FSE

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--Trainer--

It was easily the middle of the night when I finally woke up, half buried in warm, silky soft fur. I’d fallen asleep between Penance and Claire. Despite my being half naked, I was so warm it was almost stifling. Claire leaned in to kiss me, murmuring in half-sleep how cute I was as she wrapped her arms around me. Penance nipped at my fingertips as I reached for her, but after a few moments, the pair let me up.

Tempest had fallen asleep on the opposite side of Claire, nuzzled into her back as I moved, disrupting the pile. Mira was halfway on top of both of them, her ribbons draped idly seemingly everywhere. Cocoa had squeezed in between Penance and I, and yawned, looking up at me through sleepy sapphire eyes. She smiled as my hand brushed against her cheek. “Hurry back.” She whispered, as I left the tent. But I could tell by her breathing, she was asleep before I was two steps away.

I didn’t plan on being up long, slipping on my shoes to stagger to the treeline, wiping sleep from my eyes. I was still so tired. Everything ached. I began to relieve myself, the sound of the water striking soil the only sound. The air was still. Every blade of grass seemed suspended in place.

As I turned around to head back, Helena was there. I was glad I’d just finished, or I would have wet myself. As it was, I jumped back and would have shouted if it weren’t for my back hitting the tree hard enough to knock the wind out of me. Not my finest moment.

“Sorry!” Helena apologized, closing the distance to check on me as I winced and caught my breath. “Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I thought you heard me call for you.”

“No. I …” I tried to find the words, but all I managed was a sleepy grumble. “Not awake yet.” I yawned, and stretched, trying to shake off the sleep. “What’s wrong?” I asked, reaching down to run my hand over her head. “You’re up late. Something the matter?”

“Well…” She said, looking back to the tent. “Walk with me?”

I was definitely not in the mood for a nature hike, but I already had my boots on. My boots, my underwear, and little else. The night was warm, at least. Whatever I felt about it though, I knew she wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t matter. So I followed.

We made it down to the water’s edge, and sat. A gentle breeze had picked up, making the surface of the water shimmer with the light of the moon. It danced on the surface, and reflected in Helena’s eyes.

Helena nuzzled against me, kissed and licked and caressed with her heavy paws. “I need a favor.” She said, as she circled me, slowly. “And I can’t let you say no, fucker. Whatever I have to do for this favor, I’ll do it. You understand?”

For a moment I had to pause to consider; it probably wasn’t the first time she’d made this kind of bargain. It probably didn’t work out very well for her in the past. I wished I knew more about her. More about what was going on in her head. I couldn’t imagine what would be so important to her.

“We’ll see.” I said, with a sigh. “Depends on the favor.” It was noncommittal, but I was worried about the kind of favors she might ask. I felt guilty to realize it, but we definitely hadn’t found our footing yet. I couldn’t say I trusted her, and it was obvious that she still felt like she had to make deals and bargain with me.

“Fucking… fine. Look. You know I’ve been through some shit, right? Annabelle… she wins the fuckin’ league trophy for trust issues. She’s the only real friend I have here, and as much as I hate her sometimes, she needs you. Just… Fuckin’ do your thing, okay? You always know what to say, so fuckin’ put her at ease. Give her what she needs.” She wasn’t asking for herself. She was clearly agitated by the entire conversation. I didn’t understand why she was getting me involved in it, but it obviously wasn’t her idea.

For a moment, I wondered if Gwen had anything to do with it, but the kindly old ranger was probably as out-of-the-loop as anyone. Which left Annabelle herself. She was too proud to ask for help, and that meant…

If Helena was asking me for help, the girl was seriously in trouble.

“You said anything?” I asked, reaching up to touch Helena’s cheek. “No complaints, no arguments?”

“Fuckin’...” She sighed heavily, looking away from me, an expression somewhere between frustration and shame. “Yeah, boss. Anything. Okay? Just don’t fuck this up.” She replied, resolutely. It was, apparently, that important to her. Even so, she still couldn’t make eye contact with me when she said it. I could see how unhappy she was, but that would just have to wait for now.

