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Special acknowledgment to OberonSnowcat for helping with the conversation between

Snowdrift and Sundawn in this story, as shi is his character.

Thank you once again for your help to make our tales entertaining too read.

UNBEARABLE LOSS

Part 4

By Snowdrift.

2347

Chakona

Silver Lake.

Glazer Residence.

Snowdrift looked at the other household members, Stephan and his daughters, Stephillum and Solarblaze, hir recent denmate. Who was drooling over the food. Sundawn was busy nursing Dawnlight. Crysteen was playing with Frostpaw as hir mate Nordic was smiling and watching. The matriarch of the house; Illumanati, was busy serving the meal. Sitting down next too Sundawn, Snowdrift couldn't help but feel a little jealous at the new mother. The love and security of the household felt strange and alien too her, now that she was without a cub. If she was still pregnant, then she would be at ease and enjoying the conversations. But as it was, she felt like an outsider, encroaching on the happy family. She felt like she didn't belong.

"So Snowy, what was it like being in that awful place?" Nordic asked, getting her attention.

"Pardon? What place?" she asked, puzzled.

"That laboratory you were rescued from?"

"Oh, I wouldn't wanna go back there. But, despite the harshness and the abuse, there were some good moments." Snowdrift replied, smiling slightly.

"Oh? What were the good moments?" he asked, clearly interested.

"My time with Kevin, my human handler." She replied, blushing some.

"Oh? Was he...?" he began, then yelped as Crysteen jabbed him in the side.

"Enough hun, I don't think she wants too share her intimate moments with you. Can't you see how she is blushing?" The vixen herm remarked, winking at Snowdrift.

She just blushed even more, and then looked up when Nati was serving her breakfast.

<Ok hun, what would you have? There's bacon, eggs, sausages, oatmeal, roasted tomatoes. Hash browns, Meatballs and Onion rings.> Illumanati asked, using hir telepathy ability.

The white tigertaur's muzzle just drooled from the aroma coming from the cart, and then her stomach growled from hunger. Frostpaw heard her stomach growl and whimpered, looking around for the monster. Solarblaze heard this as well, and growled, then moved closer too comfort the young kit.

"It's ok, I will protect you from the belly beast." Shi replied, stroking the folf and projecting hir empathic ability on the kit, who started murring and nursing again.

Both Stephan and Illumanati chuckled at this, remembering the exact same moment on Terra decades ago, at the Melbourne Double H Club.

Once the food was served, the family became quiet and said grace, blessing the bountiful food and companionship as well as those who are away in spirit or distance. Then they said amen before beginning eating. Snowdrift was quiet, slowly chewing on a slice of well cooked bacon. Sundawn noticed this and quietly asked her what was wrong.

<Hunni, I noticed that you are quiet this morning, what's wrong?>

Snowdrift answered with her limited telepathic ability.

<Nothing, I was just thinking.> she replied, struggling to put words into coherent thoughts.

<About what?>

Snowdrift sighed and placed her fork on the plate and politely excused herself from the table. The other's stopped their idle chatter, sensing something was up.

Sundawn followed hir second mate outside and onto the back porch, which overlooked the beautiful lake. Snowdrift was sitting down on her hunches, watching a few furs swim or ride skidoo's on the crystal clear water. Sundawn sat beside her and placed a comforting arm around the tigertaur's shoulders.

"Snowy, what's the matter? And don't tell me it's nothing. We all can sense your misery." The cheetah coloured chakat asked, love and concern in hir voice.

"I don't feel like I belong here Sunny." She replied, still looking at the happy group playing together on the grass or in the water.

"Snowy, you belong here as much as I do. You and I both share a mate..."

Snowdrift looks at hir new mate with a pained expression on her face.

"A mate that thinks shi is 5..." she retorted, a little too harshly.

Sundawn nodded as shi continued to rub the tigertaur's shoulders, projecting calm too hir mate.

"Yes, that is true. But for hir to fully heal is if we all are there to support and love hir, until shi remembers us."

Snowdrift sniffles and wipes her nose and eyes. Clearly on the verge of tears.

"Shi senses a kinship in you, some bond. Shi knows hir family, parents and sister. Shi even remembers Crysteen, even though shi has grown up too be a beautiful vixen. But shi doesn't even have the same connection with me like the others." She replied, absently playing with her tail.

