FSE

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He was gorgeous.

Easily the hottest man I had ever seen. Sure he wasn't built like a body builder, or even the shortest little cute feminine snack that all the guys at the bar wanted to get, but he was adorable in his own little way. His big chubby belly and jiggly butt, it was like looking at a teddy bear. My own little goo-bear.

He was talking about something, I really wasn't paying attention. I was enraptured by the softness of his body, that smooth skin he put so much effort into. He never really had that much body hair, and when he wanted us to go get laser hair removal just for the fun of it? Weirdest tax return purchase of my life.

His short little fluffy hair with those beautiful brown eyes, his soft little face scrunching up so adorably as he complained about… whatever he was complaining about. God, if I were still me I totally would have pinched his ass by now. Hidden by fabric yet the juiciest peach I've ever seen. I felt that new, yet familiar pressure building between my back legs as a foreign sensation of sliding blubbery flesh grew. Arousal in this new form was different, yet very familiar. It almost made the constant dull ache of pain in my leg lessen, almost.

Then he looked at me, for a moment I was just lost in that face. The adorable look of embarrassment and bashfulness that I loved. Before I realized I had just been caught staring. Worry flashed through my mind, did he think I was like, wanting to eat him? Was he worried that I didn't like what I saw? What should I do? I didn't know if I could blush anymore, but I still felt that heat jump to my cheeks as I ripped my gaze away, even my second pair of eyes tried to look at literally anything else.

If my throat wasn't completely shot at this moment, I would have tried to say sorry or something, but I felt now wasn't the time to start a huge coughing fit. I must have blinked a million times as I silently panicked, my body shifting against the stone with the anxious energy of a teenager about to ask their date out.

“I… I am dressed, Leo." Sammy said behind me.

I carefully looked over, shame still on my face. In the past he was into that kind of watching, but things were different now, so much more different. I didn't know what to do or what to say, or honestly how to feel. Did he even want for me to feel like that? Did he even want to think like that? Was this something that mattered to him?

He didn't stay in the room for much longer than that. Eventually wandering out after yelling at me to stay down and cut up the deer. I watched the blood run across the floor towards a crack in the ground not far away, hopefully somewhere far deeper into the ground to prevent a smell.

He looked so hurt, so confused. God dammit, why couldn't I just help him figure this out? Why was it all so confusing?

I wanted to like this, to try to find some enjoyment in it yet every single action felt like some new reminder that everything was new, and everything was different. I wasn't here to enjoy the ride, just to ride along and hit those nasty rusty bumps. And I couldn't even do that right. I went and hunted the largest deer, for whatever god damn reason, and instead of keeping myself safe. I threw myself into danger for what? An almost worthless amount of food.

I laid out each of the different cuts of meat, leaving the intestines of bits in a pile by the skeleton. I made damn sure not to use my bad arm, and made even more sure that no blood got on it. I didn't want Sammy to be even more mad at me for anything else. However, even with how big this creature was, I eventually ran out of meat to distract myself with. Pushing the rest of the junk off to the side and slamming my head against the ground in a huff.

Why was this so difficult?

I became an elephant dog thing and somehow my problem was meshing with my husband. You'd think that'd be the one thing that'd stay the same. I didn't blame him though. How could I? If I was in his shoes I'd probably have a breakdown too. Not like it mattered though, this forest was going to be our graves soon enough.

A small part of me hoped that whatever sat within those forests was still human minded like me, though the meat stripped corpse of the deer thing off to my side made me hope the opposite. I closed my eyes tight, a dull ringing sat at the back of mind. A droning tone, the auditory reminder of my anxiety. Without looking, I flexed my new paws. They felt so natural, so… normal, yet they were nothing but. They were so big, and bulky, though, at least I had thumbs in some variety.

They were so different, so inhuman, so… so much unlike Sammy's.

Sammy. What were we going to do? I could barely tell him I loved him when he needed to hear so much more. I closed my eyes tight as tears immediately ran down my face. I couldn't stop the deep whine that echoed almost infinitely and mockingly across the cave. A reminder of what I was, what I wasn't, and what I could never be. Who was I now? What was I? Would Sammy want whatever that was?

