FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I was so scared, so scared that so many of the things I cherished and loved in my life were gone. Before this all, everything in my life was so beautiful, so perfect, and now it was gone. It felt like my soul was shattered and every moment I stood around this… thing, made me realize I had lost some piece forever. And now, as I stood in this room, with my kaiju husband, I realized that in that growling tone, in that deep bassy animalistic sound, I could recognize the voice of my husband. I raised my hands to my mouth, tears immediately brewing at my eyes. A revelation so strong that any words I had in my mind were blown away before I could even think about forming them.

“I loo you." It was very distinctly non-human, something unlike anything I had heard, but it was still familiar, it still carried the whispers of voice I loved. "I loo you… like… sun."

“I… I love you like the sun loves the moon." I spoke the words in shock. “You… you remembered the book? But you said you hated it! I…" It was him, it was actually him. I kept telling myself that, I kept pretending like I believed it but it… it was him! The man I love, the man I dedicated my life to. That was him. I had told myself that it was him, I knew in my heart that it was him, but yet it hadn't sunk in.

“I love you fucking much Leo." I didn't really know what to do at the moment, so I sort of just hugged his leg. I could feel his large head and neck wrap around my back, hugging me in the same sense. “I'm sorry, I… I'm so worried and I… I don't-“

"shut…" Leo rumbled to me, though this time, being so close, I could feel all the muscles in his body tense as he tried to speak. Was this hurting him? I opened my mouth to ask but his word convinced me otherwise. Realizing how weird of a position I was in, I turned around and did my best to wrap my arms around his head, mostly just hugging the side of his neck.

But it felt nice to be close to him.

Neither of us wanted to break the moment, so calm, so serene, a peaceful silence where I was with him and he was with me. The only sounds to live with the space being cave drippings and his deep airy breaths. But that was fine, if anything, it added to the serenity that I felt. The bond, the strength of it all.

Though his stomach growling was something that I was not prepared for. A loud gurgling noise, giving a bassy echo throughout the chamber. My eyes went wide immediately as I pulled away, only to see Leo recoil and bunch up like a scared cat. “S… Sorry" He pressed his eyes tight together once again and spoke, I blushed as he took the effort to apologize.

“Oh- Uh, it's okay! Just surprised me. I… I don't know if I can get any food but…“ I began, when he was hungry I would normally rush to cook or run to a restaurant but… well that wasn't really an option anymore, was it? “Do you want me to-?"

Leo shook his head and focused hard again, it was clear that attempting to speak took an intense amount of focus and energy from him. “H- Hu- Ah!" I watched his large tongue attempt to dance around his even bigger mouth, trying in vain to form human sounds before his whole jaw snapped shut with a bone chilling crack of force. A loud growling yelp filled the room as his front paw rushed to cradle his face.

“O- Oh, shit! Are you… are you okay?" I asked, mostly confused about what was going on. Leo, eyes still pressed tight, tilted his head back and forth in 'kind of' way. He opened his eyes and shook his head, rubbing the back of his large jaw. “What… what happened?"

He frowned, seemingly not risking speaking again. He just rubbed his jaw, raised one of his large clawed paws and clenched it tightly.

“Um… cramp?" I guessed.

With a pained nod, I knew I was correct. “Oh fuck, I'm sorry, I can't… that's gotta suck. I… you don't have to talk for me, I- I'm fine with guessing! Really!"

Leo smiled again, shaking his head dismissively but didn't try to speak. He just flicked his head to the cave entrance before raising his paw and flicking it open three times, all five massive muscular digits visible. Before pointing with his stubby thumb towards the door.

“Uh… 5… trips?" Leo shook his head. “Five… pairs of three?" Another shake of the head. “15…?" He leaned in, I was getting warmer. “15… minutes?" Leo gave a warbling chuckle, and a nod.

“Ha! Okay. Fifteen minutes, I will uh… be here I guess." I responded, looking around the now large piles of stuff I had brought with me. It would be lots of sorting it would seem.