“Fine. Bargain struck.” I said, stretching slowly. “I guess I should get dressed and go find Annabelle.” I didn’t want to, to be honest. I couldn’t imagine how Annabelle was going to take it for me to poke my nose in her business like this.

“Just… stay put, okay? I’ll go get her.” Helena nudged me down as I started to stand, and stared into my eyes. “And… thank you. Fucking… I owe you. I know. But … thank you.”

I must have dozed off, waiting. The moon was higher in the sky, and a breeze woke me with a chill. I yawned, and from beside me, I heard a gentle laugh. Annabelle reached out, her hand on mine and offered a soft smile.

“Sleepyhead.” Her tone was gentler than I’d ever heard it. “I’m glad you woke up. I’d have felt guilty to stir you, myself.”

“Annabelle.” I more mumbled than said, stretching and shaking off the sleep. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

“Tonight… just call me Belle, okay?” She asked, leaning against my shoulder. “I… know this all doesn’t make sense to you, but... “ She sighed heavily, and stared up into the sky. “I… want you to call me Belle.”

“Belle… alright.” I said, gently. “So… you’re right. It doesn’t make sense to me. I want it to. What’s on your mind?” I asked, giving her hand a squeeze. “Because this really isn’t… like you. At least, not like the you I’m familiar with.”

“She didn’t… explain anything, did she? Damn her... “ Annabelle said, shaking her head. “I... “ She hesitated, faltered, and stared out across the water. “I…” She tried to find words, but struggled, her hand trembled beneath mine.

“She didn’t, maybe you should?” I asked, gently. “We haven’t really had a chance to talk, have we? I’m sorry. Things have been awfully busy, haven’t they?” I asked. “And I never thanked you for before, did I? You put me back together, and that couldn’t have been easy.”

“No. I… I was glad to. You defended us. Defended all of us, even though I was such a bitch to you. It meant a lot to me to be able to make amends for it.” She replied, taking her hand back, gently. She wrapped her arms around her knees, as she sat, staring out over the surface of the water. “I was wrong about you, and I’m sorry.”

“Hey, you have your reasons. Right? I don’t know anything, but I know your friend is worried about you. She wants to help, and I want to help if I can. But I’m useless if I don’t know what’s going on.” I said, as I leaned back, resting on my elbows, staring up to the night sky.

“You’re right. I know. I … did I ever tell you about my name? Nobody else probably said a word. It’s… it would be like them, wouldn’t it? I… My name is Belle. I only ever want you to call me that from now on. Anna was my trainer when I was younger, and happier.” She might as well have been speaking in circles, or riddles.

She must have sensed my confusion, because she reached out, and took my hand again, met my gaze, with a sad smile. “I’m not making a lot of sense. I know. I don’t know where to begin, or … even if you care at all.”

“Belle,” I said, reaching out to take her hand with both of mine. She flinched, but I didn’t stop, until my fingertips held her, kept her gaze on mine. “It isn’t in my nature to not care. I may not understand, I may have no answers. I always care. It’s important to you, so it’s important to me. Same is true for all my friends.”

“But we’re not…” She protested, ears flat to her head. “Since when would you have called us friends? I’ve been terrible to you.”

“You also helped me, protected me, looked after me. Helped my friends, despite hating everything I am, everything I represented to you.” I smiled at that, and for a moment, she smiled back, her ears relaxing somewhat. “So… you’re my friend. We may not see eye to eye, but when I needed you, you were there for me. I hope you know you can rely on me, just the same.” It seemed obvious enough to me, but I could see the flash of epiphany in her eyes.

“You… is that what you think?” She asked, with a fragile little laugh. “Okay… you win. I... “ She sighed, and leaned against me. “Anna was my first trainer. My first friend, really. We were together for a long time. She loved her children, but lost her daughter in childbirth. Sophie, her granddaughter, lived. It broke her heart, but she kept going, looking after the only thing she felt she had left of her only daughter.”

“And then Sophie got sick.” Annabelle said, with a sigh. “And nothing anyone was doing was helping, and it was getting worse and more expensive. Some rich bastard came along and offered to pay for the medical expenses… in exchange for me. And… just like that, I was out of their lives.” She summarized it succinctly, moving from point to point without any hesitation. A train wreck happening in stop motion.

