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I've always loved the rain... Never knew why but I just did... I could stare outside the window on a rainy day for hours... Water drops ticking against the glass, hearing the water go down the drains... Quiet empty streets, especially during the nights... It's just so peaceful... That particular scent when walking through the forest after a heavy downpour is just so mesmerizing... Some people think it's quite a depressing sight and I can understand why some may think that... All they see is dark clouds everywhere they look... But I suppose its just a matter of perspective... It never felt depressing to me... Because I'd like to think that the rain is cleansing the earth and everything it inhabits... As if it's the start of something new...

That's what I did that Sunday early in the morning... I sat there on the sill of my bedroom window staring outside at the rain while I was wearing my bathrobe... I wasn't quite sure how I felt that morning after spending the night with Sam after so many years... When I opened my eyes and saw her asleep, I felt happy to know that it happened yet somehow, it didn't felt right and it made me feel restless knowing what the cause of that was... So I sat down to think things through... It made me wonder why it was never enough for me... Blain, Sam and I talked things through the night before and even though it wasn't easy, we still managed to work it out... No longer did I had to keep things a secret from them... And even though I told Sam I couldn't make a choice I wasn't willing to make, I still felt that I had to... I couldn't choose between either Blain or Sam... I felt like I needed them both... And even though Sam told me that she was perfectly okay with me seeing Blain, I couldn't help to feel that she was a little biased about the whole thing I had going on with him... And Blain? Well... He sure as hell didn't mind me spending time with another girl so he had no reason to be... He jokingly encouraged me to do so... But still... It really had me worrying... Because I've been down on this road before and that didn't really end well...

I got snapped out of it the moment I heard a door slammed shut... I looked to my far right and noticed Blain's parents getting in their car to drive off to church, like they always do on Sunday... Staring at the clock, I noticed it was a quarter to nine and I watched them driving off... Blain would probably be up by now, working out in the basement like he always did... He was expecting us that morning to have breakfast at his place and he'd leave the back-door in the kitchen unlocked so that we could enter his house... Wouldn't have been the first time that he did... I used to ring the doorbell way back and he had to come up the basement stairs in order to let me in every time... So he just unlocked the kitchen door so that I could let myself in... I figured it wouldn't be any different that Sunday morning... Feeling so restless made me want to talk to someone about it, someone who's been in the same situation... So I quickly got up to put on some clean underwear, a skirt and a spaghetti top which just happen to be lying around and wore my flip-flops in order to go outside and see him... Before I left my room, I looked at my night-stand and figured that in order to make things right again, I had to take one with me... So I picked one from my night- and hid it in the pocket of my skirt... I looked at Sam who was still vast asleep and hasn't moved since I got up... She wouldn't wake up for another while... And so, I rushed down the stairs and wanted to make my way out the door but I forgot about Simon and Catherine... I thought they were still asleep but instead, they were sitting at the kitchen table having breakfast...

'Hey, good morning! You're up early!'

'Oh, hi! Uhm... I didn't expect you guys to be downstairs.'

'Simon and I are off to see aunt Agnes later on. It's her birthday.'

'... Who?'

'Aunt Agnes? Simon's aunt?'

'Oh, yes! Of course! Uh... Well, give her my best wishes, will you?'

'We will. Would you like something to eat, dear?'

'No thanks, I'm good. I'm off to see Blain. We're gonna have breakfast later at his house now that his parents are off to church and I'm just, uhm... Gonna help him set everything up.'

'Where's Samantha? She's still asleep?'

'She is but I won't be long. I'll be back before you guys leave the house. See ya in a bit!'

Before they could ask more questions, I quickly went towards the hallway and grabbed my keys from the key holder on the wall... I was in such a rush to get to Blain as fast as I could that I almost forgot to take an umbrella with me... Grabbing the first one I could find, I opened the front door and unfolded my umbrella... And once I got outside, I walked as fast as I could through the rain down the small alley to his backyard trying to keep it dry... Luckily, the kitchen door was open once I got in his backyard and when I stood inside the house on the doormat, I left my umbrella outside, took my flip-flops off and wiped my feet dry before entering... Once they were dry enough and I made sure I wasn't tracking water through the house, I went towards the basement where loud drum and bass music was playing and made my way downstairs but stopped halfway the moment I saw him... I never got tired to see him working out... Blain made the basement his own personal little sanctuary... There was an old sofa at the end of the room, near the wall to the far right which made it a bit of a separate area... Some small, cheap coffee was in the middle and a few plastic lawn chairs across... A large old CRT TV was standing on a simple dresser... There was no reception down in the basement but the TV was only used for playing games on his old Nintendo's and watching video's on a VCR... The VCR itself wasn't used for many years and I'm actually quite surprised he still had it... Like he didn't want to get rid of it or something... While the Nintendo's were stored somewhere, his Playstation 2 was still hooked up to the TV... It's where he and his friends would hang out, playing games and watch movies all night while drinking and having fun... Even though his basement has seen some changes over the years, one thing never did... The punching bag he had suspended from the ceiling in the middle of the room was old and beaten up... It had some small tears and a lot of claw mark scratches but that thing was build to last... And every time Blain was practicing Taekwondo, he went all out on that thing.. His jabs and high kicks were so powerful and lightning fast every time he hit it... He and I often sparred together and while I can easily stand my ground, I would get my ass kicked if he went full out on me... Even though his martial arts are impressive to watch, it wasn't the only thing that stood out... Over the years, he was getting in shape and it really showed... He had a great body to say the least... His abs and torso looked as if they were chiseled out of a rock formation... Broad shoulders and strong arms that held me close whenever I needed it... And I always caught myself staring at him whenever we were at the beach or working out... I think he always noticed whenever I was staring at him with a bit of a dreamy smile... You'd think he'd be used to that by now but it always made him a little shy whenever he got stared after by women... Or guys, for all that matters... Even though he's not gay, I believe he was open minded enough to be a little flattered whenever he got hit on by a guy... Things like that made him confident enough but he always was a little self-aware regarding his looks considering he used to be quite obese back when we were little... And I suppose that always stuck with him, even now, many years later... I watched him kicking and jabbing a couple of times before he turned around to reposition himself when he noticed me standing there... And once he did, he smiled and walked up to his stereo to turn it off...