Would Sammy want me? Would he want me like I wanted him? Would I be enough for him? Or would I be too much? Would I be able to be there for him, or would I not be enough? Was I able to do anything for him? I wasn't able to help him, I couldn't console him, I wasn't even able to speak to him. I was worthless. He had always told me how much he needed me, how much he relied on me to be his guardian and now I couldn't do that. I was just some big stupid dog thing and he was so perfect, and I couldn't help him. Even taking up half of the space in this room, I felt so small. Sammy was so wonderful and I was just so broken.

I froze. A small object made contact with my shoulder, my eyes snapped open to try to get a jump on whatever had touched me, only for my entire body to relax at the sight of Sammy, before tensing immediately back up at the reminder of what had just transpired. He stood there quietly, a strong conflicted look upon his face. “Are… are you okay?" Sammy spoke quietly, his tone sounded worried yet confused. As if he was asking the question to more than just me.

I imagined I didn't look great at that moment, bloodshot eyes, tear stains, but I wasn't in physical pain. I nodded, still scared for whatever was to come but I was physically well. Sammy nodded back looking down towards the ground. I watched him for a couple moments, waiting for a response before eventually I rolled the dice and opened my own maw though stopped just short as he rushed forward and placed a hand on my snout. “N- no, don't hurt yourself. I wanna talk."

“I… I'm sorry." His tone stumbled at first before landing on something brimming with determination and strength. “This is a lot. I know that, but I made a promise to you when I married you and I'm not a liar."

He gave a long sigh as his eyes locked with mine. He looked conflicted even still, though far more serious than before. What had happened in the time out of the cave? “You have done so much for me, and I… I really need to help you too."

I didn't break away from the eye contact, partly because I was so hopeful that this wasn't a dream, and that I wasn't about to wake up, and also because that face was so god damn adorable. I could see him picking at his finger nails, I used to try to stop him from doing that, it was always his anxious response, but I felt now wasn't the time. I nodded back towards him, leaning forward to get closer to him, though the pose was kind of awkward. “I love you, Leo, and I really mean it. Those hard nights, those long talks, and honestly just you as a person, it's all I've ever wanted and I don't want that to stop now. You're not dead, you're just… different."

I tilted my head, honestly just confused on where this was going if anything. “This is not something that you should worry about or help me solve, I will help you. You have gone through so much more than me and I can't even imagine it all. Yet despite all of that, you've been there for me, so I will be there for you."

“I… I just… I love you, Leo, and I'm here for you. This time I mean it." He spoke so confidently, so seriously, it truly caught me off guard, I couldn't remember the last time he ever spoke like this before. I stared at him in shock, not really certain what to do, then, before I could say or do anything he took a hesitant step forward and wrapped his arms around my head and pulled himself into a kiss.

My eyes went as wide as dinner plates (literally) as his lips met mine. He had started it, not me, this never happened! There was no way I was going to let this be wasted. Even though it wasn't the same as the others before, even though I couldn't really feel his warmth anymore. I still could savor the meaning of it all. I felt him close, I knew he knew what this meant to me, and I knew what it meant for him too.

But he didn't pull out of this one. He didn't retreat, and he didn't even flinch. It wasn't that long ago that when the bones had settled into place, and my skin had stopped peeling, when I was the size I was now, and he sat in the garage with me next to my wonderful truck. I was so happy the pain was over, I was so happy that I didn't have to worry about another bone snapping, it was all over. With all of that relief, and all of that joy, I just wanted to share it with someone else, so I went to kiss him, just as I had done so many times before.

And he screamed.

I opened my eyes in this moment, not the one before, not with the fear of the moment before, but now, in this cave, in this forest behind that stupid fucking wall. I opened my eyes to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. That I hadn't just bumped my head stepping out of that trailer and I was actually kissing my husband, actually.

And I was. He was there, I could barely see him behind that big grey box that was my face but I could see his cute little rounded ears or his floppy little hair. I closed my eyes and sat in the moment. Probably just a dozen seconds went by but it felt like months of weight slipping off my back.

Though it wasn't over, I felt that pressure build up inside me again, that of a burning question that needed to be answered. I needed to know, just like before, once again I tried to push that big stupid tongue I now had past my lips and into his, and just for that moment tasting his own mouth that moment. Even still, I could feel his tongue against mine, for just a moment he explored it, however, all good things…

Sammy pulled away suddenly, wiping his face from the spit that now coated it, coughing. The weight slammed back down on my shoulders, the stress, the fear, the anxiety everything. I had ruined it. He stumbled backwards for a couple seconds before… before he was smiling? But not like before, not like where he was obviously conflicted about it, he looked genuinely happy?

