Lone Tiger: Part One by TheMightyKhan

Lone Tiger: Part One

TheMightyKhan, Abuse, Alcohol, Alcoholism, American, Anger, Blond, Cub, Dark, Death, Depression, Drugs, Extreme, Father, Fear, Feline, Hate, Highschool, Japanese, Kids, Love, M/F, Modern, Mother, Pain, Rage, Realistic, Romance, School, Shooting, Snow Leopard, Solitude, Sorrow, Suicide, Teacher, Teen, Teenager, Teenagers, Tiger, Tragedy, Ukraine, Violence, Violent, Young, Young Love, Young Romance, agony, alcoholic, alone, america, black metal, blonde, columbine, cutting, darkness, guilt, loneliness, loss, rob lee, russian, self-mutiliatn, suicidal, ukrainian, virginia tech

#1 of Lone Tiger

The introduction to Lone Tiger. Released 4/20/2009.

Lone Tiger: Part One

(This story is not sexually explicit; however, it's not recommended for children. Adult themes, foul language, violence, and other inappropriate material may be present throughout, so read at your own discretion. The author will not be held responsible for a lack of responsibility on the reader's part.

No one is allowed to take credit for this work apart from me. If you want to use it somehow, I would appreciate it if you were to get in touch with me first.)

(This story is quite sad, disturbing and dark, so if you're in the mood for something uplifting and happy-smiley, I do _not_suggest reading the entire thing.

Now, I won't give away the story, but the very nature of the topic is highly controversial and terrorizing. Furthermore, I will write this piece in a very persuasive manner indeed--so let me make it clear right now that this piece is _not_designed to inspire violence, and that I do not condone or support the actions of the main character. In fact, I think I'm writing this because... nah, I'll keep that to myself for now.

Anyway, this story is set in high school, in modern-day America. If you're into stories about teenagers, romance, sorrow, loss and stuff like that, this is for you, if you can take it. It's not depressing the whole way through, so don't worry--you will, I hope, be taken on quite the emotional roller coaster ride. But you should know that there is intense, brutal violence toward the end of the piece. It can be skipped without destroying the point of the story, but I suggest taking the bad with the good.

You'll have to let your imagination wander a bit on this one. It's not any kind of stream-of-consciousness crap, but you do have to read between the lines a bit to really _get_the piece--I'm not going to spoon feed you every little event or detail. With that said, I think you'll find that the images you draw in your mind are superior to anything I could draw for you.

I don't think there's much more to say here... so, seatbelts, everyone. Let's rock and roll.)

(Above was the original introduction to Lone Tiger. Here is the revised introduction.

Pretty much all of the above applies, but bear in mind that there are now two endings. After months of reflection, planning, and dreaming, I decided that the original ending may not be as true to the spirit of Lone Tiger as the revised ending. Now, I could never bring myself to destroy the original ending, but I do think reading the revised ending will give you a much clearer view of the thoughts and emotions I hope to create with this piece.

I therefore suggest reading Lone Tiger with its original ending first, and then, after a few days, weeks, or months, re-read Lone Tiger with its revised ending. I do _not_suggest reading Lone Tiger with its revised ending first. If you do that, you may as well not read the original ending until you've completely forgotten about this piece.

I think that's all that needs to be said. So, here you are... the introduction to Lone Tiger.)

Suggested Music: Marilyn Manson: The Death Song, Better of Two Evils, The Last Day on Earth, Mechanical Animals, Sweet Dreams, The Nobodies, Lunchbox; Rammstein: Ich Will, Nebel, Spieluhr, Adios

Suggested Drinks: Water, vodka, oversweet coffee, soda, energy drinks

Suggested Eats: Slim Jims, Poptarts, cold cut sandwiches, pizza, Doritos, Cheetos, Fritos, and any other manner of the nasty snack/junk foods that high school students eat

Suggested Smokes: Don't smoke! It's bad for you!

Log Book for 2009

If found, please return to: Alexander Rindenko

1/02/09

"But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers is I'm the only one!"

God, I hate that line. I've heard since kindergarten, at least once a week. It pisses me the fuck off--it's not even funny anymore. Is it really that hard to tell that I realize that I'm sort of a loner? I don't see why some people get off on saying it again and again and again. Strangest damn thing, I swear...

It was sort of a weird day today. You could kind of tell that everyone was tired and still in vacation mode... no one really wanted to be there. But this is school, so what the Hell else is new?

It's a new year and all, but no one changed a damn bit. Mom and Dad tried to get me to make resolutions, but I told them that I'm perfect and it's the rest of the world that needs to change.

They thought it was a joke.

1/05/09

Looks like everyone's getting back into the swing of things. Classes are back to normal this week; can't say I'm too happy about that. But whatever.I flew through things as usual today. I think Mills saw me sleeping in class. She tried to embarrass me by asking me a load of tough questions about Shakespeare, but I got most of them right.

Dumbass.

Mom was pretty tired today from work today, so she asked me to go shopping for her... I couldn't really say no. Traffic was a bitch, and when I got to the store, I swear I've never seen so many bugged-out eyes. C'mon, folks--I've lived here my whole life, and I'm just a tiger in a trenchcoat; nothin' to see here, move along, you fucking pricks...

1/06/09

I hate Tuesdays, I really do. Gym first thing in the morning and shit... I have to tolerate being grouped with some idiot bitch with really fake blonde hair; her name's "Melissa" or something--who cares? Anyway, I shit you not, she's afraid of the volleyball. It's hilarious to watch... I had a few good laughs.

But after that, Coach told me to shut up when she started to cry... so, I told him that I don't take orders from a guy that couldn't get a real degree from a real school. Good thing the retard is mostly deaf--he didn't catch it and I didn't say it again. Pretty funny now that I'm looking back on it. At the time, I basically did it for the rush.

It was pretty weird to see someone cry over something like that. Pretty weird... I mean, damn, who cares? People laugh at me all the time, but do you see me crying about it? Noooo...

1/07/09

Not too much happened today. Had a little quiz in physics--aced it--and when Takahashi slipped up on his equations, I helped him out. He tried to bow to me, but he's too old to go that low. So he just tossed me a packet of M&Ms instead and gave me extra points. Greatest teacher I've had this year... or any year, I guess.

When I got home, Mom was at a doctor's appointment. She wasn't there to ask me how my day was, but she left me a note and a hot Reuben. It was really nice. The cheese was still warm and melted and everything. I love you, Mom.

1/08/09

Thursdays used to be a lot worse, but now that I have study hall instead of special services, I can basically chill out and sleep. Beats the Hell out of spending fifty minutes with a bunch of retards... then again, I guess those kids aren't that bad, just stupid. Everyone else is stupid too, but in a different way. I don't know how to explain it.

Some freshman asked me what time it was about a second before the bell was going to ring. He looked like he was in a hurry--so, get this, I told him that he still had three minutes left. You should have seen the look on his face--he was relieved, and then about two seconds later, he was beet red. Funniest thing I've seen recently, hahaha.

1/09/09

TGIF.

It's been a shitty week in general, but today was really bad. Football season is over--thank God for that too--but it's still Official Jock Douchebag Day every fucking Friday. Ruins the end of the week--bunch of fucking meatheads going around like they're in gangs or something, blocking the halls and shit. I almost flipped out on a few... but I settled for drawing a swastika on an index card and shoving it into some Jewish player's locker. I bet he'll like that, fucking kike...

Anyway, it started to snow after I got home. Dad made me help him salt the driveway, and his office's parking lot. It was kind of a pain, but it didn't take that long. Plus, after that, we went out for subs, and just sort of hung out, walking around town, eating, and talkingabout stuff. It was freezing cold, but I kind of liked it. It was kind of... I don't know. I kind of liked it.

1/12/09

I swear, we wouldn't be so far behind in Calc II if--I mean, we'd still be pretty far behind, Schreiner is a shitty teacher no matter what--but we wouldn't be _that_far behind if she wouldn't stop every two minutes and just talk about random shit. I could care less about what she or anyone else did this past weekend--I mean, come the fuck on. I'm here to learn, not to get involved in your personal lives and shit.

And here's the best thing--when they're off on some fuckin' tangent (I'm probably the only one that gets that metaphor, since everyone else is stupid), sometimes she'll ask a question, and everyone will raise their hands but me, since I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I get enough attention as it is, since I'm the only one around covered in stripes from head to toe, but fuck, I don't need to be seen as the only guy that hasn't done this, or seen that, or whatever else they're talking about.

It's annoying as Hell, and I hate attention. But I guess that overall, I don't give a fuck. I know I'm one-of-a-kind.

There was some new student in English today. She's Ukrainian or something, and a snow leopard--nope, still not a tiger (well, maybe partially, but that doesn't count). Sits right next to me. She tried to talk to me a few times... I didn't talk back that much. Looked at her from time to time. Didn't talk much.

1/13/09

Gym actually wasn't that bad today--the blonde bitch was absent! Our volleyball team did pretty well for a change... no weak link in the chain, after all. Technically, we're supposed to play our positions, but Coach doesn't make us that much. Besides, if the other teams had players that are 6'5", they'd let them play front all the time, regulations be damned.

Anyway, I turned eighteen today--happy birthday me. Dad closed his office early and picked me up from school. We met Mom at Baskin Robbins... heh, what, do they think I'm still a kitten? I didn't say anything, though. We've been going to Baskin Robbins on my birthday every year since I was like five. I had a big mint chocolate chip cone, wasn't bad... after that, I said I wanted to just drive around for a while, and think... so, Dad gave me the keys to his Beemer and went home with Mom.

I got home in time for dinner. Didn't tell them what I'd been up to, since it wasn't much. I just... drove, I guess. Thought about my life. Didn't take that long, since I haven't done too much yet.

1/14/09

Takahashi taught a great class today. I think it's because he's from Japan, but he's always on the ball, even though he's like twice as old as any other teacher I've ever seen. I love that some pricks tried to tell him to slow down--he just laughed and said, "No, no; more, more!"--and wouldn't you know it, a lot of them kept up. Never know what you're capable of until you push yourself, I guess.

Calc sucked as usual, but eh, I guess I lived with it. Meh.

In English, Mrs. Ukraine keeps trying to talk to me... I think she might have gotten a couple more words out of me today. She's not too bad, I guess. Funny--I think she's shy, since she is from another country and all--but she picks me of all people to sit next to and stuff.

I guess it's because I'm different, too. Even though I'm American. Fuck America.

1/15/09

I can't believe we actually have to "play" Othello. Everyone was supposed to get a role to speak. Fuck that--I told Mills that here's no way I'm doing that, so she sent me down to the office for being defiant or some shit. I just told the principal (I can never remember his name) that I can't do it for some stupid reason... anyway, he looked at my file, saw that I'm just out of special services, and gave Mills a call. Told her to lay off of me. So, I went back to class all smug... and I don't think anyone there's seen me smile so damn much. My cheeks were actually sore by the end of the period.

Mrs. Ukraine didn't get a role either, because she apparently can't speak English that well. Dunno what the fuck that's all about--I understand her just fine. Oh yeah--today, she told me her name. It's "Aleksandra".

I kind of like that name, on her. It fits, especially when she says it in that accent of hers. It really fits.

1/16/09

Blondie's back in gym, so, guess what: we started to lose games again. I know I shouldn't care--I mean, it's just gym, who gives a fuck--but I tried to talk to her when we were all rotating positions. I... _guess_I used a few words I shouldn't have, but the last thing I wanted was to have five bitches in my face, yakking at me about how I need to stop being so mean and scary. I can't even help half that shit--I can't change my species or the way I look--but, surprise surprise, reason don't work on mindless sluts.

I wanted to curse them out so bad, but I got to thinking--they're not worth the trouble. I took it and just waited until they were done. The game went on, and when the ball came to me, guess what--I hid from it, and blondie gave _me_an earful. I swear to God I'm going to fuck her up someday...

Dunno how I got through Calc. I swear, Schreiner must have taught for all of ten minutes... the rest of the time, she just told us a few stories about what it was like to grow up in the sixties, chatted about how special high school years are and shit like that. I gave up on trying to read the material on my own... I think I fell asleep for a while. Who cares about that--it's not like I missed anything worth being awake for.

1/19/09

Weekend wasn't up to snuff. I messed around on the Internet, played some Halo, the usual.

Schreiner actually got on the ball in Calc. Taught us for almost the whole period--'cause she was being observed. I kept up, but I dunno if anyone else did. Why am I talking about that? I don't give a fuck that they're all brainless drones.

I kind of like the setup we've got going on for Othello. Half the class, we act out the play; the other half, we write our reactions to it, and about its significance and stuff. Pretty easy to do. I think Mills is taking it easy on us for a change, because last semester the average was like a C+. This is a chance for the idiots in class--that's pretty mucheveryone except me--to get some easy points. It's kind of nice, since no one really wants to fuck around in that class. They just do their work and hang out for the last few minutes, or, in my case, sleep.