'Hey, Ceylan! I didn't hear you coming in.'

'Good morning...'

'I wasn't expecting you so early. Where's Sam?'

'She's still asleep... I was hoping I'd get to see you before she joins us...'

'Oh! I see, uhm... Everything okay...?'

'Heh...'

'What's wrong?'

'I just need to talk to you...'

'Well, yeah, of course. What's going on?'

Blain took his bottle of water and kicked back on his sofa while I continued walking down the stairs and sat down in on the plastic chair across... It stayed silent for a moment but once he looked at me, I started talking...

'I told Sam the truth last night once we got home... Everything I wanted to tell her and how I felt about everything we did...'

'Well, that's good, right?'

'I suppose... We talked for a long time about the things we've had and what drove us to it... It took quite some time for us to express ourselves and explain everything to each other... But things got a little emotional once we got home...'

'Oh, wow...'

'So yeah...'

'Listen, uhm... About last night.. My reaction wasn't entirely appropriate when you and Sam confessed... I mean, I didn't realize it was that serious between the two of you when you guys were talking about it... But you really seemed hurt and I should've known better...'

'It's alright, Blain...'

'Still... What happened next...? What did she say...?'

'She said that couldn't do this... She's not very comfortable with the idea of me having feelings for her...'

'Did she tell you why...?'

'Would it feel right to you if you'd have sex with a girl who's madly in love with you while you don't feel anything for her...?'

'Point taken...'

'That's how Sam sees it...'

'And what about you?'

'Well... Sam always assumed that we weren't on the same line anymore once I started having feelings for her... But truth is, we always talked about what we wanted from each other... So how could she say that if the two of us always knew what to expect...?'

'Uh-huh...'

'I always knew her feelings for me wouldn't be mutual... All she wanted was to have sex with me and nothing more while I wanted a bit more than that...'

'Why would you want anything more when you know your feelings would never be mutual...? Sounds to me you'll only get your feelings hurt...'

'That's what Sam said as well... But despite the way Sam felt about it, she always gave in...'

'How so?'

'I always thought that Sam and I compensated each other, you know...? She wanted to have sex and I gave in to what she wanted from me... And I wanted to experience her in a way I'll never get to otherwise...'

'What do you mean by that?'

'She never turned me down whenever I wanted to hold her close... Never denied me a kiss... On most nights, we talked afterwards...'

'I see...'

'All the nights I've spent together with her felt as if she was in love with me, even though it was only for a short time... And the next morning, it was just gone...'

'That doesn't hurt your feelings, knowing that it only lasts for a short moment every time...?'

'No, it doesn't... Because those nights gave me a lot more than I could ever hope for... I got to experience her in a way I never would otherwise... It reminded me of what love should all be about and what I want in someone... Those are the memories I cherish and the things I long for... So no, it didn't hurt me to have done so without the feelings being mutual... What hurts me is to know that those nights may never happen again...'

'How'd she respond to that?'

'It had her thinking... Made her wonder if she was ever considerate enough about the way I felt about it and if she ever did enough...'

'Have you ever felt that it was one sided?'

'No, absolutely not...'

'So then what?'

'What hurt me was that Sam wasn't saying anything after that... It stayed quiet for a long time and after a while, she just went to the bathroom to brush her teeth and stayed there for half an hour... Once she finally got back, she stood there and saw me crying... And that's when she realized how much all of it really meant to me...'

'Hm-mm...'

'We started reminiscing the nights we've spend together and all the things that made it so great... We both missed each other in the way we've been... And that's when she said that we couldn't be more than what we already are if we were going to do this...'

'Which means?'

'That Sam and I would never be anything more than friends... She said that she can't have feelings for me... Not because she doesn't want to but simply because it's just not there... And she hoped I realized that and that one day, I won't be holding that against her...'

'For doing this without her having mutual feelings?'

