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Addiction

Chapter Fourteen

Running

By:

Rufus Quentin

November, 1998

I ran as fast as I could. I was out of breath but I kept pushing my body further. My ankles smarted like crazy and my ribcage felt sore from all the impact. Every ounce of me begged me to quit but I didn't listen. My legs were caked up to the knees in mud from a recent rain, but all the dirt felt clean compared to baggage inscribed on my soul. I drew from energy I didn't know was there and kept bounding down the path and up the next hill, scratching myself on twigs and bruising my foot-paws on stones. I deserved every cut and abrasion. I deserved to feel sore as shit tomorrow. I had to punish my body for what I did. I had to run for penance. What was I thinking? I fucked my biological brother.

No matter how far I got, it wasn't far enough from my shitty little house, from my brother, from all the sin. No. I carried that with me like a shadow, like a fresh tattoo hidden under my fur, something that no one else could see, but that I knew was there and had to feel with every step. There was no one I could run to who could forgive me, no one on earth I could even tell. I fucked up and now I was on my own. "Deal with it," my brother would say, but I couldn't even take that advice because it meant I'd have to think of him.

Running was the only thing I could do where I didn't have to think, where I could convert all the anxiety and confusion into energy. It was the only therapy I could afford and the only therapy I had access to since I sold my rifle. That's how I spent the first few weeks of my womanhood; putting myself through purgatory and spending as much time out of the house as possible. The worst part of what I felt was the discovery of a new vulnerability; I had a missing scale, a linden leaf sized soft spot, an Achilles' heel. I never really had to deal with that before. It wasn't the secret I'd have to keep, though that very well could have fit the description. Far more dangerous than that was the door my brother and I had opened, and the emotional tether I got handed, an elastic bond that could fling me back to him if I wasn't careful. The further I ran the more taught it got. I feared the possibility that it would snap and I'd find myself making another mistake the most.

That's why we went through great lengths to stay out of each other's way. I stopped walking home with Dustin, because I knew what it would mean to cross the place where we made love. I bothered all my friends, my secondary and tertiary contacts for rides until I exhausted all the good will and gas money I had. I hid at school and waited for the last bus home, just to avoid spending the trip with my brother. He did a good job staying out of my way too. We took our meals separate and hardly left our rooms. We gave the bathroom a wide berth unless it was urgent. I could only blush and stutter when my dad and Brandon asked if we were fighting, our avoidance must have appeared so obvious to them.

It was just too awkward; sitting at the dining room table doing homework with him, aware of what his appetites. When I saw him at school from a distance I immediately thought of his body rising and falling over mine, the feeling of his panting on me, and the sight of his face broadcasting weaknesses in the moment he was about to cum. When I passed him without making eye contact in the halls of our home or school, olfactory memories spilled in from but a faint trail of his scent bringing reminders of the unspeakable shooting back into existence. I'd seen too much of him. I'd seen him naked. I'd seen him horny. I'd seen his dick pistoning in and out of me. I tried to push those memories away and in doing so I pushed him out of my life, or tried. As much as we tried to create distance, to remove ourselves from temptation, we realized we couldn't hide from each other forever.

It was impossible. That's the downside of an incestuous relationship. He lived on the other side of the wall from me. Because he was my brother I also felt like I had a responsibility over him, like our three older siblings had over two of us. With SATs approaching rapidly and the urgency to make sure he knew his material grew. I knew I was the only one who would hold him accountable to learn, and that only I could help him. I'd promised to keep tutoring him. It was true that Dustin's grades had gone up substantially, but mine had gone down. Sure I could blame it on an overload of AP classes and/or a case of senioritis, but I knew the truth. I was distracted. I'd spent too much time day-dreaming and mentally plucking petals in an endless game of he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not. I wasn't in danger of failing, but I needed to get my act together, which meant cutting distractions.

It got dark earlier and earlier still due to the encroach of winter. The mountains blocked out the sun which increasingly skirted the horizon. A thick blanket of clouds prevented it from even feeling like daytime in the first place. I had to stop eventually and turn around. I knew that when I did, my body would give out and I'd have to slink back following the main road, exhausted and in pain. I had myself convinced that what we did the week before was just another notch along the long trail of little slip ups culminating in what I kept telling myself was the worst mistake of my life. The moments of guilt and shame gripped me at random intervals, at night in bed, at school in class, and among my friends, just after sharing a laugh. I swore it off, cold turkey. I did it and I learned from it. Never again.

Dustin came to me with his Algebra II textbook a few weeks after it happened. I assured him he didn't need my help anymore, but he showed me a quiz he bombed. He'd moved onto graphing functions, the place he royally started to fuck up and lost interest the year before. I reluctantly motioned and Dustin pulled a chair up next to mine. I sat beside Dustin, hearing his voice, taking in his scents. I missed him, even though we were as close as we'd been since the unspeakable event. My tutelage didn't work. He still kept making the same damn mistakes. I noticed I was too, until we both realized we were equally lost and confused.

"Alex?" Dustin said with the intonation of a question. The time had come to talk. With anxiously hushed voices and ears suspicious of the notoriously thin walls, I told him I thought we had taken things too far. I made him promise, not without reluctance on my own part, to never do the unthinkable again.

Dustin seemed rather calm yet somewhat disconnected from that whispered conversation. I felt he was holding something back, but then again, so was I. There is only so much that can be said in a serious conversation when you are talking in code, hiding it all from any prying ears. This conversation would resume at some point in the future, I was sure of it. That was a fact that I dreaded and attempted to start preparing for as best I could. I told myself my walls would hold and that I would stay strong, I had to.

Then one unseasonably warm November afternoon he stood casually in the doorway of my room. I knew what he was about to suggest, and that he wouldn't suggest it directly, but rather through some vague and immature circumvention. I also knew that to whatever he suggested, I would say yes.

"Sis," he said employing all his laconic charm.

"Dustin," I said, looking over my shoulder at him. I swiveled a few degrees in my chair.

"It's a nice day out," he said.

I looked toward the window. Indeed it was; a comfortable seventy-some degrees and a good amount of sun. "Yep," I acknowledged, "fine weather we're having."