“The things he did to me…” She stopped short, her hands clenching so tight I could see her shoulders tense. “I couldn’t fight back against. If I did, he’d leave Sophie to die, and … so I let him. Again and again. I gave up. Completely. All I knew was suffering. Not just what he did to me, but also in not knowing if it was even worth it. I never found out what happened to Anna or Sophie. They disappeared in the middle of it all.” The bitterness in her emotion-choked voice was overwhelming. I wanted to say something, to reassure her, somehow, but... I couldn’t. There was nothing to be said, nothing I could do, and I didn’t dare interrupt her.

“So that’s why.” She said, after a quiet moment. “It wasn’t about you. It was about me. It was about the idea that they didn’t have a choice, the way I didn’t have a choice… except… obviously, they did, and do, and you love them so much… more than anyone has ever loved me. I think that’s what hurts me the most. Helena told me about it… about what happened in the end. That you were going to die for them. That you were going to let those men beat you to death, and your only worry was making sure they were out of reach, just like that. You’d have given anything. Everything to protect them. Nobody ever … nobody protected me. I was never worth that to anyone.”

“Belle,” I started to say, but she interrupted me, her hand on my cheek.

“No. I … I need to say this, or I never will.” She said, trembling as she took a few deep breaths. “I felt betrayed, all over again. The first time I saw how that lycanroc looked at you. The first time I saw how much she loved you. Because I loved Sophie and Anna, like that, once. Because I knew what that love felt like to give... “ She shook her head, and looked up to the stars. “But I didn’t know what it felt like to be given that kind of love. I want … to know what it’s like to have a choice. I want you to show me what it’s like to be loved. To be treated gently. To have someone I can rely on, if only for tonight. I want you to give me something different to hold to. Not a painful memory in my past. Not Anna. Not Sophie.”

“You might be disappointed in what I show you.” I said, my hand on her shoulder. Her finger brushed my lips, silencing them as she pushed me back to the grass. But before she could continue, I wrapped her up in my arms, and held her close to me.

“What are… I don’t…” She sputtered, looking over her shoulder at me. “What are you doing? I thought…” She trailed off, her ears falling flat against her head. “Do you just… not want me?”

I shook my head, as I wrapped her up tight, and spooned with her in the grass. “You said it yourself, didn’t you? You want to know what it’s like to be loved, and treated gently. You want something different to hold to.”

For a moment, she visibly struggled with the words, and what they meant, juxtaposed against all of the ideas she had built up for herself about what they should mean. “You’re completely insane, aren’t you?” She asked, bewildered. She sighed, and squeezed my hands after a moment. “No. You’re the one who’s making sense. I’m the crazy one, aren’t I?”

“Belle, you don’t need me to do those other things.” I said, burying my nose into her shoulder. “Not if you don’t want to. Not for me. Not for anyone.” She whimpered as I said it, tried to breathe but all she got was a hiccup as she trembled in my arms. “You don’t need me to do those things. You need to know you can be loved. And you can. You already are. Gwen loves you. So does Helena. What about Belle? What does Belle think?”

She shuddered, sighed, and then the tears fell. She cried, clutching tight to my arm. Sobbed, and wept. And for the longest time, I held her. I held her while she wailed, frustrated, angry cries. I held her when she thrashed, and punched the muddy soil, again, and again. I was still holding her when she finally spent all of her anger, panting and exhausted in my arms.

For a long time, she was silent, and we stared up at the sky together. She sobbed, here and there, fresh tears falling, but the tumultuous, visceral side of things had quieted. I couldn’t say for sure how long we stayed like that. The stars spun slowly around us, and the moon had begun to descend.

Her ears pinned flat to her head as I took her hand. “That feels nice.” She admitted after a while. She pulled away a little, rolled over, to face me. Her hand reached up, slow, tentative. Fingertips brushing against my cheek as if she were afraid of doing so. But when I smiled, my hand reaching back, reciprocating that touch, she seemed to relax again.

“You’re right… I don’t need you to do anything else.” She said, quietly. “I’ve been selfish, haven’t I?” She asked, as she snuggled in closer to me. “I’ve been so absorbed in everything from before…”

“I can’t say anything. Even I get lost in old news sometimes.” I said, shaking my head. “And mine isn’t even that bad. Trust me, I know how easy I’ve had it.”