'Hm-mm... The thing is, we've always been clear on that... And as much as I want her to have feelings for me, it's something I cannot expect her to have nor have I ever thought for a moment that she cherished feelings for me... So if we'd do this, I knew it would only be for the sex... It's a choice we both made together...'

'Okay...'

'And we did... Sam and I had sex last night...'

'Wow, uhm... That's great, right...? I mean, if you guys feel right about it and if you both are clear on what to expect from each other then I suppose it's a good thing, right...?'

'It is, yeah...'

'Soooo... You just came down here to tell me that the two of you slept together?'

'Well, no... No, I mean... That's not why I came down here to see you... Last night together with Sam, it was amazing... It really was... But the thing is, I'm now in a situation again where I've been in before... It feels as if I'll have to make a choice that I'm not willing to make...'

'What choice would that be?'

'It feels like I have to choose between either you or Sam... And I don't want to make that choice...'

'Hm...'

'And I'm just wondering what you think of it... About me and her... In all seriousness...'

Blain sighed quietly and looked down while scratching the back of his head. He seemed a little baffled after I asked him that...He took a swig from his bottle of water and placed it on the coffee table across. I kept staring at him in the hope he would have his answer ready but it didn't seem as straightforward as I thought it would be... It took a while for him to break the silence...

'Christ, Ceylan... What do you want me to say? You want me to forbid you from seeing her?'

'No, I just want to know how you feel about me and her...'

'You honestly think my opinion would make a difference? Would that stop you from sleeping with her?'

'I just don't want things to go down the same road I've been on before...'

'Did you ask Sam the same question?'

'Yes, I have...'

'What did she say?'

'She's okay with it...'

'You mean with us?'

'Sam told me that she knows you treat me well and that the rest is up to me to fill in...'

'Right, okay so... Let me get this straight. You're saying that you and I are mates. Sam knows about us and she's also your mate. Which means that you want to "see" me but Sam as well...'

'Yes...'

'And we're all perfectly fine with it.'

'That's what Sam said...'

'Then what makes you say that you need to make a choice?'

'It doesn't feel right knowing that I'm seeing someone else when you're still in the picture...'

'It's Sam you're seeing, I've known her as long as you do.'

'That doesn't make it any different...'

'Yeah but neither is it any of my business as well. I can't tell you what you should and shouldn't do nor have I the right to claim you in any way, just as much as you can't claim me.'

'Heh...'

'If you and Sam want to see each other, then you definitely should. It's not like you'd have to ask my blessing. I mean, I thought you two were just messing around but hearing all of this makes me realize just how serious it got between to the two of you...'

'It was to me...'

'Look... It doesn't matter to me, Ceylan... It's perfectly okay if you want to see both me and Sam but I just want you to realize that it'll never be anything more than that... Not in the way you want us to... We might be able to give you what you want from us but you should know that it won't last forever...'

'I know...'

'Isn't that what we've always talked about? About what to expect from each other and to make things clear to avoid getting hurt?'

'Yeah...'

'I mean, it's great fun and all but...'

'But what...?'

'You want it to be special, you know...? And in a way, it is for me but it's still not the same as you intent it to be... And I bet Sam feels the same about it... I think that's what she meant when she told you to stay on the same line...'

'Heh...'

'Neither Sam or me are taking advantage of you or the situation... Because we've had a lot of these kind of talks when neither of us weren't too sure about all of this... And what started off as something fun and casual became a whole lot more complicated than I ever imagined...'

'Have you ever thought we took things too far...?'

'No... No, but there's been a few times where I had to ask myself if it would be right to do so, seeing as we've had our misunderstandings about each other... But nevertheless, we've always managed to work it out...'

'Hm-mm...'

'What about you...? Have you ever thought we went too far with each other...?'

'No... But still... Even if we did, it's too late now to turn back... We can't undo what has been done and... I can't imagine myself without you guys... And all we can do now is to move forward... The only question is how... It feels weird to realize that I've slept with the both of you and keep a straight face whenever you two are present...'

'I think somewhere along the line, you started to focus on intimacy and love instead of the things that made it fun in the first place without ever making it too complicated...'

'It's just how I feel about it... I simply can't change that...'

'I know... And I'm trying to give you all you want... I'm not saying that it doesn't hold any meaning to me whatsoever... Because it does and you're a great girl and you know I love you very much but...'

'You're afraid of commitment...'

'Heh...'

'Just like I am...'

'Yeah... Just like you are...'

'Just because we're afraid to commit doesn't mean we don't feel the need to...'

'Except it's just on a whole different level between us...'

'Even so, it's still a commitment we make to each other... One that has no strings attached whatsoever... One that feels right to me, regardless of how you may think about it...'

'What about Sam? Where does she fit in all of this...?'

'I feel the same about her as I do about you... Which is why I feel I need to make a choice, one that I'm not willing to make...'

'Then you shouldn't make that choice... And do whatever feels right...'

'Heh... Even when I'm the only one who's doing this...?'

'Well yeah... Do what feels right, Ceylan... You know I'll always have your back...'