"Could be the last day like this of the season."

"I don't know. Last year it hit 80 in December."

"Still. Not much more of these we're gonna get."

"True," I said. "Fucking winter."

"Fucking winter," he repeated. He stepped into my room uninvited, something I usually forbade. It still made me uncomfortable and unable to concentrate on my work. Maybe my brother was pushing it, intentionally nudging me out of my comfort zone. Maybe our recent history made him feel like he'd earned a free pass. To further abrade me he began picking things off my shelves; books, photographs, knick-knacks, inspected them and put them back.

"What are you doing here?" I asked; tail swishing with a visible warning of irritation.

"Bored," he said, paging through a random book of mine.

"I can tell. Don't you have homework?"

"Done," he said.

"Want me to check it?"

"Maybe later. I'm fairly confident that it's alright though."

"Well, good for you." I knew I was being a bit curt. I did so intentionally, channeling a bit of my old self. It wasn't easy for me to do. I felt like a bitch and hated myself for it. My brother was obviously playing his old role as antagonist as well, fitting the part quite convincingly all things considered. It seemed as though the past five months hadn't happened. Of course they had and the best pills couldn't erase that, but I appreciated the effort.

I think we both experienced the tension, the feeling as if the air around us was suddenly laden with static, somehow thicker to the point I had to remember to breathe. Part of my behavior was a warning. I tried to communicate through the subtext of my word choices and body language that if he stuck around too much longer bad things would happen. All the feelings and thoughts I'd just barely, painstakingly wrangled into a metaphorical box could come spilling out if he brushed that trigger too hard. I wanted to caution him that even I had no idea how sensitive that trigger was.

"I was thinking, maybe we could go for a run today?" He said, as if asking me for a pen or something trivial.

That did it. That emotional dam burst and I had to cope with the consequences. My belly grew tense. I closed my eyes and whispered, "Oh god". I turned around so he couldn't see me. Incest, seriously incest, I thought. Why does he want this? Why do I want this? Is it going to happen again? "I'm sorry," I said, thinking of the only excuse that came to mine, one that pained me to say, "I'm a little bit sore. I've been pushing it too much recently."

"How about a walk then? Nice and easy?"

Fuck, I thought, Can't you take a hint? Idiot. "I don't know," I ended up saying.

"You should probably get out. Especially while you can. Get your vitamin D in. Besides," he said after a short pause. "We should probably talk."

The words confirmed it. The memories I'd successfully repressed flickered like a montage. He was right though. The cold shoulder approach was probably doing more harm than good. There was a lot I needed to get off my chest. "Is that all we're going to do?" I whispered, looking at the door then back at him.

"That's up to you," he said and meandered back to the door. "I'll see you downstairs," he said and excused himself without further dialogue.

That asshole. Why did he have to put the burden on me? Didn't he want it as bad as I? Why did I have to become the one to blame for what we did together? If only he could share in the responsibility for that mistake that would take some of the crushing load off of me and allow me to slowly recover. I found myself standing up and changing into my hiking clothes. I wound a nice, white band of foot-paw wraps around my ankles, covering up all the cuts and scrapes I'd acquired trying to run away from what I suspected I'd be walking right back into. "Damn me," I thought, confused if what I felt was anticipation or dread.

Every step of the way ached. My ankles and pads were screaming halfway up the mountain. The soft cool earth did little to soothe them. I half-waddled a growing distance behind my brother, six or more yards down the path. I didn't intend to keep a distance, but I felt glad we had some between us. It meant delaying the conversation, the inevitable, and all the awkwardness in between. "Why am I doing this?" Was the question on loop in my brain. The answers existed but uncovering them felt just as uncomfortable as the inquiry. I noticed my brother wore his backpack. I wondered if he expected the same thing as me and had come prepared as usual.

We made it to the fort a half hour later. I had to take a few breaks along the way to give my foot-paws a rest. My brother disappeared from sight, only standing waiting for me over the next rise. He spread out the blanket and unpacked the usual as if it were a done deal, as if I could cave in to my cravings without an afterthought. I sat on one of the logs to take a load off my paws. He handed me a bottle of water like last time and sat down beside me.

"You're not mad at me, are you?" He asked, going straight to the point.

"No," I said, "I wanted it too."

"You're upset."

"I don't know. This is confusing."

"I know. Trust me," he said, taking the water bottle back and downing a drink himself.

"There's no going back to normal after what happened up here last time, is there?"

"Well, no." He said. "What happened, happened. But was it really so bad?"

I shook my head slightly. "But why me?"

Dustin stood and walked a broad circle around the place we made love just two weeks earlier. He gesticulated, waving both paws and grunted through his clenched fangs, as if he wanted to give a detailed answer but had his muzzle belted shut. "I don't know." He said as if capitulating.

"You could have gone after anybody. Half my friends are having wet dreams about you."

"I could ask you the same question. You wanted it too," he said, with fierce directness as if the whole transgression had already blown up in our faces and we now had to get our story straight from the hall outside the principal's office, or worse, court.

"I know. We're both just as guilty of this. But why porn? Why the photographs? Why all these little one-ups?"

"Really, I didn't think it would go this far. I know you think I'm lying, but I didn't have some hidden agenda when things started. No. Everything that happened last time and some of the things that led up to it are new to me too."

"But only some things are new?"

"Come on, don't make me sound like an idiot," Dustin said.

"I want to know why we did what we did."

"You're better off asking yourself that question," he said with uncharacteristic curtness.

"I have. I want to hear it from you," I replied in the same tone.

"Alex, we did it because we wanted to," Dustin stated with astuteness that cut like a knife. "Now if you are asking why I did it?" He shrugged and paused. "God, I don't know. It was great getting to know you again. It was great having a friend that already knew me and wanted to do stuff together despite having a ton of dirt on me for eighteen years. You're attractive, but I'm pretty sure that everyone with a hot sister isn't getting into this kind of trouble." He sounded desperate. He looked at me and stopped pacing. "I never thought this was an option. Then all of a sudden things changed. We were hanging out and then things just became..." Dustin trailed off and waved his paw in the air as if trying to grab the correct term. He looked at me, as if I had the power to interpret his emotions for him.

