FSE

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formerly SoFurry search engine

It is said that television causes everything to appear bigger than it actually is, but Sir Flowless Fluke's mansion was so incredulously enormous that not even a 200-inch 8K television set could do it justice. Richard was mesmerized by its extravagant size and luxurious yet completely useless decorations when he arrived. To give one example, there was a giant gold statue of a duck on the entrance hall. And while Richard didn't doubt for a second that a statue made of gold was extremely valuable he had no idea what the duck was supposed to represent. Probably Sir Fluke didn't know either, he'd probably just won it in one of his betting games or something.

Actually, even though he had a "Sir" before his name Flowless Fluke wasn't born in the noblesse nor was he the son of a prestigious celebrity. In fact, he would never been able to amass such a fortune by himself as he was no entrepreneur and didn't want to become one. But Sir Fluke had been gifted with two very special abilities. The less interesting one of the two was that he always got dealt with the cards that he wanted. Literally. So obviously he'd never lost at Texas Hold'em in his entire life. Winning all the rounds was a breeze: to win at poker you need both luck and a straight face in equal parts, but if you have this flawless luck then it's surprisingly easy to keep your calm during the game.

That's how Sir Flowless Fluke got immensely rich, it had been all thanks to the betting scene. Lots of people, including Richard, doubted this so-called "perfect luck" of his was real. Sir Fluke was aware of this fact and even took advantage of it, challenging any non-believers to travel to his mansion and try to beat him in a game of Texas Hold'em... As long as they had something interesting to bid, of course. Apparently the golden duck statue was one of his latest "acquisitions".

The mansion had its own private poker palace where the betting games were held and its luxurious ancient Greek-style design would have left most of the casinos in Las Vegas in shame. When Richard arrived a tall man dressed in a black suit led him around and sat him on one of the tables, the one at the center of the room, and told him that the "Sir" would be here in just a few moments. Richard left his briefcase on the floor and looked around, he doubted any of the other tables were ever used. They were here just for show, to give the place a proper casino feel.

There were cameras placed all over the room, set to broadcast Fluke's victories for his own reality show. When Richard spotted them he got a little nervous. If he were to fail his failure would not only be seen by the live studio audience, it'd be broadcasted for all the world to see which would be very embarrassing to say the least.

"(But that would be the least of my problems)" He thought. "(I would lose my firm and all of my years of research would have been completely worthless.)" He began to reminisce about his first meeting with Sir Fluke a few days ago...

"So... *Doctor* Richard Ivory?", asked Flowless Fluke to the old man on comfy leather seat. "I have nothing against doc's, but I doubt you have anything worth my time."

Sir Fluke was, for the lack of a better term, handsome. He was in his mid-twenties and his curly shoulder-length hair was shiny and golden colored as if the bastard didn't own enough gold in his life already. He wasn't afraid to show the world that he was a multimillionaire: he always wore clothes handcrafted by famous fashion designers and abundant jewelry. Even the hairpins that decorated his silky hair had precious stones on them.

"But I already told you... The prototype is worth $3.6 million alone...Besides, our firm could really do with the publicity... Our investors are threatening us with closing down our operations and even..."

"I'll raise the bet." Said Sir Fluke matter-of-factly, already getting into his gaming mood.

The doctor didn't know how to respond. "Uh? I beg your pardon?"

"I don't want a measly prototype that won't even work. I want your entire research firm."

"Ah...I see. " Answered Richard. "Wait...WHAT?! But why?!"

"I'm already the CEO of fourteen enterprises, one more couldn't hurt." Said Sir Fluke as if he was talking about his stamp collection.

"That's completely crazy!... Yet if I don't...We'll go bankrupt in two months..."

"Besides, I'm already doing you a favor by accepting to play against your toy. It'll make my reality show lose some of its... credibility. It ain't a Sci-Fi show, you know?"

Richard had enough with this smug bastard's attitude, he wanted to show him the prototype wasn't a "toy". So in the heat of the moment, he saw the bastard's bet...

...And now he was lamenting his decision. Sure, the prototype was in a very advanced stage, but it wasn't designed to actually play card games! For fuck's sake, it was being originally developed to use in hospitals and schools for children with special needs! If the government had accepted to fund the project it would have been a great contribution to society, but no dice. It all had came down to this outrageous bet. Richard sighed.

