"BLEU" Part Four
Finally into the light, one musters the courage to find help. He took an attempt and it gave a slight sense of relief, but it wasn't enough until he finally approached the one that understood him the most. He overcame his restraints, and found his voice. However, it came like an uncontrolled flood due to years of supression, completely breaking down his composure. An embrace from the one he loved the most, calmed the flood. An advice was given, and he continued closer to the answer of this struggle. (6530 words).
https://tradeshowbestpractices.com/2017/08/03/color-psychology-meaning-colors-traits/
As usual, use this reference above as a reference to understand the colours used.
"BLEU" PART 4
INTO THE YELLOW LIGHT OF THE CORRIDOR…
Even the light felt different. This bright light had always caused me discomfort, but now there was a sense of… relief…? I felt another familiar sense… something lifted off in my heart again… The feeling was getting clearer…
LET'S GO.
I did not pay any attention to that. My left foot moved on its own.
I CAN DO THIS.
The right foot followed after, and the darkness behind the doorway was left behind.
DON'T BE AFRAID.
The left foot moved again, bringing the rest of my weight with it.
I CAN FINALLY GET HELP.
The right foot repeated again. It felt natural.
THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO HIDE BEHIND.
Left, right, left, right……
TIME TO FACE REALITY.
The same sensation is getting stronger with every step…
TIME TO FACE THEM.
Every step was getting lighter.
I AM GETTING CLOSER.
My eyes felt a light that pushed the eyelids apart.
I WILL TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
I went to the bathroom to do a facewash, and it was more refreshing than normal. It seemed to have wiped a dense atmosphere off my face. I left the bathroom and turned off the light… Wait I turned off the light… I don't usually even bother to the turn the light on. I did not even look at the mirror this time… I just moved on and took the stairs down…
Below was quiet. Nobody was around… hold on… one of my siblings was in her room. I walked past her half-opened room door earlier... It's ok. Let me get refreshments. I opened the fridge door, which felt lighter too. No matter. Grabbed a jug and filled my cup with an ice-cold beverage, before gulping them down in quick succession. My parched throat was cleared, along with my head.
LET'S GO.
I WILL TALK TO HER.
This thought moved my weight back up the stairs. The weight of my body felt different. Something was trickling in my heart, like a hole in a bag of sand. However, there was a sense of unease and intensity, the higher I went…
Upon reaching the top, I turned to the door of her room. There seemed to be many invisible barriers between the door and myself. I paused there for a moment, as the unease and intensity kept building…
LET IT FREE.
COME ON, COURAGE.
JUST DO IT.
My mouth moved, like an unoiled machine neglected for years. The barriers in front of me didn't even catch my attention anymore. I moved forward slightly, breaking through them like the thinnest plastic membranes possible. They just vanished into thin air.
“Are you free now? I have something to talk with you."
The figure inside the room on the bed looked up towards my direction. After pausing for a second, she hopped off from her comfort and walked to me. She asked me a question, and I quickly understood her intent. She was curious.
“Would you mind to come to my room?"
With a shudder followed by a reply, she agreed. I told her to leave the light off, and I closed the door. She was fine with this, because she came to me once for a talk in this situation before… But she was the one who approached me back then…
Time seemed to slow for a moment… Why did she approach me? I quickly recalled the memories with crystal clarity. She approached me because she was facing personal issues with a stalker online. The stalker was envious of her game achievements, and tried to take her friends away by spreading rumours.
Now that makes sense. She approached me because she faced difficulties that couldn't be solved herself. Now I understood the feeling I'm experiencing… But… that was me receiving her request? This is different… She's now receiving my request… wait… was it all that different?
THEY ARE THE SAME.
NO. NOs started to echo in my head again. This irritating noise was coming back again… Nononononono…….
“WHAT YOU DO WANT TO TELL ME?"
All the NOs were gone. Time sped up to normal speeds again. I noticed that I had stopped in my tracks, standing in the middle of the room like an idiot. I made a stutter, and told her to take a comfortable seat first. She just sat down in my bed while looking at her phone, and I took the study chair. The computer screen behind me casted an illumination on everything but my own face, while my sibling appeared as a figure in the dim light with her face illuminated by her phone's glare.
Everything was the same as the previous encounter. The difference was, this time she's the receiver, not me. I was the one looking at my phone, and she was staring at me. I tried to move my mouth, but something seem to have denied my voice again. Time seemed to slow again, and the same question came back to me…
Was it all that different?