——

I'd probably never get used to how small he was now. It was like looking at an action figure, but one that talked and smelled so strongly like my sweet little goo-bear. It was adorable to see him go through all the stuff he had brought with him, he always tried his best to be as prepared as possible. It reminded me of all the camping trips we had before… well. I'd bring a small bag of two pairs of clothing and some essentials, and he'd bring an entire suitcase of things that he would swear up and down he'd need.

That was gone now, but at least he hadn't changed. I leaned in and tapped my snout against his face, giving a little lick on his cheek. The closest I could get to a kiss. A light of warmth flew through my body as he blushed and playfully tried to push me away. Though his forceful shove felt more like getting slapped by a hamster, it was still enough for me to let loose that weird laugh.

“I'll see you in a bit, okay?" He said to me, oh, he was so cute when he was worried. I did my best to smile, forever cursing my lack of lips, but he seemed to get the message. “I love you!" I gave a purring response. I wanted to say it, well, growl it honestly, but the pain in the entirety of my chest said otherwise.

My throat burned, my neck burned, my tongue ached, fuck even my back was feeling a bit worn out. This body was no speaking body, that's for damn certain. Though I was not going to give up without a fight, no way in hell. Regardless, I turned around and headed out through the cave. Glancing around at the sharp columns of rock and stone that drooped from the ceiling and collected on the floor. Definitely not the homiest of places.

Walking out of the entrance reminded me of entering it. I was completely taken off guard when he told me he couldn't see in the cave, I could see fine! I frowned, the differences were just adding up. There wasn't anything I could do about that now though, not after all that I had gone through. One bad night, one slipped drink, and that was it. Day ruined! Or well, more like life ruined.

Over the course of a week my body changed dramatically. I rolled my shoulders as I stopped at the exit of the cave. I could still feel the pain of them readjusting and cracking into place. Worse than dislocation, by far. Thankfully, my ass was done with the pain. No more knives stabbing into my chest, no more blood curdling pops and snaps and I tried to sleep in vain. It was over, and as far as I could tell, I was myself.

Yet, a part of me questioned if that was really true. If I was still myself. Had anything changed?

Sammy didn't seem to think so, or at least I thought. I had no idea what I was anymore.

The forest around me was so much smaller than what I had seen before. Not that I had been here before, it was just the same type of forest that I had grown up in, and that was smaller. These trees, which I knew would be only a little thinner then Sammy, (Who honestly wasn't the thinnest guy.) I could almost wrap my entire hand around.

At least the lake still looked large, Lake Genati, or Death's Head. I think it used to be called like Toail or Blue Beauty before, but that changed with the walls. The story goes, if you are able to see it, you're already dead. So much for that bull shit I guess. Not like it mattered though, me and Sammy were locked here for good.

Hope was all I had that my pained attempt at words was enough to get his worries away from what was most definitely coming in the future. I couldn't imagine a way we'd be able to survive in this forest for more than a couple months at most. But even with that, I wouldn't let Sammy feel the dread of that fact, and waste away all the time I had with my goobear.

I stopped in my tracks, there was a smell, and a bit of a sound. I didn't recognize the smell but the sound was… hoof like. I immediately followed it, I could take no chances in this space, I didn't want to end up empty handed in this space. I looked down towards my claws as I walked, I would be using them soon.

I hoped they were sharp.

The sound led me deeper into the forest, the canopy grew denser, the brush sharper. Now, somehow, I was on the receiving end of the sharp stabs into my legs. Large thorn bushes, living like walls in the path that I had to take. I tried to keep my eyes on the prize, keeping my mind away from what I felt and instead to what I could see. The sound grew louder and louder, the dense canopy above blocking out more and more light, but that was no issue for me.

It was close, I didn't really know how I knew that, but I felt it in my bones. I could hear it's rather hefty clopping hooves, and it's shifting huffs of breath. I felt like…. I felt like it was calm, though I had no idea how that information came to me. I crept closer, trying to be quiet, silently impressed with how I was able to be at that, considering my size. Nevertheless I grew closer, form low, shoulders haunched tail almost stiff from how focused I was.

