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_ On The Eleventh Day of Yiffmas, Jakealope Wrote For Thee..._

Eleven Yippers Yipping

This was really getting out of control.

Messes everywhere. Valuables destroyed or missing. And the scent in the air was... less than pleasant.

All because of kobolds.

Kobolds were supposed to be easy! Kobolds were meant to mindlessly serve dragons like Vander. He'd been doing so well, too! Starting out with a few, keeping them in check, then adding a few more... and a few more... and a few more... And suddenly, Vander had flown too close to the sun. Apparently, one kobold short of a dozen was the tipping point. Overnight, he'd lost control--completely lost control.

"Stop running with that, you little--!" But as quick as Vander was, kobolds were quicker. And squirmier. They were practically like jelly slipping through his paws. And whenever he did catch one of the tiny perpetrators, he couldn't fashion a stronghold capable of containing them. They clawed their way through doorways, clamored over walls, shimmied through the tiniest of cracks.

Why had they stopped listening to him?

He tried to command them. He tried to make them yield. They were supposed to listen. They were supposed to serve!

"Damnit! Not the chinaware!"

CRASH!

Too late. "Get back here you miscreants!"

Vander, while sweeping up the pieces of his priceless collection, pondered once again where he'd gone wrong. It all came back to the advice that'd got him into this mess.

Yip Yap! Understanding Your Fellow Kobold.

That dreaded guide had tricked him. It filled his head with tantalizing thoughts, painting pictures of a home filled with devoted kobolds, ready to serve their master in every possible way. It was that guide's fault, not Vander's! They should be the one cleaning up this mess!

That was it.

Vander flipped to the end of the guide. There, in the middle of the page. The publisher's contact information. For the first time in the last seven hours, the dragon had something to smile about.

"Thank you for calling Halos' publishing. How may I help you today?"

This certainly wasn't the voice of another drake. "I'd like to speak with Mr. Halos," Vander answered.

"May I ask who's calling?"

"A very irate customer."

"Okay... and what exactly is the problem you're having?"

"I said I wanted to speak with Mr. Halos, but if you must know, I have some qualms about his kobold guide. In particular, with the section on hoards."

"Okay..." Vander heard quiet tapping of a keyboard in the background. "Does this pertain to the hoard you currently have, or lack thereof?"

"Who am I speaking to?" Vander asked instead, annoyed with all the questions. Plus, he'd just heard another expensive sounding crash from somewhere nearby. He wasn't looking to waste time at the front desk clerk!

"I am Mr. Halos... personal assistant."

Personal Assistant? thought Vander. "You're a kobold?"

"Yessir."

"Oh, fantastic! Another kobold is the last thing I need!"

"...I'm assuming that means you're calling about troubles concerning your current hoard, is that correct?"

"Yes! Yes I am!"

"Patience sir. I've been trained by Mr. Halos to handle this job with the upmost proficiency. You can rest assured I will do everything in my power to satisfy your needs."

"Well, you'd be the only one today! I've got eleven other kobolds rampaging about my home as we speak!"

"Ah--so it's a hoard out of control. Not to worry, these things happen all the time."

"Because of your master's flawed guide."

"I understand that you're upset with Mr. Halos, but the guide clearly states the necessary actions for expanding one's hoard." The kobold paused again, tapping away at his computer. Click, click, click. "Did you read the chapter carefully?"

"Did I read?... of course I read the chapter carefully!"

"Then you'd understand that hoards are to be handled with upmost care. Otherwise you end up with this situation."

Vander growled into the phone's mic. "Are you saying I'm doing a mediocre job caring for my kobolds?"

"Prove me wrong."

"What?"

"Prove me wrong," the kobold repeated. "Tell me how you care for your kobolds, in detail."

"Okay. In the morning, I have them tend to my needs and prepare my breakfast. This is followed by my divvying of chores for them to complete. I would leave for the day, arriving back at noon to a prepared lunch, then again leaving until dinnertime. After eating, I'd take my hoard to the bedroom, hot tub, or whatever I'm in the mood for. Once we're finished playing around, I have them washed up and sent to their respective chambers."

"Is that all?"

"More or less," Vander said. "Sometimes I might indulge in a day with my kobolds. I ensure that every one of them has an equal share of my attention."