Nooooooooooooo……
…
…
…
LET IT FREE, THERE'S NO NEED TO HOLD BACK.
Enough. That was enough. The Nos were silenced quickly. My mouth could move again. Time returned to its normal pacing again. I just released my thoughts about my current condition.
“I have not been doing good recently."
One sentence. My lips became lighter. Now I knew what the lightening sensation was. It was the burden in my heart lifting off. The thought came as a flash, without causing a stutter in my thoughts.
Another sentence. This one felt lighter than the last. It felt that time was speeding up. Another burden lifted.
Another. And another. And another. It just kept going. My sibling's eyes opened wider, with a reflection of light from the computer screen. She put down her phone.
Time was flowing faster. More sentences. The sentences were getting longer and clearer. The burden in my heart were starting to fall off like water droplets.
Speaking of water droplets… Wait… why water droplets… forget about it… but why… my eyes are starting to feel a discomfort. My eyelids started to feel wobbly and slight heavy. My hand instinctively reached for them…
“Wait."
The feelings were halted, and time slowed back down again.
“You are going through this now?"
“Again, like last time?"
“Why didn't you tell anyone earlier?"
My eyes opened. The feelings stopped. Deep down… A thought surfaced.
This phrase was very familiar. Very similar. Very similar to...
My sibling interrupted my thoughts, snapping me out of it. My eyes were now wide open.
She let out a sigh. And continued:
“Ugh… I'm just not the best in dealing with this. I don't run into this problem that often like you. You making a profile in that group? I have heard of that community before, but never anything really bad about it. They can be slightly weird for me, but I don't see any problem with that? I also have my own groups. I also look at weird stuff… sometimes… You know… we are not young like last time. But why are you thinking so much on it? You sound abit crazy to be so scared of something new… You are weird sometimes."
Cogs started turning in my head, the burden seemed to have liquified and started dripping slowly again. She continued speaking, but this time my thoughts did not halt.
“Uhm… I'm just not good in dealing with this like you did with that issue I had the other night… You talked better than Dad… that idiot will never understand this type of stuff… Not like Mom… Wait, why don't you look for her? She should have finished laundry downstairs. Maybe she's showering."
“AYE ******, WHERE ARE YOU?"
A shout from outside caused both of us to flinch. Everyone living in this house knew who that was. Suddenly the door of my room opened, and the yellow light from outside invaded my room. A figure stood at the doorway. When both of us turned to the figure, a surprised voice sounded.
“******? Why are you here? You are not in your room? Why are you here? What are you doing in your brother's room? “
As my eyes adjusted to the light, and I looked up at figure, but my mouth was locked.
“Oh, I was just talking to ******. Nothing much."
“Oh ok, I was wanting to ask where did you put that bread recipe. We're going to try making that one tomorrow. I need to go and dress up first. Won't disturb you both."
The figure disappeared behind the closing door, and the yellow light faded back into the dim grey levels of my room again. There was a silence, but it was quickly broken.
“Yep, she just finished her shower. I got to go. You should go talk with her."
My sibling picked up her phone and put her earphones on, and stood up from her comfortable position on my bed. The bed creaked as it sprung back to its original shape. She quickly walked to the door and opened it, before slipping through the gap and closing the door again. All happening in a really short time. Or was it even short…? The yellow light outside was brief. As if time sped up again.
I was once again shrouded by darkness. But this time my face was away from the white glare behind me. Deep down I felt different, like how the illumination's now casted upon me from a different direction.
A sense of relief. But something was missing. Something was incomplete. I could still hear a noise in the background threatening to bring the NOs back. Did I really spill everything out? I still had the drive to tell someone. It felt like a pull I had which drew me into the fantasy stories, but with a different intent. And this was no longer happening in the dark place. Was that… enough?
NO.
This NO sounded different. It had the same tone and sensation like all the recent ones. Was it one of the first? Or?
GO ON. LOOK FOR THE TRUTH. IT'S NOT OVER. THERE'S MORE TO TALK ABOUT. YOU CAN GET HELP. YOU CAN FINALLY ESCAPE. THE LIGHT'S CLOSE. THE ANSWER'S CLOSE. THE EXIT'S CLOSE. THE PERSON'S CLOSE. REMEMBER.
I shuddered. This gave me a surprise and left behind a slight confusion. Was I talking to myself? This familiar sense… Was it myself all along?