Then I saw it, the browns of the coat, the dull dead eyes of a grazing herbivore. I was confused at what I was looking at for a second before I realized it was like nothing I had seen before in my life. Shaped vaguely like a deer, though much, much larger than anything I had seen. I could only wonder what it tasted like.

Familiarity came in my actions as I focused so heavily upon my own footsteps. I was watching my surroundings, making sure that all was still except my target. I was hunting like I had been not so many months ago, yet instead of the bow I normally carried, I wielded something much more bestial. Not like it mattered now, it'd do the same job.

The creature wasn't far now, maybe thirty feet, it was happily chomping away on a small bush or something. The rough scarred markings of where horns could have sat made me curious about the possible similarities that this creature may have had. Yet that did not stop my approach, and did not stop my mental preparation as I tried my best to guess exactly what I was going to need to do.

It was strange, I really should have had no idea exactly how to do what was about to come next yet, something was helping me. Some invisible guiding force that grabbed my paws and placed them exactly where they needed to go for me to be ready to gather what would be mine. One leg back, one leg forward, ready for a dead sprint. It would be over quickly, I told myself, I wouldn't have to think about it long. There would be no struggle.

It was time.

I dove forward, faster than I had ever run before. It felt like sticking my head out of a car, so much wind flew past my head. The deer thing didn't even get it's head up fully before I was on it, though I wouldn't have called it unprepared. I threw my claws forward towards it's next but it was quick, it literally bounced off the ground and flew two feet backwards away from where I was diving, just enough distance for me to barely miss anything vital, though my claws did find purchase somewhat. And in that place, they tore like a hot knife through butter, though not like it mattered.

The creature gave a loud guttural honk of a noise as it tried it's best to dive away, immediately I pivoted. Hooves hit the ground, throwing that thick mud up into the air as I came in close behind, watching that large creatures furred behind taunt me so close, yet so fast. We weaved through trees, through bushes, through canopy, each moment I was just too slow to bite.

Yet it couldn't run forever, there wasn't enough forest here for it to hide. Though better yet, it did that job for me. We ran into a cliff, in the moment I couldn't tell but it was the same cliff that the cave was from, and I wasn't far away. The creature ran towards it before realizing that it had cornered itself and there was nowhere to run. Immediately it attempted to double back, but it was far too late, I was already on it.

I threw my claws around it's neck tearing easily into it's vitals, I grimaced as the blood poured from the wounds freely, the feeling of doing such easy damage with my bare hands extremely unsettling. I, for some reason, believed that the creature would relent at this point, though I was wrong.

In a quicker moment than I could react, the creature turned hard. I had assumed to try and pull my claws away from it's neck. I panicked in that second, scared that it was actually going to get away, I… gave into that force that was guiding me. My jaw opened and my teeth dug into the flesh. The feeling was horrible, the taste was terrible and the sounds were terrifying. The creature thrashed underneath my jaw until it didn't anymore. It gurgled and wheezed until it didn't.

I held it there, an almost pain like feeling welled in my chest as I realized I had just used my own body to rip the life from a creature. It felt… barbaric and cruel. I was a monster. How could I ever look my little lover in the eye with all of this taint on my soul? That pain in my chest grew and grew until… until I realized it was more than just some stress.

Immediately I dropped the dead deer thing, my eyes falling as both of it's back hooves dropped down from where that had sat. Both embedded deep into the lower part of my leg, deep dark blood throbbed from the wounds, this was bad. Sammy was going to kill me, if I didn't die from blood loss first.

——

Day forty-eight through day fifty-two. Seven specific days, with seven specific dairy entries. Each one documented exactly how I dealt with the pain that Leo was going through, each one documenting how useless I felt. We had spare painkillers, the powerful prescription stuff, not over the counter, yet he burned through those by day three. He screamed, and cried, and begged, and I wasn't able to do a damn thing but be there for him.

He loved me, like he said, I knew that to be true. Though some part of me ate away at it all, despite my best efforts. Was it really a good idea for me to be here? Or was it some stupid selfish plot to make myself feel better despite my lover's declining mental and physical state?