“Not a competition. I’m here for you, too. If you want to talk about it. Okay?” She asked, inching a little closer to me. “It’s the least I could do for a friend, after all.” She added, her nose brushing against mine. “And besides… I like being close to you, I think. You’re… you have a soothing aura. An honest one.”

That brush of contact, for just a moment, I felt … as though there were a tremor in my heart, my feelings. I pulled her close. I didn’t realize I had, until I felt her drape a leg over me as I kissed her.

We lingered like that, for a long time, holding one another, warm and contented. I kissed her, she kissed me back, and for the longest time, we held each other, her head resting on my chest, listening to my heart.

“What does Belle think?” She asked after a while, her fingers entwined with mine, head resting still against my chest. One finger tapped idly along with my heartbeat. “I think Gwen would miss me.” She said, in quiet resignation. “I want to go with you, and Helena. I do. But…”

“She’s family. I understand.” I said, running my hand gently over her head. “You’re welcome to come with me, if you choose. I think we could both be something special for each other. I know Helena will miss you, even if she doesn’t want to admit it. But I also know that’s not an easy choice.”

“I’m going to miss her, too. It’s hard, because she’s family, too.” Annabelle replied, quietly. “I know we argue a lot, but she’s closer to me than Gwen is. Nobody knows me better.”

“Then talk to Gwen. See what she thinks.” I said, as I squeezed Annabelle close. “There’s no reason to decide anything without really talking to everyone about it. We’re your friends, we just want you to be happy.”

“I think… no matter what happens, for the first time in years… I will be. Thanks to you.” She replied, nuzzling into me and kissing my neck. “The next time I get you alone… it’s going to be only because I want to. Only because I’m ready to. So… you’ll take responsibility for it, won’t you?” She asked, squeezing my hand gently.

“Only if you promise it won’t be the last time.” I replied, my hand on her jaw, guiding her up to kiss me once more. “I’ll be looking forward to the day you can look me in the eyes and be absolutely sure it’s what you want.”

“Trust me, so will I.” Annabelle replied, between kisses, finally settling back to curl up in my arms.

We slept that way until dawn. Nobody disturbed us, and as she woke me, she took my hands once more, met my eyes, and smiled, genuine, heartfelt. The biggest smile I’d ever seen her give.

She helped me to my feet, and brushed stray strands of hair from my face. For a long time, just stared into my eyes, framing my vision with her hands on my cheeks. Finally, she smiled, and brushed her nose to mine, before stepping away, her hands clasped behind her back, swaying a little from side to side.

“I’ll take your advice, and talk to Gwen. I still don’t know what I’m going to do, but… I think you’re at least making more sense than I am right now. No matter what happens though… please don’t forget about me. Please come back to me, because… I’ll be waiting for you.” She wrapped her arms around me, held me tight. “Just like you do for me; I want to be someone you can rely on, too.”

With that, before I could offer any kind of reply, she turned to leave, jogging up to the trail, and making her way back towards the ranger’s cabin.

I waited a bit, watched the sun rise on the surface of the water before I headed back to the tent. Helena was waiting for me inside, and sniffed at me as I zipped up the tent flap.

“I.. you … didn’t?” She asked, incredulous and obviously relieved.

“No. What kind of man do you think I am? You told me to look after her, so I did. That’s all.” I replied, reaching down to run my hand over her head.

“But you wanted to, right? I mean… even I know she’s a pretty girl.” She admitted, still bewildered by the realization.

“Not like that. Her heart’s in tatters, Helena. She needed something different.” I said, stretching and laying down in the slowly stirring pile of cuddles and snuggles waiting for me. “She needs someone who loves her, and thinks about her feelings, too.”

Helena nodded at that, and curled up at my feet. “You… I… thank you.”

It didn’t surprise me that I was able to go back to sleep, but I was a little surprised that they all let me sleep in. Didn’t stir me, didn’t even seem to move. We all just cuddled, until I was ready to face the day. Nobody seemed to mind it was well past noon by the time it happened.