"Hun, Solarblaze and I have been life mates for a very long time, and before that we were empathically bonded since we were cubs. But even I find it hard with hir condition the way it is. I still love hir, and so does Dawny; but certain things still upset me. Like intimacy. Even though shi has a body of an adult, shi still thinks like a cub." Sundawn replied, also feeling slightly alone.

"So I guess I'm just a convenient fur too keep the bed warm until shi gets better, eh?" Snowdrift replied, realizing she just spoke out of turn from the hurt expression on Sundawn's face.

"I... I'm sorry. That was mean and uncalled for. I guess I'm just jealous that you knew Solar far longer than me."

Sundawn just smiled and hugged hir mate, giving a nuzzle, realizing just how much Snowdrift was really hurting. Emotionally and psychologically.

"It's ok sweety, shi'll remember you soon. Just like shi'll remember everyone shi cares about.

"Yes, but shi and I have only known each other since we first met after I was rescued. We seem to have a bond, a unique kinship that you don't seen too have with hir. But I don't feel it any more with hir. To hir, I am a stranger. But that is not all."

"You can rekindle that bond love... give it time."

"I know, but it's not just hir that makes me feel like an outsider." Snowdrift replied, looking down at the ground in shame.

"I sure hope I don't make you feel like an outsider hun?"

Snowdrift looks up at Sundawn with a painful but honest glance and nods.

"Yes, you, Crysteen and even Illumanati. The only one I feel comfortable around is Stephillum."

"Oh? But we are all trying to make you feel welcome... even Dawny is trying, in hir cute way."

"I know, and I appreciate that. And there lies the problem. It's nothing personal on your part. It's me. I feel out of place, surrounded by loving parents, where I was robbed of being one." The tigertaur looks down at her chest and lightly rubs her scar, wincing from the pain.

"That's probably why Dawny wanted to nurse... to make you feel, even if only partially, like a parent. Shi's very picky really." Sundawn replied, softly tracing the scar from the outside. Snowdrift smiled and hugged hir gently. But she wasn't finished, there was more to discuss.

"But there is something else."

"Oh? What is it?"

"I wanna feel like I belong, that I contribute to this world."

"To the family?"

"No, to life." Snowdrift replied, breaking from the embrace to walk on the grass, feeling the soft earthy texture between her toes and padded paws.

"Well you are... whether you believe it or not you're affecting the family by being here... My step-mother Suria wouldn't be here if you hadn't been there too rescue hir. Even at the cost of your cub. And we are deeply honoured by your bravery. We are just saddened that it came at a hefty price." Sunny purred, sorrow and sadness mixed together, as shi joined hir second mate.

"Yes, it was a heavy price to pay. But I want more. To give as well as too receive. I have more that I can offer."

"Giving Suria her life is quite the contribution." Sundawn added, rubbing Snowdrift's back.

Sighing with frustration, Snowdrift lightly shrugged off hir mates "You still don't get it. I wanna offer my skills and abilities." She replied, facing the large chakamil, standing proud and majestic.

"Are you planning on enlisting? You don't mean the Starfleet academy? Solarblaze and I are both sworn members of Starfleet. And it's not a career to be taken lightly" shi said, concerned for Snowdrift's wellbeing.

"I know, I am not some novice. I do have training in the military, or have you forgotten where I came from?" the genetically engineered tigertaur remarked, referring to her 5 years of being trained to infiltrate and dispose of enemy soldiers.

"But, why the service? Surely there are other avenue's you can pursue. Other careers to follow. What about the police? Or security? Why would you wanna enlist in such a dangerous career?" Sundawn asked, even though shi knew, deep down within hir heart and soul why Snowdrift was following in Solarblaze's pawpads. Shi just needed her to say it.

"This is the reason." Snowdrift replied, reaching into her saddle that she was wearing and produce clippings of news articles and hands them to Sundawn.

Sundawn takes them and starts looking through the clippings, each one made hir angrier that the last, but one made hir growl and tremble with rage.

"Mother..." shi whimpered.

The news articles were of Human First involvements in bombings, riots, murders, vandalism and disappearances involving furs. The bombing of Amistad that claimed Solarblaze's mother, the fire that took Illumanati's parents from hir. Plus the riot in Melbourne that took Crysteen's father as well as the riot in Calgary, Alberta, Canada which claimed Sundawn's mother.