Did it matter?

No. Not really. Well, it did at the time, but not anymore. I wasn't in a position for it to matter anymore. I shook my head, I wasn't going to get anywhere by thinking about the woes of my life. I needed to think about… honestly literally anything else.

My eyes scanned the room, visually grazing upon all that I had laid out upon the stone. Clothes, body products, survival gear… A map. A thought hit me as I looked upon it, growing out further as I picked it up and examined it. A map of the valley within the wall, a wall built with no explanation other than to 'protect us'. To protect us from what? Leo still had his mind, what was it there to protect us from? Why were they lying to us?

… were they?

My train of thought ended as I heard Leo's heavy footfalls from the entrance of the cave, yet something was off, was he… limping? I rose to my feet as quickly as I could, grabbing the lantern and rushing towards the entrance, only to be greeted by the largest deer I had ever seen. Far larger than me, and something more comparable to Leo, who at that moment, had his jaws wrapped around the neck of the creature and was dragging it across the ground.

“O- Oh, is that… food?" I asked, watching as it's head bounced against the ground once Leo dropped it, the corpse of a creature, like so many he had brought to be before. “You know I don't like doing thi-" I began, before I spotted a strange look upon Leo's disgustingly blood coated face. Terror.

“What's wrong?" I immediately asked, worried beyond belief.

“H- hurt…" He weakly growled as he lifted his hand off of his chest, his palm absolutely coated in congealed blood. Intermingled between the massive splashes of now dried blood say the thick trails of much darker much denser blood stains. And immediately the two dense wounds upon his leg started to bleed once again and I immediately snapped into medical mode. “Oh shit… Lay down now, and- and do it carefully!" I demanded as I rushed towards my bag practically ripping out my 'overstocked' medical kit and rushing to his side.

Even with how much bigger he was now, I still knew I could work with what I had. I could see him looking at me with worry, and I didn't have the courage to show my fear. “Deep breaths, Leo okay? Don't go to sleep, I'll get this done before you know it."

I dug through my pack, throwing light gauze, and compression bands out across the floor until I finally found the thicker thread I knew I needed. I caught a glimpse of the many vials of anesthetic I had but I knew I didn't have enough. Not to mention the ticking clock that was the seemingly dangerous amount of blood that poured from my lover's chest. I would stick with stitches and hope he didn't pass out on top of me.

The needle went into the dense blubber about as well as it went into rubber, which was annoying but I didn't think about it. Though the part that did hurt me was the growl of pain with each puncture, a cruel reminder of far too many realities. I had to push through and do what I was trained to do. Quick, yet precise, that was all I went for, and thankfully, the wounds weren't deep enough to be severely life threatening.

As my hand stayed, all that Leo was left with was some pretty large stitches. I breathed a sigh of relief as I finished the last one, immediately ripping out the antibiotic spray and the adhesive bandages and going to town on the wounds, using my cloth to wipe the majority of the remaining blood off his body and across his heavily blood stained chest, I turned back to Leo. His muzzle pale and his eyes not focusing on anything in particular.

He looked worse than I had hoped, his eyes still weakly looking upon me. He definitely had lost a decent bit of blood, but it was obvious that the pain of what I had done was worse than the blood. Finally I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief, the panic was done.

And as the panic faded the held wave flooded, “How are you feeling? Is that the only wound? Are you okay?" I looked over his body as quickly as I could, his dull gray skin made the red of the blood stand out more than anything. I looked down towards the massive deer that had seemingly given him those wounds, it was incredibly large, I hadn't ever seen anything like it.

“What were you thinking!? That thing is huge! Why did you go after it?" It all poured out as I scanned his body, then the deer, then the wound, like clock work. By the time I finally looked back at his face, I stopped in my tracks. Tears ran freely down his cheeks as he looked at me terrified, I pulled my hands back instinctually as regret filled my mind. “Oh no, I'm sorry Leo I didn't mean to…"

A deep growling whine filled the quiet of the cave as his head fell to the ground, I could only imagine the pain, sorrow and regret he felt from his actions. “Oh god, I'm so sorry." I said as I flew to his side, doing my best to wrap my arms around his massive neck. “I'm sorry I yelled, I was… I was just worried that you weren't okay."