"An equal share of nothing is still nothing. That would certainly lead to an unsatisfied hoard," the kobold stated, matter-of-factly.

"What about that was unsatisfactory?"

"Let me run through the list. Leaving for a large portion of the day, on most days. Ordering to sleep separately from their master. Perhaps not tending to their needs. How often are they ejaculating per day?"

"Uhm... e-enough, I'd assume! As much as I do!"

"Mmm. Not enough, then. Definitely not." More insufferable typing, and then the kobold said, "Most likely they are searching for other avenues of pleasure, namely amongst themselves. This leads to the master losing reins over his or her hoard. Additionally, when a kobold's libido is left wanting, they tend to lash out; this includes ignoring or half-completing commands, destruction of property, fighting amongst other kobolds..."

"And the fix is?"

"The fix is to not be such a shite guardian--pardon the language."

"But..." Vander attempted to clear his throat with some success. Not every day that a kobold talks down to a dragon. "But what does that mean? I am doing all that I can! What more can I do?"

"Well, it's mostly knowing one's limits, and it appears you've overstepped yours. There is a thing as too many kobolds. Never once does the guide state that you can keep going, or that the sky is the limit. You have to be a judge of what your maximum capacity is."

"What do you mean there is a max--"

The kobold continued through Vander's interruption, "Furthermore, you need to understand that kobolds are very social creatures. Keeping them in a separate room is a no-no. They need your warmth, your scent, your touch. This will help affirm you as their master. If you're upset at them being that close to you--"

"They kept waking me in the middle of the night, sucking or licking on some part of my body! It was nice, but it started happening so often that I couldn't get enough sleep!"

"Then you need to discipline them, or get some sleeping aid. They do make dragon-strength melatonin tablets."

"So... I need to reduce my hoard?"

"Unless you can greatly improve their quality of life under your care, then yes. Currently, I--" The kobold coughed roughly. "I believe my master cares for twenty-one kobolds in total, but that is only because he is always at home, always tending to his hoard, and always ensuring every kobold is perfectly content--not to mention that he is incredibly handsome and wise beyond his years."

"Okay... reduce my hoard. I suppose I can do that... I have siblings that wouldn't mind a kobold or two. But what about right now? What do I do to get them in order?"

"Depends on how long you've let this get out of control."

"Well, they've been off the rails since this morning."

"Not bad at all, then." The kobold hummed on the other end of the line, considering their next words carefully. "Could you put me on speaker with your most well-behaved kobold?"

"Certainly... let's see. Plum! Plum! Over here, now. Yes, good. That's it..." Vander patted the plum-colored kobold, aptly named Plum, on top of his scaled head. "I have someone who'd like to speak with you. This is important, Plum, so listen carefully."

"Hello? Plum? Can you hear me?" said the kobold over the phone speaker.

"Yip!"

"Good. Ahem--Yip! Yip yip, yap yip yip, yap yap yip yap yip, yip! Yip, yip yap yip yip..."

"Yip yip. Yap!" yipped Plum, leaning closer to the phone.

Vander was equally perplexed as he was amazed. Something seemed to be clicking between the Plum and the Author's kobold assistant. Vander didn't understand a lick of what that something was, and could only hope it was something that would reverse his overzealous errors.

"...Yip! Yip yap yip. Yip--Yap!"

"Yip!"

"Okay--sir, are you still there?"

"Yes, I am. My name is Vander, by the way."

"Fantastic. Mr. Vander, please allow your kobold there to round up the others, and be prepared to spend the night remedying on your past mistakes."

"...remedying how?"

"Oh, what I mean is that you'll be involved in a several hour-long kobold orgy. I'd suggest Viagra--you know, to keep it up. The extra-strength stuff, if possible. And some energy drinks, lube... oh, and some kobold-nip, if you have that."

"Yes, I-I do," Vander squeaked out. A several hour-long orgy? "I can do most of that, I think."

"Hopefully so! Best of luck to your upcoming endeavors, Mr. Vander!"

With that, the kobold hung up on Vander, leaving him alone with the little one named Plum. He stared down at his most loyal servant, who also happened to have the skill of staring in two directions at once.

"Oh, I'm in danger..." Vander muttered to himself.