'I can imagine that you feel the same though...'

'Feel the same about what?'

'Have you ever felt the need to see other women besides me...?'

'No, not necessarily...'

'But you'd tell me, right...? If there was someone else...?'

'Of course... I'll always be honest with you, Ceylan...'

There was something reassuring in his eyes when he said that... Blain and I never had any secrets from each other... He always saw through whenever something was bothering me... I suppose that just shows how well he knew me... Perhaps he knew me better than I knew myself... What started out as something fun and casual became something more complicated than we'd ever imagine... But as long as we'd stayed honest with each other, we knew we'd make it work... That day, I wanted to find a way so that both Sam and Blain would fit in... And while I knew talking about it and staying honest was the only way, it wasn't all that easy as it might've sound... I stood up from the my chair and sat sideways on Blain's lap, having my arms around his shoulder and holding him close... I closed my eyes for a moment and felt the butterflies in my stomach the moment I kissed his cheek... He placed his arm around my waist while I gave him a firm cuddle and caressed my hair... When I looked him in the eyes again, I knew he was eager to ask me something and while I had a hunch of what it was, I waited for him to ask...

'So how come I'm never invited to your little sleepovers, hm...?'

'Hihi... Would you like to...?'

'Sure... Just pretend I'm not there...'

'You'd be hard to miss...'

'I'd be hard either way with you around...'

'Haha! Riiiiight, of course you'd be... You cheeky bugger...'

'Hehehe...'

'Hm... If it were up to me, I wouldn't mind if you joined in and watched... Unless you feel like participation on your end...'

'So you'd still go for it...?'

'What?'

'To have a threesome...?'

'I'm still open to that if that's what you're asking...'

'With Samira and Evelyn...?'

'Ha, yeah right, like they'd give us a second chance after we bailed out on them... We were stupid enough to forget to ask for their phone-numbers... Not that it would matter anyway... '

'What would you do differently if we had the chance to start all over again with them?'

'Everything, I suppose... If I knew what would happen, I definitely would've gone through with it...'

'Was fun while it lasted though...'

'Yeah, for what it was worth... Still, I really like the idea of another woman joining in... It's been on my mind for a long time now...'

'... But?'

'Well, the thing is, you can't expect that every club you walsh in would have women who'd be interested in having a threesome with us...'

'Well, who knows...'

'We were lucky with Samira and Evelyn but I highly doubt something like that would happen again...'

'I guess so...'

'But yeah, uhm... I really like the idea... But I think we should get to know her first once we know where to find her...'

'You'd like to get to know her first.'

'Well, yeah, I mean... I'm just not comfortable to have sex with someone I hardly know...'

'Isn't that part of the excitement?'

'Maybe... But it just doesn't feel right to do so...'

'That's just you focusing on the emotional aspect of sex. Don't.'

'But that's exactly what makes it so important for me to have. That emotional click you have with someone...'

'You mean during sex?'

'Amongst others, yes...'

'So you'd like to bond with someone you hardly know just to have sex with her for one night and never see her again. It doesn't work that way, Ceylan...'

'Well, who knows... Perhaps we could stay in touch with her and, you know... Meet each other for a second time...'

'The kind of women who'd like to join us in a threesome aren't looking for an emotional bond with us whatsoever. That's why it's so easy for them to give in to it simply because there's zero commitment involved. We meet up, have some fun and we'd all go about our business afterwards. And that's all there is to it...'

'Heh...'

'You can't have false expectations if you really want to do this...'

'I'm not, it's just... I don't want this to become a disaster again if we'd really go for it...'

'You worry too much... Don't, just go with whatever feels natural... Besides, it's not like she's gonna make you do freaky stuff. Unless you're into that sort of thing...'

'Depends on what you consider to be freaky.'

'I can't imagine us pissing on each other.'

'Ewww, no, absolutely not.'

'See, that we can agree on.'

'I suppose you're right though... How bad could it get? I mean, I assume we would be discussing some rules and boundaries before anything happens... Besides, you'd be there too, right? To look after me?'

'Always...'

'And to make sure she won't piss on me?'

'Haha! Sure, whatever! I'm sure you can handle that yourself.'

'Hehehe, good... Glad we agree on that bit...'

'It'll be alright, Ceylan. You should just focus on having fun with her without making things too complicated and set you're mind to it. Just be yourself around her.'

'It's not like she'd care about my charming personality, right...?'

'Hardly... All she would care for are those killer legs of yours, your gorgeous hourglass figure and those tight apple buns...'

'Hm-mm...'

'You still don't seem convinced.'

'I am about what you just said about my legs, figure and ass but the whole idea of a stranger joining in is just, you know...'

'Just think things through first... We'll only do this if you're absolutely sure and comfortable...'

'You don't seem to have a problem with that...'

'Well, no.'

'How so?'

'Because I can put my feelings aside while you're looking for friendship with everyone you want to have sex with. It's not gonna work.'

'I suppose you're right...'

'Besides, how many friendships would come off the ground after such a thing happened? You can't expect them to be your best friends all of a sudden after you had earth shattering sex with them...'