“St- Stueid…" He growled quietly.

“Nonono, you're not stupid! I… I just think we just need to… I don't… I don't know." I rambled, so many responses yet they all felt wrong, I pulled Leo in tighter and picked the safest bet. “I… I love you Leo, we'll figure this out okay? I know we can, it's why I'm here!"

More tears ran down his blubbery cheeks, his back eyes opened up and glanced towards me on his side, their strange squarish pupil looking at me. “I…I scared."

“I… I am too, Leo." I said, I felt my own tears start to fall. “But I'm here for you, okay? I'm not going to leave your side, we can do this together okay?"

He closed his eyes, the tears fell faster. The whine grew. “Ey -ault" he growled, the words getting more muffled.

“No! No, you didn't choose this! We… we don't even know what exactly happened!" I had said this all before, when he first started transforming, and he didn't believe it then. I hoped he'd believe it now. “And honestly, it doesn't even matter now, all that matters is that we are here together."

I could see the muscles in his jaw clench, an honestly terrifying motion as those muscles were as thick as my legs. Yet, before I could react, his head lifted up from the ground once again, and his eyes looked down towards me. I could see him watching me, reading me, I didn't have the faintest idea what was going on inside his head but I tried my best to guess. “Leo, I came here because I wanted to be here with you, I knew the dangers, I knew what that would entail, none of that is your fault."

I gave a weak smile. “I did it because I love you, and nothing will change that."

I could see him return the smile, but I didn't even vaguely have time to react as both of his large arms pulled me in close to his chest and his neck wrapped around my head. Immediately I was entirely surrounded by his warmth, a strong scent of salt and mixed with the wisps of a smell vaguely familiar.

He pulled away, making eye contact with me as he smiled with his eyes once again, those beautiful inhuman amber eyes, yet so wonderfully familiar. The eyes of my love, the eyes of Leo. Yet suddenly, he closed them, I made a little yelp at the sudden loss of his beautiful eyes but I could see the muscles in his jaw clenching to move again. “I… love… you… too…"

I smiled, the sounds were getting more clear, still fully inhuman but it made more sense. “Like a fairytale…" I said lovingly, however his confused, half smiling look towards me told me enough about how he felt with my fantasies. “You're trying so hard because you love me so much it's… I love you Leo." I hugged his neck again as his head tapped the back of my back.

As I pulled away, it became clear in that moment as I looked down towards my clothes, that hugging the blood spattered body of my husband was not the best decision, blood now spattered the many different parts of my clothing, staining them hopefully not permanently. Panic immediately filled my mind as I looked down towards my beautiful green polo tee and jeans. “Nononono, oh god dammit! Why did I wear this?"

Leo sighed as he looked down towards me, laying his head against the ground.

“No you grump! You ruined my clothes!" I half heartedly kicked his chin, which honestly didn't even move his head. “I- dammit."

I shook my head in defeat as I loosened the buttons upon my shirt and unzipped my pants. “You know, the things I do for you…" I said as I pulled the polo over my head and pulled my pants off and threw them into a little pile. “Next time, something smaller, okay? We don't need a huge demon deer thing to almost kill you to make some dinner? A… a lot of fish or something will work just fine, okay-" My ramblings got cut off as I looked towards Leo once again.

His head was off the ground and staring at me fully. It was at this moment that I realized I was standing in front of a massive multitonne creature in my underwear. It was like being a deer in headlights. Seeing such a large, dangerous, and truly malicious looking creature staring at me like a delectable meal. There I was, with no clothing to hide me, nothing to protect me as I stood in this cold, damp and barely lit cave.

In that moment I was terrified, and embarrassed all in one go. That transition of him watching me, before realizing that I could see him, was a wave of embarrassment upon his face. Yet, that second of seeing his shining eyes upon that ocean of terrifying creatures, melted some of the intense fear that radiated throughout myself.