The door slammed open, and Sir Flowless Fluke entered the mock-casino in all of his glory, wearing a flashy outfit and purple-tinted glasses.

"Are you ready to lose to the great...Ahh... ACHOOOOO!" Sir Flowless Fluke held his breath and pointed with his finger to one flower pots placed at the side of the entrance. "Who the hell put that thing in here?! I'm allergic to these!... Fuck! The incompetence, really! If we had been live my reputation would have been ruined with that humiliating sneeze..."

Two maids quickly entered the room and replaced the 'faulty' flower pot. When they were gone, a guy from the camera crew signaled 'OK' with his fingers and Fluke sat at the other end of the table where Richard was sweating profusely.

"You try anything funny during the live broadcast and I'll sue the shit outta you." Fluke warned Richard. The doctor gulped.

"Going live in 3, 2..."

Fluke looked straight at the camera and suddenly his face lost all traces of arrogance. He welcomed the audience to a new episode of his reality show. He spoke calmly and with education. He began with a recap of the previous week show, and reminded the viewers that they could rewatch them any time on his website or in any of the 30 over-the-air channels that he owned.

"Hey good to see you again doc, my old pal. So... Where's my adversary?"

Richard was somewhat taken aback by the rich man's personality change, but he remained calm. "It's right here." He said as he picked up the heavy briefcase on the floor. He put it on top of the table and input a passcode on a digital keypad. Sir Fluke was surprised when he saw the briefcase open by itself and what looked like a human skull pop out from it.

"Well, this is a prototype after all." Said Richard when everyone looked at the grim object with startled eyes. "Our designers are working on various models with fluffy skins, for example the other day my colleagues showed me a teddy bear design that looked very cute, children will love them..." He unsuccessfully tried to defend his product.

Red lights emanated from the skull's eyes. Its internal scanner was analyzing the whole room until it found the nearest face. Its eyes locked on Sir Fluke's.

"Woah, that's the creepiest thing I've ever seen!" The rich guy exclaimed losing his composure. "What the hell is it doing? Are those X-rays? Is it going to try to cheat by scanning my cards?"

"Of course not. This baby is only designed to recognize emotional responses." Said Richard petting the back of the deadly silver-colored skull as if it were a pet.

The Emote-Me (working title) is capable of analyzing even the slightest emotional outputs. It was originally developed for autism research, but Richard and his team had added the Texas Hold'em ruleset to its database for the purpose of this game.

"Heh. Mankind versus technology. The inevitable war." Said Fluke to himself. "I can already tell this is going to be a very interesting game."

A middle aged guy from the TV crew waved a "cheer" sign to the studio audience, who did just that. The game was on!

"...Okay...Your little toy has guts, I give you that." Admitted Fluke. The game had been going for twenty minutes already. The croupier had dealt the cards Fluke precisely needed, just like always. But the Emote-Me was predicting his every move.

"YOUR EYES DARTED AROUND FOR HALF A MILLISECOND." Said the mechanical and emotionless voice. "I'M IN."

"YOUR LIPS TWISTED TWO DEGREES. I'M OUT." The robotic skull declared.

"YOUR NOSE TWITCHED. I RAISE THE BET."

Bluffing to this machine just wasn't possible.

It was around the 30 minute mark and both players, the rich man and the creepy robot skull, still had most of their initial stake in chips. Most of Fluke's other matches were over in less than 10 minutes. Fluke was actually getting a little exhausted and yawned as the croupier dealt the river.

"FULL HOUSE. I WIN THIS ROUND."

"What the fuck?!" Shouted the rich man in an outroar. "That wasn't fair! I wasn't really paying attention!"

The nervousness Richard had been feeling at the start of the game had vanished. This was going to go much more smoothly than he thought.

Fluke's dignity had been stained. The rich man wanted to punch the emotionless robot in the face. He wasn't gonna let himself be humiliated on his own TV show this easily.

Then the proverbial light bulb shined on top of Fluke's head. He had a brilliant idea, he was going to win Richard at his own game.

The glamorous man wasn't bluffing when he said he was the CEO of fourteen different companies. He made a quick call to one of them during one of the commercial breaks and by the next round Fluke had on his hands a glass vessel connected by a tube to what looked to be a gas mask.

Richard was dumbfounded. "What the...? I thought I was the only one who was going to use a device during the match!"