The truth was, I needed time to think about it, too. About what I was doing, as a trainer, as their friend and partner. I was grateful when they all listened to me later on. When I gathered my team together, for a much needed heart to heart.

“I’ve seen a lot of things.” I said, as I looked to each of them in turn. “I’ve heard a lot of things since I’ve been here that have been hard to hear. Hard to know.” Helena looked away at that, but didn’t pull away when I reached out to brush her cheek.

“I need to ask you, each of you… are you happy with how things are? With what we share? With how I treat you?” It seemed like a stupid set of questions, but I felt even worse for only just lately thinking to ask them.

Mira spoke up first. “The only thing I don’t like is how quick you are to try and carry things alone. I’m your friend. Your beloved. Have some faith in me.” She said, crossing the distance, and wrapping me up in her ribbons. “You’ve been worried about this for a while, haven’t you? You could have asked me, sooner. I love you. I love what we share.”

Cocoa moved in behind her. “Yer as stubborn as they come, ain’t ya?” She asked, swatting my thigh playfully as she sat beside me. “Quit askin’ us to letcha suffer without us. We’re a family, an’ that means thick ‘n ‘thin. We ain’t gonna leave ya.”

Claire smiled, and pushed Tempest forward first. “Go on, you stubborn bitch. Show him how you really feel.” She goaded, though she followed close behind.

Tempest reached up to her chest, and drew one claw across it, slowly. Blood staining her fur as she looked at me. She took my hand, to the wound she’d given herself, and dipped my fingertips in the crimson. “You are my mate. To the last drop, it is yours. You’ve shown me, shown all of us that you feel the same. Stop being afraid of hurting us. That hurts us more than anything.”

Claire tugged at Penance’s fur, forcing her to the fore next. “Go on. I can wait. You need this, right?” She asked, as Penance nodded, thanking her in a quiet voice.

“You… know I’d do anything for you, right?” She asked, sitting in front of me. She dwarfed me now, and her paw on my shoulder was almost enough to push me over. “I know that might not mean much, I know I’m not the only one. But it’s still true. You don’t have to be afraid. Not with me. Not ever. I’ll always protect you, and I’ll always be here for you.”

Claire looked to Helena, last. The pair shared a long moment, before the absol muttered under her breath. “Fucker… Fine.” She sighed as she put her paw on my thigh. “Stop fucking moping.” She scolded me, nudging me hard with her horn. “You didn’t hurt Annabelle, you didn’t hurt me, you haven’t hurt them. Yeah, you wonder why none of them said a word about fuckin’? ‘Cause it didn’t occur to them that’s what you meant. So you like to fuck. That’s a bad thing? Just fuckin’... keep bein’ considerate about it, and I won’t have shit to say. Got it?”

Claire laughed at that, and finally reached out to take my hand, which I had no say in, as Mira lifted it up to her with her ribbons. “Actually, you could stand to be a little less considerate about me. It’s been too long since we’ve really had fun, and I miss it. You’re busy, you have so many girls now, don’t you? And you still find time for others. What about me? Let’s go make a mess today, okay?”

Cocoa laughed at that, swatting Claire’s ass as she offered me a wink, and I nodded mutely. A few long moments passed as I gathered my thoughts, found my words, my own feelings.

“Thank you. All of you. I’m sorry, it must se-” Helena interrupted me, swatting me across the shoulder with her paw, though she spared me her heavy claws.

“Apologize again, and I’m going to have a real problem. Understand? You keep saying shit about how we’re family, but you’re obviously the only one that hasn’t figured it out yet. You. Are. Fucking. Fine.” She scolded, closing the distance to get in my face.

Tempest laughed aloud at that, and swatted my other shoulder. “Oh, I like her. And. She’s right. You want us to be family? You have to trust us, too. We’re with you because we want to be with you. We’re going to stay with you because it’s where we belong. We don’t want your apologies. We just want you to trust us.”

Properly chastised, I couldn’t do anything more than offer a helpless little smile, and draw them all in for a hug.

I was grateful I had them, perhaps especially Helena at the moment, to keep me from fixating on problems that didn’t exist, and make me aware of the ones I was creating, myself.