Then he looked away, and even though he was still in the room, I felt a serious pressure drop off my chest. Why did I think it was a good idea to start taking clothes off like this? Why did I do it? It was a stupid question in hindsight, he was my husband, we've done that all the time. Then why did this feel so different?

I shakily stumbled towards the suitcase as I gave worried glances back towards the creature in the room. I knew he was Leo, everything about the way he acted screamed Leo yet something strong struck that concrete barrier of 'wrong' in my mind. The way he moved was so natural, and so bestial, the way he looked around the room, the way he sniffed the air. It felt so new, so different, so wrong. All of these things that I knew were the new normal, had shifted something inside of me.

The clothes in my suitcase were all scattered, Leo was so rough with his snout when he dug through my belongings that I'm certain he hadn't even thought about keeping things organized. I tried to keep my mind on topic, what was I going to wear? I needed to think of something comfortable yet utilitarian. Anything to just give me a moment of reprieve from the situation, but it was too pressing.

My mind raced; I knew I still loved him. There was no doubt in my mind that was the case. He was still Leo, and he still did so much to care for me and to be there for me. That was all I could ever want from a man, yet something there gnawed at me. The elephant in the room was the love of my life. The words of those horrible agents reverberated through the moment, what even was he now? Some shark dolphin dog hybrid thing? What the hell would that even be?

I slowly put the cleaner clothes on, these ones being much more rugged and easily cleanable then the last setup, though the green decorative camo of the pants was a strong choice for my look. I looked back towards him, he wasn't looking at me at all, it was obvious he wasn't even going to risk a look towards me even if he wanted to. “I'm… I'm dressed, Leo."

His head twitched, slowly, like a clock's hand ticking through, he shifted closer and closer towards looking at me. His head hung low and shame coating his face. I didn't know how to feel, nor did I even know what to say. So I didn't say anything. I looked at the wound on his leg, the bandages blood stained, but still holding and not fully saturated. Then towards the deer on the ground, my stomach growled as I closed my eyes tight.

“C- Can you cut up the deer?" I asked cautiously. “I… I know you're hurt but I…"

Leo quickly nodded, making no complaints as he cut me off half heartedly, lifting himself up just enough to shift his good arm over to the deer and lowered his claw to start cutting the deer. I winced as I heard the flesh start to tear and the sounds of mutilation filled the space. I shook my head and gagged.

“A- Actually, I'm going to go get some water." I spat, digging through my suitcase again and grabbing the weird foldable water bucket bag thing.

Leo's head shot up, worry on his face. He did not want me to go out alone. The look actually made the pure wave of nervousness I sat within fade for just a moment, though only for the moment. The love of our bond shining through for just a second, before that tension within ate away without reprieve. “I… I'll just be gone for a few minutes, I think I saw a creek or something outside the cave."

Leo shuffled to try to stand, though immediately I could see blood surge into the bandage upon his leg. My mind jumped into work mode immediately. “N-No! Absolutely not! You're gonna rip out those stitches! J- just stay here and I will be back, if something goes wrong I'll yell. You'll hear me, I know you will. I scream loudly." I tried to joke, though the worry in his head seemed to be permanent.

He didn't move, he didn't nod, he didn't shake his head, he only stared at me with the sharpest worried look upon his face. He knew me too well, he was reading me like a book. “I'm sorry, i just… I just need to think about some stuff for a bit. I'll be back in a bit, okay?"

He looked at me, brow furrowed. I frowned, “I love you, I do. I'll be back."

He closed his eyes tight and I could see the muscles in his chest flex. “I… loth… you… too…"

It took him a moment to speak, to force the words out of his alien mouth. No lips to move, yet a vaguely human voice, it didn't help what I felt. I smiled faintly before nodding and walking out of the cave. Hand against the wall as I walked into the darkness, my mind immediately shifted again to the flood of emotions within.

