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About a week later, I received a phone-call from Mikaela. She called me on a Monday evening, at around eleven o'clock when I already was in bed. Mikaela told me how much I meant to her and how much she missed me... The way she told me that I meant so much to her was just so sad to hear... I heard it in her voice that she wanted me to be around and that she really missed me... She kept asking me why I didn't want to see her anymore and if she did anything that prevented me from seeing her... I just didn't know what to say to her... So I just told her that a lot of things were happening. Mikaela said she would throw a little party that Friday and asked if I wanted to come over, so that she could finally see me again after two months... How could I say no to her that evening...? I couldn't... So I said that I'd be there and stay over for the night... When I said that, she told me that I made her so happy... She said she was so sorry for all the things she did and she promised she'd do anything to make it up... She said that she wanted me to be happy and she'd do anything for me...

I don't remember much of that particular Friday night. But I do remember when she opened the door, she seemed so happy to see me... She hugged me tight and told me how much she missed me... She didn't kiss me after she saw me again after all these months, which I thought was a little odd. Normally, that was the first thing she did when she saw me... I thought that she really wanted to try...

I got introduced to a few people. Not many people were there. I think there were six of them in total. One girl and five guys... Mikaela introduced me to them but I can't remember their names... I can't even remember their faces... And all I remember was that there was this relaxed atmosphere in the air, with quiet music playing in the background and everyone enjoying their drinks. I could get along with them pretty well after the ice was broken and we started talking about all sorts of things... They were rolling a couple of stickies and passed that around to each other while everyone was taking a hit, including me. It wasn't the first time I was smoking a sticky and it certainly wouldn't be the last time...

The subject of the conversations slowly started to change... They started to talk about relationships instead... And of course, with relationships, it's bound that the subject is changed to sex. I was just listening quietly to what everyone had to say until Mikaela put me in the spotlight... She asked me to sit on her lap... And bragged against everyone how good the sex was... Mikaela groped my tits and asked if I could show them to everyone... When I wasn't responding, she lifted my top up and made my tits pop out of my bra while she gently twisted my nipples... And it all happened right in front of everyone... The smiles on the guys' faces slowly turned into grins... And I didn't do a fucking thing about it... Mikaela even asked me which of the guys or girls I wanted to fuck the most... I didn't... So I stayed quiet, hoping she would leave me alone, which eventually was the case... I quickly pulled my top down and wasn't facing anyone anymore because I felt so embarrassed... Mikaela got us some drinks and they kept coming after that... At some point, I started to feel dizzy... At first, I thought it was because of the alcohol but then I remembered that Fanta doesn't have any alcohol in it... It didn't smell like alcohol either... Maybe I didn't eat well that evening... I started to feel nauseous, along with the dizzy and disoriented feeling... At some point, it felt so bad that I tried to make my way as quickly as I could to the bathroom and lifted up the toilette seat. That nauseous feeling slowly crawled up my throat and caused me to retch above the toilette... When the worst part seemed to be over, I sat on the ground against the wall with my eyes closed, waiting for it to disappear completely... But after a while, it just seemed to get worse the longer I sat there... Mikaela came in and asked if I was alright, and if I wanted to lie down for a bit... So I went to her bedroom and lied down while she stayed with me, gently caressing my hair, whispering so many sweet things in my ear... Everything would be alright in the morning... I started to hear moans from that girl downstairs... And after Mikaela left, it didn't took long before I heard her moaning as well... And with that, I closed my eyes and fell asleep, just like that...

I don't remember much from that night... An eternity seemed to have passed by and the nauseous and dizzy feelings didn't go away... I felt cold for some reason... And when I slowly opened my eyes, I noticed my jeans on the bed... "How the hell did it get there...?" And my panties too... "What the hell is going on...?" It took me a moment to realize that there were five people in the dark room... One of them had his head between my legs... I started to feel again the longer I had my eyes open... Every feeling came back... I felt that I was being touched all over my body... They were sucking my nipples and feet and pretty much everything else... I just couldn't think logically and just didn't know what was going on... Just because it all felt great didn't mean I liked it... They didn't seem to be bothered by it... I couldn't tell them to stop... I tried to speak but... The only thing that came out of my throat was some gibberish no one seemed to understand... So I just waited for them to stop... And eventually closed my eyes...