Snowdrift nodded at Sundawn's reaction. "Yes, do you see what I am getting at? I don't wanna sit idly by as my friends and family are risking their own lives against these hypocrites. I wanna help stop this atrocity."

"I understand, but regardless of the training you have acquired, Starfleet training is tough an arduous."

"Who says I want to train as a Starfleet grunt?" Snowdrift replied, her arms crossed against her chest.

"What? Federation Counter Terrorism? The FCT training is even tougher. And even more dangerous."

"So? Solarblaze didn't do any special training. They recruited hir due to hir special ability."

"Even so, shi still had too attend boot and took a physical. Tell me, how many chin-ups can you do?"

"60 chin-ups, 90 pushups and 25 confirmed kills. Including my own brother." Snowdrift remarked, a slight pained expression for admitting her brothers death, at her own claws. "And besides, you've also forgetting my other ability as well."

"Your optical camouflage?"

Snowdrift nodded, vanishing before Sundawn's eyes. If it wasn't for the chakat's sensitive infrared vision, shi wouldn't be able to locate the elusive tigertaur. "Very handy too get into and out of places undetected." She added, re-emerging again, smiling.

"All the same Snowy, the F.C.T. will still want you to go through boot camp and weapons training."

Snowdrift giggled and reaches again into her saddle, and produce an ID card, with a face that made Sundawn growl with fear and dread. Shi recognized the stern visage of Corporal Khan Firemane. The Rakshani officer who tortured and bullied hir when shi was a cub, back when Solarblaze went feral during the session with hir stepmother Snowfur.

"Where did you get his ID card?" shi asked, looking away from the picture, a shudder went through hir from the memories of the electronic shock shi received.

"When I arrived here with Solarblaze; I met him at the starport. He offered a position in the service, but Solar declined, stating that I will raise our cub, safe and sound. But now, shi can't tell me what too do with my life. Before we left, he secretly slipped his contact card in my hand, saying that If I ever changed my mind, that I should call him."

"Oh... and now you're considering taking up his offer?"

Snowdrift nodded, smiling.

"And you want to join up now? Boot is tough, but I sense that you could make it." Sundawn replied, placing a hand on Snowdrift's shoulder.

"Yes, but I am not stupid. I won't join up in my current state, so soon after the accident. I will wait a couple of months until I am strong enough."

"Sound decision. Okay... would you like some help getting fit? My dad could really toughen you up... and my great grandpa is even tougher... though shi is older than dirt."

Snowdrift giggled and slapped Sundawn on the shoulder. "That will be great. Its good too have someone like you Sunny. And who knows, we may even spar together once I'm healed and in top shape."

"Yes, that would be good. Gives us some different bodily exercise we can do beside the bedroom aerobics." Gives a chuckle before adding. "And great grandpa Stormsurge is one of the original chakamils... as well as a veteran of Starfleet Marines. Shi'll give you a real workout."

"Hmm It'll be interesting meeting hir. Now, I don't know about you, but I'm famished."

Snowdrift offers her arm, which Sundawn happily acceptes, and they both walk arm in arm back into the house and into the lounge, to finish off what was left of their breakfast.

"Yes... breakfast..." Sundawn began, before laughing as Dawnlight jumps at you with a yowling mewl.

Snowdrift catches the purring kitten and starts nuzzling hir belly.

"Can I have hir please... I bet shi's hungry." Sundawn asked, holding out hir arms to take the cub from hir mate.

"Of course." Snowdrift replied, handing the giggling cub too hir, but shi refused and started nursing on the uninjured breast.

"Well, it seems like you've picked up a hitchhiker." Sundawn replied, smiling.

"Look what followed me home, can I keep hir?" Snowdrift joked, purring as the three of them entered the lounge.

"Only until shi's full. I don't wanna battle for hir custody in the courts." Shi replied, poking hir tongue out at Snowdrift's cross eyed look.

Shortly, once every one was fed, Snowdrift and Sundawn settled the sleepy cub into hir crib, before they settled down in each others arms, caressing and murring sweet words of love, as they rekindled what they started before being interrupted by a curious kitten.

To Be Continued....