…
…
…
“WHY DON'T YOU LOOK FOR HER?"
That suddenly snapped something in my head. It was sharp, as if a crack of white had appeared in my depths. Was it even white? It was definitely not white. But I can't seem to recognise the colour… It felt familiar, but distant too…
ESCAPE. YOU CAN DO IT LIKE MANY TIMES BEFORE.
Another snap in the depths. Another crack. This suddenly brought a bunch of flashbacks into my head. How did I escape my previous mental difficulties?
YOU ALREADY KNEW HOW TO DO IT.
Another snap with another crack. All the flashbacks of my memories, when I gathered enough courage to overcome my limitations to finally move on.
YOU JUST NEED TO DO IT.
Multiple cracks started to connect with each other. Light started to peek through the spider web of fractures in this vast depth. The flashbacks exploded into light that briefly lit my depths.
REMEMBER. REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE ****** *** ** ***. THIS IS LIFE. YOU HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE. YOU CAN DO THIS AGAIN. YOU JUST NEED TO MOVE FORWARD. YOU WILL PULL THROUGH. YOU WILL SURVIVE. YOU WILL FIND A WAY OUT. YOU WILL SEEK. YOU WILL SEEK THE TRUTH. YOU FIND THE TRUTH. YOU WILL FIND THE ANSWER. YOU WILL FINALLY FIND FREEDOM. YOU CAN FINALLY FIND RELIEF. YOU CAN FINALLY TALK AGAIN. YOU CAN FINALLY ENTER THE LIGHT AGAIN. YOU CAN FINALLY BE YOURSELF AGAIN.
REMEMBER…
SLAM!
A loud slam snapped me out of the thought. That was the door of the opposite room outside mine, closing with the all too familiar slam. I turned around to my computer screen to look at the time, and only a few minutes had passed. Was I talking to myself? No… It was myself all along… No… I need to go and look for her…
This time, I moved by myself. I was drawn to the leaving footsteps. I opened the door into the yellow light again. My attention was focused this time. Nothing caused my attention to falter. The familiar figure was beside the staircase, hanging the towels her towels to dry.
Nothing stopped me now. My mouth move, as natural if it could get…
“Are you free now? I… I have something to talk about… I feel like doing it in my room… Outside here just doesn't feel right… Later Dad will hear us again and start shouting due to noise again."
The figure paused and looked at me, before finishing her action of hanging her towels on the wooden hanging rack.
“Sure, why not?"
…
…
…
The door closed behind us, back into the dimly lit room. She had some annoyance to the darkness, but ultimately sat down on the bed like my Sis did before. I took the same position on the chair again, with the illumination behind me. We looked face to face…
Only for a split second. Time did not seem to wait anymore. Something seemed to have fractured in the void of my voice, like a towering dam stricken with irreparable damage. Thoughts did not slow down either, now like a great river. There was a consistent trickle of relief, although not as fast as a moment earlier during my talk with Sis.
All that flow seemed to pool up behind an invisible wall, but only for a moment. The flow quickly broke through the impossibly thin transparent membrane, and my vision quickly turned back to the partially illuminated face in front of me on the opposite of my room. A white reflection was casted off the surface of her glasses as a mild glare into my eyes, but I could still see her neutral and well-aged facial tones.
There were more of these air-thin membranes between us, but they quickly vanished upon my gaze. The flow increased again, washing all every single thought and sensation I have gained with it. My mouth moved and lips parted to the flow, and it went all loose…
Time sped up in an increasing pace with each sentence, much faster than previously. But it felt like it wasn't flowing forwards, it was flowing backwards too. Everything in my head came pouring out with no control: thoughts, sensations, stress, perceptions, self-awareness, concerns, worries, problems, encounters, experiences, remarks, and even my own emptiness…
The figure watched and listened, but there was no answer.
Not that I could be stopped anyway, even if she did. This flow seemed to increase further and faster, increasing exponentially. More fractures in the void appeared and increased at a pace in line with the flow, with the snapping noises quickly joining into constant crackle. It could not be controlled. Time was flowing forth and backwards at speeds that stretched to infinity…
Then it all went…
CRASH.
The void gave way to an explosion that seemingly had no end. The fractures joined into unison, shattering the void into countless fragments that were quickly blasted away by the shockwave behind. The initial contact gave way to a never-ending flood, in many shades of a colour that wasn't white.