"Yip!"

"I hope you know what to do to fix this, Plum."

"...err... Yip?"

"Whatever it takes, I just want this--" the dragon pointed to all the destruction across the main hall. "--to be taken care of. Go on, round up the rest... I'll, uhm. I'll be in my chambers."

Plum yapped once in confirmation before scampering away towards the nearest ruckus. If whatever Mr. Halos' assistant had told his Plum didn't work, maybe he'd have to pay Mr. Halos a personal visit to chew him out in person, and chew on a kobold-sized snack while he did so.

Into his bedroom chambers, luckily locked behind a door solid enough to keep out the rampaging critters, Vander flopped onto his pile of soft things. The warmth of his bedding relaxed muscles that would've been otherwise cared for by his hoard. His whole body felt touch-starved, more than he cared to admit to himself. One day without their hospitality was apparently enough to break down the young dragon's resolve.

Maybe he'd been the problem after all.

Before this mess, Vander would've considered himself an adequate master--more than adequate. Had he misinterpreted that all along? Maybe the author's assistant was spot on; maybe what was enough for him was not enough for the kobolds. He'd been selfish. He'd gotten his needs met, then ignored their needs in return.

And that ashamed Vander.

"How could I have been so blind?"

Vander pawed anxiously at the bedding. Would he be forgiven for his misguided actions? The dragon knew he could do better. He would stay at home more often. He would allow them to sleep at his side. He would ensure every kobold was the happiest kobold under his care.

A knock on the door startled him.

"Come in!" he announced, stilling his fidgeting wings as he did so.

The door's lower, kobold-sized knob rotated, and the door swung open against the force of a small flock of gangly lizards. Five... seven... ten... and eleven, in the very back. All eleven of his kobolds were rounded up, and at the very front of the disorderly line was Plum. Somehow he'd done the impossible. They were all here.

"Good, everyone is here... Alright. I have something to share with you all."

Vander cleared his throat. He would not get emotional. He would not get emotional...

"Please know this is not easy for me to say... It has come to my knowledge that I have been a... less than satisfactory caretaker. As your master, I except your undying loyalty. As my hoard, you expect my careful leadership. And that is where I must say... I have failed all of you."

Do not get emotional.

"I... I have been careless of our companionship. I have been averting my responsibilities. Most of all, I have been unfaithful to my duties as your master."

Don't...

"I..."

DO NOT!

"I'm sorry... I just... I need a moment."

Vander picked up the nearest blanket and held it to his watery eyes. No way for a dragon to act in front of his hoard. What would they think of him? Weak? Pathetic? Hardly a dragon at all, incapable of caring for his servants, just as he was incapable of realizing he was doing so.

"Yip!"

Vander looked back at his kobolds, and two steps closer was his dearest Plum. The very first kobold of his hoard.

Plum stared into the eyes of his master while yapping clearly for all of the hoard to hear, "Yap yip... yip yap yap, yip. Yip yap, yap..."

Plum circled around to face his brothers and sisters. "Yip Yip. Yap Yip. Yap Yap Yip Yap!"

"..."

"...Yip."

"Yip!"

"Yap!"

"Yip! Yap!"

The crowd began to chant together, following dear Plum's lead, and they filled the room with a rallying chorus that warmed Vander's heart to hear.

"Oh, dear Plum. My little bean." Vander lowered his head towards the kobold in front. "I'm sure whatever you said must've been very touching."

The narrator wants to note that what Plum said was not touching at all. The rough translation of Plum's "heroic" speech goes as follows:

"We want to fuck... You no fuck us, we mad. You fuck us, we happy..." Plum circled around to face his brothers and sisters, "He sorry! He want us to be happy! He fuck us until we happy again!"

Plum yipped his gratitude. Hopping up to Vander's snout, nearly as large as the kobold's torso, he wrapped his arms around the dragon's leathery nose. Another few kobolds joined the first, and in short order, Vander's muzzle was completely hidden under eleven various colored bodies.

"Alright! Alright! I can hardly breathe!" Vander grumbled, pushing off and away from their grabby paws. "And I know someone was attempting to hump my face. Which one of you horny lizards are at fault?"