Scratch that last part... I finished my work in about ten minutes, slept for five... then Aleksandra wanted to talk to me again. I was kind of pissed off at first, but she's all right. I can't remember a word of what she said, but she's really all right.

1/20/09

Gym wasn't too bad. Melissa realized that the volleyball is _not_going to kill her. She still sucks, but at least now we have a chance. She tried to give me a high five at the end of class, so I told her to die in a fire. You should have seen her face--I swear, it was straight out of a Disney movie, puppy eyes and a trembling lower lip and everything, hahahaha.

In lunch, I was eating, you know, minding my own business and all. I don't like trouble when I'm eating. Call it a feral instinct--anyway, some douche from the Christian Alliance, or whatever it is, came up to me and asked if he could sit down. I said sure... against my better judgment, I guess. Anyway, he starting saying some bullshit about how I looked really alone, and that if I ever wanted anyone to talk to, Jesus was there, and so was the Christian Alliance or some shit. I just laughed and kept eating. Fuck Jesus, man.

I decided to walk home from school today. It was great weather, I'd say--really overcast and cold. Not too windy, though, but I guess you can't have it all. I never liked taking the bus, anyway...

Maybe I should get a parking permit so that I can drive to school. That would be cool.

1/21/09

Takahashi was out today. We had some sub, couldn't be more than twenty five years old. A real preppy guy--he wore a sweater over his shirt and tie and all. He wasn't that bad, but I couldn't--couldn't concentrate. It just wasn't the same without Takahashi. Takahashi _is_Physics. I couldn't... Takahashi was sick or something. He's gotta be really sick, 'cause he never takes off of school unless he absolutely has to.

Get better soon, old man. I can't get physics without you.

Aleksandra and I talked a little bit in English. I was kind of snappy with her, 'cause I was still thinking about Takahashi. She ended up looking real sad...I didn't give a fuck at the time, but I sort of feel sorry now. I guess I ought to apologize. I don't want her to be upset with me. She's a nice girl. Don't want her to be upset with me.

1/22/09

I was in fucking study hall sleeping, and some prick threw a paper ball at the back of my head. I didn't see who did it... but I knew how I'd find out. I acted up--I mean, I really acted up. Started hissing, spitting and swearing and everything. First guys that laughed--they were the ones who had done it. Teacher was out, so I didn't have anything holding me back. Went over with a pencil and stuck it halfway through the biggest one's forearm. Then I walked back to my seat.

I don't think anyone will fuck with me in that class again. I hope they don't. I don't want to have to go much further than I already have.

I said sorry about yesterday to Aleksandra first thing when I got into English. She still looked pretty sad, but by the time we broke to write, she started talking to me again. I mentioned that I might start to drive to school, 'cause I live all the way over in Fox Chase... turns out that she does, too. So I got to thinking, hey, there's no reason for her to take the bus if I don't...

I went to the office and filled out the application to park at school first thing after class.

1/23/09

Gotta love Fridays. I swear, people haven't evolved since the Stone Ages. It's always about showing your gang colors--Bloods, Welsh, Communists, Rob Lee Rebels...

Gym is gradually becoming tolerable. Blondie's got shit hand-eye coordination, but at least she's trying. We didn't lose that badly this time, and we actually closed the gap toward the end of the game. She actually did alright... I tried to say sorry to her for telling her to die in a fire or whatever, but she wasn't having any of it. I was just trying to apologize, but whatever. Fuck her.

Anyway, I got through Calc okay. Schreiner's back to the old standby--teach ten minutes, chat forty. I can't stand it, so I just said fuck it, sat in the back of the class, and got through all the assignments 'til next week. When the AP tests come, I bet I'm the only one from this fucking school that's gonna pass. God.

We didn't do that much writing in English this time. Just a lot of getting through the play, and hearing what Mills had to say about it. It wasn't that bad, but we didn't get much time at the end of the period. I asked Aleksandra what bus she took to get home--it's the one other bus that goes to Chase. I thought about going with her... but we had nice weather again. I couldn't help it--I had to walk home. It was snowing hard and everything.

Took me over an hour to get back, and when I did, I was freezing cold and all smiles. Mom made me take my clothes off downstairs and go up to shower right away. First thing when I came out, she told me to put on my suit--no hoody or trenchcoat--and then we're in the car. Dad apparently landed a big contract or something, and wanted to celebrate at some famous French restaurant.

I ordered some kind of steak with mushrooms. Can't pronounce the name, but it was great.

Dad even got me a glass of wine. We finished eating at like ten... but I don't care. It was a really great time.

1/26/09

Dunno how I got through Calc. I swear, Schreiner's _trying_to piss me off. All this talk about how special high school years are and shit--God, it makes me sick. Worst of all, this time she wasn't driving the conversation. And the last fucking thing I need to hear is a bunch of teenagers having epiphanies about how the memories they're making will last a lifetime or some shit.

I don't know why it makes me so angry. What the fuck do I care if this is the highest point in their lives? Fuck them all.

We hit a major plot point in Othello, apparently--I wouldn't have noticed it; the whole story's about as boring as fuck. Anyway, we got lots of time to write some little piece, and Mills handed us back a bunch of assignments. I did really well, big surprise--so I figured, hey, why not go for the gusto? I kept at the assignment we were working on after I was done, did a draft and everything. Still finished before half of the idiots in my class.

Aleksandra and I finished writing at pretty much the same time. But this time, it wasn't just her talking to me. I asked her about, you know, her. Turns out it's just her and her dad here in the US... she didn't say anything about her mom or any siblings. She seemed kind of sad when I asked her about Ukraine, so I asked her how she likes the US so far... if people are nicer and shit, and if she's made any friends. She blushed when I said that. Guess she got angry, 'cause didn't answer... dunno why.

You can really tell when she gets angry. She's not like me--I've got a big ruff and orange fur on my cheeks. Her cheeks are really white and pale... I guess it's because she's Slavic, and a snow leopard. I've never met a snow leopard before.

She's really exotic, actually. Sort of like me.

1/27/09

Melissa was out of gym today. I said that it was good riddance when we broke off into teams, and one of the guys told me that she was at the hospital for anorexia or some shit like that. I think he was trying to make me feel like an asshole.

Didn't work.

It was way sunny today, so I didn't want to walk home. I started to head to the bus--then I figured, hey, let's see if the paperwork has gone through yet. Went to the office, and asked one of the secretaries... turns out it's been waiting for me since Friday. I picked it up and I had to sprint to grab the bus--in the end, I didn't catch my usual bus.

I got onto the other one that goes to Chase. And the first thing I saw when I walked on--well, you know, apart from a bunch of shocked faces--was Aleksandra. I'd never seen her out of English before, so I didn't know what to do. I sat down up front, pretended I'd never seen her. But I swear, I could feel her looking at me the entire ride.

1/28/09

Takahashi was back today. When I heard that, I basically sprinted out of homeroom to get to Physics as fast as I could. Minute he saw me, he gave me that big grin of his and we shook hands. I actually wanted to hug him, can you believe that?... but I just shook his hand back, really gently. He looked... really pale, and weak. Sort of tired, you know? I didn't like it... but he taught a great class again.

Great to have you back, Takahashi. Don't get sick again, man.

English was sort of "eh" again. Can't complain, but...eh. Wasn't too hard, or too annoying. But I can't remember a thing about what I did in that class. We got a few minutes at the end... I told Aleksandra that I drove to school today and was gonna drive back, and that she was welcome to join me if she wanted.

I've never seen someone's face turn so red. I actually thought she was sick--but she said that she was fine, in that crazy accent of hers, and that she'd love to.

On the way home, we didn't talk too much. She didn't try to say much, and I can't talk while I'm driving--Mom said that if I ever do, she'll make me get dyed neon pink. I don't want to go raving any time soon, so I kept my mouth shut.

Aleksandra doesn't live too far from me. Two blocks away, tops. She's got a nice little place, just like mine. I didn't see a car there when I dropped her off... I wonder if she's always alone when she gets back. That's too bad.

Dad gets back late, yeah, but Mom's almost always there when I get back. I wouldn't want to go home to an empty house every day. That would be so... weird...

1/29/09

Study hall was pretty quiet this time. There were a lot of free seats around me. When I walked in, I saw a bunch of people staring... I don't like being stared at. I sat in a corner by myself. I wish I had study hall in the library, so that I could have hidden in one of the aisles or something. I fucking hate being stared at. I wish everyone would just fuck off.

No free time in English today. I think Mills is trying to hurry things up so that we can get on to reading other boring things written by other boring people. What do I care?

Aleksandra and I headed to my car after class. She was a little more talkative today, but I told her that I can't talk when I'm driving. So, we went to her place, I parked the car and turned off the engine... and we sort of hung out on her driveway for a while.

I ended up getting home a little late. Mom asked me where I'd been, so I told her. She seemed all happy--no, that's not it. She sort of beamed at me, in a "Oh, this is so sweet" kind of way. Don't know what the fuck all that was about.

It sort of freaked me out, honestly.

1/30/09

I was doing my work in Calc. Schreiner must've gotten the rest of the class to do some assignment or some shit, because she came to me when everyone else was busy and asked me why I seemed so upset with her. So, I told her it was because she was a terrible teacher and I hated everything she had to say. Got her out of my face pretty quickly. She seemed pretty sad, but what do I care?

I kind of spent a lot of the day looking forward to going home with Aleksandra. Ruined a lot of good sleeping time. I should be pissed about that, but I'm not. We went to the parking lot right from English... I could tell a bunch of people were watching us. I'm used to it, and I guess she is too, since we're cats... only tiger and snow leopard in school. It felt different this time, though. Dunno why. It's some kind of fucked up mystery...

This time when we went home, I told Aleksandra about these great forests just next to Fox Chase. Would you believe it--she's lived here since New Year's, and she's never been there before. Anyway, I called Mom, told her I'd be back in a while after going for a walk in the woods with Aleksandra. I dunno how, but I'm pretty sure that she had that "happy" look on her face again. Strangest thing.

We walked around for a while. I showed her the bike trails, and the fields, and all that stuff. It took a lot longer than it felt like... seemed like one minute passed, then it was dark. We didn't care, though--I mean, we're both felines; seeing in the dark is what we do.

Actually, that's... I mean, I've never been with another feline before, except for my parents. It was really something to go around with someone my age after dark, and not have to stop them from tripping over every other root, or stone, or whatever.

Eventually it started to get pretty late. Kind of cold, too. We had to head back... I walked Aleksandra back to her place. Her dad's car still wasn't there, and I tell ya, when she saw that, she looked really sad. I wanted to do something, or say something, but I just--just didn't know what to do.

2/02/09

This morning, I started to drive to school early. It wasn't that I want to be in that shithole for longer than I absolutely have to... I just thought, hey, I drive Aleksandra home from school--doesn't it make sense to drive her to school from home? I don't like going half-assed, after all.

I told Mom I was heading out early... wouldn't have time to eat at home. But she made me bring a bagel with some eggs and stuff to eat at school. I kind of resent being babied so much, but I gotta admit, it looked great. No one can get bacon as crispy as Mom can.

I caught up to Aleksandra when she was on her way to the bus stop. She looked like she was surprised to see me, but in a happy way. It is a lot warmer in my car than it is outside or even on the bus.

We got to school early enough to hang out in the cafeteria for a while before going to homeroom. That's how it is at Rob Lee, apparently--if you get to school too early, you have to stay in the cafeteria.

I guess that was pretty much the most memorable part of the day. Aleksandra told me that she was trying to switch into Calc II, since she's actually really, really good at math. There's only one Calc II class, though. So, if she gets in, we can hang out there, too. Maybe we could even work together.

It'll be nice to have someone around that's not retarded. Real nice.

2/03/09

Melissa was still out of gym. I didn't say anything about it, this time. A couple of the guys seemed like they missed her, but only God knows why. Girls suck at sports in general, but Christ, blondie was _really_bad.

And I'm not saying that to be a sexist or anything. Aleksandra said that she was going to try out for the volleyball team in like a week. Kind of makes sense to me. She seems like the sporty type--not the jock type, but the kind that's, you know, fit, and agile and all that. You can see it when she walks.

At least, I can see it. I mean, I'm a predator. I know what to look for when making threat assessments and shit--and let me tell you, I would never fight Aleksandra if I could help it. I've got about seven, eight inches on her and probably fifty some pounds, but she's just _got_it, you know?

She moves like... a liquid, if that makes sense. It just looks so natural and balanced when she walks. It's all smooth and shit, no jerks or anything. I guess that doesn't sound like a big deal, but I've never seen anyone walk that well. Basically everyone else is clumsy.