"Sexual," I said from my spot on the log. He was babbling but I knew I couldn't explain my own reasoning any better if I tried.

Dustin nodded and gesticulated with a strange and uncharacteristic full body display of helplessness.

"But you wanted it."

"No," he said.

I looked at him as if I caught him in a lie.

"I mean," he sighed. "Yea, but only after you made it clear you wanted it too. Early on I thought I could have been misreading your signs, but here we are now. The pawing together, then the pictures, I felt you were daring me. That's when I really started to think about it. It surprised me at first. Then yea, I wanted it. All of a sudden. Then you came to me and told me you wanted it too."

I chuckled, but it came out forced and strained. "I thought you were daring me."

"It's hard to get a bead on you. Sometimes it feels like a dare, sometimes I think it's just the horniness, I mean, you didn't start getting off until a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure what to do, so I just followed your lead."

"But why were you okay with it? Shouldn't we have stopped?"

"Fuck Alex, I feel like I need some sort of a shrink to figure that out."

"I know," I sighed, "I think we both do. Why didn't you fall for any of the other girls?"

"I'm just kind of burned out on dating."

"Why?"

"Well, I've been through so many. Never really connected with any of them anyway."

"How many have you been through?"

"Dates or sex?"

"Sex."

"All the way with five, starting with Ashley."

"Five?" I said, eyes widening with surprise. "That's like one a year since her!"

"Well, I've had some dry spells too," he said, "I'm sorry if it grosses you out. I tend to fall hard and fast, and they tend not to last very long. Ashley was just a one time thing. I was a boy and she was a girl. We were just curious and we were friends so we did it. So yeah, we fucked. We were both kind of weirded out afterwards, we were way too young. The next couple ran the same course; quick fall, sex, awkwardness, and then we pushed each other away. I'm worried that's gonna happen to us."

"I know what you're saying," I agreed on all parts. "I never did it, but Riley happened really quick. Big crush, fast fall, but I figured that was normal for teen relationships. Everyone's in a rush, you know? As soon as I had him, I began to worry. Yea, he got a little pushy for intimacy, but he wasn't so bad. I think I overreacted. I let him go because I was afraid he would leave me. Just fuck and go. I wanted it to be special. Sex that is. I wanted the person I give it to be around for a while. I know it's unlikely, but still. Now we did it. I don't have it anymore. It's gone. I know it shouldn't ever happen again, ever, but I don't want to lose you."

We grew quiet. It seemed we were in agreement, but I wasn't entirely sure with what. Dustin swung his tail around and plopped himself beside me on the log. "Sometimes I'm worried I'm broken," he said, breaking the silence. "I see couples, the wonder-couples like Greg and Susan. How the fuck do they do it? I never felt that way. When I'm with someone I crush, but if anything, it's stressful. It's not love. I'm afraid to lose them. In the end I do. If I'm lucky, I got sex out of it, but when we break up it's just more baggage. I got a fuck-ton of baggage."

I hummed in understanding and agreement, "I could almost quote you," I said, propping my chin up on my paws. I stared at the patch of earth and leaves near my foot-paws worn bare by the two of us. "I don't know why I wanted it so bad," I said. "A boyfriend, that is." I ran a paw down through my mane and clutched it at the base of my neck. "It's always disappointing. They're like kids, really. Fun, playful at times, like you, but then it just gets stressful. They want more. I want to give, I really do. I like giving, but they want too much all at once or they just don't know how to ask for it."

"We're fucked up, aren't we?" My brother said, turning his muzzle my way.

"Shit yes," I replied and nodded.

Silence returned, save for a rush of wind and the stray twitter of a bird lost on its way south. Dustin stood and took another tour of the fort. I watched him pad around the spot we fooled around and the trees that we'd so playfully claimed. "I think," he said, standing on the other side of where we'd cast our blanket, "after it became an option, I wanted it because I felt a little differently around you. I felt comfortable, like I could be myself. I didn't need to pretend or impress. You were there and always have been."

"We're related," I said, gazing at my twin down the bridge of my muzzle.

"I'm still afraid I'm going to lose you," he said, looking at me with honest fear.

"You won't," I said. "Let's promise each other that no matter what happens, let's give each other a reset button. If something goes wrong, we can automatically go back to the way things were. That way you'll never lose me and I won't lose you."

"Agreed," Dustin said. "To be honest I need you. Fuck, since we started talking again you've done so much for me. I need that. I had no idea how lost I was without your help."

"I want you to be happy," I said. "Like I said, I've been holding on to a lot of energy. I want to give, but I haven't been able. I think it all started when I realized you needed it more than some random guy from school."

"I want you to be happy too, Alex," he said. "That's probably why I let things get out of hand. I saw a need and I guess I figured going down on you was the least I could do."

"Perv," I said and chuckled. Even in the seriousness, Dustin knew how to lighten the mood, but a joke couldn't undo the gravity of what we were conversing. I knew I wasn't going to get more of an answer out of Dustin. I was complicit with him after all and equally powerless to connect the dots.

"Why did you do it?" He asked. "I know you don't do anything without thinking. I know you've been deprived, but still it surprised me to see how quickly you got okay with everything we did."

"I really don't know either," I said, "which is why I'm bothered. I mean yea, I like how we've become friends and how we've spent time together. And yea, I understand why Amanda and Bryn are into you, but I didn't do it because of those things. When things first started getting weird, it was like you were opening a door for me and showing me everything I've been told or told myself I should experience, and telling me this is alright. I like how you guided me through it and encouraged me to do things out of my comfort zone. It was a bit of a rush, actually. I just got caught up in that and then, all of a sudden, big things are happening, then it happened."

Dustin wordlessly sat back down beside me. He seemed unable to make eye contact.

"I'm not in love with you," I said, aware only after I said the words how abrupt and potentially devastating the words sounded coming out of my muzzle. "I mean, I do love you, but not in the way that means we can become more than we currently are. We've gone this far, I know, but we can't go any further. That's just impossible."