Their heads darted around at one another, yipping quietly amongst themselves until one golden, crested-brow kobold named Pineapple, was singled out from the crowd. As the guilty party stepped forward, you could see their arousal standing at attention between their legs; Vander now knew what had been prodding between his lips in the cuddle pile.

"Hmm... I suppose if you're that much in a hurry..."

Vander plucked up Pineapple in his forepaw and, once he'd settled back on his haunches, dropped the golden scales between his legs. Not wasting any time, Vander set one digit against the little kobold's back, shoving their body further underneath his rear.

Vander didn't need to ask the kobold what to do next. Already there was plenty of rubbing and kissing and licking going on down below. Pineapple was well aware of his duty to his master, and more than willing to fulfill those duties to the fullest.

"And for the rest of you... I am waiting."

Scampering of claws against rock were soon silenced by the gathering of his kobolds on the bedding all around them. They scattered about his body, looking for the best chance of pleasing their master. Some ducked under his rump to join Pineapple. Others found solace in the dragon's massive paw pads. And others were more daring to scale up his frame to hang from various appendages on his head.

With everyone for the most part situated, Vander slid his forepaws forwards, lowering his belly back onto the bedding. This trapped several kobolds underneath him, preventing any attempt of escape. Of course they weren't worried about escaping. Their attention seemed more focused on his puckered tailhole, or on the nearby swelling spire.

Vander hummed his contentment. This was more like it. Tiny hands and mouths collectively working to satiate Vander's massive ego. Every kneading effort was appreciated by the dragon as much as they appreciated his magnificence--but there was still his end of the bargain he had to uphold.

His first target unknowingly made themselves available to him: petite, precious Plum.

The kobold had been caring for his front-left paw--while also being halfway stuck underneath it--and so it made catching the little guy by his tail incredibly easy. One quick trip up to Vander's snout, and the small lizard's eyes were locked with his larger, azure-blue irises. Plum stuck out a tiny bit of his tongue and curled his limbs into his chest, knowing exactly what was to come.

Vander licked his lips once, then popped the kobold-snack into his mouth. One quick movement left only Plum's rear end and tail outside the dragon's cavernous maw, until that was slurped in, too. Plum vanished from the outside world, his body sentenced to a hot, fleshy confinement with no means of light or escape.

Vander enjoyed a few passes of his tongue across Plum's chest; not exactly plum-flavored, but still equally appetizing. It was only natural for dragon's to find their miniaturized brethren delightfully delicious.

There was some movement going on inside his enclosed jaws. Tiny kicks and shoves against the probing muscle, all ineffectual and trivial. But the kobold was only doing so playfully. Plum was more than happy to be a piece of candy to suck on, and there was a shared pleasure from the experience; Vander knew exactly what was poking from between the kobold's legs.

Plum's shoves and kicks devolved into unashamed humping of the dragon's tongue. Vander hummed his satisfaction in return. It was his prized maneuver; a trivial amount licking and sucking at the kobold's exposed privates, and a tiny, salty treat as a reward afterward.

Plum wasn't looking to make this an endurance test. He came just as quickly as he started. Thrusting into the pink flesh that undulated below his body, surrounded by the damp walls of his master's maw, caked in the breath and saliva of the superior drakken, it was too easy to push the kobold past his edge. Plum was packing plenty to release, too, painting his master's tongue with several healthy spurts of kobold jizz.

To Vander, it was almost imperceptible, if not for the striking taste. As soon as the kobold was finished spasming, Vander clamped down, tilted his head back, and swallowed all the built-up drool down into his gullet.

All it would take was Vander losing the grip he had on Plum, and he'd be dragon-chow. After that, the remainder of the kobold's existence would be set in stone; a quick churning in his stomach, a filthy descent down his intestines, and a forgetful dump in the nearby forest. That'd be the end of Plum, but that's not what Vander desired of his fate. Plum was spared a trip down into that churning abyss.

Vander spat the spit-soaked kobold into his upturned forepaw. Plum laid in his master's paw with a mixture of contentment and exhaustion written on his snout. His tiny tail was whipping back and forth, so there was no doubting this kobold was a satisfied customer.

Vander smiled at his loyal minion, happy to see that Plum was happy. The dragon had righted his first wrong.

Only ten more to go...