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1. Restart

Hours later, Keurin and Aderrian crept out of the dragon's bedroom and into the bathroom to shower. They held one another under the hot water, groping and washing, giggling and kissing.

Their first time happened so naturally: melding from the kiss in the lobby into Aderrian carrying the dragon upstairs like a bride; standing in the doorway; falling against one another; Aderrian's hand going for Keurin's; holding him there; growling softly, almost a purr; slipping into the bedroom, on the bed now; Aderrian pinning the dragon down, strong hands holding Keurin's wrists against the mattress; a knee pressing gently against the dragon's crotch; the desire of almost a decade escaping both of their bodies like two trains out of control; their lips parting to meet one another in the throes of passion; clothes flung to the floor; a pair of boxers hanging on the nightstand lamp; the bed creaking rhythmically; shallow breaths, hot, wet against the orca's skin; the dragon's fur standing on end; lips curled back in a lustful snarl; a whimper, and then it was finished.

After round two in the shower, taking so long that all of the hot water was used up, they redressed.

"Are you hungry? Can I make you anything to eat?" the dragon asked, turning to the orca who was leaning against the counter, thoroughly satisfied. He stepped forward, taking the dragon into his arms to kiss him. The action never grew old, stale - every kiss was like a first kiss, their lips full of sparks erupting across the skin.

"Actually I'm in the mood for Mexican," the orca said, his arms around the dragon's waist. "Is that okay?"

"That sounds great," Keurin replied, smiling.

So they went to Keurin's favorite: Los Arcos. It was a family owned place - the kind of place where you could get to know the owners personally: you shopped with these folks, your kids and their kids were classmates, you passed them on the streets. The son, Enrique, recognized the dragon almost by name. He called Keurin Morado - purple, for his purple fur.

Enrique was a human - an actual human - which was rare for a city like Upper Portdam. The man was nearly thirty years of age as far as Keurin could tell. He had a short crop of very curly, black hair and a handsome, gentle face.

"Hey, Morado," he said as the dragon and orca entered. "Two?"

Keurin nodded and they were seated. Los Arcos was an all-you-can-eat place and one look at the buffet tables and the massive group clamoring around them would let you know right away just how great the place was... if the aromas weren't enough! Keurin and Aderrian were seated at the bar. They munched on chips and salsa and chatted happily. It was a great turn from the events that morning with Marc and his paranoid fiancé Toby. The dragon had forgotten the entire ordeal, but Aderrian was thinking hard about it.

He felt guilty - actually guilty - for going after Marc; not because he thought the huskywolf didn't deserve to experience that which he was dishing out to Keurin, but because he feared it would upset the dragon if he found out...

"Aderrian?"

"Yes?"

"Just asking if you're ready to eat," the dragon said with a small giggle.

"Oh, yeah, definitely; I'm starving," Aderrian replied with a smirk, eyeing the dragon and making him blush.

"Oh stop..." Keurin said, smiling bashfully.

They ate, feasting on all manner of foods: enchiladas, chimichangas, and tacos - and after were thoroughly full and miserable and ready for a nap. They returned home and promptly fell onto the couch to watch television.

Aderrian lay on his back, pulling Keurin on top of him. The dragon's head lay on Aderrian's chest, his arms around the large orca. Aderrian cradled him, playing with the frills on one of his ears absently; running his fingers through the dragon's hair occasionally, affectionately; his hand disappearing under the mat of silky, brown hair; goose bumps pricking up all over the dragon's skin, making him groan a little; the orca watching the dragon's eyes, slowly drooping; lulled to sleep by Aderrian's stroking.

The orca watched Keurin while he slept, falling in love with him all over again like the first time so many years ago - when he had looked across the kids' pool on the cruise ship and had spotted the dragon and his ex, Marc, playing with the children; getting out and talking to one another; holding hands now; Aderrian growing jealous; walking over to kindly ask them not to - PDAs weren't allowed around the kiddie pool; openly flirting with the dragon; winking at him; sowing the first seed of Marc's jealousy; the seed sprouting and blossoming into an argument a few days later in the ship's casino when Aderrian had purchased a drink for the dragon; always turned down but never discouraged; Marc stepping over and Aderrian leaving; hearing about the argument the next day; feeling guilty then, too, that he had caused such a thing; going to talk with the huskywolf and assure him nothing was going on while secretly wishing something was; Marc coming around and beating back his jealousy, but it would always be there, now; the last day of the cruise spent frivolously; the three of them hanging out; then Aderrian getting a moment alone with Keurin and taking the photo he would give as a Christmas gift so many years later; the lack of contact with the dragon driving Aderrian insane; so completely lonely but afraid to call or text for fear of further damaging the dragon's relationship with Marc; one lonely night finally tipping him over the edge; making him call the dragon and come visit; finding out he and Marc had split up; a wave of joy filling Aderrian's heart, then immediately replaced with the same guilt he felt now; even more so now that he had, again, finished what Toby started.