Dustin only flicked an ear, giving me no further reaction. I watched him, anticipating his next words, worried that I hurt his feelings or expectations in some deeply personal way. Perhaps he was hurt, perhaps relieved, perhaps shocked that I'd even bring up the word love. Indeed, it sounded weird. When was the last time I told my siblings I loved them? Perhaps never, at least not within retrievable memory.

"I love you too," Dustin said. "And don't worry. I thought I told you I'm not in the market for a girlfriend." He looked at me and forced a smile.

I sat next to Dustin, wordless and stiff, unwilling to show any sign of affection or friendship, anything that could betray that I wanted more than I was letting on. There was a lot more to talk about. One doesn't bed one's sibling and shrug it off. I just didn't have the language or the experience to deal with what I felt back then, and made due with the limited conversational ability and body vocabulary I had access to, which was just barely above that of an adolescent. I felt confused and dumb, at my limits and unable to explain how I got there and why I just didn't stand up and walk away. That could have been it, if I were smarter. The story would have been over.

"Was it so bad?" Dustin asked.

"No," I said after a few seconds of introspection. "It was how I wanted to lose it. And you were good." I felt myself blushing with that confession. "It's just," I paused. "This is incest. Shouldn't we have felt something against it? One of us at least? Isn't it normal to be grossed out by it? Why don't I feel like I want to hurl when I think about it?"

"You were never normal and neither was I. Plus since when has normal ever been good to us? It's not your fault it happened. Blame the mountains. Blame our fucked up family. Blame the truck, the school and the whole damn state. Blame me." My brother sighed. "I don't know why I wanted it," he continued. "Yea, you're smart. Yea, you're sexy. Yea, you're funny and who wouldn't like to nail that down? Still," he said, turning his muzzle off into the distance. Some of the trees already lost all their leaves. One could see clear across the valley through the branches. "I know I'm fucked up for wanting it, more fucked up from having actually done it, and the most fucked up for wanting to do it again."

"How could this happen to us?" I asked as he put his arm around me and pulled me a little closer. I knew it was dangerous, but I didn't recoil. I was shocked to learn we felt the same way.

Dustin blew a sigh out of his lips and shook his head. "I guess we're both fucked up."

"I thought we were better than this?"

"Sis, there's not much out there better than you. Pretty much everything you've ever done is, I don't know, right, or at least way better than I could have done. I'm surprised you were cool with it, that you actually wanted it with me. I didn't think it would ever go that far. I wanted it, but I also thought it was wrong. When you told me you wanted it, I figured maybe it wasn't so bad because you have a track record of always choosing the right things. If you're cool with this, then well, maybe it's not as bad as you think."

I chuckled at his logic. "I don't think it works that way. I make plenty of mistakes." Still, all he said had me blushing. I knew it was all nonsense, but there were enough compliments in his speech for me to forgive him. I could read between the lines and see that he was like me, confused, horny, and overwhelmed. If I could barely understand what was happening, then he for sure only had his hetero training as male to go by, the repertoire of a handful of stoic roles he could perform. That's just how guys are, always focused on the external. When things get tough they just slip into a figure they admire from comic books or movies and try to behave as they do. I feel sorry for them. All they can do is typecast themselves as one hero or another and march bravely into ruin just so that others can see how brave they are.

I don't know who my brother was playing, but for sure he was trying to be someone strong, someone who thought it was okay to lean over and press a kiss upon the bridge of my muzzle. If only he understood how much energy it took to fight it, to keep myself on the right path, maybe he wouldn't have done it. As soon I felt his lips touch my fur and my whiskers brush his chin I lost the ability to keep resisting. I leaned in and ran my muzzle along the underside of his chin from his neck fur to his nose. When I took in his unmitigated scent my façade truly came crumbling down. We brushed the tips of our muzzles against each other, lightly bumping and feeling the breeze of our breaths. Our whiskers prickled each other's noses and lips as we circled, overcoming our last resistance until it became a dare to see who would be the one to initiate a type of kiss unfit for a brother and sister.

It was me. I found his lips and pressed mine against them. Our muzzles tilted opposite directions and within a moment our tongues became part of the game. I was allowed to taste him. As his paws caressed my body and mine moved over his, I realized that our actions set the switches down a familiar and forbidden course. There could be no avoiding it now. I would get what I secretly wanted.

We sat there and kissed until our jaws felt sore. His paw reacquainted itself with my body, caressing breasts, belly, and kneading my thighs until my legs spread apart for him. Mine followed a similar path, finding little in the way of resistance when I dared to test for certain firmness in his jeans. I realized I was shivering though it wasn't too cold and I had the furnace of my brother to hold onto. I felt myself pulled off where I sat. My tail swished nervously as my rational voice warned I would lose yet another opportunity to back out of another mistake. Decisions are best made vertically and not horizontally.

My brother came to rest on top of me. His strong body pinned me to the ground in a display of dominance that had my heart racing. A euphoric thrill went through my mind. It just became easier to kiss and to cop feels, and to slyly press buttons that would incrementally prevent a wise outcome. The boy bucked against me, letting me feel his thick sheath though his clothes, showing me just how excited and virile he could be. I wrapped my legs around him and squeezed, reminding him that I was no passive participant in this taboo.

He eventually broke the kiss and kneeled over me. I glanced down my body and watched him start to unbutton my flannel, his fingers manipulating the snaps over my breasts and down to my belly. He tugged open the wings of fabric and gazed down at my shirt and torso beneath. His paws moved to my waist and tugged up the hem of my Sonic Youth t-shirt which lay beneath the outer layer. He pushed the fabric up my torso, exposing my mid-section in the process. "Damn, sis," he said, looking down at me with a sly grin on his muzzle. "If only you knew," he continued, "if only you knew." Then he came back down and started nibbling my neck. His paw went for my exposed fur and slowly snaked up my back under my shirt so that he could try his luck with my bra. The other braced him just barely over me so that our bodies lightly touched.

"If only I knew what?" I said, nuzzling his ear and head-fur with the side of my muzzle.

"Oh come on, sis, don't embarrass me."

"Tell me."

"Oh god," he said and bucked against me. He vented a sigh that swept through fur. "If only you knew how sexy you are," he said. "I mean you're beautiful."

I couldn't help but blush as hard as I could. My ears and nose were on fire.