Mom and Dad kind of have it, I guess. I wonder if I have it... I wonder if I look that cool when I walk.

2/04/09

Me and Aleksandra got to school pretty early today, too. This time, she talked a little bit more about herself, and that was weird--no, wait, that wasn't weird at all. People love to talk about themselves. But when she did, I was actually interested in hearing it. _That_was weird.

Turns out her parents got a divorce a while ago, and her mom went off with some businessman... wasn't really interested in her anymore.

I don't get that. What the fuck kind of a mother does that? The divorce I understand--well, kind of, since everyone gets divorced these days--but how could Aleksandra's mom leave her? I didn't get it at all. How does that even make sense?

Takahashi seemed a little better today. Definitely a lot livelier, but he still looks sort of... you know, off. He'll get better soon, I guess. It takes old people a little longer to get back into the swing of things. But he'll get better soon. And until he does, I got no problem with helping him out when he needs me. After all, he is a little too short to erase the tops of the boards--I'm not.

A lot of what we did in English was actually kind of interesting. We're apparently going to write a big literary criticism on Othello or something, and there's all these things we have to learn--like how to set it up right, how to do MLA citations, and other things. Apparently a bunch of folks don't like that--fuck them, hahaha. This kind of organized stuff is the shit.

It was pretty cold today, and sort of cloudy. Pretty nice weather--I'd have walked home if I didn't have my car. On the way back, I told Aleksandra that (while we were at a red light, Mom)... and she actually agreed. I've never met someone that likes the same kind of weather that I do. Mom _kind_of does, and I guess Dad's okay with it, but I'm the only one I know that likes it cold and dark. Well, not anymore. Now I know Aleksandra.

She said that she was going to start running to get back into shape for volleyball. I kind of slipped up then--I was making a left turn when I told her that she looked really fit already. She didn't say anything for a while, so I guess that offended her. Plus, when I looked over like a minute later, she was still a little red. Told her I was sorry; she said it was alright, and that she'd love company--my company--'cause it sucks to run alone, apparently.

Honestly, I really did not like the idea...like, at all. I like my physique where it's at, alright? And it's not like I'm fat or anything--I'm actually pretty thin, and I do pushups and stuff every couple days. But... I said yes. Dunno why. And when I met her at her place after changing, I was actually kind of looking forward to it.

It should have been boring as fuck. I mean, we were just running--that's literally all we did. But when we went into the forests, the trails were too narrow for us to go side by side, so I went behind her. She had her hair in a ponytail... it was kind of neat to watch. Maybe even hypnotic.

She has great hair. Can't get over how straight it is. And it's blond naturally. I asked her about it when we were finished and going home, and she said that it was. I said that that was really cool, to meet another natural blonde, and that she must be really proud of her hair. I think she got upset by that, too, because she turned red again.

I said bye to her, and sorry, and asked if she wanted me to pick her up again tomorrow. She said yes.

I'd just run about five miles, but I walked home feeling... you know, not miserable.

2/05/09

Lots of free time in study hall. I got ahead on a few Calc assignments and reading--hey, I'm not gonna learn much in the fucking class itself--but then I saw that a few freshmen were sort of looking at me, talking, looking back at me, and talking some more. I left them alone for a while--then I got pissed off.

So I got up, walked over to them and asked them--what did the five fingers say to the face? They didn't know... so I showed 'em, hahaha. The one human I got, oh man--you should have see the red mark on his face. You could practically see my fingerprints on his cheek. He basically got knocked out, 'cause he fell over and was all dizzy when he stood up like a minute later. There are some things money can't buy, and that fuckin' moment was one of them. I swear to God, I'll treasure it forever.

We finished learning about the paper we're writing for English. It looks pretty interesting to me, even though I guess the topic sucks ass. We broke off into partners to practice MLA format. At first, I got ready to work alone or get stuck with some loser--then I asked Aleksandra if she wanted to be partners. She said yes--and that was really something. Really something--we got a lot of work done.

When Mills came over to check our work, Aleksandra was all polite to her. I wanted to ignore her or glare at her, but I... sort of talked to her, nicely. I dunno what came over me. I want to say that I don't like it... but I kind of did. And Schreiner was sort of bearable to me, for a change. Life's sure different when you're nice to people. Go figure.

When we were going home, I told Aleksandra that I liked watching her run. Specifically, her hair.And her tail. She's got a great tail. It's pretty long, and the patterns on it are great. Plus, when she runs, you can watch it sort of twitch around to help her keep her balance.

I think she got mad at me for that, too. She keeps getting so mad at me--I don't know why she likes to hang out with me--but yeah, she became really red again. I said sorry, and that if we ever ran together again, I wouldn't look at her. But she told me that it was fine, and that I could look at her all I wanted.

I don't know why, but that made me really happy. And it also almost made me fucking crash. Now I see why Mom told me never to talk while driving, but I gotta remind myself--no looking at Aleksandra, either. She's even more distracting.

2/06/09

Aleksandra stopped at the office when we went to school. Turns out she got into Calc II no sweat--I was pretty happy when I heard that, and I think Aleksandra noticed. I actually realized something around then. She doesn't _just_turn red when she's angry, she actually blushes for other reasons. Who knew, eh?

Anyway, I figured that since she looks so cool when she blushes, she's got to look even cooler when she's angry. I ought to make her angry some day, just to see... nah, I don't think I will. It's like... I wouldn't want to make my parents angry. I don't want to make Aleksandra angry, either. Dunno why.

Physics is now the one class I have without Aleksandra, except for the bullshit classes like gym and health and stuff. I switched to her study hall, because I kept getting stared at in the other one,

and it was only a matter of time before I fucking snapped and went way too far.

Anyway, Takashi seemed a lot better today. Almost like his old self again. I stayed after class a little, and just hung out with him for a while. I guess that's pretty weird--I mean, you _don't_hang out with teachers. That's like the first unwritten rule in the students' code of conduct. But I don't give a fuck--I never say that I'm not weird because I pretty much am.

He seemed really happy, but not in the usual, lively way. He seemed all... peaceful, and accepting and shit. Maybe it's because he's a religious guy or something. I dunno. I dunno if I liked it, either. He looked at me like there was something he wasn't telling me or some shit--but he wouldn't do that. I mean, when me and Takahashi met last year, we hit it off right off the bat. And that never happens with me. Happens to him all the time--not me.

So, I told him to have a great weekend and was about to go, but he stopped me. Told me to meet him at some Japanese place tomorrow, just to hang out. I said fine--I love Japanese food, and it's probably the one thing Mom can't make right. Probably the one thing Mom can't do right. Mom's an amazing mom, but even if she wasn't, she'd still be my mom, so I'd love her anyway.

I think me and Mills have kind of come to an unspoken agreement, or something. The deal is that she doesn't fuck with me or bullshit in class, and I'm nice to her. It's a great deal, honestly. Any other time I'd say that I ripped the dumb cow off, but I don't want to think about her like that anymore. Strangest damn thing, and I'm not sure if I like it yet. Aleksandra likes it a lot more when I'm nice to people, though... so maybe I should be a little nicer. We'll see.

I actually looked forward to Calc II by the time it rolled around. 'Course, I had to sit through the bullshit of Aleksandra introducing herself to everyone, but it wasn't that bad. I already knew everything she said, and then some, and besides, she was pretty red the whole time.

After Schreiner finished her ten minutes of teaching, I think a lot of people wanted to talk to her. Lot of guys. Who knows why? But then they saw that she was with me and left us the fuck alone. Everyone's scared of me. I don't even have to fuck a lot of people up to make everyone that scared. It's great.

I don't think I've ever spent so much time with anyone else in my life, except for my parents. It's the weirdest thing. Me and Aleksandra see each other all the damn time, but she never pisses me off or fucks with me or anything. And I kind of like having her around. And I think she likes having me around, too.

We went running again after school. When we were heading to the forest past my house, Mom met us. I don't know what she was doing. Said she was checking the mail, but she always brings it in first thing when she wakes up. I said that, but she just ignored me and talked Aleksandra. Can't blame her for that.

Aleksandra looks so... I dunno... Nice? Maybe? Sort of?... when she's dressed up to run. It's still really cold, but she just wears a shirt and shorts, and these long socks on her feet. And she always has her hair in a ponytail, too. Actually, Mom finished looking at Aleksandra before I did. It was kind of nice to see that they got along.

We did about seven miles today. When we were finished, I asked Aleksandra if she liked having me around, and she said yeah. Dunno why, but I really wanted to hear that. And then she laughed... huh, I've never actually heard her laugh before. It's a real nice sound... all soft, and high pitched, sort of like a giggle. I asked her what was up, and she said that I look--and then she said something in Ukrainian--when I blush.

Mom always says to take a shower right after sweating, but when I got to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror for a while. Tried to make myself blush by holding my breath. It sort of worked, but I got no clue what Aleksandra said about me. Guess I'll have to learn Ukrainian; figure out what "milly" means...

2/09/09

Takahashi's a lot different out of class, but still exactly the same.

Wait, that doesn't make sense--what I mean is that he's still nice to me, and really smart and shit, but since we didn't talk physics, it was the weirdest damn thing. I asked him about him, he asked me about me, you know?

I know he's an old guy, but he's damn cool, just like Granddad was. He's done all sorts of sweet things in his life, but he said the one regret he has is that he never found the right lady to settle down with. I didn't really get what he meant by that.

I told him about Aleksandra, and all the time we spent together. He sounded real happy that I'd made a friend--and damn, when he said that, I swear I froze. I'd never thought of Aleksandra as a friend before, she was just sort of someone I talk to and stuff... but I guess, yeah, she's my friend. My best friend, ever.

Takahashi said he'd like to meet her, so I said we'd drop by at the end of school on Monday. He said that was great and got a whole thing of green tea ice cream for me and my folks. I know Takahashi and Granddad are different people--I mean, shit, they probably fought each other in World War II--but sometimes, they sort of seem the same. Granddad was always laughing and smiling and getting me things. Not expensive things, but sweets and stuff. I really miss that old man, now that I think of it.

So, this morning, we had great weather. Real great. I texted Aleksandra first thing when I got up, asked her if she wanted to walk, and she hit me back like a second later--said yeah. That was actually sort of weird. Most people don't like to get up when I do, God knows why not. Early mornings are great--they're like late nights, except I'm allowed to be up for early mornings.

We actually got to class just in time. No big deal, though. Mills said that we were pretty much a full class period ahead of everyone else when she looked over our first drafts--let us have the whole period off. I thought that was really nice, and the weirdest thing ever. I wanted to think that she was trying to trick us and get us in trouble for cutting--but Aleksandra said thank you, so I did too. We hung out in the library for a while, and I'll be damned--nothing bad happened.

Calc was actually sort of tough, for a change. Schreiner taught for the whole class, and I thought that she was actually pretty good. I guess she just doesn't put in the effort, usually--anyway, I told her that I liked the way things were going before me and Aleksandra left, and she just sort of stood there, for a while, before smiling and sort of putting her hand on my shoulder.

Normally, I hate it when people touch me. Like, seriously. In seventh grade I hit my teacher because he touched me... but this time, I just sort of wiggled my shoulder and told her. She said sorry... and I said it was okay. I wanted to tell her to go get raped in a ditch, but I said it was fine and smiled.

I think Aleksandra figured out that I held myself back, but I dunno how. She sort of bumped the back of her hand into mine. Didn't mind it when she did that.

So we went to Takahashi's class. It was pretty weird to be in a classroom when everyone else was leaving, but I kind of wanted to see Aleksandra and Takahashi get along. I could see that they did, really quickly. It was kind of special, even though I didn't do jack except stand there and watch them talk.

Heh, Takahashi's been in the US longer than me, but he still has a kind of thick accent. It's not as thick as Aleksandra's (actually, I don't really know how they fuckin' understand each other at all) but he still can't say my name right. It's always "Arex" this, "Arex" that. I don't care, though. That's just how he is. But he actually got Aleksandra's name right on the first try.

We left after a pretty long time. Like, half an hour. Takahashi bowed to me and Aleksandra, mostly Aleksandra, pretty low. Really low; I've never seen him go that low before. But he did, and he got up fine, too. It was really something.

Aleksandra and me decided not to go running today. Just walking, instead. We dropped our stuff off at our places and just sort of wandered around the woods for a really long time. Sometimes we talked, sometimes we didn't. I know it sounds really boring... but it wasn't, not for me. Not at all.

Looks like I'm writing a lot more these days. It's weird. Writing here used to be like a chore, but now it's almost fun. It's like I have a lot more to keep track of. I kind of like it.

