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Humanity; Lost

Chapter Eight

© Cederwyn Whitefurr

28th January, 2024

All Rights Reserved.

Winter had settled into the landscape, casting its white hush over forest and field. Noel, Elara, Alex, and Becky found solace in the routine they had established, a delicate balance between human and kangaroo. Elara's cottage became a home, a true haven, for the unconventional family nestled within its safety and warmth.

Noel continued his patient way with his son, guiding him through the complexities of being a kangaroo-shifter. As their feral communication lessons with Becky continued, Noel acted as a translator between Alex and Becky. Each click, grunt, and cough became a dance of understanding, a bridge connecting their worlds. For an hour or two, one of the three would sit with Alex, helping the frustrated young buck practice talking.

Elara caught between the worlds of humanity and marsupial, navigated her intricate relationship with Noel with care and thought. He reciprocated this threefold; Noel seemed to instinctively sense when Elara needed some time. He'd go into another room, or even, sometimes, outside to lay on the porch, despite the bitter cold. Those nights, when her rekindled thoughts surfaced, she'd invite him into her bedroom. While passionate and tender, their quiet moments remained a cautious dance on the precipice of uncertainty between herself and her mate.

One chilly evening, as the fire crackled in the fireplace, Noel gathered his thoughts, laying cross-legged before the fire – almost close enough that he thought his fur might very well catch fire. He grew pensive, and the quiet murmur of voices around him slowly faded, as a silence fell, heavy and pregnant over them all.

“Elara, Alex,” Noel's deep voice carried a weight that demanded attention. “There are some aspects of my life, my true nature, that I've kept from you both. It's time you both knew.”

Only the crackle and pop of the fire answered him, as he breathed deeply and exhaled slowly. He climbed up onto all fours, turning about, before laying back down again, looking at each of them in turn – his gaze lingering on Elara. His eyes, once warm, held a distant sadness as he delved deep into the recesses of his memories.

“I wasn't always like this,” Noel gestured with a paw, encompassing his kangaroo form. “It's a curse, or a blessing, depending on how you look at it.”

He shook himself, a deep, full-body tremble.

Elara, Becky, and Alex exchanged perplexed glances, three sets of eyes turning to look at Noel, who visibly wilted beneath their gaze.

“I took...” Noel's voice faltered, as he looked away. “I took a life, that was not mine to take.”

Behind him, the log popped with a loud crack, startling Alex and Becky, as the hot cinders flew up the chimney.

Noel's fur trembled, and Elara couldn't help but notice the vulnerability that etched across his features. The scent of burning wood hung in the air, yet the room grew colder, despite the roaring fire. The loud crack echoed, mirroring the shock reverberating through Elara's very soul. As the hot cinders ascended the chimney, disappearing into the unknown, the weight of Noel's remorse seemed to crush him even more.

“I used to be human,” Noel confessed, his voice quiet and deeply introspective and heartfelt regret. “A kangaroo shooter, among other things. I was a different man back then, driven by a different set of values... or perhaps, the lack thereof – before I met you, Elara...”

He traced invisible patterns on the cabin floor with a leathery paw, an almost ritualistic gesture, that seemed somehow, to connect him with the haunting memories of his past.

“There was a mob of kangaroos, innocent, pure, and harming no one, out in the wilderness. I wasn't just an observer; I was a predator,” Noel continued, his eyes starting to well with tears that slid down his cheeks to spatter on the carpet. “I took them – all of them – the last one, she moved – it – wasn't a clean shot. I took the life of a doe, a mother, and her joey. I was angry at myself – at her – an innocent, gentle creature... It was a moment of pure brutality that has stained my soul.”

Elara's eyes widened, shock and disbelief etched on her face. Alex, still processing the complexities of his own transformation, trembled in Becky's gentle embrace, a chill running down his spine.

“I wish, gods, how I wish - I wish I could undo that act, erase it from the tapestry of time,” Noel confessed, his voice broken and tinged with a blend of remorse and self-loathing. “In that moment, I was blinded by a lack of empathy, driven by a disconnected heart and mind.”

Around them, the cottage living room, once warm and inviting, now felt as cold and quiet as the outside air itself. Noel looked directly at Elara, his eyes beseechingly searching for forgiveness, understanding, and perhaps – redemption.