My confusion was probably read like a book, he was always good at reading me, somehow even after all of this, but there he was looking upon me. He smiled, though still visibly nervous but not as scared. “I… I'm not ready for that yet, but I- I promise you I'll do that soon, okay?"

He looked serious, I could only nod in confusion and respect. He took a step back towards me, he looked me deep into the eyes, a light smile on his face. “I love you." and he stood up on his tippy toes and kissed me right on the nose. I couldn't hold back my bafflement. My jaw hung loose as everything that I was worrying about for the past couple hours seemingly melted away. Was he really over all of this that easy?

—-

I pulled away from Leo's face, the overwhelming taste of fishy salt still fresh on my mouth. I was holding everything I had back from a gag, but the look of confusion and bafflement upon his face was more than I could ever ask for. I looked him in the eye, those amber orbs glowing so faintly in this darkness. They were beautiful, in their own, unique way.

That smile in his eyes that had grown so quickly from my kiss hadn't faded. Everything felt so strange, so floaty, so new. It was only a couple hours ago that I was looking upon him with intense fear and now… now, it was different. 'Till death do us part…' a simple phrase, one I told him what felt like yesterday but was years ago. He was my husband, and I would always be there for him. It was as simple as that.

I took a step back as I watched his massive jaw hang loose, the sharp distinctly predatory teeth inside scratched at that instinctual fear within, but I just looked back at those absolutely baffled eyes and found myself. Though, me being me, I couldn't help but shrink slightly at the fact that he was so caught up over me being direct. He always took front stage over anything we did, but that didn't stop me from teasing him every now and then.

I needed to change the topic away from my brazen act, something to move the attention away from me for any amount of time. I looked over to the pile of meat in the corner, trying my best to ignore the bones and organs sitting not far away. “So… are you hungry?" My words hung in the air as he stared just past me.

The emotions upon his face were like I had just slapped him, he blinked a few times before shifting his head as if he lost me for a moment before all of his eyes locked onto mine in that more focused 'what did you say?' type expression that I'd seen before. “Do you want me to cook?" I asked again, this time to better effect.

He looked towards the pile of meat, before shifting towards the guts, and the skeleton, before looking back towards me. Probably trying to gauge how much he may have messed up by leaving it all out, I wasn't going to say anything. He nodded, and immediately put his good arm underneath him and tried to lift himself up. My eyes went wide as I reached out to place my arm on that wall of shoulder before me to get him to stop but he only gave me a huff and lifted himself up, still holding his bad arm to his chest.

“Fine…" I said with my own huff of dismay as he smirked and limped towards the entrails. I followed suit, as he bit down upon a strange piece of leather that sat beneath all of the meat and began to drag it forward. I furrowed my brow as I followed him, though not before grabbing some of my cooking supplies out of my bag. I could see him looking back and giving that gurgling chuckle to himself as he saw me pulling out my prized metal spatula.

“Hey, chuckle all you want you doof, but when I show you how well this… um… venison, I think, gets cooked, I uh…" I bumped into Leo's tail as he stopped walking, his head looking back towards me, leather still in between his teeth, with an eye ridge raised. The spatula didn't matter. I sighed.

The creature that Leo had brought in was so unlike anything I had seen before in my life yet so similar. It was some kind of deer, that was obvious, but it was huge and had massive antlers. Though all that was left of it now sat in two distinct piles, it was crazy to think that Leo had taken that thing on and walked away, despite his best efforts to the contrary.

I walked behind him once again, watching that massive tail flick back and forth in the dimness of the lantern light. Though the fear and the trepidation now sat further back in my mind, they had not disappeared. My husband was still what he was, and that still brought a weird note to my mind. Now was a time of uncertainty within myself, he was my husband, that I was sure, but what would that mean for the future? What would that mean for me?

The cave walk felt so much longer now that I could actually see where I was going, though with that sight I could see the cave itself. It's weirdly shaped walls, and the spikes that dotted the ceiling. Like a gaping maw of a… Actually it wasn't unlike Leo's mouth with all his weird teeth.