2/10/09

Blondie's back in gym. She looked really skinny today--like, _really_skinny, not just girl skinny. I asked her what was wrong--curious, you know--and she told me to fuck off. Heh, I should have slapped the shit out of her for that, but I decided not to. Said sorry, walked away.

At the end of the period, she said sorry to me. I told her it was okay, ('cause I really don't care what she thinks about me, but I didn't say that). She looked like she was about to cry. I told her I was sorry about that, too, and just sort of walked away. Didn't know what else to do.

On the way home from school, I told Aleksandra that I like the way she walks. She seemed confused by that, so I waited until we were at a red light and explained. I don't think I did it that well, since I'm not great with words, but she got it. At least, I think she got it.

She keeps blushing around me. It's the damnedest thing. And when I asked her why she keeps blushing around me--just me, when we're alone--she blushed even harder. Now I didn't want her to get a nosebleed or something, so I just kept quiet and waited until we got home.

I was going to drop her off at her place and head home, but she said that if I wanted to--and she was _really_blushing when she said this--but she said that if I wanted to, I could come in and watch her walk around for a little. I said that would be great. Texted Mom, told her that I'd be back a little late, and we went into Aleksandra's place.

It's a nice little place. Sort of empty, though. You can tell that no one's there for a lot of the day. It's real clean though. There's some stuff from Ukraine here and there; not too much, just pictures and stuff. I told Aleksandra that she had a nice house--she looked at me like I was an alien when I said that, 'cause I said it in Ukrainian. Internet's good for all kinds of things, right; besides, I already know Russian. I still don't know what she said to me Friday, but I'll find out.

It sort of felt weird to be in someone else's house. I've never been to someone else's house before. Well, I've been to Granddad's, but that's about it. I think if it was anyone but Aleksandra, I'd have bolted the fuck out of there in about five seconds. As it was, I think she could tell I was nervous. She told me to calm down and sit down on the couch... so I did.

She was wearing jeans and a hoody, 'cause it was pretty cold out. She'd taken off her boots--she's got a no shoes rule in her house too--and she sort of stood in front of me for a minute before taking her hoody off. She wasn't wearing too much under that... just a... I don't know what they're called for girls. I don't think it's called a muscle shirt. But she was wearing one of those type things without sleeves.

She started to walk back and forth; asked me if she was doing okay. I asked her to slow down a little, so that I could watch better. I leaned forward in my seat a lot so I could see closely, and it was definitely worth it.

Like I said, I'm bad with words. But she's really something. Even though she was wearing jeans, not shorts, I could see her muscles under her fur. I almost wanted to put my hand on her leg while she moved so that I could feel it, but that would be weird--and besides, I don't like being touched. She probably doesn't, either.

Mostly I looked at her legs. And her tail--definitely her tail. If I knew how fast time was going, I'd have looked at her hair more... but I looked at my watch for the first time about a half hour after we got home. I told Aleksandra I had to go; she said okay. And I don't know why, but she seemed sort of disappointed to see me go.

Why would she be disappointed to see me go? Everyone's always all glad when I leave.

2/11/09

Aleksandra taught me a little more Ukrainian once we got to school. I was apparently pronouncing a few things wrong and stuff... but she said I'd made good progress. It was nice to hear that. Dunno why.

Oh yeah--instead of eating at home, or bringing something with me to school, Mom said that it might be nice to take Aleksandra to a diner before the day started. She gave me some money and told me that the one just off of Main Street is nice. When I left the house, I said bye to her--and she had _that_look on again. I'm still trying to figure out what it means.

Mom was right, though. The diner was pretty nice. There weren't too many people there either... couple of older guys (like 25, maybe 30 years old) kept staring at Aleksandra, and I could tell she didn't like it. So, I went over, took out my knife, and told them to leave us alone. They were smarter than they looked, 'cause they stopped. I guess they knew that I wasn't playing around.

If people fuck with me outside of school, that's how I deal with them... but it was sort of weird to get pissed because someone was messing with Aleksandra. I mean, she's not me--and I only get pissed when people fuck with me. I wish I could bring my knife to school, but Dad said that if I ever do that, he'll find out and take it away. Along with my Xbox.

We spent a while at the diner, just talking and stuff. It was pretty cold out today--I was wearing my hoody _and_my trenchcoat, but Aleksandra was just wearing one of those jean skirts or whatever, and some kind of coat. Had a hard time not staring at her legs. She's got great legs. They look really soft, and damn fit. I kind of want to touch her fur someday. Mom says I've got great fur (which I got from her, apparently) but Aleksandra's has got to be a lot better.

What am I thinking about? I've gotten so weird recently. I want to touch someone? What the fuck is that all about?

Maybe I'll ask her someday, though. I hope she'll let me. I'd be so happy.

I think I actually zoned out in Physics for a while. Takahashi thought I was having a tough time getting what we were doing, so he really slowed down. I mean, if I'm not getting things, there's no way anyone else is. I felt pretty guilty about that. I got things pretty much okay... was just thinking about Aleksandra's fur. Damn, she's distracting.

At least I got to see her in English again. Was pretty easy going today--we just had to write our theses, and sample a few supporting arguments. I was done in thirty; Aleksandra finished like five minutes after that. Schreiner said that she's really great at English for just having moved to the US. Then she said that I was amazing, too.

I think I might have smiled at her... can't be sure.

There were volleyball tryouts after school. Why Aleksandra would want to play a sport with a bunch of girls, I didn't know--but the ones that were trying out for the team were actually really good. I mean, some of them were better players than guys. Strangest fucking thing.

Tryouts took a while. Not too long, but a while. Aleksandra came over and asked me how I thought she did. I, uhm, didn't actually have any idea. But it's not like I was being stupid or just not paying attention. She was wearing shorts, see, and moving around a lot. I couldn't stop looking at her... but I didn't see much of what she was doing, if that makes sense.

But no one else had the balance that she does. There's no way that they did. I saw them all walking back, looking all tired and having a tough time standing properly and all--so I told Aleksandra that she was a shoo-in. She didn't even look tired.

She didn't know what that meant, so I told her. She turned red and moved toward me--I thought she was going to hit me or something--but she just hugged me instead. Just hugged me.

I can't remember the last time anyone's done that. I mean, I hate hugging; don't even like it when Mom does--Hell, I don't even let her do it on my birthday anymore. But after I quit freaking out, I sort of relaxed and, you know, felt it. Aleksandra's really soft, even more than I thought, and she's warm, too. Really warm, like an electric blanket.

And it wasn't like she was sweating or anything (all the other girls were, but she wasn't). She's just like... a pale, soft electric blanket with blond hair and big brown eyes. I actually... kind of liked it, when she hugged me. I think it might have just been for like five seconds, but felt a lot longer, you know?

I'm pretty sure my arms were locked to my sides the whole time, but now that I'm looking back on it, it might have been nice if I hugged her back. Might have been real nice. Maybe I'll do that next time, if there is a next time. No, I'll make there be a next time. Just got to find a way to make her hug me again...

2/12/09

Study hall's a lot better now that I get to hang out with Aleksandra. We get a lot of work done together. I think we might have said five words to each other the whole period--that's a lot for me, but a little for us, if that makes sense. No Calc homework until March now, and I wrote about two pages of the big English paper. Aleksandra read over it, said it looks pretty good so far.

Hers was really good, too. I mean, _really_good. Maybe it's because she's Ukrainian, but she's got this way of using words... it's really something. It was actually kind of fun to read her paper, even though she had to write on a crappy topic.

On the way home, I figured that Aleksandra was pretty tired from yesterday. I mean, she did spend about an hour and a half playing volleyball--and she doesn't play like I do in gym. I pretty much hang out at the net and spike as much as I can... don't really move my feet too much. But she does. She's fast--scary fast. It's like I said last week: I'd never want to fight her, ever.

She could be really dangerous if she wanted to be. I dunno why she doesn't just fuck a few people up to get them to leave her alone... no, scratch that. People don't really bother Aleksandra, ever. I mean, now and then people will talk to her and stuff. But no one really tries to mess with her... which doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I got messed with all the time until I started to fuck people up.

Anyway, turns out that she wasn't tired at all. But she didn't want to run... she asked me if I had a bike; I said yeah, I do. When the weather starts to get all sunny and bright in the spring, I told her that it's my favorite thing to do. Since I turned eighteen this year, maybe Mom and Dad will let me nap for a while when I get home, and then go biking after dark... we'll have to see about that.

Aleksandra's got a pretty nice bike. It's a mountain bike, and she looks really confident on it. She was wearing a helmet, but she didn't put her hair into a bun or anything, so I was happy. It just sort of floated in the air behind her. We rode around for a while... a pretty long while, I guess.

Turns out I forgot to tell Mom where I was after school. Just realized that after I dropped Aleksandra off at her place and headed home. I felt pretty bad about it, and was gonna say sorry--but Mom said that she knew that I was with Aleksandra.

Now how the Hell did she know that? ...I dunno. Mom just knows things about me, I guess. Would be kind of creepy if it was anyone else, but it's my Mom. I trust her.

2/13/09

Takahashi was great today. Really great. Fast-paced and exciting and everything. He even cracked a few jokes here and there... he's got a real sense of humor for an old man. It was kind of weird, though. At the end of class, as we were all leaving, he just sort of sat down. Looked real tired. I've never seen him so tired before, except for right after he was sick. I mean, he still looked happy and all, but I didn't like seeing him that tired.

Have a good weekend, old man. First thing Monday morning, I'm gonna show up at your room with a cupcake for your birthday. And Aleksandra. We'll have a party for you all by ourselves.

A bunch of people had colds today, so Coach called off volleyball. We did what we always do when we can't have a real gym class: walk around the gym for at least two miles before we can chill out on the bleachers. I was thinking of just running it so I could be done in fifteen minutes and then sleep--but Melissa started talking to me. Started walking with me.

At first, I wanted to ignore her and just be on my way. Almost asked her to leave me alone a few times... but she's not that boring. Not really. I mean, she's not fun to talk to, like Aleksandra, but she's kind of okay. She didn't really talk about herself too much... just asked me about me. I usually don't like that, but this time, it didn't feel too bad.

I can't remember telling her that much, but there isn't that much to me. I know people think I'm weird, and I guess I sort of am, but I'm sort of normal, too. I'm not some kind of a freak. I don't get why people think that, just because they don't know me. I'm not a bad guy.

Mom always tells me that when I have a rough day. Mom always knows when I have a rough day. And she always makes it a little better by telling me that I'm not a bad boy, and that she loves me.

We had a lot of work to do in English. A few of us didn't really get what was going on for the paper--meh, everyone learns different I guess--so Mills had to slow down and explain things again. I thought me and Aleksandra pretty much had everything nailed, but it looks like I might have to go over a few parts in my piece...

I'm surprised we've gotten so far in Calc II at the rate we were going. Hell, it's like Schreiner knows what she's doing. We're actually about to wrap up learning stuff... I guess we're gonna spend the rest of the semester practicing for the AP exam. I sort of suck at taking long tests and shit--can't concentrate for that long--so it might be a good thing for me.

Aleksandra's gonna be bored, though. I never really noticed it before, but she's really, really smart... even compared to me.

On the way back to Fox Chase, I asked Aleksandra if I could come over to her place again and watch her walk again. She said yeah... blushed pretty well again, but not as much as she did last time. I said thanks a lot, and I'm pretty sure I smiled the rest of the way home. Cheeks were sore and everything.

This time, being at her place wasn't that bad. I was sort of nervous, but not really, 'cause I'd already been there. She sat me down on the couch again, and started to walk... but like two seconds later, she told me to wait there and headed upstairs.

I sort of felt like an ass. I didn't know what to do, so I sort looked around and stuff. I'm glad she came back pretty quickly.

She'd changed clothes. I can't really remember what she was wearing before, but when she came back down she was wearing a pair of gym shorts. Not the baggy kind for guys. Those small ones that she wears for running and volleyball. She'd changed her shirt, too. Now I know what that kind of shirt is called--it's a "tank top". Go figure...

Anyway, she started to walk for me again. A few minutes in, I texted Mom and told her that I was at Aleksandra's and would be home late. She texted me back... "Okay. ;)" I didn't really get the smileyface. Mom never uses smileyfaces. I didn't even know she knew how to use them.

This time I had all the time I wanted to watch Aleksandra walk. She's really something... I think it's because she was going slower this time, but it seemed a lot better than it was last time. She's... wow, I'm getting tingles right now thinking about it. I dunno how to describe it. Every time her quads flexed, I could see them under her fur, and when they relaxed her legs became really smooth. Her tail didn't twitch around that much today... I think she was keeping track of it, you know, because usually tails don't swish from side to side like that.