The orca suddenly squeezed the dragon into a tight hug, waking him up, making him squeak in surprise.

"What? What?" Keurin sputtered as he woke.

"Nothing," Aderrian whispered, almost continuing to tell Keurin what had happened. His fist hurt, knuckled bruised and swollen. He was sure Marc's jaw would be an ugly purple as well. After a few minutes, he realized he had been staring intensely at Keurin and so he averted his eyes quickly.

"You all right, Aderrian?"

"Yes, yes; I'm fine," the orca replied as he looked back at Keurin.

"Are you sure? You were distant during dinner, too."

"Keurin... later, okay? Tonight is just too special."

"I'll hold you to that, but you're right; tonight is about you and me." He kissed the orca softly.

"That's right..." Aderrian replied, and carried Keurin to the bedroom.

1. Not Just a Flavor of Ice Cream

When Aderrian was sure was in deep sleep, he got up. He slipped on his jeans and let himself out. He was nearly out of the lobby when someone called him back.

"You probably shouldn't go out shirtless. I don't doubt a big guy like you could take care of yourself, but I don't think the little guy up there would be too fond of finding out you were in a fight." It was Troy.

Aderrian looked down at his sore fist before turning back to face the bull. "I just needed some air, that's all."

"There's a patio in his apartment."

"I know... I just - I wanted to be alone and think."

"So bad that you couldn't stay with him the night after he almost pitched himself over his balcony?"

Aderrian eyed the man. "I thought you sounded familiar... So you're the guy who picked up his phone. Thank you... For saving him."

Troy nodded, his smoke bouncing between pursed lips. "I'm just glad the little bastard didn't get hurt," he said, but not unkindly. "But don't change the subject. I can tell you and he care a great deal about one another from the way you both were trying to examine one another's tonsils with your tongues for ten minutes earlier this afternoon."

Aderrian flushed softly. "I didn't listen to you when you told me not to do anything stupid. I didn't listen."

The bull rubbed his forehead with his fingers, sighing. "He doesn't need another catastrophe in his life. You heard him - heard how unbalanced he was on the phone. I told you not to do anything stupid because that may be all it takes to tip him over. He lost this Marc guy. I don't think he could bear to lose you too. I don't think his heart could take it." Troy took a long drag from his cigarette, blowing the smoke out of his nostrils. "That being said, you need to tell him what you did, whatever it was. Better he find out from you than someone else."

"I know, I know; that's why I needed some air - to figure out how best to tell him. I don't want him to hate me."

"I've found that one word at a time is the best way. He'll understand if you lay it all out in the open and give him time to process it all."

"I have to leave tomorrow night."

"Then you better do it in the morning."

The orca found that he had broken out in a cold, slimy sweat, beads of salty liquid forming across his chest and shoulders, down his arms, and the back of his neck. "It's... it's not enough time..."

"It has to be. I'm pretty sure he's head over heels in love with you. He'll come around if he does get angry."

"I hope so, because I sure love him."

* * *

Aderrian returned to the apartment and let himself in. He crept into the bedroom and slipped beside the slumbering dragon who seemed to somehow know the orca was there and rolled over to face him. Aderrian felt his heart breaking when he looked into the sleeping dragon's face - utterly peaceful now - and then thought about what he had done the night before. He lay his lips across Keurin's, keeping them there. The dragon's gentle breathing tickled Aderrian's upper lip. He slipped his hand under Keurin's snout, feeling the warmth of his fur and skin, able to just barely feel a gentle heartbeat - slow and rhythmic, like the beat of a quiet ballad playing in the background as two lovers danced together. Tears drew into the corners of the orca's eyes. He hadn't cried in years; not since a few days after Keurin and Marc had gone home after the cruise; the orca so upset that the dragon had left; realizing in that moment - when he looked down and saw droplets on his palms, licking his lips and tasting the saltiness of his tears - that he was in love with Keurin.