The shockwave shook me all the way to the bones, and the flood raged out of the gap with no signs of halting. It seemed to sap away the strength of my body, as I left my seated position and quickly crumpled to the ground. My arms and legs felt infinitely heavier, pulling my stature to the floor. The ground moved forward and closer, as my arms wrapped around my waist and my legs folded halfway onto the knees. Somehow my mouth couldn't stop moving.
A familiar sensation caused my eyes discomfort and my hand instinctively tried to reach for them, while my facial muscles tensed up and wrinkled the overlying skin with it. I somehow attempted to hold it back, but to no avail. The discomfort continued to intensify, and my face was nearly touching the wooden floor surface. Something welled up from the corners of my eyes, and began to leak out… Blood? No. Water? No.
Tears.
The flow now felt like a never-ending volcanic eruption. It blasted an increasingly larger hole in my depths, bringing along fragments of burden with it. Along with this, the depths felt increasingly lighter, but I could simply pay no attention.
There was no pain. No unease. No irritation. No worries. No concerns. No fear. No confusion. No thoughts. Just this constant eruption with an unknown colour and… relief? And another…
Despair?
Why's this so familiar yet distant?
A weight was pressed on my head. Not that I could even react to it. Everything was out of control. I can't stop this… It's just impossible-
“Why do you always get into this type of trouble?"
The eruption fluttered for a moment.
“I thought that you were grown up now, but you still haven't changed?"
The eruption seemed to ease slightly.
“You sure are a problem since young."
A bit more, the noise started to fade.
“Why are you always hiding everything until the last minute?"
The noise died down but the eruption did not end, instead it transformed into a great river.
“YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME EARLIER."
…
Suddenly the great river became quiet, no longer flowing faster than water out of a tap. Time slowed down again.
“Why do you never learn? Why do you never learn from your past? You came back high on spirits after National Service, then went to Uni, then came back looking normal but slightly quieter, then now this? Why are you feeling empty? I know online study is hard, this pandemic is tough for everyone, there's nothing much you can do, but why did you keep everything to yourself? Are you playing your stupid game too much again?"
I managed to move my body again, only slightly. My head and body felt heavy, and all I could manage was a slow shake of my head and a short reply…
“No… It is more than that…"
She quickly replied, full of question with a slight impatience. I could sense the intent clearly this time, while still in this miserable posture.
“More of what? More reasons, excuses like always? Why are you always so undecisive? Can't you make decisions yourself? Can't you act faster instead of waiting all the time to the last minute? Can't you get rid of this procrastination problem of yours? Can you stop hiding everything until the last minute like all your studies over the years from high school? More importantly, can you stop worrying so much about everything? Can you stop thinking so much? Why do you have to always think so much as waste so much time? Can you do more action rather than worrying so much?
Questions, questions and more questions. I'm not facing them, but I could hear them all loud and clear. I knew that covering my ears with my hands won't work. Even if they could, I couldn't move my hands from my waist for anything other than reaching for my face. The river just kept flowing quietly, but with no signs of stopping. The tears just kept coming, leaving small dark puddles on the floor underneath my face.
…
…
…
Talk.
My consciousness talked to myself, and my mouth moved on its own.
“I have been controlling myself too much… I have been holding everything back… I did not want to cause anyone worry… But this control ate me from the inside… I lost everyone around me in Uni… I lost the things I liked to do… I don't have anything I like to do now… I can't do anything I liked anymore… Now I feel empty… I have controlled myself too much… This reservation is killing me… This self-reservation is killing me…
It just went on until fading to silence. The silence was unbearable, with the torrent of tears caused by this great river that seemed to expand until an infinite expanse.
…
Suddenly with a quiet rustle of clothing, a familiar weight and pressure descended upon my crumpled mess. The aged and frail arms were unmistakable. The great river stopped expanding, and 2 seemingly grassy banks arose from opposing sides before moving inwards to contain it. The flow of my tears slowed, but my eyelids grew heavy and closed shut. The sounded again, but calmer than the previous:
“Why can't you just let it go? Stop thinking so much. I cannot help you in this, you have to decide it yourself. I know you aren't as strong minded like I am, but this is something that you have to change yourself. Drop off all these thoughts and burden. Find something that you like to do again. Remember all those things that you loved to do years back? Where are they? They were making you cheerful despite the mess you often make. Watching those cooking channels, cooking your own food? Playing badminton in school? Drawing? You can do other things rather than just facing the stupid screen every day. You chose all this that caused this trouble. I also didn't expect you to still be so rigid after National Service, you Blockhead. Army teaches you good stuff, but not everything is right. You cannot be so dull in society. It's not going to work either. Maybe I'll get you a new table lamp, this darkness is not good for your eyes, and stop denying it. Stop thinking so much and just move on to do something. Let go of all that nonsense. You have to decide it yourself. It's good that you noticed it yourself this time, but I can't help you in everything. Just stop thinking so much."