When I opened my eyes again, I noticed my legs were up in the air... With someone in between them... My paws rested on his shoulder while I felt him inside of me... And when I looked around, I noticed others were waiting patiently for him to finish... I heard how they were whispering quietly towards each other... "Hurry up, man, it's my turn..." "Fuck you, I'm enjoying every second of her tight pussy..." And as time went on, I saw the black postures were taking turns... Every once in a while, I fell asleep, only to wake up again and to see someone else took over... Over... And over... And over again... I even woke up once when I noticed I was down on my stomach... And everything started all over again...

To me, it felt as if it was the longest night I ever had... I fell asleep every once in a while but every time I woke up, the nauseous and dizzy feeling didn't seem to go away... It wasn't until many hours later that I woke up in the afternoon... And the nauseous and dizzy feeling were gone... I did have a headache, but it wasn't that bad... My lower body felt sore, but I wasn't really paying attention to it... I heard the rain was gently ticking against the windows as the dark grey clouds slowly passed by... Nothing but silence throughout the house... I thought I just had a bad dream... But it didn't take long for me to notice that my jeans and panties were down on the ground... And then I realized it... It had to be the biggest shock of my life... The things I've felt and saw that night were real... And I just couldn't believe it... I reached down with my hand and gently inserted a finger in me... It felt sore... And when I slowly pulled out again, I saw some white thick stuff... "Stuff" that wasn't mine... "Just... What the hell happened...?" Why...? No matter how many times those questions circulated through out my mind, I didn't find the answer... The more I speculated about it, the dirtier I felt... Overwhelmed with shame... The nauseous feeling crawled up my throat... And I ran as fast as I could to the bathroom, quickly lifted up the seat and vomited my guts out... The idea that it really happened literally made me sick...

I tried to get a grip on myself but I couldn't... I felt that I was about to lose myself... Almost a hysterical panic had me in its grip... I tried to seize control over it... But I knew I was gonna lose it again... I took a shower but... No matter how many times I cleaned myself, I didn't feel clean... That white "stuff" was washed away and I saw it going down the drain... And after I saw that, I just totally lost it... "I was nothing but a goddamn fucktoy to them!! They didn't even give a shit!! Why the hell did I let them?!! I'm so fucking stupid!! I should've known this would happen!!" And then, a terrifying thought was going through my mind... "What if I'm pregnant...?" The anger I felt turned into fear... I was absolutely terrified when that thought went through my mind... "They won't accept you anymore if you are..." I sat down on the bottom of the shower cabin when all of a sudden, these overwhelming emotions like anger and fear came over me... No one would notice if I was crying... So I cried my eyes out...

I couldn't look at myself anymore in the mirror once I got out of the shower... So I didn't... I just had to get away as fast as I could... But when I got to Mikaela's room, I noticed she was there, getting dressed... When she noticed me, she smiled... I quickly looked away when she did... I got my bag, threw it on her bed and packed my things... When Mikaela got next to me, she puts an arm around my shoulder...

'Hehehe... You seemed to have a lot of fun last night... You look shattered...'

She stood behind me and started to cuddle me as I kept staring in blank space ahead... When I wasn't responding to her affectionate gestures, she decided to push things a little further... So her hand went down my panties again, as if she wanted to remind me why I needed her in the first place and not the other way around... The things that Sarah told me about Mikaela kept going through my mind... So I gently pushed her back and continued to pack my things...

'What's wrong, sweetheart...? You didn't like it...?'

'Just... What happened last night...?'

'Just a little get together, that's all...'

'D-Do you even know what happened...?!'

'Yes, I saw it.' She said with a smile...

'A-And you just let t-them?!'

'I thought you wanted to...'

And at that moment, I just snapped... I couldn't hold myself anymore, especially after that stupid answer she gave me...

'Y-You thought you wanted me to?! How the FUCK can anyone want something like this?! You promised! You fucking promised!! You SWORE you'd give it up!!'

My voice sounded hoarse and squeaky when I yelled at her like that... Anger, sorrow, fear... Betrayal... It all rained down on me... It didn't seem to do anything to her... She just sat on her bed, looking at me while I waited for an explanation that would never come... It stayed silent for a while and at some point, she gestured that I had to sit next to her... But I didn't... Instead... I was so pissed off at her that I started to cry and I just didn't know what to do...

'How the hell could you do that to me...!? What did I ever do to you...!?'

'C'mere...'

'No!! Stay the fuck away from me!! You just fucking watched when it happened!! And you didn't do a fucking thing about it when they raped me!!'

'Raped you? They didn't rape you.'

'You just fucking watched when it happened!!'

'Just calm down, okay?'

'C-Calm down?!! You did this to me!! You just let them!!'

'It wouldn't have happened if you didn't act like a total slut! You could've just walked away from it! But you were just down on the bed with your legs spread! Just what the hell are you trying to blame on me anyway?!'