Watching her tail was something else. I wanted to touch it, really bad--figured that her fur was really soft at the tip of her tail--so I guess I reached forward for a while. Couldn't really go all the way, though. But she did. She stepped closer to me and kind of conked my cheek with her tail, rubbed it across my nose and stuff.

She laughed a little bit, but I don't blame her. I swear I saw stars for like five minutes after she did that.

I must have watched her for a pretty long time. A really long time... it was dark out when she stopped walking; she said she was tired. I figured that was my cue to go, but she told me to hold still. Then she kind of sat next to me... _real_close, like. I didn't know what the Hell was going on, so I just stared at her. She kind of caught my eye and blushed, but then she put her hand on mine.

That freaked me out. A lot. Almost jumped out of my skin... but I got myself to calm down, dunno how. I guess I just kept telling myself that it was okay, that it was just Aleksandra and that she wasn't going to mess with me. Eventually it worked. But I think she figured out that I didn't like it, 'cause she seemed pretty sad and took her hand away.

I told her I was sorry. And then I told her that she could put her hand back, if she wanted. It was just a... surprise, or something. I guess I did something right, because she smiled again and put her hand back on mine. This time it didn't feel that bad.

I dunno what she wanted me to do... I dunno if she even wanted me to do anything at all. But she seemed pretty happy as it was, and I didn't want to mess it up. So I just sat there for a while, just like that. I didn't really like it that much. It was kind of odd... but God, does she have soft hands. Her hands aren't like mine. My hands are all big and stuff. Hers are a lot smaller, and a lot... well, I don't want to say "weaker", because Aleksandra's not weak, no way. But... I dunno. I'm not good with words.

After a while--well, probably just a couple minutes--Aleksandra said that when I was watching her walk, she thought I was going to touch her. I told her that yeah, I was kind of thinking about it... then I said sorry. I wouldn't want to be touched, you know? Especially not on the tail. The last time someone stepped on my tail, I gave him _such_a shot to the jaw...

She said it was okay, though. She said if I wanted to, I could touch her. She said that in Ukrainian, but I got most of it, so I said thanks in Ukrainian--"spasibi". Even though she was the one who said that, without me asking, she was pretty well red--really well red, actually. I didn't want to upset her, so I didn't do anything. Just kind of sat there next to her. She's real warm, you know?

I think a few minutes sort of went without either of us doing anything. Maybe not even a few minutes. Maybe one minute, tops. She lifted my hand up and put it in her lap, you know, on her thighs. This time around, it didn't freak me out much... in fact, it didn't freak me out at all. Not even when she sort of put my hand on her one leg, little bit above the knee.

She's a lot softer than I thought. Or maybe it's because it's her leg. Her hand's really soft as it is, but since her leg is less bony and stuff, you can really feel her fur. It's really--if Mom could feel her fur, she'd say that my fur sucks. And that I got my fur from Dad, heheh. I'm kidding around a little; dunno what else to say. Just touching Aleksandra's leg like that... I dunno. It was like watching a fireworks show.Except less loud. That probably doesn't make sense, but I can't explain it any better.

I eventually had to go, 'cause it was time for dinner. This timeshe didn't seem sad to see me go... maybe it's 'cause we're going to hang out again tomorrow. I guess I'll start to keep logs over the weekends... usually I just fucking sleep, play video games, and lose track of time. But if Aleksandra and I hang out, I might have to keep track of what's going on. That's why I started to make logs, anyway. Got to keep track of what's going on.

Dad joshed me around when I got back. Said that he's proud that I'm working later than he is.

Know that look Mom sometimes gives me, especially when I'm back from being with Aleksandra? This time, Dad had it too. It probably would have scared most people, 'cause Dad looks scarier than I do... with his big bushy ruff, long teeth, and muscles. Huge muscles. Heh, when we go out together, no one wants to get within ten feet of us.

But I'm not scared of Dad. Never have been. I mean, he's my dad. He'd never hurt me, ever.

2/14/09

It's pretty weird to write a log on a Saturday. I might have a tough time getting through this one 'cause it's really late now, plus, I had a long day.

I met Aleksandra's dad today. I swear, he looks just like her... except older, and he's a guy. He's a blonde too, except he's got bluish, grayish eyes. He's only like one inch taller than her, but that's still like six feet tall. Aleksandra's pretty tall for a girl, actually.

Aleksandra's dad is pretty nice. I kind of like him. He looked damn tired when I went over, 'cause he works so much, but he was a decent guy. Seemed glad to meet me... apparently Aleksandra talks about me a lot when he comes home. He was getting ready to work a later shift when I got over, at like nine in the morning... man, I dunno how he does it. If I worked that hard, I'd fucking snap in a week.

Dad sometimes talks about how tough it was for him, as an immigrant, to get ahead in the US. I never listened that much... but now I get where he's coming from. He always says that he could only get where he is in life because he had Mom and me. It must be tougher for Aleksandra's dad, 'cause he's the only one working.

You know, maybe I _could_work as hard as he does. If I was working that hard for Aleksandra, I'd... definitely try my best.

Anyway, Aleksandra's dad left us pretty quick. We both waved bye to him and then just sort of looked at each other for a minute. I'd already dressed for the day... but she hadn't. This isn't gonna make sense, but she looks even softer in PJs. I told her that, and I guess she understood it, 'cause she said smiled at me and said thanks.

Asked her what she wanted to do. She said she'd just hooked up her Xbox--and I guess she saw my ears go up and stuff, 'cause she laughed and asked what game I wanted to play. I said Halo, of course. So we played for a while. I figured I'd have to show her the ropes, 'cause girls suck at videogames, but she's actually pretty good. As good as me, almost. We went through the whole game on Legendary really fast... I said we could probably own entire servers on Live, but she hasn't subscribed yet.

And I guess we had been playing games for a while. I know I play video games a lot... or, at least I used to, until I started hanging out with Aleksandra, but I can't play them for that long in one sitting, you know? I don't think she can either. We just sort of looked at each other and quit playing at the same exact time.

It was like eleven in the morning by then, so I'd already been up for about six hours. Told Aleksandra that I was gonna go home to grab lunch and be right back... she asked me if I wanted to eat lunch with her. I said that would be great, and I think I smiled. Dunno why. But it seemed like it would be great at the time. I mean, it _was_great. She changed, came back down in like five minutes, and told me to sit at the island while she cooked for me.

I guess she's a lot like my mom like that. Mom never lets me touch anything in the kitchen, except for when she wants me to. It doesn't really make sense... it's kind of like she wants to cook for me. Aleksandra was the same way. The only thing she let me do was put the bread in the toaster... she did everything else.

We chatted while we--I mean, she--cooked. Mostly in Russian and Ukrainian. Me, Mom and Dad don't speak Russian that much... sometimes at home, and sometimes when we're out together and don't want other folks to understand us. I guess Ukrainian is still Aleksandra's first language, and Russian is as good as.

I wonder if she thinks I've got a crazy accent when I speak Russian, like she does when she speaks English.

We had sandwiches for lunch. And fish soup. It's kind of like what Mom makes, but more Ukrainian, if that makes sense. It was really good... I told Aleksandra that. I'm just used to telling whoever's cooking if it's good. Dad told me to do that when I was like seven, and it became a habit. Mom likes it... and so does Aleksandra. She smiled at me for a really long time when I told her she made a great lunch.

Next thing we did... we just headed outside and wandered around, I guess. Aleksandra still doesn't know that much about the area, and she's gotta learn some time. I made sure to call Mom and let her know what was up. She only said to be safe... and this isn't gonna make sense, but I swear to God I know she had _that_look on when we were talking.

She asked me if we were going to spend the whole day together... I said yeah, absolutely.

I showed Aleksandra around the neighborhood. She's been here for a while now, but I've been here my whole life... I showed her where everyone from school lives, and a couple ways to walk to town and school and stuff. I haven't actually been around in my own neighborhood for a while. I mean, why would I go out? I haven't hung out with cubs my age for... ten years, easy. Except for Aleksandra. And she's the first person I've hung out with in a long damn time.

We got back to my place eventually. It was kind of cold out, even for me, so I asked Aleksandra if she wanted to hang out at my place for a while, play some games and stuff. She said it would be fun, so we headed in.

Dad was back early from work. He usually doesn't work on Saturdays, but he had a bunch of paperwork to get through. Said he'd be gone the whole day, but I guess he got done things fast. Makes sense to me. He's really smart, after all.

This was his first time seeing Aleksandra, though. She was all shy when they met. It was kind of cool. I got to thinking, since I think that Aleksandra looks a lot like her dad, does she think that I look a lot like my dad? I guess I kind of do. I get my height from him, and my hair. But everything else comes from Mom. Which is great. I like the way I look.

Anyway, I think they're gonna get along. It was nice to know that; dunno why. It's not like it matters, since they're not gonna hang out or anything. But it was still nice.

I told Aleksandra that my Xbox is in my room, and she started to head up with me. She seemed really nervous, though. I'm a tiger--I can tell when people are scared. It's easy, because they're shaking all over the place, and breathing different. I can even hear their hearts beat if I want.

I heard Aleksandra's heart beat. That was pretty cool, but I didn't want her to be scared.

I turned around and kept walking up the stairs. I was going backward, and not too many people can do that. I've seen a couple idiots try it at school, they always end up flat on their faces. But I'm a tiger. Aleksandra's a snow leopard... I bet she can go backward up stairs too, if she tries.

Anyway, I told Aleksandra that there was no way that I was going to hurt her. That she didn't have to be scared. That calmed her down a little bit, and she smiled. Still seemed really nervous, though. She was still blushing, too. I didn't know what else to do, so I just took her into my room and turned on the Xbox.

I dunno why, but Aleksandra seemed kind of disappointed. She was kind of... looking off to the side, and holding her tail and stuff. I thought of asking her what was wrong, but I just left her be for a minute, and told her that Dad likes her. Told her that I was glad to see that. She got over whatever was bugging her pretty quick, and we had some fun gaming for like two hours.

I was in a pretty good mood when we were finished. I think I had a big, goofy grin on or something, 'cause Aleksandra took one look at me and giggled in that high-pitched, girly way of hers. I didn't mind. I know can look kind of silly when I'm that happy. I was in such a good mood that I asked Aleksandra if she would walk around for me again. She seemed kind of surprised, but she said, "Da, Alex, I will..." real quietly.

She closed the door and sort of looked around for a minute. I guess there's not much room in my room, with me there. Actually, there was no room to walk around at all, until Aleksandra told me to sit on my bed. Then there was a little room.

I think she'd dressed up a little bit. I didn't really notice it until then. But she kind of dressed up. I don't know why girls do that, but I'm pretty sure Aleksandra was. She was wearing her jeans skirt again, and those big long socks that she usually does when she's running. I guess she was trying to keep warm.

She was wearing a weird kind of shirt. Two shirts. The one on top was sleeveless, and sort of had these horizontal ovals starting at the bottom and going all the way to the top. Not really much of a shirt--I guess that's why the one under it was longsleeved. Both of them were pretty tight. Really tight. I could see how thin she was--and she's not that thin, for a girl. She's like... almost buff, for a girl. It's really cool. I guess it's 'cause she's an athlete.

She took her jacket off and started to walk for me. There wasn't much room, so she moved _really_slow, but that was A-okay with me. God, she's amazing. I think she's starting to figure out what I like.She used to move her hips around a lot--dunno why she'd do something like that--but now she walks normally, just the way I like it. Well, not exactly normally. Mostly, she uses her tail just a little bit to balance, like me, but she moved that around a lot. It's great to watch, sort of going _swoosh_through the air.

God, she spoils me. I mean, she really spoils me. Mom spoils me a lot, but I'd skip dessert for a week to watch Aleksandra walk around for like one--two hours. I have to find a way to thank her for this. I wish she'd ask me to do something for her.

I'm shaking right now--I got to take a break.

...

Alright, I'll try not to get too excited now. Gonna try to stay cool. But it's fucking difficult. She's something else.

Alright... well, like I already said, she walked really slow, just for me. Just for me. No one else was watching her. I think she was still blushing, but not as much. Every time I looked at her face she was either smiling, or starting to smile. Dunno why, but I think she likes it that I can't take my eyes off her.

She walked really close to me, but I couldn't see it all from where I was. I sat back down on the floor, and I guess she didn't mind. She was a lot closer to me like that, plus, my head was pretty much level with her legs. I must have watched her for a good half hour before I kind of reached out to her. I looked up at her and tried to ask if I could touch her tail, but my throat was all dry. Tried to swallow, but that didn't help. I guess I just said "Can I?" and she knew what I was talking about, because she nodded and held still for a minute.

I've never really touched anyone's tail before. I've never fuckin' _wanted_to touch anyone's tail before. I mean, why would I want to do that? It doesn't make any sense. I can't even figure out why I wanted to touch her tail now. But I did, and I'm glad she let me.