“I...will not distress you with the details. I do not expect you to condone what I did,” Noel said, his lips barely moving, his eyes holding hers. “I only... as for the chance, please, to be different, to be a true father, to make amends in the time we have together.”

Elara, nausea filling her, felt the swirl of conflicting emotions, torn between the kind, gentle man she had known and fallen in love with, the kangaroo he had become – and this terrible, painful revelation.

Noel's gaze remained fixed on Elara, his mate, his eyes seeking a response through word or expression, of his confession. His paw moved, tracing invisible patterns on the floor, seeming to connect him to a haunting past. Elara's widening eyes mirrored her shock and disbelief. Alex, still grappling with his own forced transformation, trembled in Becky's gentle embrace. In this moment, Elara sensed the complexities of their intertwined destinies.

“I wasn't cursed to become a kangaroo. I chose it,” Noel admitted the words torn from him in a broken, faltering tone. “It was a twisted act of redemption, a desperate attempt to beg their spirits for forgiveness, for what I had done.”

Elara's eyes widened, and a mix of horror and confusion spread across her face. Alex, lovingly licking and nuzzling Becky's face, turned his head to look at his father with a newfound complexity, emotions his marsupial form was incapable of expression, filling his mind.

“I believe, no, I know, I needed to pay for my sins, to understand the pain I caused,” Noel continued the words emerging slowly, as though pulled from a deep well somewhere within him and given their freedom. “Somehow, through forces I cannot comprehend, I was given this shifter ability. Was it a blessing? A curse? Some act of a vengeful God for my transgressions? I do not know. When you, my mate – told me you were with Joey – forgive me. With a child, my shock and fear triggered the change within me... I cannot change back, I am – what I appear. A kangaroo – a constant reminder of my past misdeeds.”

A bitter irony hung in the air, as Noel recounted his journey from the heart of darkness to the form of a gentle marsupial. The room, once warm, now hung heavy like a confessional where the sins of the past were laid bare.

“I can't explain the - how – it happened. It's a mysterious aspect, a memory, I cannot recall.” Noel sniffled and tried to blink away the salty tears. “Yet it serves as a living penance, a daily struggle to reconcile my lost humanity – with the creature whose body I share myself with.”

Elara, torn between the man she thought she knew and loved, and the ghastly, horrible truth he unfolded before them, could only listen as Noel bore the scars of his tormented soul.

“After...after I left, I found solace in the simplicity of a kangaroo's life. A life without the complexities that led me astray,” Noel confessed. “Yet I yearned to return, truly I did – but the fears within me drove me to flee, to hide from humans, for fear I would suffer the fate I had inflicted on their – my – kind, in turn. It doesn't ease the pain I inflicted upon them. Those souls I took haunt me every second, of every day. I sleep – and their terrified screams reverberate in my mind...”

Noel's eyes began to glisten with fresh un-shed tears, stared into Elara's gaze. He sought something he thought she'd never give him. Understanding, forgiveness, and perhaps, a glimmer of acceptance.

He turned his head to look at Alex, who pointedly turned his away, his ears going flat in the only way he could, to express his feelings towards his father.

“I deserve that – I do,” Noel murmured, dropping his eyes. “I share this with you, not to excuse my actions, but to reveal the truth. I am no longer the man who committed such atrocities. I am a kangaroo – with a human mind, a flawed being, striving for redemption.”

As the fire crackled and popped behind him, the warmth of the flames contrasted sharply with the cold, bitter reality of the tale he had told them.

Elara, caught between the love she once knew, and the weight of Noel's sins, felt conflicted and torn. As the revelation settled like the snow outside the cottage, she faced a choice – to condemn the man who once was or embrace the kangaroo.

Alex, with a choked-off cough, crawled off the couch and fled into the bedroom, Becky following him, her tears breaking to heart-wrenching sobs as she slammed the door behind her, leaving Elara and Noel, who prostrated himself on the ground, in a painful and awkward position, his eyes squeezed closed as he awaited Elara's judgment.