'You didn't do anything...'

'It's because you didn't want me to do anything about it!'

'I never did...'

'It's okay... I forgive you... It happened, okay...? There's nothing wrong with liking it...'

Mikaela was manipulative and persuasive without ever to flinch... She was good at that... And she almost got me again... Almost... But what happened was something that couldn't be ignored by me... I hesitated for a moment... But then I continued to pack my things while she just looked at me...

'Look... I do want to start all over again, Ceylan... But you have to understand that... We are nothing but puppets on a string... There's always someone pulling the cords and move us the way they want us to... There's a certain hierarchy in this world and you see it everywhere... There's always someone pulling the strings... Our strings... My strings...'

I didn't understand what she meant with that way back. But now I do after everything that happened. But how the hell is a sixteen year old supposed to understand how the world works...? What was I supposed to say to her...?

'They fucking raped me in my sleep!! How the hell could you let them do that to me?!!'

'What the hell makes you say that?! All I ever did was to care for you the most! Does that seem so wrong?!'

Again, how was I supposed to answer that...? Was it her definition of love...? Most likely but it was something I would never understand... So it stayed silent for a moment again while I still packed my things and wiped the tears out of my eyes every now and then...

'She set you up against me, didn't she...?'

'Who?'

'Sarah...'

'No... She has nothing to do with it...'

'Then why is she doing the exact same thing you're doing to me now?! Blaming me everything?!!'

'Because... Sarah's not in need of someone to pull her strings... She needs you as her sister... Not as her lover...'

'Have I ever betrayed her?! Has there ever been something that I didn't do for her?! Did I ever hurt her feelings?! Or yours, for all that matters?!'

No, she didn't... Throughout the years, Mikaela never did until now... But I never gave an answer to her question... I wasn't looking at her when I was packing my things... I made up my mind... So it was best for me to go... Mikaela sat on the edge of her bed as her eyes followed every move I made... But once I got my things, I made my way to the door... 'I thought you were different, you know... But you're just like everyone else... Just using me and fuck off when you don't need me anymore...'

I've seen a documentary about this not too long ago on the Discovery Channel... It's called "reversed psychology"... It's a way to let someone do something the total opposite of what is being suggested... She was the one using me... Not the other way around... But the way she looked at me almost made me gave in again... Mikaela blamed it on me in the end for ruining our "relationship"... Blaming me that I didn't give anything to her, while I wasn't being given anything in the first place... She said that I used her, while I never did... But even if I did give in to her manipulations just to satisfy her, I knew things would stay the same... She waited for me to give a response... A sign of affection... A comforting word... But what was I supposed to tell her anyway?

'So it's like that...? You're gonna abandon me when I need you the most...?'

And with those words in mind, I got my things and went out of the door, leaving her behind...

In the days following, I was being stalked by Mikaela... She called me countless of times on my mobile phone, visited me at school and even visited me at home... Sarah had no idea what was going on and neither Simon nor Catherine were aware of everything that was happening... I became angrier with each and every day that passed by... I don't know how to describe it... I was so pissed and sad at the same time... And one evening, she visited me at home. I got outside and told her I would break my promise if she ever tried to see me again... I plead and begged her to be left alone... And I told her that Sarah was right... She needed help... All she did was staring at me with cold eyes... She got in her car and quickly drove off... And that was the last time I ever saw Mikaela...

My phone went off on a Friday night, the week after that weekend at Mikaela's place... The quiet buzzing and humming didn't sound so quiet to me in the middle of the night. I had a lot of trouble opening my eyes and when I faced my alarm clock, I noticed the digits were very blurry... "Morning already...?" I rubbed my eyes and noticed it was two forty AM... "Strange... I can't remember to have set my alarm at two forty AM..." I punched the button on top of it but it kept going. So I did a couple of times but it just didn't shut up. It took me a couple of moments to realize that it wasn't my alarm clock, but my mobile phone that went off. I looked at the display of my mobile phone and noticed that Sarah was calling me...

'Hey, Sarah...'

'H-Hey, Ceylan...? I-I didn't wake, did I...?'

'No... Why, what's wrong...?'

'Heh... N-No, no, nothing's wrong, it's just...'

'Hm...?'

'I just... Heh... I-I was just... Just wondering if I could see you...?'

'Sarah, what's going on...?'

'N-Nothing... Please... I need to see you...'

'Okay... I'll wait for you at the intersection, okay?'

'Y-Yeah, sure... I-I'll see ya then...'