Fluke waved his finger. "I raise the bet. My technology against yours. If I lose, you get three of my fourteen companies. If I win, apart from losing your firm you'll become my personal servant at my mansion." He gave out a chuckle. "That way you won't go into unemployment after I'm finished kicking your ass. Heh... I'm so charitable."

Richard was too deep in the game to back off now. "...I see your bet."

"Heh! I'll look forward to see your dorkface cleaning my toilet every morning."

The next round started and before long Fluke removed his purple glasses and put on the gas mask before the cards were dealt.

"Heh, foolish of him." Thought Richard. "The Emote-Me's scanners can see facial expressions through solid objects... That gas mask won't give him any advantage at all!"

But the next thing that happened took Richard by surprise. Fluke pressed a button on the glass vessel and the gas mask, or rather suction mask, began vibrating. A fleshy gooey liquid started flowing through the tube and filled the glass vessel a little bit.

"What the hell is that machine doing...?" Wondered Richard.

The face mask stopped vibrating and when Fluke removed it from his face, the audience gasped. One of the elders fainted. Richard wondered what the fuss was all about until Fluke turned to face him.

"Love my new poker face, Richard?" Flowless Fluke said.

Fluke's face was blank. It no longer had eyes, eyebrows, nose, or lips. His head was a fleshy mass of featureless skin adorned with a crown of golden hair. His voice came from a rigid, lipless mouth completely stuck on a grinning position.

"Holy shit..." Richard felt a sudden urge to puke out his breakfast when confronted by this sight. "(I expected Fluke wouldn't go down without a bang... But this is too much!)"

Fluke breathed through his lipless mouth and put on his purple glasses over his blank featureless face. "Hehehe, didn't expect that, didn't you? This little beauty can painlessly detach, compress and liquify flesh and organs until they are needed. Quite a medical breakthrough, don't you think?"

Richard wondered what was the medical finality of a machine with capabilities like those.

The croupier was creeped out by the living monster, but he dealt the next cards regardless. Without eyeballs, Fluke was obviously blind. So he had the assistant in the suit whisper into his ear what cards he was holding on his hands and which ones were being placed on the table.

The skull scanned the blank face in front of it, but it didn't find any facial expressions. The robot turned to Richard, unable to find anyone else on the table.

Richard was panicking. "Damn, maybe if I adjust its expression threshold..." The doctor pulled out his smartphone and adjusted his robot's settings.

"Yes! It appears to be working!" The doctor yelled as the robot turned towards Fluke once again.

"So it knows I'm here. Duh." Fluke mocked. "Not like it will be able to detect my emotions without any facial features. I have a real poker face. Hahaha!"

However, after a while...

"THE CHEEKS ON YOUR FACE TURNED SLIGHTLY REDDER. I RAISE."

"The fuck?!" Cried the rich man. "Well, if that's how you wanna play, I'll raise the stakes as well!"

Fluke put on the mask once again, but this time on top of his head. The glass vessel got filled with the hair from Fluke's head and more gooey flesh. Then the rich man removed the mask.

If Fluke looked freakish before, now it looked even more inhuman. The top half of his head had been removed. On top of his shoulders there was no head at all, there was only a bare neck with a small talking hole on top of it remained.

"Don't worry about my brain." Said the rich man to his fans. "This machine has compressed it without affecting its performance."

"(This guy is a real monster!)" Thought Richard. "(He'll do anything to win!)"

"So, Mr. Skull Face. How are you going to analyze me without a head at all?! I have the ultimate poker face of all right now: no face at all! Hahahaha!" Fluke laughed like a maniac through the hole on his neck.

The robot didn't flinch with his answer. "YOU SHOWED A NERVOUS TWITCH ON YOUR LEFT ARM. I RAISE."

"What?!" Fluke shrieked.

"That's right. The Emote-Me can also recognize body language." Richard explained. "Body language is very important as a social-"

"FUCK YOU!" The man without a head yelled. "Fuck you and your piece of shit robot! I have flawless luck! I'm not afraid to prove it!" Fluke grabbed the suction mask and put his left hand on it.

"There's no need to keep going with this!" Said Richard. Fluke already looked too grotesque. If he were to keep on using his compression machine, he'd...

"Seriously, just give up!" Richard pleaded. "Don't do this to yourself!"

But Fluke wasn't paying attention. He just wanted to humiliate the damn robot. He didn't care if he had to sacrifice his own body parts for it.

