FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

I hope, dear reader that you do not take offense to anything that you read in the following paragraphs. For this is a true story about events taking place in my life and a great majority of you may be disgusted or angry with what you are about to read. I imagine that on the other end of that spectrum there may be a small number of you that will be sympathetic... What I am about to say may ruin what little reputation and following I might have. However, I have no other way to express my feelings and more than that, I'm am left with no way to communicate these feelings to the person that they are for. While you may take enjoyment from the prose to follow, and I am fine with that, this story is not for you. I must selfishly admit that this story is born out of my own love, sadness and determination for my puppy... Conan. But even if this story wasn't written for you, I can't start you off in the middle of the story with no character build up.

My name, my REAL name is Jason. I was born to loving parents, a she wolf named Connie and a black German Shepard named James, which cared for me every day of my life. Until one day they couldn't protect me... The darkest moment in my childhood, being raped and beaten by a member of my own family. They did their best to make up for it throughout the rest of my childhood and up to this very day. But that event... scarred me in multiple ways, primary of which is that I have never been comfortable forging relationships with new people. How could I ever trust someone I didn't even know when a member of my own family had defiled me?

So as you may have guessed, I have always been a little socially awkward, actually going out and meeting someone in person has always been hard for me. That became even harder when I got older and hormones started raging in my teen years. Those years were mainly filled with frustration, suspicion, longing and a lot of confusion. I wanted to be close to someone in a romantic way, but every time I tried... I was overcome with anxiety and it would all fall through.

When I became a freshman, my high school made it clear that we would be needing computers at home and my parents finally broke down and bought one. This opened up all kinds of avenues for me and one of the first things I did was post some of my writing and drawings on an art site and people liked it. I was filled with self-confidence for the first time and I craved more. I joined other sites and entered chatrooms. I made friends and connections for the first time and was comfortable sharing talking to these people who might be just like me. And then, late one night as everyone was asleep I found an ad and clicked...

Online dating was the greatest discovery I could've ever made. While I had trouble talking to new people in real life, I was far more comfortable writing to someone and expressing myself that way. Online, I could let my barriers down... I could let someone get to know the real me without worrying about my own self-conscious behaviors getting in the way and messing things up.

Of course, you can only do so much online before you finally have to meet the person that you've been talking to, especially if you want to be in a real relationship with them. Eventually you agree to meet and have your first real date, but by that time you pretty much already know everything about the other person and the first date doesn't feel so awkward. The date goes one way or another and you either have a second date or you don't.

I started doing that when I was 18 and I've continued up to this point... I'm 27 now. I've enjoyed talking to lots of people online, others not so much. And I've forged some memorable relationships and admittedly a couple that I'd rather forget. It was after one of the relationships that I would rather forget about that I met him. Not my puppy... but my husband.

Back when Myspace was still a site for social media, I received an odd message from someone I had never met.

"Hello my name is Zeke. I don't normally do things like this and I imagine you won't message me back, but I was looking at you profile and I think you seem like an interesting guy and your also really cute. So, if you want to get to know me, message me back or not, either way no worries."

So, I checked out his profile and he seemed nice and after what I had been though I could use a nice guy. So what did I have to lose?

"Hello Zeke, my name is Jason and it is nice to meet you. Thank you for calling me cute! You're pretty cute yourself and I don't have any problems getting to know you a little better and seeing where things go from there. So I look forward to hearing back from you. Tag! You're it!"

We talked for about a month before we finally decided to meet and our first date was awful. The place we were supposed to meet at for lunch wasn't even open yet so we ate at Burger King... and he looked at the wrong time for the movie we were supposed to see and missed that too. It was a less than stellar day all around and I wasn't sure if I would be interested in a second date or not. A couple days later, I had just been told that they were cutting back at the bookshop I worked at and my ex had contacted me saying some very hurtful things. I decided that I needed someone that I could rely on, someone that could make me feel better.

I called Zeke and asked if I could see him and despite how badly our first date went, he came. He drove an hour to see me and got lost in the process... when he did finally get to my apartment it was really late. We watched a movie and then I kissed him, this guy that seemed to like me for some reason. This guy that was so nice to me even though he hadn't known me very long and right at the turn of midnight, I asked him if he would be my boyfriend. He said yes and we have been together ever since. A month later, right before Christmas, I asked him to marry me and again he said yes. That summer, we moved in together and started a new life with one another. 2 years into this wonderful relationship something was brought up, jokingly at first... but it would turn into something far more interesting.