Man, is she soft. I can't even describe it. Her tail looks pretty big and fluffy; like 90% of it has to be fur. It's fucking--it's amazing. Feels like holding a cloud. I kind of ran my fingers through her fur for a second before letting her tail go, and saying thanks a few times. I'm pretty sure I was purring a little bit... heh,I can't believe she didn't call me a cub or something. But she was pretty much smiling and blushing at me the whole time.

After that, she started to walk again. Basically the same speed. God, I wanted to put my hand on her leg and feel her move, but I'd already gotten so much of what I wanted. I just left Aleksandra alone, and kept looking at her. Tried to take my attention off her legs... so I started to look at her hair.

I stood up at some point. Dunno when. I wanted to touch her hair, too. I wanted to touch her so badly. I couldn't stop myself from wanting to touch her. I stared at her so damn much, I'm surprised she didn't get freaked out. I had to look away otherwise I'd go insane. She was just too much to take all at once.

I guess she figured that she'd done something wrong, because she said she was sorry. I told her that it wasn't her fault. Told her that we'd better do something else. She seemed a little sad for a minute, but I think she understood what was going on. And that was different. No one really understands me. Mom and Dad kind of do, but I'm pretty sure Aleksandra gets me even more than they do. She gets me, and she knows where my limits are and what I don't like. But she... it's almost like she was challenging me.

She held my hand for a minute. I was still trying to calm down from looking at her so much, and I don't know how, but that actually helped. I mean, I usually hate it when people touch me at all. And last time she touched my hand Ididn't like it at all. But this time I did. I even kind of touched her hand back. I think she liked that. She must have liked that. Because she sort of came closer to me and rubbed her head under my chin just for like half a second.

I think I almost fainted. I mean, I liked that, a lot. Hell if I know why. But it made me feel really good. Sort of... light, you know? She knew that I liked that, but she didn't do it again. If she'd have done that again, I would have fainted. I was still all dizzy when we headed downstairs.

Mom and Dad knew that something was up. I think, anyway. When we got downstairs, they both had _that_smile on. I was about to ask them what was up, but Mom said that she and Dad were going out for a while. I said that was fine. They left like two minutes later... I thought about what to do for a while. Figured, hey, we've got a big TV, might as well use it.

Turns out there was an interesting show on, for a change. I got Aleksandra to sit down... headed into the kitchen to make hot chocolate. When I was finished, Aleksandra was all curled up on the couch with a blanket. I guess it was kind of cold inside... that's weird. Maybe Mom and Dad turned the heat off or something, but why the Hell would they do that?

So I gave Aleksandra the hot chocolate, she said thanks, I said it was nothing. Sat down next to her and started to watch the TV. Was kind of a neat show, but Aleksandra kept distracting me. Not on purpose, but in a good way. I can't fucking stop staring at her and I don't know why. I ought to be pissed off at that but I'm not, and she definitely ought to be pissed off at me but she's not. It's so confusing, and I'm worried. I just couldn't stop looking at her, and I know she noticed it. Could see it in her eyes. She wasn't watching TV. She was looking at the TV, but she was paying attention to me. Kind of looking at me out the corner of her eyes.

Aleksandra sort of held up the blanket after a while. She was still sitting under it and it was kind of small, and I wasn't really cold. I was gonna say no thanks, but she looked at me and I clammed up. I guess I must have nodded, because she smiled at me and kind of scooted over. She was blushing a whole bunch, and I think I mighta been too, but she sat real close to me and wrapped the blanket around both of us. Had to sit cross-legged on the couch to get into it, but it wasn't a big deal. Besides, it was definitely worth it.

It was really warm with Aleksandra under the blanket. Really warm. I've got a pretty thick coat so I don't care about the cold that much, but I really noticed how warm it was. I guess Aleksandra's just got a really hot body.

I think we watched a couple of shows. Wasn't really paying too much attention to the TV. Aleksandra was kind of holding my hand for a long time, and this time it didn't freak me out at all. She even sort of massaged my hand in hers a little bit... and it felt pretty good. Felt really good, actually. We finished our hot chocolate pretty quickly, so I asked Aleksandra if she wanted more. She said no. She said that she liked being where she was. I was cool with that. So I took the empty mugs and kind of put them off to the side somewhere.

She got closer to me. I was starting to get a little antsy, but she took it really slow, so I was alright with it. She kind of rested her head against my shoulder eventually... I guess that was okay. It was a little weird, but it felt okay. Besides, I could look right at her from close up. Man, she has great hair. It was kind of messed up 'cause she was leaning on it weird, but I didn't care. I sort of wanted to pet her, but that would just be too much. Besides, I was enjoying myself as it was.

Aleksandra got a text from her dad like a few hours ago... said he was coming home. I guess that was her cue to go. It's funny... we didn't really do anything since we came down from my room, but I still felt kind of bad to see her go. It was pretty dark out and stuff, so I walked her to her house. Dunno why. It's really safe where we live, and Aleksandra could probably fuck anyone up except for me, but I wanted to make sure she was okay. I walked her right up to her door before saying goodbye. Oh yeah--I asked her if we could hang out tomorrow, and she smiled and said definitely. I was glad to hear that. I think I basically skipped home.

Mom and Dad were out pretty late. I think they went out for dinner or something. It's fine that they go out sometimes without me. I mean, that's just how it is.

I did a few pushups and stuff in the basement and took a shower, and played Xbox until they came back like five minutes ago. They asked me what me and Aleksandra did, so I pretty much told them. I didn't tell them that she walked around for me... that would be pretty weird, and I don't want my parents to think that I'm a weirdo.

But I think they figured out that she did something for me. They always know things about me, even if I don't tell them.

I wrote a lot today here. It's really weird to make a log for a Saturday... but I kind of like it. Maybe Aleksandra will hang out with me next Saturday and I can make a log then, too. I'm definitely making a log tomorrow... got a few ideas for things we can do.

It's so damn weird that I have so much to write about. It's fucking--I don't know. I don't know what's going on. I'm kind of scared, and I don't even know what I'm scared of. It's almost like I'm on drugs or something. I don't know what's happening to me. I guess kind of like it... and I think it has a lot to do with Aleksandra.

I have to go to sleep now. I'm like passing out right now. I can't remember the last time I was so tired and so excited for the next day.

2/15/09

I'm not gonna write logs for the day at just the end of the day anymore. It would get to be too much to write all at once. I'll try to take a few minutes here and there to keep track of what I'm doing... probably gonna forget things less that way, too.

Anyway, right now it's like six in the morning. I pretty much just got up and showered and stuff. You know, put on my clothes and all that. I told Aleksandra to text me when she's ready to hang out, so I'm basically waiting for that to happen.

My car's got gas in it, and I think I'm pretty much ready to spend the whole day with Aleksandra. I got a few ideas of what to do, but I want to see what she wants. I dunno why I care what she wants. I should just do what I want and if she wants to hang around with me, well, cool. But it's not like that anymore. Dunno why, but I don't mind. Actually, I kind of like it.

Alright, that's the text. I'm gonna head to Aleksandra's place now. Just gotta say bye to Mom and Dad for the day. Know what--I'm gonna give them both a kiss on the cheek when I go. I saw Aleksandra do that to her dad when he left, and they've got something special going on. I want to have that same thing going on with my folks.

...

Alright, it's like eleven o'clock right now. I'm still at Aleksandra's place, and she's making lunch. I dunno what it is yet, 'cause she won't tell me and she won't let me get close or help, either. That's fine, though. It smells great. Plus, she's facing away from me, so I get to watch her tail, and her hair. It's a sweet deal. Her tail keeps on bobbing back and forth as she walks around... it's really something.

Anyway, we spent most of the morning basically playing video games and doing our homework. I think we're pretty much done our papers... might have to get Mills to look them over a little bit, but mine's not getting much better. It's funny--felt like time moved a lot faster than it usually does. I guess I was having a lot of fun, though. I mean, damn, even homework's not that bad when I'm doing it with Aleksandra.

We got this old game after we ran through Halo again. I can't remember the name. It's kind of different. Not what I usually play. There were basically no guns, for one thing. It wasn't even for the Xbox, it was for Aleksandra's Nintendo 64. Who uses N64s anymore? I guess she does...

I guess it doesn't seem like I've done that much. But I dunno. It feels like it's been a great day so far. We had some fun playing games. She laughed a lot, so I was happy. Hearing her laugh's something else. Usually people laughing just piss me off, especially if they're girls, but Aleksandra's different.

We talked a little bit while we were doing homework. Not that much, but a little bit. This time, it was mostly me telling her about myself. I had a tough time doing it, actually. I mean, no one's really ever asked me about me. Why would they? The only ones that care are Mom and Dad, and they know everything about me.

Then again... Aleksandra did tell me that she likes having me around a while ago. Hold on, let me ask her again.

Yeah, she likes having me around. She told me that and smiled a bunch. I'm pretty sure I smiled back. I said thanks. Dunno why, but I really liked hearing that. I like knowing that she likes having me around. No clue why. Hold on, gotta ask something else...

Now I'm definitely smiling. And probably blushing. Nah, definitely blushing, 'cause my cheek's all hot. I asked Aleksandra if she cares about me... and she said yeah to that, too. I got really happy real fast when she said that. Hell, I'm... fuck, I'm having a hard time writing. It feels like there's something in my throat but I didn't eat anything--am I choking? I'm trying to swallow and it's not doing anything. But I can breathe just fine.

Can't write anymore for now. Got to get some water.

...

Know what, I'm just gonna rough it and write the log for the day at the end of the day from here on out. I don't want to waste time that I could be spending with Aleksandra writing. Right now, she's washing the dishes--won't let me help out with that either. Lunch was great again... she made us sandwiches on rye with salad this time. Usually, I think that Mom's cooking is the best, but I dunno, Aleksandra's giving her a run for her money.

Anyway, we're gonna head out in like two minutes. Aleksandra said she wanted to head to Krebs' Forest when I told her about how there was a big deal a couple years ago when it became an official National Forest, so I said, why not go now? It's only like forty minutes away, and it's definitely worth going there. Especially on a Sunday in the middle of February. No one's gonna be there except for us.

We're probably gonna end up spending a while there, so I just told Aleksandra to bring gloves and stuff. I always keep a pair of gloves in my trenchcoat, so I'll be fine. Hey, maybe Aleksandra will wear a, what's it called... a "beanie", I think. Dunno why, but I kind of want to see her in a beanie, with her long blond hair sort of coming out of it. I think she'd look really nice like that.

...

Long day. Real long day. I'm pretty beat now, but there's no way I'm skipping writing a log today. I did a load, and I want to be able to remember it all.

So yeah, me and Aleksandra went to Krebs' Forest. It actually took only like half an hour, 'cause there was no traffic at all. Once we got up into the mountains, there was still snow on the ground, but not on the roads, so it was an easy drive. We didn't even really get into the forest when Aleksandra said that it was amazing.

I'm glad I got one of those year-round National Park passes a few months ago. It's gonna come in useful, especially this spring and summer, when me, Mom and Dad go vacationing. Hey--maybe I can get Aleksandra to come. And her dad, too. My parents haven't met her dad, and they should... at least, I think they should. I want them to get along. Dunno why.

Anyway, Krebs' was great, just like it always is. I brought a map, just to make Aleksandra feel safe, but I know that place really well. Really well. One time, when I was like ten, I kind of wandered off from Mom and Dad. I didn't even realize it until like two hours later, and there was apparently a huge deal about it... people were starting to search for me and everything, but I just walked back to the parking lot and found them by myself.

Most people don't really like to just walk around in forests, but I do. And Aleksandra does. I asked her about that--she said that she's always liked to just hang out in forests, even when she was just a kitten. She said there are tons of forests in Ukraine, but it's not always safe to go wandering around by yourself. She didn't say why, and I didn't ask. Just said that we'd definitely be safe, because no one messes with me, and when she's with me, no one will mess with her.

Besides, I bet she can take care of herself. I don't think she's ever fought anyone, but I bet she can tear just about anyone apart. She's really strong, and not just for a girl.

We went off the trail, even though you're not supposed to do that. Apparently, lots of people have gotten lost in Krebs' over the past few years. A few folks even died. That's really terrible and all, but some of them didn't bring maps, or phones, or anything. I mean, I'm not saying they deserved it, or they're stupid, but nothing's gonna happen to me or Aleksandra. Definitely nothing's gonna happen to Aleksandra.

Even though it felt like we were wandering, it also kind of felt like we were going somewhere. I know that doesn't make sense, but that's just how it is. Sometimes I followed Aleksandra, sometimes she followed me, sometimes we were just side by side, but it always felt like one of us, or both of us, were heading somewhere.