Elara sat in stunned silence, her mind swirling with the tempest of emotions. Noel's revelation, his confession, and the weight of his guilt and sins hung heavily in the air. As the crackling of the fire seemed to mock the frozen silence that had gripped the room.

Noel, still on the floor, maintained his posture of submission, as he awaited forgiveness – or condemnation – from his mate. His eyes, glistening with the un-shed tears, finally released them, as they tracked down his wet cheeks and once more splattered onto the carpet. He trembled, he couldn't help it, seeking in his own, meager way, something he truly feared he might never receive – forgiveness from the one he loved.

As the seconds stretched out to minutes, then an hour, Elara felt the weight of her decision bearing heavily upon her. She looked down at the kangaroo before her, a being forged from the ashes of a tormented past, a past that lay exposed, and vulnerable.

A bitter irony struck Elara – the man who had taken lives now transformed into a creature that obviously, cherished its own. Could redemption truly be possible for his human soul? Could she find it in her heart to accept the kangaroo – innocent and pure, forcibly amalgamated with the memories of the human entity that now possessed its form? Was the kangaroo at fault? The human? Was it an unwitting companion to the haunting memories of the man he once was? Did any trace of its marsupial spirit still linger within, trapped and helpless – a living hell it couldn't escape? Or had it passed peacefully into whatever hereafter awaited, leaving behind its mortal shell?

Elara remained silent, grappling with the weight of Noel's revelation. As the fire crackled and popped, providing a stark contrast to the icy chill that settled over her heart. Elara gazed at Noel, still on the ground, his muffled sobs and tears still coming, as he awaited her judgment.

Around them, the room seemed to close in, as Elara pondered the implications of Noel's confession. Yes, the man she had known and loved, as a man, had a dark past, one stained with the blood of innocent creatures. His transformation into a kangaroo, a creature she now regarded with newfound complexity, only deepened the layers within her mind – and she contemplated their complex, intertwined destiny together, or even if, they had one.

As Elara's thoughts swirled in confusion, the door to the bedroom creaked open. Alex emerged, his eyes glistening, his cheek fur wet, as he crawled halfway out then stopped, staring at Noel. A mixture of anger, sadness, and confusion through his body language and scent, struck Noel like a bullet to the heart. Becky followed him, a gentle, reassuring touch – whether for Alex – or herself, she wasn't sure. Her gentle touch was a comforting presence beside the troubled young buck.

Elara's gaze shifted between Alex and Becky, the two people she cared for deeply – one human, one kangaroo. Silence held, heavy and ponderous, and the ghosts of Noel's past actions. Elara felt torn between the memories of the man she'd once known and loved and the innocence of the kangaroo that now shared his form.

Noel, sensing the tension, slowly raised himself off the floor, his eyes searching and pleading for understanding. Behind him, the mocking crackling of the fire seemed oblivious – or perhaps maliciously – fought against the silence. Elara took a deep breath, breaking the stillness as she finally come to a conclusion.

“Noel,” Elara began, her voice shaky, but firm. “I need – we – as a family, will need time to process this, to understand and come to terms – as well as we can, everything. It's a lot to take in.”

Noel flinched at her words, glancing out at the falling snow, before he flattened his ears and crouched, coughing in submission at Elara's words.

Alex, still visibly upset, slammed a foot down on the floor with a loud thud. Noel's head snapped around and even Elara startled. With a titanic effort, Alex, his eyes mere slits, looked like he'd gut his father where he stood, with his powerful, sharp hind foot talons.

“...ow ould you...” Alex snarled, his body shaking with suppressed rage. “...ould you... very thing...you...”

Alex clenched his paws, his frustration and anger strangling his already barely perceptible words.

Noel winced at his son's words and body language, his eyes downcast. Becky, ever the supporting presence, gently touched Alex's arm, offering silent solidarity with her mate.

Elara's mind raced, torn between the man she had loved, and had conceived a child with, and the hurting, scared kangaroo that sought solace and redemption. She needed time to unravel the complexities of her feelings and decide whether she could accept this new reality.

As the fire danced and crackled in its mad way, casting flickering shadows on the faces of the troubled trio. Once a sanctuary, the cottage, now felt like a fragile refuge threatened by the storm of emotions constrained within its four walls.

