted all crazy-like, "DAD! Why is that something to be proud of?"

Dad suddenly recoiled in his chair, noticing his mistake, "Oh! Right right, sorry didn't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with bottoming! It's just that, you know, wouldn't want you to die from an anal rupture m'boy!" I just gapped blankly at how incomprehensibly ignorant Dad's statement was as his gaze shifted from me to Daren as.

"But Daren, I'm kind of curious, does Rob make for a good top or...?"

Oh look, my mind just snapped.

"THAT'S IT!" I shouted as I slammed my paws against the table. It was time to speak my mind. "Don't you people know how to behave when a guest is over?!" All eyes were on me, startled.

I pointed at Ann first, "You, need to stop being so creepy!"

"I'll never conform to your oppressive standards."

Then at Mom, "You need to stop acting like a horny college girl!"

"Hey man, you need to chillax!"

Then finally at Dad, "And you need to stop making so many bad dad-jokes!"

"Hey, I only made the one!"

Congratulations Scott Pilgrim Rob, you leveled up!

Crazy +3 Paranoia +2 Batshit Family + 3 Insecurity +1 Dick Jokes + 4 Shitty Sense of Humor +50

I put my paws to my head, my fingers pulling harshly on my head fur. "IT'S LIKE I LIVE IN A GODDAMN MAD HOUSE! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, AAAAAAAAGH!"

My roar must have been audible from a mile away, all the frustration and anger just gushed out me. Everyone continued to stare at me, not really saying anything. I just stood there, fuming and frustrated like a crazy person, bitter vitriolic thoughts seething in my mind.

Dad looked utterly baffled, clueless as to where my outburst came from.

Fuck you Dad, you unfunny piece of shit! Acting like you don't fucking know what you just said!

Mom's eyebrows were up in surprise, smug amusement still ripe on her face.

Fucking unbelievable hippy slut! Making out with a fur less than half your age! Fuck you!

Ann just stared at me darkly.

Stupid gothic whore, I hope you get crucified! The world would be better off if you just died!

And Daren... Oh no.

Daren was taken aback at my outburst, his head slowly retreating backwards. His eyes darted around taking in the scene, before they stopped on me, furrowed and suddenly reproachful. "Well, Rob seems kina intense right now, so I'm just gonna use the bathroom. Give y'all a moment to talk."

...

...I just made a complete asshole out of myself in front of the best thing to happen to me in years. My anger crashed. I felt a sudden pang of panic and regret. Making a big scene like that, goddammit Rob... I tried to stop Daren. "Wait, Daren, I-I didn't mean to..."

"Nah, s'all good. I had to go anyway," Daren said with a quick shrug, ambling toward the bathroom in the adjacent living room. He carefully side-stepped around the area of the floor where I had unleashed my half-digested burger.

Embarrassment suddenly flushed me like a dose of poison. I wasn't usually one to snap like that. And the horrible things I thought about my family... I've never thought such harsh things about them, but all sex talk, and the Satan crap, and all the unnecessary focus on me and Daren being gay...I just sort of... I slouched back down in my chair, and trailed my paws down my face and muzzle. I groaned, hard.

My family, still surprised, remained quiet as I wallowed in my own angst for a hot minute; my gaze now fixated on the floor. Somehow this was leagues more embarrassing than anything else that had happened tonight. I felt shitty. Like I was a shitty person.

Now I have to worry about my family getting mad at me on top of Daren, just great...

Dad finally spoke up, "It's not like you to yell like that, Rob. You know we're just goofing around, right?" ...He didn't sound mad at me.

"We didn't think you'd take it so seriously. I'm sorry if we took it a little too far. We'll stop embarrassing you, but please don't yell like that again," Mom added in, her voice suddenly calm, soothing, normal...

My throat hurt. My mind was scattered all over the place reliving all the embarrassing moments. I could feel the beginning of hot tears stinging my eyes. My gaze was still practically glued to the floor. It was hard to look at anyone. "...I won't," I mumbled after considerable effort.

"Thank you, Rob. I promise I won't pretend to hit on Daren anymore."

"Right, and I won't make any more Dad-jokes, whatever that means..."

It was then that Ann put her paw on my shoulder. I managed to look at her dubiously. ...Was she trying to be nice to me? "If it's any consolation, I too thought Mother and Father were being utterly repulsive." ...Well I'll be damned.

Mom and Dad each cocked an eyebrow at my sister. "What?" she replied defensively.

I guess my parents' calm tone and Ann's backhanded gesture got through to me. My racing mind slowed down just a bit. I sighed deeply, collecting my thoughts. Complete sentences were finally coming out of my muzzle, "Sorry I snapped guys, it's just... Daren's on the fence about going out with me and I'm afraid that if you guys freak him out he's not going to want anything to do with me... he's just so perfect and... And all the embarrassing things you did and said... I just can't deal with all this," my voice cracked a bit as I spoke.

"Aw, Robby," Dad cooed as he tousled my shoulder affectionately from across his chair. "You're worrying too much! You know Daren really likes you, right?"

I looked back at Dad nervously, taken aback by the sudden comforting gesture. "...He does?"