The left arm of Fluke's shirt now hung limply. The rich celebrity's limb now part of the fleshy goo floating inside the crystal container. It looked like a lava lamp made of human flesh and bone.

Fluke whispered something to his butler. The assistant's eyes widened when he heard his sir's request. "Are you completely sure?"

"Yes." Fluke answered.

The assistant seemed hesitant. But he knew better than to disobey the sir's orders. So he took hold of the suction cup and put it on Fluke's right hand.

Richard couldn't believe it. This dude was completely nuts! Who'd go for the trouble of losing both of his arms just to win a bet?! Was it honor? Or was it pure madness?

"Off with my legs, too." Fluke ordered to everyone's shock.

Fluke's butler first removed his master's shoes and socks. Then he removed Fluke's designer pants. The audience and the cameras took a good glance at Fluke's turquoise-colored briefs which were busy hugging a very impressive bulge.

The butler took hold of the suction cup and pressed it hard against Fluke's foot. The flesh melted away into goo and soon enough the only limb that remained on Fluke was his right leg.

But of course, his right leg was quick to go as well. When the butler finished, Fluke's underwear had nothing filling its holes but smooth flesh.

The crystal container was now almost full with Fluke's melted flesh.

Fluke's limbless body almost fell of the chair. The butler quickly hurried behind it and kept the human torso dressed with an expensive shirt and brightly colored underwear sitting still.

"C'mon! Give me your best shot! I have no face, no head, and not a single limb on me! It's impossible that you can read my thoughts like this!"

Richard was completely flabbergasted. So was the crew and the worldwide audience.

"Hahaha! C'mon, piece of junk!" Fluke mocked the robot, twisting his torso around in glee. He was excited for being finally able to win the bet.

The silver skull looked at the strange lifeform in front of it and tried its best to analyze it.

However, Fluke was so excited and beside himself that he didn't notice that his underwear, with no limbs to keep it in place, got loosened up and fell down to the floor, leaving his golden-haired crotch area exposed for everyone.

"YOUR GENITALIA IS BECOMING ERECT. I RAISE." The robot proclaimed.

A great silence filled the room. Fluke's torso froze in place, its pose still in the middle of a tiny victory dance. Millions of viewers all over the world were left with their mouths hanging open.

"...Off with my penis, too." Fluke ordered showing a hint of defeat in his voice.

"But sir...!" The butler said. "...Wouldn't the ratings board object to such a scene?"

"I own the ratings board, you silly fuck. Now get to it. And do it fast!"

The butler grabbed the suction cup with his left hand and stared at his sir's cock.

"Do it!" Fluke firmly repeated his order. "And doc, don't even think about walking away. I want you to see how I publicly humiliate your shitty robot all over the world!"

Richard thought that having your own genitals emasculated during a live TV broadcast was the very definition of public humiliation but the monster formerly known as Flowless Fluke sounded so menacing that the doctor didn't dare to mutter a comeback.

Unfortunately for Fluke, his enormous erection didn't seem to go down. The torso cried out a shriek when his trusty butler took hold of his huge boner with a tight grip.

"Are you sure, sir?" The butler said coldly as his left hand squeezed the only proper head remaining on the the torso's body.

"O-of course! Just do it already!" Fluke tried his best to sound confident.

The butler didn't show any emotion, he just pressed the cup tightly on Fluke's huge erected cock and balls. The machine began to vibrate and Fluke moaned in a mixture of fear and pleasure as his lifelong best friend was melted away into nothing.

The goo container was now full with Fluke's body parts. "O-okay..." Fluke's voice was quivering. "That's it, there's no more. There's absolutely no way you can read my mind now! Heh...Heheheheh!" Fluke proclaimed. His crotch was still hairy, but there was no trace of his cock or his balls. There was only a sweaty smooth patch of flesh instead of his maleness.

It was a pitiful sight. Where once stood a man now stood a designer suit barely covering a human torso. Could you even call something like that a human being? Fluke's mind was losing its sanity and his silly sense of pride was fully at fault.

And still, the robot didn't show any compassion when it said: "YOUR SKIN IS SEGREGATING A HUGE AMOUNT OF SWEAT. YOUR VOICE IS STUTTERING. I RISE."

The torso screamed in utter frustration.

"FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! That's it! I'm all-in!"