"You're quite a handsome young stud yourself," I said, constructing the best compliment I could think of. It still felt strange coming out of my mouth. It felt fabricated, even though it was true. "I'm surprised someone like you would be interested in me."

"Don't be," he said. "If I was anybody else, just a guy from school, I would have told you sooner, though you're the kind of girl it takes courage to walk up and talk to."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I've never really felt chased after before. "Why tell me now?"

"I never thought it would come to this. I guess it's kind of alright now."

"It's not alright, but I guess it's happening," I said. My brother made room for my paws as they moved between us. He wore an old denim shirt, a hand-me-down with holes for elbows. I undid the snaps one by one, skipping the missing ones until the fabric draped open. My paws dipped beneath and my fingers went looking for fur.

"I'm glad it is," he said and kissed down my neck until the collar of my shirt hindered his progress. He leaned back onto his knees and tugged my flannel off my shoulders. "Speaking of which, I'd like to see some more of you."

At his command I propped myself up and began to shrug the soft plaid cloth off my shoulders. My brother observed as I unquestioningly writhed out one sleeve at a time. I peeled the shirt, which was already pulled up to my breasts, off my back and proceeded to undo the bra-strap my sibling had yet to master. I reclined back onto the blanket with the undergarment barely clinging to my chest, having turned myself into a present ready and waiting to be unwrapped.

Dustin wasted no time. His fingers curled around the straps and slid the silk off my arms, discarding it on the pile beside me. Once liberated, I crossed my arms behind my head and smiled up at him. He wordlessly leaned in and began to suckle on one of my nipples. He was predictable, I thought, even his sexual habits followed an order. I swung a paw around and began to tidy his tufts between his ears and around his face. My fingers combed his fur and ordered it in straight lines as he kissed and nibbled away on my breast. Meanwhile Dustin began to work on my belt and fly, clumsily, but effectively loosening my clothing. My hips rose to give him access to my tail strap and to make it easier for him to tug at my jeans.

Once he'd left the fur around my nipple wet with saliva he took a break to get caught up with me. I let him go and drew my foot-paws in to make things easier for him. He shrugged off his denim shirt and pulled his t-shirt off his back before ridding me of my pants, pulling them and my boxers off my legs with gruffness I could appreciate. Then he had me naked, save for my ankle-wraps, which I think he liked to see on me. I curled up, self-conscious of my nudity, but Dustin's paws quickly corrected me until I spread open in front of him so that my intimates couldn't be hidden. I felt the weight of his gaze but I'd grown less timid about being seen so bare. I couldn't help but feel the thrill which may or may not have been visible on my expression as my very own brother eyed my breasts, pubic fur and every other tuft on my body. He fumbled with his belt buckle with understandable haste, loosening what must have been uncomfortable in those jeans.

I parted my legs for him in invitation and he took his place between them. After the usual trail of kisses down my belly his muzzle once again pressed between my aroused labia and his tongue swapped saliva for my intimate wetness. He must have gotten a mouth full of that embarrassing, sticky slickness, given how turned on I'd become, but he went at it as if it only began to satiate him. His canine tongue wiggled into my folds and focused on my opening until he had me sufficiently prepared and leaking. From there his attention ascended. He spent perhaps an inordinate amount of time licking my pee-slit before finally finding my clitoris. His lips pinched my hood and his tongue gently prodded my little pearl, which had me raising my hips like no other part of me could trigger. My brother learned enough about me over the previous months to know what it took to help me find that elusive orgasm.

The last time he was satisfied getting me to the edge. This time he didn't relent. When a finger joined and slipped into my vagina I knew I had to brace myself. Things got blurry. My memory only resumed with me buckled forward and panting, feeling the spasms of release deep in my belly. My clit jerked upon my brother's lips and my passage flexed on his finger while his paw-pad and claw gently prolonged my moment by tickling a particularly effective spot inside me. I collapsed back on the blanket while my spasms tapered off, panting in disbelief that that was just act one. Once my brother satiated himself on my tastes he withdrew and kicked himself out of the rest of his clothes. He crawled up my body as naked as me. His cock stood erect, but he had yet to knot.

"How was that?" He asked, hovering over me. His body heat felt so very good upon me in the cooler mountain air. He wore my intimate aromas with pride.

"It's happening faster," I said, still a bit discombobulated.

"I've noticed," he said and chuckled, "I'm not sore yet."

I giggled too and covered my face with my arms, protecting myself from being seen with a pink cornea around my nose and ears.

My brother grabbed my wrists and pinned them onto the blanket. "Look at you. You're blushing," he said, leaning in and smiling at me.

"Am not," I poorly contradicted.

"Are too. It's plain as day. What got you this way? Shy about getting off? Or?"

"It's nothing," I said and struggled against him, but he had me so very resolutely overwhelmed.

"Oh, I'm sure it's something," he said, leaning in to kiss the warm flushed skin around my nose. He paused as if he wanted to say something else. I could see him mouthing the words, but I couldn't decipher them. He looked at me, went distant, and then emerged with the words, "you ready?"

I knew what he meant and nodded quickly before I reconsidered.

Dustin pushed off of me, letting me go. He got to his knees and quickly repositioned. He seemed hastier this time. I watched as he brought his cock tip between my thighs and pointed it down at my sex. His tip brushed my folds, and once again I found myself biting my lower lip, anticipating the imminent avalanche of sensations. His canine point slid up and down my wet slit until it caught my vaginal opening and began to fill it. Slowly but certainly Dustin pushed into me, forcing me to gasp and shiver in a very unladylike way.

I felt the stretch and the sensation of fullness spread deeper and deeper until nerve endings I barely knew I had broadcast I was taken. Dustin fell forward and braced himself on his paws above me with his muzzle a few inches from mine. A reassuring but concerned look graced his features. Every sense I had confirmed it. I'd let it happen again. My brother was in me. All the promises and prayers were broken. All the self-purification rituals I'd invented to cleanse myself from the universal taboo were for not. The first buck taunted me with those facts, adding a degree of definiteness to the incest we were committing. A feminine yip escaped my lips.