Sarah's voice sounded so disoriented... As if she wasn't realizing of what she was saying... Like a drunken person or something... Sarah never liked alcohol... I looked at the display of my mobile phone... "Two fifty AM..." I quickly got dressed and took my mobile phone with me and quietly sneaked out of the house... Simon and Catherine would be pissed if they found out I sneaked out of the house like that in the middle of the night...

The night was cold when I peddled my way towards the intersection where Sarah and I usually met... The streets were absolutely deserted and no living soul was seen... It made me feel as if I was the only one on the planet... It felt surreal... When I finally reached the intersection, Sarah wasn't there... So I waited... And waited... After about ten minutes, I tried to call her but she didn't answer her phone... And all I could do was to wait... After about half an hour, I wanted to leave but then I saw her on her bike in the distance, swaying and had a lot of trouble going forward... She slowly made her way towards me but she seemed so disoriented... As if she was very drunk or something... It just didn't seem right... She never drinks alcohol... So I quickly drove to her and it took her a couple of moments before she even noticed me... And then she stopped and looked at me... And... It really scared the living shit out of me... Her pupils were dilated and I couldn't make much sense of what she was saying... The only thing I got out from her was that she was feeling very dizzy and nauseous and started to cry because of it... She placed her hands on my shoulder and tried to get off of her bike but her bike fell down on the ground as she tried to hold her balance... She said things like "we need to go" and "we're gonna be late" but I had no idea what she meant... I held her when all of a sudden; she vomited in the grass... I made her sit down when she stopped vomiting but she vomited again... Sarah wasn't even responding to me anymore and it seemed that she didn't realize I was right next to her... I stayed with her and made her sit up right, but she wasn't responding to anything anymore... When I looked down at her face, I noticed her eyes were closed... And when she still wasn't responding, that's when I started to panic...

'Sarah...?! S-Sarah...!! Sarah, wake up...!! Sarah...!!!'

Shaking her gently didn't help... And when I opened her eyelids, her pupils were still dilated... And that's when I knew this was serious... So I did the first thing that came in mind... I quickly grabbed my mobile phone and dialed one one two while I was overwhelmed with panic and fear... I knew I had to stay calm in order to help her but... That's easier said than done... The tears ran down my cheeks as the overwhelming panic seemed to get bigger with every second passing by...

'One one two, what's your emergency?'

'I-I need help! M-My friend isn't responding to anything I say!'

'What's your name?'

'C-Ceylan! Please, help us! I-I don't know what to do! I-I'm so scared!'

'Ceylan, I understand but I need you need to calm down a little, okay? What exactly happened?'

'I-I don't know! She called me and asked to meet her and she told me she was very dizzy! And all of a sudden, she started vomiting and now she's not responding to me and fainted! Her eyes look dilated! Please, help me!'

'I will. Could tell me where you are?'

'A-At the countryside! The intersection to Worchester-lane in Ravello! P-Please!'

'An ambulance is on its way at the moment. Now Ceylan, I want you to listen very carefully to me.'

'Y-Yes?'

'You say her eyes are dilated. Do you know if your friend used drugs or alcohol? It's very important for the ambulance personal to know.'

'N-No! She's not touching any of those things!'

'You have to make sure that your friend is sitting up right. You need to unbutton her clothing so that her airway is free. Can you do that for me?'

'Yeah! Of course!'

So I quickly placed my mobile phone on the ground and basically ripped the first three buttons at the top off... Sarah would hate me for that if she found out that I did... It was her favorite blouse... Its strange how a thought like that ran through my mind at the time... But after I did, I quickly picked up my mobile phone again and even though the operator had a calm, soothing, comforting voice, it didn't do anything to make me calm...

'Her airway is free!'

'Alright. The ambulance is on its way and should reach you within ten minutes. Just make sure she sits upright and the ambulance personal will take it over once they arrive.'

'O-Okay... Th-Thank you...'

'You're welcome. Just hang on, okay? They'll be there soon.'

'T-Thank you... Thank you very much.

And after that, I disconnected the call... The moment I disconnected made me feel so helpless... I kept looking at Sarah to see if she had any signs of life... No response to anything... The only sign of life I felt was her slow breathing... But even that seemed to fade off... And at some point, it seemed as if she wasn't breathing at all anymore... I yelled at her to hang on... I tried shaking her... And I even tried that thing you always see in movies... Saying how much you love someone and how much someone means to you... They always wake up after a kiss... Sarah didn't... But I guess that was just me being delusional... And out of sheer desperation, I started to yell for help... It reminded me of when I was young, back in the refugee camp... No one was able to hear me back then... History was just repeating itself... After what felt to me as an eternity, I heard the sirens of the ambulance getting louder... When I looked up, I saw the blue flashing lights in the distance... And within moments, the ambulance arrived...