He shut his eyes and kissed Keurin hard, pushing his tongue past the dragon's sharp teeth to lay it across Keurin's tongue, tasting him and feeling his warm, soft tongue. When Keurin began suckling softly, Aderrian gasped, fearing that he had woken the dragon, but instead Keurin was simply suckling while asleep like a child with a pacifier or a baby nursing. Aderrian smiled softly, closing his eyes again.

Keurin was the first to wake, and he did so while the orca's tongue was still in his mouth. He blushed and smiled, kissing Aderrian, and giggled at the sight of the orca's tongue hanging out of his mouth. He pushed it back in with his finger, waking Aderrian up in the process. The orca looked first at Keurin's face, then down at his hand. The dragon quickly jerked back his finger and gulped, blushing.

Aderrian smacked his lips and licked them. "Well that explains the dream I was just having, naughty boy!"

"No - no, I..." Keurin paused. "You're the one sticking your tongue into my mouth while I'm asleep!"

"Is that a problem?"

The dragon smiled bashfully. "No..."

Aderrian chuckled and pulled Keurin against him. "Can we talk?" he asked after a few precious minutes of cuddling.

"Of course," Keurin said, sitting up.

Rolling over on his back and crossing his arms behind his head with his gaze toward the ceiling, Aderrian sighed.

Noticing his hesitation, Keurin asked, "Does this have to do with what was on your mind last night...?"

Aderrian nodded. Keurin crossed his legs, lacing his fingers between his toes and looked intently at the orca. He saw worry - no, flat out terror - in Aderrian's eyes.

"If you don't want-"

"No, I have to. You have to know."

"All right. I'm just saying: your business is yours, not mine. I won't pry if you don't want to talk about it."

"No, you have to know what I did. I just don't want you to be upset with me for doing it... because I wasn't thinking. I was just so angry..." Aderrian took a deep breath, letting it out as a sigh. "I went and saw Marc yesterday."

"...Oh," Keurin said, the word slipping out of his mouth small and quiet.

"After what he's done, how unbelievably cruel he's been... and then to learn that you almost... Almost killed yourself because of something he did or said... I couldn't let it go. I got so fucking angry. I went to see him and I laid out my own rules. And..."

"And?"

"...Threats."

"You threatened him?"

"He threatened you, remember? I told him that if he ever hurts you, if I find out that he even spoke unkindly to you, that I'd..." Aderrian's voice trailed off.

"I... I see."

"I also... punched him." Aderrian lifted up his swollen fist. His knuckles felt hot and throbbed achingly.

"You what! Why did you do that?"

"Because he pushed me; I wasn't thinking straight."

Keurin's shoulders dropped and his ears fell flat against his head like he had just been scolded.

"Keurin..." Aderrian began, finally looking at him. "When I heard that you almost died as a result of how he treated you, I was so incredibly angry... but I was scared, too. I was fucking terrified. I had to make sure that he would leave you alone lest... lest the next time - which I hope to god never happens - someone isn't there to catch you..."

Keurin was silent.

"Keurin? ...Are you angry with me?"

Keurin looked away, closing his eyes and sighing. He shook his head. "I can't be angry with you for doing what you thought you had to do, especially on my account. No, I'm not angry, but I am very upset and I really wish you hadn't done that and instead would've left him alone."

"Why do you try to protect him, Keurin? Why, after all that he's done and how badly he's hurt you, do you still protect that asshole?"

"I don't know... I don't know. I just don't want what you did back there to come back and bite you on the ass, Aderrian. What if he decides to press charges for assault or something?"

"What, after issuing threats to you? He isn't gonna do shit to me, Keurin. Listen to yourself here."

"Why are you getting mad at me?"

"I'm not mad at you, kiddo, I'm mad at myself, and I'm mad at that stupid bastard ex of yours for constantly creating problems for everyone."

"There aren't gonna be anymore problems, though, right?" Keurin asked firmly.

"Yeah, yeah. I get you. I'll play nice, but only if he does."

"That's the best I'm gonna get, isn't it," Keurin said, not so much a question as a defeated statement.

"Yes. I'm not going to promise to leave him alone and have him come around here and hurl threats, cuss you out, and be an utter asshole to you, Keurin."