"Have you... ever thought about having a three way?" Zeke asked.

"Yeah, I've thought about it. But the actually application has always eluded me." I said with a chuckle.

"I'm being serious." Zeke says with a straight face, which was nearly impossible.

"Well, yeah." I say as I turn towards him, "But you know how I am. It takes an awful lot for me to trust someone and that is one thing that I feel I have to have complete trust in the other person to do. I've never just had casual sex with someone... It's always been someone that I'm in a relationship with."

"Would you consider it with me?" He asked as his eyes locked with mine.

"Are you... not happy with me?" I asked as my heart sank and tears began to swell, "We can talk to someone if you think that will help or we can try some different things to spice it up..."

"It's nothing like that." He says as he puts his paw on mine, "I love you completely, I really do. It's just something I want to try, we won't do anything if you don't want to. I just wanted to talk to you about it."

"It's... something that I would have to think about." And I did, for about three months before I told him that I was ready to talk about it again.

"The only way I think I could have sex with someone... is if I was in a relationship with them." I said nervously.

"It's okay Jason," he says with a smile, "It was just a question and I really am happy with just you."

"I'm not finished..." I say with a shaky sigh, "I think I could have a three way... but I would want us to have the same kind of relationship with that person that you and I do now."

"I..." Zeke scratched his chin for a moment, "I think I would like that. I agree that we shouldn't just do it with some random person and that it should be someone that we trust. And honestly, if it was someone that we loved that would make it even better."

About a year later, we ended up with our first boyfriend. It didn't end well, neither did the second or third. There were a few "pets" thrown in there as well... Six years of us being polyamorous and all we had to show for it were 3 exes and 2 former pets, not that all of that had been bad. Some of it... maybe more than some, had been very meaningful and we would always remember that. After the last boyfriend, we decided to take things easy for a while, but we did leave things open for us to have a pet for roleplaying if we wanted too... and that's how I met Conan.

I had just signed up on sofurry and was honestly doing well with my stories, which were mostly adult in nature. People seemed to be enjoying them and I had a good schedule worked out to keep things flowing. I was really happy with that and I had even started rping with a few people via PM and all that seemed to be going well. (While on the subject, thank all of you for that, and you know who you are. It really helped me develop some ideas for my stories and helped me realize some different writing styles that I found interesting.) One night, I was browsing through some ads and I saw some people looking for masters and or pets. So I decided that I might message one and what ever happened, happened... but I didn't expect any of this.

His ad was... small. Not a lot to go on, just the basics. It was simple and to the point and there wasn't a lot to go on but something kept grabbing my attention and dragging it back to him. I checked out his profile and he seemed interesting so I thought why not? I introduced myself and asked if he was still looking for a master. He messaged me back and he was still looking for a master. He was very polite in his introduction, which gave him extra bonus points.

We continued messaging each other back and forth for a while, he loved reading and sci-fi, he liked history and biology. He was interested in socio-political activism. He liked star trek and cartoons. He was funny and smart, and had very strong opinions about the world. He was... a lot like me and in just a few short messages, I found myself enthralled by him. This is also asked a question and what I did, rather what I didn't do might lose or anger some of you.

"So are you working or in school?" I had concluded one message.

"I'm a sophomore in high school." He had replied.

I froze as I read it... then I read it about ten more times. High school? Was this some sort of cosmic joke? The words burned into my eyes and I started thinking things through in my head. What would that make him, 16 or 17? Both still technically in the danger zone... and not something that I had EVER thought about in the past. Hell, I considered a five years difference to be a stretch for me and this would've been 11 and also illegal and the stigma around it was so potent. Not to mention, Zeke and I wanted to adopt and if something like this was found out... we would lose any future in which we might have children... I sighed sadly as I told myself that I had to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore, but then I stopped.

"Grandma and Grandpa..." I said aloud. It's not something that happens today, especially in this country. My grandparents met because my great grandparents were friends. My grandmother was 4 and my grandfather was 15 when they first met... Grandma says that she was starring at a rose bush. At the very top, higher than anyone could reach was a perfect rose.