They managed to stabilize her but Sarah was still in critical condition... On the way to the hospital, I held her hand while I was crying quietly... Her eyes opened up slowly and she looked at me... And when she did, I noticed she tried to say something... No sound was coming out of her throat... And then finally, she managed to mumble something... I couldn't hear it, so when I placed my ear next to her mouth, she quietly mumbled...

'S-She told me everything about it...'

'About what...?'

'M-Mikaela... She did this to you too... She sold us... S-She literally sold us...'

'Wh-What...?'

I couldn't believe what I was hearing... And I wanted to know what she meant with that. I tried to get more answers out of her but she closed her eyes and was, once again, not responding anymore...

When we arrived at the hospital, she got taken out of the ambulance and got rushed to first aid. I tried to follow them, but I was held back by a nurse and witnessed how she disappeared behind swing doors while more nurses and doctors got in the room... And all I could do was to sit and wait... A sweet young nurse came to me and told me that Sarah was in good hands... She also asked me if I wanted my parents to come. So I nodded and gave my phone-number...

Simon and Catherine arrived at the hospital about half an hour after Sarah got taken in. They hugged me tight... And I just lost it... I cried and cried while I firmly clenched on to them... How long did it take...? Two, maybe three hours...? I didn't know... But time was excruciating... A doctor came to us and told us how Sarah was doing... She was save now... He complimented on my swift reactions and told me that if it wasn't for me, she would've passed away by now... The doctor told us she had an overdose... But from what...? From who...? And more importantly, why...? I didn't ask... The doctor asked if we were her guardians but we weren't. And it actually shocked Simon and Catherine that her parents couldn't even be notified... Not even Mikaela was there... And not long after that, two police officers arrived and the doctor quickly walked towards them. They were talking for a bit and then they went off again... I wanted to see Sarah so bad but I wasn't allowed to. So I asked Simon and Catherine to stay until I could see her... About an hour later, those two police officers returned and were looking for the doctor who talked to them earlier. When they found him, the three of them talked for a bit until the doctor pointed over at us. One of the police officers walked towards me and kneeled in front of me and friendly asked me if I wanted to come with him. I nodded quietly and we went inside an office, where we were alone. I was quiet all along and even when we sat down, I didn't say a thing... But nevertheless, he was very friendly...

'Quite a night, isn't it...? I understand it must've scared you a lot.'

'Yeah...'

'How are you feeling?'

'I'm still shaking... I just wanna see Sarah...'

'I understand but I would like to ask you a couple of questions first. Is that okay with you?'

I quickly nodded when the other police officer arrived and brought me a cup of water and sat down in a chair as well...

'Do you know what Flunitrazepam is?'

'No...?'

'It's a form of drugs of which Sarah had an overdose from. The doctors found traces of Flunitrazepam in her bloodstream. Sarah was unaware that she was taking it, seeing as it doesn't have any taste or odour if it's mixed with a beverage. However, it can be deadly when it's consumed with alcohol, which will only multiply the effect. You really saved her life. A couple of minutes later and she wouldn't have survived.'

'Heh...'

'Sarah however, told the doctors what happened. It might shock you to hear the following, but it is very important for us to know.'

'What is it...?'

'Sarah told the doctors that she was raped at her house and the doctor found traces of sperm inside her vagina after she told him.'

'Wh-What...?'

'She managed to give an accurate description of at least two males she believed who did it, which is why the doctor decided for us to come and to take a statement from her. She wants to take legal steps against them and told us that her sister is to blame for everything. Sarah didn't tell us why so we were hoping you could tell us more about her.'

'M-Mikaela...?'

'Yes. Do you know her well...?'

'I do... She cares a lot for Sarah and her siblings...'

'I see. So how come she's not here in the hospital if she cares so much about Sarah?'

'I-I don't know...'

The police officer who was talking to me took a sip from his cup of water while the other one kept scribbling on a notepad. Everything just felt so surreal for me to understand... And then I remembered what Mikaela did to me... I didn't do it out of revenge... But it's because she needed help...

'I-I know that Mikaela uses drugs... I've seen it countless of times whenever I was spending the night at Sarah...'

'Do you still see Mikaela?'

'No, not anymore... We had a huge fight and well... I don't wanna see her again...'

'Can I ask what the fight was about?'