"Best friends..." I kept staring ahead for a moment once that thought found it's way inside my head and kept lingering... "Holy shit..." I know I didn't like the idea of having sex with a stranger and trying to get to know them might even turn them off... After all, getting to know each other is not exactly the point of having a casual one-night stand, is it...? And I bet the other person wouldn't be bothered to get to know me and pretend to like me as a person when all he or she wants is to have sex... So from my point of view, a threesome would never happen if I didn't change the way I felt about having sex with a stranger... But when Blain said it, it opened up a whole new set of possibilities... And a thought starts out small and grows once you think about it... And that's exactly what happened once the idea came in my head... His words kept going through my mind and I just couldn't shake it off... What if we were able to involve someone we already know and love...? Someone we could trust...? Someone who was with us...? Blain was frowning at me once I spaced out like that... But once that little idea started to settle in, I looked at him with a little smile...

'You look like you just had a revelation.'

'Yes, I do actually... I think I might know someone...'

'... Really??'

'Hm-mm... But I don't know how she would feel about it so...'

'Haha, alright! So who's the lucky gal?'

'Do you like her...?'

'... Who?'

'Samantha...'

'Uhm... Sam?? ... Really?'

'... Yeah? Be honest...'

'Are you being serious right now?'

'Sort of...'

'Wow, uhm... Well, I mean... I'm not sure how I'd feel about that... I mean, I know you're up for a threesome but I never expected you to have Sam involved...'

'It's just... Every time, I've felt that there was always something missing... Something that I just can't explain... To be with you means that I miss being with a woman... And to be with a woman means that I miss being with you... I don't want to make that choice... I did in the past and it never ended well... And now, I feel that I just can't do that anymore... I can't pretend to have everything I need when I still have to choose between you and Sam...'

'Yeah but why her, out of every woman out there...?

'Because I feel that Sam would make us whole...'

'Heh...'

'You don't like the idea of having Sam involved...'

'No... Not really, no...'

'Why not...?'

'I don't know, it's just... I don't see her do anything like that... And I honestly can't imagine me and Sam would, you know...'

'You and Sam don't have to, if it's making you feel uncomfortable... Maybe you could tell us what to do and we'll do it in front of you... And Sam gets to tell what she'd like to see from us...'

'Right, okay...'

'But who knows, she might do it with you for all we know... And I suppose there's only one way to find out... We'd have to talk about it in order to know how she would feel about it...'

'What makes you think she'd go through with it...?'

'I don't know... But I'd really like to know her opinion on the subject first...'

'You really are serious, aren't you?'

'I just figured talking about it wouldn't hurt...'

'Yeah but with Sam...? Wouldn't it be better to look for someone less "close" to us...? You know, to avoid ruining a lifelong friendship if things go south?'

'Don't you like her "that way"...?'

'You really want me to answer that?'

'Yes... Would you have sex with her if she was willing to...?'

'You mean "all the way"...?'

'When anything goes...?'

'I can't imagine her giving in to a threesome... Especially not with us...'

'Maybe... But that doesn't answer my question...'

'If I would have sex with her? I mean, I honestly don't know... Would you be okay with that? Me and Sam going at it?'

'As long as both you and Sam want to, yes...'

'I really don't know, Ceylan... The whole idea seems a little... strange...'

'Have things ever been strange between you and me...?'

'At times, yes. But things always came around...'

'Exactly...'

'Heh... You know, most women wouldn't want someone they sleep with to have sex with someone else. And you actually encourage it...'

'I suppose I'm not like every other woman out there... I guess I'm just funny that way... '

'Hehehe...'

'And you were right... Perhaps I was focusing too much on feelings and forgot what makes it so great in the first place... I think we would just need to take the time and see where it'll lead to...'

'Just promise me you won't manipulate her into it, Ceylan... Or else she might do something she may regret...'

'I wouldn't want any of that... I also wouldn't want her to act on an impulsive thought... We need to think things through for a couple of days so that we all know what we're getting ourselves into... We'd have to come up with a set of rules and tell each other what we can expect if we're really going for it...'

'Yeah...'

Still... Regardless of how things would play out, I don't like the idea of us considering her an object for us to toy around with... She's a person, a friend of us for all that matters and deserves to be treated with respect...'

'That goes without saying...'

'Alright...'

'How are you gonna pull this off...?'

'I'll talk to her first to find out what her opinion is on the subject...'

'Right... And how do you plan on that without scaring her off?'

'I don't know yet... I'll find an opportunity to bring it up...'

'I'm still not sure about all of this, Ceylan... She may get the wrong idea if we'd ask her... I mean, she came back to Ravello for a week and I don't want her to get the impression that sex is all we want from her during her stay... As if that's the only reason why we wanted to see her...'

'Absolutely not, you know better than that...'

'Just... Whatever you do, don't put our friendship with her at risk over this... I don't care about having sex with her... My friendship with her is more important for me to have...'

'I know... And the same goes for me...'