"That's a might pretty flower." Grandpa said as he leaned against the side of a tree, "Do you want me to get that for you?"

"Uh huh" Grandma said as all kids do when they want something.

She says that grandpa pulled out a six shooter with a pearl handle and shot the flower off the stem. The sudden bang frightened her and she covered her ears and shut her eyes. When she opened her eyes, he kneeled down and was holding the flower right in front of her. He had jet back fur that shined in the light and blue eyes that sparkled, and a crooked smile that all bad boys seem to have. She took the flower and smiled at him.

"I don't remember you from our last visit." He said as he holstered his gun, "What's your name?"

"Imogene sir." She said shyly, "Daddy said your name is Harold."

"Yeah..." He grimaced, "Please, call me Leo. It's my middle name."

"What's a middle name?" Grandma asked curious.

"HA!" Grandpa laughed at her, "It's the name they put in between your first and last name."

"I don't have one of those." She said with a frown.

"How about... rose?" He said as he brushed some straw off her shoulder, "Because you're as pretty as one."

"I am?" She asked wide eyed.

"Very." He chuckled, "My dad says I need to find a wife soon... but I don't really think I want one just yet. There's so much I want to see and do. But if you'd like, when you're all grown up I'll come back and marry you."

There were a lot of details, including World War 2, that happened in between that day and when they were finally married. But eventually, they were married and they were fairly happy together and stayed that way up until the day my grandpa died. The last thing that my grandpa heard was

"Leo... you know I love you. I've loved you since I was 4 years old and I'll continue to love you until the day I die."

Two vastly different situations, in two very different times... but just how different were they? How different were we? Could I be denying myself and Conan something very special and meaningful because of a stigma? When I was his age wasn't I thinking the same things? Is it worth risking everything? If I leave, what's to stop someone else, someone worse than me? Why am I even thinking of this? What is this feeling?

Can I... even leave him?

"My condolences. I do not miss high school in the least." Was what I typed back...

I continued talking with him undeterred, even though I knew the risks and knew what we would be up against. Each second, I was climbing higher and higher and I knew that once I reached a certain point I might not be able to climb back down and once I got there... I might not even want to. The question changed from, what am I doing, to do I even care about the consequences? Eventually, I stopped asking myself that question. I became his "master" and he became my "pet"

I enjoyed our conversations and looked forward to them every day. He was a very special guy; smart and intuitive, caring and funny, he had so much to offer and for some reason... he felt the same way about me. We talked about my work and his school, what we were reading at the moment, fun youtube videos we saw, about our families, we talked about when we'd eventually meet and what we'd do... we talked about sex and we did roleplay. But there were lines that weren't crossed. I never sent him any lewd pictures and I never asked for any in return and we both agreed that we wouldn't meet until it was actually legal for us to do so and I also told him that the first time we met, would be just that. I didn't want him to feel like I was just using him for sex because I wasn't... as the month had progressed I had developed very strong feelings for him.

Then while we were texting one day, it happened...

"I want to say something, but I don't want things to get weird after." He had said

"Oh? And what might that be?" I asked

"I wuv you master." He typed.

I smiled widely and my heart beat faster as a warm, tingling feeling creeped all along my spine. I was so happy... and I felt the same way.

"It's okay, you can say it. And I love you too Conan" I said expectantly.

"I love you so much Jason!" I heard the words in my head as I read them and I hugged myself like some teenage girls would.

I had kept Zeke informed on everything as it happened so far, but this was one thing I was unsure as to how he would react. He trusted my judgement, but he wasn't exactly thrilled that I was talking to a 16 year old... just how would this part go over?

"He said what?' He said as he starred at me

"He said that he loved me," I say as I show him our texts, "And I said it back..."

"What are you doing?" He asked as he shook his head, "I've been patient with this whole thing, but this is getting dangerous. What if his parents find out? You think they're going to be cool with this?"

"He'll be the legal age of consent in a few months..." I said in defense, "Besides, we haven't done anything prison worthy."

"If you two have sexted, then yes you have." He glares at me shaking, his blue tail twitching furiously, "It's enough to put a black mark on your record forever and it would be just enough to keep us from being allowed to have kids."