The thought of Leo snapped me back to him, back towards that swinging tail. I watched him from behind, watching his body sway with the shifting of his tail, and those massive muscular legs thumped against the ground with every step. The size difference between the two of us ever apparent. Each one of those legs was roughly my height, leaving his entire form to be the size of a small bus. It was looking up at an elephant who was also my husband. Every time it took a minute to compute.

Not to mention how just… different he looked. He walked on his hands now, and he had that big tail. It was all so new and strange. Yet, there was one other thing that I had noticed, one that I had been explicitly ignoring, it was the thick blubbery slit that sat between those legs.

Even though he couldn't see me, just looking at it again made me blush and look away. I hadn't seen his 'stuff' while he was transforming a lot, he kept complaining about being freezing the entire time so he was mostly covered in blankets, even though he was always sweating. So imagine my shock when, after he had become too big for his bead, all of his 'stuff' was now all neatly hidden away in a crease the size of my forearm.

I almost tripped as Leo suddenly jumped off the lip of the cave, pushing past the green overhang of plants and into the dense forest that surrounded us. The sun was setting, the oranges of the day light almost just as bright as the lantern that I moved to shut off. I shook my head to clear my thoughts as I watched Leo drop the leather meat cart thing and sit down. Though not before reaching forward with his good arm and beginning to part the grass and create a spot for a fire pit, though with his size, it didn't really take long.

He looked towards me with pure curiosity, I saw him tense up once again, my eyes going wide as I knew he was going to try and speak again. I hoped to myself that he wasn't hurting himself to say something kind for my sake again.

“eirewood." He growled out towards me, the sound echoing through the forest. It was weird, his words were so unlike anything a human could make yet I could begin to understand him more and more with every single word. A testament to either the human mind's ability to figure out words, or his dedication.

I looked around. “Firewood?"

He nodded, lifting his good leg to loudly limp away from our little cave entrance. He was still hurting, the large grimaces with each movement said far more than he ever could. Not like he'd admit it out loud. I sighed and glanced back towards the firepit, pulling out my large dome like wok, and setting up my large metal suspension thing for holding it up. I stared at the contraption for a few moments, the sounds of Leo's shuffling in the bushes around me only ever being disrupted by the screeching of startled birds or the skittering of squirrels.

I pulled out another thing from my pouch, one added rather recently to the thing, a paper, slightly crumpled but nicely folded now. Handed to me not long after they said those bastards said they would let me in. Unfolding it carefully, I looked upon it finally. It was instructions on what Leo could eat. It didn't provide any explanation on how they came about that knowledge, or why he needed to eat what he needed to eat, or even why they wanted me to know it, but I wasn't going to argue, I was not an expert.

A large crack snapped through the space, I jumped away and threw my attention towards it, immediately watching a dead tree slowly slam down with a ground shaking thud. I panicked as I looked around trying to figure out the cause of the sudden commotion before I heard the slightly faint growling cheers of Leo. I sighed, he was anything but subtle.

The tree was eventually dragged back towards the fire pit, Leo doing his best to break off all the branches and other large pieces for me to burn. The second he was done, I demanded Leo sit back down and heal, I couldn't bear watching him wince in pain at every movement anymore.

Yet, as I looked towards the large cuts of meat that were ready for me to season, I pulled out the paper once again. “So… um, the agents gave me this paper…" I started.

Leo's head snapped to me first with a brow raised, before both came down in deep furrow.

“I- I know, I don't trust them either, I just… this is supposedly a dietary list and from what… you know, what we experienced at the house, I thought it might not be a bad idea to… well…" I said, both of our minds drifting in annoyance back to the hell that was him eating chocolate.

Leo shuddered before nodding for me to continue.

“Yeah." I said with a small chuckle. “So… basically any kind of meat. Plants are on the table too but not a lot, and um… advice against eating cooked food."

Leo nodded along at first, before his eyes went wide at what I had just said. Shaking his head in dismay like what I just said was some sort of massive lie. Leo loved my food, more than anything. He could be out camping hundreds of miles away, but if I was cooking at home he'd be at that door before the sun set. I always found it adorable, but that was just his thing. He never asked for anything specific, he never complained about any dish, and he always had so many positive things to say. Everything I could ever ask for.