Mom smiled brightly at me, eyes proud, "Of course! He told us what a wonderful young gentlemen you are, and how glad he was to finally make a friend after moving to Ohio."

...I was Daren's first friend in Ohio? I felt my face flushing up at the revelation, embarrassed, sure, but also proud. In retrospect it made sense, he was a bit of a loner at school, but I never really thought he'd boast about me as his first friend. I felt weirdly special at that moment, and slowly but surely, my nervous panic was letting up.

Suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Oh, sorry, that must be the pizza I ordered. I'll go get it," Mom mentioned, standing up and heading over to the front door in the foyer two rooms over.

"You ordered pizza?! After I went through all that trouble to make burgers? Hey, wait up," Dad added in, sounding fakely heartbroken as he followed her.

It was just me and Ann for a brief moment. She let out a relieved sigh as she dropped her fork and knife. "Oh thank the spirits, I don't have to eat any more of this charred monstrosity..."

I chuckled a bit at her comment. She gave me a slight smile. It wasn't smug this time, just a normal, genuine smile.

"You're still evil, you know that?" I joked with an angry smile.

She stood up and took her plate over to the garbage and sink. "What is evil, if not a construct made by those who can't comprehend the muddled morality of life?" she said like a roundabout nerd equivocated whimsically, now exiting the dining room.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"Downstairs bathroom. Father's burger made me feel as though I'm going to regurgitate. And I prefer not to ruin nice things when I do that."

...She's never going to let that go, is she? Still though, I guess it *was* her favorite pair of boots I puked on. "...Sorry," I managed to say quietly before she walked out of earshot.

With my family all out of the kitchen/dining room, I finally got a moment's reprieve from all the crazy that had surrounded me. I let out a long drawn-out. Embarrassed but also somewhat reassured, my feelings were more mixed than a goddamn margarita. I heard the nearby toilet flush, and soon Daren was coming back to the dining table. On the way he eyed my parents curiously as they interacted with the no-doubt woefully underpaid pizza delivery guy. "Yo," he said.

"...Hey," was all I could figure to say.

He walked up to me and placed his paw on my shoulder. I "You seem stressed."

"You could say that..." I replied with a sardonic laugh. Then I felt my ears droop, that shameful embarrassed feeling back. I'd probably be tucking my tail into my legs if weren't already sitting. "...I'm sorry I yelled like that."

"I ain't need no apology," He said as he made his way back to his seat. "You apologize to your family though?"

"I... yeah, I did."

"S'all good then," he said nonchalantly. I was happy to hear it, but it felt weird though, like he was letting me off way too easily, and after I made such an ass out of myself....

Daren reluctantly reached for his burger, hesitated, and looked at me with an uncertain smile. "Think your Dad'll be offended if I don't finish this?"

That made me grin a bit. "I guess Mom ordered pizza knowing it'd be bad, and Ann already threw hers out so... probably not?" I said with a nervous chuckle. Daren huffed in relief and I could finally feel the tension melting away. I finally worked up the courage to talk a little more, though some of the stressed nerves still lingered, "Hey so, I know I overreacted but...you do have to admit my family is pretty crazy, right? Like, this can't possibly be normal behavior, can it?"

Daren pursed his lips and shrugged lightly as if to say 'meh'. "I'll admit they're pretty out there; ain't really the most normal of folk. But I can tell they really love you."

My eyes opened up widely. Somehow that was the strangest thing I heard all night, "Really?"

"'Course. You think they'd be comfortable to do all those lame jokes and pranks if they didn't?" he said, flashing me a sexy white smile, eyes soft and understanding. "Everyone's got their quirks; I won't judge. The main thing is that you've got a great home here. I think you should be proud of it. So relax. I still like you, no matter how embarrassing your folks are. Just must sure there ain't no more outbursts, deal?"

Oh, Daren, you're such a fucking good person...

He was right, though. Despite everything that transpired tonight, I guess I always... sort of have felt loved by my family. My parents were always super supportive of me being gay, and as much as they joke about my orientation, they hadn't ever tried to change me or out me to anyone else. On top of that, they always been happy to talk or learn about my hobbies (even my nerdy ones that I try to hide), and they're always incredibly nice to my other friends. Even Ann, as creepy and unfathomable as she is, has her moments. Like how even though she who wants nothing to do with 'violent capitalist mainstream-trash' like American football, comes to my important games.

I then realized something; maybe this night hadn't been going too badly. Daren had been having fun; he got along well with my parents and my sister, it was only me who was making an angry fool of himself. I've always struggled with bringing up the gay aspects of myself at home, but the bottom line was that my family _did_accept it, and that me trying to keep my gay-side entirely away from them was just probably just making them more interested in it, and turning me into a nervous wreck. ...More of a nervous wreck.

So after hearing Daren's reassuring words, thankfully, my desire to spontaneously combust began to let up, and the night turned out to be not quite so apocalyptically awful as I thought.

"...Deal."

---

Happy holidays everyone! Hopefully your family won't be as embarrassing as Rob's for this holiday season! I'll see you all with the next chapter next week. ...Maybe, hopefully, possibly, we'll see.... *awkwardly sips his iced tea*