"I KNOW THAT!" I yell as I burst into tears, "You're talking like I don't know all of this already but I do! But I can't help it... I do love him and you know how seriously I take that statement and I wouldn't just say it to anyone."

I sob into the silence for a few minutes before I feel his arms around me and he holds me tight. My arms slide around him as I cry into his shoulder and he shushes me as he pets me gently.

"This kid must be pretty special if it has you like this." He says quietly.

"He is... and I think you would agree if you talked with him too." I say as I wipe my eyes.

"I don't know..." He says as the looks to the floor.

"Zeke, we could go on a hundred dates with hundred guys and we wouldn't someone that would fit with us like he will." I say as I grip his shoulders, "He's the perfect match for us. So what if there's an age difference? It feels like he was made to be with us, his personality fits perfectly between us."

"Okay... I'll talk to him." Zeke says with a sigh, "JUST talk. And you know how this works. If we can't do this together, if we can't agree, then that's the end of it."

After some time had passed, Zeke was talking with me one night.

"So how have things been going between you and Conan?" I ask

"Good I think." He says with a small smile, "We don't talk as much as the two of you do, but that's kind of my fault."

"You don't like him?" I ask as I tilt my head.

"I do actually." He says as he raises his head, "It's just scary. Not just that he's so young... but you were right. The only thing he wants from us... is us. He really is a perfect fit."

"He likes you a lot too..." I said as I smiled at Zeke, "You shouldn't hold yourself back."

"I have to." He says with a laugh, "I can't let myself fall as easily as you did. Besides, I'm still dealing with some old feelings with our ex. I just need a little time to get over that and get to know Conan better."

"That's fair enough husband." I said as I gave him as kiss.

Things progressed wonderfully and as the saying goes, the more things changed, the more they stayed the same. I still looked forward to hearing from him every day, still wanted to hear about his day and what was going on in his life. We added other things to our lives though, we started watching movies together via Netflix and watching things on Youtube that we thought the other would like. I told him that I thought it was a good idea to tell his parents, because it's better to be told that you're doing something than to be found out that you're doing something and that led us to another thought. We started planning for the future as well, not just about what we would do once we were able to start dating but if he would move in, if he wanted kids, if he would maybe consider having a commitment ceremony with us... to which he said would if he was asked. He didn't know this at the time, but as soon he told me that I bought a ring for him. Things were going so well... so well... until that day.

June 15thstarted off like so many other days for us. I had woken up and the first thing that I did was text him. I went downstairs and waited for him to text back which didn't take long. We talked for a while, and admittedly sexted for a while and then we went right back to just talking. We decided to watch a movie on Netflix, 13 Cameras, and we texted about it the whole time about how the characters were being stupid, gross things that the bad guy was doing, how the husband was an absolute dick. But it was a little creepy and it did put both of us off a little. To get our minds off of it we decided to watch Nostalgia Critic on youtube.

We watched his review of Balto and then Alien vs. Predator and found both of them funny and enjoyable. I told him after that I had to take a shower and get ready for work as I was closing that night. My phone goes off in the shower and I assume its him, so I finish up as quick as I can and sure enough, my phone is lit up saying that Conan had texted me. I hit the button to look at the text and my world shatters.

"Your pet is 15 and this is his mother. You'd better not contact him again or I'll call the police on you."

I read that text a thousand times as I sat in the bathroom floor and cried. 15... had he lied about it or was it simply a mistake by a very angry, upset mother? He had said he was 16... that he was going to be 17 soon. Not that it really mattered to a mother who was trying to protect her son from someone that might be very dangerous... I'd probably do the same thing so I couldn't blame her. And even if he had lied about his age, it wasn't like I didn't know what I was getting in to so I couldn't be mad at him. I get dressed, still wet and walk out of the house to my car. I call work to let them know I'll be a half hour late and then I scream as loud as I can, so loud that it hurts and I cry some more as I pull out of our lot and start my agonizing drive to work. The night passes slowly and at several points I lock myself in the office and cry some more.