"Oh fuck... How the hell did I get in this shit...?" I didn't try to show it but I was getting more and more nervous as the minutes were ticking by... It stayed silent for a long time while I nervously fondled my hair and didn't face the police officers... But I had to give an answer... Anything...

'M-Mikaela thinks that... That Sarah set me up against her...'

I expected the officer to continue to talk but he didn't. It stayed silent while he waited for me to talk again...

'See, I-I uh... Sarah's been my best friend for years... Ever since I first got to high-school... A-And... I met her sister and I fell in love with her... But at some point, I lost my feelings for her, you know...? And I fell in love with Sarah instead... Mikaela knows that I am after Sarah told her s-so... So we had a huge fight and... Heh...'

'Did she ever do anything that made you feel uncomfortable?'

'Y-You mean... Sex...?'

'Anything that made you feel uncomfortable?'

'N-No... No, she didn't...'

"Oh shit... What the hell am I supposed to do now...?" It felt to me that I already said too much... Mikaela left me alone so that I wouldn't break my promise... But it felt as if I just did... It stayed quiet for a while as I tried to think of an answer to give... But no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't come up with one... After everything that happened in the past week, I just wanted to be alone with Sarah... Alone... How wonderful it would've been if I could just be alone with her again... All these thoughts ran through my head and I felt more and more confused about everything... Just what the hell was going on...? At some point, my mind was driven insane by these thoughts and even though it couldn't be seen from the outside, I was starting to loose my mind... I think the police officers already noticed that... And when I realized that, I burst out in tears... One of the officers got out and came back moments later with another cup of water for me to drink... It took me a while, but I finally managed to pull myself together... I felt so ashamed that night...

'You have to understand that Mikaela committed a serious offence. Sarah was almost killed because of it...'

I nervously fondled my hair while I wasn't looking at the police officers anymore... I kept thinking about everything that happened and I just couldn't get a grip on myself anymore... "Should I tell them...? That it also happened to me...? To finally let everything behind...?" It had consequences, whether I told them or not... I just tried to figure out what was best... But I didn't know... Maybe it was best to let everything as it was, so that they would leave me alone...

'Mikaela and her friends are using drugs... That's all I know for sure...'

'Alright...'

'What's going to happen to Sarah now...?'

'We don't know yet. That's up to the judge to decide.'

'If she's going to be placed out of her house, she'll be able to stay at my house, right...?'

'I'm afraid it's not that simple, Ceylan...'

'Oh... Heh... Can I see her now...?'

'Of course...'

And with that, I made my way out of the door to see Sarah...

Simon, Catherine and I went to see Sarah after that... And I just can't describe how I felt when I saw her... She had her eyes open and looked a little drowsy... There was a needle in her wrist, connected to an infusion but when she saw us, she smiled... But still no sign of her parents and Mikaela... I just didn't understand... At some point, I asked if I could be alone with her... So they left, while I stayed behind with Sarah... I told her how much I loved her and how much I wanted to be with her... And that everything would be alright... But sadly, that didn't seem to help... Sarah started crying... And all she wanted was to get away from the hospital and be somewhere alone with me... She said she'll be placed out of her house now that Mikaela was going to be placed under arrest... Sarah just didn't know who or where... I wish I had the answers to comfort her that night but sadly, I didn't... I stayed with her until the nurse asked me to leave, seeing as Sarah needed her rest... So I gently pressed my lips against hers... And told her I was going to see her the next day...

It went fast after that... Sarah stayed in the hospital for two days and after she got released, she visited me at home. We were alone in my room while we made out for a bit but... I could tell that she wasn't the girl anymore I once knew. She told me that she was going to live at her aunt's place... Its a six and a half hour drive to her aunt's place and we wouldn't see each other as much as we used to. So I said that I could visit during the weekends and would go there by train... She smiled weakly and hesitated at first but then she pressed her lips against mine again... Sarah told me she would say goodbye the next morning... I didn't like the thought of it but... I had no choice whatsoever. All I could was to accept the way things were...

I got up the next morning at around half passed seven... And I waited downstairs for her... But the hours slowly crawled by... Eight o'clock... Nine o'clock... Ten o'clock... Whenever I called her on her cell phone, she didn't answer... I got on my bike and peddled my way to her house to see if she was still there... No one... Everything was deserted... And just like that, Sarah disappeared out of my life...

A couple of days later, I finally saw her online on MSN... But each and every time I tried to talk to her, the conversations just came to a dead end... It didn't change whenever I called her on her mobile phone... I wanted to be with her, you know. To support her in everything... To love her... It was unbearable to know that she didn't need me to... I tried to help her... But she said that she didn't want my help... It was painful when I realized it... And slowly but steady, a friendship that lasted for years crumbled in just a couple of days...