The weight lifted, and footsteps grew more distant. Like Sis, she went to the door and opened it, before slipping through. But before the light outside faded away, she left a remark:
“Go and think carefully, what do you want to do. Find something that you can enjoy with. Hopefully you have made up your mind by tomorrow. Go and take a shower and go sleep, it's not early already."
The door closed softly, leaving me alone in the room again. The great river had vanished, and my tears ran dry. My heart and body felt much lighter, and my head was clear as a moonless night sky. There was a gaping hole in the depths of my voice where the flood had poured through, with a colour that broke through the black in sharp contrasts. It wasn't white, but I couldn't tell what it was either…
“JUST STOP THINKING SO MUCH."
“JUST STOP THINKING SO MUCH."
“JUST STOP THINKING SO MUCH."
I regained my strength, and lifted my weight off the crumpled posture. Time was ticking normally. I turned around to the left, with the computer's screen illuminating half of my face. The glare did not bother me as I looked at the window, before moving right up to it and peer through it. The sky was clear with no moon, so the stars can be seen arranged neatly in the southern sky within their respective constellations.
Find the stars…
Find something…
Find something to do…
I turned around and sat back on the chair, with my back facing the screen again. I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath…
The dark place again.
NO.
This was my mindscape.
These were my deep thoughts.
The views and scenery were vastly different. I looked up at the sky… or whatever it was called here. Everything was still black, but the in the eastern sky… or how did I guess about it? The moon in a waning crescent. Above it, there was now a group of stars making up a pattern… no… it's a constellation. There's no doubt about it. One of the zodiac constellations. The one that signifies balance, the scales. Libra.
Balance.
There must be a balance in everything, be in right or wrong, dark or light, left or right, day or night, even reality and fantasy. Reality and fantasy… Fantasy was in the minds of people all the time… That's the reality. The truth. The answer.
That means…
I was never completely wrong in the past either. My morals, patience, and effort were never completely right either. I cannot keep working for the sake of others while forsaking myself. I cannot keep thinking about achieving everything myself either. I cannot keep holding back my opinions and decisions for only the most logical and realistic answers. I cannot keep moving forward without giving myself a chance to look back. Nobody can be fully right or wrong. Not even reality or fantasy, nor the past or present.
There can never be peace without chaos. There can never be an answer without a question. There can never be courage without fear. There can never be change without stagnation…
This just went on, but gradually faded away as my head brought up another thought.
Find something to do.
I looked around, and I noticed that the shadows around me moved according to my thoughts. I could somehow influence their movement. They were black, but the moonlight revealed a tinge of another colour… I could somehow see the faint colour on this one…
And even recognise it…
PURPLE.
This was the mindscape, not in reality…?
The shadows danced around like flames, while trying to hide away from the moonlight behind my figure. However, they were seemingly blown by a gentle breeze, coming straight down the path from the sea of chains.
I'M HERE.
A familiar voice echoed softly. It had a similar sensation like the stars behind, but this was coming from the sea of chains. They slowly got clearer within my range of sight as I approached them, revealing their locks and shackles.
Unlike the last time… Was it not too long ago? I felt like day… weeks… months… year… WHATEVER. These obstacles no longer cast their menace on me. They still felt cold, and hard, but my strength managed to lift them without too much effort. I could still hear the annoying “Lock NO-ise" from them, but they sounded like squeaks.
I lifted one chain by the lock, and I could see that they stretch to infinity. There was a keyhole in it, but there was no key… DON'T THINK TOO MUCH. I lifted the stretch up and gave it a tug.
A flashback.
Something I used to do.
YouTube channels. Many stupid videos that I rewatched for no reason. These stupid games, with silly attention grabbers.
Somehow, I could percept the side of reality too. This has never happened; I could do actions here too. I picked up my phone and opened the app. All these subscribed channels and favourited videos… Now I just felt like getting rid of them.
