FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I shouldered my bag for the few steps it took me to trudge to the passenger door of Delana's car, her eyes tracking me impatiently through the rolled-down window, and even once I'd flopped down in the seat with my bag in my lap and my head hung down.

She finally huffed and put the car back in gear. "So why'd your boyfriend ditch you?"

The pain from the jab was pretty dull, even considering the irony. "He's hanging out with Angela."

"What, the dancer lioness?"

"Yuh."

"Are they dating?"

"I don't think it's official, but they might as well be."

"Wait, so did you break up with him?"

I snorted with no strength behind it. "Very funny." My hands limp between my knees.

"What? For once I'm serious. Were you guys actually not together?"

Finally real alarm bells began to sound. "Umm...it wasn't like that..."

"Oh come on, I'm not stupid, I saw the way he looked at you sometimes. He knew you worshipped him, and he loved it."

For about the eighth time today I was speechless for a little bit while I fumbled to reassess a total inversion of my reality. I finally sputtered, "HE looked at ME?"

Delana rolled her eyes as pulled to a stop and flicked on the turn signal, much too late to really warn anyone following her. "Are you really that much in denial about the whole thing?"

"I'm not the one who's--! What the hell are you talking about?!"

Cranking the car to the right, from the road that led from the high school to the highway, she sighed again. "I didn't know this was so touchy. Though I don't blame you for not making it official, Mom and Dad would freak the fuck out. Not to mention_Brad's_ parents...holy shit."

"Do you...really think so? I mean, Mom and Dad always kinda ignore me anyway..."

"Ignore you?!" She smacked the steering wheel with her palm. "Are you kidding, you're like the golden boy! You play even one sport, you're fine."

"But you get the good grades, and you have friends, you've had boyfriends...you're gonna be fucking salutatorian!"

"Well I'm the only girl among three boys, maybe I HAVE to do that stuff so I'm not completely ignored either!"

Neither of us spoke for a couple minutes then. I crossed my arms but didn't for a second move my stare from my feet and the bag between them.

I chipped at the vulnerable silence. "I guess we both feel pretty underappreciated at home, yeah?"

Delana actually laughed at that, if ruefully. "We're the middle kids. All the attention always goes to the oldest and the youngest."

"I hear that. Randall and Brian always seem like they get off easy."

"And don't even appreciate it. Fuckers!"

There was more silence, but we both were smiling.

"So, uh..." I ventured out again. "No one's supposed to know about anything with me and Brad, but...he's not...gay."

"What about you?"

I physically flinched.

"Relax, I'm not gonna tell anyone, especially Mom and Dad. Unless you wanna meet somebody, I'm sure some of my friends know some guys..."

"NO! I've had enough of...being set up. So..." I flinched again as an image of Rick, forgotten in the adrenaline and revelations of the car ride, flashed into my head, his body obscured by an intervening spray of water. I tried to push it away immediately, but...was it really unappealing, or just still surprising? "I guess I am, yeah."

"So you just hang out with Brad because he lets you blow him, right?" This time her tone was teasing and with a hint of a laugh in it.

I hung my head even more, sure my blush was visible through my pale fur.

Delana gasped, and then laughed. "No you didn't! Oh my god, I was totally joking! Ew, ew, ew!!!" She was still laughing though...and it seemed good-natured. "So, how does that even work? And wow, that must, uh, suck now that he's with Angela." She looked over at me, and my ears laid back almost flat and I looked straight into my lap, where my hands were slightly sweaty and resting awkwardly. "Do you...like him?"

I gulped and nodded. She saw it.

"Oh man. I didn't know it was that weird. I just thought you were both in on it. That's why I never went for him myself."

THAT snapped my attention to her, and I turned my head to her for the first time since getting in the car. "What?!"

"What can I say? I like big guys. Even ones with some obvious hormone problems..." Her thoughtful, sly look quickly turned to wide-eyed half-horror. "Wait, do I seriously have the same taste in guys as my brother?!"

I had to laugh, though it was a queasy one. My stomach felt light and my head was in a little rush. "Relax, it's not like I'm in-demand enough to be stealing anyone from anyone. Not like I'd do any of your nasty-ass exes anyway."

That gained me another eye-roll and a well-chosen single finger.

* * *

It's funny how quickly you get used to some really weird situations. After basically a week, I felt like I almost couldn't even remember a time when I hadn't blown my best friend a bunch of times and realized I liked him and then had to watch him schmooze with his new girlfriend. That weird stung feeling I had from still feeling a confusing affection for Brad hadn't gone away by that time, but it was barely novel anymore. That was my life now: shit I'm gay, fuck I like my friend, crap he's straight and is dating his dream girl.

It's also funny how quickly I stopped thinking of Brad in a wanting way, and started doing so in a possessive way. He was MY friend forever first, how could he not want me back? I made him cum three times, for fuck's sake. He owes me. Selfish thoughts like that always turn everything but you into objects, and having them made me forget or willfully ignore that feelings don't play by rules and especially romantic ones don't give a fuck what's fair or what other people "deserve". Sometimes now I think that all feelings surrounding love or lust are selfish at their core. Oh, that person is nice/hot/awesome. MINE. Be what I want you to be to me or I'm gonna be sad and pout about it and maybe cry. And for that bizarrely sociopathic way of looking at attraction to cancel itself out, it has to be mutual between two people. That way you both need each other...to feed each other's egos and your own. Ain't love grand?

Not that I stopped moping around long enough at the time to muse wisely on any of that. When you're in high school and you've convinced yourself that a person is all you want, pining for them miserably takes up all of your time and brainpower for awhile.