It was a flash back to the moment before, that predatory creature staring at me, like prey about to pounce, yet a wound not far I had so desperately patched in fear of that creature's life. Even farther back still, back before he had fully become the creature he is now, and I sat on his bedside. His face was distorted, his body a mess of human and creature in a horrific display of mutation. He looked at me, three eyes fully transformed, the other an amalgamation halfway through completion, and I couldn't get past it all. His almost fully transformed clawed arm was forced into my lap as he uttered his last human words. “I love you." They were guttural, like his voice had been growing, and they were almost gibberish, but it was him.

At that moment, I believed I had heard the last words from him that I would ever hear. I had half heartedly held his dagger tipped hand as he admitted his love for the final time. And in that moment, my thoughts were stuck on the way he looked, and the way he was broken, over the fact that he was my lover.

I arrived at the lake shore. Pulling out the weird foldable bucket thing, I stiffened it up and dipped it in the water a few times, getting what was probably a few gallons of water, before sitting down on the gravelly sand. The lake was honestly beautiful, more gorgeous than ever. With the sun setting in the distance the golden light bounced off the water and sparkled like pixie dust in the wind. The golden hues of the mountains in the distance contrasted with the blues of the sky in the most heavenly way.

Leo had brought me to the sister lake of Death's Head, on the other side of the wall of course. It looked a lot like this, except a good bit smaller. He had borrowed his father's boat, and as we stood atop it, he baited my fishing pole because I was too squeamish to put a hook through the tiny fish's head. He told me about all of his different camping trips in the area while I listened intently. When he got enthusiastic about something, it was either a really good time, or a very bad idea, and honestly, this time, it was a really good listen.

He spoke of his trips wandering through the forest, setting up camp at random creeks he'd find along the way. He spoke of the small amount of cave diving he had done throughout the mountain range. He spoke of how his father and himself had journeyed throughout almost the entirety of the forest and how he knew almost every landmark like the back of his hand. He spoke of how he had hiked up to the tallest mountpeak, and how he could see over the wall and look at the gorgeous lake in the middle of that forbidden land.

He asked me if I wondered what the transformed were like, what those 'ferals' acted like, and what they were even doing behind those walls. I shrugged and made a joke about being animals or something like that and he didn't laugh. He only stared off into the distance at the shining water. “What would you do if it happened to me?" He had asked, his face solemn.

I remember smiling coyly, almost laughing at the thought. “Well, it's not, nobody's gotten infected in years, they've got that vaccine remember?"

“Sammy, what would you do?" He looked towards me, I had only seen that look in my life a couple of times, when he asked me out, when he proposed, and when we talked about our deaths.

My heart pounded in my chest. “I- I… I don't know. Um…" I stumbled through words, what was I going to say to such a complex question? The beasts behind the walls were just that, beasts, what was I going to say to him? That I'd let him die behind that wall? “I… I don't know… I'd figure it out I guess?"

Leo looked towards me intensely, his eyes amber like the sun above. He inspected me, with no clear intention why, before breaking away, seemingly satisfied with what he had heard. “I'd stay with you. I don't know what this beast shit is, but I don't want to lose you. I want you to be okay."

“I will be okay, Leo. Nothing like that is going to happen." A frown grew as I looked upon Leo, his expression dead serious. “I'm here with you, and I always will be, 'till ` do we part' remember?"

My own words stuck with me, because now, in this new moment only a year or so later, I myself stared out towards the water. I understood the conflict in his mind. There was no way he knew what was going to happen, but he was just trying to be prepared. I could have never been prepared, and neither could he. It was a one in a million chance that anything like this could have happened and yet, it did.

As I stared out into the water, the light scattered across its almost untouched mirror like reflection. It was gorgeous.

What was I going to do? To stare out into nothingness and reminisce back onto days past? If Leo was here he'd tell me to stiffen up and move along. The past is the past and nothing will bring it back. Yet I felt like that question, the one he asked on that lake, was the answer to these riddles in my mind. Why did everything feel so wrong? Had I done the right thing? What was going to happen? What did we need to do?

With a grunt, I lifted up the foldable bucket thing and moved back towards the cave.