Same with this stupid chain of restraint in the mindscape. At the same time of deleting these favourites and unsubscribing the useless channels, I tugged hard on the chain in the mindscape with the intent to fully uproot it from the seemingly infinite ends. Somehow, I had gained incredible strength in mindscape, and broke the chain along with its lock with a loud crack.
CRASH!!!
The chain exploded with the lock, turning into shadows. These shadows joined those around me, dancing around like little licks of flames. There was a sense of relief, but somewhat expected? Not thinking further, I just looked up to the closest shackle.
This one had a flashback similar to the last, in the form of twitch channels. Annoying Esports games that I watched for no reason. Many more games. Without a second thought I gave this one the same treatment as the other, deleting my useless follows while twisting the shackle in the mindscape with brute force until it breaks. This shackle even squealed like plush toy before breaking with a shockwave, and the whole length of the chain disintegrating into more shadows. Next.
Another one. Army and National service. All that annoying rigidity and dullness. Just… Get… Over… With… It… This one didn't even require any action in the side of reality. I just kicked it so hard with an impact that split the ground apart, breaking it instantly.
Another. All these random websites repeated for no reason. Get lost. Another. Lots of study papers. I just swiped them away so hard that the gust of wind tore the chain to pieces. Another… Another… Another… I don't care anymore. I could suddenly start destroying things here… It's the mindscape anyways… ha-ha…
I grabbed one that was slightly heavier and more resilient. It survived an initial whack from my opened hand. A vision of an enclosed room? I get it… Suppression and isolation… I will counter it with… Expression and communication. Now get lost, thank you. I gathered more strength and the shadows wrapped around my hand, somehow reinforcing it. Without hesitation, I unleashed a whack on it again. The impact was so loud that it shook the surroundings, splitting the chain in half and rattling others nearby. I just continued and tore my way through this mess, deleting every one that got in my way.
I ignored those that weren't in the way, because I was aware what they stood for. My morals, disciplines, and such. These in my way were my excessive thoughts of self-reservation. They needed to go. I found glints of light floating freely within the void, but they weren't within reach. One was even close enough to be viewed, but I was aware of the reality behind it. Badminton. I could not play outside within this period with the pandemic. It will just have to wait for next time. I have a goal now.
Find something to do.
Find something to do within this pandemic…
The path began to shudder, and I could see something large rolling towards me. It was… LARGE. A big “spiky" ball occupying the entire path's width. It was glossy black like metal, with flashes of some colour that gave me the sense of hostility.
WHOA!
It came crashing into me, but I managed to hold it back with both of my arms. It had an ugly grin as a face, which filled me with disgust and annoyance. It was a big monster version of the stupid virus that everyone's familiar with.
“So, it's you? I was expecting you to come, but you sure did have a surprise in your form…! I know what to do with you, I am no longer afraid of you! I have to look at the bright side! I will treat you with respect, but not fear! Now get out of my head!"
The shadows concentrated around my right leg, turning it a black darker than night. I kicked it up like football a penalty kick learned in school. Sending it flying high while crumbling into shadows. The shockwave broke all the remaining chains and shackles blocking my path… Almost all…
The path within the void was clear, but a figure loomed over me. It flickered on with my presence, revealing a broken laptop screen. The W button on the keyboard was missing. There was a figure on the screen along with a smaller one on the corner. Both figures were logos, and they were all too familiar…
ARK: Survival Evolved.
And Discord.
I felt the intensity behind this one. Much more intense than that stupid joke of a monster. This even gave me a sense of hesitation. I knew what was the meaning behind this.
To give up on the game. All my efforts. All my built-up progress. All my achievements. All my prized collections. All my clan. All my mates. All my responsibility. All my 20,435 hours. All my 5 years and 11 months of legacy.
I was hesitant.
…
I AM HERE.
That voice was clearer than the last time I heard it.
A thought in my head sounded:
Everything needs an end. You can still keep this legacy as a vivid memory. The game was already at it's last DLC, and you have finished the story ending. Your clan can move on without you, but you can still keep in touch with your mates as a retiree, same as many of your seniors. The time spent in this will be kept as a bookmark in memory, closing a chapter in life.
IT WAS TRUE. EVERYTHING NEEDS TO HAVE AN END.
As I walked up to the screen and gathered my strength in the mindscape, I went to my computer screen in reality. It was nearly 1AM. I logged out of STEAM and left all the Discord servers containing toxic gaming communities, leaving only my clan's server along with the ARK Official Discord server. Trying to ignore the annoyance of my broken W button, I quickly wrote a note to my clan leader about my retirement and sent it off. He has definitely noticed my lethargy, and he will understand it.