So, to be told he couldn't eat my cooking was probably not the best thing to hear. “But! It's not set in stone! We could try a little bit, and then figure it out from there? You'll probably still have to eat some of the raw stuff but, uh, I might be able to add some seasoning to help?"

Leo's frown was stronger than I had ever seen since he transformed. I could only imagine if he was still human he'd probably be prancing around the area cursing in italian and basically calling everybody in the agency a different kind of genitalia.

I placed all the cooking stuff on the ground and walked up to him. “I'm sorry honey, I'll try my best to make it taste good, okay?"

He huffed, but looked down towards me only to immediately smile again. With his head closer to the ground, I stood on my toes and gave him a quick kiss on the nose again, causing him to look embarrassed again. That weird blubbery texture on my lips was still strange but I was over it. I smiled. “I love you honey."

He looked down on me with a smile, he'd probably be blushing if he still could. “I… loth you too."

“I love you more." I said, with the strongest hope in my heart. Leo's eyes lit up with joy at my words, the start of a chain.

I could see him tense up, moving to speak once again. I reached a hand out laying it on his massive chest, as if my touch was going to change anything about what was going to happen. His mouth opened. “I… loth you on' illi-"

Something caught in his throat as he tried his best to say the last word, immediate dry coughing followed as his head flew forward. I immediately took a step back, doing my best to dodge out of the flying wall of muscle that was his seizing form. “Oh, nonono, don't…" I started as he put his good arm down to stabilize himself better.

More of those quick harsh coughs grew from within him, like a dog eating too fast yet ten times the size. Worry flooded me as I watched him reel in pain once again, putting all of that effort into something so painful. I raised my arms and immediately started to speak. “You don't have to hurt yourself for me! I- I can, I think, understand without them!"

A ground shaking shudder ran through Leo as the coughing finally came to a stop. His eyes looked down to focus upon me before blinking a few times to get the water out of his eyes. He didn't try to speak, however, his large head drifting from side to side as he told me 'No' in another way. Yet, unlike the other times, Leo's massive hand drifted up towards my head and, with his claw, gingerly pushed my hair off to the side.

Seeing such a sharp and dangerous object so close to my eyes was admittedly not so soothing, but the action itself brought a light smile to my face as this was not the first time he had done this. Every time he thought I said something stupid, or something that he was going to ignore just because he thought it'd be cuter, he'd say something like 'You're adorable when you're angry' and flick the hair out of my face. It was charming normally, you'd have to be there.

I shook my head and gave a huff. He was going to do whatever he wanted to. I gathered up all the earnest within myself and tried my best to demand something from the largest creature I had ever seen. “I… Just don't hurt yourself, okay? I don't want you to not be able to even try anymore."

His eyes didn't drift from mine for a few, long, moments, his smile not fading before eventually he drifted off to the side and gave a light nod. Rather not ruin it forever than just keep it in short bursts. “... but that does mean I love you more."

Leo's eyes went wide jokingly, his face dramatically displaying his dismay as his gaze darting around the forest, looking for the judges who would call out my brazen display of cheating in this game of who loves the most. I just laughed maniacally, as I walked back towards the massive fire pit.

—--

My throat was on fire.

Worse than when I went hunting, so much worse, it didn't even compare. Every stupid time I tried to speak it was like bordering on the edge of a massive coughing fit, every word I spoke was like dragging a knife along the inside of my throat, yet I needed to push myself to do it. I just… I just wanted Sammy to know that I loved him one million times over, and yet I couldn't. Another thing ripped away from me for me to never do again. Add it to the list.

His words stuck with me, an almost unbelievable change from being so scared and hesitant with me to suddenly so confident, yet so shy. Just like… Just like it used to be. A little piece of normalcy slowly floating back in place, forever being chipped away by reality itself. Yet, for now, in that moment; our little bickering, his stupid spatula, his clothing obsession…

Sammy was off seasoning some of the weird meat, the 'venison', that I had gotten, the dull thrumming in my arm still a constant reminder of that stupid mistake. Yet, a thought clung to my mind, that creature, it wasn't a deer, yet it looked a lot like one. It was the same situation with whatever the hell I had turned into. Like a combination of a dozen different creatures into one, same with me. What did that mean? I wished silently to myself that I could share the thought with Sammy but as my throat pulsed with that searing dry pain, I'd probably start coughing blood.