We found a couple interesting things. Krebs' is different every time I go there, but there's always something amazing to see. This time, I found a waterfall... maybe ten feet tall, and all quiet. A lot of the water was frozen, at the top and the bottom of the waterfall... so only like a little water was coming down. But it was a Hell of a sight. It was so quiet and still--me and Aleksandra both just stopped, for like five minutes, to just look and listen.

Pretty soon, I was concentrating hard enough to hear her heart beat. I told her that... heh, I whispered, but it was so loud that we both jumped. But after that, she said that she could hear my heart beat, too.

I kind of looked down after that, and I should have been surprised, but I wasn't. She must have started to hold my hand at some point, 'cause she was holding my hand then. Well, technically, her glove was holding my glove, but it's the same basic thing. Didn't feel as warm... but it still felt good, I dunno how. I didn't even want her to let go, but she kind of did, and we started heading out again.

It got really dark really fast after that. We were on the east sides of the mountains, and just as we started to head back to the parking lot it got really windy. Especially when we were passing through the valley. It got _really_cold, I could feel it through my trenchcoat. I checked my watch, and it said the temperature was five below, and that was without windchill, so it must have felt like twenty below easy.

It was actually kind of... not scary, but it gave me a little rush. Well, I kind of was a little scared, or worried, about Aleksandra... but she seemed okay. She was shivering a little bit, but she was enjoying things as much as I was. Gave me a big smile when I asked if she was alright.

We got back to the parking lot at like five. It took a while for my car to warm up, and both of us were still pretty cold, so we just stayed there for a while and talked a little bit. I think it got even colder outside, and the wind got seriously intense. But it felt all safe in the car, even before it started to get warm... Me and Aleksandra were both kind of looking out, and around. The trees were really dark and stuff, and the snow on the ground got kicked up and blown by the wind, so it pretty much looked like a blizzard. And then it actually started to snow, a lot... It does that up in the mountains, and I knew we could get like six inches in an hour, no lie. So we bugged out like right after that.

I wish I could say that what we did next was just my idea, but it really wasn't. It was Mom and Dad that gave me the idea yesterday night. They went out to a restaurant, and they looked like they'd had a lot of fun there... so I figured, hey, why not take Aleksandra out to eat at a real sit-down restaurant? I mean, we've already been to diners and stuff, and a restaurant is basically the same thing, just better, right?

I dunno why I felt all nervous. I've been to plenty of restaurants before. There's nothing that bad about them. I mean, sure, some of them can get loud and stuff, but I can live with it. But yeah, I was definitely nervous when we got there. I don't think Aleksandra was. Her cheeks were red from the cold.

We went to the place that Takahashi showed me last Saturday. It didn't take too long to get there, since it's not far from Krebs' Forest. Aleksandra said that she didn't know too much about Japanese food. I said it was fine, 'cause I really don't either. Last time, I just asked Takahashi for advice, and he pointed out some good stuff. I remembered what I ordered then, so this time I just picked something basically the same and asked the waiter a few questions so that Aleksandra could get something nice too. She got kind of shy when she saw the waiter... started looking at her hands and stuff.

I guess it's because the waiter goes to Rob Lee. He definitely recognized both of us, but so what? I'm used to being recognized, because I'm the only one around covered in stripes from head to toe... and Aleksandra's the only one covered in dapples, or spots, from head to toe. I guess she's not really used to being one of a kind. I asked her about Ukraine... turns out basically everyone there's a snow leopard, human, or a tiger like me.

It sounds like a great place. All those big cats... it must really be something. You know, I kind of want to go to Russia now. With Aleksandra. I've never been there, but she has, and she said there's lots of stuff to do in Moscow and St. Petersburg. We could go there and just hang out with all the tigers and snow leopards up there. That would be something, to walk around and see a bunch of stripes everywhere. That would be something--heh, I can't even really imagine it, 'cause it's such a weird idea.

It didn't take too long for Aleksandra to calm down at the restaurant. I guess she's like the way I used to be. I used to be afraid of restaurants and stuff... basically any public places. I guess I still kind of am, but I just quit caring when I started high school. Dunno why.

So yeah, the food was great. Really great. It took us a long time to eat, 'cause we were talking. About all kinds of stuff--I can't even remember it all. It's pretty weird. I never used to talk to anyone, but I always have something to say to Aleksandra. And she always listens. It's pretty weird--she actually likes to hang out with me. I don't know--she's got to be the only one that really does, except Mom and Dad. She actually likes being around me. I can't get over that--I can barely believe it, you know? I mean, I'm a pretty weird guy, all right, I know that. But she's all normal, and a nice girl, and she actually likes me.

Thanks, Aleksandra. I'll... make it up to you somehow. Someday. I don't know. I'll buy you a car or something. That would be a start.

...

Alright, Mom made me get to bed, but I couldn't sleep. I just couldn't. I tried for a while, and I think I might have taken a little nap, but I'm up again. It's like two o'clock in the morning... ugh. Tomorrow, I mean today, at school, I'm gonna have fun...

Me and Aleksandra had a good time at the restaurant. I asked her about it right before the drive back home--she said she had a great time. I got pretty happy when she said that. So we drove back to her place, and I kind of hit a brick wall right there. Had no clue what to do--but Aleksandra had an idea. She told me to come inside, and take off my coat and stuff and sit down on the couch.

I didn't really know what was going on. She headed into her room for like two minutes, and then came back down in different clothes. Nice clothes, the kind that I like. I told her when we were eating that I like the way she looks in her shorts and tank top, when she's playing volleyball or running or whatever--so I guess she put those on, just for me. Can you believe that? I still dunno if I can. She's so nice to me--I mean, I try to be nice to her, but I can't really--I don't think she likes any kind of outfit on me. So I dunno what I can do.

Anyway, I think she could see that I was all excited when she came back downstairs. I could tell that I was excited--my ears were all perked up and everything, plus, I didn't want to look at anything but her. Not that I usually want to look at anything but her.

I can't get over her. I mean, it's like two o'clock in the morning, and I can't stop thinking about her. It's like I'm sick or something, but I don't think I am. I dunno... Maybe I'll talk to Takahashi about this tomorrow. He always gives me great advice.

So, once Aleksandra was dressed up like that, she sort of walked over to me. I think she was still nervous, or embarrassed, because it was a few minutes since we'd gotten in. So she couldn't still be cold... but she definitely had reddish cheeks. She looks really nice with reddish cheeks.

Anyway, she sat down next to me, really close. I didn't mind it at all--I think I've pretty much gotten used to it. Maybe it's because she's a big cat, just like me, but I can handle it when she's close to me. She's real soft, she has a nice voice, and she smells pretty nice, too. And that's rare.

I don't know what she did next, exactly. She sort of took my arm and hugged it... I could tell she was going really slow on purpose, just for me. I can't believe--usually, no one cares how I feel about things. I mean, they do if I threaten to fuck them up if they mess with me, but I've never threatened to do anything to Aleksandra. And I don't want to, either. I really don't want to do anything bad to Aleksandra, or even tell her that I will.

I guess she wasn't lying when she said she cares about me. She was going really slow, and she even asked me if she could do what she was doing. At least, I think that's what she was asking. She sort of looked at me, blushed, and said, "Can I?" just like I did when I wanted to touch her tail.

You know, I guess she wants to touch me, too. That would explain a lot, even though it doesn't make sense. I mean, I'm not--I'm not all soft and fluffy. My fur is pretty thick and sleek, yeah, but I'm... my body's a lot different than hers. Dunno why she'd want to touch me. But it looks like she does. 'Cause that's all she did for like half an hour.

And I liked it. It was really different, but I liked it. It made me feel... I dunno. Like I was a kitten again. Or like I was a normal kitten. Mom always talks about how I was as a kitten. She says I was a great little guy, never cried or anything, but I hated being touched and picked up and hugged and stuff. She usually gets pretty sad when she says that... and I think I know why. I mean, I don't have any brothers or sisters... I'm about the only chance Mom ever had to like cuddle a cub.

Dunno why anyone would want to do that... well, I mean, I guess I can kind of see why, but not really--anyway, she always gets sad when she talks about how much I always hated being touched. And I always end up feeling guilty and letting her sort of hold me for a while. I hate it, but she's my mom--I'm not gonna say no to her if she _really_asks me to do anything, no matter what it is.

Aleksandra pretty much treated me like a cub when we were at her place. For a while, anyway. All she wanted to do was sort of hold and hug my arm. It was weird--but, like I said, I didn't mind it. It felt... I dunno. I really don't know. But it wasn't bad. Besides, I could see her up close and stuff, and listen to her heart beat and breathing, so that was nice.

She seemed kind of sad, but I don't know why. I asked her what was wrong a couple times, but she always said it was nothing. But... I dunno why, but I think she wanted me to do something that I wasn't doing. She definitely wanted me to do something, but I didn't know what to do. So I told her that if she wanted to do anything with me, that was alright. I told her I'd be fine with it.

She kind of looked at me after that. I didn't regret saying what I did, not even right then, but I could tell she was going to do something big. Something that I probably wouldn't like--but I just told her to go ahead and do it, whatever it was. I wouldn't say no to Mom for anything big... I wouldn't say no to Aleksandra for something big, either.

I didn't really like what she did next. Not for a while, anyway. But I grinned and beared it, and after a while, it started to feel okay.

Aleksandra got really close to me. Like, _really_close. She quit hugging just my arm, and started to hug my whole body. It was kind of weird, since we were sitting down and she was next to me, but I could tell it was really important to her. She didn't let go of me for a while, and now and then she'd kind of squeeze me. Dunno why she did that.

She also sort of rubbed her face against my shoulder. It felt... that actually felt really good. Really good, so I stayed real still to feel it. She must have figured that I didn't like that, 'cause she leaned back, but I told her it was okay. That she could do it again if she wanted. But she didn't.

She looked really sad then. Really happy, too, and at the same time. I know that doesn't make any sense, but that's how it was. She was smiling, but she was also... she wasn't crying, but she looked pretty sad. Really sad. So I asked her what was wrong, and she asked me why I'm not touching her back. She asked that in Ukrainian, so I answered in Ukrainian. Kind of.

I told her that I'm not really into touching. Not really--but when she does it, it's okay. It even feels kind of good. I told her everything--I told her how I almost passed out when she rubbed her face under my chin, how I saw stars when she conked my cheek with her tail. Told her how much I liked her tail, and her fur, and her hair, and her legs. Since I was looking right at her, I realized how much I liked her eyes, so I told her that, too.

I told her I dunno why I wasn't touching her back. It would feel great to just hold her tail or touch her fur for a while... but I just couldn't. Not that much. I sort of shut up after that, 'cause she'd looked away from me and fallen all still and quiet. She didn't even move her tail anymore.

Like a minute later, she asked me if I wanted her to walk for me again. I said yeah, definitely, and I think that cheered her up a little bit. She got up off of the couch, gave me a little smile, but she didn't just start to walk. She took a step back, sort of crossed her arms, blushed, and then she took her shirt off.

I dunno why the Hell she'd want to do something like that. I dunno--I mean, it doesn't make any sense, right? I was pretty confused--didn't know what to do--so I just kind of sat there and watched. She must have been really hot or something, because she didn't stop there. She was seriously blushing, but she didn't stop. She pushed her shorts down and then stepped out of them, and sort of stood there, just looking at me for a while.

She was still wearing underwear--you know, girls' underwear--but that was about it. I could see basically all of her. I've never seen her underbelly before, except for a little bit under her chin... God, it's something. Pure white, kind of like mine. Plus, Aleksandra's all buff from exercising so much, so she kind of has abs. You can see them under her fur.

I guess she could tell I liked her belly. She sort of stepped closer to me, a little bit... I guess I noticed that, but I was still staring, you know? I dunno why she's so nice to me. I don't even know how she knew that I'd like something like this--none of this makes any sense, especially for me. I know some other guys like this kind of stuff, but not me. I'm not into touching or any of that stuff, but it looks like Aleksandra's the exception for me. I literally couldn't breathe for a while when I was looking at her underbelly.

I guess she wanted me to see the rest of her, though. Which was fine with me. I don't even know what my favorite part of her is anymore--she's perfect from head to toe. But the next thing she did was to turn around about halfway, so I was looking at her back. She kind of looked back at me over her shoulder... I guess to see if I was okay, even though she was blushing a ton. She kind of lifted her hair up with her hands so that I could see her from, you know, her waist, all the way up to her neck.

She's--I want to say, really something, but I don't think that cuts it. She's... amazing. Yeah, that kind of gets close. Kind of.