In the end, I got what I wanted... I wanted to be left alone... And now I was all alone... But I didn't picture it like this... Simon and Catherine didn't even recognize me anymore... I closed myself down from anyone and anything... Things have finally ended with the arrest of Mikaela... But if I knew what was going to happen, I would've stayed with Mikaela just to prevent things... Despite everything being said and done, I felt miserable, even though I knew it wasn't my fault for what happened... I didn't believe Sarah what she told me about Mikaela... And I found out the hard way... I wanted to think that I was better off without Mikaela, now that everything ended... I tried to understand... But I didn't... The things she said to me kept going through my mind... And at some point, I believed that it... I felt guilty about it... And I wanted to make up for what I did... I thought we won by breaking free out of Mikaela's mind game... The guilt I felt became bigger each time I was thinking about it while I knew I couldn't do anything about it to set it right... It changed me dramatically... I couldn't sleep... I cried a lot... I hardly ate... But I wanted to be with Sarah... And if that meant I had to sleep with Mikaela, I would... But it was already too late... And I had to pay the price for it... Mikaela had me... So... She won... Mikaela got her revenge in the end...

Two weeks after that, I came home from school, went straight to my room and flopped down on my bed, staring in blank space, waiting for the day to end... But a couple of moments later, I heard a quiet knock on my door and Catherine came in... She sits on the bed and caressed my hair...

'Hey, sweetheart...'

'Hey...'

'How are you feeling...?'

I simply just shrugged to answer her question while I continued to stare in blank space... Catherine's soft hands kept caressing my hair while I held on to her other hand...

'There's a letter for you...'

'Oh...?'

'Hm-mm...'

'Who's it from?'

'I wouldn't know, I haven't looked into it.' She said with a weak smile. After that, she handed me the letter in a white envelope...

'Dinner's almost ready, dear...'

'Thanks... I'll be downstairs in a minute...'

'Alright...'

And after Catherine left my room, I opened the envelope, and got out a handwritten letter...

"Dear Ceylan...

It took me days trying to find the right words and it took countless of rewrites of this letter before I thought it had everything I ever wanted to tell you. I know I promised you I'd say goodbye before I left. But I just couldn't do it. It felt to me as if I was going to say farewell. I couldn't say it straight to your face. I couldn't even say it over the phone or even in a MSN conversation, which is why I try to say it through a handwritten letter...

Despite everything being said and done, I still don't know what to do. I thought that by doing this, I would finally have my happy ending. Truth is; it's not. It's just the beginning of everything. It feels as if I just started living... Everything I build up for myself is lost. I have to start all over again... And it feels so awful... Things feel worse than they've ever been. It wasn't worth it to sacrifice of what we had. And now that I'm not here with you anymore, makes me realize I regret a lot of things. Each and every day, I get reminded of that. I just don't understand why it took so long for us to see what we really feel for each other. I know I still do. I still think about you all the time... I never thanked you for the things you did for me... As a friend... As a girlfriend... What you mean to me. I don't know how I'll ever be able to explain it in a way that you understand. You saved my life... And I just don't know how to repay you.

I got placed out of my house in order for everything to end. I'm living at my aunt's house now, far, far away from you... Things were and will be difficult for me to cope with. But we need to carry on with our lives if we want to make the best of it. I'll never forget what you did for me, knowing what I meant to you and what you mean to me. I wish I made different choices. I wish I had influence to turn back time and do more with the things we had. But sadly, I don't... A long distance relationship isn't going to work out; especially after everything we did together, knowing it'll never be the same again. I know I will regret saying these words. But sometimes, if you really love someone, you'll have to let them go, to make them live their own lives and find a chance of happiness. I know you will... And I know I will find it eventually. After all, what's the point of our existence if we don't do the things we like with the people we love the most...? So do what you always did... Go out, make new friends... And maybe find someone else to love... It would be selfish of me if I didn't allow you to do so. So I'm not and I know you wouldn't do that to me either... It would only make things more difficult than it already is... You'll always be my friend and you'll always be my first...You'll always be in my heart... But that's why it's so difficult and painful...