My brother started slow. A resolute but easing push that let me feel his sheath-fur against my sex, and the odd sensation of his length growing inside me, no doubt stimulated by my warmth and nearly virginal tightness. After a few such passes he picked up a pace he couldn't resist, one that culminated in a speed with feral qualities. His hips moved rapidly and his length swept through me too fast to feel the individual strokes. I felt his weight descend upon me. My nipples pressed into his chest-fur. His arm wrapped around me and held me by the shoulder and his muzzle pressed into my neck. He held me closer and more intimately than ever before and I tried to hold onto him the same way, trying desperately to eliminate any gap between his body and mine.

I found myself staring wide-eyed at the forest canopy. Everything rocked as my brother pressed into me with all his inches. Effete grunts and other irrepressible tones came out my muzzle as I reacted amazed and inchoate to the sensations as if I were feeling them for the first time. My fingers sunk into the chocolate colored fur on my brother's back and my legs wrapped around him in an act of trust, assuming he wouldn't finish in me prematurely or without warning. He nipped my neck and pressed his nose into my fur. The warmth of his exhalation made it to my skin. Every breath I took had the scent of my brother, the scent of rough collie.

I began to feel his knot stretch inside my passage, a sensation I didn't have the experience to cope with. At first it felt good, an extra little bit of extra pressure and fullness, but then I began to grow apprehensive. I felt nowhere near ready to tie, least of all with my brother, and the precarious lack of contraception made that prospect unbearable. I indulged the sensation for as long as I could. His cock-tip reached deeper than the last time, prodding aspects beyond my nerve endings. I'm not sure how deep I went, but it felt as if he were but a fraction of an inch longer he'd bottom out in me. My legs uncrossed behind him to give him a hint, but when he didn't slow down I had no choice but to interject. "Dustin," I peeped, my voice affected by coitus. "Watch out for that thing."

"Don't worry," he said, keeping his muzzle just below my ear. "I wasn't thinking about tying. Am I too deep?"

I nodded.

"Let's try this," he said. The paw around my shoulder reaffirmed its hold. His other arm flexed. Momentum carried me around. The world spun. I grunted hard as gravity brought my body down upon his sheath. Every inch of my brother's canine girth impaled me down to my deepest folds. "Oh god," I hissed, reeling from the fullness, unsure if I wanted to press down or rise up. It took me a moment but I realized we'd traded places. I was on top of Dustin now, straddling his hips. "This way," he panted, "you have a little more control over things. Get as deep as you like, or not. You feel good either way."

I nodded at him and instantly rose a few inches, sliding off of where his knot began to distend. My own eagerness and the awakened visceral craving compelled me not to pause for too long. I braced myself and tried my best to fall into the motions. It was harder than it looked. It took a moment to find an angle and a pace that didn't injure us both. With trial and error I found a good enough pose and went with it. It definitely felt different than underneath, more bearable, and perhaps though it may have been imagination, I thought I felt a bit of control over where his canine point sensually swept through my slick vagina. Eventually my brother resumed thrusting, matching my descent with a rise of his hips and a rewarding strike of his now safely engorged knot upon my labia.

I leaned forward as Dustin's movements repeatedly filled me. My breasts swung over his chest. His fur tickled my nipples. We kissed, but only briefly and instead relied only on quick pecks, licks, and nuzzles to display affection. Those flourishes were perhaps more dangerous than the act of love-making itself, because sex can be about filling a need, those little add-ons only have one purpose, to awaken specific emotions, ones my brother and I shouldn't have been experimenting with.

I let momentum guide my body. I didn't have to concentrate on rising and falling, I just had to keep my knees stiff and constantly press back upon my brother's thrusts. We quickly reached our apex. Dustin grunted as he shifted, pleasing himself on my warm, tight passage while I stifled other tones and renewed my hold on the strong male body beneath me. I began to lose track of my actions. I vaguely recall myself demonstrating some very assertive behavior I didn't know I had in me. I began to move faster than my brother, grinding my hips on him with every downward stroke in order to please that growing ball of pressure in my belly. My ears swept back and I lost myself in my internal world, visualizing the happenings within me, and letting my sibling's wild bucks satisfy whatever cravings he held.

"Sis," Dustin warned moments later, his voice huffing with a vulgar intonation, "I'm gonna". It couldn't be. I felt so close, teetering on the edge of an even more powerful climax than before. At first I didn't let his words dissuade me. I kept rocking, hoping that two or three, or four more cycles would bring me what I needed. "Alex," he vented again, this time with more urgency, his bucks grew erratic as if he were squirming on a full bladder. "Oh god. Pull off," he repeated. I didn't need another warning to explain the importance to me and I felt pretty sure I wouldn't get a third if I didn't heed this one. Acting quickly I pulled off his shaft and grabbed his knot. My sex suddenly felt empty, only the phantom presence stayed behind and even that faded away within seconds to my strong disappointment, but I tried not to think about that too much.

Out of peak eagerness and lowered inhibitions I scooted down his body. I only had seconds to act, not nearly enough time to rationally think things through. In a swift and spontaneous motion I found myself with my brother's cock inside my muzzle. My lips pinched right before his bulge to capture the imminent flow of genetic material. At first I just tasted myself on him, my very own flavors swept from my deepest folds. "Fuck," Dustin vented out loud and pushed his hips upward. My hold prevented him from going any deeper, but made it easy for me to pass on whatever he needed to let go of load troubling him so badly.

It didn't take much to finish him off. Just a squeeze of his knot, a few quick bobs, and swishes of my tongue and he started to throb in my grasp. Palpable bursts of rough-collie semen shot against the back of my throat. In seconds the salty musk overrode the flavor of my own intimate fluid until all I could taste was my brother's cum. It seemed perverse; almost more perverse than the fact that he'd ridden me just seconds before as my senses cleared and only then processed that I lay, lovingly suckling Dustin with a mouthful of his sperm swimming between my tongue and his shaft. I held him in my muzzle until his climax ended and he collapsed drained and oversensitive on the blanket. Only then did I slip off of him and swallow the muzzle full of the canine essence he gave me, showing the outward signs of how bashful I felt at having actually gone through with that improvisation.