Aleksandra's got dapples all over her, except for on her underbelly. They're on her back, plus, when she stood like that, I could see her hair and the back of her neck real nice. I don't know why she'd show the back of her neck to me--I mean, I'm a tiger, and even though she's really strong, she'd have no chance if I tried to take her out right there. I guess she... she really trusts me. I guess she believed it when I told her that there was no way that I'd ever hurt her.

So she turned back around so that she was facing me again. She was still blushing like crazy, so I asked her if she was hot, or cold, or if I was upsetting her--she just shook her head and kind of looked away and started to walk.

I didn't know what I'd been missing. Watching Aleksandra walk with clothes on, that's something. But I swear I didn't blink for like ten minutes when she started to walk without her clothes on. It's... I can't even describe it. I could see her muscles and stuff a lot better, plus her tail was moving around a lot 'cause I guess she was nervous. I tried to look at her hair a little bit, but I just couldn't look away from her legs. And her core--Aleksandra's got a crazy core. All toned, pure white...

I couldn't stop looking at her. I can't stop thinking about her right now. She's incredible. I can't believe she'd take off her clothes so that I could see her like that--how did she know I'd like that? I damn sure didn't. But she did. Why does she do all this for me? I know she cares about me, but she's doing so much for me. I'm... it's like overwhelming. She actually took her clothes off, just so that I could see her from head to toe with basically nothing on.

I guess I was purring pretty loudly. Aleksandra kind of laughed at one point and told me that, so I tried to quiet down. Don't think it worked. She just kept walking for like another few minutes before she sat down in front of me, facing me, and just looked at me.

I think she was still sad. But she still looked happy, too. I didn't know what was bothering her--asked her if there was anything I could do. I told her I'd definitely do it, no matter what she asked, but she wouldn't say a word for like two minutes. She just kind of looked at me, and then got closer--way closer. She kind of sat on my lap and looked right at me.

Usually, looking at people for that long freaks me out. Especially if they're close up. But I didn't want to stop looking at Aleksandra. She's so... beautiful. That's the word, yeah. She's amazing. I can't stop thinking about her right now, even though it's like 2:30 in the morning. Every time I see her, I find something else about her that I can't stop thinking about. Her sweet little pink nose, and her whiskers--that's what I liked the most right then. They didn't really move when she breathed, even though I could feel her breath on my face. And Aleksandra's got great breath. Even though we just ate, it was all clean and stuff. I guess she had a Tic-Tac or something.

Hold on... there was something kind of weird. I just noticed it like right now.

I'm pretty used to the way Aleksandra smells these days. Like, pretty used to it. In the mornings, I can tell if she used one kind of toothpaste or the other, or if she used one squirt of perfume or two. I know what she smells like... and she smelled kind of weird. Actually, she started to smell weird a couple minutes before she took off her clothes. It was just a little more intense when she was sitting on me. I dunno what it was... it was... kind of a sweet, ish, smell. I can't describe it. It made it hard to think straight, though. I dunno. I'll figure out what it was later.

So Aleksandra was sitting on me for like a minute. I didn't really do anything, 'cause she didn't ask me to yet. But then she did. She told me to kiss her and touch her, and whatever else I wanted. She rubbed her cheek against my chin and then sort of tilted her head back and looked up at me.

She'd kind of wrapped her arms around me. And her legs a little bit, too. Since my coat was off, I could feel a lot of her fur against mine... God, is she warm. Like I said, she's kind of like a pale, soft electric blanket with blond hair and big brown eyes. I realized that she was hugging me again, and that kind of made my heart do a backflip... at least, that's what it felt like.

Honestly, I really didn't want to do either of the things she asked me to. I mean, I wanted to touch her, kind of, but I liked having my arms sort of at my sides so that she could hold me just like that. But I didn't want to mess things up. I thought about telling her no, sorry, and then just going... but I got to thinking about everything she does for me. She hangs out with me, lets me watch her walk, touch her... She cares about me and she actually talks to me, listens to me and gets what the Hell I'm saying. She's hugged me twice now, and she even took her clothes off so that I could see her better.

I guess she's... no, she's definitely my friend, like Takahashi said. We hang out a lot, I have her cell number, we go to school together... she's my friend. I can't believe it--I actually have a friend. That's--I mean, the last time I tried to get a friend was in like first grade because Mom told me to. I tried for like a week and then I basically gave up. But now I actually have Aleksandra as a friend. I can't even believe it.

I guess I kind of realized that at the time, though. Not... consciously, but sort of underneath it all, you know? I thought about all the stuff she'd done for me, and figured hey, if she wants me to say thank you like this, why not? I still owe her big time.

So I kissed her right on her forehead and then put my hands on her back, right on, you know, the strap of her thingy. She kind of gasped when I did that, but I didn't realize it at the time. Was just concentrating on the feeling of her hair in my fingers. It's long enough to reach that far down her back easy.

I'd done what she said. I kissed her and touched her, and know what, it wasn't that bad. I actually... think I kind of liked it. No, I definitely liked it. She's really soft and warm--why wouldn't Ilike it? Anyway, I'd done what she said, basically. But she said to do whatever I wanted, so I did. I pulled her in pretty close and gave her a hug--first time I've done that to anyone on my own in... I don't even know how long. But I hugged her pretty tight and rubbed my cheek against her head and her sweet blond hair. I said thanks, for everything, and that I'd kiss her and touch her again any time she wanted. All she has to do is ask.

She didn't really do much for a while. I kind of thought I'd upset her or something and that she was gonna shove me away, so I kind of took my hands away, but she stopped me. And she hugged me back pretty tightly and nuzzled under my chin again. She was all gentle and slow, but I still got close to passing out. I swear, when she does that... I dunno. I'm... there's something in my throat again. I dunno.

It's three in the morning now, and I'm pretty tired. I'm pretty happy, though. Usually I don't look forward to school days, or even just waking up in the morning. But now I do, because I know that I'm gonna see Aleksandra. I know it's gonna be a good tomorrow.

2/16/09

Woke up in the morning. Picked Aleksandra up at her place. We stopped at a bakery on the way to school, got them to open up just a little early so we could grab some cupcakes for Takahashi. Headed to school and talked the teachers in the cafeteria into letting us head to Takahashi's room early.

So we went there and hung out for a while. He wasn't there. Didn't come. And he's always early. I thought something was up, but I figured, hey, everyone oversleeps now and then. Even Takahashi. He was an old man, after all.

But he still didn't come. It got to like within fifteen minutes of class and that was when this guy came and told us.

At least he went peacefully. And painlessly. In his sleep and all. And he was an old guy. He was turning ninety five and all.

But God damn it, why did he have to go? He wasn't my friend exactly, but he was my favorite teacher. My favorite old guy outside of my family. And he had so much left to do. We were just getting into magnetism--now who the Hell is gonna teach me this stuff? How--no one can teach physics like Takahashi does. Did. No one's ever gonna get close.

I dunno how I got through the rest of the day. I think it was because of Aleksandra. I didn't want to do anything, but she stayed with me. She left me alone but she stayed with me too, if that makes sense. She knows what I need, but I don't know how. It's like... I dunno. I'm thinking about her right now, right after thinking about Takahashi, and she's calming me down. Even though she's two blocks away and probably sleeping.

After we drove home, we just hung out in her driveway for a while. She asked me to tell her about Takahashi and everything we did together. Everything he taught me. It must have taken like... two hours, but Aleksandra just sat there and listened. I think she started to hold my hand at one point and sort of petted it... that felt good. It kept me calm. And I dunno how, but sitting there and talking to Aleksandra all that time made me feel okay. She did basically the same thing that Mom did like when I got home.

I know Aleksandra's my friend. My only friend. But if I had other friends, I think she'd still be my best friend. Even if she didn't walk for me at all, she'd be my best friend, because she cares about me so much. She's kind of like a friend, and a Mom, and I think I needed her even before today. But today, I really, really needed her...

The school's doing a funeral for Takahashi tomorrow. They wanted a student to say a few words about him, so they asked around to get the one that knew him the best. Everyone kind of pointed at me, so I wrote a little speech about him a couple hours ago. It was extra work, but I owe it to him. He was--you know how I said Takahashi wasn't my friend? Well, he was. He was definitely my friend. Just like Aleksandra.

2/17/09

Takahashi's funeral was at the church. There weren't too many people there, 'cause he's got no family. There were just a few other teachers and principals and stuff. And there were a couple of his students. And a few alumni too. Even though there weren't that many people there, I kind of... I mean, it wouldn't be right if people that didn't like him showed up.

It was so hard to say goodbye to Takahashi. He's a small guy--like five feet tall tops--but he looked even smaller in that casket. He...

I'm having a tough time writing this. I'm... I'll finish later.

...

Takahashi looked real small the last time I saw him. Small, skinny and all that. But he looked sort of peaceful, you know? Like he was just taking a nap to be extra-ready for the next class. He does that sometimes. He told me that--I guess he's not gonna tell me anything anymore.

I guess a lot of people were pretty surprised that it was me giving the speech. A lot of them haven't even heard me talk before, except for "here" and "yeah" and stuff. I think I did a good job, though. I hope I did a good job.

After the funeral, everyone started to head home. Not me, though. Or Aleksandra. Mom and Dad went home after a while, but I just wanted to be there for a while. I mean, I'm always the one to stay after class to hang out with Takahashi. So I just kind of stood there and looked at his tombstone. It really fits him. It's like a black kind of stone... all glassy and shiny, so I think it's obsidian. It's got his name carved into it, in English and Japanese, plus his birthdate, plus that he was a beloved teacher and stuff like that.

Aleksandra was with me the whole time. She even stayed with me when I went into the church and just sort of sat there to think. Aleksandra's Catholic, just like Takahashi was... my parents are kind of Russian Orthodox, so I guess I am too, but I just... I've never really felt it, you know?

I asked Takahashi about why he was a religious guy last year. He told me it's because he just felt it, really strongly. I never felt anything like what I think he was talking about. Not even a little bit. And I swear to God I tried, real hard, but I couldn't--I dunno. I just can't believe that Takahashi's up there somewhere. I wish I could think that, but I can't. I know that he's gone forever, and since he doesn't even have any cubs, or protégés or anything, there's nothing of him left.

Oh yeah. Some state lawyer told me that he'd willed all his stuff to me. I said yeah, signed a few papers, took the letter, put it in my pocket, and let Aleksandra basically carry me to my car.

I guess I went to school today. Don't really remember much about it. Yesterday it was easier, since I guess it didn't hit me in the gut that Takahashi is gone. But it did today, bigtime. Takahashi is gone forever.

2/18/09

It was so hard to go to physics and know that Takahashi wasn't going to be there. We had a the same sub we did when Takahashi was sick, and he's okay, I guess, but no one's ever gonna be the same as he was. I think basically everyone in class felt the same way, even though none of them knew Takahashi like I did.

I'm missing you so much, old man. I can't believe I actually got to be friends with a teacher--can't believe I didn't realize it until after you died. I wish someone had told me that we were friends sooner, 'cause then I would have... I dunno. But I wouldn't feel as bad now.

I dunno what I'm gonna do with Takahashi's stuff. I guess he gave it to me because he wanted me to enjoy it... but it's so much money. Especially for a kid like me. I guess I'll save a bunch of it for college and stuff, but Takahashi was all about philanthropy and stuff. About being nice to all people, everywhere. So I guess I'll give some of his money away. I think he'd like that.

Schreiner was pretty sad today, too. Even though she's in Math and Takahashi's in physics, they used to be friends. We didn't really do too much in English... or maybe we did. Can't remember. Couldn't stop thinking about Takahashi.

Aleksandra had volleyball practice after school. She tried to get me to just go home, but I said nah, I'd wait for her. I was gonna just hang out in the gym and watch practice again, but I just... I dunno. Watching Aleksandra move around... just wasn't in the mood for it. So I snuck into the science wing, and used a bump key I made a while ago to get into Takahashi's room.

I hung out there. For a real long time. Just sat there in my seat and thought about all the classes Takahashi taught me. All the cool things he's done and stuff like that. Thought about when I shook hands with him when he got better. And when he was in his coffin, all small and quiet and dead.

Aleksandra texted me when she was off practice. Asked me where I was. I didn't tell her. Just went over to the gym, walked her to the car, drove home, dropped her off at her place, went home, came down for dinner, and here I am.

I'm gonna go to sleep now. It's only eight o'clock, but I'm just... I'm just so tired. Just... so tired.

_ _

2/19/12

(And that is the end of the introduction to Lone Tiger. Take a few minutes off--you've earned them--and have yourself a snack or something, maybe go for a walk outside. If this is your first time reading Lone Tiger, proceed immediately to the original ending. If you're reading this a second time for the revised ending, head on over there.

Either way, prepare yourself. I intended for this piece to shock and disturb you, and I feel secure in saying that I will achieve my goal soon if I have not already.)