Blain stayed unusually quiet after that while I kept holding him close and caressed his head... I know he had to let it sink in but while I wasn't all that confident about it myself, I knew I could at least bring up the subject to see how she feels about it... There's no harm in that, is there...? I just figured that if all of us wanted to go through with it, we'd just go along and see where it would lead to... Anything could happen if we'd have a threesome and while that's quite an exciting thought, it was also something that scared me a little... Which is why it was so important to talk about it and stay honest, now more than ever... But if we managed to, I thought I'd finally have the answer to the question as to what was missing for all these years... Being bi-sexual doesn't mean you get to "pick a side" and stick with it which is exactly what I did through out the years... So I wasn't intending to anymore... It might've seemed bold and risky... But I knew that if they would give in to it, I would make it worth their while... And show them what they truly mean to me... I just wished it would happen more often... Not just with Sam but also with him...

'Do I still make you happy...?'

'What makes you think you wouldn't...?'

'Because we haven't had a moment together for a while now... And I was wondering if there was anything I did to turn you off...'

'No, of course not... I just don't want our friendship to revolve around sex... Or make you feel that it is...'

'It's not... But I still want intimacy to be a part of us... But it often just feel its one-sided between you and me...'

'What do you mean...?'

'I'm always the one who needs to make the first move in order for you to know that its okay for you to do so... I just want you to give in to it whenever you feel the need... You know I'll never turn you down...'

'Is that what you want right now...?'

'Talking to you isn't the only reason why I came down here... I was hoping you'd feel the need as well... But if you do, I can't stay for long...'

'Why not...? My parents have this charity thing at church, they won't be back for another few hours...'

'I need to get back before Simon and Catherine leave... I don't want Sam to wake up in an empty house so...'

'I thought quickies weren't your kind of thing...'

'I'd like to take all the time in the world for it to happen, yes... But I suppose I'll never know whether or not it's my kind of thing if I haven't tried it before...'

'I don't have a condom on me...'

'But I do...'

I reached down the pocket of my skirt and showed him the condom I took with me from my night-stand... The moment I showed him, Blain smiled at me as I leaned forward and kissed his cheek when I positioned myself on top of him... When I lowered the straps of my top to reveal my breasts to him, his eyes were fixated on them... And right that very moment, the same thing happened that always made this work between us... It's like we were able to flip a switch that caused us not to see each other as friends for as long as the moment we had together would last... It didn't happen very often... But when it did, he made me feel wanted and it's the kind of feeling not everyone can give you... That's what made it so special... And that's why I always gave in...

I felt his dick getting harder between my legs when I gently swayed back and forth... The look on his face was priceless when my hand reached down his jogging trousers and gently caressed his testicles with the tip of my fingers... Every once in a while, his dick started to twitch until it grew hard enough for his tip to pop out from his boxer-shorts... So he pulled his jogging trousers and boxer-shorts half way down his knees to give it some more room... And when I positioned myself back on top of him again, I felt his boner rubbing the fabric of my panties... Pressing my vagina against it and applying some force while leaning forward made me grind my clitoris against the shaft of his penis... And while I was already enjoying it, getting my clitoris stimulated made it all the better... It feels like you're getting little jolts of electricity inside your nether regions that spread out all over your body and only get more intense the longer you're at it... When his hands reached down underneath my skirt and held on to my ass-cheeks, I looked at him and bit my lip while I had a bit of a nervous smile on my face... And even though we've had sex before, I was always kind of nervous about it, afraid I wasn't pleasing him enough in whatever way he wanted me to... But the look on his face said everything to me and that always made me more confident... And that Sunday was no exception... I held on to his shoulders and held my head close to his while I was quietly panting in his ear of pleasure... It seemed as if he could reach his climax any second and even though that was always satisfying to see, I didn't mean to end it like this... Not when I wasn't quite satisfied... I gave him a kiss and placed my hands on his cheeks as my forehead touched his and looked him in the eyes...

'You want to get inside me...?'

'Absolutely...'

So I stood up and moved over while I kneeled on the sofa, with my ass up... Resting my elbows on the back skit of the sofa and leaning forward, Blain got behind me, removed the package from the condom I gave him and rolled it down over his shaft... Holding up my tail for him, he lifted my skirt up and pulled my panties halfway down... My pussy was so wet and I felt myself dripping a bit once my panties weren't soaking up all my juices... And Blain just couldn't resist touching it... He used his thumbs to spread my pussy lips and I looked down between my legs to see him having a good look at my coochie...

'I'll never get tired of seeing that gorgeous wet pink pussy of yours...'

'I never get tired of my point of view either...'

'Just a quick taste...'

'Well, alright then...'