"Damn, Sis," he said, using the noun for me that would have me blushing with demurred ears and very much aware of whose seed lingered on my tongue if I weren't already in that state. "What a way to finish. I wasn't expecting that," he continued employing his melodic accent.

I nodded. I found it too difficult to formulate words in that moment.

"You made me nervous there at the end, but wow, it was worth it. Was it okay for you?"

I nodded again, feeling that blush persist longer than anticipated.

"Did you get off?" He asked next.

This time I shook my head. "Almost," was the first sperm flavored word to come out of my muzzle a second later.

"Damn," he said. "I tried to last as long as I could, but damn you feel so good."

"I know you did. You did get me off earlier."

"I wanted you to feel it again. Now come here."

I slinked back up his body, casting a glance down at the slick and spent, pink-red cock. I lay on top of him, feeling his manhood hot against my fur, satisfied that my weight didn't seem to affect him. I found myself straddling Dustin again while his paws instructed me where to go. He pulled me forward, and then down until I rested over his hips. It took me a moment to decipher the logic behind his guidance. I felt the smooth skin of his shaft press against my pussy as he ushered my weight down upon him. After a few micro corrections it clicked what he tried to initiate. I looked down between us. The lips of my sex pressed upon the underside of his cock. I shifted so that my labia parted on either side of his shaft, so that my sex snuggly embraced him. I half bucked, half rocked, rubbing my intimacy along his maleness from knot to tip, and tip all the way back down to his sheath. I had to act slow and thoughtful in order to keep my labia and his semi-firm cock aligned. My opening and my erect pearl grazed his smooth skin to my considerable pleasure. I kept his length painted in my arousal which had the added benefit of keeping every movement nearly frictionless.

"Damn Alex," Dustin said. "This feels good."

I nodded. "It does for me too."

"I've always wanted to do this. I just never got the chance."

"So we've found a first for you too?"

"I guess so, but there is a lot I haven't done that I'd like to."

"Such as?"

"It's not that weird is it? I've always been reluctant to ask for anything other than the normal stuff."

My brother bucked against me, sliding his length between my labia. I matched his motions so that we fluidly slid across one another. I could almost feel him grow just as firm as he was before we even began. "This seems pretty normal," I said.

"Never thought about it that way, but yea." His paws crept up my hips and kneaded my fur up my flanks, guiding me, as if he needed to.

"I guess you are just that comfortable around me, then again you've always been kinda shameless around me," I said, looking down at him. I nudged his chin up from the sight of our sexes touching to keep his attention on me. "I'm up here," I added with a smile.

"So are you," my brother said, moving a paw up to bring order to my mane. He smiled at me and nudged my muzzle. "You should talk. You haven't forgotten how you just finished me off, have you?"

"Am I just that easy?" I nodded down at the sight between us, at the fact I ceaselessly caressed Dustin's cock with my pussy.

"It's definitely not that," he said, his attention returning down to his where his cock laid sandwiched between my vulva and his bellyfur. "But I guess you're right, I'm more comfortable around you. It's easier to talk to you about these sorts of things. I've never gotten to that point with any other girl."

"I wouldn't know that feeling," I said, "but it's nice to be open about things. Never got that way with Riley. Couldn't talk to him about sex without putting ideas into his tiny head."

"You don't think I'm weird for wanting this?" Dustin asked, nodding back down between us.

"Of course I do," I said. "I've known you've been weird all my life. You're the weirdest guy I know. You're weird sexually too, but I guess I should have expected that."

Dustin chuckled, "I'm glad you don't mind, I guess."

"Fuck," I said. "I'm just as complicit. I still can't believe we're doing this."

"No regrets?" He asked.

"Plenty, but I guess I'm still here."

"By the way," Dustin said. "If you don't stop doing that I'm going to cum again."

I slowed and looked back down again. My brother was totally hard again. "Isn't that the goal?" I asked, looking down Dustin's muzzle.

"Eventually, yea, but it's your turn to get off."

"What's your plan?"

"Here," Dustin said, instructing me off him. I got to my knees and gave him some space. His paw moved back to his arousal and applied a few strokes, mostly for his own amusement. His cock looked so slick with my moisture, it was clear he didn't need much more in the way of preparation. I took the position I needed to be in in order to take my brother and waited to feel his tip sweeping through my labia. He fortuitously caught a translucent bead of cum and pre oozing from his pee-slit just before he entered me. Unaffected, he brushed that off with his thumb-pad. He then pointed his tip directly up at me and offered me another opportunity to come straddle his canine cock. I didn't need any instruction of what to do.

Without much in the way of hesitation I scooted those last few inches into position and carefully eased down. My fingers brushed away my fur, mainly just to make it easier for us both to watch Dustin slide back into my loosened labia. I felt his cock prod my slit until I knew by sensation that he'd found my opening. I descended, nearly shuddering as my vagina spread and Dustin's details once again grazed my interior. I emitted a hushed tone as my labia parted on his knot and we once again became complicit in a forbidden union. It felt thrilling to straddle the attractive rough collie. My sibling's warm, rock hard cock filled me completely. We smiled at one another and caressed each other comfortingly as if that's all there was to incest. I needed but a moment before instincts compelled me to rise and sink along that perfectly compatible canine arousal.

Our second round lasted a good deal longer. My brother demonstrated the same eagerness and stamina as before and I had accrued a little bit of practice in that position which made it a little easier to find what I liked. I discovered I could angle my hips and posture to will Dustin's cock to satisfy certain itches in those hard to reach parts of my body. In doing so I'd made it to where I'd left off in less time than before. I found myself venting tones, some of which I could have tried to stifle if I weren't willing to show that I was enjoying myself, and more significantly that I was growing somewhat comfortable with the idea of making love to my brother.

I closed my eyes and shut out Dustin and his all too familiar fur patterns. Explicit visualizations of that occurring within me immediately took his place in the darkness behind my eyelids. I imagined that hypothetical ball of pressure that I mistakenly attributed to my bladder, but recently began to believe came from something else entirely. I felt the slap of my brother's knot upon my labia and the echoes of pleasure that emerged from the point of contact. My movements became a pursuit of that sensation. Each descent became the pinnacle of my desire. Each upward buck met halfway added just a little bit more pressure, an expanding gray area seeping inward from my outer folds deep into my belly.