What else could I do? Even if I tried to contact him, what would it solve? And then his mother would be well within her rights to contact the police and I would deserve to go to jail. She gave me a warning and I wasn't going to break that small amount of trust she had given me to do the right thing. Besides, if I went to jail who would that help? So I went through the rest of my night miserable until we closed. I locked the bar up and walked to my car, calling Zeke to give him a heads up.

"Hey..." I sniveled, "I wouldn't text Conan if I were you."

"What's wrong?" He asks concerned.

"His mom found out..." I sobbed into the phone.

I don't remember what Zeke said at that point and the rest of what I said was unintelligible so I just hung up and ran to my car. I sped home and burst through the door. Zeke is waiting for me and I tackle hug him and cry some more. He does his best to comfort me and I do my best to get things under control. He sits me down and rubs my shoulders and I decide to check my work emails because what else can I do right now. But my work email isn't up... it's my private email and there is a message from him. Zeke inhales deeply when he sees it and my eyes widen as I open it.

"I'm very sorry for disappearing on you my phone got taken away. But now my mom knows about us and she doesn't want us to talk anymore but I'll try to convince her. You're probably asleep right now but I love you and don't worry she'll have to take you away from me over my dead body."

"Jason..." Zeke says after I stare at it for a while, "Oh god, Jason, its okay."

"How?" I ask with tears in my eyes, ""How is any of this okay?" I say as I get up and walk to the kitchen. I open the fridge door and pull out a bottle of whiskey, opening it for the first time and taking a few drinks.

"Jason!" Zeke exclaims with shock, "Stop! You think that's what he wants?"

"I doubt it." I say as I grimace before taking another drink, "But people seem to think this helps. I see it enough at work."

"Yeah, well you know it doesn't." He says sternly as he crosses his arms.

"What else can I do?!" I ask with an angry laugh.

"If he means that much to you," He starts as he clenches his fists, "Then just wait. Would that be so bad? If Conan loves you and you love him just wait the 2 years and then try again."

"WAIT?!?" I yelled, "How would you have felt if we were separated for 2 or 3 years? Would you have waited for me or would you have left? What if he decides to hurt himself because we can't talk?! I couldn't live with myself!"

"I don't think he would do that..." Zeke says as he rubs his arm, "You're thinking about the worst possible thing. He's a strong guy."

"You're probably right..." I said as I drank some more, "But right now... I don't really think there's anything that you can say to help."

Zeke shakes his head and goes downstairs to his office and I stand there feeling like a jerk. His dad was an alcoholic and here I am chugging whiskey and making an ass of myself. He saw enough of that growing up, he didn't need it from me now. I drink more of the bottle and get about half way through when I decide I have to say something. So I say it here, the place where we met. I go back to the messages that we started 2 months ago and do what I probably shouldn't have and broke what little trust I was given...

"She said that she would call the police if I contacted you. And maybe she'll see this and I'll be behind bars soon enough. She said you were actually 15 and I didn't know what to think or feel. But I love you... and I'll wait for 2 or 3 years if I have too or longer even. All I know is that I have felt like there is a knife in my stomach ever since then. I wasn't asleep, but I just killed a bottle of whiskey and I'm probably going to start on something else because I don't know what else to do. I DON"T want to lose you... If you think you can talk to her and convince her to let us keep talking than go for it. If she wants me to talk to her, I'll do it. I'll do whatever it takes puppy. If not... my number won't change and I'll wait for you for years to call if I have too."

And that brings us to this story... 6 days have passed since this incident and I still feel like crap. I expect to for a very long time. But the purpose of this story, the reason for all of this is because I wanted Conan to know what happened. I wanted him to know... That I will wait. Zeke was right and I have apologized told him was right since then.

Conan, you and Zeke are the only two people that I would do anything for and that includes waiting to be with you. I will wait for two years and many more if I have too. As I said puppy... my number will not change and I will be here when you are able to contact me again. I love you very much Puppy and I hope you see this. I dream about the day we can talk again and look forward to catching up on all the things we missed...

*Legal Limits will continue as long as I am tempted and dealing with all of these feelings and also, will hopefully keep my puppy apprised to everything that is going on with me. As for the rest of you, I hope you may have found some enjoyment from this and if you didn't, oh well. Call me what you will but regardless of how you feel about this, it is genuine and good and worth any flak I may receive.*