……
Back in the mindscape. I attained a somewhat solemn expression with a deep breath while the shadows wrapped around my fists, acquiring a black shape with the purple tinge. I drew my right fist back along with my body weight, and launched it with all my might that could be mustered. The impact shattered the screen in one blow, creating a shockwave that even rattled my depths.
Behind the shattered remains that were dissolving into shadows, there was a door with a glint of light right in the middle of the path before it. The white scribbled lines that form this path ended on its tip. This object was all too familiar.
The blue mechanical pencil. The same one that accompanied me through my school years. The one I found abandoned in an empty classroom. The one I used to scribble all over my books and paper I could get my hands on. Scribbles… Now I knew where this was coming from. I knew what was behind this door. Everything was coming around. An answer. A revelation. This was a true part of me all along.
Creativity.
Once I picked up the mechanical pencil, all the lines along the path the distance detached from the ground and retracted towards the pencil tip like a measurement tape. It did not retract all the way though, instead it concentrated and transformed into wavy lines resembling those on paper in music class. I could not determine their colour, but it wasn't white at all. From perception, the only thing I could relate them to… was a rainbow. They floated and waved around like sheets lighter than air, radiating an exciting but soothing presence.
Now I turned back at the door. It had the insignia representing my identity online, especially on Discord. With a sigh, I moved and pushed a backfist into a cheek on my face.
…
My face was no longer a soft face, it didn't feel like a proper face. Without spending too much time on thoughts, I moved right up to the insignia. It had a reflective surface, but not as clear as a mirror. I saw the image behind, but I wasn't surprised either.
It was just a blank white face, like a mask. But by this time, I knew the reason why. I'm still empty within. This isn't over. This was just the start. A blank page. I did this before my enlistment into National Service, but back then I didn't know what it meant.
Now I do.
I brushed that thought aside, and took a step back while gathering a posture to finally break my creativity free. It's not the end, life was still going to move on. I still have the goal to recover what I lost. This path I took was a key leading to this. This would be my first act of self-redemption for all I did over the years. The seek for the truth behind everything.
I pivoted on my right leg while focusing the shadows to reinforce my left for a kick. The kick brought all the momentum of my thoughts with it before slamming into the insignia, caving it into the door with an impact that shook the mindscape. I repeated the preparation for a right kick, and the momentum followed through into the impact, sending the door flying inwards.
…
Inside was dark. I could not see anything, but I knew what was going to be inside. I walked in, accompanied the light carried by all the wavy lines behind me. The light penetrated the darkness, with my clear shadow shooting into the infinite void.
I looked forward, with an anticipation to see something in front.
There was a shadowy figure there, covered in chains. Its green eyes glowed dimly in the dark, looking back at me with a clearly shocked expression. It had a fuzzy form, but it was unmistakable. It was always something that I liked since the Scorched Earth DLC on ARK from late 2016.
Long snout and neck, long tail, short horns, pair of legs, pair of wings, but no forelimbs.
A wyvern.
Amusing. I wasn't expecting it to have such a form already.
I walked up to it, and it stood frozen in its position. I knew what to do next, there's no need to explain. The method to free the chains off it. My creativity was expressed through my drawing, through this mechanical pencil. It was the key to free my creativity. It always wanted to get into my drawing.
I held up the mechanical pencil to it, and it hesitantly reach out with a wing claw and touched it. In an instant, the chains and shackles around it vanished into shadows. Leaving its form exposed to my view. It had a fuzzy form with no detail, like a cloud of shadows in the shape of a wyvern. The only visible feature it had was its green eyes, now wide open in surprise.
I gave no hesitation over its features. Words left my mouth through the large gap in my voice before I turned around and walked back to the door.
“You surely have a form already to start with. It has been long enough, let's get out of here. I've noticed your existence and wishes to visit the Physical world. As a thanks for waking me up from my ruin, I will show you the path to the other side."
I approached the door, already thinking what to do next. Maybe go to bed first, it was late already. Or maybe ask Mom for an old book to get started on. Maybe I can use SoFurry to start submissions-
Oh.
I paused my steps for a moment, and I continued talking before continuing my stride.
“What is your name? Mine is Juice."
The end of:
"BLEU" PART 4