I held the sides of my brother's chest and realized I couldn't let go. My fingers, my elbows, my arms were frozen. Even my knees only knew how to conduct one mechanical movement. I was locked in those repetitive motions until something gave way. Thankfully each recurring cycle meant we were that much closer to it happening. Although I sensed it coming, it still took me by surprise when the spasms of relief began deep in my belly. I buckled forward and in an instant my movements became erratic and uncoordinated. My limbs were suddenly free from tension, but too weak to do anything other than support my weight. I gasped as my belly fluttered, my passage flexing along my brother's cock. I braced myself, panting, as my climax pulsed through me, driven out by my brother's unceasing thrusts. I had no choice but to ride out the intense and prolonged orgasm, doing my best to keep moving even though merely supporting myself became a challenge. My brother proved relentless. His cock kept prodding into that epicenter of pleasure, parting my contracting walls until one climax threatened to turn into another, until he had me almost begging to stop.

Eventually the waves left me and I became filled with that delightful post-orgasmic sense of satisfaction and respite. Only my brother kept me rocking in pursuit of his selfish needs. I tried my best to participate and help him along once the orgasmic high and haze dissipated enough to allow me some thinking skills, but even then everything I did lagged. I just had to satisfy myself in being tossed back and forth aiding in Dustin's climax. Just as I felt a third bubble of pressure began to form, I felt my brother's movements shift in a very telling way. "Sis," he uttered before enunciating a disconnected chain of words whose purpose it was to warn me to pull off. I obeyed right away that time, hissing through my teeth as his cock left my body. It felt as unsettling as before as I had to cope with sensation of vacancy broadcast by so many overstimulated nerves.

My brother's paw darted between us as soon as I slipped off him. He stroked himself vigorously and bucked erratically. He closed his eyes and lifted his muzzle. His breathing told me all I needed to know about when I could expect those spurts of cum that would no doubt arch between us within the moment. He spared me the usual curse word when he finished. I watched him vent a guttural sigh and start to pant. He bucked into his clenched fist and let the remainder of his seed spill out onto his belly. He tugged on himself long after he'd succeeded in draining the last bit of his product, until he slowly caressed his soft and spermy shaft for mere residual pleasure, and the turbulent moment ended with his body relaxing into the blanket.

It certainly wasn't as beautiful or as stylized as my preconceived notions of sex. My fur was out of order and sticky in places and my crotch was an embarrassingly wet disarray of matted tufts. My brother looked no better. For the moment we just panted on each other, somehow wordlessly forgiving one another's lapses in appearance. I let my brother's sultry breaths wash over me and took in his scents. He wasn't bad, but one still has to really like someone to be okay with them panting in one's face with an open muzzle.

Dustin pulled me down upon him and our bodies became flush. He kissed me and for a moment nothing else in the world mattered, not our homework and my descending grades, not the impossibility of incest, not the little puddle of collie semen getting on my belly-fur. His paws swept up my back, along the browns covering my shoulders, to where his fingers could disappear in my long mane of fur. We'd done so much no siblings should ever do, but in that moment he held me in a way that made me forget our blood and feel something I never felt before, something I desperately wanted to feel, namely, like someone's mate.

It took a few minutes for the elements of fantasy to dissipate like an exhausted smoke screen, but once again I found myself slowly descending back into reality, lying on my back, panting next to Dustin. My paw moved down and touched my belly just south of my navel. I felt wetness. I lifted it up and looked at the strings of semen linking my fingers. Despite my best efforts, I'd gotten tarnished again. My intimacy felt loose and stretched and my extremities tingled from my toes to my tail-tip. I no longer had my virginity to give away, so was this even special? Is there a word for a second time, or did I just participate in the nameless routines of adulthood? I wondered how many of my friends had truly gone as far as I'd gone. There was a lot of talk, but I'd surmised little action behind the boldest claims. It was certain that none of them had gone so far with their brothers.

I turned my head towards Dustin and he turned to me. We looked at each other, into each other's similarly shaded eyes. His paw bumped into mine. Unlike after the last time we'd made love, I let mine slip into his grasp. "Have you told anyone?" I asked after a moment of quiet, lying otherwise motionless on the sheet on the forest floor.

Dustin shook his muzzle. "You?"

I shook mine. "Do you think anyone knows?"

"Not if we don't tell them. What happens up here is as good as secret."

"What if someone finds out?"

"Who would find out?"

"Dad? The kids from school? The cops?"

"I guess if we were anyone else, they'd lead us to church in front of the barrel of a shotgun."

I chuckled a little. "Dad wouldn't do that. I mean, if you were just another guy."

"No," Dustin said, "you're right."

"What would he do, if he found out?"

"I have no idea," Dustin said. "He'd be pissed, I guess. More at me than at you. Somehow, he'd make this all my fault."

"Isn't it?"

"Don't say that. I only wanted this because I thought you wanted it too."

"I know," I said, "and I did."

"Dad loves you," Dustin continued, "He'd forgive you, or at least pretend it never happened. He'd probably kick me out of the house. Even if he didn't he'd never trust me again."

"I doubt he'd just forgive me. I figure grounding wouldn't even cut it. I probably won't see the light of day until I pack up for college. But that's not the worst. I'm more afraid of the permanent damage this would cause."

"One thing's for sure though, he wouldn't say a word of this to anyone else."

"Why do you think so?"

"That's the way it is. No one talks about this sort of thing."

"Does that mean it happens?"

"I'm sure it does. I'm sure it gets found out too. Then I think everyone does their best to sweep it under the rug. You know how people are around here. People hush up for less."

We wordlessly turned our muzzles away from each other and lay there naked in the orange autumn light. We spent the rest of the afternoon looking up at the swaying boughs of trees, wondering if there were anyone else on earth like us, a couple who felt like we felt and did what we did. We talked about leaving, about if there were a state, a city, an enclave somewhere out there that would accept us. Dustin kept assuring me that we couldn't be alone, that the world was large and we were small, but his turn of phrase sent a shiver down my back. As much as I loved him, I couldn't help but think that we were alone, a sole pair of deviants against the world.