In the midst of the turmoil, Elara made a decision – a temporary one. “Noel, as I said. We need some space. I need time to think, to get myself straight, and Alex needs time to process this. We'll talk later but for now...”

Elara walked to the door, pulling it open. A blast of frigid, wintry air swirled, bringing with it crystals of snow.

“Leave - “ Elara's voice caught in her throat, quiet, yet threatening. “Walk out of here... whilst you still can...”

Noel glanced at them, then with a heavy heart, he nodded understandingly. He retreated out onto the porch, where he shivered in the cold before Elara slammed the door firmly and resoundingly behind him.

What have I done – Noel's mind reeled, his wet cheeks instantly frosting in the cold. Why did I reveal my darkest secret – to those whom I love?

He found he had no answers...

Quietly, he hopped, then struggled as the thickening snow drifts sought to drag him down into their cold embrace.

It'd be so easy - Noel's dark thoughts floated through his mind. Just lay down in a snow drift, and go to sleep – you've hurt those you love and cherish worse than you can imagine. They'd be better off if you never darkened their doorstep again.

*

“...ate him!” Alex snarled, more feral than actual words, Becky holding him from behind, struggling to keep him from crashing through the cottage window and going after his father. “...im dead!”

“Alex, please,” Becky pleaded. “Please my love, please don't say these things! There's been enough horrible things said...”

Elara slumped on the couch, her hopes, her dreams, turning to ashes in her hands, as she sobbed helplessly. Drawing strength from somewhere deep within herself, Elara's tears eased, and she held her hands out to Alex. Struggling in Becky's grip, who refused to let him go, Alex slowly settled, before Becky let him go and the hysterical kangaroo fled to Elara, leaping onto the couch and awkwardly cuddling her. Becky sat on Elara's right, placing an arm gently across the older woman's shoulder, as Elara caressed and stroked the sobbing marsupial, his head laying on her lap as he fought the emotions within him. He struggled with a cocktail of anger, betrayal, and the deep inability to forgive his father.

None of them would sleep this night...

*

Days passed, each moment heavy with the weight of their unresolved emotions. Once warm and inviting, the cottage now felt like a battleground of shattered trust and broken dreams. Elara, torn between the love she once knew and the painful truth revealed, knew that healing her heavy heart would require time.

Late one evening, as she sat alone on the couch, her eyes fixated on the crackling fireplace, the snowflakes continuing to dance outside, Elara gathered her scattered thoughts. She realized that complete forgiveness might be elusive, especially for Alex, whose sensitivity ran deep. Her family needed a resolution that allowed for healing, understanding, and the possibility – however slight – of a new beginning.

*

Elara gathered Alex and Becky for a family meeting one early morning. Alex, consumed by sullen torment, trembled under the tension that threatened to erupt at any moment. Even Becky's comforting touch did little to ease the agitation of the increasingly aggressive kangaroo.

“Alex, my son,” Elara began her voice a tapestry of tenderness woven with a mother's love. “I understand your pain, and I won't ask you to forgive if you cannot. Yet, we need to find a way to heal as a family. I propose we...”

“...NO!” came Alex's sharp rebuke.

“This isn't open for debate,” Elara snapped back, instantly regretting the sharpness in her tone as she saw Alex shrink back as though she had slapped him. “What he did is unforgivable, and it is – I want you to know that.”

Peering around from behind Becky, Alex stared at her, wide-eyed and disbelieving, his ears involuntarily listening as Elara continued speaking.

“He is not the same man who did those horrible things. I know him – deeply, spiritually, and passionately. I knew not the man that was, only the man that he became. He was kind, gentle, and loving. He brought me life and warmth – and brought me the greatest thing ever – you...”

“...hurting...” Alex's weak voice spoke up as he pressed a paw against his chest, over his heart.

“I know, I'm hurting too, as is your mate, Becky. We're all hurting, but we need to put this behind us – all of us – if we're to truly move forward. He's not that man anymore; I know it deep in my heart. Whatever happened to him, that person is gone – dead for all accounts and purposes. Your father, my mate, is kind, loving, gentle, and beautiful in heart and spirit. And I believe we can find a way to rebuild our family, wounded, yes, but stronger.”