Fluke whispered his last orders to his butler.

"But...!" The butler cried out in surprise when he heard the order.

"Do it, fucker! Or do you want me to cancel your holiday trip to Hawaii?!"

He didn't agree with the idea at all but the butler was paid to obey orders, not question them. The huge man in a black suit grabbed the suction cup one last time.

"No, please, stop!" Richard yelled. "I give up, you win! I don't care anymore!"

"This is not about you, dorkface!" The torso without a face protested. "This is between the piece of scrap metal and me! I'd rather do this than lose my streak record and live with shame for the rest of my life! I'll show you all what I'm truly capable of!"

The butler grabbed his amputated master and placed it on top of the betting table. He first unbuttoned the torso's designer shirt and removed it, leaving Fluke's golden and curly chest hair and abdomen exposed to everyone. It was not unlike removing the wrapper of a processed piece of meat from the supermarket you were about to slice away into tiny pieces.

The butler began the process by suctioning the neck, leaving the creature unable to speak anymore. Before his mouth-hole was sucked away, Fluke muttered his last words to himself: "Fuck you, everyone."

Then the butler continued by suctioning the torso bit by bit. His hairy chest disappeared breast by breast, all skin, bones and organs that were in the way disappearing. Gone was his heart, his lungs, his buttocks, his pancreas, his navel, his liver,, his small intestine, his stomach... Soon it had all been melted away into goo.

Drying the sweat off from his face and feeling strangely pleased by his handiwork, the butler stood away from his master and let everyone take a closer look at what remained of Flowless Fluke.

"There's nothing left!" Richard exclaimed. "He's... gone!"

The butler looked disappointed at the doctor. "I think you should take a closer look."

Richard blinked a few times. There wasn't anyone in front of him...! Wait, what was that? He had to take out his glasses in order to finally see the thing on top of the table.

"It's... a piece of red string?" Richard hadn't ever seen anything like it. "No, wait, it's thick like a huge tube and... it's breathing?!"

The fleshy reddish brown thing became untangled and spasmed over the table. It was moving and jerking itself around like a red snake. It didn't look like just a huge red tube, however. At one end there was a hole. At the opposite end it had a small tail that dangled freely. Its middle body was irregular and full of small bumps on its skin.

"That's... That's Fluke...?" Exclaimed Richard in genuine awe. The creature was bizarre and surreal but it was extremely disgusting-looking for some reason.

The red snake slithered over the table. It was a blind creature trying to find its way in the world. The doctor still couldn't believe the thing was Fluke, the eccentric millionaire.

The butler grabbed the reddish snake and carefully placed near its cards in a way that its hole was directly looking at Richard.

The mysterious, maybe even kind of majestic, sentient creature glanced directly into Richard's eyes. All cameras and mics were pointed at Fluke, expecting his first words as a newfound lifeform. Fluke's hole pried itself wide open and said:

"Poot."

"Uh?" Richard was dumbstruck. It sounded (and smelled!) like a fart. Why would an alien creature like this make such a sound?

"Sir Fluke is ready to challenge its opponent." The butler announced. Everyone looked confused. "Oh, I should explain. A dry poot means 'yes'. Two in quick succession mean 'no'."

"But... I still don't understand. Why is this fascinating creature communicating with farts?"

The butler looked at the doctor with a confused look. "I thought you were a doctor? This is no creature. It's Flowless Fluke's large intestine."

Richard's mouth was left hanging low. Gasps and puking sounds could be heard coming from the live audience.

"It's also known as large bowel or colon. This hole is Fluke's anus, this over here is his rectum... Oh, and this little thing?" He said pointing at the small tail in the other end that the colon shaked around like he was a rattlesnake. "That's his appendix."

Sir Fluke had been gifted with two very special abilities. The less interesting one of the two was that he always got dealt with the cards that he wanted. But much more interesting was his ability to fart on command at all times. Back in college Fluke had been the life of the parties thanks to his farting abilities but now that he had become an international superstar his buttcheeks had been mostly silent over the years.

The robot skull scanned the area but as it couldn't find any sort of human rival it refused to play its cards. The butler however thought up a solution for this. He placed Flowless Fluke's purple glasses above the colon's rectum and the robot assumed the glasses were being worn by a human being.

The poker game between the robot and the colon wearing purple glasses resumed. The croupier dealt the next cards and the colon farted once.