While his thumbs stretched my pussy lips as wide as he could, he stuck out his tongue and gave it a slow lick upwards... He loved going down on women... And with the way he did, I had nothing to complain... He often made me reach my climax whenever he was a bit too eager to please... Needless to say, I was always more than willing than to give in to his particular desire... It's because I know what it's like to please women in the way he did... To make a woman surrender herself to you and pleasing her in ways she might not even know was possible brings a certain satisfaction along... And it's more than likely for her to return the favor, pleasing you in any way you desire... But whenever I was with Blain, I found myself on the other side of it... I wasn't the one who did all the pleasing... Instead, I was the one who surrendered to it... It felt strange to do so... I was so used to be in control of things that I forgot what it's like to surrender yourself to someone... And just the idea of him taking control of me was quite the tantalizing thought... Because even though you might think you know what you enjoy during sex, you wouldn't know for certain until someone has had their way with you and surrender yourself to their ways... That's why I always gave in to him, simply because he aimed to please... And losing control has never felt so great...

He wasn't at it for a long time though... A couple of minutes at most, I reckon but I had nothing to complain... I just wished he was at it for a little longer... But nevertheless, I let him do what he wanted the most from me... I looked over my shoulder when Blain placed his hands on my waist and positioned himself behind me... He firmly pressed his dick against my vagina and rubbed it up and down between my pussy lips, trying to get it in... It's a rather tight squeeze and he didn't get it in straight away... But perhaps that's the reason why he loved having sex with me... Hearing him whisper in my ear how good it felt to him being inside my tight wet hole did something to me... It made me more eager to please him by letting him set the pace... And while he was gentle at first, it didn't take long before he was pounding me from behind... It's moments like these that make it hard to control yourself when something so intense is pleasuring you from the inside... I lowered my head and closed my eyes when I couldn't oppress it anymore... It caused me to quietly moan in pleasure with every thrust he gave me... And at some point, he leaned forward and was breathing down my neck while his hand reached down between my legs and firmly started to rub my clitoris while he kept pounding me from behind... Feeling his dick pulsing inside me, he lets out a quiet grunt when his whole body was trembling, squeezing out every drop he could muster... He was breathing heavily down my neck and it took several moments for us to recover... And after a couple of moments of silence, he gently gave me a kiss on my cheek while he rested his head on my shoulder...

'Does that make me a slut...?'

'What are you talking about...?'

'For wanting this...? To feel the need to see someone else besides you...?'

'I suppose you have needs that not everyone can fulfill... Sam can give you things that I can't...'

'So what does that make me...?'

'Some things about yourself aren't necessary to label for you to know what it is...'

'But what exactly is it...?'

'It's just what it is, Ceylan... Fulfillment of your own needs...'

'Heh...'

'Is that what you're worried about...? To put a label on yourself...?'

'It's the way I see myself...'

'And what if you were...? Would that make a difference to the way you're feeling...?'

'It's always been about the intimacy I shared with someone...'

'I know... But the things you feel about someone is what it is, Ceylan... Labeling yourself wouldn't make a difference because you already know what it is... And you're so much better than that...'

'Heh...'

'I don't always understand your reasons... But I trust you to have taken things into consideration before you actually go through with it... And I trust you when you say you want this to happen...'

'How do you see me in all of this...?'

'You're not the kind of girl who easily gives herself to someone... It takes someone very special for you to do so... To you, it's always been about emotional fulfillment with someone you choose to be with... To share a bond with someone that no one else has with you... But it also says a lot about how much you trust and care for me when you want me to be part of your life in the way we are... It shows how much I mean to you... Perhaps not as a lover but certainly as a friend... It hasn't always been so easy and we had our misunderstandings about each other but we always made it work... Even now, fifteen years later, you and I are still together... To know that we're always here for each other, in every imaginable... That's what makes you so special to me...'

'You really mean that...?'

'Every word...'

He always claimed not to be an romanticist but he always knew the right things to say... Just because I wanted this to happen didn't mean I had my doubts... But that's the thing... Someone needs to take those doubts away from you... There's always been a certain attraction to us ever since we were teens... But we never really knew what it truly was... It made me think that there was no such thing as casual sex... At least, not for me... Because to me, it'll always have a reason and it would never be without meaning... It's about forming a bond with someone and feel loved and cherished, if only for a short moment... But those moments gave me a whole lot more than anyone could ever give me... It takes a special kind of person to deal with the needs I have and not everyone feels the same way about it as I do... But I suppose Blain and I just grew towards it as the years passed by... And perhaps that's the reason why we could make this work... He never used me when I was at my weakest... And certainly not when I was at my strongest... But that's exactly what made him so special to me... I turned around, placed my hand on the back of his head and gently pressed my lips against his...

'Thank you...'

'For what...?'

'I just needed to hear that...'

Blain smiled and caressed my hair for a moment before pulling out... He pulled his shorts up and flopped down on the sofa while I corrected the straps of my top up to my shoulders and pulled my panties up... I sat on top of him and held my hands on his cheeks as I rest my forehead against his... We stayed like this for another while... Blain and I held each other and every time our gazes met, we were smiling at each other... Caressing each others cheeks... Leaning forward to smell his hair... And every once in a while, sharing a kiss... But when my stomach started to growl, we both heard it and Blain quietly chuckled...

'Hehehe...'

'So what are we having for breakfast...?'

'I don't know... What do you feel like having?'

'What would you like?'

'We could make pancakes.'