Elara's impassioned words hung in the air, waiting for a response from Alex. Their combined grief and anger felt oppressive in the small kitchen, and for a moment, there was silence as Alex grappled with his conflicted emotions once more.

Alex's eyes darted between Elara and Becky, searching for signs of sincerity and understanding. His chest rose and fell with his panting breaths, and his paws clenched, revealing the inner turmoil he struggled to contain.

Becky, standing in front of him, protectively, turned about, then crouched down, taking his paws in her hands. As he sniffled and looked up into her warm, sympathetic eyes, Alex quivered, the fight draining out of him, leaving him chilled in its passing. Becky held his gaze, then used her thumbs to lightly brush away the tears from his wet cheeks, then hugged him tight.

Elara, her heart pounding, as Alex looked over Becky's shoulder at her, held Alex's gaze with a look of vulnerability in her own eyes. Even though they shared a bond, it was strained, stretched almost to breaking point. Yet Elara believed her words, in the possibility of healing, of building a new foundation from the shattered remnants of her broken family.

“Alex,” Elara said softly, her voice soothing and calm. “I'm not asking for you to forget or pretend that the past, didn't happen. I'm asking, please, as your mother – and his mate – for you to consider the man, the buck, that Noel is now – the one who regrets his actions, the one who has worked tirelessly to change and seek redemption – to be given one last chance. To truly, seek redemption, for us to be a family again.”

Alex's eyes flickered with uncertainty, and his conflicted expression, as well as it could be read on his marsupial face, left Elara confused. Memories of his father's dark confession still haunted him, but the words Elara had spoken, resonated with a deeper truth that tugged at his weary, wounded soul.

“You're hurting, and I see that pain in your eyes,” Elara continued, her voice filled with empathy. “We can choose to let this pain define us or guide us towards healing. Your father – Noel – is out there, waiting. He's not the man that committed those atrocities, as I've explained. He's a changed being – in more ways than one, and like us, he needs his family, just as we need him.”

Becky gently stroked Alex's ears, encouraging through her tender touch, for him to release the pent-up emotions trapped within him. He took a quivering breath, his internal battle evident. Elara's words had pierced through his layers of anger and resentment, planting a seed of hope.

After a moment, that to him felt like eternity itself, Alex exhaled and nodded slowly. His acknowledgment was subtle, but it spoke in words he himself, could not. Becky let out a soft grunt, which made Alex's ears twitch, as he glanced at her, surprise in his facial expression as he reciprocated with a series of grunts and coughs until Becky laughed nervously and held up a hand.

“Woah, slow down – I'm... gods, am I even making any sense? I don't have your vocal range, I'm not a kangaroo! I'm...”

“...tying - “ Alex growled, then shook his head. “Trying...”

Becky smiled, then cupping his wet cheeks in her hands, she kissed his forehead. “Yes, my love – I am...”

*

As the wintry days unfolded, Alex's burden began to ease, thanks to Elara and Becky's unwavering love and patient talks. Once traumatized, the young buck embarked on a subtle transformation, navigating his way through a spectrum of emotions, from hatred to grief and onwards. His father's dark past still haunted him, tightly gripping his heart in an icy grasp, until Elara's heartfelt words drove away the darkness within Alex. Elara assured him that what happened before she met Noel, belonged in the past. Elara knew Noel's heart; she acknowledged his once-cruel nature, but her words spoke eloquence of the passion, love, and gentleness she had experienced with her mate.

*

Meanwhile, in the biting cold, Noel pressed on through the snowy landscape. His fur tried to protect him from the worst of the winter chill, but more and more, the icy fingers plucked away tiny pieces of the exhausted, shivering kangaroo's body warmth. His head lifted, ice-tufted ears that were frozen, he could barely feel them, as he grunted and called out – searching desperately for his own kind – his mob.

Only the mocking howls of the winter winds answered him.

His fur ruffled by the wind, he struggled through increasingly deeper drifts, once again having his very life force sapped from him. If he could just find them, he'd find comfort and warmth amongst their kind. When he arrived at their winter resting place – his despondent eyes cast about, searching desperately, but seeing only white snow, where there should be kangaroos huddled together for combined warmth and reassurance.