"He's in." Said the butler.

The cameras turned over to the robot, which was still processing his next move.

"ERROR: EMOTIONAL STATE NOT FOUND. DEFAULTING TO RANDOM ACTIONS... I'M IN."

The colon farted with glee. The butler revealed the colon's cards and there were two aces. The robot had a pair of fives. Richard didn't even need to look at the croupier's hand to see who had won this round.

Richard couldn't believe it. It had cost Fluke a lot of dignity but Richard's robot was losing. It was over. The robot wasn't programmed to analyze farts and literal bowel movements!

After a few rounds the robot had practically lost all of its money.

"ERROR: EMOTIONAL STATE NOT FOUND. DEFAULTING TO RANDOM ACTIONS... I'M ALL-IN."

"What?! All-in?! But Fluke's hand is obviously...!" Richard protested to no avail as the robot handed over all of its remaining chips.

"No! How could I lose to something like that?!" The doctor screamed pointing at the pile of bowels on the table.

That was it. Richard had lost. He was flabbergasted. He shouldn't had accepted this bet.

The sentient colon danced and farted all over the place in excitement. Richard looked at Fluke's victory dance with teary eyes.

Fluke's show ended soon after. The colon motioned for his butler to reverse the compression process. It was yearning to be able to say 'I told you I'd win, motherfucker' to Richard with his human voice.

The butler programmed the compression machine to operate in reverse mode. He put the suction cup over the colon's anus and activated it...

...But nothing happened.

Fluke farted with confusion. Why weren't his melted body parts coming back?

"Uh... Sir?" His butler said after returning from a short absence.

The colon farted once.

"I've been checking the recordings from the show and I'm afraid I have some bad news to report."

It farted once more, wanting to get over it real fast and recover his human body.

"...Er... Well... There appeared a crack on the container containing your melted human parts."

Fluke gave a quick fart. As if saying, "And so?". He really wanted his body parts back. He didn't care about a tiny dent on a crystal container.

"...And well, the crack seemed to appear a few rounds ago, back when I finished compressing your legs. Apparently the container was almost completely filled up back then. Funny thing is, yet another crack appeared when I compressed your cock and balls."

The colon's anus stared at the butler with a confused look.

"...Oh! And you're really going to laugh at this, but when I compressed your left breast, a *third* crack appeared on its surface! And when about when I finished compressing your right nipple, that's about when a *fourth* crack appeared! Hahaha..."

The colon farted deeply. "Get to the point." It was saying.

"Well... Right about when the fifth crack appeared, the container kind of... exploded." The butler explained. "Bam!" He gestured with his hands even though he knew Fluke was blind. "Apparently it was over-capacity and... Well... Your liquefied body parts may kind of have been absorbed by the carpet... Then the cleaning drone came and cleaned it all up mistaking it for a spilled drink... And the drone's contents have already been flushed down the toilet."

Fluke's anus was wide open. He expected his butler to say that it was all a joke, but as much as he waited, the butler didn't say any punchline.

"Your body is... gone."

"Poot-poot!" The colon screamed. "Poot-poot! Poot-poot! POOT-POOT!"

Richard was about to leave the majestic mansion. He opened the door of his car and got seated but he wasn't able to turn the ignition on.

He was dead inside.

The doctor couldn't believe all his years of research had been taken away like that. He imagined Fluke, surely his human self once more, laughing at his expense. Who knows what the bastard would do with his recently-acquisited research firm.

Just then, he heard a knock on the car window. It was the butler in a black suit from before. He lowered the window.

"What is it?" Richard asked.

"I'm off to Hawaii!" The butler said with a wide smile.

"...Uh?"

"And I'm thinking about turning it into a one way trip. Being practically an eccentric multi millionaire's slave is so very tiring!... Which reminds me, you do remember that you agreed to be Sir Flowless Fluke's personal assistant if you lost the bet, don't you?"

Richard's head limped down in defeat. "Yeah, I do."

"Then here, he's all yours." The butler opened his jacket and from it he took out a very familiar-looking colon.

"...What the fuck?!" Richard screamed when he felt the fleshy colon being dumped on him.

"Poot-poot! Poot-poot!" The colon farted in disagreement with the whole situation.

Richard glanced at the butler, but when he did the butler was already heading off into the distance.

"Take good care of the sir! But take note, he's not potty-trained!"