Mutated freakish creatures made by… what? Was it nature forming these creatures through some crazy evolution? Or was it some sort of man made project built by mad scientists in some weird laboratory. Maybe some weird combination of the two or some other thing. A question that'd probably never get an answer seeing as those walls towered so high above us.

“Leo?" The sound of Sammy's voice snapped me back. He stood right in front of me, where he now normally stood, a good whole height below my head. I looked down towards him as I now had to do, as he held up a piece of oddly pink meat upon his spatula. Not a huge thing compared to me, but it was basically a whole steak to him. “Do you want to try it?" He looked a bit confused, though also curious, he must have said my name a few times.

I nodded. There were a few solid moments, as I lowered my head, that I tried to figure out how I'd hold the steak without silverware, before stupidly remembering that my fingers now had knives. Shakily, I skewered the piece of meat off of his spatula with my claws and slid it off into my open mouth. Cringing a bit as Sammy flinched from the probably horrifying looking display of the weapons on my body.

It was raw. I didn't even notice when it was right in front of me, I was just so used to eating stuff that Sammy offered. Yet, as I went to gag, I realized something. It wasn't bad, nor was it gamey like raw meat normally was. It actually tasted… really good, like really really good. My love for the meal must have been readily visible as a smile grew on Sammy's face.

“It's good?" He asked, a bit of nervousness clinging to his tone.

I nodded quickly, I didn't want to leave him waiting.

“Awesome!" Sammy said, giving himself a little fist thrust. “Does it taste better than the steaks?"

I immediately shook my head, nothing would replace those delicious steaks. So juicy, yet so crispy, a wonderful display of true masterful cooking.

“Damn." Sammy said with his little giggle of a chuckle. “Rate it out of 10?"

That was the night, Sammy would rush up with some new piece of meat and try to get me to rate it vaguely compared to the others. We went through different types of raw meat, different seasonings, different searings, whatever he could think of. He was just such a good cook and had a million different ways to work with things. The worst thing was, I had to sit there and watch him cook. I couldn't get up and start cleaning his used utensils like I used to, or rearrange plates, or whatever he'd need me to do. I could only sit down and watch.

Yet, even though it took probably a good forty or fifty of those (to Sammy) large chunks of meat, I was starting to get full. They were all really good, each one a different take on some new palette that I had never tasted before. Eating with this new mouth was different, I had a narrower tongue, sharper teeth, it was strange. No real “chewing" motion anymore, mostly just chopping up into bits and swallowing. A far cry from the normal.

Sammy, in his last bit of cooking, dried out the remaining bits of meat for a big pile of jerky snacks, and we were good to go. He piled up all the remaining bits onto the deer skin. I could see the sweat and exhaustion piling up on him as he walked back towards me. Without a word, I moved to help him clean up the scraps, grabbing the deer skin with my teeth again and dumping the scraps into the water of the lake, before heading back down the cave once again.

“So, with the usual spices I use on the raw meat, you only rated that a five out of ten, but when I added some of my… stranger ones…" Sammy's words echoed as we walked side by side down the cave, his eyes staying strongly locked forward as his hands waved around dramatically. “You liked it more! I really never cared for half of them, but it was interesting that you liked them now."

I nodded, even though I knew he wasn't looking. A smile sat on my face, it was nice to see Sammy excited about anything especially now.

“The other ones were mostly me just trying different amounts and adding some stranger stuff. I don't have much of the stranger stuff, cause' you didn't like it before, but hopefully I can make the usual stuff last long enough!" Sammy continued as we finally entered the main chamber, his cheap little lantern lighting up the full cave.

My eyes fell towards the cold stone ground as he brought up the spices. We'd run out eventually, obviously he wasn't going to get his rare collected spices across the wall, so when we ran out we'd run out forever. Just like how we probably won't survive this place for more than a couple months.

He had stopped talking, I hadn't realized in my thought but as my vision flicked towards him, I realized he had only started to unpack his sleeping bag. I flexed my weird hands as the reality that I would not be getting one myself hit me once again. I'd never fit in one ever again.