Not a trace was left behind, no spoor, no scent – nothing – it was as if they'd just vanished from the earth. Panicked, he clawed at the cold, frozen ground, then in drifts and even dropped to all fours and pushed through the heavy snow that shrouded the pine trees – the slump of falling snow striking him as he shook it off.

Desperate, he cried out – his grunts and cries fading as his frozen ears twitched, hoping against hope for an answering cry...

Only silence answered him...

Despondent, he faced a lonely reality. As he curled up as best he could beneath the pine tree, shivering and miserable, he closed his eyes and prayed for the end to come, to put a stop to the torment, to free him from his pain and suffering. His own dark thoughts closed in on him – the once powerful and dominant buck – now broken and cast aside.

He felt the ghosts of his past sink their eldritch claws into him, robbing him of body warmth and life, their screams in his mind shredding his last hold on his hope – little by little.

For the first time in his life...

He was truly...

Alone...

*

In the quiet hours of the wintry night, long after Becky and Alex succumbed to a deep, exhausted sleep, Elara stirred in the cottage. Gently untangling herself from the blanket that had shrouded her in its comfort, Elara adorned herself in layers of thick, windproof clothing.

Silently, Elara padded across the creaky floor, careful not to disturb the tranquillity that settled over the room. As the door swung open, revealing the cold night air that nipped at exposed skin, Elara stepped out, her breath forming ethereal clouds in the frigid darkness.

Driven by an unexplained sense of urgency, she followed this strange sensation, guided by an invisible thread that drew her through the fields. Snow crunched underneath her boots, the only sounds that she could hear. As she walked, Elara became increasingly aware of how bitterly cold it was, yet her determination drove her endlessly forward – often one painful step at a time.

Eventually, she reached the edge of her farm, where the forest was thin. Gazing at the landscape as best she could, it was shrouded in white, grey, and black shadows, like she was viewing it through a monochromatic filter. Turning about, Elara clutched her gloved hands under her armpits, her breath foggy as she reached out with all her senses, trying to see, hear or sense in general, the faintest thread that still bound her to her mate.

A thought – there and gone – before Elara could grasp it, almost like a dream, it was elusive. A second of a vision almost – of a large pine, its lower branches dusted with a sprinkling of the snow – and beneath it...

Elara gasped, her eyes widening as she blinked, the lashes fluttering snow from them.

Noel...

How she found him, Elara did not know. When she did find him, his body was still and almost as cold as the snow that covered the land. He was barely breathing, his fur frosted over with a layer of snow. Elara knew the cold had taken its toll, threatening to steal what little life that lingered within him.

Fear gripped Elara's heart, as she knelt down beside him. That thread that guided her here, intensified as she pressed her gloved hands against his fur, prompting immediate action. Ignoring the bitter chill that clawed at her own exposed skin, Elara began to unwrap the layers of protective clothing that shielded her from the winter embrace. She wrapped herself over and around Noel, her naked body from throat to groin, pressed down hard on his icy, cold body.

Desperately, Elara shivered, feeling her body warmth slowly melting away the ice from his fur, her arms around him, pulling him tight and attempting to infuse life back into the almost frozen kangaroo. As the biting cold seeped into her bones, Elara persisted, her shivering growing worse as his coldness sapped the heat from her as well.

Time lost any meaning as Elara clung to him, offering the warmth that only a beating heart could provide. Frustrated, Elara began to weep, before anger replaced her grief and she began to beat her fists against his body, sobbing and repeating his name again and again in a wailing cacophony.

“Fuck you, Noel,” Elara raged, her anger reaching an intensity she'd never known she'd had within her – the years of abandonment, the grief, the pain – all of it – all at once, threatened to destroy her. “You hear me, you worthless pile of bones and fur? Don't you fucking give up on me! Fight or I'll come to hell myself and drag that screaming kangaroo soul back! Fuck you, you hear that? Fuck you...”

Elara continued to rage and beat him, threatening to fracture ribs or outright shatter them, before Noel's weak, chattering gurgle reached her ears.

“If...you wanted...to mate... with me – you're...doing it...wrong.”

TO BE CONTINUED...