'Haven't had those in ages... Sounds good...'

'We can't fuck up like last time. This time, we'll actually have to serve them to someone else and make sure she'll live.'

'It was just one pancake that got burned...'

'You mean incinerated. That wouldn't have happened if you weren't poking me with a ladle...'

'You accepted my trial by combat the moment you picked up that spatula.'

'Yeah, to flip the goddamn pancake!'

'Haha!'

'And then I flung some batter in your face and all hell broke loose.'

'We shouldn't be cooking together. Like, ever.'

'No, we sure as hell shouldn't. But where's the fun in that...?'

'True...'

'Hehehe...'

I've been watching too many romance movies... But at moments like those, I really felt like I was being in one... And whatever we did, it was never meaningless even though we've told ourselves a thousand times that it was... It really showed each and every time... He's given me more than he would ever realize... And no one would be able to take that away from me... That's why I did this... That's why I gave in every time... To just have something that no could ever take away from me... Because I remember it all... I do this to remind myself that it's not like that anymore... I do this to remind myself that I'm the one in control of my actions... It is to remind me that Sam and Blain are nothing like them... And even though it will always be part of me, I can never, ever let it get a hold over me anymore... I refused to have let it define my life anymore because I know I have that choice... O ne pleasurable experience doesn't outweigh a bad one... And even though I've had quite a few bad experiences, I was hoping that if I had enough pleasurable ones, it will some day outweigh the bad ones... It hasn't been easy to get where I am today but I couldn't do it on my own... He gave me back my dignity and self-esteem, a reason to trust someone and could express my feelings for him in the only way I could, which was more precious to me than anything in the world to have... While he didn't always understand my reasons, I knew for certain that I did... And that's all that mattered to me... I kissed his forehead and caressed his cheeks as I looked him in the eyes...

'I have to go back...'

'Alright...'

'I'll take a shower at home and I'll see you in an hour or so, okay...?'

'Sure thing... I could use a shower too...'

Blain and I stood up from the sofa and I gave him a firm hug for a while before we went upstairs... Once we did, I headed towards the kitchen to go back outside while Blain headed upstairs to take a shower... And just before we headed our separate ways, we were looking at each other and smiled for a moment... When Blain turned around and walked up the stairs, I put my flip flops back on and went out the back... And while it was still raining, it wasn't pouring down like it did before... So I took my umbrella and quickly made it back to my house...

Simon and Catherine were still present the moment I got home... They saw me coming in and while I wasn't exactly keen on sharing on what just happened at Blain's house, I simply smiled at them as I headed upstairs to take a shower... Once I got in my room to grab some clean underwear, I noticed Samantha was still asleep... I stood there for a moment to watch her and couldn't help myself to smile at her... After which, I went to the bathroom and locked the door behind me... Once the water was running, I started to undress myself and got in the bathtub to take my shower...

When I got back in my room about half an hour later, I was snooping through my wardrobe in search of some clean jeans and a top to wear... I noticed in the reflection of the mirror of my wardrobe that Sam was sitting upright, looking at me... And when I turned around, Sam got up from her mattress, still looking a little drowsy but had this cute little smile on her face and her hair was a mess, she walked up to me in the nude... I gave her a hug and closed my eyes when I felt the butterflies in my stomach... And at that moment, things couldn't have been more perfect... I looked her in her eyes and kissed her... Sam held me close to her while I caressed her hair and we stood there for a moment until she told me she had to take a shower... Sam borrowed my bathrobe and took her underwear with her when she made her way to the bathroom... I gave her some towels and before she closed the door behind her, Sam looked at me and smiled as I smiled right back at her... Once I got back to my own room to pick out some clothes, I looked at myself in the mirror... And I've never seen myself so happy...

While there once was a time where I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted by what I was seeing, I looked at myself that day and could hardly remember how that felt like... I wasn't feeling disgusted by what I was seeing anymore... It's because I knew I had a choice and that I chose for this... And knowing that they chose me in return made me feel on top of the world... It felt strange to realize that I once feared it... That it was the cause of my depression and social isolation... To have been stripped of your dignity and everything you value about yourself... To have been violated in a way that most people cannot imagine... It seemed ironic that I still had sex, despite everything that happened to me and I never understood why I still did... But I suppose having a choice puts everything in a different perspective... For eight long years, I felt I never had one... But people tend to overcome their fears by facing them... And then one day, you realize that you've been afraid of something that's not supposed to be feared... I actually found beauty in it... I found love and warmth in the arms of the people I trusted the most... People who were willing to see through me and understand me when most couldn't... For the first time in my life, I felt I had everything I needed... Everything I ever longed for... And that I had everyone with me I couldn't live without... When I saw myself smiling in the mirror, it was the most genuine and sincere smile I've ever seen on myself... And I suppose that's what true happiness is all about... No more secrets, no more lies... It felt liberating for them to know, even though I knew all too well it couldn't last forever... But I also knew that we'd find a way to make it happen for as long as it would last... I'd find a way to make it work, like I always did... I just had to... Because I didn't know what I'd do without them...