Keurin sighed, flustered.

"What; what is it?"

"I just wish you would've left it be, Aderrian."

The orca sat up suddenly. "Are you kidding me? After what he's done to you? No fucking way!"

Keurin drew his knees up to his chest and rest his head on them. His tail curled around him, across his ankles.

"I said I wasn't thinking," Aderrian repeated.

"I know," Keurin replied, shutting his eyes. "I can understand why you did it, Aderrian. I just wish you hadn't."

"Ignoring him won't get rid of the problems between the both of you."

Keurin opened his eyes, staring forward at nothing. "Neither will never being able to talk to him again."

"Yes it will," Aderrian protested.

"No... that just makes the problems impossible to fix. I'm not saying I planned on patching things up with him, but now I couldn't even if I wanted."

"Maybe you can finally move on, then," Aderrian said, lying back down. He paused and bit his lips before adding: "Maybe... it's for the best."

"The best?" Keurin began quietly, "How do we ever know what's best? For ourselves or others? I thought it was best if I left, and I'm back. I thought it was best to try and talk to Marc and now we can't ever, again. How does one realize that his choice was the right one? If nothing had ever happened again because of it? If he dies with that incomplete life? Whoever decided that 'the best' meant 'least painful'? Does life not consist of good... and bad? How do we appreciate the good without the knowledge of all the bad through which we've had to persevere? How do you know I'll be happier if Marc is afraid to even look at me?"

The orca remained silent as he tried to weave together an adequate answer. "Because," he began as tears welled up in his eyes again, "Because I'll sleep better knowing he won't be able to cause you so much pain that you think the only way to escape it is to hurl yourself off of your balcony."

"I'm not gonna kill myself."

"I know. I made sure of that."

"No, I mean I know nothing is worth my death."

Aderrian was silent again for a long while. He wiped his eyes; Keurin simply sat there. It was still difficult for him - nearly impossible - to imagine life without Marc in it even as a friend. Running away to Western Portdam had proven that. Regardless of all Marc had done, all Keurin had not done, it was still strange, unnatural, to think that he and the huskywolf would never speak again.

"Are you angry with me?"

Keurin shook his head regardless that Aderrian could not see it. "No. I'm upset, but I'm not mad. Like I said, I can't be mad at you for doing what you thought was best."

"It was best. You'll see one day."

"Maybe," Keurin said, the word drifting out as a sigh.

The pair spent the remainder of the day next to one another in bed. Neither spoke much - maybe an, "I gotta piss," every few hours - everything else had already been said. They lay up against one another, spooning and staring out of the window, watching the clouds and an occasional airplane drift by. Aderrian had one arm across Keurin's waist, the other folded under his head like a pillow. He kept his nose buried in the back of the dragon's neck, smelling his fur and hair, sweet with shampoo. The orca's warm breath tickled the dragon, but he didn't giggle; a part of him actually wanted the man to leave; it was a small but persistent voice, the voice of his past; a voice he hoped would go silent but one he could never bring himself to silence; the same voice that spoke of his desires for Marc, even after all this.

Keurin shut his eyes. I love Aderrian. I'm pissed off at him right now, but I still love him. Then is it so wrong for me to still love Marc, even though I'm pissed off at him, too? Even though I know he and I are never going to be together - not that I want to - I mean I love Marc, but I don't want to be with him... and I love Aderrian but I can't be with him.

_ Maybe I should just stay single. Everyone always acts like it is the worst thing in the world to be single, but I don't think it is. You have to find happiness in yourself and be comfortable with who you are. You'll always have yourself; you won't always have others. Yes... that's right. Misery from loneliness is a choice, I think. I can be alone and choose to be happy in my loneliness, or I can be alone and choose to be miserable. I have to find happiness in everything. I have to look at my empty bed, bare ring finger, single toothbrush and say:_

_ "All right, I'm alone; I'm lonely, but I'm not going to let these negatives define me. I'm not going to be dragged down by the absence of another. I'm not going to live my life half-way just because my heart is half-full. I won't pass up the opportunity for a life with another, but I don't be so desperate to find someone that I wind up rushing into things and ruining it all either. I'm not sixteen anymore."_

_ I forgive Aderrian. I want to be with him, but because we can't - we'd only see one another every few months and I neither could nor would make him quit his job for me - I'll be happy by myself. Love will find a way._