Cradling my injured arm, I slowly hobbled myself down to the ground, laying down like a disgruntled cat hissing all the way. The ground was just as cold as it was before, yet its similarity to my garage was… not the worst. I moved around, trying my best to get comfortable, but I really couldn't. The hard floor was the worst, but I really didn't have much of a choice.

As I gave up, Sammy had walked up to me and must have watched me for a few moments. As I looked up and our eyes locked, my heart fell as he jumped just from me moving. Again. Even now, my head sat above him by a good hand full of feet, I was just so much larger and more… dangerous than him. How would we ever go back to normal?

He looked at me like he was thinking. It must have been important because his eyebrows furrowed like they always did when he was thinking hard. His sleeping bag in one hand, a cup of some sort of hot liquid in the other, I could vaguely smell the harsh bite of some sort of sleepy tea. His knuckles flexed against the bag as he sat the mug on the floor and began setting up his sleeping bag on the ground.

About fifteen feet away from me.

There was no blame here, I couldn't. This was exactly like what we had done in the house, I slept in the garage, he slept in the bedroom. It was the way it was, it was what he wanted. It was how he felt safe. I couldn't blame him, I shouldn't blame him.

I looked away quickly. I knew that if I kept looking, tears were going to be the least of my problems, so I just had to look away. I had to keep my mind off it. Keep my mind off the fact that my lover, the man who had risked everything to be with me, still didn't feel safe enough to sleep next to me. Everything that I had done, everything that I had helped him with, everything that I had tried, was for nothing. I was just this big worthless pile of stupid muscle far too dangerous to ever sleep with him ever again.

I was crying. I didn't know when it happened but tears had started falling, I tried my best to bite back the whine in my chest, that stupid sob that would make Sammy so worried for me. He needed to be happy, if anybody was going to be happy it was him. I could be sad, as long as he was happy.

Yet I knew, as I heard his words in the air, that I hadn't done a good enough job at being strong.

“Leo? What's wrong?" Sammy said, almost to the point of panicking. “Does your arm hurt? I have… I have painkillers but I don't think they'll do much, I…"

I tried my best not to give it away, if I could speak I would have told him I was fine, but as I looked back, back towards his worried face and that bean bag so far away from me, I must have failed.

“I…" Sammy looked back towards the bean bag. “Oh… I see."

His eyes didn't break from the bag, staring so intently upon it's plastic-y surface that I swear I would have thought it owed him money. I watched as his right hand balled up and pressed tightly, as if some fight was happening within, some internal discussion. Something that hopefully he was winning. I tapped him with my head, hoping that he was okay. I had used my forearm to wipe my tears as best I could so I hoped I didn't look too pathetic.

“I… I'm sorry Leo, I…" He stuttered, he still was looking away, as if he wasn't talking to me.

I wished that I could tell him it was fine, that I was fine, that he didn't need to worry. He could sleep where he wanted, and that I wasn't going to die if he slept far away from me but…

He looked back towards me conflicted, more than anything, though I guess, something about the way I looked made him give that slightest bit of a smile. I didn't know what that meant, I wasn't nearly as good at reading him as he was me. He stepped away from me, even still I felt a part of me move to try to go follow, but it wasn't smart. It'd just make things worse.

Yet, as he moved back towards the sleeping bag, bending over and reaching for it, before turning back around and making eye contact once again. “I…" He began to speak once again, probably to say something of importance, but he didn't. Instead, he stepped forward, quickly marching to my side and wrapping his arms around me.

My eyes went wide in shock, again, as he surprised me. He pulled away, looking me in my eyes as he spoke. “I love you, Leo, and… I… if you want me to sleep with you… well you don't have to ask." He said so confidently, setting his sleeping bag down upon the ground and straightening it out. “Uh… does this, um… work?"

I gave a baffled smile as his usual shy self broke through again, I slowly nodded as he gave a giggle at my wild expression. The sleeping bag sat no more than a handful of feet from me now. It… it wasn't as close as I would have liked, but it was a start. I wiped the tears from my face with the back of my hand as Sammy wandered over to grab the lantern. The littlest whisper in my ear to bring the bag closer, to let me hold him as he slept, like we used to…

I couldn't.

Sammy smiled towards me as I looked on, doing my best to hide the pain in my chest as I laid my head against the cold ground. With the love of my life sleeping five feet away from me.