Please do me a favour. Keep this letter. Don't throw it away. Because knowing you have it in your possession makes me feel that I'm still part of your life now that I'm not with you anymore. Please write back to me and I'll cherish your letter, along with every other memory I have of you. I'll keep it safe until the day we meet again... Years might pass by before that happens... But I know it will happen and I'm already counting the days. I'll see you again when I'm ready for it. And maybe we can start all over again one day. I just hope you feel the same way about it. It might be over for now but I'll be back for you one day. I can't predict the future or what it might hold in store for us. But I hope you'll be waiting for me when that day arrives. You might as well forget I ever existed... I can't blame you if that ever happens. That's the reason why I ask you to keep this letter so that you might not forget about me... Until the day we see each other again...

I'll never forget what you did for me. And I just hope you'll never forget about me as well. I love you... I always will... But no matter what happens, know that I'll always be waiting for you...

"Gortos 'A ran..."

Forever yours...

Sarah..."

Reading that letter was strange... "Heh... Funny... She spelled gortoz wrong..." Its strange how that thought was the first thing that was going through my mind after reading it. But slowly, it started to sink in the longer I was staring at the letter. It slowly stacked up... This chunk was stuck in my throat and caused me to choke down in my own tears... I couldn't breathe... And that's when I broke down in tears and cried my eyes out on my pillow...

The things that happened had a huge impact on me... I tried to pretend as if nothing ever happened but how's that even possible...? It's not... Simon and Catherine saw that something was up but I totally shut myself down from them... I changed so much to the point they didn't recognized me anymore... But unlike the last time, they didn't insist that I talked to them about it. They would be there for me if I wanted to talk... But then I remembered Catherine's face when I told her that "there's nothing wrong to show affection to the people you care for the most"... She panicked... And maybe it was because of the shame I felt that I didn't want them to know... The only thing I told them was that I wanted to talk to a social worker, like I did a couple of years before to help me... I just couldn't tell them the truth... I would break their hearts if I did and break my own for telling them... The only one who really knows what happened was my social worker...

I thought that it was love... I thought I knew all about it... But in the end, it was nothing more but a sick mind game... Mikaela's feelings weren't the same I once had for her... Driven by the sheer obsession to be in control of everything and everyone... And I wasn't... Realizing the truth that she just used me for years just to get in my panties... Just thinking of it drove me insane... What about all the things she ever told me about passion and love...? That someone so beautiful like me should be protected from anyone and everything that tried to harm me...? It was all one big fucking lie... She only said that so that I wouldn't leave her... Mikaela made me believe that she had everything I ever needed... Made me believe that sex is the only thing in the world worth giving and receiving... And made me believe that I was in love with her... It might've been the case for her with her obsession to be in control of everyone and everything, but not for me... It pierced my heart to have realized the truth... I was just so stupid and naïve... I was just another teen with a broken heart... She had her own reasons to do so... But I guess that's just her definition of love...

While some teens only start to discover at the age of sixteen, I've been through everything at that age. Love, sex, a broken heart and pretty much everything in between. And for experiencing everything, I considered myself to be mature at the age of sixteen, "knowing" everything about it. And I came to the conclusion that love is redundant. Because in the end, I was hurt by the people I loved the most. Maybe it's because love is like the wind... Everyone knows it's there but no one can ever catch it. The only certain thing that I knew about love is that everybody knows that nobody really knows what to do with it whenever it's being given. How do you recognize it? How do you see it? I thought I knew the answer to that question a long time ago...

It changed me a lot... My self-esteem dropped... I started to get scared of people and kept them at a distance whenever they came too close... I socially shut myself down towards the outside world and people noticed... I lost a lot of friends in that period of my life... I didn't go out anymore... Rarely talked to people... Driven insane by everything I experienced throughout my short life on this fucking mud ball... If that was the only thing that life had to offer, I wouldn't give a shit anymore... But I did have some good news... My social worker advised me to see the doctor... I wasn't pregnant... A huge burden fell off my shoulders but so many more had to be shaken off... I guess time could only heal my wounds as I waited... Waiting for a long time, while each and every day was a struggle to get my mind right. I had to focus on myself now that Sarah and Mikaela weren't here anymore. And it was a lot more difficult than I thought it was... They've taken my dignity... One moment, I felt that I could trash my entire room out of pure anger and the next, I was sobbing like a little cub on my bed... And as the days passed by, I totally lost it... Not even my social worker was able to prevent that... And so, days passed by... Days turned into weeks... Weeks turned into months... Each and every day was such a difficult struggle... Suicide was something that crossed my mind a lot... And it actually got me wondering if it would hurt if I would slit my wrists or jump off a building... The only thing that kept me going was the thought that things will be better... It happened for a reason... And it better be a damn good reason too... But I couldn't think of one why I had to go through all of these things... So I waited, in the hope that I'll ever be able to find the answer...

"Gortoz 'A ran"...